0:00:02 > 0:00:03How do you have so much money?
0:00:03 > 0:00:05- Am I your getaway driver? - More my getty-caught driver.
0:00:05 > 0:00:10Her friend Roger needed to stay for a few nights, big deal.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12It's not right him staying. I don't care how good in bed he is.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Ah, it's so good to meet another Twilighter man.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18It's just not working, is it, Luke?
0:00:18 > 0:00:21See, we're having fun now! You're a single man.
0:00:21 > 0:00:22I want Gemma back!
0:00:22 > 0:00:29This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Jesus Christ! What happened?
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Trust me, it was the best thing to do.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Isaac had lost all his confidence - he had nothing to live for.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43- So you took it upon yourself to... - Pierce his ear!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Look at him, he's got a new lease of life.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I'm pretty sure he's dead.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50He ain't dead! He's probably just exhausted from looking so wicked.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Thanks to Piercing On Your Face, by Luke and Jason.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Is this another bullshit scheme?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Because we definitely had a rule about this.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59I'm just trying to take your mind
0:00:59 > 0:01:01off that thing I'm not allowed to mention.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02That is sort of mentioning it.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- I would never talk about the letter. - Still going.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Especially not the bit where she says she never ever
0:01:08 > 0:01:11wants to see you again - I'm being considerate.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Considerate would be less murdering
0:01:13 > 0:01:16and more sorting out how I'm going to see Gemma and put things right.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Do you know what? You're absolutely right.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21He is dead.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Help me slice him up and dump him in the canteen bin.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27HE MOANS
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Mate! That looks awesome!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Who's this confident guy?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35It's not quite central. I'll have another go.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Nurse, stand aside.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41I need some space for my run-up.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Oh, come on, Dawn, it's not that serious.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52I asked you if I could, you didn't say no, so I ploughed ahead.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54How could I say anything? I was fast asleep!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Most girls love that kind of surprise.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57I'm not going on holiday with you.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00You should've waited until I texted you back before you booked it.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03It's only for five weeks. And you'll love the Falkland Islands.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05I don't. I can't.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I've cancelled Bev's leave to cover ya!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10She can see a solar eclipse on Mount Fuji any time.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Right, Creg.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I've had to say no to quite a few things this month.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- Thorpe Park.- You couldn't miss Nanny Rose's funeral!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- John Bishop's live show. - Nasty ear infection.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- Bikram yoga. - Nanny Rose's other funeral.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Yes, but the truth is...
0:02:24 > 0:02:28..I didn't actually want to do any of those things with you.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- Not sure I follow.- And all these gifts you keep giving me...
0:02:31 > 0:02:34The kissing swans paperweight - the heart-shaped pencil sharpener.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Ah, this holds twice the shavings your old one did.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I might be jumping to conclusions here,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43but I suspect you might have feelings for me.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44But I...
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I'm not...in any way...
0:02:49 > 0:02:50..attracted.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52To men? You're a less-bian?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Yep. Fully lesbian.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57SHE EXHALES
0:02:57 > 0:03:00There you go, I said it.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Creg, you've broken your pencil sharpener!
0:03:02 > 0:03:04No, Dawn.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06You've broken my pencil sharpener.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09You were holding it.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- Boys.- Black Elton John.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20You want to sign up for the musical before all the places go.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Wow, is that new?
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Looks shit!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25..ingly awesome.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29I'm no Tim Rice, but I never had you down as a lover of musical theatre.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Who's Tim Rice?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33You know, he wrote the Lion King with White Elton John.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Trust me. You do this crappy little show - invite whoever you like -
0:03:36 > 0:03:38and afterwards they have this reception.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40You mingle, have a laugh, eat nibbles.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Plus I get to smuggle in about six month's worth of heroin.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Oh, my God!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46There'll be a mingle.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- Do you know what this means? - Yes, sir! A pop-up piercing booth!
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Yeah, and also it'll be my chance to sort things out with Gemma!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Of course - it's so simple.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58You get talent spotted, become a famous actor, make a load of money,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01spend it on a kidnap squad, capture Gemma, lock her in a boat.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02No, no, no!
0:04:02 > 0:04:05We both sign up for the show, you invite Gemma,
0:04:05 > 0:04:06don't mention I'll be there,
0:04:06 > 0:04:10then I'll accidentally mingle with her and make things right again.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12That'd also work - you're a genius!
0:04:12 > 0:04:14It's such a shame I can't be in it.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Why not?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I can't take time off work for one of your silly pipe dreams, Lulu.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Isaac, what size cheek piercing do you take?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- Come on!- No!- Please?
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Lulu, when you keep 'arksing' people to do things they don't want to,
0:04:32 > 0:04:34it's actually quite annoying!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Now, what appointments have you drummed up for tomorrow?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39There's 30 boys on the wing - so that's 61 nipples.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Massive Steve's only got one, but Marcel's got both of Esteban's.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Just tell me what I need to do so you'll help me see Gemma!
0:04:45 > 0:04:46'Keep it down, gay lords!'
0:04:46 > 0:04:48We're not...
0:04:48 > 0:04:52Jason, can we please do some musical theatre together?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55I'll be in your ridiculous piercing business, I'll work extra shifts.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Lulu, of course I'll be in it.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Thank you, Jason.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00And once we expand into pedicures,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02you can be in charge of pedi-washing.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Maybe a bit of filing dead skin.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Go, Lulu!
0:05:05 > 0:05:07He's a-filing! Go, Lulu! He's...
0:05:07 > 0:05:10'Shut it, ladies, before I come in there
0:05:10 > 0:05:12'and give you each a new fanny!'
0:05:12 > 0:05:15He ain't no lady! He's the prison's number one pedi-filer!
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Tell everyone!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I don't understand it.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26You had a boyfriend, Steve. Or was it Stephanie?
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Er. Yeah, right.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Come on, boys, quick as you can, sit down.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30And that mechanic, Ian?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Ee-Angela?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34But those intimate pictures I saw that time
0:05:34 > 0:05:37I...accidentally downloaded the contents of your phone.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Those were pictures of Ee-Angela's brother.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42She was worried about the swelling.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Yeah, it did look pretty angry.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Right, we're all so pleased how many of you have signed up to do
0:05:47 > 0:05:48the show.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50It's a chance for you not just to learn new sills,
0:05:50 > 0:05:54but also to really let go and just have a great time.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I am totally against this.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Obviously, last year's show had its ups and...
0:05:58 > 0:06:00On-stage riots.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Let's not dwell on last year, let's just all have some fun.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07The only fun I had was firing rubber bullets at the cast.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Thank you, Creg.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I took Massive Steve's nipple clean off.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Any questions so far?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16That aren't about the hour of mingling afterwards?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Curtains go up in a fortnight, right here.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20First things first -
0:06:20 > 0:06:22who fancies being the director?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26It'll look really good on your CVs!
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Maybe lie about the name of the theatre.
0:06:29 > 0:06:3255. 50.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Mingling is now down to 45 minutes.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Any takers? 40 minutes.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- I'd love to!- Great. What show are you doing?- Um...- No show?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- Fine, it's cancelled. - No, no! I've got one!
0:06:41 > 0:06:42It's got to be Les Mis. Do Les Mis.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Gemma loves Les Mis.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- Isn't Cats the one she likes? - No, bruv, she's mad for Les Mis.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- CREG CLEARS HIS THROAT - If everyone's happy,
0:06:49 > 0:06:50I was thinking Les Mis?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Oh, that's my favourite!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54We've definitely got that in the library.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55I'll go and fetch it for you now.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Should we really be glorifying the tale of an escaped prisoner?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01I don't know. I feel sorry for Jean Valjean, being relentlessly
0:07:01 > 0:07:02pursued by a creepy prison officer.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Well, maybe Javert wouldn't have bothered
0:07:04 > 0:07:07if Valjean had thought to mention that he was a less-bian.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10So - Les Miserables.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12It's set in revolutionary France in the 19th century.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15What are you talking about? That ain't Les Mis!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Les Mis is about a load of dickheads who dress up as cats.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Oh, fuck that!- Didn't you ever listen to anything Gemma said?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23No wonder she wrote you that paper thing I would never mention.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Yes, I did listen, but for some reason...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Quiet, dick sniffers!
0:07:28 > 0:07:30We're not doing no cat-shit, yeah?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33The show we will be performing is
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Starry Skies - The Twilight Musical.
0:07:37 > 0:07:42The greatest books of all time brought to life on stage.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- OK?- I'm sure Dawn can get us those scores instead.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48What scores? Has somebody already written it?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Oh, great, you just invented it.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- Well, who's going to write...? - I'm sure you'll do a great job.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- No, I can't...- Cos if you don't...
0:07:58 > 0:08:01..I'll rip your dick off and shove it up your fanny.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05If he's half as good a writer as he is a pedi-filer!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07First rehearsal in...two days?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Chop-chop.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17But it's a great rhyme!
0:08:17 > 0:08:18I don't dispute that.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21I'm just not entirely sure what a vampire would be doing with
0:08:21 > 0:08:23a hand-dryer.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24- Ham choir?- Please, Jason!
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Let me work - on my own - so I can prevent my dick being
0:08:28 > 0:08:31inserted into whatever Marcel believes to be my fanny.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32You're being so boring.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36What happened to the old Luke I used to steal mobility scooters with?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Luke Takashima? I think he works for Southern Electric.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Whatever. I've got a business to run anyway.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Black Elton's got me one of those sticks you can put
0:08:43 > 0:08:44your receipts on.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- I'm going to pierce it through Isaac's chest.- Just go!
0:08:47 > 0:08:51So I can get on with writing 20 show stoppers in 48 hours.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Look - I can't concentrate if you're going keep playing with the lights.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11MACHINE WHIRRS
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Come on, Les Mis, I know you're in here somewhere.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Ah, here we go.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- They're not doing Les Mis any more. - What?- Annoying, isn't it?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24When you find out crucial details after you've put in
0:09:24 > 0:09:25so much hard work.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27I know you're surprised by my sudden -
0:09:27 > 0:09:30and completely confidential - announcement.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32But I'm still the same person.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35No, you're not. I used to love looking at these.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38But what kind of man wants to look at pictures of less-bians?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41You can still be civil to me, Creg, even though we will never,
0:09:41 > 0:09:44ever, ever be a couple.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Ever. We can still be...
0:09:48 > 0:09:49..friends.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52You've never called me that before.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Oh, how long I've waited to hear those words! Best friends.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Not sure I said best.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I'm so sorry, Dawny, I should have been there for you
0:09:59 > 0:10:00and I just got it wrong.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- I'm going to make up for this. - Please don't.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04I know!
0:10:04 > 0:10:07How about I treat you to a nice trip to the Falklands!
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I hear less-bians are practically legal on the East Island.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Best friends!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- Where's your bum chum? We said 12 o'clock.- Sorry I'm late.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I was stuck on the chorus of You'll Never Kill A Cullen.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28No, no, I won't spoil it. OK, let me present
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Starry Skies - The Twilight Musical.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Sponsored by Piercing On Your Face, by Luke and Jason.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38OK, we open with a spotlight on Edward - he's a small-town
0:10:38 > 0:10:41vampire but with big dreams.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Music - Fangs For The Good Times But I Need Some Fresh Blood.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48- It's a powerful ballad. - Sorry, why's he saying fangs?
0:10:48 > 0:10:52You know - vampires, fangs, thanks?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Can we look at the whole piece before we...?
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Edward don't got fangs -
0:10:55 > 0:10:58his teeth are normal shape,
0:10:58 > 0:10:59and unbreakable.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01We can certainly tweak that.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Edward ain't doing no ballad either.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06OK, good note.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Then, we open with... The Dance Of The Werewolves.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13No show of mine starts with a werewolf. Or a dance.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Yeah, well, I wouldn't write off the whole medium.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22This is all good!
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Oh, I think you're going
0:11:24 > 0:11:26to like this next one - it's a cheeky little rap number with
0:11:26 > 0:11:30a fair bit of attitude and it's where we're first introduced to Narhule.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- You mean Nawell? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Let's hear it then.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37OK.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41# He's the cruellest of the cru-awell
0:11:41 > 0:11:43# Don't take him for a fu-awell
0:11:43 > 0:11:46# He's the meanest kid in schoo-awell
0:11:46 > 0:11:48# You better watch out for Nawell. #
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Fair play for using Nawell, though.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55At least you didn't focus on Edward's annoying family.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Or the 20 years' war.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02We open with...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04the finale!
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Look, I only signed up for this so I could see Gemma at the mingle.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I've tried my very best to write a show, drawing on all my zero
0:12:12 > 0:12:16experience, and I've clearly failed, so why don't you...?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- You'll have the new draft ready for tomorrow.- Yeah.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Unless my threat to you wasn't quite clear?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I was wondering, when you say you'll stick it in his fanny,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- do you mean his bum?- Nah, doesn't he mean the hole it leaves
0:12:26 > 0:12:27when he's ripped off his knob?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I thought he had an actual f...f...f...
0:12:29 > 0:12:31I'll crack on with the new draft.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Good boy.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39We've got this amazing new bit with a whole choir made of hams.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47And before you ask, yes, she will continue to use the ladies' toilets.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Next - feeding.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Historically, less-bians are herbivores.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55And as you've already heard, they do die if they eat chocolate.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58So eyes peeled for any chocolaty snacks.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Creg? Is this...something to do with me?
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- I know you begged me to keep this between us.- Repeatedly.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07But these people are your friends - albeit second tier -
0:13:07 > 0:13:08they won't judge ya.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10The same way we don't judge Bev for her drinking
0:13:10 > 0:13:12and lacklustre personality.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14And I'll have that, thank you.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Do you mind if I have a word with these guys
0:13:18 > 0:13:19in private about...
0:13:20 > 0:13:22..the situation here?
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Of course.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25They've taken the news really well.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Much better than my briefing on B-wing this morning.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31They were as shocked at the news as your sister was.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Jason - have you been fucking with the clock again?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I just needed one spring!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Did it just get more confident in here?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51When did Will.I.Am arrive?
0:14:05 > 0:14:06This...
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- ..is beautiful. It's perfect!- Really?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I wasn't sure if Bella's dream sequence was...
0:14:12 > 0:14:16Shut up your nonsense - that's my favourite bit.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18This is even better than the Twilight musical I made Isaac
0:14:18 > 0:14:19write last year.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22You...are a genius.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I can't take all the credit - you're the one who made me
0:14:24 > 0:14:27stay up for 12 nights without sleep rewriting it.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31What can I say? We're a team! But there's still a lot of work to do.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34That's me done - I'll see you after the show.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Me and the boys usually look after the cloakroom.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Tell your guests it's going to be cold
0:14:39 > 0:14:42so wear coats with a high re-sale value.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Daz. You not coming?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I w-w-w-want to...
0:14:46 > 0:14:48You want to play Jacob?
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Good on ya!
0:14:51 > 0:14:52That's all good.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57OK, guys, we open in two days, all right?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59So I thought we might kick things off
0:14:59 > 0:15:00with a little bit of team bonding.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04So I'm going to take this ball, tell you my name and one thing you
0:15:04 > 0:15:07might not know about me. Then I'll throw the ball to someone else.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09OK, come on, on your feet, on your feet, on your feet.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Right, my name's Luke
0:15:11 > 0:15:15and...one year on holiday, I met Adam Woodyatt on the beach.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Hey! What did you do that for?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I know what we need to do.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Get Adam Woodyatt to tweet about the piercing business.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26It'll really boost sales.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28CREG BLOWS A WHISTLE
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I'm so sorry, Creg. It's nothing to do with me...
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Well, that's not what we had in mind, was it, pumpkins?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Luke, you're the director, and that means clear leadership.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43These people look up to ya.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45You've given me no choice -
0:15:45 > 0:15:47I'm docking you a week's phone credits.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50The rest of you, get this mess cleaned up.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Oh, and the musical's cancelled...obviously.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Oh, do enlighten me - what is this bright side?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Because from where I'm sitting, both sides are pitch-black
0:16:05 > 0:16:07and smeared with donkey shit.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08It means we've got more time to focus on...
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Shut up about piercing!
0:16:11 > 0:16:13The only piercing that'll happen around here is me
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- jamming this teaspoon into your oesophagus.- Yeah?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I was thinking about getting a Prince Leopold. Not a bit tacky?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Luke, you need to sort it out with Creg, get this musical back on.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23I'm waiting on deliveries
0:16:23 > 0:16:25from my weapons guy, my weed guy and my porn mum.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- And Gemma was really looking forward to seeing me on stage.- Oh, yeah!
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Cos obviously you were going to break the habit of a lifetime
0:16:31 > 0:16:32and actually do what I asked and call her!
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Bruv, I spoke to her.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Ah, she's going to be gutted it's cancelled.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37You really spoke to her?!
0:16:37 > 0:16:38What do you take me for?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I remembered to say you wouldn't be there.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44I came up with the best excuse - I said you hated musicals,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47so you'd be practising your pedi-filing.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48We'll call that a B+.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Mate, we've got a saying here in Sunnybank,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"That guy Luke is a massive loser."
0:16:52 > 0:16:54And now's your chance to prove everyone wrong.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Look, you're written a really great show - just hit him
0:16:56 > 0:16:58with a couple of numbers and he'll see.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- You reckon?- Yeah!
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Right.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04I've got a show to get back on track.
0:17:04 > 0:17:09# It's a starry sky tonight! #
0:17:09 > 0:17:11So what do you think?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Well, there's an hour I'll never get back.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Thank God I cancelled that shit. Phew!
0:17:15 > 0:17:16What's the harm, Creg?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19He's obviously worked very hard on this
0:17:19 > 0:17:22and the prison trustees will be very impressed!
0:17:22 > 0:17:23I'm not risking it.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Go on, Creg. I'm asking as a...friend.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- Best friend?- Mm.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Aww!
0:17:31 > 0:17:34You're lucky you've got my best friend batting for your side.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Although she has been known to change the side
0:17:36 > 0:17:39she bats for. Have your musical.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- Thank you, Creg.- But no mingle.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46If it's a really good show, it does seem fair
0:17:46 > 0:17:47they get to celebrate for a bit?
0:17:47 > 0:17:48OK, fine!
0:17:48 > 0:17:51IF it's a really good show - by which I mean me
0:17:51 > 0:17:54and the prison trustees are all jiving in the aisles -
0:17:54 > 0:17:56then you can have your mingle.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58But the slightest hint of any funny business,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01and you'll be picking rubber bullets out of your shins.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Thank you, Creg, you honestly... - Get out!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09What is it with your people and musical theatre?
0:18:14 > 0:18:19Daz, you need to remember, this throw is an emotional moment.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22It symbolises the release of the woman you love
0:18:22 > 0:18:24into the arms of another man.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Jason, just try and remember that you're a vampire.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29HE HOWLS LIKE A WEREWOLF
0:18:29 > 0:18:31And that you have to catch him!
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Come on - we've got two days to turn this into the best damn
0:18:35 > 0:18:37musical this prison has ever seen!
0:18:37 > 0:18:41A musical that says, "Give those boys an effing mingle!"
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Right. Are you all with me?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44ALL: Yeah!
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Oh, OK.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Let's get this scene on its feet. Positions, everyone.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Jacob, I want you holding Bella in your arms,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52we'll have the vampire chorus stage left.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Jason! You're really not helping.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Sorry, sorry - my bad.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02I can't believe we've done it!
0:19:02 > 0:19:03I think it might actually
0:19:03 > 0:19:04be pretty good!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06You won't just be getting a mingle -
0:19:06 > 0:19:07I could see this transferring
0:19:07 > 0:19:08- to Broadmoor.- Broadway.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Oh, they've got
0:19:09 > 0:19:11a prison there as well?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Assuming all goes well,
0:19:13 > 0:19:14tell me what you're going to say
0:19:14 > 0:19:16to Gemma at the mingle.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17"That was amazing, wasn't it, Gem?
0:19:17 > 0:19:18"You should meet the writer,
0:19:18 > 0:19:19"he's really..."
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- BOTH:- Dignified and mature.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Then, you take her backstage.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25And then - this is the crucial
0:19:25 > 0:19:26part - you leave us
0:19:26 > 0:19:29the fuck alone to patch things up.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30- Got it?- Got it!
0:19:31 > 0:19:35# It's a starry sky tonight.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37# Where the werewolves howl
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Awoooooo!
0:19:38 > 0:19:40# And the vampires bite
0:19:40 > 0:19:41- BOTH:- # I'm going to steal my Bella
0:19:41 > 0:19:43# From that other fella
0:19:43 > 0:19:49# It's a starry sky tonight! #
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- POUNDING ON WALL - Keep it down, gaylords!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Yep, fair enough.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59HE LAUGHS
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Esteemed prison trustees,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03ladies and gentlemen,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06it's great to see so many friendly faces here tonight -
0:20:06 > 0:20:09young and old, black and white,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11less-bian and normal.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14All brought together by musical theatre.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I've had a sneak preview of what you're about to see...
0:20:17 > 0:20:20But I'm promised they've really improved it since then.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21All right, get on with it!
0:20:21 > 0:20:24APPLAUSE
0:20:26 > 0:20:30# I'm a vampire And I'm a virgin
0:20:30 > 0:20:33# I need to meet some girls And start flirting
0:20:33 > 0:20:36# Cos I'm a thousand years old
0:20:36 > 0:20:40# So my balls are really hurting
0:20:40 > 0:20:42# I need a girl, I need a girl... #
0:20:42 > 0:20:46# I've seen the boy of my dreams
0:20:46 > 0:20:50# And my life can suddenly begin
0:20:50 > 0:20:54# He's got beautiful long, flowing hair
0:20:54 > 0:20:57# With his bright yellow eyes
0:20:57 > 0:20:59# And his milky-white skin
0:20:59 > 0:21:03# When will he fall in love with me? #
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- # I'd rather you were French - French
0:21:06 > 0:21:08# I'd rather you were queer
0:21:08 > 0:21:09# Queer
0:21:09 > 0:21:13# I'd rather that you enjoyed Top Gear
0:21:13 > 0:21:16# Than go out with a human
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- # I'd rather you were fat - Fat
0:21:18 > 0:21:20# A quadruple amputee
0:21:20 > 0:21:23# Amputee
0:21:23 > 0:21:26# Constantly off your face on ketamine
0:21:26 > 0:21:29# Than go out with a human
0:21:29 > 0:21:31# Don't go out with a human. #
0:21:47 > 0:21:49It's going well, isn't it? Has Gemma turned up?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- She's loving it! - And Creg's enjoying it?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53He's even loosened his stab vest!
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Just the finale left, then Operation Mingle is go!
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- Has Isaac got his harmony sorted? - He's sounding amazing!
0:21:59 > 0:22:00That boy's a star.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I reckon he's got a future on the stage if he survives.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03If he survives what?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06It's probably nothing, he's just in more of a coma than normal.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07What?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16I don't know what's wrong. He seemed fine when I was piercing
0:22:16 > 0:22:19his cock out the way to make him look more like Bella.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Well, where have you put it?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24It can't go in there, it's not a fanny!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27It's all infected! Ah!
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Jason, you've given Bella trench cock!
0:22:31 > 0:22:35APPLAUSE
0:22:35 > 0:22:37What are we going to do?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39The finale's now - it's Bella's big number.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40The show will be ruined.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- There's only one thing we can do. - I guess so.- Cut his head off,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- stick it on a broom. - I'll have to be Bella.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46Yeah, you'll have to be Bella.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49But what about Gemma? I don't want her to see me before the end!
0:22:54 > 0:22:57And you're sure you don't want me to pin that out of the way
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- for you quickly?- No, thank you, Jason.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- You remember how the dance goes, right?- Of course.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Cos me and Daz have zhooshed it up.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Just go with it, yeah?
0:23:04 > 0:23:05What?
0:23:05 > 0:23:10# Sometimes a girl has two boys in her life
0:23:10 > 0:23:12# It causes grief, it causes hurt
0:23:12 > 0:23:15# It causes pain and strife
0:23:15 > 0:23:19# The boys just need to share me
0:23:19 > 0:23:22# The boys just need to share
0:23:22 > 0:23:24# There's more than enough of me
0:23:24 > 0:23:29# To go around The boys just have to share
0:23:29 > 0:23:32# It's nice to have a boyfriend
0:23:32 > 0:23:36# But it's great to have a spare
0:23:36 > 0:23:39# When you have two men in your life
0:23:39 > 0:23:44# The boys just have to share
0:23:44 > 0:23:47# It's a starry sky tonight
0:23:47 > 0:23:49# Where the werewolves howl
0:23:49 > 0:23:51# And the vampires bite
0:23:51 > 0:23:54# I'm going to steal my Bella From that other fella
0:23:54 > 0:24:02# It's a starry sky tonight! #
0:24:02 > 0:24:04APPLAUSE
0:24:13 > 0:24:16CHEERING
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Creg, I've got a bone to pick with you.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29And we've got a bone to pick with you!
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Why's it fallen on me to invite the gang here for the first time?
0:24:32 > 0:24:36Mum, Dad, Nanny Rose - you're looking much better.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- LOUDLY: - Back in a sec, Nanny Rose.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Aw!
0:24:43 > 0:24:47I need to tell you something - I'm not actually a lesbian.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50I was wondering.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52You can't even pronounce it right.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54The truth of the matter is...
0:24:54 > 0:24:56- Go on.- I've just
0:24:56 > 0:24:58got literally no interest...
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- ..in going out... - You've got agoraphobia?- Yep.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06I'm pretty sure there's a treatment centre for that in the Falklands.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Oh, excuse me. Sorry, can I just say,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I thought you were great in that.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Now, is it true that one of you guys wrote it?
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- Oh! Guilty as charged. - Well, I work in the music industry
0:25:16 > 0:25:18and we're always on the lookout for up-and-coming talent.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Maybe we could hook up?
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Oh, that one was nothing. I've written loads of other shows.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Amazing! Tell me about one.
0:25:25 > 0:25:30Oh, there's the one that's set in a choir, full of hams.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Actually, I need a couple of days to remember where I put that one.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Are you going to be around in five minutes?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Cos I just really need to...
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- Gemma.- Luke. - I was just wondering if we could...
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Roger, I seriously think we should head off now.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Yeah, cool, babe! Be there in a minute.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Sorry about that, mate.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49You know what it's like, the old ball and chain!
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Hey, let me know about that ham choir thing, yeah?
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Don't worry, Lulu, everything's going to be completely fine.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59How?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01The medical unit managed to wrench it out.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Isaac's going to be OK, but his fanny's seen better days.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Oh, and they've promised a month in solitary to whoever's behind
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Piercing On Your Face, by Luke.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18It's the week you're meant to move to Australia with Gemma,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20but she dumped you for a much better looking and successful guy.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Is it too much to ask for you to leave me alone? Just for two years.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25How much weed is there, by the way?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27We just tipped over 19 ounces.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Why doesn't Luke break into Creg's office
0:26:29 > 0:26:31and steal the weed back...tonight?!
0:26:31 > 0:26:34If you can get away with this snatch, you'll be a legend.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37"There goes Lulu. Have you heard about his massive snatch?"
0:26:37 > 0:26:40The only thing I ask of Luke is that he definitely succeeds.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- Otherwise, he's dead.- Reasonable.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44HE SCREAMS