0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler
0:00:07 > 0:00:12# If you think we're on the run
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:22 > 0:00:27# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:46 > 0:00:51# If you think old England's done! #
0:00:52 > 0:00:54- WILSON SHOUTS:- Halt!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Are you there, sir?
0:00:58 > 0:01:03- Of course I am!- The men have fallen in and look awfully smart.- Good!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- I'll inspect them.- All right, sir.
0:01:13 > 0:01:19- Why aren't you in your snow camouflage suit?- I didn't want to look a fool in public.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22I'm wearing mine. I don't look a fool.
0:01:24 > 0:01:31- Why haven't you brought the men in? - The verger has just polished the floor.- Never mind about that.
0:01:31 > 0:01:38- We've got a war to win! Bring them in!- All right, sir. Would you step in here, please?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- CORPORAL JONES:- Halt! Left turn!
0:01:55 > 0:01:59The men are all halted and left-turned, sir!
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Thank you, Corporal. Stand at ease! Very good indeed, men.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06I'm very proud of you.
0:02:06 > 0:02:12Now we can follow the example of our Finnish allies and become completely invisible in the snow.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14There's just one thing -
0:02:14 > 0:02:16there's no snow!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Silence!
0:02:18 > 0:02:23Very good, Jones. What have you done to your spectacles?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26It's camouflage, sir, you see, camouflage!
0:02:26 > 0:02:31I have very highly coloured eyes. People remark on them in the shop.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Look.
0:02:33 > 0:02:39And I thought, "If they show up so much in the shop, they'll show up more in the snow!"
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Yes. I don't think it was necessary.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Nostrils look a bit odd, too.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49It's cotton wool, you see, sir.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53When I'm in action, I get very fractious and worked up,
0:02:53 > 0:02:57and my nostrils flare and they take on an angry red hue.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Of course, they don't show up in the shop
0:03:00 > 0:03:05because I don't get worked up and fractious over meat and sausages.
0:03:05 > 0:03:12If I get worked up and fractious in the snow, my nostrils will shine like beacons and give my place away.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16I think you're going into the realms of fantasy, Jones.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Whoo!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Don't play the fool with me, boy!
0:03:22 > 0:03:28- I'm not. Mum wouldn't let me put whitewash on. This is Uncle Arthur's idea.- Is that right?
0:03:28 > 0:03:35- Well, he has a very sensitive skin, sir. It runs in the family. - In whose family?- His family.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I see.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42What's this?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- It's all I could find! - A wedding dress!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Aye.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51It was my mother's.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Oh! There's a veil!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59It was in the attic...
0:03:59 > 0:04:02and do you know this, Captain Mainwaring...
0:04:02 > 0:04:05a poor wee mousey had passed away...
0:04:07 > 0:04:09..in the bustle!
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- What do you think? - I suppose we should be grateful
0:04:14 > 0:04:19- that he hasn't brought the bouquet! - Yes. Find something more suitable. - Right, sir.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Good afternoon!- Good after...
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- Who put you up to this, Godfrey? - It's my Pierrot costume.
0:04:28 > 0:04:35I had it when I was in the Army & Navy Store. We did shows for charity. We called ourselves...
0:04:35 > 0:04:38The Gay Gondoliers.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40The Gay...?! We can't have this!
0:04:40 > 0:04:42I think it's rather fun,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45except for the pom poms.
0:04:45 > 0:04:50I'm quite prepared to cut them off. May I keep them till the snow falls?
0:04:50 > 0:04:55I can't allow that. You must wear proper clothes like everybody else.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Well, on the whole, it's a very good turnout, men,
0:05:01 > 0:05:06and now, when it snows, we shall be able to merge into the landscape.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Look at that floor! Just look at it!
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- Three hours I spent on that! Back-breaking!- Never mind that!
0:05:13 > 0:05:18- Captain Mainwaring, can I have a word with you?- I'm busy.
0:05:18 > 0:05:25We all are! I wanted to give you plenty of notice that the hall won't be free on Saturday fortnight.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Oh? Well, I may need it for a serious military purpose!
0:05:29 > 0:05:36- We're having a church bazaar in aid of comforts for the troops. - Why have I only just learned this?
0:05:36 > 0:05:40- It was only decided just now - that's why!- That will do.
0:05:40 > 0:05:48- This is the kind of project that will have our whole-hearted support, isn't it?- I shouldn't be surprised.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53With the Home Guard behind you, it could take on a much broader aspect.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Summon all the important people in the town to a meeting.
0:05:57 > 0:06:02- We'll form an executive committee. We'll need a chairman.- A chairman?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Now, I wonder who that will be?
0:06:07 > 0:06:10PEOPLE MURMUR
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Now, as chairman...
0:06:16 > 0:06:19..may I just bring the meeting to order...?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- Hold on!- >
0:06:21 > 0:06:28Why is it that, whenever we have a meeting, you're always the chairman? Who elected you?
0:06:28 > 0:06:33It was perfectly above board. I was elected by the steering committee.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35And who elected them?
0:06:35 > 0:06:36- I did.- You see!
0:06:36 > 0:06:42I feel sure we're all most happy to have Captain Mainwaring as chairman.
0:06:42 > 0:06:48I have a meeting of my general purposes committee in one hour and five minutes,
0:06:48 > 0:06:50so please can we proceed?
0:06:50 > 0:06:56- Thank you very much.- Sorry we're late, Captain Mainwaring, we've been coupon counting.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01We always do coupon counting on the last Wednesday of the month.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03I dread it, I really dread it!
0:07:03 > 0:07:10- If it wasn't for Mrs Fox, I couldn't carry on! She's awfully good to me! - I'm sure she is. Sit down.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I do the odd hundred
0:07:12 > 0:07:16and then I make him a nice cup of tea and things!
0:07:16 > 0:07:20It's the least I can do, isn't it?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Can we get on? - Yes, can we get on, please?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- I second that!- Be quiet, Mr Yeatman!
0:07:26 > 0:07:32How many offers of help have we on hand at the moment, Sergeant Wilson?
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Mrs Yeatman has kindly offered to do the tombola.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40- She always does the tombola! - Well, she's very good at it!
0:07:40 > 0:07:45On the other hand, if Mrs Pike wants to do the tombola...
0:07:45 > 0:07:50- I don't want to do the tombola.- Then why did you mention it?- Don't start!
0:07:50 > 0:07:54You lay on the settee with your muddy boots on last night!
0:07:54 > 0:07:58- Mavis, please!- Wet the antimacassar and tried to rub it off!
0:07:58 > 0:08:03- Told you not to rinse the inner rose bowl, didn't I?- Please be quiet!
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- Can we get on? - Yes, please. Can we get on?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Perhaps I'd better take the list.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12You're going to rue the day you ever met that woman!
0:08:12 > 0:08:16I'm doing quite a lot of ruing at this very moment!
0:08:16 > 0:08:22Well, now. Mr Godfrey, I understand that you're going to provide some chutney.
0:08:22 > 0:08:28Yes, my sister Dorothy has three jars of honey and quite a lot of wine - elderberry.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32You've tasted it, I think, Mr Frazer.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Uh-huh. Once.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38I must admit, I found it totally undrinkable,
0:08:38 > 0:08:43but no doubt some fool will pay the money in the name of charity, son.
0:08:43 > 0:08:48I would like to say that I am about to donate a monster brawn!
0:08:48 > 0:08:50A monster brawn?
0:08:50 > 0:08:56You can serve it a slice at a time on plates or you can have a monster brawn raffle.
0:08:56 > 0:09:01- What sort of monster will it be made from?- Be quiet!
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Mrs Fox here is going to do fortune telling in a Gypsy tent!
0:09:05 > 0:09:12- Fortune telling, eh? - That's right - cards or ball.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17- The work of the Devil! - I'll only charge sixpence. - That's cheap enough.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21And each person gets five minutes alone with me!
0:09:23 > 0:09:28Alone, eh? Oh, well, it's a good cause, and you're a fine-built woman.
0:09:28 > 0:09:34- I'll take a chance!- Mr Chairman, point of order, what is Mrs Mainwaring going to do?
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- That isn't a point of order. - See? She's not doing anything!
0:09:38 > 0:09:41She's providing some lampshades.
0:09:41 > 0:09:46She makes them from odds and ends - helps pass the time in the shelter.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48So, yah, boo, sucks!
0:09:48 > 0:09:55- One more outburst like that and you'll go home.- He's a young hooligan, that's what he is!
0:09:55 > 0:10:00- And what are YOU going to do?- Yes, let's keep to the matter in hand!
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- Mr Hodges has a wonderful surprise for us!- Yes.
0:10:03 > 0:10:08It's better than your mouldy old wine and rotten lampshades!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I'm going to donate three oranges!
0:10:11 > 0:10:18- ALL: Three oranges! - I bet none of you has seen oranges for years! You can auction them off.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Where did you get three oranges?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Never you mind. They'll make a lot of money. That's all that matters.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I'm sure we're all very grateful.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- I'll second that. - Be quiet, Mr Yeatman.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32There was a function at Eastgate last week. They had sausage rolls.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Couldn't we have sausage rolls?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39On behalf of Mrs Yeatman, one thing's got to be made perfectly clear.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43If we're going to have sausage rolls, we've got to have sausages.
0:10:44 > 0:10:50They were made from some, um... vegetable concoction,
0:10:50 > 0:10:52but the trick was they had puff pastry!
0:10:52 > 0:10:58- They were very nice!- You can't have puff pastry without fat!
0:10:58 > 0:11:03- Anybody knows that!- Men don't! They think we wave a fairy wand!
0:11:03 > 0:11:07They don't have to queue up for hours on end!
0:11:07 > 0:11:14- Well, don't queue outside my shop. I haven't got any fat!- You take Mr Jones for granted - all of you!
0:11:14 > 0:11:20- What do you mean? I wouldn't go to his shop with wellington boots on! - You couldn't -
0:11:20 > 0:11:23you're not registered with me!
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Don't let's get this discussion heated, please!
0:11:26 > 0:11:31We're only here to raise money to send comforts to the troops.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Hey, I've got an idea!
0:11:33 > 0:11:36We could all club together and send 'em Mrs Fox!
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Oh!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- Go to my office at once! - It was only a joke.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Wilson!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- How dare you!- It was a joke!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52This is your fault. You're far too lax with this boy.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Don't you blame the boy.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56It's all happened since he's been with you lot.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- Since I...- I'll box your ears!
0:12:02 > 0:12:07# Lights out was sounded long ago... #
0:12:08 > 0:12:11There you are, Pikey! Look at that!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Isn't that a picture?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16That really is a monster brawn, that.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Don't do that!
0:12:18 > 0:12:19No, don't!
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- Mr Jones!- What is it, Mrs Fox?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I've lost one of my globes!
0:12:25 > 0:12:32- Had you got them both when you arrived?- Of course I had!- Could you gaze into something else?- No!
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I know. I can run home and get Mum's goldfish bowl.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40Don't be silly, Pikey. I don't expect Mrs Fox to gaze into
0:12:40 > 0:12:42a goldfish bowl with a lot of goldfish swimming about.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44She'd be gazing in for inspiration,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47and they'd be gazing out going...
0:12:49 > 0:12:54- How's everything going?- Very well. My sister had a very good idea.
0:12:54 > 0:13:01She's letting people taste the wine before they buy it so that they know what to expect.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Would you like to try some? It's my best elderberry.
0:13:04 > 0:13:09- At two in the afternoon? No, thank you.- Would Mr Wilson like some?
0:13:09 > 0:13:14I would indeed. Thank you so much. How nice of you. Thank you so much.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34What's all that palaver about?
0:13:34 > 0:13:40That's the way you do it. The French always do that. Actually, one should spit it out.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Let's not have any dirty foreign tricks here!
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Ah, silhouettes, eh? That's a novelty!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Aye, it is.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Would you like me to do you, sir?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56- Oh, yes, why not?- Only sixpence!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Well, it will help the war effort.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Now, you have to stand VERY still.
0:14:01 > 0:14:06- Captain Mainwaring, sir... - Yes?- My monster's gone shiny!
0:14:06 > 0:14:08What did you say?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Still, I said!
0:14:10 > 0:14:13It's too hot in here. It's melting! What shall I do?
0:14:13 > 0:14:18Perfectly simple, Jones. Take it outside where it's cool
0:14:18 > 0:14:24- and bring it in sometimes to show to people.- Oh! What would we do without your organising ability?
0:14:24 > 0:14:29Pikey! Come on, we'll take this outside. It's too hot in here.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Well, don't joggle it about!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34It's not me. It's you!
0:14:34 > 0:14:37There you are, sir - you to a tee!
0:14:37 > 0:14:41- That's awfully good, sir. Perfect likeness!- Rubbish!
0:14:44 > 0:14:46It's awful!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49It's just a round lump!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Well, you ARE a round lump!
0:14:54 > 0:15:00- I didn't pay sixpence to be insulted, Frazer. - I think you're getting a bargain!
0:15:00 > 0:15:04If you were in uniform, I'd put you on a charge for insolent behaviour!
0:15:04 > 0:15:11- Why is this table empty? - It's for Mrs Mainwaring's lampshades.- Yes, lampshades.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Just come in the office, will you?
0:15:13 > 0:15:19- Look at that! Mouth-watering, isn't it?- A rare sight indeed, Mr Hodges.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22I don't think I've seen an orange for over two years.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24It was just before the War
0:15:24 > 0:15:28in a Scouts' production of Good King Charles.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30You played Nell Gwyn!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Ah! Happy Days!
0:15:33 > 0:15:38- Please, sit down.- Thank you, sir.
0:15:38 > 0:15:44- Now, about these lampshades of Mrs Mainwaring's...- Oh, yes?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47She's been making them for over a year now,
0:15:47 > 0:15:54but I've never said anything about it, because she's rather sensitive to criticism. The fact is...
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- they're rather unusual.- Unusual?
0:15:58 > 0:16:03Yes. Not to put too fine a point on it, they're bizarre...
0:16:06 > 0:16:11- ..but she is determined to bring them along here to help out.- Ha, ha!
0:16:11 > 0:16:15- Is there a joke? - Yes, there is a bit of a joke.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18You see - the bazaar for the bizarre!
0:16:20 > 0:16:25Do you see what I mean? Do you understand? It's a play on...
0:16:26 > 0:16:33Yes. Now, I realise that these lampshades are going to call for some rather ribald remarks
0:16:33 > 0:16:36from the more plebeian factions of the town,
0:16:36 > 0:16:41but I said to myself, "She's my wife, and I must stand up for her."
0:16:41 > 0:16:46- That's very noble of you, sir!- Yes. Then came the incident of the bath.
0:16:46 > 0:16:54- The bath?- Mmm. You see, we have a rather old bath at home, and some of the enamel's chipped off,
0:16:54 > 0:16:58- and there's a dirty brown stain under the taps.- Oh, dear.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03I was in the ironmonger's yesterday and saw some bath enamel,
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- so while she was shopping today, I put a coat on.- Did it work?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Only up to a point.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Unfortunately, it takes five hours to dry...
0:17:16 > 0:17:20..and Elizabeth is very unpredictable, you see.
0:17:20 > 0:17:25How would I have known she'd take a bath in the middle of the day?
0:17:26 > 0:17:30- I was in my study when it happened. - What happened?
0:17:30 > 0:17:34I heard a dreadful scream come from the bathroom,
0:17:34 > 0:17:37dashed in to find her standing in the bath...
0:17:37 > 0:17:42and the paint had come off in one long strip, you understand,
0:17:42 > 0:17:47she was wrapped in a sort of... a sort of...
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I see - a sort of enamel skirt.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Quite!
0:17:51 > 0:17:57- There was hell to pay, of course! - Yes.- Then came the question of how to get the stuff off.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Chemicals were no use,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02a pumice stone wouldn't shift it.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06- Sandpaper?- Oh, no, no, no! Very delicate skin!
0:18:06 > 0:18:11Anyway, I managed to take off the bits that were hanging down
0:18:11 > 0:18:15and told her that she'd just have to let the rest wear off.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18She became hysterical, and to calm her down, I said,
0:18:18 > 0:18:24- "Don't worry, nobody will see you undressed."- Did it do any good?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Not at all.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30She ran into the bedroom and slammed the door.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34This means, of course, that she won't be here this afternoon.
0:18:34 > 0:18:41- I really am awfully sorry about that, sir.- There's one thing which might retrieve the situation -
0:18:41 > 0:18:44one of Hodges' oranges.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49Now, that might calm her down, you see. She's very partial to oranges.
0:18:49 > 0:18:55- Well, let's hope that does the trick!- There is only one consolation about the whole thing...
0:18:55 > 0:19:01- What's that?- I shan't have to be embarrassed by any damn lampshades!
0:19:02 > 0:19:06- That's the lot.- He will be pleased! - What are you doing?!
0:19:06 > 0:19:10- Putting out Mrs Mainwaring's lampshades.- How did you get them?
0:19:10 > 0:19:14Well, when I was coming here, I passed your house,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16and on the doorstep was a big box.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20I was standing there, the door opened a crack,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23and a finger beckoned to me.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27So I went up, and underneath the fingernail was white paint.
0:19:27 > 0:19:33There was this mad, cackling laugh, the finger pointed at the box, and the door slammed.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37You don't think it's your cleaning lady gone potty, do you?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Here are two more.- They're lovely!
0:19:40 > 0:19:45Hey, everybody, look at these lampshades Mrs Mainwaring made!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53You stupid boy!
0:19:55 > 0:20:00Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?
0:20:00 > 0:20:07Welcome to our winter bazaar, and here to perform the opening ceremony is our popular town clerk,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Mr Gordon!
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- Go and fetch the brawn! We're opening!- Oh, right.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Good afternoon, citizens!
0:20:15 > 0:20:23Now, as you know, this bazaar is in aid of the town's Comforts for the Troops fund.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Every penny that you give... will be another nail...
0:20:27 > 0:20:29in Hitler's coffin!
0:20:29 > 0:20:33- PEOPLE CHEER - Hear! Hear!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35So go to it with a will!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I now declare this bazaar...
0:20:38 > 0:20:40well and truly open!
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- Pompous idiot! - Well, at least he was brief!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- WALK UP! WALK UP...- >
0:20:47 > 0:20:49AND SEE MY LOVELY ORANGES!
0:20:49 > 0:20:55I SHALL BE AUCTIONING THEM OFF AT HALF PAST FOUR! WALK UP! WALK UP!
0:20:55 > 0:21:02- He makes it sound like a fairground! - He's so common! He shouldn't be allowed in public places!
0:21:02 > 0:21:07LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! COME AND SEE MY MONSTER BRAWN!
0:21:07 > 0:21:13Due to circumstances beyond my control, it will only be on view for a few minutes at a time,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15as it has to wait outside.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Make way for the brawn!
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Make way!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21There we are!
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Monster brawn's arrived!
0:21:25 > 0:21:30Stand still, man! How can I get a likeness if you keep fidgeting?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- Do try some elderberry wine! - Thank you!
0:21:33 > 0:21:37I think I'll go and get some tombola tickets, Wilson.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41They've got a bottle of whisky for the first prize.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Elizabeth takes a drop now and again - purely medicinal, of course.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Yes, of course.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Ladies and gentlemen. It is now three o'clock,
0:21:50 > 0:21:57- and the monster brawn will be on view for a further ten minutes! - Mind your backs, please!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Guess what...
0:22:07 > 0:22:12- I'll buy some more tombola tickets. - You've bought a lot already, sir.
0:22:12 > 0:22:19- Haven't you won anything?- Only this boat race favour!- It's awfully attractive - it's Cambridge, too!
0:22:21 > 0:22:25- Sorry, Mr Gordon.- Look what I've won, Captain Mainwaring!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27A bottle of whisky!
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Heaven certainly smiled on me this afternoon!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Would you like some more tickets? - No, thank you.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38Pikey, quickly! Outside with it! It's melting!
0:22:38 > 0:22:42I'm sick and tired of lugging this thing in and out all afternoon!
0:22:42 > 0:22:46- Don't joggle it about!- Make way!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Good heavens! What's that?
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- Sponge!- Yes, Captain Mainwaring?
0:22:52 > 0:22:57- Why is she wearing that lampshade? - I couldn't sell them as lampshades,
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- so I'm selling them as funny hats. - How dare you!
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- (SLURRING)- Sho shorry!
0:23:04 > 0:23:11- I beg your pardon!- That's all right. - What's the matter with him? - He's tiddly.- How could he be?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14What's going on over there?
0:23:14 > 0:23:15They're drunk!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Stay away!
0:23:17 > 0:23:22- How much wine have you sold? - None at all, I'm afraid, sir.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25What about these empty bottles?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Everybody's tasting it, but nobody's buying it.
0:23:29 > 0:23:36- While I was outside with the brawn, a despatch rider asked me to give you this.- Where is he now?
0:23:36 > 0:23:40- He's getting on his bike. - Stop him. I want to talk to him.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Captain Mainwaring, I want to raffle the brawn now.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48- We can't keep lugging it in and out. - Sorry, he's gone.
0:23:48 > 0:23:54- Mr Jones, there's something outside you ought to see.- What is it? - Brace yourself for a shock!
0:23:54 > 0:24:00This will be about tomorrow's exercise. After the auction, get the men into my office.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02All right, sir.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Captain Mainwaring!
0:24:04 > 0:24:08That despatch rider's run over my brawn!
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Good heavens! How did he do that?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17He sort of went...brmmm!
0:24:20 > 0:24:24WALK UP! WALK UP! I SHALL NOW AUCTION MY ORANGES!
0:24:24 > 0:24:25WALK UP!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27WALK UP!
0:24:27 > 0:24:32- I'm determined to get an orange! - How high are you prepared to go?
0:24:32 > 0:24:36Where my wife is concerned, the sky's the limit!
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Here, Mr Hodges! I just heard Captain Mainwaring say
0:24:39 > 0:24:46- he's determined to get one of those oranges!- Well, he's not going to! I'll see to that!
0:24:46 > 0:24:52Now, lot one, the first orange. Now, what am I bid for this lovely juicy orange?
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Sixpence down here. Thank you very much!
0:24:56 > 0:25:00- Can I say one shilling now? I have sixpence down here.- One shilling.
0:25:00 > 0:25:07- Sold for one shilling! - I haven't finished bidding! - You want to speak up a bit sharpish!
0:25:07 > 0:25:09You mumble, that's your trouble!
0:25:09 > 0:25:14Right, lot two. What am I bid for this lovely juicy orange?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17- One shilling.- Thank you very much.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Can I say two shillings now? I have one shilling down here.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Two shillings, anybody? I have a shilling down here!
0:25:25 > 0:25:29I'm withdrawing this orange from the sale!
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- Why?- It hasn't reached its reserve price!
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- What is its reserve price? - Mind your own business!
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- Frank, you buy the orange for Captain Mainwaring.- All right.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Lot three. What am I bid for this lovely orange?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47One shilling, thank you very much.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Can I say two shillings? Two shillings, thank you very much.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Can I say three shillings now? Can I say three?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Three shillings, thank you.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Can I say four shillings for this lovely round orange?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Four shillings! Thank you very much indeed!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Can I say five for this lovely orange now?
0:26:08 > 0:26:13Don't forget - all the money goes to the troops. Can I say five?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Five! Thank you very much! Can I say six?
0:26:18 > 0:26:22Can I say six? Come along! This lovely juicy orange!
0:26:24 > 0:26:29Six! Thank you very much! Can I say seven now for this lovely orange?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Only fell off the tree last week!
0:26:32 > 0:26:38Seven! Thank you to the little fat gentleman in the front!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Can I say eight now?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44I've got seven. Can I say eight?
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Anybody, eight?
0:26:47 > 0:26:51Eight shillings! Thank you very much!
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Can I say nine?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Nine shillings, thank you! Can I say ten shillings?
0:26:57 > 0:27:05It's going for the first time at nine shillings... Going for the second time at nine shillings...
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- Sold for ten shillings! - What are you doing?!
0:27:10 > 0:27:16- Frank bought it for you. - Why didn't you say so? I've been bidding against myself!
0:27:16 > 0:27:21- It was in your own interest!- Get the men in the office!- All right.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Ten shillings for an orange?! The boy's gone off his head!
0:27:25 > 0:27:29- Your orange, Mr Mainwaring! - Thank you.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32PHONE RINGS See who that is, will you?
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Hello? Oh, hello, Mrs Mainwaring.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Er, tell her I'm not here.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41He says he's not here.
0:27:42 > 0:27:49Yes. I'll give him that message. You're going to stay with your sister for the weekend. Right.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Tell her I've got an orange for her.
0:27:52 > 0:27:57- (MIMICS MAINWARING) - He's got an orange for you.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59I don't think he could do that!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03She hung up!
0:28:03 > 0:28:10- You wanted to see us, sir?- Yes. - I'll round up the others, sir. - Don't bother. Close the door.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12I just wanted to thank you, men,
0:28:12 > 0:28:14for all your hard work today.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Once again, you've given your best,
0:28:17 > 0:28:23and the ten shillings I paid for this orange have swelled the coffers enormously.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27- You haven't paid me yet!- Quiet, boy! Now...
0:28:27 > 0:28:32this orange cost ten shillings, and I'm going to share it with you.
0:28:32 > 0:28:38- That's very good of you, sir.- Your generosity is beyond all bounds!
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Thank you so much, sir.
0:28:40 > 0:28:46- You're like a father and mother to us, Captain Mainwaring! - To us! Comrades in arms! To us!
0:28:46 > 0:28:52Here, you'll find that orange rather bitter. It's for making marmalade!
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0:29:41 > 0:29:45E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk