0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language
0:00:09 > 0:00:11(Ken. Ken!)
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Chilli sauce here, all the salad, all the salad.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17(Do something. Someone's trying to break in!
0:00:17 > 0:00:19(I definitely heard a noise.)
0:00:19 > 0:00:21(Probably foxes in the bins. It sounds fine now.)
0:00:21 > 0:00:22ENGINE STARTS
0:00:22 > 0:00:24- (That's the van.) - (I'm calling the police.)
0:00:24 > 0:00:27They'll be gone by then! Do something. Here.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29- Lorna, it's not Tom and Jerry! - Go on.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32No! This is why our taxes pay for a police force,
0:00:32 > 0:00:34and, Dale, what the fuck are you doing?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37It's my war paint, Chief Ken. I'm going in to battle.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Go on, Dale, go get 'em.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Do you have another plant, Lorna? This soil's gone.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- Try the PC in the kitchen. - Lorna, do not encourage him.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Confronting an intruder is extremely dangerous.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Also, Dale, you look borderline racist.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50They're getting away. Do something!
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Give me that. Are you with me, Chief Ken?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Dale, for Christ's sake, do not go out there.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Aarrgh!
0:00:57 > 0:01:01E-T PHONE HOME, E-T PHONE HOME! Ra-a-a-ar!
0:01:10 > 0:01:13It's got a wing mirror missing and there's a dent in the bumper.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17- And how does that make you feel? - How does that make me feel?
0:01:17 > 0:01:21Well, victims of crime can often be overwhelmed by their emotions.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Right. OK, well, I'm a little bit annoyed, obviously.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Mm, course you are. I imagine you're also feeling
0:01:26 > 0:01:28frustrated, powerless, scared...
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Irritated, increasingly irritated.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Exactly, that's why we have these victim-support leaflets.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36"Are you OK?"
0:01:36 > 0:01:39It's excellent, written by a bloke who used to work on Poirot, so...
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- Great(!)- Chief Ken, where do you want the hole?
0:01:41 > 0:01:42What hole?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45The hole of shame for when we catch these punks and bury them.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47OK, Dale, there's such a thing as the rule of law,
0:01:47 > 0:01:50and what it says is you can't go around burying people in holes.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Well, actually, this...this kind of reaction's very common,
0:01:53 > 0:01:55which is why we like to spend time with the victims
0:01:55 > 0:01:57and reassure them that they're being protected.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Is that a night stick?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Yeah. Well, actually, it's a standard-issue telescopic baton.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- Can I hold it?- Erm, no,
0:02:03 > 0:02:06because I imagine the officer needs to get on with his job, don't you?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Oh, no, no, erm, go for it, this is very fun, actually.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13STICK WHOOSHES
0:02:13 > 0:02:15How do you get it to make that noise?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18You've got to have soft hands and strong wrists.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Oh, wow.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Great.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Do you know, if you could spare a few moments after this, I'd love
0:02:24 > 0:02:27you to investigate the crime that's been committed on my property.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- Oh, that was a massive one.- Ah...
0:02:29 > 0:02:32The one that went round your waist. That is incredible.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42KNOCKING
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Dylan, love, are you awake?
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Er, no, don't come in.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Sorry, love, were you, er, fiddling?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Mum, I've told you, I don't wank, I have never wanked.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Oh, that's lovely. Anyway, I need to tell you something.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Last night, some very bad men tried to burgle us.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Oh, shit. That's terrible news.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12Oh, look at you - you're really upset about it. And scared.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Yeah, I know, I'm...I'm really shook up.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Can I have 20 quid?
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Of course you can.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23You may feel safer in your home by joining a community
0:03:23 > 0:03:26protection scheme such as Neighbourhood Watch.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Well, you know who runs our Neighbourhood Watch scheme -
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Steve Chance, so no.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Well, I'd still feel better if we did join.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35I mean, what if Dale hadn't been there to protect us last night?
0:03:35 > 0:03:36I was on top of the situation, thank you.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Of course you were, it just seemed like you were frozen with fear.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- Oh, Mum, don't be so mean. - Thanks, Rach.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Dad's getting on now, he's not a young man anymore.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46And with that bad back, at times he's practically disabled.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49And his diet's terrible. Imagine what his heart's like.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Not good for someone pushing 50.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54I'm 48. And, Ben, do you have to keep doing that?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Do you know what I want to talk about? Mr Chocolate.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59He was the guard dog on our ashram.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03He would fetch sticks and go for walks, and in the springtime
0:04:03 > 0:04:05he would eat the baby monkeys when they fell from the trees.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09As time went on, he got old and confused,
0:04:09 > 0:04:13and one day he messed himself in Vashredi's tent.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I'm sorry, how is this relevant?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Because I put him down that day, Chief Ken.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20In the most humane way possible, I just - I snapped his neck
0:04:20 > 0:04:24across my knee, but I can still his face looking up at me.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28That sad, tired, old face.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30I don't want that to happen to you, Ken.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33That is a fairly specific set of events.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37And, if I were a monkey-gobbling dog that shat in a tent,
0:04:37 > 0:04:38I might be worried, Dale.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41It's OK, Chief Ken, I got this.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45With you incapacitated by age, I will protect your family.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Well, that's very sweet of you, Dale, but worry not, I'm in my PRIMATE.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Hey, Zoe, wait up.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Zoe, look, about last night, I'm really sorry.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I did try to take the van, but then I crashed it
0:05:01 > 0:05:03and woke everyone up, so I had to spend the night in the shed.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- Whatever.- Look, I know you're pissed off cos we didn't go to the club
0:05:06 > 0:05:10last night, but I actually risked my life trying to come pick you up.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Oh, I went, just not with you.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14All right, babe? Wicked night last night.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15You went with that dickhead?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17At least Neil's got a proper car. With doors on it.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Four doors, Thompson. One for each of your...
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- ..vaginas.- And that's the best you can do, is it?
0:05:25 > 0:05:30- That I've got four vaginas? - Yeah. Deal with it, you quadro-vag.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Brilliant. Zoe, come on, let's just talk, please.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Quadro-vag?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Jesus Christ.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48SHOUTING
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Oh, uh. Uh-huh! I got him. I got him.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- Captured this man on your behalf. - What's going on?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- Dale's caught a burglar. - I'm not a burglar, I'm Ben.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- Dale, are you mental? - I was going to the toilet.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Oh, Ben.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- Ow. Ow.- Right.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09I apologise, Ben. I will be cutting off my thumb
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- and giving it to you first thing in the morning.- Oh, no harm done.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Usually a bit of rough-and-tumble gives me a nose bleed, actually.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17But I am dry as a bone.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I was sleeping in the hallway and I just...just kind of grabbed out.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Why were you sleeping in the hallway?
0:06:23 > 0:06:24It's the centre of the house, Ken -
0:06:24 > 0:06:27it means I can get to trouble spots quicker. I know you'd take care
0:06:27 > 0:06:30of that normally, but obviously you can't these days.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I suggest we all go back to bed.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34We are perfectly safe in this house.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37If it makes you feel any better, I'll take some measures.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39What kind of measures, Ken?
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Important ones.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Thanks again for this, love.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51If surrendering another night of my life to Steve Chance makes
0:06:51 > 0:06:53you feel safe, then so be it.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Steve could be very helpful. He's a black belt in judo.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59He rolls around on crash mats giving headlocks to young teens, Lorn -
0:06:59 > 0:07:00it's hardly Enter The Dragon.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Chief Ken, remember,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04if you feel confused, or even scared, let me know
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- and I'll take you straight home. - Thanks, Dale.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Hey, Mum, by the way, for me,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10the most important thing is that you feel safe.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Oh, bless.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13By the way, Zoe's definitely going to be here, right?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15It's just she's not returning my calls.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- Oh, I forgot to ask. - For fuck's sake, Mum.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Ken, come here, you.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27It's OK. Sh. It's not your fault. Mm?
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Come on.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Don't worry, mate, no-one's judging you.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Why would anyone be judging me?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Well, let's just say if somebody tried to steal my car
0:07:37 > 0:07:39they'd be pissing through a tube right now.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Steve, you weren't there.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43That is why I'm not judging you.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Or at least trying not to.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Ken, hello, stranger!
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Nina, wow.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56God, it's always such a pleasure to see you,
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- I didn't know you came to this. - Oh, well, you know me,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01just a concerned local resident like you, Ken!
0:08:01 > 0:08:03THEY LAUGH
0:08:03 > 0:08:04- Oh, it's been a while.- Yeah.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08And, look, once again, I'm so sorry about, you know,
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- the bleurgh, sick.- Oh, it's OK.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Gosh, don't be silly. That was ages ago.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Really? So embarrassing.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Oh, Ken, you are forgiven, you are forgiven.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Hello, mate, I'm Ken.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22I know who you are.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Oh, have we met before?
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Yeah we met in the magistrates' court. You're a solicitor.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32Oh, the custody hearing. Hope I didn't say anything too bad.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34You said my failings as a husband were matched
0:08:34 > 0:08:36only by my failings as a father.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Well, I mean, to be fair, I was just doing my job.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42What, lying?
0:08:42 > 0:08:43NERVOUS LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Oh, but that's all water under the bridge now.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Exactly, water under the bridge, like with me and Nina, yeah?
0:08:49 > 0:08:50We're friends now,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53but a couple of years ago, I was sick all over her...
0:08:53 > 0:08:55..her breasts.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Yeah, I remember. I spent the whole weekend cleaning the car.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02So...yeah.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Well...
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Come on. Here you are.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14It's terrible what happened, you must've been scared witless.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18I still am. Poor little Dyly, he's very shaken up.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Surprising about Ken, though.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22You would've thought a big, strapping fellow like that
0:09:22 > 0:09:23would've scared them off.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Yes, Steve, come on.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Oh, God, look at him.
0:09:30 > 0:09:35Oh, Steve's in his element at these meetings. Takes charge.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Hi, excuse me, Mrs Chance, sorry to interrupt. Any idea where Zoe is?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Yes, she's gone out with her boyfriend.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Yeah, that's not possible. I'm her boyfriend.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Clearly not. Zoe's moved on.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Can I suggest you do the same?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Can I suggest you go and do a shit with your clothes on?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55He's very shaken up.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Out you pop, and no peeping.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Where are we?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02You'll see. Right, ready?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04And tada!
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- Oh, what's this?- Our new house.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Well, it's not specifically our one, it's the show home, but the great
0:10:12 > 0:10:15thing about this estate is that every house is exactly the same.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17How cool is that?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Oh, it's brilliant.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Things are getting pretty fucking ugly on the streets of Lichfield.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32A few nights ago, our newest member, Ken Thompson,
0:10:32 > 0:10:36had his driveway and his dignity utterly violated.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37OK, can I actually explain...?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40So the question I want to ask is this -
0:10:40 > 0:10:45if your house gets broken into by a drug-crazed maniac with a knife -
0:10:45 > 0:10:47or, God forbid, two knives - what do you do?
0:10:47 > 0:10:48- You call the police.- No.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55The only thing that you can do is learn to defend yourself.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Pepe, get up here. You're the criminal.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02What is the first rule of self-defence?
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Aagh! Aagh.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09- Surprise.- Aagh!
0:11:09 > 0:11:10It's surprise.
0:11:10 > 0:11:15I surprised Pepe, and now I'm free to punish him for any crimes
0:11:15 > 0:11:17he was contemplating against me.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Like so. Take that, you wife-thieving...
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Let him go, Steve. They get so competitive.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30- Ugh.- Ken. Up on your feet.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32What?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Come on, Ken, get in to it.- No!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37No, Chief Ken is too old and tired for physical exertion.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I volunteer myself to take his place.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Look, I just think we should be talking about security lights
0:11:43 > 0:11:47and deadlocks, or a rota to look after each other's houses.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- Where do you want me, Steve? - Front and centre.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Dale, I think it's only fair that I should warn you
0:11:54 > 0:11:58that I have developed my own style of martial arts -
0:11:58 > 0:12:00it's a mixture between karate and rugby league.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Oss.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Oss.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Fucking hell.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Now, I see you've had some kind of basic training.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35But, as I mentioned before, surprise...
0:12:35 > 0:12:37That's clumsy.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40But...but effective. Let go. Let go.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Yeah, but...what would happen...
0:12:47 > 0:12:49..if I pinned you in a death hold?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Oo-argh! Uh...
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Aagh.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Oss.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08No, you've got that all wrong. See, what you should've done...
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Grab me from behind and I'll show you what you should've done.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Oh, fucking hell!
0:13:13 > 0:13:18Now, er, the key to shaking him off really is just...
0:13:18 > 0:13:22It's quite simple, you just use his own strength against him,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24see, like so.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Oh...
0:13:26 > 0:13:29OK, I think that what Steve is showing us here is that
0:13:29 > 0:13:32getting violent with a burglar is only going to make things worse.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34There's a tree in the garden, Ken - why don't you go and hug it?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Carry on Dale, hard as you like.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Affirmative.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Erm, should he be that colour?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Yes, he should.- I, er, I'm... I'm going to go for a smoke.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- Aah.- I really think you should let him go.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Oh, shut up, Nina. Steve's always got something up his sleeve.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Aargh. Argh.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52CLICKING
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Yeah, I got out of that, sucker.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02So, er, car's gone.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Someone's nicked our bloody car!
0:14:06 > 0:14:11So the second rule, really, of self-defence is...
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Oss.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Oh, it was parked right there!
0:14:18 > 0:14:19What sort of car was it?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22It's a red BMW with a Liberal Democrat sticker.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Ha-ha - they'll be ragging the arse out of that!
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Dylan.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Right, OK, well, I'm going to go home and wait for the police,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- so if you see anything, will you keep in touch?- Nina!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36What? They've already rung the police!
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Oh, right, so we're just going to sit back and do nothing, are we?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- Yes.- Again?
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Yes.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44All right, people? Listen up.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48We're going to split into two teams to scour the area for the car.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Thank you, Steve.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Lorna. Team one.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Maybe you should get your shoulder seen to.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59Seen to it myself, Ken. It's dislocated. That's all.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Team one - me, Ken, Dale.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04No, I should protect the women and children.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Fuck off!
0:15:06 > 0:15:09OK, team one - me, Ken and...
0:15:12 > 0:15:14..Pepe.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Team two - Lorna, Dylan, Connie, Dale.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21OK, listen, maybe we should have a quick look for the car,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24but we are not getting into any death-wish vigilante stuff, Steve.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28Oh! Right, let's fucking do this.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34And this is bedroom three,
0:15:34 > 0:15:36although of course it doesn't have to be a bedroom -
0:15:36 > 0:15:41could be anything, a study, a snooker room, a nursery.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Come on, blue-sky thinking - what else could this room be?
0:15:45 > 0:15:46A bedroom?
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Anything at all.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- A bedroom. - Let your imagination run wild.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Bloody hell, Ben, it's a bedroom!
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Hey, come on, this is supposed to be fun.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Yeah, well, it's really not my idea of fun.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01What's not fun about a three-bed semi with a south-facing car port?
0:16:02 > 0:16:06I don't think I want to live here. It's really bland.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Bland? Bland?!
0:16:12 > 0:16:15This place is everything we've ever wanted, isn't it?
0:16:15 > 0:16:19If you don't want this, then what do you want?
0:16:19 > 0:16:20I don't know.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28Is it the house you don't like? Or something else?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Can we just go for a drink somewhere and have a bit of a chat?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Rach, I know I'm not Cuckoo.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35I know I'll always be your second choice.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- No, it's not like that. - Yes, it's exactly like that.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Cuckoo will always be your number one.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42He's Andy Murray and I'm Jamie Murray.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46But you know what, Jamie Murray is a bloody good doubles player.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48I think I need to be on my own for a bit.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Rach, please, don't go. I'm not letting you go.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Shouldn't we be driving around instead of just sitting in your car?
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Oh, shut up, you fool.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05That road is the main artery to the council estate.
0:17:05 > 0:17:10The dragon's lair. Pass me those painkillers, would you?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Get 'em yourself.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I can't - my shoulder's pressed against the door.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16If I move, it'll pop out.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19Here.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Should've let me perform the vasectomy.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Maybe they cut something they shouldn't have.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Maybe you're not producing testosterone any more.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41I mean, medically speaking, you could be a eunuch.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Hi, Zoe, so, erm, yeah, I'm at this amazing party,
0:17:47 > 0:17:51and, erm, there's this girl who's, like, all over me.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Erm, so, yeah, I was just checking if we're still exclusive?
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Call me.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Jesus Christ, Dale, what are you doing?
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Protecting you.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05There's something so attractive about men who can protect you.
0:18:05 > 0:18:11Now, don't get me wrong, I love Pepe. He's perceptive, vivacious,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13with a wonderfully offbeat sense of humour.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Pepe - is he?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17I remember once at Center Parcs a horse trod on my foot
0:18:17 > 0:18:19and wouldn't get off.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Steve kept punching it in the face until it moved.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25You don't forget loyalty like that in a man.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Which Center Parcs was it?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38There's a storm coming.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Yeah. Looks like it's going to rain.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45No, I mean between you and Lorna.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Cos if the worst has happened and you have been castrated...
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I have not been castrated!
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Let me have a look.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56There's the car!
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Ah!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05PHONE RINGS
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Zoe.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08No, it's Ben. Can I speak to Dale, please?
0:19:08 > 0:19:09It's Ben. Don't be long.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Hello.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Hi. Have you seen Rachel?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Isn't she with you?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18We had a few cross words. She said some very naive things
0:19:18 > 0:19:20about new-build properties and then walked out.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Now her phone's off and I don't know where she's gone.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Are you saying you've lost my mom?
0:19:25 > 0:19:26PHONE RINGS
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- Hello. - Lorn, Lorn, we've found the car!
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- Hi, Lorna.- We're on our way.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32They've found the car!
0:19:32 > 0:19:36I gotta find Mom. Dylan, take care of the womenfolk.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39OK, buckle up. Here we go.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Mum, there's literally about three foot there - are you an idiot?!
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Mom!
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Quick, we're heading into the industrial estate.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Argh! Argh! Argh! My shoulder's popped out. Grab the wheel.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22- Steve!- The wheel. Argh!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Argh! Argh!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Ow, ah!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35When did you pass your test?
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Steve, focus, watch the road! What the fuck are you doing?
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Just drive!
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- Argh!- Argh!
0:20:46 > 0:20:51- Oh, God!- Ow. Oh!
0:20:51 > 0:20:57- Steve!- You're on full-beam - dip the lights.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Mom! Mom, where are you?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Mom! Mom!
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Are you OK?
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Yeah, I think so.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Let's get you home.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Ow! I think it's my ankle.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28OK. Come here.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Right, well, we know where he lives - we can call the police.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50No, Ken. This one is personal.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Is that pepper spray?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Yeah, I got it for Connie for her birthday. She's never used it.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Fucking typical.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03You stay here - leave this to real men.
0:22:06 > 0:22:11Oi, you! You, stay where you are!
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Let me in. Open the door, let me in.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Ah.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Keep back, keep back.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Fucking hell! Justice!
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Yes! Yes! Hold still, it's over. It's over.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Whoa, what the bloody hell are you doing?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Get off, get off my son!
0:22:30 > 0:22:31He attacked me!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33It was a mistake! I thought you were stealing the car.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36He texted me to say he was borrowing it,
0:22:36 > 0:22:37and I left my phone in the house!
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Well, you could've let us know! We've been looking all night!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Whoa, we don't need a lecture from you, sweetheart.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45You so sure about that?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Because we were the victims of crime ourselves the other night,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50when some yobbos took Dale's van.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53So if we want our streets to be safe, well,
0:22:53 > 0:22:58it's time parents started taking responsibility for their children.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02It was Dylan that crashed your car. He was going to a club.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05You!
0:23:05 > 0:23:08No, you. You pompous sod.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Look at ya, looking down your nose, at us!
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Telling us how to live our lives!
0:23:14 > 0:23:15When you haven't got a bloody clue!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Oh, jog on, Terry.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Jog on? Don't tell me to jog on, you lanky twat!
0:23:31 > 0:23:33You!
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Oh. Oh!
0:23:45 > 0:23:46Is that too tight?
0:23:46 > 0:23:47No, it's good, thanks.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48OK.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53This is like when we first met.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Except it's... it's you that's hurt, not me.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57And it's your foot, not my arm.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Yeah!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01OK.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05I know it's crazy, but when I first saw you, before I knew you
0:24:05 > 0:24:08were my mom, I, er,
0:24:08 > 0:24:10I thought you were...
0:24:10 > 0:24:13And then we got talking and...
0:24:16 > 0:24:19I wish we never found out.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Hang on. No, stop - we can't.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43I chatted with the lady and explained how victims of crime
0:24:43 > 0:24:47like yourself can often be in a heightened state and completely
0:24:47 > 0:24:50lose all sense of proportion. She's not pressing charges.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Lucky you, eh?
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Thank God!
0:24:53 > 0:24:55All right there, Rocky?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57I've never seen that side of you before, Ken.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59You were like a rampaging stallion.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- I did just punch a woman, Lorn.- Yeah.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Mom?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Will you stop calling me that?