0:00:06 > 0:00:14This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22WIND HOWLS
0:00:26 > 0:00:28VOICE ON RADIO: 'I'm totally fine.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31'OK, maybe I shouldn't have climbed this terrifying windy rock face but
0:00:31 > 0:00:35'I saw the baby goat and I just had to save that little critter's life.'
0:00:35 > 0:00:36- GOAT BLEATS - That is mountain goat.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38They live on mountain.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41You're not saving life, you're just chasing him.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44MAN SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE
0:00:44 > 0:00:45'Four goats!
0:00:45 > 0:00:50'Four of 'em, just sitting on the mountain like they live here.'
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Yes. Mountain goat! I tell you many times!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56'Wow, they have awesome balance!
0:00:56 > 0:00:59'I don't think I can keep my grip on such a steep...
0:00:59 > 0:01:00'Whoa!'
0:01:07 > 0:01:09MAN SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Young man dressed like, er, it's special phrase -
0:01:16 > 0:01:20in your language, Western man who think he look Nepalese,
0:01:20 > 0:01:24- but actually just look like penis. - Phew, oh, so it's not Cuckoo!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- Are there any other details? - HE CONTINUES
0:01:28 > 0:01:29He remember one final thing.
0:01:29 > 0:01:34Young man have, how you say... interesting packed lunch.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38On the outside, hard like leather of the yak...
0:01:39 > 0:01:45..on the inside, soft and fluffy like the yawny of the great goddess.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Jacket potato-ah!
0:01:51 > 0:01:52SHE SOBS
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Jacket potato-ah!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- Jacket potato.- Rachel, I'm so sorry.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- Jacket potatoes! - SOBBING CONTINUES
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- HE CONTINUES SPEAKING - Jacket potatoes!
0:02:03 > 0:02:04SHE SOBS LOUDLY
0:02:05 > 0:02:09MUSIC: "No Rain" by Blind Melon
0:02:24 > 0:02:30# All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
0:02:30 > 0:02:36# I like watchin' the puddles gather rain
0:02:36 > 0:02:42# And all I can do is just pour some tea for two... #
0:02:42 > 0:02:45SONG CONTINUES ON THE RADIO, KEN SIGHS
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Get it open right now, Dylan!
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- Got a good feeling about this, Ken. - Have you?- Yes.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Oh, bollocks! I didn't get any of my choices.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- Right, well, sorry, I disown you. - He tried his best!
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Anyway, with looks like that, Dyly doesn't need good grades.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Ha-ha! I was shitting you, you idiots!
0:03:05 > 0:03:09I got in! To do media studies at the University of Roehampton.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- Oh, wow, Dyly!- You little shit!
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Roehampton! I'll take that, son. I'll bloody take that! Well done.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Now do you see what a dick you were, Dad, telling me to work harder?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- Aw, we'll miss you when you go to uni, Dylan.- Obviously.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Champagne, I think. Who cares if it's before work?!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Get it in!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41CHEERFUL WHISTLING
0:03:43 > 0:03:45- Ben, hello.- You seem cheerful.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Well, Dylan actually got in to university.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Says something about the state of the country,
0:03:50 > 0:03:53but otherwise, great news. And what can I do for you?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Other than get us a new centre forward
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- for the City game on Saturday. - We need one! Ha!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- God, we need one. - I might just do it myself.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- You'd be an improvement! - "Here comes the big man upfront."
0:04:02 > 0:04:04"Bit of weight to throw around."
0:04:04 > 0:04:05OK, let's leave it there.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Well...
0:04:08 > 0:04:09What's up, my boy?
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Ken, OK, er, Ken...
0:04:14 > 0:04:16What is it? Hurry up.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Rachel and I have been seeing each other for just shy of a year now
0:04:20 > 0:04:23and, as tradition dictates, I thought it right
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- to seek your permission to ask your daughter to...- Yes...?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29..cohabit with me.
0:04:29 > 0:04:34- Cohabit?- Yes. With Rachel's temp income, by my reckoning,
0:04:34 > 0:04:38we could stretch to a three-bed semi with adequate garden area.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I've put together a folder of potential mortgages.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Take a squiz!
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Colour coded. A very complete job, then.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I'm asking her tomorrow.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56Good luck, and, Ben, as my old granddaddy used to say,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59"When you're out a-wooing, never take a folder.
0:04:59 > 0:05:04"Aim for romance, chocolates, flowers and a black polo neck."
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Done, done and done.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Ken...
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Rachel's had a lot of unpredictable influences in her life,
0:05:12 > 0:05:16but I swear, she won't have any from me.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24HE WHISTLES CHEERFULLY
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Rachel's in no state to make big decisions yet.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31It's like she's been a different person since Cuckoo went missing.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Oi, you stay out of it.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Ben is solid, dependable - it's just what Rachel needs.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37He's really bloody boring, Ken.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41If it's not football, it's law or local history.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Three of my major interests.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- Yes, but you, Ken, make them fascinating.- Oh, no, I don't!
0:05:46 > 0:05:50I just don't talk about them and I listen to you instead.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51It's true.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Oh... and do not tell Rachel he's asking.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Like I would.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Ken, don't look at me like that, I am not going to tell.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- I promise.- Mmm.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Well, SHE'S had work.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09That's Gok Wan, Lorn.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- SHE LAUGHS:- Oh, yeah.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31KEN BRUSHES HIS TEETH
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Rachel moving out, Dylan going to university.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36In a year, there'll be just the two of us.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I can't wait. Finally, some peace and quiet.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Actually, I did want to talk to you.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45There's, er... something we always said we'd do.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49A...a promise you made to me before we got married.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Oh, yeah? What did I promise?
0:06:52 > 0:06:53To get a vasectomy.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- What?!- Back in '92, when you had long hair,
0:06:56 > 0:06:58you said it was unfair that women
0:06:58 > 0:07:01had to take all the responsibility for birth control.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Such a caring, thoughtful thing to say.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Yeah, what a thoughtful caring boy I was in my 20s.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Come on, it's not like we're going to have any more kids.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Well, maybe there's a gesture you could make in return.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Is this that disgusting fantasy you mentioned last May?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Yes, it is.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Deal.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24And thus, my hairy friends, your fate is sealed.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Yes!
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- Dad was in a funny mood this morning.- Yes.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45He's bricking it about his vasectomy.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Which, by the way, you're not meant to know about.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50I think I was happier not knowing.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53We thought, now you and Dylan are moving out, we...
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- Shit.- What? I'm not moving out.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Yes, I'm not supposed to say that one either.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Never mind, here goes.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Ben is planning on asking you to move in with him.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Right.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Well, yeah, makes sense.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Well, who am I kidding?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- I was married to someone incredible, unique...- Yes.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17..and that happy part of my life's over now, so why not?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19TYRES SCREECH, LOUD THUD, MAN YELLS IN PAIN
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Oh!
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- Argh. Argh! - Bloody hell! Are you OK?!
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Oh... Sir, do you know you just hit me?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Excuse me, sir! You just hit me
0:08:29 > 0:08:31with your mobile vehicle! INAUDIBLE RESPONSE
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Unbelievable! Hello.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- Are you OK?- Yeah. Oh, I'm fine, just...processing the pain.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Oh.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Oh, well, you're not from round here, are you?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45No.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48I'm from a valley,
0:08:48 > 0:08:51hidden high in the peaks of Uttarakhand Province, India.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Winters are stormy and fierce,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56but come summer, the whole place teems with Brahma Kamal.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58A white lotus.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Flower of the mountains.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03It's nice. OK, see ya!
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Oh, are you sure you don't want us to call someone?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Oh, no, it's not the end of the world, right?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Not till tomorrow night. HE LAUGHS
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Oh.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Whoo-ho-ho!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Chemistry or what?
0:09:18 > 0:09:22- Mum!- Chemistry or what? - Do you know what you look like?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Ken.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Steve?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I knew you'd be worried, I had myself transferred for the day,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48so I could handle your unmanning personally.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- Unnecessary.- Oh, don't mention it.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I'm not letting my best pal's testes get anything but premier service.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56HE SLAPS HIS BACK
0:09:56 > 0:09:57SOAP DISPENSER RATTLES
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Lorna says you're back in the family home.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Oh, yeah, I've moved back in with Connie and her lover.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Being grown-ups about it.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07I'm fine with Pepe and Connie sharing the master bedroom.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I mean, people have sex, get over it.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13And if it's going to happen anyway, better it happens in my bed.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Right, Ken? OK.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18So, preliminaries before surgery.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Ah...
0:10:21 > 0:10:22..if you could, er...
0:10:25 > 0:10:27HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE
0:10:28 > 0:10:31HE WOLF-WHISTLES Oh, ah, hello.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34..lower your trousers.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Oh.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Steve, could you try to sound a little less excited, please?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48You always wonder when you're going to see
0:10:48 > 0:10:51your best mate's cock and balls. It's normally in a public urinal,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53but I've noted, Ken, you don't use them much.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56You have a bladder like a ruddy bison.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57OK.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02RAZOR BUZZES
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Erm, and this is...?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Ah, I prefer to work in a hair-free environment.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11You prefer?! You mean, it's not compulsory?
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Well, I suppose, technically, you get a choice.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Right, then turn it off, you little bastard.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Shame.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22HE TURNS IT OFF It's your loss.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Well, I'm very positive, it's got a really nice shape to it.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Really nice...proportions.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I look forward to operating upon it.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- OK, sorry, Steve, I've changed my mind.- What?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Why? I won't mess it up, Ken. It won't be like the last times.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41The last TIMES? Yeah. I am definitely leaving.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43No, Ken, wait. Wait, I love you.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46What? Oh, I don't love you.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- Mum, it was hours ago. Can we drop it now?- No, we can't.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56You should've got his number, you loser.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58What was I going to do? Run after him?
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Rachel, you will keep your dignity and die a spinster.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Mum! I'm with Ben!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06I know, I like Ben, I honestly do.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09But there was something about you and that lad.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- A mum knows.- I'll probably never meet him again anyway.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16And if I do, well, then that's destiny
0:12:16 > 0:12:19and I'm definitely allowed to do horrible things to him.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- THEY GIGGLE - Litchfield's not such a big place.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24I'm sure you'll run into him some time.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Mum!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Maybe it IS destiny.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- Ken?- Hey, love!
0:12:46 > 0:12:48You're back early. How did it go?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I bet he chickened out of it, right, Dad?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Lorna, why does Dylan know about this?- Oh, it just came out.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56So, did you go through with it or were you a chicken?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Yes, I went through with it. Why wouldn't I go through with it?
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Ha! So now you're a eunuch! Oh, how embarrassing.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04My brave soldier.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08What is that?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11I drove over him in the driveway.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Well, why didn't you take him to hospital?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Oh, relax, Ken. He's still breathing.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18It's probably just concussion.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21You knocked him unconscious! He could sue us!
0:13:21 > 0:13:24He's not going to sue us. Look at his lovely face.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28I think he's here because he likes Rachel.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Hey, do you think we should Biro the word "twat" on his forehead?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Yeah, really helpful, Dylan(!)
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Rachel is going out with Ben.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38For the moment.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40CAR HORN TOOTS
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Ben! Is it seven already?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50On the dot.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- For you.- Oh!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- Oh, and, er, here's chocolates.- Oh!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Guylian. French, I believe.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00- I think they're Belgian.- Are they? Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- I'll get rid of them. - No, Belgian's good!
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Rach, it's been two years since Cuckoo went.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Maybe sometimes you just have to live for today.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Well, not actually today. The flats won't be built until next April,
0:14:13 > 0:14:17but, you know, live for the s-soon.
0:14:17 > 0:14:23- Ben, I...I dunno.- Darling, the maths works out really well.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Cohabit with me. Eh?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Co-habite with me.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29SHE LAUGHS
0:14:29 > 0:14:34HE BABY-TALKS: Never been a better time to invest in PWOPERTY.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Oh, I-I'll think about it.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- Yeah?- Mm.- Rachel!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40He's waking up!
0:14:40 > 0:14:41OK, I'll call you.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46DOOR SLAMS You left your...
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Oh, shit the bed!
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Course they're Belgian!
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- FRONT DOOR CLOSES - Rachel, quick. Quick.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Where am I? Who are you?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I'm Lorna. I drove over you.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- Yeah, maybe not mention that. - I'm Rachel.
0:15:05 > 0:15:10- Hi.- You were watching over me. Like an angel.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Well, you're... you're fairly easy to watch.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Why don't we two leave you two to relax and get to know each other?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- I do not approve of this. - Shut up and get out of the room.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23No, stop, sir. I need to say something.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I came here today looking for someone
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I've been waiting my whole life to meet.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Oh, go on.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32It's not you.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- Hello.- Sir...you are my father.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39No, I'm not.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- Ken?- No, it's you.
0:15:42 > 0:15:4621 years ago, when you were 13, your family went on a vacation
0:15:46 > 0:15:49to an ashram deep in the Indian jungle.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53There you encountered my 38-year-old mother.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56You were drawn to each other like hot-blooded tigers
0:15:56 > 0:15:59and consummated your passion in a tent next to the mountain.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I am the fruit of that lovemaking.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Behold, Father, it is I, your son.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Ken, I did not know any of this.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Lorna, 21 years ago, you and I bought our first flat.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I think you might've noticed if, in between decorating,
0:16:17 > 0:16:21I'd have dressed as a 13-year-old boy who sneaked off to India!
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Well argued, Ken. Sorry, love, you've got the wrong guy.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27No!
0:16:27 > 0:16:31You're Cuckoo Thompson. Formerly Dale Ashbrick, my father.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34You're...Cuckoo's son?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Fuck me!
0:16:36 > 0:16:40- OK, so this one's Dad, not you, Ken?- Mm-hm.- Wow!
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- He looks so wise.- Oh, he was.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Yeah(!)
0:16:45 > 0:16:47He was. He was really wise.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Oh, Cuckoo would've loved to have met you.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Right, Rach?
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Yeah.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57I leave the ashram, travel halfway across the world to find my father
0:16:57 > 0:16:59and it turns out he's dead.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Oh, well, as Vashradi says,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05"Gotta keep smiling." HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE
0:17:05 > 0:17:07And how are you living?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- Have you got somewhere to stay? - I sure do.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I met this really sweet little community
0:17:12 > 0:17:14who sleep on benches behind the station.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16- You've been living with tramps? - Nice people.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19And, boy, can they drink! HE GIGGLES
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Well, love, until you need to head back to your ashram,
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- you're staying here. - OK, but I leave tomorrow midnight.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Nonsense! You can stay as long as you like.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Lorna, can I have a word, please?
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Yeah.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37- Why have you offered a stranger free run of our home?- He's family!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39He's the absent son by another mother of the dead husband
0:17:39 > 0:17:41of my daughter. I don't even think there's a word for that relation.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- Step-grandson. - HE SIGHS
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Anyway, he's cute.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Oh, Lorna!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Ken...big day, isn't it?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Cuckoo's son turning up out the blue. Your vasectomy.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- Yeah, listen, about the vasectomy, I...- See ya.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Dylan, you're not going out.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02We're all having dinner together to celebrate Dale's arrival.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- Er, no, I'm meeting Zoe, my girlfriend.- No, you're staying.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Mum, I have a relationship to maintain.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10God, when will you stop being so self-absorbed?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- Dylan!- And how do you even know he's Cuckoo's son?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14An American accent and a shit-eating grin
0:18:14 > 0:18:17and you're like, "Yeah, come in, stay, have dinner."
0:18:17 > 0:18:18I'm sorry if it sounds a bit harsh,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21but I hope he kills you both in your beds.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Yeah, that WAS harsh.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- Lorna, this is delicious. Thank you so much.- Thank you, Dale.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33So, your mother's serving a life sentence for drug smuggling?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35I haven't heard from her in two decades.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Kind of a bummer but, like the prophet says,
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I probably brought it on myself in a previous life.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Is that what they teach you on the ashram, Dale?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Oh, Ken, it is such a wonderful place.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48So ordered, peaceful and there's no crime,
0:18:48 > 0:18:52because any sort of wrongdoing is punished without a shred of mercy.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Oh, this is weird.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59If you were my dad's wife, then, in a way, you're kind of my mom.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- SHE COUGHS - In a way.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04And, Lorna, you're my grandmother.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- Mm.- Yeah. Never ever call me that. - KEN SNIGGERS
0:19:08 > 0:19:11You can call me Uncle Dylan. In fact, you have to.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- Dylan!- Mum, I'm welcoming our guest.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- So fuck off! - BOTH: Dylan!
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Oh, no! I just realised - we forgot to say grace.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- Don't sweat it, Dale, we're atheists, so...- Ken!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24He's just found out his father's gone.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- If he wants to say grace, let him. - Go on, then.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Good evening. Chief Ken has granted me permission
0:19:33 > 0:19:34to lead community absolution.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36- Dad, what is he doing? - I don't know,
0:19:36 > 0:19:40but Chief Ken has got a lovely ring about it. Carry on.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Peace on Vashradi for these are my sins.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48I've judged my brother man,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I have eaten at an oaken table,
0:19:50 > 0:19:54I have swallowed saliva, sap of my tongue.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55I watch cartoons on TV.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59I've glanced at the chest of a lady.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03And for that, may Vashradi forgive.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11FORGIVE!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Yeah, I take it back. He's definitely Cuckoo's son.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18All right, thank you.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Trust me, it's a cult.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Yes, typical. Anything to do with yoga or spirituality
0:20:27 > 0:20:29and you're dead against it. It sounds nice!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31An ashram in the mountains.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Look - "Vashradi Ashram invites single and divorced truth seekers
0:20:35 > 0:20:39"to discover a unique and sensual discipline for mind and body."
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Sounds all right so far.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42"Grand yoga master, Michael Vashradi,
0:20:42 > 0:20:46"will transform your beliefs and your lifestyle 100%.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50"Free yourself from family, friends and worldly goods.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51"No men allowed."
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Yes, granted, this does sound culty. - Thank you.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Hey.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Gotta look my best, big day tomorrow.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Sorry, I need to, er...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Oh, yeah, go for it.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Oh, Dale, we...we don't tend to use the bathroom together here.
0:21:11 > 0:21:16Oh, OK, I'm, sorry, that's... er, different rules here.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18On the ashram, we always have to go in pairs
0:21:18 > 0:21:21in case anyone tries to escape. HE GIGGLES
0:21:21 > 0:21:23All right, well, I'll catch you later.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Oh.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28- Oh...- Whoa, er, I'm so sorry, Mom.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Please, please don't call me that.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32OK.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Bye, Mom.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43SHE MOUTHS: Oh, my God.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Well...
0:21:45 > 0:21:48DALE LAUGHS Wow.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- So this is the vehicle from my picture?- Yeah, that's it.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55"Potatoes of the revolution"?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Can you explain that to me? It doesn't make much sense.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Another time.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Dale, you know this guy who runs your ashram, is it Vashradi?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- Vashwardi? - HE GIGGLES
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Vashradi. Yeah, come on, Ken, you've heard of him.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- Why would I have heard of him? - Er, no reason.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Maybe cos he's the son of God?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLING - Yeah.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Thing is...
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Lorna and I think that this ashram of yours, it might be a cult.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26What? No Chief Ken, wrong. Way off. I mean, in fact,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29the first line of our creed is, "We are not a cult."
0:22:29 > 0:22:32We say it every single morning and then we eat together,
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Vashradi picks his wife for the day and...and I get to work.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37See, that does sound like a weird place.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41As long as you're good and Vashradi is smiling, it's a wonderful place.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44If you're bad, yeah, you get tied to the post,
0:22:44 > 0:22:45but for, like, a couple days max.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47You know, I don't think you should go back there.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50No, I'm not going back there. I leave tonight, midnight,
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- the galawinga are coming to collect me.- The what?!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55The galawinga?!
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Remind me.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58HE GIGGLES All right.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01The galawinga are super-intelligent extra-terrestrials
0:23:01 > 0:23:04responsible for human evolution.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06They also left us the pyramids and ice cream.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Well, tonight, they're coming
0:23:08 > 0:23:11to take Vashradi's elected disciples up to space,
0:23:11 > 0:23:15and the rest of you get zapped by the special kickass alien lasers.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18I'm sorry, you...you think that tonight we're all going to die?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21It's really unfortunate. You're...you're such nice people.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22Dale, listen to me.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25All of this alien stuff, you know it's not true.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29OK, Chief Ken.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Whatever you want to believe, go for it.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35It won't be long till we find out which one of us
0:23:35 > 0:23:38is making a huge dumb-ass mistake. HE SLAPS KEN'S BACK
0:23:43 > 0:23:44KEN SIGHS
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Well, 20 minutes before 12,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I'd just like to say a quick farewell to each of you.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01Chief Ken... you are an inspiring noble person.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04I can't make any promises, but this should buy you more time.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Lorna, you cared for me when I was ill.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11A special bond exists between us.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Dylan, you are an insubordinate young man
0:24:16 > 0:24:19and you should treat your father with more respect.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- SLAP! - Ow. What? Steady on.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Listen to him.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24And finally...
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Rachel...
0:24:29 > 0:24:33I never knew my mom, but in my dreams, she looks like you.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Beautiful and kind.
0:24:34 > 0:24:39Soon your body will be butchered by extra-terrestrial lasers,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42but our souls shall remain together through Cuckoo.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47All right, catch you later.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- LORNA SIGHS - Well, Ken, I did not expect that.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Yeah. Come on.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40OK, guys, let's do this.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46# Here comes the galawinga Galawinga, coming for me
0:25:46 > 0:25:50# Here comes the galawinga Galawinga, where are you? #
0:25:52 > 0:25:55If this is a joke, it isn't funny any more!
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Do you want breakfast? I've made bacon and eggs.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13OK, I cannot believe this.
0:26:13 > 0:26:18Rach, how are you, er, feeling about Dale?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20What? Why are you asking me?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I mean, why would I feel any strong emotion about Dale?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25You are basing that on absolutely nothing.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Er, it's just your dad and I were thinking of asking him to stay.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30What? For good?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33At least till he's accustomed to the real world.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34No!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38It's too hard for me.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Sorry!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42You know, Cuckoo's son, by another woman.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45You didn't even know Cuckoo when he was 13, Rach.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47DALE ON TELEPHONE: OK, thanks for letting me know.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49OK, how long would he stay for?
0:26:49 > 0:26:54Actually, no, it's a bad idea, he's 21, he's not our responsibility.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58All right. Vashradi got arrested, the ashram's been disbanded.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01They're saying it WAS a cult.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04I'm guessing maybe that's why the aliens never showed last night!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06No shit(!)
0:27:06 > 0:27:09The basis for my entire existence has been shattered.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Everything I ever believed in turns out to be a lie.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Oh, well, gotta keep smiling.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19- Right, Ma?- Mmm. - HE GIGGLES
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Yeah! Don't call me that.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29So where are you going to go?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Guess I'll walk the world, like Dad.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Maybe, one day, I'll find an incredibly special person
0:27:34 > 0:27:35like he did when he found you.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39OK. Bye-bye.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- BUS HORN TOOTS - Quite touching that, wasn't it?
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- It's really very sweet. - It made me want to puke!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51It's probably best he gets out there in the world...
0:27:51 > 0:27:53- CAR HORN BLARES - ..finds his own way.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Yeah. He'll be fine.
0:27:58 > 0:27:59HORN BLARES
0:28:02 > 0:28:03HORN BLARES
0:28:06 > 0:28:08HORN BLARES
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Oh, all right, let's go get him.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25- Chief Ken. - Get in the car, you weirdo!
0:28:43 > 0:28:46It's weird, isn't it? Just as you've got the snip,
0:28:46 > 0:28:51put fatherhood behind you, you sort of become a father again.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Actually, Lorna, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57And I have been meaning to give you your reward.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59This is a one-off, OK?
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Absolutely never to be repeated.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04I should probably tell you this first.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08- Let's make love immediately. - What was it you wanted to say?
0:29:08 > 0:29:09Nothing to say, nothing to admit!
0:29:09 > 0:29:11Let's do this, I'm good to go here!