0:00:02 > 0:00:04How do you have so much money? Am I your getaway driver?
0:00:04 > 0:00:06To be honest, more my getty-caught driver.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Which part of "I never want to see you henceforth"
0:00:08 > 0:00:11- did you not understand? - Henceforth.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13- You can't make me stay with him. - He described you as his bezzie!
0:00:13 > 0:00:16He's my girlfriend's brother, he's a nightmare.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19- You get here OK, then? - Yeah, Roger dropped me.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Gemma's going on about some guy called Roger.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Yeah, top bloke!
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Oh, it's so good to meet another Twilighter, man.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Want to read me New Moon tonight?
0:00:29 > 0:00:32This programme contains adult humour and some strong language
0:00:38 > 0:00:41"Aro furrowed his brow.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45"He narrowed his gaze at the blue-eyed youth and whispered
0:00:45 > 0:00:48" 'Nahuel, you must be...' "
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Sorry, sorry.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- IN A DEEP VOICE:- " 'Nahuel, you must be centuries old.' "
0:00:55 > 0:00:57"Nahuel replied...
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:- " 'Ooh, 170 to the nearest decade.' "
0:01:00 > 0:01:03What's the big hurry? Is there somewhere else you'd rather be?
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Not at all.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06How could my life possibly get...?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Argh!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Here we go!
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Shall we continue?
0:01:13 > 0:01:17"The forest went deadly silent..."
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- RIPPING - " 'Behind you!' screamed Aro."
0:01:23 > 0:01:29And there was a slight ripping sound and then everyone was OK.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- The end.- Really?
0:01:31 > 0:01:35I know, what a cliffhanger!
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Right, I'm going to really miss our evenings together, boys.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Me too. You're much better at this than Daz was.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Oi! That's not f-f-f-f...
0:01:44 > 0:01:49Let me get out of your hair. I've got plenty I need to be doing.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50..fair!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Didn't hear you come in last night. Care to tell me where you was?
0:02:00 > 0:02:05I was at what's hopefully my last ever reading and beating session.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07How did you get out of it? Did you use my plan?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Yes, I did. Thanks for that. I just used the blueprints you gave me
0:02:10 > 0:02:13and now Marcel and Daz are both dead,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15courtesy of your gun robot.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I told you Robo-Linda wouldn't let you down!
0:02:17 > 0:02:22Left hole - gun time, right hole - fun time!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Course I didn't build your...
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- I used my own plan.- Bruv, you've got to trust the Plan Man.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29You know what they call me?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Planton du Beke.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Plan Collymore. The late Nelson Plandela.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Right, boys, have you made your mind up?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I think I'm going to go with Plangela Plansbury.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40The mandatory academic programme starts this morning.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I need to know which course you're taking.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I've been thinking about this mandatory training thing, Miss,
0:02:45 > 0:02:47and I think I'm going to give it a swerve.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- Might do some sightseeing. Catch some rays.- It's mandatory.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Yeah, everyone SAYS it's brilliant.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55It's compulsory, like...
0:02:56 > 0:02:58..non-optional.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01You have to do it.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03OK, OK.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Advanced Samurai.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- Try again.- Fine.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Intermediate Samurai.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11What, you've not seen my skills?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I'm absolutely mandatory at it.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Helicopter maintenance!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Right, this is the list.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27You, you need to choose something from the list.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Lost something?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34No, not that I can think of.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Oh, my TV remote...
0:03:37 > 0:03:39from my old TV...
0:03:39 > 0:03:41that I threw away...at home.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Nah, no, I just found it in the...
0:03:44 > 0:03:49you know, round, round there in the back of the thing.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Ah, the academic programme.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55So many wonderful options to consider...
0:03:55 > 0:03:57and reject.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01The answer's 7C - Creg's Life Skills class.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Got a lot of wisdom to spread.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I've certainly rubbed off on Dawn.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Which brings us to Junction 11, Hilton Park,
0:04:14 > 0:04:18very much the jewel in the crown of the Moto Services portfolio.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20It contains the royal flush of Burger King,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Costa Coffee, M&S Simply Food...
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- You see?- I don't see. This is a shit plan.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30It's a GREAT plan, you'll see.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- What does everyone call me? - Stumphead.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Stumphead and the shitty dwarf.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38What most people don't know about Junction 11 is that
0:04:38 > 0:04:41it was the first service station to introduce the Dyson Airblade.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44I think you'll all agree we've come a long way
0:04:44 > 0:04:46since the dark days of the rolling cloth.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49How is this at all good?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52It's the only course with no exams, no coursework
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- and shitloads of free credits. - Yes! Get in!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Ah, I see we've got another fan of enzyme-free urinal cakes
0:04:58 > 0:05:00in the room, huh?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- AS HUMPHREY BOGART: - "You stick with me, kid,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04"we're going to have some fun, see!"
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- That's great!- It's more than great.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I get all these extra visits, and all I have to do is sit back and
0:05:14 > 0:05:18listen to the insane ramblings of a clearly emotionally distressed man.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Lukey boy, I've got a treat for you later.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24F Wing toilets are all out of cakes.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- Do you fancy helping me choose from the catalogue?- Sure thing.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Plus, it's the only course where you don't have exams.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Bish bash bosh!
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Well, it wouldn't do any harm if you got a qualification
0:05:42 > 0:05:45while you're in here. It's just... You remember Roger?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48You mean, the Roger who's trying to get into my girlfriend's...
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- body?- The Roger who's my very supportive friend,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54who Luke needs to be less paranoid about.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55No, I don't remember that one.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Well, he's doing a French GCSE.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- It's going to help him get a promotion.- French?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- It's the language of love. - Italian's the language of love.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06French is the language of horse-eating and racism.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I'm just saying he's bettering himself,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10be nice if you could do the same.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Well, if you'd let me get a word in
0:06:15 > 0:06:18you'd realise I was in the middle of telling you
0:06:18 > 0:06:20that my course isn't fulfilling enough
0:06:20 > 0:06:23and that I'm in the middle of switching to an A-level
0:06:23 > 0:06:27in a subject much less babyish than French.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29That's brilliant, Lukey! Why didn't you say so before?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32That's really going to open doors in Australia, jobwise.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Lucky that I'm doing an A-level
0:06:34 > 0:06:37rather than a silly little French GCSE, then.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Some of us already know the words to Frere Jacques.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- It's not a competition. - Of course it's not.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Roger's French quiz sounds a lot of fun. GCSE.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Puzzle, whatever.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51It's hardly an A-level, is it?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54In my subject, my difficult and beloved subject.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00No...
0:07:00 > 0:07:02I mean, there aren't any A-levels.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Now, listen, love, I know you want to stretch yourself academically
0:07:05 > 0:07:08but I'm just not sure your brain's that stretchy.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Well, if I fail, I fail.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Well, we've got plenty of GCSEs you can fail. French, maybe?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- The language of love.- Fine, thanks,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17you've just single-handedly destroyed my relation...
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Beg your pardon, stand corrected, Dawn, we do do an A-level!
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- Great! I'll do that!- Latin.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Perfect! The language of no-one.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Six exams and a 20,000-word essay.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- Every month.- Still fine.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33It's an A-level, that'll look good on the old CV.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I think Australia's really calling out for Popes.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Oh, I was just going to find you! You'll enjoy this.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46- Ugh!- 30-day freshness guarantee? I don't think so, Saniblox.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48The state of these - only been used a week!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Well, that's unacceptable.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Tell you what, after Life Skills tomorrow, the two of us
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- will draft them an e-mail - shake them right up.- We must, yeah!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Ah, that's a shame cos Luke's just switched to Latin A-level.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- Did I, really? - You're just going to leave?
0:08:02 > 0:08:07I just thought I should use my time in here to get a real qualification.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- Are you trying to tell me a CregTEC isn't a real qualification?- What?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13They're recognised by an increasing number of employers.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- So your dad's signed up now, has he? - All but!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18You're going to regret this. I had high hopes for you,
0:08:18 > 0:08:19but you've just pissed all over me
0:08:19 > 0:08:21and you've pissed all over my urinal cakes.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24And nobody pisses on...
0:08:27 > 0:08:29..me.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Did you get the lesson sorted or do you need me to fix it for you?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Yep, I've landed myself a Latin A-level.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41And for the record, I never, ever need your help with anything.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Well, if you ever need my help with anything,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46it would be the least I can do to make things up to you.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49There's nothing you can do to make up for getting me sent here.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52No, I meant to make up for the wet patch on your bed.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Really? Oh, why, Jason?!
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Change of scenery. We all need a holiday wank sometimes.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00It's not a thing. Why's everybody trying to ruin my life?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Hey, turn that frown o-o-off!
0:09:03 > 0:09:07You're getting an A-level. That's equivalent of, like, two CregTECs.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Knowledge is power in here, bruv. No-one's going to fuck with you now.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13You're a dead man!
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- What have I done? - Not you, Stumphead!
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Good afternoon, gentlemen. To what do I owe this murder?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I keep thinking about the ending of the book.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25It doesn't make sense.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Really? In what way?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- We never found out what happened to Bella's baby.- Oh, well, the baby...
0:09:30 > 0:09:34- Or Bella. Or Edward. Or Jacob. - Brilliant, wasn't it?
0:09:34 > 0:09:38The way it was left deliciously open...
0:09:38 > 0:09:42for the reader to draw his or her own conclusions.
0:09:42 > 0:09:47Are you trying to tell me that Bella falls in love with her own baby,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49and then has a baby with her own baby
0:09:49 > 0:09:52and that baby becomes the overlord of the entire universe?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55But then it dies in a horrific speedboat accident.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57I think that was very much implied.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Fucking told you guys! Apologise to the shitty dwarf.
0:09:59 > 0:10:06I'm s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s...
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- Sorry...?- Don't complete their sentences, bruv.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11It's bad for their self-esteem.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13You can let go of him now. Laters, Dick Squad.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18HE IMITATES A MACHINE GUN
0:10:18 > 0:10:20HE SCREAMS
0:10:20 > 0:10:22HE SCREAMS AND IMITATES A MACHINE GUN
0:10:24 > 0:10:25And what's this?!
0:10:25 > 0:10:29IN ROBOTIC VOICE: I'm Robo-Linda. I am a brilliant idea.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Oh, I checked.
0:10:37 > 0:10:4019 years since we last had a boy do Latin A-level in here.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Hopefully you'll last a bit longer than he did -
0:10:42 > 0:10:45think he found the coursework a bit much.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49- He dropped out?- Yeah, we had to put bars on the windows after that.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Only suicide note we've ever had in an ancient language.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Ah, Luke, tell me...
0:10:59 > 0:11:02when was the last time you had two fingers
0:11:02 > 0:11:04of a fruity 70-year-old inside you?
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Right, well, I tried.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Not a port man, eh? Oh, well, suit yourself.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11So you want to learn Latin?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Well, let's kick off with a mock A-level paper, shall we?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16See what stage you're at.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Here's the thing. I'm more at the...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21never-done-any-Latin-ever stage.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23What the hell are you doing here, then?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26I made a promise to my girlfriend that I'd get an A-level.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28HE CRIES
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Yeah, girlfriend.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Sorry about that.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I'm completely off the market.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38You know, you seem like a nice guy and...
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Cherish her, Luke, she won't be there forever.
0:11:42 > 0:11:47One day you'll wake up and her cold body will be lying next to you,
0:11:47 > 0:11:51dead from a massive cerebral aneurism.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I think Gemma's got a few years left in her.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Oh, you're talking about your...
0:11:57 > 0:11:59My darling Angie.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Snatched from me last week...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04and just 82.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Why would you do this, God?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12So do we start with a bit of vocab?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- Fuck Latin!- Right.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Yes, Latin won't bring Angie back!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I've got to live my life.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22You and me, Luke...
0:12:22 > 0:12:24we're going to start having some fun.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Do you mean you're going to bum me?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I'm a Latin teacher, not a Geography teacher.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Now, be a good chap and switch the rugger on.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Don't I have to do coursework and lots of exams?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Someone's not living their life.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42I shall take care of all the form-filling.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47Now, young Luke, let's get you an A, shall we?
0:12:48 > 0:12:52# And we can build this dream together
0:12:52 > 0:12:55# Standing strong forever
0:12:55 > 0:12:59# Nothing's gonna stop us now
0:12:59 > 0:13:02# And if this world runs out of lovers
0:13:02 > 0:13:05# We'll still have each other
0:13:05 > 0:13:09# Nothing's gonna stop us Nothing's gonna stop us
0:13:10 > 0:13:15# Ooh, all that I need is you... #
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Well, that's your first lesson done.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- I love Latin!- I wonder if you'd take these bloody credits?
0:13:23 > 0:13:24They're clogging up my drawers.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Is that enough?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30That looks about right.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- Same time tomorrow? - Was Virgil an Etruscan?
0:13:34 > 0:13:35I've got literally no idea.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41Two!
0:13:41 > 0:13:44One to hold the ladder, and one to fetch an A-level student
0:13:44 > 0:13:47who's actually qualified to change it!
0:13:47 > 0:13:49No, I'm not talking about Roger.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I'm talking about GCSE French students in general.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- Come on, you've been on the phone ages.- Sorry, do you need to use it?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Oh, no, I'm just saying if you've got bare credits,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- I've got a deal on special DVDs. - One sec.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Triple penetration for the price of double penetration.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05No, thank you, I've got all of the Latin DVDs I need,
0:14:05 > 0:14:07thank you very much, Black Elton John.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10How about some new trainers instead of them shits?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- You sold me these four days ago! - What?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17So jobwise...
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I could go High Court Judge,
0:14:19 > 0:14:23but I don't want to totally rule out being a spy at this stage.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Oh, erm, let me call you back.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28No, no, it's fine, I've got thousands of...
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I've got just enough phone credits.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Latin everything you dreamed it would be, buttercup?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38It's tough...
0:14:38 > 0:14:40really tough.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41In fact, I've got to go now
0:14:41 > 0:14:44and finish my essay on...
0:14:52 > 0:14:54..Latin.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57If you're up to something, you know that I will find out.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04They're in HD, bruv.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06And these ones, they don't even have my mum in.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- Lulu.- Yes?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Is Latin the same thing as maths?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19No, Jason, Latin is the language of the Ancient Romans.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Thank God! You see, I'm doing an A-level in it
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- and I'm terrible at maths. - What? No! Why?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Think how fun it'll be, a chance for us to hang out every day -
0:15:26 > 0:15:27imagine the laughs!
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Jason, I'm currently with you for 23 hours of every day,
0:15:30 > 0:15:33not one of which is blessed with the tiniest chuckle.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I have one hour without you.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Can't you see what they're doing? They're trying to keep us apart.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- No, they're not, I am!- I've thought long and hard about this.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I wouldn't just chuck away a CregTEC for no reason.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Besides, I've had this lattoo done.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- Lattoo?- Yeah, it's Latin for tattoo.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- Oh, God!- Black Elton was doing two for the price of one.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Listen, Jason, you'll hate it there because it's all coursework
0:15:54 > 0:15:58and it's exams and the teacher is violent and pervy!
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- I heard that was geography? - No, no, Latin as well.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- Who'd want to do that class? - Exactly.- Sounds terrible!
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Thank you...
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Yeah, I'm definitely going to come along to protect my Lulu.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Me and the boys are going to chop off that teacher's head
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- and shit down his leg. - You shit down his neck.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- Nah, neck's tricky, bruv. You'd have to get in there and...- No boys!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- No-one's coming! - I'm not going to stand around...
0:16:19 > 0:16:21OK, OK, I'll tell you the truth about Latin.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24But you need to promise me that you don't tell a single soul, right?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Creg's already getting suspicious.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Absolutely, bruv.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Mum's the world.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Mum is the WORD.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Fuck's sake!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Oh, listen.
0:16:38 > 0:16:44What I'm about to tell you, you must not tell anyone.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Isaac! You found it all right, then?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Oh, halle-fucking-lujah! You've told the biggest snitch in the place.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57- Don't be unfair. Isaac can keep a secret, can't you?- No.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- But you're prepared to try? - Still no.- Just for today?
0:16:59 > 0:17:03- I'm not making any promises. - JASON CLAPS SLOWLY
0:17:03 > 0:17:07That's all we can ask for. He's going to try.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Ah, three fresh faces!
0:17:12 > 0:17:16I would normally set new students a mock paper,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19but if Luke has taught me one thing,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21it's to live life to the full.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25You, get the paintball kit out of that cupboard.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30And you, that keg isn't going to pour itself.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Now, is anyone a vegetarian?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Sir, how do you say, "This is fucking awesome," in Latvian?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Black Elton, quote me for a new tracksuit.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Outside - gold leather...
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- This is not what we talked about! - ..inside - iPads.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Don't flash your credits in public, Creg will close us down.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Money is power. Think of the influence we can buy ourselves.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59No, we can't. I really need this A-level.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- I could lose my girlfriend over this.- Oh, my God, I'd ruin that.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Really? She's a five. Six max.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- She's your sister. - I was only trying to be nice.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Someone's been telling me bullshit stories.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13They are a bit samey, aren't they?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Daz's brother seen the latest Twilight film.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Daz...
0:18:18 > 0:18:20tell him how the film ends.
0:18:20 > 0:18:25W-w-w-w-w-w...
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Completely different, that's how it ends.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35If you've been lying to me, I'm going to force-feed you this book
0:18:35 > 0:18:38page by page. Do you understand?
0:18:38 > 0:18:43I do hate it when the film isn't true to the original book
0:18:43 > 0:18:48because these Hollywood bigwigs start meddling...
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Also, someone's ripped out loads of pages from the back.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52What?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55I think we all know what's happened here, don't we, dick splat?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Marcel, honestly, I don't...
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Those lads on S Wing gave me a duff copy. They are all dead.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04That would seem to be the only possible explanation.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I could probably get you a new copy for ten credits.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- Can you do it for eight?- Boss, I've got overheads to think of!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- You're doing it!- Boys, boys, boys!
0:19:11 > 0:19:15What have we become, arguing over a few pennies?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17This one's on me.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Money is power.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Wow.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23That's an extremely generous gesture.
0:19:23 > 0:19:28You are clearly a man of gargantuan influence, eh?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Now, give me all your credits.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Now tell me where you got them.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Fine, we got them in Latin class!
0:19:44 > 0:19:48See, that wasn't so hard, was it?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50See you boys in...
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Latin.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58What did you tell him for?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00He's such a hypocrite.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09I think we both know why we're here.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I'm down five scholars for tomorrow's class.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15You're going to tell me right now why people would suddenly
0:20:15 > 0:20:19lose interest in Argos catalogues from the 1980s.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22They wouldn't, they couldn't!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Is it me?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Was urinal cakes all a lie?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28No, it's not you, it's me.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31I've always known that there's a hole in my heart
0:20:31 > 0:20:33where there should be Latin.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37And Mr Dunlop, he's just an old man who puts it into my hole.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I thought that was geography.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Sorry to bother you.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45If you're still looking for that swimming costume from your locker,
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I think we're going to have to assume it's gone forever.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51OK, your visitor's outside.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54And you asked me to let you know if another student switched to Latin.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Another one? Who was it?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58It's Marcel
0:20:58 > 0:21:00and Daz.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Massive Steve, Lewis, Philip, Gregory and Esteban.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04I'll let your visitor in.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Ah, Luke!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I was meaning to ask you, I nodded off in the cheese course.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12What did you make of the Muscadet?
0:21:12 > 0:21:17# Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques Doo-bee-doo, doo-bee-doo... #
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- What the fuck is wrong with you? - Are you all right, old chap?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Maybe somebody overdid it with the Madeira...
0:21:23 > 0:21:25# Solomon and Tina Solomon and Tina. #
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Say one more word and you're losing three months' visits.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30You, tell me right now what's going on in this class.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31ALARM BLARES
0:21:31 > 0:21:33RADIO: 'Code 114 to West Wing, 30-inmate disturbance.'
0:21:33 > 0:21:35You coming? They're really kicking off out there.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Apparently there aren't enough class transfer request forms to go around!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40This is not over.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Right, maybe I'll pay your little class a visit tomorrow.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- I wouldn't want you to miss your own class.- I will.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- Please don't.- OK.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I still will!
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Sir, he's trying to shut us down.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58He's somehow under the impression that we're not studying Latin.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Then, we shall tell him we're living our lives.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02We'll not be shackled by him and his little rules.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04We could do that, yes.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Or we could crack open that little mock paper you were talking about.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11- I don't follow you.- If Creg doesn't see some pretty solid Latin,
0:22:11 > 0:22:13I can forget about living my life forever.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Then, that's what we shall do! A brilliant plan. But alas...
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I've left the rotten things in my place in the Lake District.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Well, is there no way you can get them by tomorrow?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- Dear boy, it's hundreds of miles away.- There must be a way!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I mean, seize the moment, live your life!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Don't do it for me, do it for yourself!
0:22:29 > 0:22:32No! Do it for Agnes.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- My dental hygienist? - No, no, your wife.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- She's called Angie.- Will you do it?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Was Virgil an Etruscan? - Well, actually I don't know.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Tonight, I will dust down the old MG!
0:22:45 > 0:22:48This takes me back to my geography days.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56I did warn you this would happen if you went around telling everyone.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58You told 90% of these people.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00That is true. But who told me?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- Shit, we've got to get rid of them all.- I've kind of got that covered.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Quiet, I'm trying to think of a plan.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Crap! Robo-Linda's laser cannons won't work.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Her swivel isn't designed for flooring like this!
0:23:11 > 0:23:15As magnificent and plausible as your plans are,
0:23:15 > 0:23:17I've enacted one of my own,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19something a bit dramatic to scare everyone off.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23But don't be upset at me when you hear the announcement.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I did this for a reason.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30Mr Dunlop died last night in a terrible car accident on the A53.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33The police are still trying to establish why a one-eyed cripple
0:23:33 > 0:23:36in his 70s would decide to drive an un-roadworthy car
0:23:36 > 0:23:39through a storm at 2am.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Creg has kindly offered to give you emergency Life Skills classes
0:23:42 > 0:23:45until we can find you a new Latin teacher.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Gentlemen, if you'd like to open your textbooks at page 389 -
0:23:51 > 0:23:52electric typewriters.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Marcel, if you'd like to start us off with the Olivetti 660.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58What did you do that for?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01That's not a good plan, bruv, that's a shit plan.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Why didn't you...
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Plangela Plansbury?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12You owe me free shit.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15You said there was free shit.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Let the Plan Man handle this.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20There used to be free shit in Latin.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23There is no longer free shit in Latin.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27This is because a man has died.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Whether or not Luke killed this man is not entirely clear.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- I really didn't.- So you claim.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Now, I know you've been a bit upset, Marcel,
0:24:33 > 0:24:35so I got you something to cheer you up.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I found the missing pages to your book so you can get back
0:24:37 > 0:24:39to your fairy tales.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Well, that does cheer me up, Stumphead.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- CHOKING:- Great job. Well done, Jason.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Now, I'm sure you gents have places to be.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- Where did you find this? - They were just under his mattress.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I felt them digging into my balls.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55It nearly spoiled my holiday wank, it was all-inclusive -
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- by which I mean I had my finger up my...- Ow!- ..anus.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- Jason told me what you did. - I didn't do it!
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- Luke, it's me, don't lie. - I really didn't do it!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- I actually think it's kind of cool that you...- I didn't kill anybody!
0:25:11 > 0:25:16- ..tried to help him get an A-level. - Yes, yes, I did help him.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- And shall I ignore...?- Please.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20He said you're building a sexy robot together.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22That is literally just in his brain.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- And she's primarily a weapon.- OK...
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Shame about the A-level, but you'll still get a job, though.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- Something.- I just feel like I've let you down, though.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34No, don't be silly!
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- I know how tough A-levels are, Roger told me.- Eh?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Yeah, you inspired him to sign up for one himself.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44- How...fantastic.- Yeah, he was working so hard, poor thing.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46But his flatmates were making so much noise,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- he couldn't study in the evenings. - So he's dropped out?- Moved out.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Plus it's good for me to be able to split the bills.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58HE GAGS
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Luke?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02HE CONTINUES TO GAG
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Luke? Luke, what is it?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Christ!
0:26:08 > 0:26:11I thought I'd be on chapter six by now.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15Her friend Roger needed to stay for a few nights - big deal.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19- What DO you mean he's not moved out? - He's my flatmate, end of story.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21You got to propose, it will work.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I swear on my dad's muff.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26There's more interesting things you can do than sit around gambling.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Yeah, but I've done that three times today and it's starting to chafe.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31It's not right him staying, that's your fiancee.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32I don't care how good in bed he is.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35# Fear and delight
0:26:35 > 0:26:37# All the way through the night
0:26:37 > 0:26:39# With a little derring-do
0:26:39 > 0:26:42# I'll fall in love with you
0:26:42 > 0:26:44# Fear and delight
0:26:44 > 0:26:46# All the way through the night
0:26:46 > 0:26:48# With a little derring-do
0:26:48 > 0:26:51# I'll fall in love with you
0:26:51 > 0:26:53# Fear and delight
0:26:53 > 0:26:55# All the way through the night
0:26:55 > 0:26:58# With a little derring-do
0:26:58 > 0:27:00# I'll fall in love with you. #