0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Ooh, Dr Lucy Worsley! Ooh, interesting!
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Go away, David Starkey!
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Go away!
0:00:12 > 0:00:14You have no place here.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16BABY CRIES
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Ugh, you're joking.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33You jammy cow.
0:00:39 > 0:00:46Henry Tudor ascended to the throne, his Yorkish bride at his side.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50And that is Ken Thompson's world-famous history,
0:00:50 > 0:00:51The War Of The Roses.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Any comment from you?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Any insightful analysis? BABY CRIES
0:00:55 > 0:00:58No? Oh, God, here we go.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Why paternity leave? Why?!
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Oh!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Hello...
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Yes, I do deserve them.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Raaaarghh!!!
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Hi, Ben.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Sorry, today's going very slowly.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Still upset about Dale?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39You pined for him for ages, and then he came back,
0:01:39 > 0:01:41head over heels in love with someone else.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44I wasn't thinking about that, actually, but thanks for the reminder.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45No problemo!
0:01:45 > 0:01:48And, prepare for your day to be turned around -
0:01:48 > 0:01:52because someone is getting a promotion.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- It's you!- A promotion?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56But, Ben, I never applied for anything!
0:01:56 > 0:01:59OK, so, Cathy is retiring as office manager,
0:01:59 > 0:02:03and Jane wanted a settled, mother-hen-type figure for the office.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05I looked her straight in the eyes and I said,
0:02:05 > 0:02:08"Rachel. The mother-hen you want is Rachel."
0:02:08 > 0:02:10OK, Ben, I didn't ask...
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Almost 8k more, and there's a guaranteed 12-month
0:02:13 > 0:02:17full maternity cover, should you ever, you know, want to settle down.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19With someone.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21So, what do you think?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- RACHEL SOBS - Rachel, please, please stop crying!
0:02:24 > 0:02:25It's unfathomable!
0:02:25 > 0:02:27I'm interesting, Ben!
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I've seen the world!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I've read Paulo Coelho!
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I do not want to be an office manager!
0:02:34 > 0:02:38But you're an office assistant. It's the way the world works.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42I'd imagine that Paulo Coelho was an assistant...
0:02:42 > 0:02:44inspirational novelist!
0:02:44 > 0:02:48But what if I need more with my life, Ben?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Are we talking a sideways move into HR?
0:02:51 > 0:02:52No!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56No, but don't dismiss it out of hand,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58it's got great career progression!
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Dale?
0:03:08 > 0:03:13When you were a businessman, what area were you in, exactly?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Well, my boss, Mr Z, insisted on secrecy in all his dealings.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18A little quirk of his!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21But I was across a few areas.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Client facing, results oriented.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Sorry if I'm bamboozling you with all this jargon!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Well, I must say, it all sounds very impressive.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- Hey, guys.- Oh, Mom, you're home!
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- How was your day?- Yeah, fine.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34I hope you're hungry.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37It's di shui dong ribs with braised eggplant.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- Oh, sounds tasty. - Always Ling's favourite.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Yeah, I'll probably just have it in my room.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Something's up with Mom.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52I mean, ever since I got back from China,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54she seems to be acting really cold towards me.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Well...
0:03:56 > 0:03:59It can be hard, can't it?
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Getting reacquainted with people you've had a thing with?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Oh, well, yes, but not in this instance.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08You see, before I went away, Rachel told me
0:04:08 > 0:04:10it was wrong that I was in love with her.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13So now I've found love with Ling - who is amazing, by the way -
0:04:13 > 0:04:17my friendship with Rachel should be blossoming as never before.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Hello, my family.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Oh, someone's had a nice day. Sid on good form?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Sidney was his usual truculent self.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27But Daddy has found something to put a spring in his step.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Really? What's that?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Ooh!
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Tasty!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Ruby red and bright as a button,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39a colourful trouser for a happy fellow.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Who is this jaunty gentleman,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44peacocking his way around the Lichfield scene?
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Why, it is I, Kenneth!
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- You're having a mid-life crisis. - Oh, shut up.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53Feast your eyes on the rich and velvety material.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Wow, are those traditional costume, Ken?
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Yes, Dale, as traditionally worn by Laurence Llewelyn Bowen!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- I'm a shining star of manhood. - I'll burn them.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03You'll have to burn my legs, then, cos they're not coming off.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Ha-ha, you did it, Dad, you brought twat to the next level.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08You bellend!
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- Hey, can I have a lift?- No. Where you going?- Seeing Zoe.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14It's a week till she goes to uni, I think I can get to ten more shags.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18But I have to see her every day. Mum, lift?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21All right, for young love.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22- RACHEL:- Guys!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Oh, God, it's like an omen!
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Practically the first job to come up, and it is perfect!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Since when are you looking for a job?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Since I realised I couldn't spend another day in that office full of deadbeats.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- That would be my office then.- Yep!
0:05:34 > 0:05:37There's a new position at this ace human rights charity,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- the Pegasus Alliance. - Oh, Nina runs that!
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Yes, that's Nina's. She speaks of it relentlessly.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I'm going to make start on the application now.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Oh, yes! Food!
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- There you go, Mom. - Lovely, thank you. Delicious.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52- Oh, nice trousers! - I thank you.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- Give 'em me.- Never! - You know I'm going to burn them.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- You are not going to burn them. - Ken, I cannot see them, I cannot...
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Ignore her! I am the red-pantalooned Pied Piper of all women!
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Oh!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Rachel, that is hands down
0:06:11 > 0:06:14the most moving job application I've ever read.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I mean, your desolate days after Cuckoo died,
0:06:17 > 0:06:20your nights of sleepless crying?
0:06:22 > 0:06:26I don't know if I'm ever going to be happy again.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I really appreciate that, guys.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I mean, I did put my heart and soul into it, so...
0:06:31 > 0:06:36Chief Ken, you have to read Rachel's job application, it'll change your life.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40- Oh!- It's the saddest book I've ever read.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42And I've read five books.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Really?! That good, is it?
0:06:45 > 0:06:50Any criticism, however small, is gratefully received, so...
0:06:50 > 0:06:51OK, let's have a look.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00It's quite full-on.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Yeah.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- How long is it till the deadline? - Midnight.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Four hours? That's...
0:07:14 > 0:07:16That's not enough time!
0:07:16 > 0:07:18That's not enough time!
0:07:20 > 0:07:21TYPING
0:07:23 > 0:07:25OK, quarter of an hour to go. Come on, hand it in!
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Ken, how could it possibly need this much work?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Don't blame me, I'm not the one who wrote
0:07:30 > 0:07:32a job application in the style of Angela's Ashes.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- Dad, it says they're looking for someone creative.- Don't be so naive.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Creative means, "Will take less money if they're allowed to wear jeans".
0:07:38 > 0:07:44There. It's ready, your dad has saved the day.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48"I have good organisation and experience of Excel."
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Ooh, this one's good too!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Budge up, I'm just going to upload it onto their server.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54And...send.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00OK, why isn't it sending?
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Send!
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Dad, why isn't it sending?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Well, hang on...
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- Send it!- I'll do it... - What's wrong with this robot?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- Three... - It's frozen. For God's sake!- Two...
0:08:13 > 0:08:14- One!- Come on!
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Midnight!
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Oh, thank God!
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Ah, there we are! Well done, love!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Well done. Close though!
0:08:28 > 0:08:29That was close.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31NOTIFICATION BEEP
0:08:32 > 0:08:35"The deadline passed at midnight on the 21st,
0:08:35 > 0:08:37"we are no longer considering applications"?
0:08:37 > 0:08:38- What?!- Bollocks!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Oh, fuck you!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Oh, well, thanks a bunch, Dad! That really helped(!)
0:08:48 > 0:08:49What?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- No way was that my fault. - Oh, Jesus, Ken.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- KNOCKING - Go away.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Hey, it's just Dale.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- You OK?- I don't get it, Dale.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Three years and not one thing has gone right for me.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Am I cursed or something?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18That is quite the run of bad luck, huh?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20First, your husband died in the Himalayas,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23then the website froze. It's a double whammy.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Close the door on your way out, OK?
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Yeah, will do.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Hey, you know what Mr Z used to say when a business decision
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- or something didn't go his way?- No.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36SPEAKS CHINESE
0:09:39 > 0:09:44Oh, it means, "The harder the battle, the more brave the men become."
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Dale, I don't know who's told you you're a businessman, but as far
0:09:48 > 0:09:51as I can tell, all you seem to do is wear a suit and sunglasses.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Indoors!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I know, I have skills. I can help you.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56No.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Unless you can make Nina take a late submission for this job, you can't.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07You try your best to help them, and what thanks do you get?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Sid's the most direct, he just goes ahead and defecates on me.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Poor Rach.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16First, Dale comes back, mooning over some other girl, then this job.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18She was really excited about it.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19I know.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22In many ways, that job was her red trousers.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26What sort of an evil witch denies a person their red trousers?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I can turn this round. I'll go and see Nina tomorrow.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32See if the old Thompson silver tongue can persuade her.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- You vomited on her. - That was ages ago.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36You punched her in the face.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- You completely ruined their Christmas concert.- Yes, all right.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40They were more recent.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43But you're forgetting that in a previous, more pleasant life,
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I was one of Lichfield's finest lawyers.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- A professional in the art of persuasion.- Ooh!
0:10:48 > 0:10:50What are you going to persuade me to do?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Hmm, well,
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- I can think of a few things.- Good!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Well, tell me about them in the morning.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- Lorna, that's not fair, you started that!- I know.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Sometimes I'm all talk.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- KNOCKING - Come in!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Ken!
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Nina!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- And baby!- Yes!- Aw!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Erm...
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Oh, golly gosh! Look at your trousers, wow!
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Getting a lot of trouble from bulls?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- I don't know yet, I've been avoiding the bull farm!- The bull farm!
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- Please do sit.- May I?- Yes, please.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38There we are.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41So, I haven't seen you since you ruined the Christmas concert.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Oh, Nina, I am so sorry about the concert.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48And, of course, about the punch and...
0:11:48 > 0:11:49you know, the vomit.
0:11:50 > 0:11:55- You're forgiven. I'm not the sort of person who carries grudges.- Aw!
0:11:55 > 0:11:59So, what do you want? I imagine I will grant it.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04Well, Rachel was making an application for the job at your charity.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06And - it's a funny story, actually...
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Ha-ha-ha!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Ah-ha. Erm...
0:12:10 > 0:12:12She tried to send it last night online,
0:12:12 > 0:12:16and, Gordon Bennett, your website was frozen. It wouldn't send!
0:12:16 > 0:12:20- Oh, shame, so she missed the deadline?- Yes.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25But I thought, never mind, print off a hard copy and just bring it in.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Sometimes the old-fashioned ways are the best.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Ken, no, I'm sorry,
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- I couldn't accept an application past the deadline.- Oh.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Oh, no, she tried to make the deadline, so...
0:12:36 > 0:12:38No, yes, well -
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I couldn't give Rachel special treatment, you know.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Everyone knows how close we are.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45- Do they?- Yes, they do, Ken.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49No, I'm sorry, it would be immoral of me to read it.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Oh, Nina...
0:12:52 > 0:12:53(Who would know?)
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I would know, Ken.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59OK.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02OK, well.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05It's there, if you change your mind.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06No, I won't!
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- I'm pretty sure you will. - I won't. Bye-bye.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Hmm...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- You might!- I won't.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Aw.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15SIGHS
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Dad?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- Ooh, I like those trousers, Ken, Lord, I do!- Of course you do.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- Mind if I buy a similar pair? - Yes, I mind.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- Do not.- So, how'd it go?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Bad news, I'm afraid, love.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Nina was completely unreasonable.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Oh, well.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Thank you, universe(!)
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Oh, love.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Listen,
0:13:42 > 0:13:44I probably just caught her on a bad day.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47It'll be all right, I'll have another word with her.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Hey, listen - how about I put Sid down,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53then I go and get us some Magnum out the freezer?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Huh? Go on, then.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Ben, do you want one?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Plain chocolate, please, Ken, the almond ones give me hives.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04HE WHISTLES
0:14:15 > 0:14:17(What the f...?)
0:14:22 > 0:14:23(Chief Ken!)
0:14:24 > 0:14:25(Hey!)
0:14:27 > 0:14:30A little something I'm doing for Rachel.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31It's Nina!
0:14:31 > 0:14:35What have you done, you lunatic?!
0:14:35 > 0:14:37It's going to be a while before she wakes up.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39But, when she does,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42I reckon she's going to consider Rachel for that job after all.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Please say this isn't happening!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Oh, bollocks!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Dad, don't promise ice cream and not...
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Shh!
0:14:57 > 0:14:58What?!
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Oh, my God! What's going on?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- It's Dale, he's kidnapped Nina! - Dale!
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Yeah, it's a fail-safe business technique I learned in China.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Step one - put your intended business partner
0:15:08 > 0:15:10in a room with a bag over their head.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Step two - they'll pretty much do anything you want.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Like give you the job of your dreams.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17You kidnapped Nina for me?
0:15:17 > 0:15:18You're welcome, Mom.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22Now, we'll get to negotiations just as soon as the chloroform wears off.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Chloroform?!
0:15:23 > 0:15:27- Yeah.- Dale, we could go to prison! Kidnapping is illegal!
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Well, not if it's for business purposes.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Yes, it's still exactly as illegal.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Pretty sure you're wrong about that, Chief Ken,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35because Mr Z, he did kidnappings all the time.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38And if that was illegal, that would make him a criminal!
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Which he always insisted he wasn't.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Dale, you have done a very bad thing here, do you understand?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- A very, very bad thing! - Ken? Is that you?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Yes, it was definitely you.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I'd know your voice anywhere.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Oh...
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Yes.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Hi?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Oh, God, where are we?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Ken, have they kidnapped you too?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Yes.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I've been kidnapped too.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08I don't know by whom,
0:16:08 > 0:16:09or why,
0:16:09 > 0:16:12but... Oh!
0:16:12 > 0:16:15MUFFLED: Ah! I'm being dragged away now, Nina!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I'm being dragged away now!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- They're dragging me out now!- Ken?!
0:16:19 > 0:16:21- ON MONITOR:- 'Ken!' - You're insane! You're insane!
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Chief Ken, I've got all covered. Look.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25'..if you touch a hair on his head...!'
0:16:25 > 0:16:28It's vital to track negotiations at all times.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32I improvised with Sid's baby monitor! How neat is that?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35It is very far from neat.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36What the hell are we going to do?
0:16:36 > 0:16:40- Dale, what sort of business did Mr Z run exactly?- All sorts.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44- Clubs, casinos, security services to local businesses.- Oh, my God.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Oh, yeah, and he shipped a hell of a lot of poppy extract!
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Dale, I think Mr Z may have been a gangster.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Right.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54And I suppose Chun Pat was a gangster too, and Sen Yi?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56And all my fun Triad buddies?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58You are shitting me!
0:16:58 > 0:16:59I'm not shitting you.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- BEN:- Ken, addendum RE: the chocolate ices,
0:17:01 > 0:17:03almond ones are still a no-go,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- but I'd say a big yes to one of the mini ones...- Ben, shut up!
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Dale's kidnapped Nina, she's tied up and drugged in our garage.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Ha-ha-ha! Oh, you got me!
0:17:12 > 0:17:13NINA: 'Help!
0:17:13 > 0:17:15'Tell my children I love them!'
0:17:15 > 0:17:17WAILS
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Oh, my God, this is a crime!
0:17:19 > 0:17:20I'm implicated.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22The Law Society will be furious!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I need to get out of here.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Ben, stay.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26OK, I'll stay.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28We need to come up with a plan here, people.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Golly gosh, Chief Ken, if you're so worried about it,
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- I can just take Nina back. - Nina thinks I've been kidnapped too!
0:17:34 > 0:17:35If you take her back,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- the first person the police will investigate is me!- For what?
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- It's not like we're doing anything illegal, guys.- It IS illegal!
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- DYLAN:- All right, losers? - NINA: 'Help! Help!'
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- Dale kidnapped Nina for me. - That is extreme.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Cool.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Right, well, I'll be in my room. - Get back here!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55We need to decide what to do, otherwise Dale is going to prison,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57and Ben and I are going to lose our livelihoods.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Imagine not being a lawyer! I can't, I really can't!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02DOORBELL
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Oh, it's you.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- What do you want?- Just being a friendly neighbour, Ken.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16We've had some complaints, a woman was heard wailing.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Clearly audible from behind those bushes over there.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23- And who was listening from the bushes?- I can't divulge my sources.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Seriously, Ken, what's happening? (Is it Lorna?)
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- NINA:- '..untie me from this chair!'
0:18:29 > 0:18:30- Yes.- Say no more.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Bit of 50 Shades in the garage, huh?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Nothing could be more natural. Or beautiful.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- Can I...?- No.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- I didn't finish.- You're going to ask if you could watch.- I was.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Can I...?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43'You won't get away with this!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45'You mark my words, you won't get away with this!'
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Right.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48We have to shut her up.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50NINA SCREAMS
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Oh, Ken, thank God!
0:18:55 > 0:18:56Oh, Ken, what did they do to you?
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- RACHEL, AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - Be quiet there, mate.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- BEN, AUSTRALIAN: - You bloody stay there,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04otherwise I'll put you on the barbie, ya cockatoos.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08OK, one of them's Australian, and the other, I just have no idea.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Where are we?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12It's impossible to say.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Stop complaining, you pommy bastard!
0:19:14 > 0:19:19Or I'll put you on the barbie, you cockatoos.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22OK, Ken, look, just don't provoke him, OK?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Please, what do you want from us?
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Why are we here?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34You must have taken us hostage for a reason?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40OK, this is the way I see it -
0:19:40 > 0:19:43me and my very good friend Nina here are trapped,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46so why don't you go and talk amongst yourselves
0:19:46 > 0:19:49and decide on how we can resolve the situation, yeah?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- NORMAL:- Oh, good plan, Ken! Erm...
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- AUSTRALIAN:- I mean...
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Bonza!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Jeepers, Ken.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04I don't know how you remain so brave and masterful.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I mean, that was like you were giving them orders.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Nina, you can't show them any fear.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10That is the first rule of being kidnapped
0:20:10 > 0:20:11by enigmatic terrorist vigilantes.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14OK, well, they've left us alone now, and that was their first mistake,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17cos we can talk, right?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19So, I would say...
0:20:19 > 0:20:23I think we're in the garage of a suburban house.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- Or a lock-up, or a bunker. Let's not jump to conclusions.- Hmm...
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Unlikely. I mean, look, there's a ripper skateboard there.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31My Neil's got one of those.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34No, my guess would be
0:20:34 > 0:20:39we're in a family home where there's a son about Neil's age.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Stop guessing, Nina!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42OK? It's a trap!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Everything in here is designed to make us
0:20:44 > 0:20:46think what they want us to think.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Believe nothing.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Trust no-one.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Ugh!
0:20:55 > 0:20:57OK, so far, we have three ideas.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Number one - convince Nina this is all a dream.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- That one's my favourite. - Number two -
0:21:01 > 0:21:03something about fridges.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Yeah, no, that never really developed.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Number three - kill ourselves and frame her for the murder.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Yeah, thanks, Dylan. - It's not all mine. I saw it on CSI. - TEXT MESSAGE
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- Oh, Zoe. Laters! - Dylan, where are you going?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Seeing Zoe? Got nine shags to go.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20So, I have an idea, but you're not going to like it. Go on, then.
0:21:20 > 0:21:25What if we hand Dale into the police and he takes the rap for everything?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Wow! That's great idea!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I knew there was a way out, you brainy box!
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Good job, buddy. I'll just go to jail. How long will I be there?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Five, ten years?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I'll be out before you can say lickety-split!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Dale, you do not want to go to jail.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45You know what happens to athletic young men in jail.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Are they made to do gymnastics? Because I LOVE gymnastics!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50So it's sorted then!
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Dale, when you give yourself up, make sure that you say that you take
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- absolutely all the blame for everything, OK?- No, stop, OK.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01- There has to be another way. - Dale is fine with it. OK?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Now, I'm just going to make a little call...
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Rachel, I know it's hard.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10But you will thank me when Dale is in jail
0:22:10 > 0:22:12and we are not in jail. OK.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Quick, stop him!
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Quick! Dale!
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Ben, I know this is tough, but you do understand, don't you? Yeah?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Sorry, buddy, had to do it.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30BABY CRIES
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Why is that baby crying?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34What are they doing to it?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE BABY?! - It's probably nothing.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38We just need to be quiet and...
0:22:38 > 0:22:40maybe, in our hearts,
0:22:40 > 0:22:43start to think about forgiving our captors.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44This could be the end, Ken.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48I'd like to thank you for being here with me.
0:22:48 > 0:22:54- I mean, I had no choice. - No, no, you have been wonderful.
0:22:54 > 0:22:59'In fact, I've got a confession to make. It's about Rachel.'
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I didn't mind that Rachel got her application in late.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Oh, well, that's excellent news!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07No, no, to be honest,
0:23:07 > 0:23:09'she just wasn't really good enough for the job.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12'I mean, you know, this is a very prestigious position.'
0:23:12 > 0:23:16We were looking for go-getters, and Rachel skipped university
0:23:16 > 0:23:17and hasn't really done much
0:23:17 > 0:23:19'but sit on her arse ever since.'
0:23:19 > 0:23:23'You know, we were hoping for a certain standard of applicant,'
0:23:23 > 0:23:25and she is very far off it!
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Yeah. Yeah, must be nice to get that out in the open.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38Oh, wow.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I'm so sorry, Rach.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44No, it's OK.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47God, look at us!
0:23:47 > 0:23:50You thinking you were a businessman, and me
0:23:50 > 0:23:54thinking I had any kind of a future when it's already past rescuing.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Couple of idiots.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08Oh, look, that must've come out the bag the kidnappers put on my head.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10A receipt? I wouldn't bother with that.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13No, it's fine, I can read it from here.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18"One pair of cherry red trousers, 44" waist."
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Yeah.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- That is quite interesting. - That sounds like your trousers.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24What trousers?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26The ones you're wearing.
0:24:26 > 0:24:31- Well, that's...- It's odd that the kidnappers would use your shopping bag.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Unless we're in your house?
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Ken, I think this is your garage.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Nina, this is not my garage.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Ken, what is going on?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Nina, this is NOT my garage.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51This is not my bloody garage, Nina!
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I swear... DOOR OPENS
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Ken, it's Lorna!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10What are you doing tied up there, you drombats?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Ken, this IS your garage! YOU kidnapped me!
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Wrong, Nina!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- Really wrong!- Rachel?
0:25:19 > 0:25:25Yeah, Nina, maybe my CV is rubbish, but you said I'm not a go-getter.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Well, how go-getting's this?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- I kidnapped you.- What?!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I had to get your attention somehow.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33And if taking you hostage is what it takes for you to
0:25:33 > 0:25:36consider my application, well, yeah, I don't regret it.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Rachel, kidnapping is a crime.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Yes. Kidnapping IS a crime.
0:25:42 > 0:25:48It's happening to women and children in North Korea, Nepal...
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Erm... Somalia...
0:25:51 > 0:25:52- Haiti.- Haiti.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55And we should be fighting it!
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Because, sometimes, to fight a crime,
0:25:58 > 0:26:00you have got to commit a crime yourself!
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Oh-ho, yes!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04That is a beautiful thought!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Give me that job, or bloody hell,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I'll just had to keep kidnapping you until you do!
0:26:09 > 0:26:10OK, Rachel,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I'm having a hard time processing your logic.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- Yeah, I get that.- But, erm...
0:26:17 > 0:26:18I loved it.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24I think that is the bravest job request I've ever had.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27You've got the job! Ha-ha!
0:26:27 > 0:26:28- Great!- Hell, yeah!
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Yes! Wow, Ken, I bet you were along with this all along, weren't you?
0:26:34 > 0:26:35I might have been.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38I definitely was!
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Untie me, now.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Do you know what, I always thought
0:26:41 > 0:26:44you were a bit more of a comedian than an actor, but you're both.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Yeah, group hug!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Come on! Aw!
0:26:49 > 0:26:51I told you it'd work, Chief Ken.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Wow.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59So I spent six months furthering the interests
0:26:59 > 0:27:03- of an international criminal organisation?- Yeah.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08God, it must make you rethink your whole China experience, eh?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Everything you did.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Everyone you met?
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Yeah.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Well, except for Ling. I remain as in love with her as ever!
0:27:16 > 0:27:17Hello, you two.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Hey, Chief Ken.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22I've been doing some research.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Turns out you were right about that Triads thing.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I was fairly sure.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28It's such a shame.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31I'll miss having a vocation in life.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35Dale, Ken and I have had a chat.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Thing is, I could do with some help looking after Sid.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40And you clearly can't be trusted on your own, so...
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- So we thought, how do you fancy being Sid's nanny?- Aw!
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- A nanny? Is that a real job? - Sure it is.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48You'd live with me and Lorn, just like you do now,
0:27:48 > 0:27:52and you'd help me take care of my darling heir and shit factory.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Wow!
0:27:53 > 0:27:55That's amazing! How much would I earn?
0:27:56 > 0:27:5850 quid a week?
0:27:58 > 0:27:5950 quids a week?
0:28:01 > 0:28:04- No way! I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams! - BABY CRIES
0:28:04 > 0:28:07There you go, you can start now.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Roger that, Chief.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Oh, Dale?
0:28:11 > 0:28:14You can do the night shift as well. I'll get some kip.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16I'll stay up all night!
0:28:16 > 0:28:20This is going to be like a sleepover, except I'm totally alone!
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Goodnight, guys!
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Dad, 50 quid?
0:28:25 > 0:28:26Yeah, you are a tight stink.
0:28:28 > 0:28:29Shit!
0:28:29 > 0:28:30Did anyone untie Ben?