0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07- There's something we said we'd do.- What did I promise?
0:00:07 > 0:00:08- To get a vasectomy.- What?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Did you go through with it, or were you a chicken?
0:00:10 > 0:00:13- Why wouldn't I go through with it? - Hah! So now you're a eunuch?!
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Bloody hell!
0:00:15 > 0:00:16Oh, what a tangled web we weave,
0:00:16 > 0:00:19when first we lie about having a vasectomy.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Steve still gets jealous about my having a Latin stallion of a lover.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Isn't that right, Pepe?
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Yes, I'm fine with Pepe and Connie sharing the master bedroom.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29I mean, people have sex. Get over it.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32I don't think I'd want to live here.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Is it the house you don't like, or...
0:00:34 > 0:00:37..something else?
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Mom!
0:00:39 > 0:00:41CAR TOOTS
0:00:41 > 0:00:43When I first saw you, I thought you were...
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Well, I wish we'd never found out.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10"Dear Dave and Pree. Haven't seen you this year.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13"Don't want to see you next year. "Why am I doing this?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15"Please kill me. Lots of love, Ken."
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Er..? Sorry, Ken and Lorna.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18I gave you the option.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20You could have watched the film.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Love, Actually?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24I'd rather lick the turkey's arse till it cooked by friction.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Hey, Lorna.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29You been on the roof again?
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Yeah.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Everything all right?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Yeah.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Erm...
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Well, I'm going to go for a run.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46He's down in the dumps lately, isn't he?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49What do you reckon, Rache?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- Maybe he's in love.- Why should he be, he hasn't done anything wrong?!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54I mean, I haven't done anything wrong.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I mean... Oh. What was question?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58I was just wondering who the lucky girl was.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03First love at Christmas.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04How romantic, eh?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Oh, I love Christmas.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I love the songs and the lights...
0:02:13 > 0:02:16And the way you can spell it two ways.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- Give it a rest, Lorna. - I can't help it, Con.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I'm just feeling so Christmassy.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Or X-massy!
0:02:21 > 0:02:23SHE LAUGHS
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Christmas'll be a challenge with Steve AND Pepe living in the house.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Fighting over who gets to stuff the turkey.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Yes, how DO you ration that out?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Oh. You mean ACTUALLY stuffs the turkey?
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Yes.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Frankly, Lorne,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I'm at my wit's end.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Steve's been so distant lately.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47I feel like I'm sinking fast.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Oh, Con, carols!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53# Ding-dong merrily the sky
0:02:53 > 0:02:56# Is riv'n with angels singing
0:02:56 > 0:02:58# Glooooorrr...
0:02:58 > 0:03:00SHE SINGS ALONG, BADLY
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Oh, Con, this is an absolute classic!
0:03:03 > 0:03:06# ..ria, Hosanna in excelsis!
0:03:06 > 0:03:10# Gloooorrrr...
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Get me a towel.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I need a damp towel to revive her.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22# O, come all ye faithful... #
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Mrs Thompson? Lorna?
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Are you feeling any better?
0:03:25 > 0:03:29- You fainted. - Fainted? What?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Would you mind me asking - are you pregnant?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34No! No. My husband's had the snip.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36OK, sure.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Only, as a midwife, I can usually tell.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Glad to be of help.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Gabriel.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Oh! That's a nice Christmassy name.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Lorna.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Take care.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Oh. He was nice!
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Dead wrong about the pregnancy, though.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Unless it's a virgin birth!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55# O come let us adore him
0:03:57 > 0:03:59# Christ the Lord #
0:03:59 > 0:04:00KNOCKING
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Ken, just thought I'd pop in for a Christmas visit.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Nina! Wow!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I am surprised to see you.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I'm still so sorry about the...
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- The punch in the face? - Yeah, and before that, the...
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- Puking all over me? - Yes, the puking.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Ken, that's forgotten!
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Forgotten, because, after all, this is the season of forgiveness.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- Yes. - And also presents
0:04:21 > 0:04:23and food...
0:04:23 > 0:04:25and mistletoe.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29So, the community Christmas show is on Christmas Eve
0:04:29 > 0:04:32and it's for the school kids and amateur groups to give something back.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34But why am I telling you about this? You know!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Because Dylan's performing in it.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- Is he?- Yes! - Well...
0:04:39 > 0:04:44Anyway, I am organising it this year and I have had a theatrical brainwave.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Right.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Ken, I would be so, so, so grateful,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52if you would commit to playing the role of...
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- Hamlet!- No...
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Stanley Kowalski?
0:04:56 > 0:04:57- No!- Then it must be...
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Father Christmas.- Father Christmas.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02No. Nina, who put you up to this?
0:05:02 > 0:05:03They ask me every year.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06But it's the role you were born to play!
0:05:06 > 0:05:08You know, with your...stature.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- LAUGHS NERVOUSLY - Oh.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13You might as well get something back from all those big lunches.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Oh, come on, Ken. It's Christmas.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Yes! It's Christmas, get over it, Nina.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18So that's a...
0:05:18 > 0:05:20It's a no!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22No, no, Nina.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Nina, no, no.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26OK, I'm hearing a maybe.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29And I'm counting on you going away and thinking about it
0:05:29 > 0:05:31and coming back to me with a "Yes!"
0:05:31 > 0:05:32- No!- Merry Christmas.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Merry No-mas.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35(Yes...!)
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Hey, Mom.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Rache, are these your pregnancy tests?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Yeah, from when I was trying with Cuckoo.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Just chuck 'em.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Bit of fun.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57What the...
0:06:00 > 0:06:02What's this?
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Erm...
0:06:03 > 0:06:05It's for you.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Topiary.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Wicked!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10So do I need to put it in water, or...?
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Mmm.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15What the hell is that in my room?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18How am I supposed to explain that to people?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21What's to explain? I love you, you love me, we had amazing sex.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22I'm not ashamed, Mom.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Dale, I shouldn't have done what I did.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26We agreed to forget about it.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Forget that? That's impossible!
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I never knew my twang stick could do all that cool stuff.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32I'm not his mum, OK?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34You have to stop this, it's weird.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37What? So the father I never knew, also happens to be your dead husband?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39It's not THAT weird.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40It's massively weird.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42It stops here, OK?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45What if we're meant to be together?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47What if you're my one?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51That's my mom.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00(I do REALLY love Christmas.)
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Bloody Nina has been texting all day asking me to reconsider.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I'm a solicitor, Lorne. I have professional dignity.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Maybe it is nice that people want you to play Santa.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- It means they see you as a jolly sort of a person.- Oh, do they(?)
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Yeah, you're right. Probably because of your belly.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19DOOR CLOSES
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Ahhh...!
0:07:20 > 0:07:22The mystery man returns.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25What's this I've heard about you performing in a Christmas show?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Yeah. I might be doing a song, or something.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- HE LAUGHS LOUDLY - You're singing?! Oh, fantastic.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Where's this come from, Dyl?
0:07:33 > 0:07:34I don't know, Mum. I don't know.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36So can you stop with all the questions?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Come on, Dyl. Tell your mum.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Yeah, come on, spill Dyl. We won't laugh at you.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42All right, well, Zoe said she'd only get back with me
0:07:42 > 0:07:45if I sang some stupid song at the stupid show.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46What?! Why would she do that?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49May be because she's trying to control me like women do?
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Dylan.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Zoe does seem a tad manipulative.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Yeah, what can I do, Mum?!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57I love the bitch.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02HE SIGHS HEAVILY
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Jesus Christ, Dale!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- What are you doing in my room, you freak!- Contemplating.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I think maybe I'm in love.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Ohhhh...!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13I just can't seem to get this girl out of my head.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- We intercoursed, Dylan. - Nice!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20In the cult we were taught the first person we intercoursed with
0:08:20 > 0:08:21would be our alien bride.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24And we'd intercourse with her, and only her, for ever.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26That's pretty stupid.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Mind you, first girl that I did it with
0:08:28 > 0:08:30was an escort that Dad paid for.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33No-one actually believes that story, Dylan.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Oh, Ken, some news.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49I've invited Connie and Steve to the Christmas balti.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51You've done what?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53The Christmas balti is my favourite family tradition.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Don't be stupid. Curry, two days before Christmas?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59It's not a curry, Lorne. It's a Birmingham balti.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01What is the difference?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03It's in a metal bowl.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Ken, can I have a word for a second?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13My God! Going to be a grandad?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- Have you spoken to Rachel about this?- No.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17I wanted to check in with you first.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19The plan was to propose in three months' time,
0:09:19 > 0:09:22when we exchanged on the new build.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23It's my mum's 60th that month,
0:09:23 > 0:09:27so I thought we'd roll both parties into one.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29If Rachel's pregnant, should I ask her now?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31It might be nice.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Then I'll do it!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35God, I feel so impetuous, when I hang out with you, Ken!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37And I know just the occasion.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I'll ask her at the Thompson family Christmas balti.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41(Oh, boy....)
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- Really?- It's perfect!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I always feel weirdly confident with the balti in me.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- Probably the beer. - Yeah, could be the beer.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Look, do you not think you should take her someone nice, on her own?
0:09:52 > 0:09:53I thought about this, Ken.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I know what people think of me -
0:09:55 > 0:09:58that I'm predictable, plodding, even boring.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Sure, I'm financially organised,
0:10:00 > 0:10:01and damn good at conveyancing,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04but I'm also a daredevil!
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Yes, you are.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Well, then, good luck.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Thanks.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Dad.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Think I've had a Dr King before.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24My husband, Dr King, is also a partner here,
0:10:24 > 0:10:26as is his father, Dr King.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Three Kings! Funny, eh?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Yes!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32FORCED LAUGH
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Well, there's definitely a baby, in fact, you're two months gone.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Two months? No, that's wrong, Doctor.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- My husband had a vasectomy four months ago.- Did he?
0:10:41 > 0:10:45- Well, that's interesting, isn't it? - So, how has this happened?
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Well, I mean, that's hard for me to say.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54Can you remember, perhaps, any encounter you may have had...?
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- What sort of encounter? - Perhaps an encounter with a man?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00And his penis?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- What?!- Have a think.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- Something may come back to you. - No, it won't.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Mrs Thompson, I believe you.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Did you just...?! - Mm, no.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Whatever you think you saw was your imagination.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- So, you going to sing for your dinner, bitch?- Don't call me that!
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Not in public.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- Here you are, love. - No, you enjoy yourself, I'll drive.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01That's not like you, you old soak!
0:12:01 > 0:12:04SHE LAUGHS
0:12:11 > 0:12:13HE BELCHES
0:12:14 > 0:12:16That's disgusting!
0:12:16 > 0:12:20- Oof! Wow, that even reached me. - Just going to go get some air.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- I know.- You know what?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I know you're going to need someone to look after you soon, Rachel.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36- Dale...- Rachel Thompson.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Until two months ago,
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I never considered that the female in my life might be a living,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44breathing woman, rather than a terrifying extraterrestrial.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- Dale, get up! People will see!- OK.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50I never planned on falling in love with my dad's widowed wife.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54But you don't love Ben! And one of us has to be there for you.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Come on through, let's go.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Rachel, I need you to choose between me and him.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Dale, please, stop.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Right now, right here.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05I'm not walking out of this room until you give me an answer, OK?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Two names, me or Ben, OK?
0:13:07 > 0:13:12- Ben or me, me or Ben.- OK.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Ben.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22Ben?!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25But you don't love him!
0:13:26 > 0:13:33- Don't you even like me?- Yes! Dale, I like you. But Ben's good and kind...
0:13:33 > 0:13:36and when I'm with him, it...
0:13:36 > 0:13:38basically never feels like incest.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Rachel...
0:13:44 > 0:13:45..you're my one.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47No.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I'm not, Dale.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54I'm not, I'm sorry.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57OK.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I need to go for a jog.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Connie, I can't think of any other explanation!
0:14:08 > 0:14:12Well, you have always really loved Christmas.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14But Ken's never going to believe me.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17It'll be just like it was when I saw that UFO.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Probably worse.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Oh, Con, it's so great to get it off my chest.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28- You know, to finally get a sense of perspective.- Yes.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33We must prepare for the coming of a Messiah.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42What's happened to Dale?
0:14:42 > 0:14:43I don't know.
0:14:47 > 0:14:53LOUD CLINKING
0:14:53 > 0:14:58Ladies and gents, on this day 20 years ago, I proposed to Connie.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00On this day, but in February.
0:15:00 > 0:15:05And we married and we were happy in that magical...angry way
0:15:05 > 0:15:07that young people are.
0:15:07 > 0:15:12A lot of water has passed under the bridge since.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15There's been affairs, on both sides.
0:15:15 > 0:15:21Connie's, you know about, mine were a bit more hush-hush,
0:15:21 > 0:15:23and with...models.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Anyway, the long and short of it is, I've had enough.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- Steve, don't leave me! - I've had enough, Connie.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34I demand to return to the master bedroom.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Pepe, you can still have the spare room, I mean, that's only fair.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Connie, you're my wife.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45- I want to be your main husband again.- Steve...- Hmm?
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- Yes! I say yes!- Come here.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54SHE SQUEALS
0:15:59 > 0:16:00I think they are waiting for us to clap.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02POLITE APPLAUSE
0:16:05 > 0:16:07SHE SIGHS HAPPILY
0:16:07 > 0:16:08And now, to prove my manhood, I'm going
0:16:08 > 0:16:11to order the hottest curry on the menu.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Amar!
0:16:13 > 0:16:14It's John.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16John.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Er, your hottest mushroom phal, please.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Had one of these on my wedding night. Almost hospitalised me.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Mr Chance, please be aware that since 20 years,
0:16:27 > 0:16:31the heat of the chillies available in this country has increased tenfold.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Yeah, all right, no need for the history lesson, John.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I can take it. I could take anything tonight.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Burning! My sides are burning like Mordor!
0:16:40 > 0:16:43STEVE GROANS
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Maybe it's better you missed your slot. Maybe do it quietly.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Screw that, Ken.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51I said my proposal would be brave and in public,
0:16:51 > 0:16:53and brave and in public it will be!
0:16:53 > 0:16:58Nina. She wants me to be Santa at the community Christmas performance.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02- Christmas show. That's public. - Oh, yeah, it's at the Town Hall.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Oh, Christ, no!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08You have to do this for me. Get me on that stage!
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Ben, if I do this,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12it will mean throwing away every bit of dignity I've gathered
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- over 25 years as a respected lawyer in this cathedral city.- Really?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19More than the time you were caught stealing at a funeral?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21It wasn't stealing! But, yes, more than that.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24What about the time you falsely accused our senior partner
0:17:24 > 0:17:26of masturbating to a sex tape of your daughter,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29but in fact he had Parkinson's?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Yes, Ben, that was undignified, but this is worse.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I don't think I can do this.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Didn't you also once turn up to a kids' party high on E?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Oh, fuck it, I'll do it.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- Thanks. Dad.- Yes, you've done that.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Hey, Pepe.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58HE SIGHS
0:18:00 > 0:18:05Pepe, what do you do when the girl you love can't love you back?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I mean, how can you carry on living around them
0:18:08 > 0:18:11when every moment cuts your heart like a tiny little knife?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16If you ask me, when it gets too complicated,
0:18:16 > 0:18:19best to fuck off out of there.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Good luck, son.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22I'm moving to Solihull.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- Ready for the show?- I am.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36So weird that Ken changed his mind about the Santa thing.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Yeah, isn't it?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- Where have you been all morning? - What, eh? What?
0:18:44 > 0:18:48- Well, if you must know, Rach, I went to church.- Church?!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- You don't believe in God.- Don't I?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I mean, science can't prove everything.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55There's more things in heaven
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- and earth that are dreamt of in your philosophy. Shakespeare.- Oh, right.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- Which play?- No idea. Heard it on Ghost Hunters.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07EXCITED CHATTER
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Come on out now, Ken, let's see you.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- SHE GASPS - Oh, great!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23And remember to slap your belly when you laugh. Ho-ho-ho!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- Ho-ho-ho. - Yeah, but slap your belly.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Hah, beautiful! Really got to use those natural assets.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32And I love your little Robin Hood friend, too.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I'm an elf!
0:19:34 > 0:19:38- How do I look?- Look, are you sure you want to go through with this?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41OK, message from front of stage, fanmail already!
0:19:43 > 0:19:48- DALE:- "Ken, by the time you read this, I will be gone.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51"I've lost the girl I love and can't bear to stay.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53"That's all you need to know.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"You will never know where I'm going, nor why."
0:19:56 > 0:20:02It's from Dale. He's leaving and he won't say where!
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Oh, stand down, he's written it
0:20:03 > 0:20:05on the back of his booking confirmation.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07The bellend's on the next train out of Lichfield!
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Ken, wait, I can't do this without you!
0:20:12 > 0:20:14BRAKES SCREECH
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Which way is the train to London?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23I can't let you through without a ticket.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I'm not travelling, it's... I've got to go and see my son...
0:20:26 > 0:20:30- Well, he's my step grandson.- It's Santa!- It's not, please. I'm not.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Santa! Santa! It's the real Santa!
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- Go away!- Hey, this isn't your patch.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39He shouldn't even be in the station!
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- Hey, big guy!- What? Piss off!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- THEY GASP - I'm not Santa.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47You heard him, mate. Jog on.
0:20:47 > 0:20:52- Please, I beg you!- You can't go through without a ticket!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Dale!
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Santa?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Ken?!
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Oof!
0:21:17 > 0:21:21- Oh, Steve, Con! Two tickets, please.- Hi, Lorn.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Sorry, we're all booked out tonight. No room at the inn!
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Oh, actually, you might be in luck,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31we do have a cancellation this afternoon.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35- Oh, that's great, thanks.- You can have Mrs Shepherd's tickets.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- Lorna, thank God! Where's Rachel? - She's on her way.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- Why are you dressed as a plant? - I'm an elf!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Ken has bailed, I need a Santa.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Did someone say Santa?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Anyone else?
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Lorna thought you'd probably met someone.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Do you want to talk about it?
0:21:53 > 0:21:54OK.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57But Dale, come on.
0:21:57 > 0:22:02So, a girl breaks your heart. Is it worth leaving your family for?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04It's worse than that, Ken.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Don't be silly.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09What can you have possibly done that your family can't help you out with?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11HE SIGHS
0:22:13 > 0:22:15I intercoursed with Rachel.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Ohh!
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Disg... That is disgusting!
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Oh, she's your... Well, she's not your mum, but...
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Come... Dale!
0:22:28 > 0:22:33Oh, no! Oh, sorry. That is yuck.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- I've totally fallen for her. - She's your dad's widow!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Oh, God.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42It's not yours, is it, the baby?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Maybe. But she says she wants to stay with Ben.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47That's why I've got to leave town.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49She doesn't love him.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53She's going to marry him and she doesn't love him.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I'm going to stop him proposing!
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- OK, the Town Hall.- No, Ken...
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Um...
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I'm sorry, Ken.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05I can't. It's too painful to be around Rachel right now.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09I guess one thing I've learned about love is,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12you can't change what's in your heart.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Oh, get over it, Dawson's Creek!
0:23:15 > 0:23:16CAR STARTS
0:23:17 > 0:23:19OK, Santa and Elf, two minutes!
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- Where's the Santa stuff? - Ken was wearing the Santa stuff!- Ohh!
0:23:23 > 0:23:30I'm just going to have to make do. Think Santa...and I can BE Santa.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35APPLAUSE
0:23:36 > 0:23:38And now, who's coming?
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Why, it's Santa and his special Christmas elf!
0:23:42 > 0:23:45APPLAUSE
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Hello, children.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Let's spend some quality time together.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00- What is he dressed as? - Some kind of glam rock Oompa-Loompa.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Who has been good and who has been bad?
0:24:03 > 0:24:07I hope you've all been good, because I've got presents for you all.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11And I've got announcements, like...
0:24:16 > 0:24:21Congratulations to little Eve Tully, it's her birthday today. Ho-ho-ho!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Ho-ho!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Come on, come on!
0:24:30 > 0:24:35And with that, I bid you a Santa-ish goodbye!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- Steve!- What?
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Oh, yeah.
0:24:38 > 0:24:44Wait, for my special Christmas elf also has something to say.
0:24:46 > 0:24:52I'm Ben, the Christmas elf, and this is my elf and safety announcement!
0:24:52 > 0:24:55It will mean a short break in the show,
0:24:55 > 0:24:57but hey, guys - don't be elfish!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01OK, you didn't like that.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05I might just skip the banter with Santa bit.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Why? Ohhh...
0:25:07 > 0:25:11I have a very special request for a really fantastic
0:25:11 > 0:25:12girl in the audience.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Rachel Thompson.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17TRUMPETER PLAYS FANFARE
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Rachel, I love you.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21- AUDIENCE:- Aww!
0:25:21 > 0:25:26Will you be mine, in sickness and in elf?
0:25:26 > 0:25:30TRUMPETER PLAYS FANFARE
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Yes!
0:25:39 > 0:25:41APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Sure, I'll marry you!
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Why not?
0:25:47 > 0:25:48Ben!
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Don't do it, she doesn't love you.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52- Ken!- Ken, she just said yes.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55What?! You said yes?
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Dad, what are you doing?!
0:25:56 > 0:26:01- You don't have to say yes, not if Ben isn't the guy for you.- Er...
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Not if you love someone else.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07What?
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Do you?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14I'm so sorry.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16AUDIENCE GASP
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- You've got nothing to be sorry for. - Ken, this is unhelpful.
0:26:19 > 0:26:24And I want you to know, if you don't marry him, we will stand by you.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25And the baby.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Ken, this is actually quite treacherous.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31What are you talking about? Baby? I'm not pregnant.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32- TOGETHER:- Aren't you?
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Ken, Rachel isn't pregnant.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I am.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40TRUMPETER PLAYS FANFARE
0:26:40 > 0:26:44I know you might say that can't be, but it's true.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46And you know I would never, ever cheat on you,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49and that means the only other option is...
0:26:49 > 0:26:53- I'm the new Virgin Mary! - Lorna is the new Virgin Mary.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains,
0:26:57 > 0:27:01however improbable, must be the truth. That's Ghost Hunters.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- Is this why you went to church this morning?- Ken, it's been awful!
0:27:04 > 0:27:07I took the test and then I checked it with the doctor
0:27:07 > 0:27:10and I thought you'd think that I'd been, you know...
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- I lied about the vasectomy. - Say what?!
0:27:12 > 0:27:17I did have it, but two months after I said I had it. I'm sorry, Lorn.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18You lied to me?!
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Actually, that is a massive relief!
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Oh, I am not the new Virgin Mary. Yes!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29False alarm, repeat, false alarm, no second coming.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- APPLAUSE - And, we're going to have a baby!
0:27:32 > 0:27:34APPLAUSE
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Oh, bollocks!
0:27:40 > 0:27:44And so, everybody is happy at Christmas, ha-ha-hah!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Well, I'm not.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Everybody except Ben is happy at Christmas.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52And now, to present our finale,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Dylan Thompson in A Perfect Christmas.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59APPLAUSE
0:28:08 > 0:28:11MIC FEEDS BACK
0:28:13 > 0:28:18# Hark, the Herald Angels sing
0:28:18 > 0:28:25# Glory to the newborn King. #
0:28:25 > 0:28:30BEATBOXING AND DOO-WOP BACKING VOCALS
0:28:30 > 0:28:34# Hark, the Herald Angels sing
0:28:34 > 0:28:38# Glory to the newborn King
0:28:38 > 0:28:42# Peace on Earth and mercy mild
0:28:42 > 0:28:46# God and sinners reconciled
0:28:46 > 0:28:50# Joyful all ye nations rise
0:28:50 > 0:28:54# Join the triumph of the skies
0:28:54 > 0:28:56# With angelic host proclaim... #
0:28:56 > 0:29:02- You're staying for Christmas. Christmas is for family.- You got it.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06# Hark, the Herald Angels sing
0:29:06 > 0:29:10# Glory to the newborn King... #
0:29:10 > 0:29:13DOO-WOP BACKING VOCALS
0:29:14 > 0:29:18# Christ by highest heaven adored
0:29:18 > 0:29:22# Christ the everlasting Lord
0:29:22 > 0:29:26# Late in time, behold him come
0:29:26 > 0:29:30# Offspring of a virgin's womb
0:29:30 > 0:29:34# Veiled in flesh the Godhead see
0:29:34 > 0:29:37# Hail the incarnate Deity
0:29:37 > 0:29:42# Pleased as man with man to dwell
0:29:42 > 0:29:46# Jesus, our Emmanuel
0:29:46 > 0:29:50# Hark, the Herald Angels sing
0:29:50 > 0:29:54# Glory to the newborn king. #
0:29:54 > 0:29:58APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:58 > 0:30:00I'm sorry, Dad.
0:30:00 > 0:30:04# I still had a lot of growing
0:30:04 > 0:30:08# When you took me and you shaped me with those hands
0:30:13 > 0:30:18# You know me better than myself
0:30:18 > 0:30:23# Make me better than I am
0:30:26 > 0:30:30# Oh, you know me well
0:30:30 > 0:30:35# You know me well, you know me well
0:30:35 > 0:30:41MOTOR STARTING
0:30:41 > 0:30:42Dale, wait!
0:30:42 > 0:30:47# You know me well... #
0:30:47 > 0:30:48Wait!
0:30:48 > 0:30:52# You know me well. #