0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:11 > 0:00:16# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:16 > 0:00:21# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:35# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21
0:00:35 > 0:00:40# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
0:00:40 > 0:00:43# So who do you think
0:00:43 > 0:00:46# You are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:46 > 0:00:51# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:52 > 0:00:55< Left, right, left, right, left, right!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Come along now, keep it up. Forward!
0:00:58 > 0:01:03- Left, right, left, right. Up, up! - THEY GRUNT
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Keep it up!
0:01:05 > 0:01:10Left, right, left, right. Get 'em up, Godfrey!
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Platoon, halt! Right, stand straight.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Keep still, Jones.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21The spirit is willing, but my body's slung it in.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Stand at ease.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Before we fall down... before we fall out,
0:01:29 > 0:01:31one or two things...
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I want to say to you...
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Why not sit down?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39No...I'll be quite all right.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I'll just go and get my notes.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Can the men have a breather while you get them?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Very well, if you think they need it.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Oh, dear me.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- Are you all right, sir? - Perfectly, thank you.- Good.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Those men are out of condition.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12You'll have to take them on cross-country runs.
0:02:12 > 0:02:17- I shall enjoy that. - What's that in your hand?
0:02:17 > 0:02:23- It's a little magazine - it's called the Hotspur.- The Hotspur?
0:02:23 > 0:02:31There are plenty of training pamphlets to read, without resorting to children's magazines!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I was reading this. It's in Frank's handwriting.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Show me.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40It's an article about the Home Guard - rather amusing.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Rather amusing?- Yes, amusing.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45It's disgraceful!
0:02:45 > 0:02:52Look here, I'm going to nip this sort of thing in the bud. Get them on parade.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Sir.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Three ranks.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Fall in! Three ranks, like the sergeant says!
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Fall in, like the sergeant says!
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Fall in, three ranks!
0:03:08 > 0:03:11We've fallen in, sir.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Thank you, Jones. ATTENTION!
0:03:17 > 0:03:22- At ease. Hurry, Jones... - HE STAMPS - That's better.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Private Pike?
0:03:26 > 0:03:31- What's this?- Where did you get that? - Never mind - what is it?
0:03:31 > 0:03:36An article I'm writing for a competition. How did you get it?
0:03:36 > 0:03:42- It was in your Hotspur.- You've no right! I haven't read my Hotspur yet!
0:03:42 > 0:03:46I'm supposed to have the Hotspur before Sgt Wilson!
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- I glanced at it. - I always have it next!
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Be quiet, all of you!
0:03:54 > 0:03:59Now, I want Sgt Wilson to read it... aloud.
0:03:59 > 0:04:04- The Hotspur? - No, no, the article! Read it aloud.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05It's private!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Silence! Carry on.
0:04:07 > 0:04:15Right, sir. "My name...my name is Frank Pike. I'm a private in the Home Guard."
0:04:15 > 0:04:17That's G-U-A-R-D.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Never mind!
0:04:19 > 0:04:24"Us lads will spot parachutists who land in our district,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27"especially if they land in a pub!
0:04:27 > 0:04:32"The other night we made sure there were no parachutists
0:04:32 > 0:04:35"in 11 pubs in 2 hours.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39"By then we were all...souzzled."
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- SOZZLED!- Be quiet!
0:04:41 > 0:04:47- "The sergeant's my uncle - I can do what I like with him"!- Disgraceful!
0:04:47 > 0:04:51- "The officer's an old..." - We've heard enough!
0:04:51 > 0:04:57Pike, I'm not going to go into your shameful conduct in writing this.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I expect you feel pretty rotten.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02HE MOUTHS
0:05:02 > 0:05:05What concerns me is the subject.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10Stories like this are told by comedians on the wireless.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16And it's quite untrue.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19My unit...
0:05:19 > 0:05:23..is a hand-picked band of ruthless fighting men.
0:05:25 > 0:05:33Since I've been in command I've done my best to set an example in sobriety and devotion to duty.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37I don't want any more stories about four-ale bars.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41There's no need to be downcast or trodden about it.
0:05:41 > 0:05:47Soldiers and drink have always gone together - like chalk and cheese.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51I don't see why my men should be swilling about in beer.
0:05:51 > 0:05:58In the Sudan we drank arak. Half a pint and you didn't know if you were coming or going.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01We didn't do a lot of either, so it didn't matter.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06All right, all right. I want to make it quite clear.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11Never again do I want to hear stories about my men drinking.
0:06:12 > 0:06:19Right. Now, the Home Guard officers of the district are throwing a sherry party
0:06:19 > 0:06:25for local civil dignitaries, and the officers of surrounding units.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I have offered to be the host...
0:06:31 > 0:06:33I've offered to be the host.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38That offer has been accepted.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40We shall be using this hall,
0:06:40 > 0:06:46and Corporal Jones's section will volunteer to provide stewards.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Sir!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Bring them into the office.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Come on, my section.
0:06:52 > 0:06:59- Private Sponge.- Sir? - Patrol from the gasworks to the novelty rock emporium.- Sir.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- And no drinking!- Not a drop will touch our lips.- Fine.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06We'll get straws!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Now, are we all here?
0:07:09 > 0:07:14- All except Frazer. He's interviewing a client in Eastbourne.- Mr Croxton.
0:07:14 > 0:07:22Croxton? Well, he's likely to be delayed for some time. Old Croxton's a bit of a chatterbox.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25He won't chatter in the box Frazer's put him in.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29That joke's in rather bad taste, Jones.
0:07:30 > 0:07:37Put Frazer down for steward. He can serve drinks. Jones, you'll be on the door.
0:07:37 > 0:07:44I'll be on the door, and when the people come in, I'll ask them their names, and tell them who they are.
0:07:46 > 0:07:52- Shall I be in charge of the cloakroom? - That's a very good idea, Godfrey.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- Can I help serve drinks? - You're too young.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00- And me, sir?- Oh... just try to look pleasant.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Sgt Wilson should play the piano. That's pleasant.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Oh, no, no, Jonesy. I'm really not good enough.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Sgt Wilson's playing would add tone.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Very well, play, Wilson. Not very loudly.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19What's this about you wanting the hall on Wednesday?
0:08:19 > 0:08:20I need it!
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I need it for an important military purpose.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26You're just having a booze-up!
0:08:26 > 0:08:27No!
0:08:27 > 0:08:31It's my night for it. I'm exercising my prerogative.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34It IS his night. He's within his rights.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I'll deal with it.
0:08:36 > 0:08:42I must have it. It's an important meeting between army officers and civic dignitaries.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I haven't been invited!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I'm not a nobody! I'm a bigwig here!
0:08:48 > 0:08:53Surely you were intending to invite Mr Hodges, Mr Mainwaring?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Well, I suppose...
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Yes, of course.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I like a party. Any women?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02No, no women.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Never mind, we'll have a few jars and a knees-up!
0:09:06 > 0:09:10A knees-up!? This is a dignified social occasion.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Yes, with musical cocktails and cucumber sandwiches.
0:09:14 > 0:09:20They make you belch, don't they? Thanks. You can have the hall.
0:09:20 > 0:09:26It's settled! Have a good evening. You haven't invited HIM!
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Ah... You'll be very welcome, of course, Vicar.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I'll look forward to it.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35YOU'RE not coming!
0:09:37 > 0:09:43That's settled. Jones, take your section and resume normal training.
0:09:43 > 0:09:48Sir. My section! Normal training, resume, in the hall. Go!
0:09:48 > 0:09:55Sir, my sister Dolly makes very nice cucumber sandwiches, very dainty.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Should she do some?
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- Thank you, Godfrey. - She will be pleased.
0:10:02 > 0:10:10Fine man, that. They all are. There's nobody I'd rather have at my side when the balloon goes up.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15Yes, sir. Weren't you a tiny bit harsh about the pubs?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- No.- No?- No...I don't think so.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22It happens to be something I feel very strongly about.
0:10:22 > 0:10:28It's the way I was brought up. My father was a member of the Master Tailors' Guild.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Was he?
0:10:30 > 0:10:35They don't drink while they're sewing, I suppose.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37No...
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Of course they don't, no.
0:10:41 > 0:10:46He'd have a sherry on festive occasions - join in the fun.
0:10:46 > 0:10:52But all my family were the same. They all knew when to stop.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27NORTHERN ACCENT: That's better.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29TRAIN CLANKS TO A HALT
0:11:30 > 0:11:34GUARD: Eastbourne! Eastbourne!
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Been to a funeral?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I happen to be an undertaker!
0:12:07 > 0:12:10You've got the right mush for it!
0:12:10 > 0:12:15And I've got the right fist to flatten that red nose of yours!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18No, no...don't be like that.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Here - have a drink.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23No.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28I never touch it when I'm going on a professional call.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Pity. It's real Scotch.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Well, I'm coming back from a professional call,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38so I'll accept your offer. Slainte!
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Don't mind me. I say what I think, you know.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Tell the truth and shame the devil, that's me.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56In your job you need a sour, miserable face.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58We do indeed.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03I mean...I mean, you LOOK like an undertaker.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Now, I need a happy face in my profession.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12I'm a traveller. And I'm not travelling
0:13:12 > 0:13:14in Scotch either!
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Guess what I'm travelling in.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20No idea.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Oh? Put it there!
0:13:24 > 0:13:25BUZZ!
0:13:29 > 0:13:34You've got it. Jokes. Carnival novelties.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Smell this!
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Smell this.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Mainwaring's the name.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49< Barry Mainwaring. Mainwaring?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Was your father a master tailor in Eastbourne?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Master tailor?
0:13:57 > 0:14:05I say, that's good! He had a little draper's shop with workmen's clothes hanging up outside!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Is that a fact?
0:14:07 > 0:14:15Then could you be in any way related to George Mainwaring, the bank manager?
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Old Po-face?
0:14:18 > 0:14:19My brother.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23You don't say?!
0:14:23 > 0:14:30I'm going to see him now. I haven't worked the south coast for 15 years. I've been up north.
0:14:30 > 0:14:35So I thought I'd just drop by - surprise him.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38He'll be pleased to see you?
0:14:38 > 0:14:43I very much doubt it. Especially when he knows what I've come for.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Is that...? Fancy!
0:14:46 > 0:14:51I've no wish to poke my nose into your private affairs,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54but why's that?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59I'll tell you. Just a minute.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13When my father died...
0:15:13 > 0:15:20I'd looked after him, right up to the finish. He hadn't much to leave, cos he'd always liked a few.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24But I'd always admired...
0:15:25 > 0:15:28..a gold half-hunter watch he had.
0:15:28 > 0:15:34He used to wear in on a chain across his waistcoat, you know?
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Anyway,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41when he popped off,
0:15:41 > 0:15:45old Po-face comes up and says, "I'm having that watch!"
0:15:47 > 0:15:53Well, with the old man kicking the bucket like that, I was a bit upset.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57I'd had a few - I don't mind admitting that.
0:15:57 > 0:16:05Before I knew what was happening, before it dawned on me what was going on, old Po-face had nicked it!
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Never!
0:16:07 > 0:16:11Oh, yes, true as I'm standing on this station!
0:16:14 > 0:16:15So...
0:16:15 > 0:16:20I've taken a room at the Red Lion, and I'm going down to see him!
0:16:20 > 0:16:27Hold on, I'll be seeing him as soon as the train stops. I'll tell him you're coming.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Will you? Will you do that?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Of course!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34It will be my pleasure!
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I'm grateful.
0:16:36 > 0:16:43You should have seen Mainwaring's face when I told him I'd met his brother...
0:16:43 > 0:16:45..drunk!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47He must have been shocked.
0:16:47 > 0:16:55Maybe aye, maybe no. I've always said there was bad blood in that family, and I was right.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58They're boozers, the lot of them - boozers!
0:16:58 > 0:17:05My sister Dolly won't have drink in the house, except her own parsnip wine.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09I tried it once - I fell over.
0:17:09 > 0:17:16The last time Uncle Arthur had one over the eight, Mum got ever so angry with him.
0:17:16 > 0:17:21He chased her round the house, trying to tickle her and make her laugh.
0:17:21 > 0:17:26She gave him a black eye and locked him in the coal shed.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28D'you know something else?
0:17:28 > 0:17:34Mainwaring's father was no more a master tailor than I am!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36He was a draper,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39a common wee draper!
0:17:39 > 0:17:46There's nothing wrong with being from humble stock. My father was a humble butcher.
0:17:46 > 0:17:51He didn't have a sign saying, "High class butcher, families waited on."
0:17:51 > 0:17:56He couldn't wait on families because he had no fridge!
0:17:56 > 0:18:00He had to sell stuff quick before it went off.
0:18:00 > 0:18:08Couldn't afford proper sawdust. He had second-hand stuff. All mingy old sawdust with tin-tacks and that.
0:18:08 > 0:18:13He was a God-fearing man - he had quite a nice time!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I'll tell ye something else.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21According to his brother, our Capt Mainwaring is no more than...
0:18:22 > 0:18:24..a thief!
0:18:24 > 0:18:28I'm sorry, I really can't believe that!
0:18:29 > 0:18:34I'd give a whole pound to be there when they meet.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37He really does sound quite a character.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42He certainly is! The sooner he's out of Walmington, the happier I'll be.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45It's not that I'm ashamed of him...
0:18:45 > 0:18:48We've both had the same upbringing,
0:18:48 > 0:18:55- but he's just let his talents go to waste. - ..While YOU got on, so to speak.
0:18:57 > 0:19:03- Wilson, I want you, if you can, to picture two boys.- Yes.
0:19:03 > 0:19:08One is popular, good at games - hail-fellow-well-met!
0:19:08 > 0:19:15- The other is shy, lonely, standing in the corner of the playground, alone.- Yes.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18That one was me.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I see, yes.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Sort of hail-fellow-well-met?
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- No, the one alone in the playground.- Ah.
0:19:27 > 0:19:32Later, of course, he was surrounded by girls - the laughing crowd.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36- And I was left with my books.- Yes.
0:19:36 > 0:19:42While he was getting sozzled, I was getting a clear brain and a sharp eye.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47- I used to take a cold bath every morning.- Did you really?
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I expect THAT cleared the brain!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Oh, yes, yes.
0:19:53 > 0:19:59That way of life was fitting me for what I've become today -
0:19:59 > 0:20:02respected, trustworthy,
0:20:02 > 0:20:08able unashamedly to look the whole world full in the face.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13- PHONE RINGS - Excuse me. Hello? Yes...yes.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15I think it's your brother, sir.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17I'm busy!
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Can I help you at all? What?
0:20:20 > 0:20:24He says he wants to speak to somebody called Po-face.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28What?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30No...look...
0:20:30 > 0:20:35He says if you're not here, he'll see you tomorrow at the bank.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- Shall I say 10:30? - No, I'm busy all day!
0:20:40 > 0:20:43I'm sorry, he's tied up all day.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45'I'll come round to his house.'
0:20:45 > 0:20:48No! Elizabeth would have a fit!
0:20:48 > 0:20:55- 'Better still, I'll come over and watch him play soldiers!' - Why not do that?
0:20:55 > 0:20:59No, Wilson! It's the night of the sherry party!
0:20:59 > 0:21:04Tell him I'll go to the Red Lion tomorrow and see him.
0:21:04 > 0:21:10Are you there? He'll come round tomorrow to the Red Lion to see you.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Mind the carpet. It's a bit worn. It's the war.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24I'd better make sure he's in a fit state.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- What name?- Just say it's a friend.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29A friend? I see.
0:21:33 > 0:21:39MAID: 'Ere, wake up! Somebody to see you - a man. He says he's a friend.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43BARRY: Tell him to go and boil his head.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47MAID SHRIEKS: Oh! Let go! Give over!
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- He's awake.- Obviously.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- You can go in now.- Thank you.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00- A shilling for you. - Oh, thank you, sir.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Oh! It's YOU. I thought it might be.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Well, Barry - it's been a long time.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Fifteen years.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16By the looks of you, you haven't changed.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Neither have you, Po-face!
0:22:20 > 0:22:25What do you want? If it's money you've come for, you're out of luck.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29All right, keep your rag on.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32D'you want a drink?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34No, thanks.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Please yerself.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41I should have thought 5:30 in the afternoon was early, even for YOU.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Po-face!
0:22:45 > 0:22:54Look at you - rolled umbrella, striped trousers, pot-hat. You've got on, haven't you?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I'm the branch manager.
0:23:02 > 0:23:07Put your hand in the till when you get a bit short, do you?
0:23:07 > 0:23:13Don't be ridiculous! I have an important affair to see to at 7:30.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18An important affair?! Is she blonde?
0:23:18 > 0:23:24How dare you! It's a sherry party for officers and civic dignitaries.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29- Don't get drunk. It runs in the family.- It certainly does not!
0:23:29 > 0:23:33It does in MY bloody branch!
0:23:34 > 0:23:39Hey, I'll give you a story - a story to tell them at the party.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44There's this chemist's shop. He had a girl assistant behind the counter.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49- A fella comes in... - I have to leave in five minutes.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Tell me, what have you come for?
0:23:54 > 0:23:58- I've come for that watch. - You're not having it.
0:23:58 > 0:24:04You know Dad wanted me to have that watch for looking after him.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08All you did was pour whisky down his throat.
0:24:08 > 0:24:13It kept him happy. You sat on the end of his bed looking miserable.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I told him jokes! He loved a joke.
0:24:18 > 0:24:23He laughed when I told him about you and that girl from the sweet factory.
0:24:23 > 0:24:30- She was the assistant manageress. - Was she hell-as-like! She was a rock puller!
0:24:32 > 0:24:37She'd sling a sticky dollop of rock over a hook and pull it.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42She'd sling it over the hook and pull it again.
0:24:42 > 0:24:48When I told him you tried to pull her and she said, "Sling your hook"...
0:24:49 > 0:24:54..he choked on his bismuth, and he was a goner. He died laughing!
0:24:54 > 0:25:00This is beside the point! I've got the watch and I'm sticking to it!
0:25:00 > 0:25:02All right, all right.
0:25:03 > 0:25:08We'll talk about it later. I'll come to the party.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12- You'll do no such thing! - And who'll stop me?
0:25:12 > 0:25:17- I'll have you thrown out. - That would be a nice little scene -
0:25:17 > 0:25:24you standing there all pompous, and me yelling, "Po-face has nicked my watch!"
0:25:24 > 0:25:27"Po-face has nicked my watch!"
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- They'll hear you! - They'll be all right.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39If I let you have it, do you swear you'll be on that 9:30 train?
0:25:43 > 0:25:49As a commercial traveller and a gentleman, I give you my word.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Don't pull the chain too hard, you'll flush yourself!
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Just be on that 9:30 train.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Don't take any tin money.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11To think that you've come to this.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Let's look at your hands. Good, clean as a whistle.
0:26:24 > 0:26:29What's all that purple stuff on your hands, Pike?
0:26:29 > 0:26:33No need to worry about that - it's a gob-stopper. Look.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Get rid of it before Capt Mainwaring sees you.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41When he came back from meeting his brother,
0:26:41 > 0:26:48he fair bit my head off just because I asked him to tell me the time by his watch.
0:26:49 > 0:26:55- Will we meet his brother? - I don't think he's been invited.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59For goodness sake, Godfrey, have you lost your wits?
0:26:59 > 0:27:04Mainwaring's brother is the black sheep of the family.
0:27:04 > 0:27:11If he comes to the party, Mainwaring will be exposed to the world as a fraud.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Did ye hear me? EXPOSED to the world!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I hope there are enough sandwiches.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Left, right,
0:27:20 > 0:27:23left, right - halt!
0:27:23 > 0:27:27I'm sorry I'm late, but I've been killing my moths.
0:27:27 > 0:27:32- This is my announcing suit. - You look very smart, Jones.
0:27:32 > 0:27:39- Where's Capt Mainwaring? - He's escorting the general. We'd better get to our positions.
0:27:39 > 0:27:46I'll go over there by the piano. You start announcing the guests. All right?
0:27:46 > 0:27:51Here we are! Blimey, what's going on here - old folk's clinic?!
0:27:51 > 0:27:58You're supposed to come through the front entrance and I announce you.
0:27:58 > 0:28:03- We know who we are! Where's the booze?- We haven't started yet.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Cucumber sandwich?
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Yes! Very nice, ta.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Mm, lovely. Mm!
0:28:14 > 0:28:16They're tasty!
0:28:16 > 0:28:19I say, how delicious!
0:28:27 > 0:28:29They're all right, they are! Mm!
0:28:29 > 0:28:33Only two left. Pity to waste them.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Go and get some more.
0:28:40 > 0:28:47- Mainwaring's brother is coming! - What?!- He'll be exposed! I knew it!
0:28:48 > 0:28:52That's a silly place to leave a fire-bucket!
0:28:52 > 0:28:55HE SINGS DRUNKENLY
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Who's drawn these curtains?
0:29:00 > 0:29:05- Hello. Good evening, everybody. Is this the party?- Excuse me,
0:29:05 > 0:29:07could you tell me your name?
0:29:07 > 0:29:11Barry Mainwaring - jokes and carnival novelties.
0:29:13 > 0:29:20M'lords, ladies and gentlemen - Mr Barry Mainwaring, jokes and carnival novelties.
0:29:20 > 0:29:24Is it...is it a fancy dress do?
0:29:24 > 0:29:28You must be Capt Mainwaring's brother. Hello.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31It IS fancy dress! You've come as a vicar.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35Your collar's the wrong way round.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37Never mind...
0:29:37 > 0:29:39..have an exploding cigar.
0:29:39 > 0:29:44He's all tiddly! You've got to do something about him.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47- What can I do? - Go and talk to him.
0:29:47 > 0:29:53How very nice to see you! We spoke to each other on the telephone.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56Oh, yes. You're the one with the posh voice.
0:29:56 > 0:30:03- I gave him a rough time today, so I came round to apologise.- I see.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06You don't apologise to Napoleon!
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Napoleon! Is that what you call him?
0:30:13 > 0:30:17That's very good. You know what I call him? Po-face!
0:30:17 > 0:30:21Po-face! That's good. PO-FACE!
0:30:21 > 0:30:25That just about describes him.
0:30:25 > 0:30:26 That's enough!
0:30:26 > 0:30:30We must do something. He'll show Mr Mainwaring up.
0:30:30 > 0:30:35More guests are arriving. He'll be exposed and ruined!
0:30:35 > 0:30:41- Don't panic! More guests! Keep calm! - All right, Jonesy, all right.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45He might care to wash his hands, or something.
0:30:45 > 0:30:51Good idea! Frank, take him in there. Jonesy, carry on announcing guests.
0:30:51 > 0:30:57There's this chemist shop with a girl assistant at the counter.
0:30:57 > 0:31:01A fella comes into the shop, and he said...
0:31:01 > 0:31:04Come with me. He didn't say that!
0:31:04 > 0:31:07He was just getting to the fruity bit!
0:31:07 > 0:31:10I'm glad he was stopped.
0:31:10 > 0:31:15There's a basin in the corner. I'll get you a towel.
0:31:20 > 0:31:26M'lords, ladies and gentlemen - Captain Doubleday and Major Shoesmith!
0:31:26 > 0:31:28It's CAPTAIN Shoesmith!
0:31:28 > 0:31:33M'lords, ladies and gentlemen - the other way round.
0:31:34 > 0:31:39FRANTIC BANGING Let me out! You've locked the damn door! >
0:31:39 > 0:31:45- Play something! I've got an idea to keep him quiet.- All right.
0:31:45 > 0:31:49- Can you play "In The Mood"? It's popular.- Is it?
0:31:49 > 0:31:54Would you like a cucumber sandwich? My sister Dolly made them.
0:31:54 > 0:31:55Emergency!
0:31:56 > 0:32:01Have one of Mr Godfrey's sandwiches. His sister makes them.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04- Come along, play up!- All right.
0:32:04 > 0:32:09You can have this, but promise to be quiet as a church mouse.
0:32:09 > 0:32:13Here we are, sir. Frazer will take your cap.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16Would you tell me your name, sir?
0:32:16 > 0:32:19Major General Stevens.
0:32:19 > 0:32:25- Would you tell me your name, sir? - Yes, it's Captain... Oh, get on with it!
0:32:29 > 0:32:37M'lords, ladies and gentlemen - Major General Stevens and Captain Mainwaring, Esquire,
0:32:37 > 0:32:40and some other people.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45Hello, Napoleon!
0:32:45 > 0:32:49- Good evening. - I've just met your brother.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51Excuse me.
0:32:51 > 0:32:55- You've what?!- That wiped the smile off your face, Po-face!
0:32:55 > 0:32:59Excuse me! There's nothing to worry about.
0:32:59 > 0:33:04- He's promised to keep quiet in there.- What state was he in?- Drunk.
0:33:04 > 0:33:08There's little chance he'll keep his promise!
0:33:08 > 0:33:13He will, because I bribed him. I gave him a whole bottle of sherry.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18You STUPID boy!
0:33:18 > 0:33:22- What else could I do? - Don't use that tone of voice.
0:33:22 > 0:33:25Frazer! Jones! Get him out of there.
0:33:25 > 0:33:29They'll all see him. You'll be exposed!
0:33:29 > 0:33:32Shove him through the window.
0:33:32 > 0:33:36Rely on us, we'll shove him through the window.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38- Cucumber sandwich?- Go away!
0:33:40 > 0:33:44Play the piano while we push Barry through the window.
0:33:44 > 0:33:48- What do you suggest? - Make it LOUD.
0:33:48 > 0:33:52You go in. I've had a better idea! PIANO PLAYS
0:33:58 > 0:34:02- We'll never get him through there! - We might manage it.
0:34:02 > 0:34:08- We're going to push you through the window.- Is a landlady after me?
0:34:10 > 0:34:13That's it. Heave!
0:34:16 > 0:34:20Tell him to lie sideways. Turn him sideways.
0:34:20 > 0:34:24Pick up, that's it! Straight on. OK, Pikey.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27We've arranged to take some infantry fire,
0:34:27 > 0:34:31- by the crack and thump method... - 'Scuse us!
0:34:31 > 0:34:35- Just getting rid of the empties. - Good, good.
0:34:36 > 0:34:40THEY GRUNT AND GROAN
0:34:42 > 0:34:47It's no good trying him sideways. He's as broad as he's long!
0:34:47 > 0:34:52Is this some sort of parlour game, like "sardines"?
0:34:52 > 0:34:55'Ere, let's put him in this!
0:34:55 > 0:35:01That's an idea! Leave the window, try getting in the cupboard.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Ah! It IS sardines!
0:35:06 > 0:35:10I'm not hiding with HIM. He's an undertaker.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16You're not going to saw me in half, are you?
0:35:16 > 0:35:21We'll bolt it to make sure he can't get out.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24If we all lift at the same time...
0:35:26 > 0:35:29Who's the next one in?
0:35:30 > 0:35:32Give me the hammer.
0:35:33 > 0:35:41If you know the formula, you can work out the distance between you and the chap shooting at you...
0:35:41 > 0:35:44LOUD HAMMERING What's that noise?
0:35:44 > 0:35:49- That's Wilson playing the piano. That's enough, Wilson...- Pardon?
0:35:49 > 0:35:53- I mean the hammering. - Oh! Excuse me, sir.
0:35:54 > 0:35:58- Find out what's happening in there.- Right.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00Ha! That's it.
0:36:00 > 0:36:04- HE SINGS - Come on.- Come on.
0:36:04 > 0:36:09My turn again, is it? Soon comes round, doesn't it?
0:36:10 > 0:36:12Come on, Wilson.
0:36:12 > 0:36:17When I say lift, we all lift. Ready? LIFT!
0:36:19 > 0:36:21He's not very heavy!
0:36:21 > 0:36:25It's easy when we all pull together.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27Come on, let's get on with it.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30Hey! Look!
0:36:30 > 0:36:33He doesn't look after his boots.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36Put him down.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42What floor is this, then?
0:36:43 > 0:36:48I hope your men aren't damaging that dressing room.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51We heard some strange noises.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54It's just a little domestic matter.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58The captain's putting a brave face on it (!)
0:36:58 > 0:37:00Excuse me, I'm discussing tactics.
0:37:00 > 0:37:08- You have a brave face as well as another sort of face (!) - Well done! Well done, chaps.
0:37:08 > 0:37:13- My chaps are doing some clearing up. - Getting rid of empties, eh?
0:37:13 > 0:37:16This one's a wee bit full, sir!
0:37:16 > 0:37:19- Wilson.- Sir?- Everything all right?
0:37:19 > 0:37:24- Could I speak to you in private? - Of course. Excuse us.
0:37:29 > 0:37:34- What's happened?- Jones is taking him to the station.- Well done.
0:37:34 > 0:37:40I got this watch back for you, sir. I know how much you treasure it.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42Thank you. I appreciate it, Wilson.
0:37:44 > 0:37:48Look, on second thoughts, he hasn't got very much...
0:37:48 > 0:37:56- See him safely on to the train, give that back to him and wish him well. - All right, sir. I, er...
0:37:57 > 0:37:59..I hope he appreciates it.
0:37:59 > 0:38:03There's only one left. Will you have it?
0:38:03 > 0:38:08No, thank you, Godfrey. The general wants to talk to me.
0:38:14 > 0:38:20Delicious! My sister has a wonderful way with cucumber sandwiches.
0:38:28 > 0:38:32Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd