0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:06DOORBELL RINGS All right, all right! Bloody hell!
0:00:06 > 0:00:08- Here you go. - Why have you got my post?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Have you been hassling the postman again?
0:00:10 > 0:00:11Well, he says he's a postman,
0:00:11 > 0:00:14but you can't trust anyone these days - thank you, Tony Blair.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18- Right, then, bye.- So, um, what are your plans for your birthday?
0:00:18 > 0:00:20- It's not my birthday. - You old wind-up merchant!
0:00:20 > 0:00:24My idea - you and me hit the pubs and get shitted.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Like I say, it's not my birthday!
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Then why have I got "Ken" written on the palm of my hand?
0:00:29 > 0:00:33- Because you're insane.- That's weird, I'm normally spot on with dates.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Funny story about that. There was this little...
0:00:38 > 0:00:42- Ah, good morning!- Good morning! - Happy birthday, Dad.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Oh, thank you! Aw!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46What's this?
0:00:46 > 0:00:47- THUD! - Ow!
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Oh, hey, Chief Ken!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- It's your birthday today - happy birthday!- Thank you!
0:00:51 > 0:00:52What are you...doing?
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Another all-night vigil, hoping for an e-mail from Ling.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Not one phone call, not a letter,
0:00:57 > 0:00:59not a single e-mail since I left China.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- Tea?- Tea!- Yeah.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Oh! Is there anything there for me? Maybe from Shanghai, China?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- No, mate, just a couple of cards for the birthday boy.- Oh!
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Have you seen my shoes?
0:01:11 > 0:01:17- No. Not on this special morning! - You know, my brown ones for work.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Special for SOMEONE, anyway.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Got a ton of meetings this morning and I've hardly slept a wink. Oh!
0:01:21 > 0:01:24There they are! I'm going to be late back.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28- I've sterilised Sid's bottles for you.- What a lovely present(!)
0:01:28 > 0:01:29It must be...
0:01:29 > 0:01:35- my birthday!- See you all later.- Bye!
0:01:35 > 0:01:36DOOR CLOSES
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Oh, Ken, I completely forgot.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Car seat, in case you want to go out.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46DOOR CLOSES
0:01:58 > 0:02:03- Check this out! Gold lame birthday banner!- Ho-ho!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- This is going to be the best birthday ever!- Right.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Tonight, we're going to party like it's 99 Red Balloons.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- You've been listening to Lorna's CD collection again?- Yeah, I have.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- You want me to put one on? - No! God, no!
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Tonight is MY night.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18As soon as Lorna is home, we'll be having the holy trinity
0:02:18 > 0:02:20of entertainment -
0:02:20 > 0:02:21the quiz.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24The curry!
0:02:24 > 0:02:27And...the special anniversary edition
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- of The Dambusters... - ..Dambusters.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Tri...vial Pursuit... What is this?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35It's what people did in the '80s when they didn't have television.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38It's an incredible general knowledge quiz. It's the ultimate test of...
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Evening, Ken. Oh, fantastic(!)
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- Where'd you want this? - Not in my house? What is it?
0:02:44 > 0:02:49Fresh batch of home-brew. Not your birthday, eh? You old rogue!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51You and me, we're going to neck this
0:02:51 > 0:02:54and lock horns like two rutting stags.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58- Who let you in?!- Yes, Rachna, I'm on it. I'll sort it out first thing.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Ah, good evening, darling!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02BANGING
0:03:02 > 0:03:07- Steve?- What? - Thing is, this is a quiet occasion.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- For me and my family. - I am your family!
0:03:09 > 0:03:10You and me are like brothers,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13always ribbing each other, busting each other's gonads...
0:03:13 > 0:03:17- Sorry about that, love. How was your day?- Increasingly disappointing.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I know what you mean. I've been rushed off my feet.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- I've hardly had a chance to... - THUNDER RUMBLES
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- ..wish you a happy birthday! - Thanks, love!
0:03:26 > 0:03:30- I'm so glad you didn't forget. - I would never forget your birthday!
0:03:30 > 0:03:33But if I did, with a new baby and my current workload, it would
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- probably be forgivable.- Would it?
0:03:36 > 0:03:37BABY CRIES
0:03:37 > 0:03:41I'll see to him. Don't you move! Back in a sec, birthday boy.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Mwah!
0:03:43 > 0:03:44BANGING
0:03:50 > 0:03:53THUNDER RUMBLES Here we go...
0:03:53 > 0:03:55ALL: Oh!
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Match point.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Get this and we win. Dale, do not blurt out the answer.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02OK, I just really want to win!
0:04:02 > 0:04:05I know, and if you think you know it - and based on your past form,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07that's highly unlikely - then raise your hand.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Roger that.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- Right...- What's...?
0:04:12 > 0:04:13- Lichfield!- Dale!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- I'm going to have to take his first answer.- Oh, come on!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- All right, last chance.- What's this?
0:04:19 > 0:04:24Is it a card for a certain special someone? Happy birthday, gorgeous.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Thank you!
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Ah.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Lorna, did you get this out of the emergency card drawer in the bedroom?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33What emergency card drawer in the bedroom?
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- "To Ken, congratulations, you passed..."- Read on.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39"..the age of 47."
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Thank you, love, it's perfect.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Do you know what would make this game even more interesting?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49A high-stakes wager.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51- Oh, no.- Your humiliation is enough for me, Steve.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- I don't need to take your money as well.- I don't want your money, Ken.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I want your body.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Get this wrong and you have to join my dojo.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03SHE TITTERS The judo club?!
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- I don't think so.- Hm? - HE MAKES CHICKEN NOISES
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Blaaark, blaark, blaark!
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Blaaark, blaark, blaark, blaark! BLAAARK, BLAARK!
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Go on, OK, if it'll shut you up, I'll take your little bet.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20If we get this wrong - which is highly unlikely
0:05:20 > 0:05:26because it's a blue pie, and I am the maestro of the blue -
0:05:26 > 0:05:30- then I'll join your pathetic little dojo.- And my hot tub club.- No.
0:05:30 > 0:05:36- All right.- However, if - WHEN - we get this right, you will go home.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38For ever. SHE GASPS
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Deal.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- Yes!- Right, the bet is on!
0:05:48 > 0:05:49HE BREATHES DEEPLY
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- The question is...- Yes?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- Nervous?- No.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00What animal comes after a horse in the Chinese calendar?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Oh, bollocks!
0:06:02 > 0:06:04MUFFLED SHOUTING
0:06:04 > 0:06:06SHOUTING CONTINUES
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Ha! I know this one, guys!
0:06:08 > 0:06:12- You've said that every single time. - I know, but I lived in China, Ken.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I know the language, the culture,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I know when they put the bins out - it's Thursday.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20And more than that, I know I can get this answer,
0:06:20 > 0:06:24because it's linked to the most incredible experience of my life.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27'I was travelling across the Far East
0:06:27 > 0:06:30'and found myself in the great city of Shanghai.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32'I needed to get a job,
0:06:32 > 0:06:37'so I spent my last few yuan on a Teach Yourself Mandarin CD.'
0:06:37 > 0:06:40WOMAN SPEAKS MANDARIN
0:06:40 > 0:06:42HE REPEATS
0:06:42 > 0:06:46'I tell you, the Chinese do not like it when you ask for work.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48'They get super upset.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51'I was hungry and penniless.'
0:06:51 > 0:06:53KNOCK ON DOOR
0:06:53 > 0:06:55'But fate was about to...'
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Fascinating as this is, Dale, can you please just tell us an answer?!
0:06:58 > 0:06:59I'm just about to, Chief Ken.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02He's stalling, thinking I'll give something away.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Well, he's wrong, I can sit like this for hours.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Yeah, let's not put that to the test. Quick as you can, please, Dale.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- We are on a tight schedule. - Oh, shut up, Dad, I'm into this.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Because after this, it's The Dambusters, so...
0:07:12 > 0:07:16We would be playing Trivial Pursuit in German if it wasn't for The Dambusters!
0:07:16 > 0:07:20- You might like to think about that, young lady.- (Take your time, Dale.)
0:07:20 > 0:07:25So, I was in my apartment, when there was a knock at the door.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27KNOCK ON DOOR
0:07:27 > 0:07:29HE SPEAKS CANTONESE
0:07:32 > 0:07:33Whoa! Slow down, buddy!
0:07:33 > 0:07:36IN CANTONESE:
0:07:36 > 0:07:38SIREN WAILS
0:07:38 > 0:07:41'I guessed he made a delivery to the wrong address.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45'I decided to keep it safe until he came back.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48'Then I noticed something really weird.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53'Each duck had a bag of white powder hidden inside.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56'I didn't know what it was, so I piled them neatly together
0:07:56 > 0:07:58'and waited.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01'And waited...
0:08:01 > 0:08:02'And waited.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05'I hadn't eaten a proper meal in days.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08'I didn't want the guy to get in trouble,
0:08:08 > 0:08:10'so I didn't touch a single duck.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13'It was late and soon I fell asleep.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18'When I woke up... they were in my room!'
0:08:18 > 0:08:21- MEN SPEAK MANDARIN - 'I didn't catch all of what they were saying,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24'but it was something to do with money and laundering.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28'That's when I realised, duck is so messy to eat that they
0:08:28 > 0:08:33'included washing powder, so people could launder their tablecloths after.'
0:08:33 > 0:08:37- Washing powder! - Yeah! Considerate, right?
0:08:37 > 0:08:38HE TITTERS
0:08:38 > 0:08:41The laundry guys were so pleased I didn't touch their merchandise,
0:08:41 > 0:08:45they asked if I was interested in a career in business.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50'The next night, their boss came around to meet me. This was Mr Xi.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- 'A gangster?- Yes, Chief Ken.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56'Although there was no way to tell that at the time.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03'And behind Mr Xi, there she was, his daughter...
0:09:03 > 0:09:04'Ling.'
0:09:06 > 0:09:10'She was without doubt the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14'Not just beautiful, but mysterious and amazing...'
0:09:14 > 0:09:17You know what, Dad's right - maybe you could just skip this stuff.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- Oh, but Ling is the reason I know the answer.- Oh.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- Well, Ling and the chicken. - The chicken?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Is that the answer, the year of the chicken?
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Wrong! I win! Yes! Come on!
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- That was not an answer, I was conferring with Dale.- Yeah!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33It's not the year of the chicken.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Actually the chicken is kind of a surprise in the story.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- Forget I mentioned the chicken. - Just get on with it!
0:09:38 > 0:09:41So I'll just skip all the stuff at Ling being
0:09:41 > 0:09:43so beautiful I forgot how to breathe?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I mean...
0:09:47 > 0:09:51First time I saw Connie was at a debate on capital punishment.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56I was, er, pro-electric chair and she was - typical Connie, really -
0:09:56 > 0:09:58pro-hanging.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00We compromised on lethal injection.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04Life was...much simpler then.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Fuckin' hell.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12HE BELCHES QUIETLY
0:10:12 > 0:10:16Anyways, um, so Mr Xi had come to offer me a job.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22'Before I could join their family business, I had to pass a test.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26'They placed a strange object on the table.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31- 'It looked like a cage, but what animal could be inside?- A chicken?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35'It was a chick... Oh, gosh darn it, Dale!
0:10:35 > 0:10:39'Anyways, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42'All I knew was that the chicken was super sacred to them.'
0:10:46 > 0:10:47I got it.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52WATER RUNS
0:10:55 > 0:11:00Hi, Mr Chicken! Are you thirsty? I got you water!
0:11:00 > 0:11:02DALE LAUGHS IDIOTICALLY
0:11:02 > 0:11:03MR XI SPEAKS MANDARIN
0:11:03 > 0:11:05'This did not go down well.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10LOUD GRUNTING
0:11:20 > 0:11:22What?
0:11:22 > 0:11:23This?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- HE CHUCKLES - I got this about three years ago when I was part of a cult.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32I thought it was all above board,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35but it turns out it was quite a dangerous organisation.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Can you imagine?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40'It turned out the Chinese really love triangles!
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- 'Super lucky, huh? - HE TITTERS
0:11:43 > 0:11:47'But what happens next was even more incredible.'
0:11:48 > 0:11:52I'm going for a slash. That home-brew has gone right through me.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56- And you won't be needing this. - Not going to cheat, Steve!
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Not now you're not.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Right, I'm going to google the answers so we can get rid of him.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06- Relax, Chief Ken, I got this!- Yes. But just in case, where's my phone.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I've got that too.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Who wants a beer?- Yeah, go on. - That would be nice, actually.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Maybe with a slice of birthday cake.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Did you...get a cake?
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Tsk!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Ken, I am on it!
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- Ken?- What?! - Is your phone waterproof?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Oh, God...
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Are you all right, Mum?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I hid some Jaffa Cakes somewhere when I was pregnant.
0:12:37 > 0:12:42- Maybe if I stick a candle in one of them.- I dunno, maybe.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46- SHE SIGHS - Oh, Rach, have I become one of those high-powered
0:12:46 > 0:12:49career women that puts their job before their family?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51You know what, I think you're OK.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58Work's mad. And I'm getting out of sync with your dad. And Sid.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03And you. I mean, how are you, Rach? How's your job with Nina?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Well, Nina's mental, obviously.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08I think, if I could change one thing, though, it would be Dale
0:13:08 > 0:13:12constantly going on about his passionate love for another woman.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15I wouldn't worry too much about that. I mean...
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- Dale punched that bloke Freddie, didn't he?- Mm.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- He's obviously got feelings for you deep down.- Annoyingly deep down.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28Look...you're here, she's not. It's like property, isn't it?
0:13:28 > 0:13:32She's not taken possession. You're squatting on her man.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34And if you hang on long enough...
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I'll get to squat on him for ever.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- Mum...that's such a bad metaphor. - Yeah, eugh!
0:13:42 > 0:13:44HAIRDRYER DRONES
0:13:44 > 0:13:48A decent phone should be waterproof up to 50 metres.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49- Turn it off!- What?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51TURN IT OFF!
0:13:51 > 0:13:52HE TURNS IT OFF
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- Should I continue my story now? - Oh, God, yes!- OK.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03'So Mr Xi had seen my triangle tattoo
0:14:03 > 0:14:06'and he took this as a sign of good luck.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10'He decided to give me another chance to join the family business.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20'There was a long red scar going right across his chest.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23'Mr Xi pointed to the scar and said...'
0:14:23 > 0:14:27How...did I...get this?
0:14:30 > 0:14:34'I looked at the others, but they were giving nothing away.'
0:14:41 > 0:14:43THUNDER RUMBLES
0:14:43 > 0:14:47So Mr Xi said I had 20 questions to guess how he got his scar.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Get it right and he'd let me
0:14:48 > 0:14:51join his close-knit community of businessmen.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Get it wrong, he'd remove my skin.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Dale! What were you thinking??
0:14:56 > 0:15:00- I was thinking, if I'm going to be a businessman, I should probably buy a suit.- Mm. Yes. Mm.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02BABY CRIES
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Lorn, can you see to him?
0:15:09 > 0:15:10I'll be right back.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Time for a refill.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20So, Ling was in the room, but she was ignoring you.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Yeah, but it just made her that much more mysterious.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Mysterious slash unhelpful.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29- Unhelpful?- Yeah.- Ling?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Yeah, I guess you don't really know Ling
0:15:31 > 0:15:34or you would understand how funny that is!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37But, yeah, when I go back to China, you should totally come meet her.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Yeah, are you going back?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I mean, have you heard from her yet?
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Not... Not yet.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44But I guess the post is kind of slow from China.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- She could phone or e-mail, couldn't she?- Yeah, she will.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Just when the timing's right, you know?
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Dale, I don't...
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Guess how I got my scar.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Steve! I've no idea.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Little bugger won't settle.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57I'll take him.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Right, what did I miss?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I'm just trying to guess how Steve got his scar.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Oh, God. Put your shirt back on.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07It was a mole. I removed it myself.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Bloody agony.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10So, come on.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11- How did it end?- Oh.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17So, I had 20 questions to guess how Mr Xi got the scar.
0:16:20 > 0:16:25I sat cross-legged on the floor as Ling served us green tea.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Mr Xi was super fussy about his tea
0:16:35 > 0:16:39and would only drink it when it was two degrees off boiling point.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Argh!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Only then could I ask a question
0:16:46 > 0:16:49and try to solve the riddle of the scar.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I was only allowed one question per night,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55which, at first, I found very difficult.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Do you want any milk with your tea?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Did you get it in a fight?
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Did you have an operation?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Are you sure you didn't want any milk with your tea?
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Argh!
0:17:45 > 0:17:49From that night on, seeing her became the highlight of my day.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I started delaying asking the question
0:17:51 > 0:17:53so I could be around her for longer.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Night by night, I turned the whole thing into an elaborate show.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04They seemed to like it,
0:18:04 > 0:18:06especially Ling, who would clap and laugh.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10HE SPEAKS MANDARIN
0:18:11 > 0:18:15But, all too soon, the time would come to ask the question
0:18:15 > 0:18:18and, all too soon, I'd get it wrong.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Did you work in a circus?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Has anybody got a towel?
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Lorn, where have you been?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- Tesco.- Tesco? It's a force-ten gale outside.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36I know, but look! A cake!
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- Oh.- I mean, it's a bit weather-beaten, but...
0:18:39 > 0:18:43I think I can put this back together.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Bloody seal's jammed again.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Seem to have run out of nappies.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Oh, yeah. Don't worry, chief Ken. I'll have this together in no time.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51BABY CRIES
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- Come on!- We could still put some meringues on it!
0:18:53 > 0:18:54I can't seem to find any. Mum!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Don't you worry, chief Ken. I'll have this cake together in no time.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I know we've got some candles somewhere.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- BABY CRIES - Come on!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03EVERYONE SPEAKS AT ONCE
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Right! That's it!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18My birthday is now officially over.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25KNOCK ON DOOR
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Oh.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Just confirming that a refusal to answer counts as a wrong answer,
0:19:34 > 0:19:36in which case I win the bet.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Go away.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39You're not serious.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42It's no way to treat your best mate.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Come on, Steve.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45You're not my best mate. You never were.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Wow.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51That... Wow.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52I didn't see that coming.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56I can handle Connie leaving me
0:19:56 > 0:19:58again.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01I can accept my kids not wanting to take my calls.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I can even deal
0:20:03 > 0:20:05with my sensei blanking me...
0:20:07 > 0:20:08..in Lidl.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10But this...
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- Look, let's just go home.- Hold me!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- Get off me!- I've had no physical intimacy since Connie left me again.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19I need to be held.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Ooh. Oh.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Oh. Oh.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28We're still best mates, aren't we?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Uh-huh.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34He's coming. He's coming.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Everybody!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38# For he's a jolly good fellow
0:20:38 > 0:20:41# For he's a jolly good fellow
0:20:41 > 0:20:45# For he's a jolly good fellow
0:20:45 > 0:20:48# And so say all of us! #
0:20:48 > 0:20:49THEY CHEER
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Make a wish!
0:20:52 > 0:20:53OK.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54I wish that you would finish your story
0:20:54 > 0:20:56so that I can get to bed.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59You got it, birthday boy.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03And so it all hinges on the last night.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09I'd used up all my goes
0:21:09 > 0:21:12and now Mr Xi needed a final answer.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Guess correctly and I'd join the family business.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Guess wrong and I would have to make my way in life with no head.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23I had no clue what to say
0:21:23 > 0:21:26and I racked my brain for inspiration.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29What could cause a scar like that?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I'd heard him say he'd grown up by the sea
0:21:35 > 0:21:38and that he would often go swimming there.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47You answer now.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53She mouthed the words "Stin ree,"
0:21:53 > 0:21:55which I think means "Good luck."
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Yes! Yeah, all right.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04I'm ready to give my answer.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08It has something to do
0:22:08 > 0:22:09with the ocean.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Something very dangerous.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15You...
0:22:16 > 0:22:18..got your scar...
0:22:20 > 0:22:22..waterskiing!
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Yeah.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I'd guessed correctly
0:22:34 > 0:22:36and Mr Xi was as good as his word.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39The next day, I was officially welcomed into the family
0:22:39 > 0:22:41and made a delivery boy.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48So I learned a valuable lesson that day.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51In fact, I learned 12 of them which I will now explain.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52- First lesson...- No.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Enough is enough.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Steve, ask the question.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Here we go. Get this right and you win the bet.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03Get this wrong and the Lichfield Mixed Martial Arts Centre
0:23:03 > 0:23:06gets a 6'8" white belt with a heart of gold.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Just get on with it.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11OK, so, what animal comes after the horse in the Chinese calendar?
0:23:19 > 0:23:20The monkey!
0:23:21 > 0:23:23It's wrong.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25It's... It's the goat.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- What?- The goat!
0:23:27 > 0:23:30How about that! It's the goat!
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- So what was the point of that story? - There was a moral, chief Ken.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Did not see it?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Sometimes, you've just got to guess.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Well, thank you, Confucius!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46So judo is Tuesdays and Thursday night in the Scout hut.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Thursdays is full contact, so you have to pad up.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- Go home.- Before that, I'm going to have to come round
0:23:51 > 0:23:53and just test your reactions.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Just really to see what kind of fighting skills you have.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58I'm sensing probably quite a low level,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01but, don't worry, I'll take you through it.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10I've got something for you.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12It's not curry, is it?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Not this time of night, you great trougher!
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Lorn! An evening with Simon Schama!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23It's in London next month.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I thought we could make a weekend of it.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Thank you.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Oh. So no Dambusters, then?
0:24:30 > 0:24:35Yeah. Survived the Nazis, killed by a bellend.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Guess what, guys! I got a surprise!
0:24:38 > 0:24:41I felt really bad about earlier, so I got another cake.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Also, the guy in the shop said, if we're having a party,
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- we could use some of these things.- Whoo!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48That's really nice, Dale,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50but I think we should all probably head to bed.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51- Dad!- Oh, Ken.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55What sort of cake is it?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- White chocolate.- Good. - I'll get some plates.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06What?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I don't know. It's just...
0:25:08 > 0:25:10My whole life, I've been a part of different families,
0:25:10 > 0:25:12each with their own way of doing things.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Vashradi told us to intercourse with aliens,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Mr Xi chopped peoples' tongues off for telling lies,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21and you like your dishwasher on economy cycle.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24It's hard to tell who's got it right.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25I do know this -
0:25:25 > 0:25:27the only place I've ever felt at home
0:25:27 > 0:25:29is right here.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Well, It's very sweet, Dale,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33but I am British, so take it down a notch.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35You've really been like a dad to me, Chief Ken.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Maybe a notch more.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39I'm going to miss you when I go back to China.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- No. Not that.- OK.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47DOORBELL RINGS
0:25:49 > 0:25:51She did get me a curry!
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Ah!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58- Argh!- Argh!