0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:11 > 0:00:16# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:16 > 0:00:21# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# If you think old England's done?
0:00:32 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:52 > 0:00:59Mr Mainwaring has asked me to give a lecture on bayonet practice, so I shall.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02No substitute for cold steel.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06They don't like it up 'em!
0:01:06 > 0:01:09I might have mentioned that before.
0:01:09 > 0:01:15Many times. Many, many times (!) You can say THAT again!
0:01:15 > 0:01:20Silence in the ranks! Put that cigarette out, Private Walker!
0:01:20 > 0:01:26An important thing to remember is the scream. That puts the wind up the enemy.
0:01:26 > 0:01:33Take a deep breath in the lungs and... WAAAAAAAAAAGH !
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I want you all to scream. Deep breath, and...
0:01:37 > 0:01:39HOLD IT!
0:01:40 > 0:01:45Mr Godfrey, you don't need to do any screaming. Put the kettle on.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49I'd like to remain, if I may. I'd like to scream.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52All right then. Here we go, boys...
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Big screams...
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- WAAAAGGGGHHHH !
0:01:57 > 0:02:02What a terrible noise. What on earth's going on out there?
0:02:02 > 0:02:09- Bayonet practice. - Can't they do it quietly? - This is action, Wilson!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Is that what it is?!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I'd like to see some action from you.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Screaming isn't my style, sir.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19I often wonder what IS your style!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- KNOCKING - See who that is.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Yes? Who is it?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Thank you.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32It's for you, sir. It's from Gills, the tailor.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Oh, splendid. Thank you.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38I've been waiting for this.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45- It's arrived just in time for the parade.- What parade?
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Ceremonial church parade on Sunday.
0:02:49 > 0:02:54- We've discussed it for weeks. - Of course.- What do you think?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- About what?- My hat, of course!
0:02:56 > 0:03:02Oh, yes. Oh, yes, indeed. I think it's awfully nice, sir.
0:03:02 > 0:03:09When you're bayoneting this dummy, I want you to imagine that is Mr Hitler.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13I want to hear you scream.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17- Aaah.- Come on! - AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH !
0:03:18 > 0:03:25Very good. Right... bayoneting and screaming at Mr Hitler, in your own time, GO !
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Now...
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Aaggh!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35My hat! Look at my hat!
0:03:35 > 0:03:41- Open this door at once! Who is that?- It's me! >
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- Let go!- Are you all right, sir?
0:03:46 > 0:03:51- Sorry, Mr Mainwaring. I missed. - You stupid boy! Look at my hat!
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Look! Was your head in it?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- PHONE RINGS - You did that with your bayonet!
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Hello.
0:04:00 > 0:04:06How awfully nice to hear your voice. Indeed it is. Yes, he's here.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- It's your wife, sir.- What?
0:04:08 > 0:04:12- Tell her I'm not here. - She heard you shouting.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Really?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Hello, Elizabeth.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Yes.
0:04:24 > 0:04:29I just can't stand sleeping with you any more in the shelter.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30What?
0:04:30 > 0:04:36There hasn't been an air-raid in months and it's very uncomfortable.
0:04:37 > 0:04:42Of course I didn't wait till you'd gone out to remove the bedding.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Don't stand gawping, boy. Get out.
0:04:46 > 0:04:51I wasn't talking to you. Of course I can't come and put it back.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Not now.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56I shall be at least half an hour.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57What?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Oh, very well.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- Dismiss the parade, please.- Yes.
0:05:07 > 0:05:12We don't want any more accidents, so let's put this up the other end.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Captain Square!
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Platoon, hup!
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- Good evening, sir.- Corporal.
0:05:19 > 0:05:24- Captain Mainwaring about?- I'll fetch him.- Don't worry. I'll breeze in.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- Most impressive row of medals. - I'm proud of them.
0:05:28 > 0:05:35So you should be. You are wearing a history of the British Empire.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Very sound! Good man. Right, carry on.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45- Come in. - Captain Square to see you, sir.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Oh! Good evening, sir.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Good evening. This is Sgt Parkins, my butler.
0:05:52 > 0:05:57(Rotten Sergeant, damn good butler.) Is Captain Mainwaring about?
0:05:57 > 0:06:02- I'm afraid not. - I won't stay long, then.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Prepare to sit. Sit!
0:06:07 > 0:06:13I called to see if Capt Mainwaring every received some orders I sent.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17- What orders? - About the medals.- What medals?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20What's the matter with you, man?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I just can't follow your drift.
0:06:22 > 0:06:29I see. Well, about a week ago, I sent out orders about the ceremonial church parade.
0:06:29 > 0:06:35I said that all medals would be worn. Capt Mainwaring has not acknowledged it.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- We didn't get it.- You must have!
0:06:38 > 0:06:43Went out 10 days ago. Cook delivered it personally.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I can assure you, we DIDN'T get it.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Wait a minute! I remember now.
0:06:49 > 0:06:54I was going through papers with Capt Mainwaring.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57He put one of them in this drawer.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01- Have a look.- I can't do that! - Of course you can!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I don't think it's right, somehow.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08 It's most unlike him. He's so meticulous.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Ah, here it is, I think.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14No, it isn't. This is it. Yes. Is that it?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Yes. Of course it is!
0:07:17 > 0:07:21"All decorations and medals will be worn.
0:07:21 > 0:07:27"Signed, Captain Square, acting adjutant, pompous idiot."
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Pompous idiot! Who wrote that?!
0:07:30 > 0:07:35- It wasn't me. - The penny's beginning to drop.
0:07:35 > 0:07:42During the last shindig, I was with Lawrence fighting jolly Turk. Who were YOU fighting?
0:07:42 > 0:07:46- Just the usual Germans.- Mainwaring?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50He was in the Army of Occupation after the war.
0:07:51 > 0:07:56No wonder he didn't read out the orders. Hasn't got any medals.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Didn't want the others to wear theirs!
0:08:00 > 0:08:06- No-one will know that HE hasn't got any medals. - I wonder if you're right.
0:08:06 > 0:08:14- Of course I'm right. Listen. Tonight, you will read out that order.- Yes.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Carry on, Parkins. It's an order!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19All right, sir.
0:08:19 > 0:08:26Yes. "All decorations and medals will be worn. Signed, Capt Square, pompous idiot."
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Come in.
0:08:34 > 0:08:41Sir, the men are sort of lined up on parade, if you'd care to cast an eye over them.
0:08:41 > 0:08:47Cast an eye over them! They're not a balance sheet! They're a fighting unit.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51And you're supposed to be their sergeant.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Pull yourself together, Wilson!
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Shoulders back. Stand up like a man.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- Is that better?- Not really, no.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Platoon, hup!
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Platoon ready for inspection, sir.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- Thank you, Corporal.- Thank you, sir.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Who gave you permission to wear those medals?
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Sgt Wilson ordered me to, sir. Them, too.
0:09:39 > 0:09:47- What are you up to?- Pardon? - Trying to undermine my authority? - No. It was an order.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52- You've not heard the last of this. See me in my office.- All right.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56- Are you entitled to all that ironmongery?- Iron?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59That's the Cadi's Star.
0:09:59 > 0:10:05That was presented to me in the first Sudanese campaign.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10We was not fighting the Egyptians, they was on our side.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15They was fighting the Mad Mahdi and he was fighting General Gordon.
0:10:15 > 0:10:23So that meant that WE was fighting the Mad Mahdi, 'cos General Gordon was on the same side as us. Follow?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Yes (!)
0:10:25 > 0:10:34- That medal was presented to me at the SECOND Sudanese campaign. - Very interesting (!)
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- I haven't come to the exciting bit. - Later.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Is that an authentic decoration?
0:10:41 > 0:10:47That, sir, is the Polar Medal for the Shackleton Expedition.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51- Really (?)- A wild and lonely place, it was.
0:10:51 > 0:10:58Nothing for the eye to behold but ice and snow. So they made the ribbon white.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03- Very appropriate.- I notice you're not wearing YOUR medals.
0:11:03 > 0:11:08- Did you leave them at home (?) - No talking in the ranks.- Aye (!)
0:11:08 > 0:11:16Permission to speak, sir! That Mad Mahdi what we fought in the second campaign,
0:11:16 > 0:11:21is not the same Mad Mahdi as what we fought in the first.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- I see. Thank you.- Yes, sir.
0:11:24 > 0:11:31- In my opinion, he wasn't mad. But you know how people talk. - Yes, they do.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36Mind you, he was mad the day he had his horse shot from under him.
0:11:36 > 0:11:42He was madder than the first Mad Mahdi that day! Mustn't keep you, sir.
0:11:47 > 0:11:55- I thought you didn't approve of these things.- It was an order. I didn't want to come bare-breasted.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02- You wouldn't have upset me. - They've come up quite nicely.
0:12:02 > 0:12:11- My sister polished them with powdered chalk and vinegar. - Thank you. I'll bear that in mind.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14What's all that rubbish?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16My scout badges.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Scout badges?!
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Yes. That's my Tenderfoot.
0:12:23 > 0:12:29That's Knots and Splices. First Aid. Firemaking. And Tracking.
0:12:29 > 0:12:35- Get them off.- I didn't want to put them on. It was my mum.
0:12:35 > 0:12:42- She said if Uncle...Sgt Wilson was going to show off, I had to as well.- He has more sense.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Wilson! What are you doing?
0:12:45 > 0:12:50- I'm entitled to them.- Don't get dressed while I'm inspecting.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Walker...
0:12:55 > 0:13:00This isn't a musical comedy. Get that off.
0:13:00 > 0:13:05Hang on, that's the Sacred Order Of The Golden Cross of Abu Dhabi.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- Given by the Sheik of Arabi (?) - Yeah, he was Sheik!
0:13:09 > 0:13:15He had 34 wives! He was staying in this hotel in Park Lane and I was on the staff.
0:13:15 > 0:13:20One day, his prime minister comes up to me he was an Arab too
0:13:20 > 0:13:23and says, " 'Ere, can you get him a bird?"
0:13:23 > 0:13:31So I says, "I'll see what I can do." So I gets on the blower to a friend of mine, and he was very grateful.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33I got this, a kiss and ten quid.
0:13:37 > 0:13:43I can't stand any more of this. Wilson, dismiss the parade.
0:13:43 > 0:13:51Capt Mainwaring and I are grateful for the trouble you've taken in your appearance for the parade.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- WILSON !- You all look lovely.
0:13:54 > 0:14:00Same time, same place tomorrow, and do please try and get here at the right time.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Wilson, get in here!
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Shut the door. Come here.
0:14:12 > 0:14:18- How DARE you!- I beg your pardon? - How dare you go over my head!
0:14:18 > 0:14:22There's no need to make such a fuss, sir. It was a battalion order.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- It was in my pending draw.- I know.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28You've no right to rummage in there!
0:14:28 > 0:14:34- Typical weather! - What the hell do YOU want? - Happy Christmas to you, too (!)
0:14:34 > 0:14:39- Do you mind not dripping over my orders (?)- Sorry!
0:14:41 > 0:14:49I do not approve of metal sprawling over everybody's chest. It's THIS war that counts.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52What's up? Didn't you get any?
0:14:52 > 0:14:56I'm not discussing anything with you. Get out!
0:14:56 > 0:15:01This is a vicar's office, and he lets me hang my hat in here.
0:15:01 > 0:15:07Another thing - I've got a lecture in here, so keep your voice down!
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Common!
0:15:09 > 0:15:17- Awful ! But he WAS with us last time.- What do you mean? - He was wearing his 14-18 medals.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Gallantry is one thing.
0:15:20 > 0:15:26But issuing bits of brass for any campaign makes a mockery of it.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Well, I wouldn't say...
0:15:30 > 0:15:36- Do you mind?- Would you mind if I had a ferret in the vicar's drawers?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Must you do it now? I'm busy.
0:15:41 > 0:15:46He wants his medals for Sunday parade. I think they're here...
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Ah, here they are.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55They'll set his surplice off a treat.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58That's precisely what I mean.
0:15:58 > 0:16:06What did he do to earn those? Sing "Rock Of Ages" in a French field (?)
0:16:06 > 0:16:11I think it's marvellous when we have parades like this.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Captain Square striding out at the front...
0:16:15 > 0:16:23- He'll love it (!)- But it can't be quite so much fun for those of us, well, who haven't got any medals.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28- How do you mean? - Well, like Private Pike.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31You're dismissed, Sergeant Wilson.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Go and polish your medals.
0:16:34 > 0:16:39- Are you going to polish your cap badge?- I said, DISMISSED !
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Well, there we stood, face to face.
0:16:48 > 0:16:54My eyes looking into HIS eyes and HIS eyes looking into MY eyes.
0:16:54 > 0:16:59Then I saw his eyes flicker and I pressed home the advantage.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03I asked him, all innocent like,
0:17:03 > 0:17:07"Are ye no' wearing your medals, Captain Mainwaring?"
0:17:07 > 0:17:13LAUGHING: Of course...I knew all the time... that he had none to wear!
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Oh, wheesht!
0:17:17 > 0:17:22I can hardly wait to see everybody's face
0:17:22 > 0:17:29when he turns up in front of the whole battalion wi' no medals!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32He cannae worm oot of this!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35To every man that sins...
0:17:35 > 0:17:38comes nemesis.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Aye!
0:17:43 > 0:17:45'Ere.
0:17:45 > 0:17:51I can't help feeling sorry for the Captain. No medals. It's a disgrace!
0:17:51 > 0:17:58Being led by a man wi' nothing up here. He's got nothing up HERE either.
0:17:58 > 0:18:03Perhaps we ought to take our medals down.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Morning!
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Fall the men in, Sergeant, please.
0:18:11 > 0:18:17- Fall the men in!- Right. Would you mind doing that?- Ohh!
0:18:17 > 0:18:24- I have an important announcement. - What's that?- All in good time. - Attention!
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Jonesy!
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Ready for inspection, sir.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Stand easy.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Very smart, men. Very smart.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I have some bad news for you.
0:18:42 > 0:18:49Owing to circumstances beyond my control, I shan't be able to be with you on the parade.
0:18:51 > 0:18:57My dear lady wife sent my uniform to the cleaners.
0:18:59 > 0:19:04She didn't tell me until lunchtime yesterday, Saturday.
0:19:04 > 0:19:11As you know the cleaners shut at lunchtime on Saturdays. I was too late.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Had I a second uniform...
0:19:15 > 0:19:20- Fall in, Pike, you're very late. - I've got something for you.
0:19:20 > 0:19:27- Oh, yes?- Well, yesterday I was in the cleaners and I saw your uniform hanging there,
0:19:27 > 0:19:30so I brought it for you.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40It's 2/3d.
0:19:41 > 0:19:49Thank you, Pike. That's very kind. Unfortunately, it doesn't help. There's no time to change.
0:19:49 > 0:19:54You've got 20 minutes. We don't mind waiting for you.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- Do we? - NO !
0:20:15 > 0:20:21- Three halves of bitter. - Have this with me.- Thank you, sir.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24A drink, verger? It's my round.
0:20:24 > 0:20:32That's very civil. A lemonade shandy. Not too much beer, Shirley. Mustn't forget, it's the Lord's day.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36- Vicar? - A double scotch, please.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42A double scotch as well, please.
0:20:42 > 0:20:48- Me, too.- I don't think I extended the invitation to YOU. Colonel ?
0:20:48 > 0:20:55- Colonel ?- Yes?- Care for a drink with Number One Platoon? - No, thanks. Square's lined them up.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00- Make it a single for the Reverend. He's a martyr to it.- Is he?
0:21:00 > 0:21:05- We don't want a scene, do we?- No. Of course not.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Shirley, make that a single.
0:21:12 > 0:21:17- Mainwaring, did you enjoy the parade?- Yes. Smart turnout.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22Sorry you chaps were behind us. We couldn't see your drill.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26But we HEARD them. Yes. Late, eh?
0:21:26 > 0:21:33- The wind was blowing away from us. - Some of us had difficulty in hearing the commands.- Yes.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Some of you had difficulty in MARCHING !
0:21:37 > 0:21:42- Just ignore him, Wilson. - I was, actually.
0:21:42 > 0:21:50Next time we have a parade, ask the Colonel if your chaps can do it in bathchairs!
0:21:53 > 0:21:59- Capt Mainwaring was striding out like a two-year-old. - You looked smart, sir.
0:21:59 > 0:22:05'Course he didn't have much weight to carry... No medals, like.
0:22:05 > 0:22:13- When Hitler arrives, waving medals won't do us any good.- Better than waving your pension books!
0:22:14 > 0:22:22My men can wipe the floor with yours! They're fitter, better trained and better led!
0:22:22 > 0:22:26That's fighting talk, ain't it, Colonel ?
0:22:26 > 0:22:34- We can out-shoot you, out-think you and run rings round you!- You tell him, Mr Mainwaring, go on, tell him!
0:22:34 > 0:22:41- You will prove that or apologise! - We can't prove it till the Boche arrive.
0:22:41 > 0:22:48There's always the battle course, the field firing range, and we can think up initiative tests.
0:22:48 > 0:22:53I accept. Are you backing down, Mainwaring?
0:22:53 > 0:22:56- We're not backing down, are we? - NO !
0:22:56 > 0:23:02I wanna see this! Can I be an umpire?
0:23:02 > 0:23:08We'll be umpires! The fact that you bought me a SINGLE scotch won't matter.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13- That settles it! We accept, don't we, sir?- Yes.
0:23:13 > 0:23:18One condition - every man who was on parade today takes part.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Sounds fair.
0:23:20 > 0:23:26- I think that's fair. Wilson? - Yes. Very fair, indeed. Yes.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Just means we'll lose, that's all.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Pay attention, everyone.
0:23:41 > 0:23:46Pay attention! Pay attention! PAY ATTENTION!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48They're paying attention, sir.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Thank you, Corporal.
0:23:51 > 0:23:58Now, the details of the tests are to hand. We can now put you in the picture.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01You hear enough of my voice...
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- Hear, hear!- Watch it, Walker.
0:24:04 > 0:24:10- So I'm going to ask Sgt Wilson to brief you. Carry on.- Thank you.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- Could I borrow your little stick? - Certainly not.
0:24:16 > 0:24:23Both platoon commanders will start here, in their platoon vans.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Tell them about the map references.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30- Pardon?- The map references. - I was going to.
0:24:30 > 0:24:38- The commanders are given a map reference, and we have to find the place...- Using maps.
0:24:38 > 0:24:43- Pardon?- Using maps. - That's obvious.- Nothing is obvious.
0:24:43 > 0:24:48- Carry on.- Oh, Lord. Where did I get to?
0:24:48 > 0:24:54- Practically nowhere. - You keep interrupting. It-it's difficult...
0:24:54 > 0:24:57- Initiative tests.- Right.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02At point B, we shall all be given our initiative tests. Right?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Excuse me, Uncle Sergeant,
0:25:06 > 0:25:11in what type of form will the initiative tests be put?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13I'll answer.
0:25:13 > 0:25:21If we knew the form the initiative tests would take, we wouldn't be able to use our initiative.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25- Thank you.- Stupid boy!
0:25:25 > 0:25:29- Can I go on?- Carry on. - Thank you.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32We then cross the river here,
0:25:32 > 0:25:37and fire five rounds of ammunition at the target.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- Live ammunition.- Live ammunition.
0:25:40 > 0:25:45Then we rush across to this tower, climb up onto the roof...
0:25:45 > 0:25:50and run up the platoon flag which Pvt. Walker had made for us.
0:25:50 > 0:25:56- By the way, they came to three quid. - Three pounds? That's a bit stiff, isn't it?
0:25:56 > 0:26:01You're lucky. I charged East Gate a fiver.
0:26:01 > 0:26:08The first platoon, of course, to run up their flag will be the winners.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Is that all quite clear?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Captain Mainwaring.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- I foresee one wee snag.- What's that?
0:26:16 > 0:26:24While we're rushing here and there, Godfrey will still be trying to climb out the van!
0:26:26 > 0:26:32- That's a bit of an exaggeration. - It's plain to see - the man's decrepit!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34No offence.
0:26:34 > 0:26:40I admit I'm not as agile as I was. But I'm very determined.
0:26:40 > 0:26:46Don't worry, we'll help you. He's a millstone round our necks.
0:26:46 > 0:26:53- It's folly to take him. - He was on the parade, so he must go.
0:26:53 > 0:26:59If he had on spark of loyalty to the rest of us, he'd break a leg.
0:26:59 > 0:27:05Nothing personal, my old friend. I'm speaking for the good of us all.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09He can't break a leg! How about a finger?
0:27:09 > 0:27:14A finger's no good! No, it has to be a leg!
0:27:14 > 0:27:17I'm willing to help in any way.
0:27:17 > 0:27:23- Good. The only question is, how? - Sit down. Don't be ridiculous.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Permission to speak, sir!
0:27:27 > 0:27:35Dr Livingstone and other explorers were carried on a chair between two poles. Not Poles, the people.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38They didn't have them in Africa.
0:27:38 > 0:27:46Bamboo poles. Four strong chaps used to carry these gentlemen. I suggest we carry Mr Godfrey.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- Who's gonna carry you?- Don't start!
0:27:49 > 0:27:54- ARGUMENT BREAKS OUT - That's enough.- Sit down.
0:27:54 > 0:27:59- I think that's a very good idea. Don't you, Wilson?- Yes, I do.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- It's really rather quaint.- Right.
0:28:02 > 0:28:07- See to that.- Yes.- That disposes of the Godfrey embarrassment.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10No offence!
0:28:10 > 0:28:15That's what I like about this platoon - agile minds.
0:28:15 > 0:28:22We're going to run rings round that mob. Are you all with me?
0:28:22 > 0:28:26- YES ! - That's all. Dismiss.- I think...
0:28:31 > 0:28:37Now, listen. The vicar, here, will read out the map reference once.
0:28:37 > 0:28:42Write it down and run back to your vehicles. Then, the signal to start.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Right, vicar.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51I'll only read this once, so listen carefully.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55- Do get on! - Don't start, Mainwaring!
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Here we go.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01And the map reference is...
0:29:05 > 0:29:10Six hundred and twenty nine. Five hundred and seventy one.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13- Right! - Come on!
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Look what they done to my flag!
0:29:40 > 0:29:44Is it safe? Of course it is! Get on!
0:29:47 > 0:29:51Do you mind if I put my arms round you?
0:30:17 > 0:30:22The East Gate platoon turned to the right.
0:30:22 > 0:30:28- Are you sure we're going the right way?- Of course I am.
0:30:28 > 0:30:33- Can't we go any faster?- I'm doing twenty eight miles an hour!
0:30:33 > 0:30:40- I beg your pardon.- What is it? - Do you think I might be excused? - Certainly not!
0:30:40 > 0:30:44Get your foot hard on the floor.
0:30:44 > 0:30:50- I've GOT me foot on the floor! Ah-ya-ya-ya!- What's the matter?! - Ah-ya-ya!
0:30:53 > 0:30:58- What are you doing?- P-permission to s-speak, s-sir!- What is it?
0:30:58 > 0:31:06- I'm af-fraid I've got the old t-trouble back again, sir. - What's that?- M-m-m-ma-ma...- What?
0:31:06 > 0:31:10- Ma...ma...malaria! - Stop at once!
0:31:17 > 0:31:22- Stay where you are, Jones. - M-m-m-m-m...- Stay there.
0:31:22 > 0:31:26- Medics! Medics! - GIVES THREE BLASTS ON WHISTLE
0:31:30 > 0:31:32STOP !
0:31:32 > 0:31:34What are they doing?
0:31:34 > 0:31:40- Three blasts is the signal to open fire.- No! Get the medics.
0:31:40 > 0:31:44- What for?- Get Godfrey. - Why not SAY so?
0:31:44 > 0:31:50- What's happening?- Jones has got an attack of malaria. Get him out.
0:31:51 > 0:31:56- He won't let go of the steering wheel.- Medics!
0:31:56 > 0:31:59Get hold of his wrists.
0:32:04 > 0:32:09H-he d-doesn't l-look t-too g-good, d-d-d-does he?
0:32:09 > 0:32:12I don't f-feel t-too good.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16Don't worry. I'll look af-af-after you.
0:32:21 > 0:32:27- Godfrey! Where have you been? - I took the opportunity of being excused.
0:32:27 > 0:32:35- You should always be on hand. - What's wrong?- Jones has malaria. Anything we can give him?
0:32:35 > 0:32:42- Aspirins, bicarbonate of soda, and some ointment for wasp stings. - Wasp stings?!
0:32:42 > 0:32:47- This isn't a Girl Guides' outing! - Quinine! That's what we need.
0:32:47 > 0:32:52- And he should be kept warm. - You're right. Got any quinine?
0:32:52 > 0:33:00- No. But I've got a bottle of tonic wine. My sister, Dolly, swears by it.- All right.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05Here, Jones. Drink this.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08Hold him. He's spilling it.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13Wrap him up. Put him in the back.
0:33:13 > 0:33:21- I've had these at-t-tacks for the last f-forty years. They soon p-p-p-p...- Pass.
0:33:21 > 0:33:29- What's the matter with Jonesy? - He's got malaria. Like Leslie Banks in Sanders Of The River.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32- I couldn't stand that film.- Wilson.
0:33:32 > 0:33:39- Get him in the back of the van. - Who's going to drive now?- I am.
0:33:39 > 0:33:44- Do you think that's wise? - Don't argue, just get in.- Right.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50Stand by. No, not now!
0:34:02 > 0:34:06Another half mile and we turn left, sir.
0:34:06 > 0:34:11- Thank you.- Excuse me. Mr Jones has turned yellow.
0:34:11 > 0:34:16- Get more blankets on him.- Right. - Shouldn't we get him to a doctor?
0:34:16 > 0:34:21We'd lose the race. It'll wear off.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24- Turning soon!- How sweet!- What?
0:34:24 > 0:34:32- We just passed a dear little cottage, just like Snow White's. - Keep your eye on the road.
0:34:32 > 0:34:37- Mr Mainwaring, Mr Jones isn't yellow any more.- Good, good.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40- He's turned purple.- Good. WHAT ?!
0:34:40 > 0:34:43- He's like a beetroot.- More blankets!
0:34:43 > 0:34:45LEFT !
0:34:45 > 0:34:48That's it.
0:34:53 > 0:34:59- Steam...- Is the engine over-heating? - It's not the engine. What's going on back there?
0:34:59 > 0:35:05- Mr Jones is steaming, sir.- Steaming? - The condensation is everywhere.
0:35:05 > 0:35:09Let him sweat it out! And plenty to drink.
0:35:09 > 0:35:15- He drank half the tonic wine. - Give him the other half.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18Next turning on the left, coming up.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21That's it.
0:35:34 > 0:35:42- How enchanting!- What? - We just passed Snow White's cottage again.- Oh, for heaven's sake.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45What?! We're going in a circle!
0:35:45 > 0:35:48This is YOUR fault, Frazer.
0:35:48 > 0:35:52- What are you doing? - DON'T SHOUT !
0:35:52 > 0:35:58- East Gate are coming up behind us. - Thanks to your bungling, they're catching up!
0:35:58 > 0:36:04- How can I read properly with your jerky driving?!- No insubordination!
0:36:04 > 0:36:07- Take his name, Sergeant.- I know it.
0:36:07 > 0:36:12- They're trying to get past us. - They won't get past ME !
0:36:31 > 0:36:34PULL OVER AND LET THEM PASS !
0:36:34 > 0:36:40- MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS ! - PULL OVER !- CLEAR OFF !
0:36:47 > 0:36:50I mean it! All that going on!
0:36:53 > 0:36:56We'll soon sort that out.
0:36:58 > 0:37:02- What are you doing? - Good job you stopped!
0:37:02 > 0:37:09- Yes. Or I'd have run you over. - Any more of this and you're out of the race.
0:37:09 > 0:37:15- It's not fair!- There's no point in using foul language like that!
0:37:15 > 0:37:22- I didn't use any foul language!- Yes, you did. Luckily, the engine noise stopped the Reverend hearing it.
0:37:22 > 0:37:28- They're getting awfully far ahead. - Can't we discuss this another time?
0:37:28 > 0:37:31I'm making a protest! Vicar...
0:37:31 > 0:37:36We're only here as umpires. Drive on, Mr Hodges.
0:37:41 > 0:37:42Ach!
0:37:45 > 0:37:50Why don't you chuck some water on it? We haven't got any water!
0:37:50 > 0:37:54HORN HONKS What the Devil...?
0:37:54 > 0:37:56CHEERS
0:37:56 > 0:37:59Come back!
0:37:59 > 0:38:02< Get yourself a horse!!
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Seems to be all right now, sir.
0:38:06 > 0:38:10Well done, Sgt! Get in. They can't be far away.
0:38:20 > 0:38:24Get off! How I can I drive like that!
0:38:45 > 0:38:48They've gone that way. Turn round.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51They've gone that way. Turn round.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59Gear...
0:39:03 > 0:39:06They're going THAT way. Turn round.
0:39:06 > 0:39:10They're going THAT way. Turn round.
0:39:11 > 0:39:13Follow them.
0:39:14 > 0:39:18We'll follow them!
0:39:24 > 0:39:28Blimey! Here we go round the mulberry bush!
0:39:32 > 0:39:37Where are they? They should have been here ages ago.
0:40:02 > 0:40:06Back up at once! Do you hear?
0:40:06 > 0:40:09Don't tell ME to back up. YOU back up!
0:40:09 > 0:40:12We'll soon see about THAT !
0:40:22 > 0:40:24Out and push!
0:40:25 > 0:40:28Out and push!
0:40:36 > 0:40:39What's going on? Come on!
0:40:46 > 0:40:48HEAVE !
0:40:48 > 0:40:51- Back up.- Clear off!
0:41:10 > 0:41:15Mr Mainwaring, I think the warden's drowning.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18Quick. Wilson. Come on.
0:41:18 > 0:41:26- No. You stay here. And when they're not looking, let their tyres down.- Tyres down!
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Sir. What is it?
0:41:28 > 0:41:33There's a person in the water. I'll go. You stay here.
0:41:33 > 0:41:38While they're not looking, let their tyres down!
0:41:39 > 0:41:44JONES SINGS TO HIMSELF Get down, you silly old goat.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50Get down!
0:41:58 > 0:42:01- Pull, Mainwaring!- Pull, Square!
0:42:01 > 0:42:05SOLDIERS: They're letting our tyres down! What?
0:42:10 > 0:42:15And now it's the initiative tests. Mr Hodges, carry on!
0:42:15 > 0:42:18- Where's Jones?- They're bringing him.
0:42:21 > 0:42:24Wait here.
0:42:25 > 0:42:31- SLURRED: - I'm all right now. My malaria's completely subsidised.
0:42:31 > 0:42:37- One bottle of Mr Godfrey's wine and I'm a new man!- He's drunk.
0:42:37 > 0:42:40Pay attention, please!
0:42:40 > 0:42:44This is your first initiative test. JONES MUTTERS
0:42:44 > 0:42:50- Are you listening?- Just read it out! You're responsible for him, Wilson.
0:42:50 > 0:42:53- Why should- I- be responsible?
0:42:53 > 0:42:57Can I have some attention, if you don't mind?
0:42:57 > 0:43:04- Over here...- Sssh! Shhh! - ..the verger has hold...- Sssh! - ..of 24 balloons.
0:43:06 > 0:43:11When I say "go", he will release the balloons.
0:43:11 > 0:43:19You will fix bayonets and burst every balloon before moving on. Right, GO !
0:43:21 > 0:43:24Men, fix bayonets and charge!
0:43:32 > 0:43:38Don't panic! Don't panic! I'll get 'em!
0:43:39 > 0:43:46- Wilson, are you a member of this platoon?- I suppose so. - Then burst these balloons.
0:43:48 > 0:43:53I'll fix 'em! They're not going to... Way-hey!
0:43:59 > 0:44:04It won't go in, Mr Mainwaring. They're offering no resistance.
0:44:04 > 0:44:07Stupid boy!
0:44:09 > 0:44:12Hang on! I've got it!
0:44:23 > 0:44:28A safety pin is quite effective. You have to open it, of course.
0:44:34 > 0:44:38I'll fix 'em! I'll get 'em, sir!
0:44:38 > 0:44:40There's a couple!
0:44:47 > 0:44:50I'll get 'em!
0:44:50 > 0:44:52Ah...ah...
0:44:55 > 0:45:00- Next test. That's the lot. - What about THAT one?
0:45:02 > 0:45:08- I'll get it, sir! - Square's lot have finished!
0:45:08 > 0:45:15- You're not leaving till you've got that one. - I'll get it!- Leave it to me.
0:45:16 > 0:45:19- Good heavens!- What do you mean?
0:45:19 > 0:45:22Good heavens! Come on, men!
0:45:22 > 0:45:26You're supposed to do that with your bayonet.
0:45:26 > 0:45:29I'll do YOU with a bayonet!
0:45:31 > 0:45:34I'm rather enjoying this.
0:45:41 > 0:45:48Pay attention. You as well. This tank is full of feathers. Take the feathers
0:45:48 > 0:45:51and put them in barrels over there.
0:45:53 > 0:45:56Ready. Go!
0:45:56 > 0:46:01Don't worry, Mr Mainwaring, I can do this. I'm good at this.
0:46:04 > 0:46:11This is no good. Fill your caps and stuff some feathers inside your tunics.
0:46:11 > 0:46:14- Mr Mainwaring...- Not now, Pike.
0:46:15 > 0:46:20- Mr Mainwaring, could you spare me for a moment?- Certainly not.
0:46:23 > 0:46:27PIKE IS SNEEZING
0:46:27 > 0:46:35- You've had some silly ideas, but this is the silliest. - That's no way to talk me.
0:46:38 > 0:46:40Go, men!
0:46:44 > 0:46:47They're flying everywhere.
0:46:47 > 0:46:52- Mr Mainwaring...- Yes, Pike? - A-a-a-achoo!- Don't waste my time.
0:46:56 > 0:47:01- This isn't working. - Have you any better suggestions?
0:47:01 > 0:47:04- Mr Mainwaring.- Yes?- ACHOO !
0:47:04 > 0:47:10- Don't keep doing that.- Bags!- Yes. Use trousers and tie up the legs.
0:47:12 > 0:47:14- Take your trousers off.- I will not!
0:47:14 > 0:47:22- Take them off.- Why ME ? - You've to set an example. Trousers off!- Why don't YOU ?
0:47:22 > 0:47:27- Stuff feathers down your trousers. - You stuff 'em! >
0:47:27 > 0:47:32This is not a very hygienic way of going on.
0:47:32 > 0:47:37Take your trousers OFF. Tie the bottoms and stuff the legs.
0:47:37 > 0:47:41- What?- Stuff them down the legs!
0:47:53 > 0:48:00- Mr Mainwaring.- Yes?- Why don't we take the barrels to the tank, fill them, then take them back?
0:48:00 > 0:48:04One more stupid suggestion... Good idea!
0:48:04 > 0:48:08Bring the barrels over to the tank.
0:48:08 > 0:48:12Mr Hodges. How's Square's mob getting on?
0:48:12 > 0:48:17Still carrying the feathers. Mainwaring's lot will win.
0:48:17 > 0:48:20We'll soon see about that!
0:48:29 > 0:48:34Mr Hodges! Mainwaring's lot will be here in a minute.
0:48:34 > 0:48:39I'll cook his goose! How? I'll pull the plug out.
0:48:47 > 0:48:50- Hurry up! Get in.- Hey!
0:48:50 > 0:48:58- You can't get in that boat. - Why not?- THAT'S your boat. - Mind your own business.- I insist.
0:48:58 > 0:49:02You are being a frightful bore.
0:49:02 > 0:49:09- PLEASE, get in the other boat. - He's gone off his head. - He always WAS strange.
0:49:09 > 0:49:12- Hurry up, Godfrey.- Yes, sir.
0:49:17 > 0:49:20Isn't this exciting?!
0:49:20 > 0:49:26- Let's see this boat skim across the water.- That'll be difficult.
0:49:26 > 0:49:29- Why?- You haven't untied it yet.
0:49:29 > 0:49:32Cast off.
0:49:39 > 0:49:42Come along, men. In you get.
0:49:42 > 0:49:46I pulled the plug out. You damn fool !
0:49:46 > 0:49:52Why? > To stop Mainwaring's lot. I did it for you.
0:49:52 > 0:49:57There's another boat on that bank. Row over in that dinghy and get it.
0:49:59 > 0:50:02Of course! Sergeant, where are you?
0:50:05 > 0:50:13What were you doing? I took the plug out of that dinghy. It fits this boat.
0:50:13 > 0:50:16I'm afraid it doesn't, sir.
0:50:16 > 0:50:19Don't worry, Captain Square...
0:50:27 > 0:50:30Ohh...ohh... Here we go again!
0:51:05 > 0:51:08Put that cigarette out, Walker.
0:51:08 > 0:51:11Not long ago, you were glad of it!
0:51:15 > 0:51:18This one's for you, Mainwaring!
0:51:28 > 0:51:31I'll get you, Mainwaring!
0:51:39 > 0:51:45- No sign of Captain Square, sir. - Looks as if we've won, Wilson.
0:51:45 > 0:51:49Run to the top of the tower and raise your flag.
0:51:49 > 0:51:53Very good, sir. Why are you shaking, Jones?
0:51:53 > 0:52:00- Not another attack of malaria? - No. I always fire like this, sir. - Get on!
0:52:00 > 0:52:04- Hurry up, Jonesy. - Flag, Wilson.
0:52:04 > 0:52:09- What flag?- The platoon flag. - You didn't say anything about it.
0:52:09 > 0:52:14- I told you to bring the flag! - I have it.- Well done, Frazer.
0:52:15 > 0:52:17Finished!
0:52:20 > 0:52:23- Finished firing, sir.- Off you go.
0:52:23 > 0:52:26Godfrey, stay here. Men, follow me!
0:52:41 > 0:52:46- Right, Pike, you take the flag. - Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
0:52:49 > 0:52:51Hurry up!
0:52:53 > 0:53:00- It's the rhythm that gets you up the stairs.- Another flight and I'd have passed out.
0:53:00 > 0:53:05- Know how to do that? - There should be a loop.
0:53:05 > 0:53:08The loop must be here somewhere.
0:53:08 > 0:53:14- Here we are.- You've pulled the loop out of the pulley at the end!
0:53:15 > 0:53:20Any more insubordination and I shall complain to your mother!
0:53:20 > 0:53:24We're supposed to fly the flag. We can't.
0:53:24 > 0:53:27- I'll get it! I'll fix it!- Jones!
0:53:27 > 0:53:32- I'll shin out and back. - Wilson, get him back!
0:53:32 > 0:53:35- I- can't stop him!
0:53:35 > 0:53:38Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring!
0:53:38 > 0:53:42- What is it? - That tonic wine is marvellous!
0:53:42 > 0:53:45Come back in!
0:53:45 > 0:53:52Don't worry about me. I'm as agile as a monkey, I am. Agile as a monkey!
0:53:52 > 0:53:57- The man's a fool.- A brave one. - He does it to create an impression.
0:53:57 > 0:54:00- Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring!!- Yes?
0:54:00 > 0:54:06- I've reached the end. What'll I do? - Thread the rope through the pulley.
0:54:06 > 0:54:12- Yes, Mr... What rope? - The rope that the flag's attached to.- Where is it?
0:54:12 > 0:54:16- Here.- Here. What's it doing here?!
0:54:17 > 0:54:20Mr Mainwaring, throw it to me.
0:54:23 > 0:54:28- Godfrey, get a blanket. - I don't need one. I'm not cold.
0:54:28 > 0:54:32- But if you fall... - I won't be cold if I fall.
0:54:32 > 0:54:35You will be when you hit the ground.
0:54:35 > 0:54:38Back, back, back...
0:54:38 > 0:54:41Right, right...left, left...
0:54:41 > 0:54:43Here!
0:54:44 > 0:54:49- Can't you throw it any nearer? - I'm trying!
0:54:49 > 0:54:54Let ME try. Dinnae miss this, you silly old twerp!
0:54:54 > 0:54:56Got it!
0:54:56 > 0:55:01Forward a bit! Forward...forward...forward.
0:55:01 > 0:55:06Bit to the right. Bit to the right...left...
0:55:06 > 0:55:08Oooh! Weh-ah!
0:55:08 > 0:55:15- Mr Mainwaring.- Yes? - The wine's going to me head. Everything's going sideways.
0:55:15 > 0:55:20Thread the rope through the pulley and get back here.
0:55:20 > 0:55:23Right-o, Mr Mainwaring.
0:55:23 > 0:55:26Oh, it's come away.
0:55:31 > 0:55:39- It's like threading a camel through the eye of a needle. - Come back!- Back in a minute!
0:55:40 > 0:55:43Come on. They haven't got their flag up yet.
0:55:45 > 0:55:53- Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring!- Yes? - I've got it! I've got it! - APPLAUSE
0:55:56 > 0:56:01I've got it. I've got. Oh, nearly got me top set out.
0:56:03 > 0:56:08There we are. That's it. It's all right...
0:56:15 > 0:56:23- Mr Mainwaring, you saved my life again. You're always doing that. You deserve a kiss...- No, no!
0:56:23 > 0:56:28Wah! It's started again, Mr Mainwaring! It's started again!
0:56:30 > 0:56:32Quickly!
0:56:32 > 0:56:35Go and get some blankets, Wilson.
0:56:35 > 0:56:38More tonic wine! More tonic wine!
0:56:38 > 0:56:40Look!
0:56:41 > 0:56:44What the devil's going on here?
0:56:44 > 0:56:51- You've lost.- We were here first. - But you didn't get your flag out.
0:56:51 > 0:56:54Number One Platoon. Mainwaring's won!
0:56:54 > 0:57:01- I shall make a formal protest! - But it's OUR flag that's flying.
0:57:01 > 0:57:06What? You blithering idiot! You've flown their flag!
0:57:07 > 0:57:10It was the one you gave me, sir.
0:57:10 > 0:57:15- What is the meaning of this? - It means you've lost!
0:57:15 > 0:57:20I've got a suspicion that you're a rank outsider.
0:57:23 > 0:57:26Here's their flag. Chuck it over.
0:57:26 > 0:57:33- Excuse me!- Oh, no, no! I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mr Wilson. - Wait a minute.
0:57:33 > 0:57:36Wait a minute.
0:57:36 > 0:57:41That's OUR flag. And THAT'S our flag.
0:57:41 > 0:57:44Ah, yes, now, well...
0:57:45 > 0:57:53What happened was, I made a flag for us, and it wasn't up to standard, so I made another.
0:57:53 > 0:58:01I must have got the other one mixed up with their platoon's flag. What a terrible mistake!
0:58:01 > 0:58:04I don't believe one word.
0:58:04 > 0:58:10- I didn't think you would. Anyway, it WAS an initiative test. - That's true.
0:58:10 > 0:58:15- I don't approve of this. You behaved badly.- Yes, sir.
0:58:15 > 0:58:20If any of you others were in this, you have incurred my displeasure.
0:58:20 > 0:58:24All the same, I'm damned glad we won!
0:59:05 > 0:59:09Subtitles by Janice Hamilton BBC Scotland, 1992