0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language
0:00:07 > 0:00:09- Am I your getaway driver?- More my getty-caught driver.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- Remember Roger?- Roger who's trying to get into my girlfriend's body?
0:00:12 > 0:00:15- She's a five. Six max. - She's your sister!
0:00:23 > 0:00:29So you think this refers to Great, Great Uncle Fergal Holmes?
0:00:29 > 0:00:32'I just can't believe what great, great Uncle Fergal went through.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35'Suffering shellshock in the squalor of the trenches,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37'before finally perishing in the Somme.'
0:00:37 > 0:00:39YES! THE SOMME!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Oi, pay up, Elt! Should've listened to me.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44It's never going to be syphilis two weeks in a row.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46I knew it was going to be that.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49And yet, once again, you plumped for "killed by dinosaurs".
0:00:49 > 0:00:51How was that ever going to happen?
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Trampled on or breathed on with fire?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Here, pay up, mate, that's 15 credits.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58- Lulu, do me a favour and lend me it. - You haven't paid me back
0:00:58 > 0:01:00all those credits you lost on Jessica Ennis!
0:01:00 > 0:01:02I still reckon she tucks it between her legs.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04I'm not lending you any more money, Jason.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06100 credits back at you
0:01:06 > 0:01:09to get that...object we discussed.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Already on it, Marce!
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- Shit's about to get fucking real in here.- Come on, Lulu.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Fine.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18There are plenty more interesting things you can do in here
0:01:18 > 0:01:19than sit around gambling.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23- Yeah, but I've done that three times already today and it's starting to chafe.- Urgh!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Ten credits says I can do 12 before it bleeds.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Urgh!
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Why are we going to the visiting hall this way?
0:01:35 > 0:01:39It's just a security thing today. Fuck.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42We need to stop meeting like this. People will start talking.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Are you feeling better?
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Must have been quite an asthma attack to make you get off the bus.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Yeah, yeah, I've shaken off the worst of it.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I hope it wasn't the shock of seeing me!
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Well, you do live a good 12 miles from anywhere on my bus route.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57- So...- Currently.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03So...I'm just taking Luke to see his girlfriend now.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Funny way round you're going.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Anyway, you look after that one, Luke.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Soul mates, they don't come around very often.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- You bet.- Who's betting?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14- I'm sorry?- I know there's gambling going on in here.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Don't lie to me, Luke.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Dawn'll tell you, there's only one thing I hate more than gambling.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- The three minute walk from here to your flat?- Lying.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24And it's actually more like seven minutes.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27That hill is deceptively steep.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31I've booked you out the counselling room for later, love.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35You can have the full hour so you can cry as much as you like this time.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36I think you can cancel that.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38My relationship's in a very good place right now.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- Well, just half an hour then? - No, no crying.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43We had a hump, but we're over it.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Her friend Roger needed to stay for a few nights. Big deal.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51That was weeks ago, everything's back to normal now.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53What do you mean he's not moved out?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Brian, I think we will need that hour in the counselling room after all.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58You forget how hard it is for me at home without you.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01It's just nice to have someone to watch telly with after work.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Unless you'd rather me be sat all alone sobbing
0:03:04 > 0:03:05in front of Don't Tell The Bride.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Course I don't want that.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09It is a terrible programme.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11He's my flatmate, end of story.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15And this time next year us two will be in Australia, won't we?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Yes, yes, we will.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20It's just sometimes my thoughts run away with themselves
0:03:20 > 0:03:22and start kissing on the sofa.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Babe, I miss you so much.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29You've got no idea how lonely it is for me back home without you.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31That's why Roger keeps talking about buying me a dog.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32What do you think?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- I think he should keep his... - Rog wants to call him Jasper.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- Noooooooo! - Exactly what I said.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38He's clearly a Monty.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44What she make you cry about this time?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47We mainly focused on... Mind your own fucking business.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49She accidentally call you Roger again?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52She didn't this time, actually. Generally.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54She probably calls him Luke sometimes, you know,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57when they're doing the shopping or putting the bins out
0:03:57 > 0:03:59or eating spaghetti until their noses touch.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01They don't do that sort of thing.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05They just do normal flatmate things like...buying a dog.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Nooooooooo! Buying a dog?!
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Yes.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Fuuuuuuuck!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- Mate! He's robbed my signature move! - What do you mean?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15That's my ting!
0:04:15 > 0:04:18You show them your sensitive side, look at some photos of a puppy.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Next thing you know, you're having sex with her from behind.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I call it "doggy method".
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Well, what am I going to do?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27There's nothing you can do, mate. It's game, set and muff.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28- Nobody says "muff".- I've got it.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32- There is one possible way to beat doggy method.- Do not say "dinosaur".
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Bruv, you got to propose.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37It'll work. I swear on my dad's muff.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I can already think of a million better ideas than that
0:04:40 > 0:04:41off the top of my head.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49So...let's just say I did propose.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51He'd have to move out, right?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Of course he would. It's not right him staying. That's your fiancee.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I don't care how good in bed he is.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Everything will sort itself out. She'll turf him out,
0:04:58 > 0:04:59she'll kill the dog...
0:04:59 > 0:05:02She won't kill the dog!
0:05:02 > 0:05:04They haven't bought it yet!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Getting married is massive, though.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10I'm too young to get myself locked into all that routine.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11WHISTLE SOUNDS
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Would she even say yes?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Course she will, bruv. You're going to move to Australia.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21You love each other, it's perfect.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- I guess.- She's always banging on about dream weddings,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27you're in a constant jealous rage about everything she does.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- It's beautiful! - What's all this about?
0:05:29 > 0:05:30It's a bit of a private matter,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32so if you don't mind, Black Elton John...
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Yeah, sorry, Elt. This is between me and my future brother-in-law.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Oh, are you going to propose to Gemma?
0:05:38 > 0:05:39I'll give you 50-1 she says yes.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40I'll have some of that!
0:05:40 > 0:05:43This is my relationship we're talking about!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45And why are you giving me such shitty odds anyway?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Come on, Lulu, don't listen to him.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50This is not about me and it's not about Black Elton John.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52It's about two people and two people alone.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I know, I know.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55So when are you going to ask them?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- What? Who? - My folks of course.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Gem wants it traditional, you know that.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Got to come correct, get their permission.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Your mum's cool with me,
0:06:04 > 0:06:07but sorry if I'm being paranoid,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I've always suspected that your dad doesn't really like me.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Mate! What are you talking about?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Of course you're not being paranoid. He hates you.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Yo, Black Elt. You got something for me?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I don't like doing this in public, Marce.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I've been looking forward to this.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Say hello to my little friend.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Something funny, boys?
0:06:28 > 0:06:29No, no.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Sometimes I giggle when I'm...
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- jealous.- Awesome doll, bruv.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Keep your fucking hands off it.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42And it's a limited edition Twilight figurine actually.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Semi-official, losers.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52GUARD CHUCKLES
0:06:53 > 0:06:57That is funny! That has cheered me right up, that has.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59You're killing me.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00But seriously, munchkin,
0:07:00 > 0:07:02what can you tell me about the gambling?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I mean it. I'm not snitching any more.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06I've been clean since this morning.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Are there cameras in here? Am I being Punk'd?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12You don't know what they do to snitches in here.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Don't do this to me, Isaac,
0:07:13 > 0:07:15not when there's gambling going on here.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18You're the most natural-born snitch I've ever met.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Don't throw it away over some crazy dream.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I'm sorry, Guv, my mind's made up.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26I've got a little story about the disease called gambling.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Is it actually little?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Picture a normal 12-year-old boy.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Not normal, unusually handsome.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33His dad, he liked to gamble.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35MELANCHOLY MUSIC
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Started small, a few quid here and there,
0:07:38 > 0:07:40didn't feel like a problem.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43And then one day that boy's dad,
0:07:43 > 0:07:44that popular boy's dad...
0:07:45 > 0:07:49..decided to bet the family house on the 6.20 at Newmarket.
0:07:50 > 0:07:5375-1 it was.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Ridiculous odds.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I can still remember the name of the h...
0:07:58 > 0:08:02The boy can still remember the name of the horse...
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- The boy was me. - Yeah, I did have an inkling.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Well, I'm sorry you lost your house.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08No, he won.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09He bought a big house in Spain.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12But on the day they were meant to leave they were very rushed
0:08:12 > 0:08:14and somehow
0:08:14 > 0:08:15they forgot to take me.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Like in Home Alone?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Exactly like in Home Alone.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Except that I'm an only child.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24And I didn't see 'em for nine years.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26And I went into care.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Oh, my God!
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Which is why there is only one thing I hate more than gambling.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- I want to say your parents... - Banana Pudding.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36That was the name of the horse.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Damn, I missed that bit out, didn't I?
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Get out!
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Thank you for seeing me, Mr and Mrs Gardner.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51IMITATING HIS DAD: I really, really HATE you.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53You're not helping, Jason.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Just tell me how to get them on board.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Jason's not here, I'm afraid.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58This is his dad
0:08:58 > 0:09:01and I speak exactly like this.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Tell me, how is my son Jason doing?
0:09:04 > 0:09:08He's been nominated for Twat Of The Year, so that is something.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Is he the fun-est person you know?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I presume you want a yes?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14You're definitely going to make him best man then?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I haven't asked you that yet, Mr Gardner.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Oh, yes. Good point.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21It's just that he's got some amazing ideas for the stag do
0:09:21 > 0:09:23and has already written some of the speech.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Would you like to hear it?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Actually...no.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I'm going to do an impression of Jason now.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30CLEARS THROAT
0:09:30 > 0:09:31"Ladies and gentlemen,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33"I know you think Luke's a bit of a bell-end,
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- "but, do you know what ..."- Jason!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Try and do an impression of someone who's not going to completely fuck up my life!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Your parents are coming on Tuesday.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Are they going to give me permission to marry Gemma?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- Nah, bruv.- Thank you.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Next question.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Why are they not going to give me permission?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Jason might have accidentally told me it's your fault he's in here.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54I didn't get you in here!
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- That is the OPPOSITE of what happened.- Or is it?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- YES!- Now your hair, are you going to go with it like that...
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- JASON!- Look, I couldn't tell my dad.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03You know he's a proper scary bastard
0:10:03 > 0:10:06and he was already pissed off with me cos I used his razor on my balls.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07Why would you do that?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Plus he's having to look after my nine dogs now.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11What nine dogs?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13It's a tiny little glitch with the doggy method.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Right, here's what's going to happen.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Immediately before I see your parents, you're going to go in
0:10:17 > 0:10:20and you're going to tell them that I am a very innocent
0:10:20 > 0:10:21and very eligible young man.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24And that the reason we're both in here is that you,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27and you alone, thought that it would be fun to rob a bank.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I'm not entirely sure that's part of the best man's job.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37# Four walls and a cauldron of Kalashnikoving
0:10:37 > 0:10:40# And our home is a trigger that I'm always pulling
0:10:40 > 0:10:42# At the border At the, at the border
0:10:42 > 0:10:46# I'm at the border At the, at the border
0:10:46 > 0:10:48# The short spears and the weak eternal monologuing
0:10:48 > 0:10:51# And our war is the crucible of all your longing
0:10:51 > 0:10:53# At the border At the, at the border
0:10:53 > 0:10:56# I'm at the border At the, at the border... #
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I don't know what you're worried about, love.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07They'll see you're not some worthless jailbird. You've got...
0:11:07 > 0:11:08nice, wet hair.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Can you pop your head in and check how Jason's doing?
0:11:12 > 0:11:13They'll only be a minute.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Shall I get some paper towels? Cos I might be able to mop up the worst of it.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Hey, bus-buddy!
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Bit of an in-joke. I'm Creg, by the way. Senior Warden.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I think Luke probably remembers you.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Oh, I didn't recognise you with that hat on.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28What is that, some kind of latex?
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Glad I caught you.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Tell me what you know about this gambling ring, poppet.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Why can't you ask Isaac?
0:11:40 > 0:11:41Oh, he's gone mad.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Now, I'm asking all the other losery kids.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Hey. Luke's not a loser.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48You'll show Jim's parents you're going to make a great husband.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- What, you're about to propose?- Yeah.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Well, you're a braver man than me.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Well, obviously, I've done joke proposals,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58but that's just banter, innit?
0:11:59 > 0:12:03I suppose it can be hard to spot irony in skywriting.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Right, perfect, you're up now. Go get 'em, tiger!
0:12:06 > 0:12:07How'd it go?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Totally sorted. He's so over the razor thing.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11And the prison thing?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Oh...
0:12:19 > 0:12:21How are you doing?
0:12:21 > 0:12:22I like your new hair.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Doesn't he look smart?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Why the hell are you here?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- Come to apologise for getting my son sent down?- Not exactly...
0:12:29 > 0:12:32So you're here to waste my time, then, you gutless weasel!
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Not that, either.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I'll get to the point...
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I know that you're not my biggest fan.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Correct.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42But, as you know, I've been going out with your daughter,
0:12:42 > 0:12:45your beautiful daughter, for the last two years.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Oh? I assumed she broke up with you when you got my son locked up.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I'm not sure that's a fair representation of events.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- So, she's not with Roger, then?- No!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Shame. Then why are they getting a puppy together?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I wanted them to take one of ours.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01We've got nine of the bastards, thanks to you.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05I'd sort of banked on Jason to talk to you about all of that, actually.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09But, anyway, I'd like you to know that I'm a nice, normal guy.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- And I will... - If you're so nice and normal,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15then why am I hearing that you've been using my razor for...
0:13:15 > 0:13:16that?!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19We've met, what, three times.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Well, thank you for your time.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23I use that on my face!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Bravo(!)
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Bravo(!)
0:13:32 > 0:13:35All your hard work has finally paid off
0:13:35 > 0:13:37and you've officially ruined my life.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Lulu, can you knock? I could have been doing anything.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42No, Jason, you could've been doing one thing.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44But, for once, thank God...
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Oh, no, you were!
0:13:45 > 0:13:49I'm in the middle of number nine, and there's barely a blister on it. So if you'll excuse me?
0:13:49 > 0:13:53You had one thing to do which, I appreciate, is a lot for you...
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Bruv, I'm sorry. Let me explain.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I was just about to tell them when the weirdest thing happened.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01This voice called out to me from nowhere
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Right?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05"Jason, don't tell them."
0:14:06 > 0:14:08And that voice was in my own head.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Girlfriend got it going on with the hair!
0:14:12 > 0:14:15How'd it go with my parents? They on board?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18It went shit. It went worse than shit.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20It went shit with blood in it.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Your mum wouldn't speak up for me and your dad wanted to kill me, thanks to you!
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I did tell them you're a very "edgtible" young man.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- That's not a word, Jason. - That's what they said.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Fine! I'll just ask Gemma, anyway, and see what happens.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Yeah.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36So what if she's been talking about her dream wedding since she was two.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Dad giving her away, nice big wedding cake...
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Fuck! - ..awesome best man's speech.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42That's it!
0:14:42 > 0:14:43It's over.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48I am stuck in here while Gemma and Roger are getting all cosy at home
0:14:48 > 0:14:50with his stupid dog.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52He's probably getting his tummy tickled at the moment.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54No, actually, he's probably playing with the dog.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Right, you, come on. You're coming with me, right now.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Mind if I just finish up first?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Be nice to reach double figures before dinner.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I probably shouldn't do this, but I can see how important it is.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Despite what you might think, we do try and keep your spirits up in here.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15You're weak and pathetic. Look at you. You'll never beat this.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Get out of my head! I can do this!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19You've forgotten how good it feels to snitch.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Oh, just a tiny snitch. You know you want to make all that pain go away.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24I'm going to be sick.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Tell me who's gambling right now, you friendless little fart!
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Sorry, Creg. Just going to take these two to the visiting room,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32so they'll miss the start of your confidence-building workshop.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Right you are. I've brought Travel Scrabble for the way home.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Oh, great.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40We get the same bus.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50This better be important. I had to slam on the brakes when I was halfway home.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51You and me both.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Yes, thank you both so much for coming back.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57And this is very important.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I know you've got me down as being a little bit irresponsible.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Nobody thinks that, love.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Well, I do. He's a gutless weasel!
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Well, anyway, you've very much got me wrong.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13There's something important that I need you both to hear.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14You've bought me a new razor?
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Not that.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Jason, have you got something you'd like to tell your parents.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21We're definitely doing this?
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Yes.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Mum, Dad...
0:16:25 > 0:16:26I'm gay.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29He turned me.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32You just ignore that and erm...we'll have another go.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Listen, don't go mad, right?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39But the reason I'm in here is nothing to do with Luke.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42It's all me. I should have never given him the blame.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44I was just scared of letting you both down.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47This guy is amazing.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49He's like my brother.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Thank you, Jason.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53You see? Luke is a good boy.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Yes, I am. I really, really am.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Is that true, Jason?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02As you know, I've been going out with Gemma ...
0:17:02 > 0:17:03You've brought shame on the family!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05How am I supposed to even look at you now?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07There's no need to cause a scene.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10You're lucky you're behind bars. Right now, I would kill you!
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Right! I've had enough of you two already.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Woman, get your coat. We're going.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Whoa! Well, there's a little teeny, tiny thing before you head off.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Erm...as you know I've been going out with Gemma, your daughter,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24your beautiful daughter, for the last two years.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Does Roger know about this?
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Please, let him speak.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I love her so much.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31And he wants to marry her.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Of course he can't marry her!
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Why not? I keep telling you he's a nice boy.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Your wife, by the way, is a very good judge of character.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41This has nothing to do with you.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Just look at the state of him. We forbid it!
0:17:43 > 0:17:46No, we don't! Can't I have a say in our daughter's happiness?
0:17:46 > 0:17:47I don't see why.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49It's always about you, isn't it?
0:17:49 > 0:17:50You're never interested in what I think.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Some of us are extremely interested.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Stay out of this, weasel!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Who are you to tell Gemma what to do?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58She's a grown woman and she'll marry who she wants!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01And pubic hygiene is important.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04You could learn from him.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06It's like that, is it?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Well, do whatever you want!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10My opinion clearly doesn't count in this household.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Don't worry about him, Luke. I'll talk him round.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18You go, ask Gemma. You make a lovely couple.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25LUKE LAUGHS
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I'm not actually gay.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38And I command you
0:18:38 > 0:18:40with my beautiful mouth
0:18:40 > 0:18:42to lay down your weapons...
0:18:44 > 0:18:46..at my delicately-crafted feet.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48..And while I've got you - strippers.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Now, we're slightly limited
0:18:49 > 0:18:52but Little Gav in H-wing has been getting great reviews.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53As classy as that sounds,
0:18:53 > 0:18:57can we maybe put a pin in the stag do until after I've asked her?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Fine. But Little Gav gets booked up quick, it's all I'm saying.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03He's very tasteful. We're not going to humiliate you.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Elt, just the man!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I need a load of Lulu's stag T-shirts printed up.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10And a see-through mankini...
0:19:11 > 0:19:12- ..for someone else.- Er...
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Hang on, mate. Let me deal with these guys first.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Ten credits she says "no".
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Hey, mate, you're way off. She's going to say "yes" all day long.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20It's not what I'm hearing, mate.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22She's fit and he's a massive loser.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24- No offence.- None taken.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27You don't think I know what's going on, pumpkins?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Eh? Well, I know, all right.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31You're gambling.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Someone's going to admit to it
0:19:32 > 0:19:35and that someone is going to solitary for two months.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Let me tell you a little story about the evils of gambling.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Picture an unusually handsome 12-year-old boy...
0:19:43 > 0:19:45FROM WALKIE TALKIE: 'Creg, can you come to the office?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48'I've got that skywriting company on the phone again chasing the invoice.'
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Oh, for God's sake!
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Isaac will tell you the rest of the story. It's a really good one.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Something about banana pudding?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Well, you've ruined that for everyone now, ain't you?
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Thanks a bunch, princess!
0:20:05 > 0:20:0720 credits on "yes", please, mate.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Of course she's going to say "yes".
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Sorry, mate, I wasn't clear.
0:20:11 > 0:20:1420 credits on yes, that he does kill himself
0:20:14 > 0:20:15after she says "no".
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Jesus Christ!
0:20:17 > 0:20:18CRASH
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Ah...
0:20:23 > 0:20:2550 credits says Marcel kills him right now.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28I'm sorry...
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Is that going to work?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I'll just curl into a little ball here
0:20:35 > 0:20:38whilst you decide what you're going to do.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Accidents happen.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I don't want you stressing on your big day.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Plus, you're no good to me dead.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53You're going to make me a very rich man when she says "yes".
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Cos you know what's going to happen if she says "no"?
0:20:57 > 0:20:58I know this one!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Are you going to stuff every piece of that doll into his penis?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09You sure you're ready for this?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11You know what? I think I am.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Counselling room, just in case you...
0:21:13 > 0:21:14If this doesn't go well,
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I'm going to need more than a counselling room.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22- It's a rifle.- Oh.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Oh, Creg, I'm so sorry for your loss.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30He was the best little snitch I ever had.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31It's like a weight's been lifted!
0:21:31 > 0:21:34He's a fool if he thinks he's beaten snitching forever.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Oh, good luck for your big moment, noodle.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39It's quite romantic, this, isn't it, Dawny?
0:21:39 > 0:21:40What is it they say?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43You shouldn't marry the person who asks you first.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46You should marry the person who asks you most.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I'll go get Gemma in now.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52You get tax breaks, you know?
0:21:52 > 0:21:53And cheaper car insurance.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Psst!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Break a neck, Lulu!
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Who's visiting you?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03I paid Black Elton to lend me his brother.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06He's going to pretend to be my lawyer.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18- Hi, Gem.- Hi.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21You're looking...
0:22:21 > 0:22:22SHE SOBS
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Have I done something, babe?
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Has Roger died?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28It's Mum and Dad.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Oh, yeah?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32They've split up.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34They had a massive row.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Then Dad stormed out.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40And he's taken all of his stuff and there's lawyer letters,
0:22:40 > 0:22:41everything.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44It's over.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Oh, God!
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Any idea what it was about?
0:22:49 > 0:22:50No!
0:22:50 > 0:22:51No, I don't understand it.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55They just keep saying they want what's best for me.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56I hope it's nothing I've done.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58It'll be nothing you've done.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Nothing either of us have done.
0:23:00 > 0:23:05We'll never know what broke up your parents' marriage.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10But let's not write off the whole institution...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12They stood in a church
0:23:12 > 0:23:13and made those vows.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16And it all meant nothing.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Promise me, we'll never put ourselves through that.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34I've spent the two happiest years of my life with you.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I love you very much.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Gemma Gardner ...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44It's just not working, is it, Luke?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46What?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49What's the point? How is this a relationship?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51We're just going to end up like my parents.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Then, one day, it's just going to all come crashing down!
0:23:54 > 0:23:55No, it won't.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57I don't want to go through all that.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58What are you doing?
0:23:58 > 0:23:59I'm sorry, Luke.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I think we need some time apart.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05But we spend loads of time apart already!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07And that's not making either of us happy.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12I'm sorry, Luke.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17BANG
0:24:17 > 0:24:19We're calling this a "no", yeah?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I can't bear to see you like this any more, bruv.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32You've been lying there crying ever since Gemma broke up with you.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34How long is it going to be?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Well, in fairness, it only happened 15 minutes ago.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Right, I may as well go and see Marcel now.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Get my lynching over and done with before lights out.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- Oh, I've sorted that all out for you, actually.- No, you haven't.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48You'll have made everything massively worse.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52But I am actually curious to know how that is even possible.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I've earned you two months completely on your own,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58where Marcel can't get you.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59What?
0:24:59 > 0:25:03You told Creg it was...me behind the gambling?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Tonight, you go to solitary.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Thought you wouldn't mind being on your own for a bit.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Thanks, mate. I take it back.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11I owe you one.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12You don't owe no-one nothing.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Well, you owe Little Gav ten credits.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Late cancellation fee.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20I trusted you, pumpkin,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23and all the time you were running your filthy little enterprise under my nose.
0:25:24 > 0:25:29Handsome children go into care because of people like you.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Yeah, you got me.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32It's a fair cop.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Off to solitary I go.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Bye, Lulu.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42IMITATES HIS FATHER: "Thanks for getting me divorced, you bastard!"
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Oh, I meant to say...
0:25:44 > 0:25:46It's not quite solitary.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50These boys were keen to join you in your cell for a few weeks.
0:25:57 > 0:26:02What the absolute mother of fuck is going on?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04You're a single man. We're having fun now.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06A boy has escaped!
0:26:06 > 0:26:07We've got loads left!
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Just tell me how I'm breaking out of here.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Just use the blueprint to the prison you've got tattooed on your back!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15How many times, Jason? It's a birthmark!
0:26:15 > 0:26:16No!
0:26:16 > 0:26:17This time tomorrow,
0:26:17 > 0:26:21you and me will be on our way to the Costa Del Solskievskipol.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25I know you're hiding something from me, Lulu.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Guv, me and Luke are just going for a...long walk.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31# Fear and delight
0:26:31 > 0:26:34# All the way through the night
0:26:34 > 0:26:36# With a little derring do
0:26:36 > 0:26:39# I'll fall in love with you
0:26:39 > 0:26:41# Fear and delight
0:26:41 > 0:26:43# All the way through the night
0:26:43 > 0:26:45# With a little derring do
0:26:45 > 0:26:48# I'll fall in love with you
0:26:48 > 0:26:50# Fear and delight
0:26:50 > 0:26:53# All the way through the night
0:26:53 > 0:26:55# With a little derring do
0:26:55 > 0:26:57# I'll fall in love with you. #