0:00:02 > 0:00:04How do you have so much money? Am I your getaway driver?
0:00:04 > 0:00:06You're more my getting-caught driver.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08- This time next year, us two will be in Austalia.- Yes, we will.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10It's just not working, is it, Luke?
0:00:10 > 0:00:14That's not f-f-f-f...
0:00:14 > 0:00:15fair.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16Roger, I think we should head off now.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18You know what it's like, the old ball and chain.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Last thing we want is any more funny business.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Argh!
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Dawn, you've made me the happiest man in the world!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35My mind's all over the place.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37I haven't even told my parents yet.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40All this time I spent thinking you'd never ask, but here we are.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Creg, I asked one thing on Question Time.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46You're a star now. I'm best friends with a celebrity.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I wouldn't say any of that.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51The world lit up the second Dimbleby said,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54"You, the mousey-looking lady in the straw-coloured pullover."
0:00:54 > 0:00:58I don't know, but hopefully someone from the Ministry will have seen it
0:00:58 > 0:01:01and they might give prison drug policy a rethink.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02And they... Look, if we can
0:01:02 > 0:01:04confiscate this much in a week,
0:01:04 > 0:01:06- surely...- You need to get some head shots done.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Why don't we go to the studio one night this week?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11It takes me two minutes to fold my bed out the way.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Don't worry, if you get cold between shots,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- you can borrow Mum's dressing gown. - HE CHUCKLES
0:01:16 > 0:01:17You celebrities!
0:01:24 > 0:01:25OK, are we ready for round nine?
0:01:25 > 0:01:30# De-ne-de, de-ne-de, de-ne-de-ne-de-de, unn! #
0:01:30 > 0:01:31What's in my trousers?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Isn't there a yourself you can go and fuck?
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Only eight more rounds
0:01:35 > 0:01:38and we'll be seeing YOU in the grand quarterfinals.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Now, what's in my trousers?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Oh, is it a Kia Sportage?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43No, hang on, it's Frank Lampard Senior.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46I'll give you a clue. One word. Two gullibles.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- Syllables.- This teddy bear, given to you by your ex-girlfriend Gemma,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51is one of your most prized possessions.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52What, Sam-Sam?
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Is it too much to ask for you to leave me alone, just for two years?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Stop being such a misery gloves, I'm only trying to cheer you up.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- I don't need cheering up. - Course you do.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05It's the week you were meant to move to Australia with Gemma,
0:02:05 > 0:02:08but she's dumped you for a much better looking and more successful guy.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Plus, someone's got piss on your teddy bear.- Oh, f...
0:02:12 > 0:02:14HE YELLS
0:02:18 > 0:02:20We'll have to get some weed from somewhere, mate,
0:02:20 > 0:02:21poor Marcel's really suffering.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24It's not just Marcel, this clamp down's affecting
0:02:24 > 0:02:25every single one of us.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26I've not been myself all week.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30And what are you dick nibblers going to do about it?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32I got a great idea that will cheer everyone up.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Up to you, but I personally wouldn't suggest
0:02:35 > 0:02:38a 'What's In My Trousers?' tournament at this exact moment.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Why doesn't Luke break into Creg's office
0:02:40 > 0:02:41and steal the weed back...
0:02:43 > 0:02:44..tonight?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Do you really think that's a feasible solution?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50That'd be a total suicide mission.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Give me until tonight to fine-tune the details.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56You're a good boy, Luke, doing this for the cause.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59I might have just changed my mind about you.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00- HE YELLS: - But if you let me down!
0:03:03 > 0:03:04I'm not going to let you down.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10And for the record, I was already scared of you before this.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Why are you grumping out on me?
0:03:24 > 0:03:25I did this to cheer you up.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27It's like you don't want to be the prison hero.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I DON'T want to be the prison hero!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32I never actually wanted to be the prison anything.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35When you got me incarcerated in this Dickensian shit box,
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I was pretty certain that was the worst thing you could ever do to me
0:03:38 > 0:03:40but, oh, no,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42you've had me split up from my girlfriend,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44brutalised in increasingly creative ways,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47and now, NOW you've got me committed to a death mission!
0:03:47 > 0:03:52You really are the gift that keeps on being a massive twat.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55And that, that, Jason, is why I'm all grumping out on you.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58All I'm saying is you haven't got a 'thing',
0:03:58 > 0:03:59that's why you're having no fun in here.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01'Prison hero' would be your thing.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Black Elton's got his businesses, Marcel's got his murders,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I've got 'What's In My Trousers?'
0:04:06 > 0:04:09If you can get away with this snatch, you'll be a legend.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13"There goes Lulu. Have you heard about his massive snatch?"
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Please, don't call it that.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16All you've got now is,
0:04:16 > 0:04:17"There goes Lulu, he's the one with
0:04:17 > 0:04:20"the ex-girlfriend who's moving to Australia with Roger."
0:04:22 > 0:04:23What?
0:04:23 > 0:04:24She's taking Roger?
0:04:24 > 0:04:29Keep up. You must remember Roger - handsome guy, lives in your flat,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31going to Australia with Gemma instead of you.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- How long have you known that?- She said the other day when she visited,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- I didn't have time to tell you. - I guess not, with the six hours
0:04:37 > 0:04:40you spend making me guess what you've buried in your bloody trousers.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Precisely.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Anyway, they're going on Sunday.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47She wants you to sign this form to transfer your flights over to Roger.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50My flights?!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Can you believe the nerve?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I'd rather grate off my own lips with a...
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- Grater?- No, a...
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Shut up!
0:04:59 > 0:05:00I mean, what's next?
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Roger wearing my shoes, using my condoms?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Nah, bruv, he wouldn't do that, yours would be too tight.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09He has to order special ones online from Europe.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- Please say you're talking about my shoes.- What are they called?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14It's one of those German words with lots of gullibles.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Anyway, Gem's asked if you can have that form signed
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- for when she comes back on Friday. - And what if I don't?
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Oh, they'll still go.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Just in a month or two, once Roger's saved up for some new flights.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Oh, boo-hoo, poor Roger's got to save up for a couple of weeks rather than
0:05:27 > 0:05:30stealing my flights as well as my girlfriend.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32No, no, no.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Uberschwanz Maximannschaft!
0:05:35 > 0:05:36- What?- That's the name of the great big...
0:05:38 > 0:05:39..shoes.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Have you done it yet?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Where's my fucking weed?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Marcie's going to struggle, it's really going to be hairy.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54They don't call him the Hairy Snatch for nothing.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57It's more than hairy, he's going to have to be really slippery.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Ah, ah, ah.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01The only thing I ask of Luke is that he definitely succeeds.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- Otherwise he's dead.- Reasonable.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Right, the weed is located in a locked cashbox
0:06:06 > 0:06:08in a locked draw behind a triple-locked door.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09So far, so good.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Dawn locks up at 8pm, so we're going to need to distract her and get
0:06:13 > 0:06:15him in before she locks the door.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- I could burn the place down. - That's probably too distracting.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Maybe just chuck some bleach in Isaac's eyes.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Aw, again?
0:06:21 > 0:06:25So, all I have to do is pick a series of prison
0:06:25 > 0:06:28locks in absolute pitch darkness.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Sounds to me like we've got a plan!
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Just one more thing - how exactly am I meant to get out
0:06:34 > 0:06:38of this locked office and back into my locked prison cell?
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Listen carefully to this part, Luke, I have no idea.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43So when you get caught in the morning,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46just remember to fart out your weed on the way to solitary.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49So my chance of success is nought per cent.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51He's so modest.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53That's the thing with The Snatch.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56You better not let me down, Luke, because otherwise,
0:06:56 > 0:06:58I'm going to cut your fucking head off and use it as a toilet brush.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Nah, it'll be too wide for the bowl. - Do you reckon?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- You could cut his head off and fuck the mouth.- Wouldn't that be gay?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Not if they're dead. I'll get you a wig for it and some lippy,
0:07:07 > 0:07:08it'd come up lovely.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Sounds like somebody's got a thing.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT: - By day, he's a mild-mannered
0:07:22 > 0:07:24'What's In My Trousers?' enthusiast
0:07:24 > 0:07:27but, by night, Luke Merson is The Slippery Snatch!
0:07:27 > 0:07:30I am not going to make a movie out of this.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32BUZZER SOUNDS
0:07:32 > 0:07:33- Evening, boys. - ALL: Evening, Miss.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36(Starring Dawn as The Guard Who Got Distracted.)
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Let's turn it in for the night, lads, some of us have homes to go to.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40No offence.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41- ISAAC SCREAMS - My eyes!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Who's chucked vinegar in Isaac's eyes?
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Have you got any idea how...?
0:07:46 > 0:07:51Oh, hang on, it's just bleach. We've got plenty more of that left.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Right, let's get you to the hospital wing
0:07:52 > 0:07:55and, you lot, to your cells, there's nothing to see here.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57No offence.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10BIN CLATTERS
0:08:43 > 0:08:44HE MOUTHS
0:09:00 > 0:09:04'You, the mousey-looking lady, in the straw-coloured pullover.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07'Does the panel agree that Chris Grayling's proposed reforms
0:09:07 > 0:09:09'will do nothing to address the wider problems
0:09:09 > 0:09:10'of drug use in prisons?'
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- CREG:- You tell 'em, Dawny.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13CREG UNZIPS TROUSERS
0:09:13 > 0:09:16'Does the panel agree that Chris Grayling's proposed reforms
0:09:16 > 0:09:19'will do nothing to address the wider problems of drug use in prisons?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21'Does the panel agree that Chris Grayling's proposed reforms
0:09:21 > 0:09:23'will do nothing to address the wider problems
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- 'of drug use in prisons? - CREG PANTS
0:09:25 > 0:09:29'Does the panel agree that Chris Grayling's proposed reforms...'
0:09:31 > 0:09:35CREG PANTS AND GROANS
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- CREG SIGHS - '..proposed reforms...'
0:09:38 > 0:09:39COMPUTER CHIMES
0:10:08 > 0:10:12I'm sure we both have a number of questions for one another about...
0:10:12 > 0:10:13events.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18But sometimes it's better to never talk or think
0:10:18 > 0:10:19about these things ever again.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22That sound OK to you, poppet?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26There's nothing there, we've wiped it all off already.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Oh, yeah! Zip up. Good.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Move out the w-w-w-w-w-w...
0:10:44 > 0:10:45way.
0:10:45 > 0:10:51- I guess you got your package then?- I did, and we are eternally grateful.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53It can't have been easy.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54It had its moments.
0:10:54 > 0:10:59Now, how was it the Cullen family repaid Zafrina for standing up
0:10:59 > 0:11:02for the cause in Twilight, Breaking Dawn?
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Christ.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06They killed him?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09No, the repaid her with an act of kindness.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Now, what can WE do for you?
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Name your price.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Wow, that's very kind and I'm touched,
0:11:18 > 0:11:22but I did this for the pure love of not being killed.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26So it would be great if you could maybe not give me
0:11:26 > 0:11:29quite so many tasks or beatings.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31No.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35- No?- I'm not going to stand by and watch The Snatch get shafted.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38This boy's a gold mine. He's going to get you anything you want
0:11:38 > 0:11:40from anywhere any time you 'aks' him
0:11:40 > 0:11:42and that means you pay up big.
0:11:42 > 0:11:48I've retired from this whole snatching, it's a young man's game.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52So we know you're serious, we want a 12-pack of Andrex Double Velvet.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Each.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55The Snatch chafes easily.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I don't need any of this stuff.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Next, any-time access to your porn library.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I like the normal stuff
0:12:01 > 0:12:03but Luke prefers the videos where they're all still alive at the end.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Luke, would you mind stepping in my office for a minute, poppet?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10You don't you tell him nothing.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Hey, this Snatch's lips are tightly sealed.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17OK, so you know those big boxes of Monster Munch
0:12:17 > 0:12:19you get in the newsagents,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22100 of those and five chocolate...
0:12:24 > 0:12:25..Labradors.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Where is it?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I can't just ignore you stealing drugs!
0:12:34 > 0:12:36I assumed you were doing something excusable down there
0:12:36 > 0:12:39like using the phone or sniffing Dawn's chair.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40I'm going to have to call this in.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42I couldn't get it back if I tried.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45And surely you wouldn't want me
0:12:45 > 0:12:48to allow certain knowledge to become more widely known.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Nice try, pumpkin, but who's going to believe you?
0:12:52 > 0:12:53You ain't got no proof.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Apart from that scar I spotted on the underside.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59The one shaped exactly like The Angel of the North.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Damn you, Luke.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05And damn that Breville I trapped it in.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06From the minute I laid eyes on you,
0:13:06 > 0:13:11I knew you were going to be my Moriarty, my Captain Gantu.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- Who?- You know, the baddy from Lilo & Stitch.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Forget it, we'll stick with Moriarty.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19You think you've got me, Luke...
0:13:20 > 0:13:23..and maybe right now, fine, you have, but I can wait.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24I've got stamina.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I remember.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Oh, right, you mean...
0:13:27 > 0:13:30But I will have my revenge.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Might not be today, might not be tomorrow.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Sunday I'm not in, could be Monday.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Dawny! We were just talking about the...
0:13:46 > 0:13:47The Angel of the North?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Luke was just leaving without saying another word.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53So my appearance on Question Time certainly made
0:13:53 > 0:13:54an impression on someone.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I'm going to kill him.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59It was only once, and I alco-gelled all the surfaces afterwards.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02No, Governor Riley's just had a phone call from Department.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05A junior minister's coming to see me tomorrow.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06That's amazing.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09They're talking about rolling out my campaign on a national scale!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11They're going to take some photos with me
0:14:11 > 0:14:13and the Minister as I hand over all the drugs.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Drugs don't photograph very well.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I'll take some nice pictures just of you.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I think the studio's free about nine o'clock tonight.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24I think the Daily Express like to use their own photographers, Creg.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Yeah, course. Great.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30How much weed is there, by the way, all safely tucked away in that drawer?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33In the end, we just tipped over 19 ounces.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Excellent!
0:14:36 > 0:14:38And what would 19 ounces cost?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41On the street, you're looking at about three grand.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45What an achievement!
0:14:45 > 0:14:48It makes me sick knowing there are people out there selling drugs
0:14:48 > 0:14:50on our streets.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Remind me which street it is they sell it on.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Yep, this all looks in order.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Ooh, do you know what I fancy?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05A Kinder Bueno.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06We'll take 5,000.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Don't get greedy.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08We got you all this stuff,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11plus don't forget I'm sorting out that Roger thing.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- What do you mean?- I mentioned to Marcel you wanted something
0:15:15 > 0:15:18arranged for a certain well-hung boyfriend of Gemma's.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Let's say he'll find it very difficult to get through
0:15:21 > 0:15:23passport control now.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- What have you done?- Exactly what the Volturi did to Irina.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Made a false declaration to Customs and Excise,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32preventing him from any foreign travel?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- No, they killed her.- What?! - I never said kill him!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Trust me, it's much cleaner this way.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Marcel, you categorically cannot do that!
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Listen to me, I am the Mighty Snatch.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Does that count for nothing?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Of course it does, Luke, but we had a deal.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- Take this back, I don't need it. - Maybe let's hang onto the Double Velvet?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Too late, lads. My boy Breezewell's on the job.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00This time next week, it'll all be done, and he don't do cancellations.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Who doesn't do cancellations? I've got statutory rights!
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- There must be an ombudsman.- I think someone needs to relax a little.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07See me later, I'll sell you some weed.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Fuuuuuuuuck.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Oh, what? Has he gone and brought the wrong flavour of Yorkie?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18No, weren't you listening? They're going to kill Roger!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22But I did pacifically ask for raisin and biscuit.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- IN A SOUTH LONDON ACCENT: - Word up, G.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Are you the main dealer, man?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35I need me about 19 ounces of the good stuff.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Actually, don't worry about quality, bad stuff's fine.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42How much that? Three grand? Psh, no sweat!
0:16:43 > 0:16:46How about two and a half plus my mum's Punto?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48It's got a full service history.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50You shooting off?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53No! What have you heard? I wouldn't do that at work.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Right, well, I'm just off now,
0:16:55 > 0:16:57so I'll see you tomorrow if you're staying late.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00You go, Dawn. Big day tomorrow, eh?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02A little bit more contraband for the old collection.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05I'll get that locked away for you with the rest of this
0:17:05 > 0:17:08surprisingly-expensive stash.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Thanks, Creg, I really appreciate that.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- You've been so supportive. - Now get out of here!
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Fuck it.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26I'm just going to call the police,
0:17:26 > 0:17:27get them to protect Roger.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Yeah, that could work.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Just say someone else took out a hit
0:17:30 > 0:17:31on your ex's new boyfriend.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32They'd never suspect you.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34You're the most honest guy in this...
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- prison.- Shit.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39How about that mate of yours
0:17:39 > 0:17:41who used to be in the SAS?
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Big Ranjit?
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Yeah, the one that did all that
0:17:43 > 0:17:45security and surveillance stuff
0:17:45 > 0:17:46for high-profile clients?
0:17:46 > 0:17:47What a legend!
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Did I tell you, this one time
0:17:48 > 0:17:50he took a bullet for Myleene Klass.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Showed me the scar.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Call him, he'd be perfect!
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Yeah, but I don't think
0:17:54 > 0:17:55- he can do it.- What?!
0:17:55 > 0:17:56But didn't he give you this hotline
0:17:56 > 0:17:58so whenever you're in trouble
0:17:58 > 0:17:59he could just rush over and open
0:17:59 > 0:18:01a big can of Ranjit-On-The-Ass?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- Yeah, but it's complicated.- Why?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Well, his mum's in hospital at the
0:18:05 > 0:18:06moment and I completely made him up.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Great!
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Yeah, but you're right,
0:18:10 > 0:18:11he'd have been perfect.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Night-night, Lulu!
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Oh, you're in early.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- You all right? What happened to you? - Oh, just a normal shopping accident.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Right. Just so you know, Bev's staying on after her night shift
0:18:32 > 0:18:34to cover me while the Minister's here.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36That's uncharacteristically nice of her.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Now, if you two don't mind heading off for a second, I'm...
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- Are you sure you don't mind, Bev? - I'll be grand,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- as long as I get some food inside me. - I'm pretty sure you've got enough
0:18:44 > 0:18:46reserves for the next few hours.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48What's that? Looks exotic.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50This?
0:18:50 > 0:18:55This...this is just baked seaweed on white.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- From the deli round the back. - Sounds nice.- It's disgusting.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I was going to throw it in the bin as soon as you leave.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04If you're throwing it away, why not give it to Bev?
0:19:04 > 0:19:05She's probably allergic.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Cut off a corner, Creg, she's been on all night.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11No, I'm starving, I'm going to eat it all now.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Almost gone.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26You wouldn't like it, it's very healthy.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT: - Next summer, The Snatch Two.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36This time he's a cold-blooded murderer.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Shut up, Jason, this is an insane nightmare.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43But on the plus side, Roger's definitely out of the picture.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46The picture is dripping in Roger's blood.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Oh, what am I going to do?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Yeah, you keep working on that. I'm just off to see Gemma.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54What? She's visiting now?
0:19:54 > 0:19:55The form!
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Don't worry, I remember.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- IMITATES GEORDIE ACCENT: - "Of course I'm not signing that,
0:19:59 > 0:20:03"I'd rather grate off my own lips with something that isn't a grater."
0:20:03 > 0:20:04No, I need to transfer the flight
0:20:04 > 0:20:07and then they'll be gone before anything murdery can happen!
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Tell Gemma they're on the flight.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Oh, are you sure?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19It must be so weird knowing you'll never ever see her again,
0:20:19 > 0:20:20not even to say goodbye.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Oh, well. Cheerio!
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- That's great, maybe we can have one now with... Is it Dawn?- Yeah.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37..handing over the drugs to the Minister.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Bad idea.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43Tell him I know about photos, Dawny, it's just not a good photo.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I told you we should've done this in my bedroom.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Stop doing that with your ears. - Everything quite all right, Creg?
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Sorry, yes, I just think this hat's a bit tight.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Where's it gone?!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58You are silly, Dawn.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Half of it's here and half of it's here.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Sorry, what's happening?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04They look much bigger if you do this.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06HE LAUGHS
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Why don't we show the Minister our new multi-faith prayer room?
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Woooooooow.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Can you all make that noise?
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Oh, sorry, is this a bad time?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Oh, it's never a bad time for the needs of our clients.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22I'll only be two seconds.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Dawn, I need to go to the visiting room right now
0:21:25 > 0:21:26because Gemma's in there.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30And I realise that I don't have a visit booked but I need to tell her
0:21:30 > 0:21:33that I'm sorry and I love her, and all this is because she's going to
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Australia and if I don't, that means I'm never going to see her again.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- SHE SNAPS:- Luke, we're sort of in the middle of something
0:21:39 > 0:21:40and, as you know,
0:21:40 > 0:21:44we require 48 hours' notice as per Ministry guidelines.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45So, if you don't mind...
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Can I maybe have a word with Creg outside?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Cos I have a little question and now is Question Time.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Come on, Creg, be an angel...
0:21:57 > 0:21:58of the North.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04I really don't want to get palmed off in this office.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07If you'll all excuse me,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I've got something urgent I need to attend to...
0:22:10 > 0:22:12..with my spirit wolf.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25I'm only going to be a phone call away.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Or just switch on the telly, I'm sure they'll be showing
0:22:28 > 0:22:30'What's In My Trousers?' in Australia.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Can we please hurry up or Gemma will have left already?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37OK, fine. Just help me get some of these spiders off me.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Whoa, I got up too fast. I'm going to be sick again.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Gemma!- Luke?- Please, please, don't walk away.
0:22:48 > 0:22:53I just had to see you one last time to say goodbye,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56and I'm sorry, and I'll never forget you.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58That's sweet of you.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00And I'm really grateful you signed this form for me.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04You being happy is the only thing in the world that matters to me.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Sam-Sam was wondering if he could go to Australia with you.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17It was meant to be us on that flight, Lukey, wasn't it?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Kind of was, but, you know...
0:23:20 > 0:23:24- ..here we are.- Oh, God, what am I doing?
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Am I being crazy? I'm rushing into this, aren't I?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- You could say that. - I've ruined everything.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33And we had something special.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Oh, God, Luke, could you ever forgive me?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Yes, I could forgive you.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Why can't we still go together, like we were meant to?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- I mean, I can still wait for you, right?- Yes, please.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Roger should probably still move abroad, though.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07This weekend.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09What do you mean?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Just, you know, he's going to want an immediate
0:24:12 > 0:24:15and substantial holiday to get over things.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16What are you talking about?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Luke's organised for Roger to be murdered next week.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25It's true that Roger's life is in a little danger,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28yes, but it wasn't me who actually specifically...
0:24:28 > 0:24:29- Goodbye, Luke.- No...
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Excuse me, miss, would you mind
0:24:37 > 0:24:39telling him to stop stealing my thoughts?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50What's up with Marcel? They confiscate his weed again?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Nah, his best mate's just been killed.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Breezewell!
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Do you know if that was the same Breezewell who...?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00He died doing your job!
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Breezie had some spare time today
0:25:03 > 0:25:06and he went round to your man Roger's house.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08He was just breaking in through the back door...
0:25:10 > 0:25:12..when he got his arm caught on the glass.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Well, I guess in his line of work, the odd accident...
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Accident? What are you talking about?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Fucking Roger caught him there and kicked him to death.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Why didn't you tell me he had such big feet?
0:25:24 > 0:25:29Do you think Roger knew why exactly Breezewell was there?
0:25:29 > 0:25:30I expect so.
0:25:30 > 0:25:35But you can ask him yourself. He'll be banged up here in a fortnight.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37I'll be honest with you...
0:25:37 > 0:25:38(I'm shitting myself.)
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Dawn, I think we've taken up more than enough of the Minister's time.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Just one last look, it might have slipped behind the back of the...
0:25:45 > 0:25:47SHE SCREAMS
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Argh! Officer Roper, what the hell are you playing at?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- '..will do nothing to address the...'- Can you at least stop it?!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55THEY LAUGH
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- Lulu?- Yes, Jason.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59I'm sorry, bruv.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- For what?- For everything.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03I've let you down so many times.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05I'm only trying to be your friend
0:26:05 > 0:26:07but I know I keep making things worse for you.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08You must hate me.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Do you hate me?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Of course I don't hate you, Jason.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Come here.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19I love you, Lulu, you're my best friend.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21It feels good that we can end things like this.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- What do you mean?- I'm getting out of here tomorrow, didn't I mention?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27What?! No, you did not mention that!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- How can you not...?- Ah, just kidding!
0:26:30 > 0:26:31You're so syllable!
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- Come on, back in the hug. - Get off me, that wasn't funny!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Like anyone's ever going to split us apart.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40We're going to be together for the next 548 days. What's that in hours?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Must be like a million hours.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Just me and you
0:26:43 > 0:26:49locked in our cell day after day, after day, after...
0:26:49 > 0:26:51# Fear and delight
0:26:51 > 0:26:53# All the way through the night
0:26:53 > 0:26:55# With a little daring do
0:26:55 > 0:26:58# I'll fall in love with you
0:26:58 > 0:27:00# Fear and delight
0:27:00 > 0:27:02# All the way through the night
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# With a little daring do
0:27:05 > 0:27:07# I'll fall in love with you
0:27:07 > 0:27:10# Fear and delight
0:27:10 > 0:27:12# All the way through the night
0:27:12 > 0:27:14# With a little daring do
0:27:14 > 0:27:16# I'll fall in love with you. #