0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language.
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Or we could just buy me a hi-fi.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Concentrate.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18Sid's going to be spending more time in his baby stroller than anywhere else.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21It's like the office was for you when you were a working man.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Ah, yes! Those happy times!
0:00:24 > 0:00:26That one with blue on it?
0:00:26 > 0:00:27What? The aluminium frame?
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Then I don't know, Dale!
0:00:29 > 0:00:32What happened to the time when you just chucked them in a pram
0:00:32 > 0:00:33and listened to Screamadelica?
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Ken!
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Jess! Haven't seen you since that time at the hospital.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41The time I gave birth! And you...
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Yeah, that time, yeah. How's motherhood?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Loving it. And paternity leave?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48How does it feel to be a feminist icon?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51What can I say? I'm a hero to all women.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53THEY LAUGH
0:00:53 > 0:00:58Ah, the stroller debate. Marc and I went for that one.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02The Jill Cotterill. It's durable, light, turns into a car seat.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Oh, gosh, she's a beauty!
0:01:05 > 0:01:09And so this horrific experience draws to a close!
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I owe you, Jess.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Don't be silly!
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Actually, you know what?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19I'm doing this mums' group thing with some of the girls from NCT.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20You should come.
0:01:20 > 0:01:25Bloke? At a mums' group? Think that might be a bit weird.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29And I said to the doctor, "Hey, sonny - what about MY mastitis?"
0:01:29 > 0:01:31THEY LAUGH
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Oh! Right, cake o'clock, I think.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Don't you shake your head at me, Jenny.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38That baby weight is dropping right off and you bloody deserve it!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Excuse me for a second, ladies.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- Cake report.- This is going to be the best darn coffee cake
0:01:46 > 0:01:48those girls have ever tasted!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- Who would have thought that mums' group would be so ace?- I know!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53We get to enjoy all of the fun and gossiping
0:01:53 > 0:01:55but we get to avoid the catty infighting.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Oh, by the way, Beth said your fruit cake was dry.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- Prissy little tart!- Right.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Left the stuff for my meeting!
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Ooh! How's your coffee morning going?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Tremendously! Ken has a foolproof system.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- I do.- I prepare all the food, clean the house and wash up.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Ken is the social face of the operation -
0:02:13 > 0:02:16occupying the guests, and checking the food is tasty.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Sounds about right!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Right, now, you wash up. You - come and meet the girls!
0:02:20 > 0:02:22So, everyone...
0:02:22 > 0:02:27Oh, Ken - busted! Now Laura's going to know about your daytime harem!
0:02:27 > 0:02:29HE LAUGHS It's not a harem.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Well, I think we would ALL like to thank you for letting us
0:02:32 > 0:02:34borrow him, Laura.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38With Marc in Dubai, Ken's the only male company I get!
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Well, I hope he's not droning on about history too much!
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- You!- Why would you say that, Laura?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Ken is a fascinating intellect. I hope you appreciate him!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49I do. And it's Lorna.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- What's Lorna, Laura? - My name - it's Lorna.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54What? No!
0:02:54 > 0:02:59Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! So embarrassing! Oh, ha-ha!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- Lorna.- Yeah.- Lorna.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03SHE LAUGHS
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Not Laura. Lorna.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08OK! Well. Back to work.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09THEY CHORTLE
0:03:09 > 0:03:14Oh! By the way, save the 25th for Eliza's christening.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Only right you should be there, Ken,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17seeing as you were there at liftoff.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- What?- How do you mean, there at liftoff?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I think what Jess means is we were both at the same hospital
0:03:22 > 0:03:24when the babies came. Right, Jess?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Right. Well, so just think about it!
0:03:26 > 0:03:27SHE LAUGHS
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- She's a head case.- No, she's OK.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Nope, she's a head case. See you later!
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Squeeze Sid for me.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42HE SIGHS
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Jess. What was that about?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Of course I haven't told Lorna that I was at Eliza's birth!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49What? You haven't told her?
0:03:49 > 0:03:53No, I haven't told her. Because of you, I missed Sid's birth!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56If Lorna finds out, I'll get murdered in my sleep,
0:03:56 > 0:03:57so keep it to yourself!
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Um...oh. It's a bit weird. I mean, so what?
0:04:01 > 0:04:06You held my hand as I gave birth. It was an act of kindness.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Plus you wouldn't let go of my hand, so...
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Oh, Ken! I just want to make it clear -
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I am happily married to Marc.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18So am I! Very happily! Not to Marc. To Laura. Lorna.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Well, OK. So then, just please - tell your wife!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Because whatever problems you and Laura are having,
0:04:25 > 0:04:29I just don't want to be a part of them, OK?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Lecture over.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33SHE GIGGLES
0:04:33 > 0:04:34But...
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Ling is thousands of miles away,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39so how come our love feels even stronger?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43And if love transcends time and space,
0:04:43 > 0:04:47perhaps therein lies the secret of the universe.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48What do you think, Dyl?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Couldn't give a shit, mate.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Hey. What's that game you're playing on your robot phone?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56It's not a game, you bell-end. It's Love Swipe.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Ah, fuck! I just liked a munter.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Love Swipe is a way of finding romantic partners?
0:05:00 > 0:05:05No, it's hunting willing snatch. Here, have a look. Right, OK.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09So here we have...ah, older woman, 24.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Only 100 or so metres away from us... Rachel!
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- That's Mom!- I flicked right, I flicked right.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16These treacherous eyes!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Dylan, are you trying to hook up with me on Love Swipe?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Your photo's like three years old. You look completely different!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Yeah, right. So my face has completely changed
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- in three years, has it? - Mom!
0:05:25 > 0:05:27You didn't say you were electronically dating.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Yeah, well, I thought I'd put myself on there.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- You know, see what the fuss was about.- Oh, phew!
0:05:32 > 0:05:36It seems like there's been nobody on the scene since December!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- Yeah. How many dates you been on, Rach?- In total...
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- ..none.- What?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Come on, Mom! Get a move on.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46You're not going to find a man mooching about the house!
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Unless there are some available guys round here -
0:05:48 > 0:05:50and I don't know of any.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Thanks, Dale.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03- Phew! Longest day ever!- Hello.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Mwah!- How's our little Sid?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Yeah, he's good. I just put him down.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Well, the Briony and Tim saga continues.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Who's Briony and Tim?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- From work.- Oh!
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Don't you listen to a word I say?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Of course! Your voice is music to me, my love.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- I just sometimes don't concentrate on the lyrics.- Hah!
0:06:24 > 0:06:28So - there's probably something I should tell you. It's no biggy.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32And certainly no-one's fault. So promise me you won't over-react.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I will react the exact right amount. What is it?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Well, do you remember when Sid was born?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40I think I recall it, yeah.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Well, it's a funny story.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46I...I ran into Jess while we were waiting for Sid.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50And she grabbed hold of my hand
0:06:50 > 0:06:53and she wouldn't let go until she'd given birth.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58Which explains why I was late. Why I missed Sid's birth. It's silly!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00But like I say, it's no biggy.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02No biggy?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05No, no biggy.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Is this a biggy?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Jesus Christ, Ken! No biggy!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Come on, Lorn. It's not like it didn't work out all right.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Sid's great. And you're the best wife a man ever...
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Oh, shut your face! You have no idea what I was going through,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23what it takes to push a thing like that out of your bits!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26May I remind you I have seen it three times, actually,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28with two different...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- Oh, shit. Lorn! - Hi, Lorna. Hi, Chief Ken.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34- It wasn't my fault.- Oh, it never is your fault, is it, Ken?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37"Whoops, I shot the cat! Whoops, I didn't have a vasectomy!"
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Guys. What's happening?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Are Chief Ken and Lorna going to get a divorce?
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Oh, no - this happens every couple of years. Believe me, it's worse when they make up.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Dad walking round like he's John Mayer just because he's done it twice in a week.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53How's your robot-phone dating going?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Love Swipe is crammed with goons.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Well, I hope you'll give 'em a chance, little Miss Fussy!
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Do you? All right, well - how about him? He's quite attractive.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Maybe I should go round to his and have wild sex.
0:08:05 > 0:08:10- Be all right with that, would you? - Absolutely doodle dandy! - Absolutely doodle dandy.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12- All right. There - a match.- What!
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Oh! And he wants to meet now.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18I'll just go over there, shall I?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21You know, unless anyone has any objections to that?
0:08:21 > 0:08:26- No, none here.- OK. Yeah. See you in the morning, then. Or not!
0:08:26 > 0:08:27- OK!- OK.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33I could not be happier for her!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Maybe we should get a super king-size.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43That way you can be even further away and even more ridiculous.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Just more comfortable like this.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Lorna, I can't help what happened.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I didn't mean to upset you, but what can I do about it?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Well, here's an idea - you can stop meeting up with Jess.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Ha-ha! Not happening.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58OK, if you don't care about my feelings...
0:08:58 > 0:09:01What about MY feelings, Lorn?
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Jess runs the mums' group, which happens to be my entire social life.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07No, I'm sorry - you don't get to veto my friends.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Friends? As if! She's after you!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13What? Don't be ridiculous!
0:09:13 > 0:09:16"Oh, Ken! What a fascinating intellect, Ken!
0:09:16 > 0:09:19"Oh, Ken, hold my hand while I give birth, Ken!"
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Get real, Lorn!
0:09:20 > 0:09:25I am greying, I'm out of shape and Jess is a young, highly attractive...
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Fuck! I didn't mean that!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32No, I'm sorry. There is a point of principle here.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I am not backing down on this. Final word.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38HE GROANS
0:09:38 > 0:09:42OK, OK! you win! I won't see Jess again.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I surrender my dignity at your whim.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Nice to see the patriarchy in action again.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48How I love to rule the world.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Now will you please come back to the centre of the bed!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I don't know what you're going on about.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55SHE SCREAMS
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Right, I am getting a glass of water.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21- Hello?- Hey, how's it kicking? You must be Rachel's...
0:10:21 > 0:10:22ancient housemate?
0:10:22 > 0:10:23I'm her father.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Father? OK, I'm Freddy. I'm a...new friend of hers.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30We met last night, and then we had a...a sleepover.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32You know.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Is this awkward? This feels awkward. - Let us eat our breakfast in silence.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Yeah.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39- Hello.- Ah, this is Freddy.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Freddy and Rachel went on a date last night.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Interesting. Did he hold hands with another woman while she gave birth?
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Oh. Seamless segue! And thank you for airing our personal grievances
0:10:49 > 0:10:51in front of our daughter's one-night stand.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I'm not a one-night-stand kind of guy.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Are you going to be boyfriend and girlfriend from now on, are you?
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- I mean, I'm not in that place, so...- Thank you! - Shit! Rachel actually got laid!
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- You're still here?- Well, it's breakfast, so...most important meal of the day.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Good morning, my beautiful family!
0:11:12 > 0:11:16And complete stranger. Would you like some pancakes?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21You must be a friend of Rachel's?
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Ah, sort of. We met last night.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26On a date.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Oh, fun. Did you stay the night here?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- Yeah.- With Rachel?- Yeah. - In her bedroom?
0:11:33 > 0:11:38- Yes, Dale - we slept together, OK? - Argh!
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Dale!
0:11:39 > 0:11:43I am so sorry! I'll get him cleaned up in no time.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44- What the hell was that? - Weird, right?
0:11:44 > 0:11:48It must be my training with Mr Xi - I get these crazy reflex reactions.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49I think he'll be OK.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- Dale, you were the one who told me to start dating again! - I know, you should!
0:11:53 > 0:11:58Then why punch the first guy I spend the night with? I thought you - I mean - we had made it very clear.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- There's nothing between us. - Yeah, what are you saying?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03You were jealous. Of me and him.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05What! I love Ling. See previous conversations.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10Well, obviously, there are some suppressed emotions going on here. Maybe deal with them, Dale.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Because I can't have this jealous ex going round the house saying
0:12:13 > 0:12:15he's not jealous when he so clearly is.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I don't care either way...so...!
0:12:22 > 0:12:27We're going to take our arms into the air, stretching to the side.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Rachel is so wrong!
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I mean, me - jealous? No way!
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Sure, once I thought her to be my one and only eternal love.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38But that was so eight months ago!
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Right leg in the air. Really push into that stretch.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- What do you think, Chief Ken? - Oh, God.
0:12:45 > 0:12:51- Chief!- Yeah, can we talk about this another time.- Hey!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Oh, no!
0:12:53 > 0:12:58Right, as soon as this class finishes, we are leaving.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Keep walking, Dale. Just keep walking, please.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Ken! Ken! KEN!
0:13:05 > 0:13:06SHE LAUGHS
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Wow, that is some world-class baby yoga leaving there.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Ha-ha! Right. It was great to see you anyway, Jess. Bye, now!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Hey, what are you guys up to this afternoon?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Some of the mums are coming over.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20I've made a killer pistachio tart.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Oh, that sounds delicious! Yeah, we have absolutely nothing going on!
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Oh, but I'm afraid we do have something going on, don't we?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30We've got that thing, Dale. You know that thing we've got to do.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Oh, I get you - THAT thing!
0:13:35 > 0:13:37He will just...!
0:13:37 > 0:13:39No, Chief Ken, that thing is NEXT Wednesday.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- This afternoon is completely free. - Great! So come round.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Oh, but I'm sorry, we can't. Get in.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Bye.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Oh, um, which way you headed?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Through town. See you!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52You couldn't give me a lift, could you?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55It's just, bit worried about Eliza, it's such a hot day
0:13:55 > 0:14:00and the sun being SO dangerous for tiny babies.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02It's very hot.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Of course.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Great. Oh, isn't he a nice man!
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Right. We're dropping her straight off at her house.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13And you do not mention this to Lorna. Do you understand?
0:14:18 > 0:14:23Are you sure I can't tempt you in? The girls will be round soon.
0:14:23 > 0:14:28- I've got eclairs in from Druckers. - Oh!- No, can't do it.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Suit yourself. Dale, would you be a sweetheart?
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Of course.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36- Bye.- Bye.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Thank you.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Chief Ken, have you gone insane?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44That's some of the finest Vienna patisserie in Birmingham!
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Lorna says I'm not allowed to see Jess.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48She's a little bit jealous.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50But mums' group is the most fun we have all week!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Oi! Where are you going?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- Lorna didn't say I couldn't see Jess, did she?- Well, no, but...- OK.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02- I'm going to go have some cake and have the best time ever.- Traitor!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07What do you think, Sid?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09It's not like I'm doing anything wrong, is it?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Jess is my friend and I love mums' group.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14What do you think, my boy?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Should I obey your delusional mother,
0:15:16 > 0:15:22or should I make my own decisions in life like a proper adult?
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Who's the chief here?
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Hello?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Oh, great! You changed your mind!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Yeah! When are the girls getting here?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Oh, dunno - in about an hour or so.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Dale, would you be a love,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45and run and get some of that nice coffee from town.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I invite everyone over for coffee and what do I forget to buy? Coffee!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50THEY LAUGH
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- Yeah. I'll be back soon!- Right.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56You make yourself comfortable and I'll be back in a sec.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02There we are, Sidney.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15HE EXHALES
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- There you go.- Oh!
0:16:22 > 0:16:23Wine?
0:16:23 > 0:16:28Well, there's no coffee, is there! Right, then. Shower for me.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Sorry? A shower?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Well, I can't receive the girls in my yoga sweats, can I?
0:16:32 > 0:16:36OK, Jess - should I go and come back another time, cos...?
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Oh, no, I'll be two ticks.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Don't worry, we've got a couple of hours before the gang get here.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41A COUPLE of hours?
0:16:57 > 0:16:58What are you doing?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Ken! Oh, you're not leaving, are you?
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Shouldn't you be wearing more clothes?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Why are you walking towards me? What's happening?
0:17:13 > 0:17:17What's happening is you are going to ravish me,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20you sexy giant old man, you!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23What? There will be no ravishing! Not today or tomorrow.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25You were supposed to be my coffee morning friend!
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I am very disappointed in you, actually, Jess!
0:17:28 > 0:17:29I know you're tempted.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33You are scaring me! I am a happily married man. What about Marc?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Oh, come on - we both know there's no Marc.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39What?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42What? Don't undo that. Why are you undoing that?
0:17:42 > 0:17:43You are mental!
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I am mental...
0:17:46 > 0:17:47- Argh!- ..and naked.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Ooh! I'm not looking. And I'm leaving!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52And I'm not looking! Goodbye!
0:17:56 > 0:18:00- Get in the car.- Why? I got coffee. - She's a fucking nutter.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Lorna WAS right. Jess WAS after you.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Yes. But Lorna had no right to try and control my life.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I've behaved entirely faultlessly, yet somehow, I'm also massively in the wrong.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Well, I guess I should be the one to tell Lorna.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23No! Obviously we are not going to tell her.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25KEN'S PHONE RINGS
0:18:26 > 0:18:29And you, my ex-friend, can bog off.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Right, inside.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33And none of that accidental truth-telling that you do.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36No, I've shaken that out my system. It's hard to do business...
0:18:36 > 0:18:37...Crime...
0:18:37 > 0:18:39...in China without the odd porky pie.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I'll stick to my old standby - we were in the market
0:18:42 > 0:18:46shopping for Lotus dumplings for the Dragon boat festival.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Or maybe just go to straight to your room and never talk to Lorna again.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51- OK.- OK. DALE LAUGHS
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Hiya, you two!
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Hello, beautiful.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- Have you had a good day?- Yeah.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04He's asleep.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Sorry we argued.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Me too.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Maybe I was a bit over-sensitive about Jess.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Still, I probably shouldn't see her again.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- Oh, you're not bloody seeing her again.- No.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- Have you seen her again? - No! Of course not.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I appreciate it, love.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Fuck, it's started.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33So, maybe we could put on a box set,
0:19:33 > 0:19:34have a bit of Ken and Lorna time.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Yes, that's my favourite kind of time.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42KEN'S PHONE RINGS
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Has it ever occurred to you that I'm like a faithful,
0:19:54 > 0:19:56non-alcoholic Don Draper?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Oh, you totally are!
0:19:58 > 0:19:59- I am, right?- Yeah.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01MAD MEN THEME TUNE PLAYS
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Five to go to finish the season.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05BABY CRIES
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- THEY BOTH SIGH - I'll go.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Sit down.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11IN DEEP VOICE: Draper's going to change that nappy.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Oh, God, I am like him. LORNA LAUGHS
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Well, then, Sidney,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24no in-depth analysis of the Arab-Israeli conflict for us tonight.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30No, we shall change that nappy, quick bath and then bed. Deal?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33KEN GASPS Oh! Erm...
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Here, I'll do that. You take the weight off.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Nah, you're all right.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Ken, honestly, It's my turn. You go and relax.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42I don't want to relax. You go and relax.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- Let me change him.- Lorna...
0:20:44 > 0:20:47You are stressed out and it's ruining our family life, OK?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Now, get in there and chill the fuck out, yeah?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Oh, OK, well, I'll go and make a cup of tea, then.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Right, good. Tea would be nice.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00No, no, no, no, no, no!
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Oh, fuck.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Just going to take him for a little drive, soothe him a bit.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- But he's not crying. - He's upset, though. I can tell.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11It's a sort of primary carer thing.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14KEN'S PHONE RINGS
0:21:17 > 0:21:20'Ken, I have been calling and calling. Where is my baby?
0:21:20 > 0:21:21'I want my baby back!'
0:21:21 > 0:21:25I'm driving her over now. Don't move, I'll be ten minutes, tops.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Might as well keep you company.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36But let's make it a short ride. How's our Siddles..?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39He's very close to being upset.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Just going to get something from the house.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- What am I going to do, Dale? - Snap out of it, Ken!
0:21:45 > 0:21:49But she's in the car, she's in the car!
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Now, you listen to me.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52I've done swaps like these my whole time with Mr Xi, all right?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Then with suitcases of money, now with babies - same principle.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- What? - I run to Jess' house, grab Sid.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01You take her baby to the leisure centre car park -
0:22:01 > 0:22:03that's where we'll meet.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- All you need to do is keep Lorna... - BOTH:- ..from looking at the baby.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08- You got this.- I can do this.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- You got this, Chief Ken. - I can swap these babies.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- I know you can! - THEY BOTH YELL
0:22:14 > 0:22:15- Dale!- Just for luck.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Where's my baby? Give me my baby, now!
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Jessica, we're going to get your baby. Just stay calm.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Also, here's your coffee from earlier.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Fuck the coffee.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32Let's go.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45This is nice.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48OK, I'm bored now, let's go home.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Lorna, I'm loving this. Come on, let's chat.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56Tell me about those guys at work, you know, old Tom and Britney.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58- Briony and Tim?- Hell, yes, those guys.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02- Well, Siobhan thought she wasn't invited to the Christmas party.- No!
0:23:02 > 0:23:05I mean she's very nice, she's in her fifties,
0:23:05 > 0:23:08she lives on her own. You know, she's a bit lonely.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Anyway she came in the other day to work,
0:23:10 > 0:23:15she just... She burst into tears, Ken, on the shop floor and...
0:23:15 > 0:23:16LORNA PRATTLES ON
0:23:19 > 0:23:22..I took her down to the little room where we have our cup of tea
0:23:22 > 0:23:23and stuff and erm...
0:23:28 > 0:23:32..anyway, she had to admit that she hadn't even opened the envelope!
0:23:32 > 0:23:33But I'm blathering.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38What? I live for this shit, Lorna, please...
0:23:38 > 0:23:42OK, well, Briony came in the following day...
0:23:42 > 0:23:45..and directly said, "Don't worry, I'll go and get..."
0:23:45 > 0:23:49- BABY CRIES - Ah.- What?- Probably wants his bottle.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51No! Where are you going?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I'm going to get Sid, bring him in the front for a cuddle.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Lorna, this is our time, just you and me.
0:23:55 > 0:23:56Let her cry... Let him cry.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- Ken, I can't listen to him cry. - Lorna...
0:23:59 > 0:24:00You're so beautiful.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- LORNA GASPS - Ken!
0:24:13 > 0:24:15I don't know what's got into you.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Oh, fuck!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Oh...
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- Ken?- Stop!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Someone's got my baby! My baby!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- Stop!- What the hell have you done with my baby?
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Fuck!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41No!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Ken, what the hell is going on?
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- No!- Ken!- No!- Ken!
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- Ken! - BRAKES SCREECH
0:24:49 > 0:24:50What the hell are you doing?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52So sorry, sir. I can explain.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54- You've got a baby in the back of your car.- I definitely don't.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57- No, you have. Dale put it in. - Hi, I'm Dale.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Oh, thank God, my little girl. Oh!
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Don't you dare bring your stodgy sponge to my mums' group ever again.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09KEN GASPS
0:25:09 > 0:25:14How dare you! That sponge was light as a feather.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15What the hell is happening?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Going around putting babies in people's cars. It's not on!
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- Just calm down, I can explain. - Well, I bloody hope you will, Ken.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- The thing is, I went round to Jess' this afternoon...- Ken!
0:25:23 > 0:25:27- I know, I know you told me not to... - No, I didn't.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- I'm sorry, this is principally for Lorna.- Who's Lorna?
0:25:29 > 0:25:30My wife.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Jess was there and I had Sid and Eliza and I...
0:25:35 > 0:25:38No, no, no, mate. Mate, listen, I am way behind here.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41I'm sorry, Lorn, can we talk about this in the car?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Yes, I think we'd better get back to your son, Ken.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58What I'm saying, Ken, is I was right.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59That mad bitch did fancy you.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Yes, all right, you were right.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04In future, I will remember I am irresistible to all women.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06It's their incredibly well-kept secret.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09How fast did you run out of that house?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Like a fat Usain Bolt. THEY LAUGH
0:26:11 > 0:26:13- Do you want some wine?- Yes.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Rachel.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Watching Ken and Lorna today has taught me
0:26:20 > 0:26:22how destructive jealousy can be.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I mean, it seems their marriage is OK now,
0:26:24 > 0:26:26but it was touch-and-go there earlier.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28What are you trying to say, Dale?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30About this morning.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33I now accept that somewhere deep, deep down,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35I may have some residual feelings towards you.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37But, don't worry,
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I will not let those feelings get in the way of our friendship.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43I will crush them using the immense power of my mind.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45OK, well, good luck with that.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49So...
0:26:49 > 0:26:50we're OK?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Absolutely doodle dandy.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Good.