0:00:02 > 0:00:06Mom. Mom!
0:00:06 > 0:00:10- I have another question, Mom. - Dale, we're just here.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14Oh. I have another question about Dad's book.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Here Cuckoo's written this phrase, "Words are walls"
0:00:16 > 0:00:20and then right next to it he's drawn a picture of a smiling monkey. Why?
0:00:20 > 0:00:23- Well...- I mean, there must be a connection.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24HE SNIGGERS
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Probably something very deep. Very clever bloke.
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Anyone coming into town?
0:00:29 > 0:00:33I'd love to, but Rach and I are planning our trip. Dirty weekend.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37- That's my daughter.- I know, Ken. Felt wrong as soon as I said it.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I'm staying right here until I master Dad's book.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Hey, Mom, this page is blank, do I read it anyway?
0:00:45 > 0:00:47What about you, Dale, fancy a trip into town?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- Can I ride with my head out the window?- Yes, but not in traffic.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Yes!
0:00:54 > 0:00:58This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04No offence to your father, Dale, but these are real books.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09Thousands of years of human knowledge all bound in dusty leather jackets.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I never knew the world has this many books.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14And we only had a small library on the ashram,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16all written by my leader, Vashradi.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- Oh, yeah? He was an author, too, was he?- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20He wrote some great ones -
0:01:20 > 0:01:22the Dictionary, the Bible,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace - my favourite.- Yeah. Good going.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29HE GASPS
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Oh, my God.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Wowee.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Edmund Burke's Vindication Of Natural Society.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41- Excuse me, is this a first edition? - You know your books.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45This is the sort of book you can build a collection on.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Oh, Christ! Oh, I shouldn't.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53I really shouldn't.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- If you just pop your PIN in there, sir.- If you think about it,
0:01:55 > 0:01:58it's an investment, isn't it?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00BELL JINGLES
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Excuse me, I gather that you have an Edmund Burke first edition?
0:02:04 > 0:02:08- I'm sorry, I just sold it. - Yes, I'm a collector.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Ken Thompson.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- Well, fuck me. - Dr Rafferty. Wow.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I didn't think I'd ever have to see you again -
0:02:16 > 0:02:18I mean, GET to see you again.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Likewise, completely likewise.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27- Who's your friend?- This is Dale, my daughter's late husband's son.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Dale, Dr Rafferty used to be my history lecturer at college.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Oh, wow, you actually taught chief Ken?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35You must be the wisest man in the world.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38The only thing that I know is that I know nothing.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40HE LAUGHS
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- That is freaking deep. - Amusing boy.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46So, Ken, you've bought the book.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49I'm surprised to see you still pursuing the history.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51The last I heard, you were plugging away as a solicitor.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Yes, I'm a successful solicitor,
0:02:54 > 0:02:59with an Edmund Burke first edition in mint condition. Well, see you.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Er, Ken, reading Burke in first edition
0:03:02 > 0:03:05has been a life-time ambition for me.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Well, best of luck finding one. I hear they're very hard to come by.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Well, I would try to find one for myself
0:03:11 > 0:03:13but time isn't exactly on my side.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17- You...- Let's just say that if you were to lend me that book
0:03:17 > 0:03:21it wouldn't be for longer than six months.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Wow, six months? You can read a book that fast?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Ken, I got a great idea.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33You should lend Dr Rafferty your copy.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Er, no, no, Dale, I'm sure that's not what Dr Rafferty was suggesting.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Ken, that would be wonderful. If you were to lend me that book,
0:03:41 > 0:03:45you would make one of my last earthly wishes come true.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49You could make his wishes come true.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Who wouldn't want to do that?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Only a complete arsehole.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04You've made an old man very happy.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12You annoy me sometimes, you know that?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19He's had it two weeks, Lorn, that's more than enough time.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Did I ever tell you about the time
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- that he marked my second year coursework down to a 2/2?- Oh, yes.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27It's one of my favourite stories. But you didn't let it stop you
0:04:27 > 0:04:29doing the right thing. I'm proud of you, Ken.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32He's a professor, he could finish a book in an afternoon.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I bet he's lying about his illness, I wouldn't put that past him.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Calm down, Ken, it's just a book.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39- It's an expensive book. - Really? How much?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- £80. - 80 quid? Jeez, Ken.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Well, I hope it's a hardback.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I'm bloody ringing him, and if he tries bluffing me,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50he'll wish he was dead sooner.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53He's dead?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- WOMAN:- 'Sooner than expected. Sorry.'
0:04:55 > 0:04:58No, no, no. He said he had six months.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01'Well, that was optimistic. We were hoping for six weeks, but...'
0:05:01 > 0:05:04WHISPERING: Six weeks. Lying bastard.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- 'Sorry?'- No, I'm sorry.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09That is terrible. And inconvenient.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12'Well, if you wish to pay your respects there's a ceremony
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- 'at the house tomorrow. We'll be spreading the ashes.'- Yeah, maybe.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Thing is, before he so tragically passed,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- I sort of lent him this book. - 'A book?'
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Yeah, and it was an Edmund Burke first edition so, you know...
0:05:26 > 0:05:28LINE DISCONNECTS
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Hello? Hello?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Honestly!
0:05:33 > 0:05:35And you know it's ready when how good it tastes overpowers
0:05:35 > 0:05:37the guilt you feel for killing the cow.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Not quite.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Well, terrible news, Lorn.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45I've just spoken to Rafferty's niece - he's only dead.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- Oh, dear. - Oh, I'm sorry.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Not unexpected, though, was it? - There's a service tomorrow.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- I think I'll go.- OK.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- Ken, I thought you hated him. - It's a sort of love-hate thing.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Turns out I'm really upset about all this.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I'll go and pay my respects.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07- You are not going to that funeral to get your book back.- Lorna!
0:06:07 > 0:06:11That is a dreadful thing - offensive, actually.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Not as offensive as pretending to be sad so you can go to a funeral
0:06:13 > 0:06:15and filch your book.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16HE GASPS
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- I miss him.- Yesterday you called him Dr Dickhead.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Rafferty is dead, Lorna.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- Dale! - I'm sorry.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28I-I'm, I'm so sorry, I-I'll clean this right up.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I just... I thought I heard you say that Dr Rafferty had died.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Yeah, I did say that. He's dead.
0:06:34 > 0:06:39HE WHIMPERS
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Oh, Dale, what's wrong?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44How can the world be so cruel?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Dr Rafferty! Why?!
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Oh, come on, you only met him for five minutes.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I've had longer relationships with a Cornish pasty.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56You barely knew him, Dale.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00And now I never will. He's dead, Ken.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03And I'll never get to see daddy Rafferty ever again.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Ever!
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Oh, something deeper going on there.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12This is something we psychologists call transference.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Don't remember you qualifying as a psychologist, Connie.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19I did a two-day course. It's as much intuition as it is learning.
0:07:19 > 0:07:24This stranger's death has triggered all Dale's sublimated grief
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- for his father, Cuckoo.- Oh, how perceptive(!) What was the clue?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Was it him shouting "daddy" and running off in tears?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Emotions are powerful things, Ken.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35And if they're not dealt with at the right time,
0:07:35 > 0:07:39- they can come back and haunt you. - Say, 25 years into your marriage
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- when you end up transferring bedrooms?- Ken.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I'd say Dale needs to go to Dr Rafferty's funeral.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Deal with his grief head-on.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52And most of all, he needs the support of his family.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55That is actually quite insightful analysis, Connie.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00Yeah, and that's why we should ALL go to the funeral.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01For Dale.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Why couldn't you just leave me at home, like normal parents?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Because you're supporting your step-nephew.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Yes, besides, the last time you were home alone burglars broke in
0:08:16 > 0:08:20and stole only vodka and beer and left a used condom in my office.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Which is why I should be there to guard the house.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25I'm supposed to be seeing Zoe this weekend.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I'm sure your relationship can survive 24 hours.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Dale, you look smart, love.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33I wanted to get it right.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Shamus was always so well put together.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Always?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Well, every time I met him.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Ken, do you think Shamus is a ghost
0:08:44 > 0:08:46and is haunting us right now?
0:08:46 > 0:08:51Well, Dale, if Dr Rafferty now exists as a ghost
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I'd say he's probably with his family, instead of an ex-student
0:08:54 > 0:08:57and a guy he met once for five minutes in a shop.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- DYLAN:- Sorry, babe, I'm not going to make it.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- I don't know if I can do this. - We're all here for you.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09But I'm not strong like Ken, Lorna. I mean, look at him.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11It's like he's not feeling any pain at all.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Oh, I'm hurting, Dale, I'm just British. Dylan, get off the phone,
0:09:14 > 0:09:16you're supposed to be in mourning.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Yeah, yeah, but it's not like our relationship
0:09:18 > 0:09:20can't survive 24 hours, eh?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24OK, fine!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Zoe's gone and said we're not exclusive this weekend.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- Really? Oh, that's a risky play. - Yeah, thanks, Mum.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Now she's at Charlotte Brown's pool party and I'm stuck here
0:09:32 > 0:09:34at a funeral for some old dead twat.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Dylan, be quiet. Can't call my professor some old dead twat.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Hi. Sorry for your loss.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Thank you. Who are you?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46My name's Ken Thompson. This is my family.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Oh, boy, that's him.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00That's him in that tiny little jar.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05HE WHIMPERS
0:10:05 > 0:10:10It hurts so bad. So bad!
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Why did he have to leave me? Why?!
0:10:14 > 0:10:17HE SOBS
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Oh, you poor thing.
0:10:21 > 0:10:26- You're his new American friend, aren't you?- Yes, that's me.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31- I thought as much. He talked a lot about you.- Did he?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35- Yes, especially towards the end. - Oh!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37You are very welcome here.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42- Would you like to meet the family? - I would love to.- Come on.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48What is going on with them and Dale?
0:10:48 > 0:10:53Well, they're Quakers, aren't they? You know, progressive, huggy, huggy.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Inclusive.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57We're going to have to sing?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00You're going to have to be respectful, Dylan, yes.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Yes, Dylan, this is a funeral. There is such a thing as putting
0:11:02 > 0:11:05other people's wishes before your own, you know.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Now, I'm going to enquire about my book.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Oh, you're not still going on about that?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- It cost me £100, Lorna. - I thought you said 80?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Yes, 80, I was rounding up.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21At least you can say he led a full life.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Oh, yes. Mm.
0:11:23 > 0:11:29- Does feel that we've lost a real gem of a guy, doesn't it?- Yes.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- Feels like a light's gone out in the world.- It has.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35He was such an inspiration to me at college, you know.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- I mean, to all of us. - Was he?- Oh, gosh, yes.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Such an intelligent man, nose always in a book.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Just think of all those books he had.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I mean, where did he keep those books?
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- In his private study. - Oh, gosh...
0:11:54 > 0:11:58I couldn't have a look at them, could I? Just for old time's sake.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02I dunno, I guess it would just be my way of saying goodbye.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05None of us have been in there since he died.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Actually it...it is where he passed.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Oh, so fitting.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I mean, I'm talking a minute max.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Right then, you mean old bastard, where is it?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37You're the only one of his former students who came.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Is that how Shamus met your American friend, through you?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Yes.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- Are you all right? - I'm sorry.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55- It's been a hell of a couple of days, you know.- Yeah.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I-I actually had someone phoning up trying to steal
0:12:58 > 0:13:00one of his most expensive books.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Oh, my God, how terrible.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05And, this book,
0:13:05 > 0:13:06it was your uncle's, was it?
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Because, you know, collectors, they borrow, they...they lend.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15It was you, wasn't it? You're the man who phoned.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- Oh, no. Not me. - And now you're here.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22You're trying to steal from Shamus at his own funeral.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25That is a terrible accusation.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29I know this has been a very difficult time for you, yeah?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- What's your name? - Sandra.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35Sandra, I would never steal from your uncle,
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- certainly not in the legal sense. - I'm sorry.
0:13:39 > 0:13:45I just know that Shamus would've wanted me to protect his collection.
0:13:45 > 0:13:51Oh, there, there, there, let it out. Let it out.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55Sh, this is bound to happen, eh?
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Yeah, that's right. There, there.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Oh, hey.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Better, yeah?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- Thank you. - Yeah.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Get it in!
0:14:24 > 0:14:29"History of Genocide"? No. No.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Not now, Ken.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52- Dylan, do you have to be so mopey? - It's a funeral, Mum.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54And I'm supposed to be at a pool party
0:14:54 > 0:14:58where Zoe's probably boning all my mates. Fucking Judases.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Oh, I'd have thought an 18-year-old boy would love a free pass.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Yeah, who am I going to hit on, Mum? Have you seen the talent in here?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06There's not even any MILFS.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Not saying you should hit on anyone, just saying.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13There's a lovely girl over there, why don't you go and talk to her?
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Go on.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31So, pretty boring all this religious stuff, eh?
0:15:31 > 0:15:35I'm used to it. My family's devout. I've been in the church since birth.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- Er, so what's your name? - Chastity.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Where did you hide it, old man?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Mine!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10So sorry for your loss.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15LAUGHTER
0:16:15 > 0:16:19Oh, Aunt Mary, I'm so happy to finally meet you.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22But at the same time, it really bums me out because you're so old
0:16:22 > 0:16:25and probably going to die soon, too.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Oh, well, maybe that's one way of looking at it.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Mmm, there's no maybe about it.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I mean, I just met you but one day, tomorrow, perhaps today,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37you're going to be in that little jar, too.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40All your memories, hopes and dreams gone forever.
0:16:40 > 0:16:46You, too, probably. I mean, in fact, all of us but you guys first.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48It's OK, though.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Oh, my goodness, your skin is like...tissue paper.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56I'm going to let go before I tear you.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59It's like I'm watching you die in front of my eyes.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03I suppose the important thing is that you lead a full life.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07But did you? Did you achieve everything you wanted?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Because it's too late now.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12You can't sky dive, your bones would break.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16And not even from the landing, just from putting on the harness.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I know, right? It's super sad.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22So you've met Dr Rafferty's special friend?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- You know, the American one. - Oh.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Yes, Dr Rafferty and I only knew each other a short while.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32But he touched me in a very special way.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Oh. Right.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39I was wondering if we could get your take on the order of service
0:17:39 > 0:17:42because you knew a different side to him than us.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- That would be an honour. - Come on.- OK.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- Excuse me. - Hello.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09- What is it they call them these days?- Sorry, who?
0:18:09 > 0:18:10You know...
0:18:10 > 0:18:12woofters.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16So, I'm just saying that if God is cruel enough
0:18:16 > 0:18:18to take your great uncle away from you,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21then maybe you shouldn't be obeying his laws.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Yeah, but, Dylan, it's because we don't understand God
0:18:24 > 0:18:27that we have to have faith that He has a plan for us.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Yeah, there's that,
0:18:28 > 0:18:32but maybe God's plan was for you to meet me at this funeral.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Because, I mean, he is pretty clever when it comes to things like that,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38you know, being God, so in a way,
0:18:38 > 0:18:43if you don't cop off with me you are kind of disobeying Jesus.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48What I didn't know at the time was that grapes can be lethal to dogs.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Lorna. Quick word.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- I'm in the middle of something. - Now.
0:18:56 > 0:19:01- We've got - Dylan, what the hell are you doing?- Mum's idea.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- Was it?- Dylan, at least try to be a little more discreet.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Come on.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- We've got a bit of a problem. - Go on.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13It turns out that the family think that Dale is Rafferty's gay lover.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- What?- Seriously, I've just had a detailed monologue from Aunt Alice
0:19:17 > 0:19:21about Rafferty's recent habit of Skyping an unusually young American.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Explains why they're being so nice to him.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26It's sweet that they're being so welcoming.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Dylan, I said more discreet.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Let's get going before it gets out of hand.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Also, I took my book out of Sandra's bag.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- So I want to get going before she finds out.- You stole it?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Legally you can't steal your own property.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Ken, it will look like stealing. Give it back and buy another one.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50- It's a very expensive book. - Oh come on, £100? You can afford it.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- It was £500. - Bloody hell, Ken!
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Sh!
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Sorry. Sorry.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Let's just find Dale and get out of here.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06It's so lovely to get to know you.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- Is there anything you want to ask about my uncle?- Yes, actually.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15Do you think he'll come back as a ghost and haunt us?
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Oh...
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Cos I would love that.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Hi. We're going to have to get going.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- Before the service? - Yeah, it's a strange one
0:20:24 > 0:20:27but traffic's a killer on the M6 and we're not using the toll.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- Come along, Dale. - Actually, Ken, I can't leave.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- I'm a part of the service.- Really?
0:20:32 > 0:20:36We thought it'd be nice for Dale to make a little contribution.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Oh, Dale, I don't think you should do that.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I think instead, we should leave immediately.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Ken, I'm surprised. I thought you would want to stay for the ceremony.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Or did you find the book already?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Book? What book?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51We're here to pay our respects to Dr Rafferty, that's all.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- But you...- No, I didn't, Dale.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Grief has clearly addled your mind.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Can you take your seats? We're ready to start now.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01# All things bright and beautiful
0:21:01 > 0:21:07# All creatures great and small
0:21:07 > 0:21:11# All things wise and wonderful
0:21:11 > 0:21:17# The Lord God made them all. #
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Please, be seated.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25We all remember Shamus as a great man.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Kind, loving, above all generous.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31He wasn't generous when he marked my coursework down.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33There is someone here who knew him in a different way
0:21:33 > 0:21:36to the rest of us, and the family would like to invite him now
0:21:36 > 0:21:40to read a short but immensely uplifting passage from the book
0:21:40 > 0:21:43that Dr Rafferty was reading when he died.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Oh, shit.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57"Clouds of acrid smoke that smelled of burning human flesh
0:21:57 > 0:22:00"rose above the Khmer Rouge labour camps,
0:22:00 > 0:22:03"sometimes forming a poisonous rain which covered the starving workers
0:22:03 > 0:22:06"and the remains of their families.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10"Over three million Cambodians were tortured and executed.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12"The mass graves were over filled,
0:22:12 > 0:22:15"mutilated limbs protruded from the soil,
0:22:15 > 0:22:19"causing diseases such as typhoid, cholera and plague.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21"In the north there were reports
0:22:21 > 0:22:25"that some soldiers raped the corpses." Thank you.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- Thank you. - Thank you.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29OK, let's go.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33So perhaps now it's time for the Quaker tradition of open worship.
0:22:33 > 0:22:38If you feel moved to share thoughts of the deceased, please stand,
0:22:38 > 0:22:40just say whatever you feel needs to be said.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44I'll always remember his Christmas cards.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49And the little lines of poetry he chose for everyone.
0:22:49 > 0:22:54I'll remember that open box of Maltesers he always had on his desk.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Such a kind man.
0:22:57 > 0:23:03Yes, I would just like to say that my uncle was a good man,
0:23:03 > 0:23:07and a forgiving man, so if there is a person here today who sneaked in
0:23:07 > 0:23:13under false pretences in order, perhaps, to steal from a dead man,
0:23:13 > 0:23:18then I hope we can all follow my uncle's footsteps and forgive him.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20And hope he can forgive himself, frankly.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Please don't.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28I would like to second what Sandra said.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32But add that Dr Rafferty would never judge until he knew the full picture,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35who thought what, who said what,
0:23:35 > 0:23:37who OWNED what.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Just in case he were to make a bit of a tit of himself.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49My uncle had a great sense of justice,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52and if he did do wrong, he didn't try and worm his way out of it.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57Oh, yes, but if he was wrongly accused I think he would've had
0:23:57 > 0:24:01the admirable sense to defend himself, for does the Bible not say,
0:24:01 > 0:24:06"Call not someone a thief who has a valid receipt at home"?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Blasphemy!
0:24:08 > 0:24:12I remember Shamus taking me on holiday one summer to Cornwall.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15What's that in your jacket? A book?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Oh, come on, now, what is this?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Sandra, I'm not entirely sure this is the right time...
0:24:19 > 0:24:23That book is Edmund Burke's Vindication Of Natural Society
0:24:23 > 0:24:24and he stole it out of my bag.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27I think there's been a misunderstanding.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32This is my book. I lent it to Rafferty
0:24:32 > 0:24:35and he didn't give it back because he was jealous that I bought it first.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39- He's lying! - It is, and it cost me £1,000.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42£1,000? Ken!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I want you and all your wretched family out.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Guys, this is not what daddy Rafferty would've wanted.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Please calm down and listen to Shamus' lover.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Erm, I was Shamus' lover.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Then who's this?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I think there's been another misunderstanding.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09What's wrong with you people?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Sandra, how about we go and scatter the ashes in the rose garden?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17I know how this all looks. But my family are not bad people.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Yes, such a lovely man...
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Chastity!
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Mum, I...
0:25:34 > 0:25:35CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Best funeral ever.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Much better than Granny's.