0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler
0:00:07 > 0:00:12# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# We are the boys Who will stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# We are the boys Who will make you think again
0:00:22 > 0:00:27# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:55 > 0:00:59'On sea and air the struggle continues.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04'Our Army continues to fight with the gallantry of our great tradition.
0:01:04 > 0:01:11'Let us not forget the citizens who, after a hard day's work, go on parade as Local Defence Volunteers.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15'Here, they have a few surprises for any unwelcome enemy visitors.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27'Shortage of weapons is no handicap.
0:01:27 > 0:01:34'Everything that can be used to harass the enemy is pressed into service.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38'They have an unbreakable will and an iron resolve,
0:01:38 > 0:01:43'and if Adolf ever tries to set foot on this green and pleasant land,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45'he'll be chased back into the sea.'
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Right, at ease, everybody.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Squad...'shun! Stand at ease.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Squad...'shun!
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Stand at ease.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Squad...'shun!
0:02:03 > 0:02:08I think it would save time, sir, if we were just to settle for that.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Yes. We'll go on to the next bit.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Oh, yes. Squad present and correct, sir.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- Very smart, Corporal.- Sir!
0:02:20 > 0:02:25- Where did you get that smart hat? - Fell off the back of a lorry, sir.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30- Stood up to it well. That needs sharpening.- It was all right when I carved the joint on Sunday.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34How did you get a joint? I only served you with a pork chop!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Mind your own business!
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- All right, that'll do. - He's registered with me, sir.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45- Look after your arms.- I'd rather have a rifle.- They'll come soon.
0:02:45 > 0:02:52- Pike, I told you - no mufflers on parade. Grenadier Guards don't wear them, do they?- I've never looked.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57- They don't!- I've got a note from my mum.- Note?! You're in the Army now!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- I think you ought to read it. - Oh, very well.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07"Frank is starting with his chest again.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12"If he can't wear his muffler he must come home or he will catch his death."
0:03:12 > 0:03:16He can't wear it on parade!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18It makes the platoon look ludicrous.
0:03:18 > 0:03:23- Perhaps he can wear it on patrol, sir. What time are you on?- 10 till 12.- It'll be dark then.- Very well.
0:03:23 > 0:03:28- Take it off now and wear it on patrol.- (Thank you.)
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- What's this?- Stones, sir.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33For my catapult.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38This is war, Frazer! We should draw the line at juvenile toys.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43- Yes, sir.- Ask the sergeant before bringing weapons on parade.- I did.
0:03:43 > 0:03:48- Oh?- In the absence of rifles, it seemed a useful medium-range weapon.
0:03:48 > 0:03:53- I used to be a dab hand, sir, when I was a boy.- That's a long time ago!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56I just hit my target at 100 yards.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59A Belisha beacon, smashed to smithereens!
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Well, put it away. Conkers next(?)
0:04:02 > 0:04:06- Will we get our weapons soon, sir? - I hope so, Frazer.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10- Thank God! - Look to your front, Godfrey!
0:04:10 > 0:04:17Take that smile off your face. This is a military inspection, not an advertisement.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19At ease!
0:04:19 > 0:04:24I'll read the notices, then we'll carry on with unarmed combat.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- Unarmed combat, just about our mark!- Pay attention.
0:04:30 > 0:04:37Now, Mrs Samways, the guide mistress, has requested that when we do arms drill in the guide hut,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39we omit the order "slope arms".
0:04:39 > 0:04:45The points of your halberds went through the roof and when it rains she has to send half her troop home.
0:04:46 > 0:04:54We have to be careful we don't get ourselves a bad name with other organisations. Here is an example.
0:04:54 > 0:05:02Mrs Samways has also complained that last night her assistant, Miss Beckwith,
0:05:02 > 0:05:05was followed home by one of our men,
0:05:05 > 0:05:11who, she alleges, shone a torch on her legs and muttered, "Cor, what a pair of gamaroos!"
0:05:11 > 0:05:18That's not the sort of thing I want to hear about my unit. Pike, Walker, Jones - you were all on patrol.
0:05:18 > 0:05:23- I won't ask who did it. It mustn't happen again.- Permission to speak.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- Yes, Corporal?- I'd like to confess, it was me.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28I'm surprised at you, Jones.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I don't know what come over me.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Don't let it come over you again.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Very embarrassing for a young girl. Supposing it had been Mrs Samways?
0:05:36 > 0:05:41- That would have been all right. - Why?- I wouldn't have bothered!
0:05:41 > 0:05:46- Silence in the ranks! - There's one more thing.
0:05:46 > 0:05:52- You'll be pleased to hear the Spitfire Fund stands at £3 9/4d. - Awfully good, sir!
0:05:52 > 0:05:58- Now, on the word "move", gather round for a further lecture on unarmed combat.- All right.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03Off you go. In a circle. Pay attention, everybody.
0:06:03 > 0:06:11- Are you volunteering to be attacker again, Jones?- We've got to do something, sir, with no rifles yet.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Yes, Jones.
0:06:13 > 0:06:20Last night, we dealt with countermeasures against an assailant with a dagger...
0:06:20 > 0:06:25Yes, yes! In view of last night's incident, we'll dispense with this.
0:06:25 > 0:06:30- That's probably very wise. Use that one.- May we?- Right, sir.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35Now... Having taken the blow under the knife on the left forearm,
0:06:35 > 0:06:42you will recall that the next move is to grasp the assailant by the wrist...so. Is that it, Sergeant?
0:06:42 > 0:06:47Yes, sir. That's where we got before the doctor arrived.
0:06:47 > 0:06:52Next, we knock out our opponent, either with the hand against
0:06:52 > 0:06:54the throat, a knee in the groin,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57or jab two fingers in his eyes.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01- Stand behind, Wilson, in case he falls.- All right.- It's all right.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05I shan't fall over. I won yesterday!
0:07:07 > 0:07:12This jabbing in the eyes business - what happens if he's wearing specs, like him?
0:07:12 > 0:07:18That's a good question. The chaps in Whitehall who wrote this manual have thought of that.
0:07:18 > 0:07:25They recommend that you shove the index and second fingers up the assailant's nostrils.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Unpleasant business, but it IS war.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32And what do you do if he's wearing a gas mask?
0:07:32 > 0:07:37Ah! Now, that's a very good question. Isn't it, Sergeant?
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Yes, indeed it is, sir. It's a very good question.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45What do we do if he's wearing a service respirator?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Call things by the proper name.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- Anything in the manual?- Nothing, sir.- There you are.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Even the Whitehall johnnies have not considered it.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59But they are not frontline fighting troops like we are.
0:07:59 > 0:08:05What do we do? I'll tell you what. We improvise. Put on your gas mask.
0:08:05 > 0:08:12- Service respirator, sir! - Quite right, Sergeant. I am subject to human weakness like any of us.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- Do you mind...? ..Mind holding that, please?- Yes, of course.- Corporal!
0:08:21 > 0:08:27- This is supposed to be in a state of instant readiness!- They're cat pieces for Mrs Forster's cat.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31She helps me count the coupons in the evening, so I see her cat right.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Now...we can't put our fingers in his eyes,
0:08:45 > 0:08:48or up his nostrils.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57Which is presumably why you asked the question, Frazer.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59What are we to do? Any suggestions?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Breathe on his window!- Breathe...?!
0:09:05 > 0:09:07That doesn't really work, you see.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10You blew. You should have "huh"-ed.
0:09:10 > 0:09:17- I see. Would you care to have a go, Sergeant?- It's the celluloid material, sir. It doesn't steam up.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20It's getting steamed up in here!
0:09:20 > 0:09:24That's the answer, sir. Just hold him till he gets steamed up!
0:09:24 > 0:09:30Possibly. Thank you. Ah! I have it! We cut off the air supply.
0:09:30 > 0:09:37Place a palm against the air intake, or in the case of the service respirator, squeeze the tube.
0:09:37 > 0:09:44Now, you know as well as I do that however tough a fighter is, be he Nazi stormtrooper, SS or just Fritz,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47he cannot survive long without an air supply...
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- Get his gas mask off!- Service respirator, sir!- Get it off!
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- Are you feeling better now, Jones? - Oh! Sorry, sir. I was overcome, sir.
0:10:05 > 0:10:11- It wasn't your fault.- No, sir. I wouldn't normally snuff out, sir.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14My mor-OLE's shattered, sir.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18I try to keep it from the men, but what can you do with a shattered morOLE?
0:10:18 > 0:10:23- Yes, I'm terribly sorry. I feel entirely responsible.- It's not you.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28It's the women. They come in the shop trying to get a bit on the side.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34I'd like to oblige them, but I can't, sir.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I mean, what can I say to them?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I'm used to joints, Mr Mainwaring.
0:10:39 > 0:10:44Sirloins, topsides, spare ribs, wing ribs.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Legs of lamb, legs of pork, of all sizes and descriptions.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51You mention it, I've sliced it, sir.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Now, all I can give them is a measly 1s/10d.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58They don't realise the precision involved.
0:10:58 > 0:11:05You're slicing it with a shaky hand, put it on the scales, 4d light - all hell let loose.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- It happens to all of us. - Remember there's a war on.
0:11:08 > 0:11:16I'm sitting in the shop with just a couple of rabbits hanging up, and a tin of corned beef in the window.
0:11:16 > 0:11:21If that ain't bad enough, after I've finished work and had me cup of tea,
0:11:21 > 0:11:26I take me assegai out and sharpen it up a bit and come on down to parade,
0:11:26 > 0:11:31and I think, "They're going to give me a rifle tonight", but there never is.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34There never is!
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- Our first casualty, Wilson.- Yes.
0:11:40 > 0:11:47- I'm surprised at Jones.- I had my doubts.- Nonsense. He's only dying for a crack at Jerry, like us all.
0:11:47 > 0:11:53- Unless we get...- Oh!- ..rifles soon, morale will drop to rock bottom.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Right. I'll put a stop to this.
0:11:56 > 0:12:02- Tell them I will see they get rifles this week.- Any idea...? - Don't argue, just do it.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I don't know what we'd do without you, Mr Mainwaring.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17You're our inspiration.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26The hour...
0:12:26 > 0:12:28and the man.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33# If ever a heart was in the right place to beat strong... #
0:12:33 > 0:12:38- Anything else?- Only this - Mr Adams from the music shop.
0:12:38 > 0:12:44- He issued that cheque and there was nothing to meet it. - He's not doing very well, is he?
0:12:44 > 0:12:51He over-orders. He has 400 records of We'll Hang Out The Washing On The Siegfried Line.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- He won't get rid of those now.- No.
0:12:54 > 0:13:00- Can we heat them to make nut bowls? - There are no nuts, sir!- Poor fellow.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- But he's got the right spirit, Wilson.- Oh, yes, indeed.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08We're slow to rouse in this country. We don't like wars and bloodshed.
0:13:08 > 0:13:14But once we knuckle down, we fight best. He should keep his records.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17We WILL hang out our washing on the Siegfried Line!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- Cash his cheque.- All right, sir.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- Any news from HQ?- No, not a thing.
0:13:23 > 0:13:29I think you were hasty, promising rifles before the end of the week.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- Well, I had to tell them something. Boost morale.- Yes.
0:13:33 > 0:13:40- As you're busy, I thought you might like your tea in here, sir.- Ah, Miss King, very kind of you. Put it down.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- What a nice girl.- Charming.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- Just look at that, Wilson. - What's that, sir?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Not a single currant in it.
0:13:54 > 0:13:59- Remember the buns full of fruit we had before?- Yes, marvellous. Look!
0:13:59 > 0:14:04- I'm lucky. Look!- You got the wrong one.- You left it behind, sir!
0:14:04 > 0:14:09- Well, at least give me a currant. - Of course. There.- You dropped it!
0:14:09 > 0:14:14- So sorry...- You are a clumsy fellow!- Please don't panic, sir.
0:14:14 > 0:14:19- It must be here.- I'll have to do without.- Colonel Square to see you.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24- I don't know a Colonel Square. Do you?- Me neither, sir.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Marsham Hall? Wonder what he wants.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- Show him in, Miss King.- Yes, sir.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32Main-waring?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- Ah! Do sit down, Colonel.- Thank you.
0:14:35 > 0:14:40- It's pronounced Mannering.- Why the devil don't you spell it Mannering?
0:14:40 > 0:14:44- You the LDV fella?- Yes. - I'll come straight to the point.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49So far, the War Office have no job for me. A man of my experience!
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- Four years in the desert, 1915-19. Heard of El-Lawrence?- Beg pardon?
0:14:53 > 0:14:58El-Lawrence, man, El-Lawrence!
0:14:58 > 0:15:03What do you see in your mind's eye when I say that word, El-Lawrence?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I'm not very sure. What do you see in your mind's eye, Wilson?
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- An ice cream, sir? - No, that's Eldorado!
0:15:12 > 0:15:19- No, no, no! I'm talking about Lawrence of Arabia!- Oh, I see. - I served with him. Ah!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21..Got it!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Damn good eye for a fly, you know.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Sir, look! The one that got away!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Oh! Aha! Thank you!
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I say! Do you always eat 'em?!
0:15:47 > 0:15:49We can't afford to waste them!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Very hard to come by in wartime.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55How extraordinary!
0:15:55 > 0:16:00- Well, now, when do I take over? - Take over?!
0:16:00 > 0:16:04The platoon, man! If I'm joining, I have to take over.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09I'm the captain and Wilson's the sergeant. We might need a corporal.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Corporal?! Are you mad?
0:16:11 > 0:16:18Either I'm in complete charge or I don't join. Another platoon would welcome me...and my rifles.
0:16:18 > 0:16:24- Rifles?!- Yes, about 20. Don't you want them?- Of course!- So do others.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28I know it's a blow. You chaps want to be generals overnight.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Know nothing about soldiering.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34War is a serious professional business,
0:16:34 > 0:16:38calling for men trained in guerrilla warfare, like me.
0:16:38 > 0:16:43March your men to my house at 6.30 and I'll make soldiers out of you.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Don't be late. There's work to do.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52- Of all the damned impertinence! - It's going to be awfully difficult.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- Difficult?- It's a terrible decision for you, sir.
0:16:56 > 0:17:02- What decision? Can't have that old fool in command.- He IS a DSO.
0:17:02 > 0:17:07I'm not saying he's not a brave old fool. No doubt he is. Plenty cheek!
0:17:07 > 0:17:13- He's commanded guerrillas.- In 1917. Does he know modern warfare?- Do we?
0:17:13 > 0:17:18- Are you suggesting I should stand down?- I'm not suggesting anything.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21It'd have to be your own decision.
0:17:21 > 0:17:28But our unit isn't like Arabs in the desert. Our men are British. They've got to be led, not bullied.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31You need the right personality.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35I see that point, sir. But which is the most important weapon -
0:17:35 > 0:17:38your personality or his rifles?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42# Blue skies are round the corner
0:17:42 > 0:17:46# Walk round the corner with me... #
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Well, are they here yet? What?
0:17:50 > 0:17:54The rifles. We're living on promises, Frazer.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59Well, I'm not marching through the streets any more with this thing.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Kids shout, "Mister, can we borrow your toasting fork?"
0:18:03 > 0:18:08Quite right. One offered to lend me his toy cap pistol.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10He offered it to me too. I took it.
0:18:10 > 0:18:16We'll be lucky to get rifles in time to salute victory! What's he doing?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Telephoning HQ.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23The matter is very urgent. ..Yes, I'll hold on. ..The quartermaster.
0:18:23 > 0:18:30- I see.- Sir.- Yes, Walker?- I've been on the blower to a geezer in the Smoke. I can get you the rifles.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35- £18 a time.- Out of the question, Walker.- Where do they come from?
0:18:35 > 0:18:40Ah, well, you don't ask, do you? He's very reliable, this geezer.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Used to knock them off for the IRA.
0:18:43 > 0:18:50- He's prepared to throw in ten rounds per magazine, special offer.- Sorry.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Got a Lewis gun for £100.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55£100? That seems rather a lot.
0:18:55 > 0:19:00I told him he was being greedy. Come here. I look at it this way.
0:19:00 > 0:19:05That bank of yours is full of oncers. Only you two count them.
0:19:05 > 0:19:10Your suggestion is outrageous, Walker! Kindly rejoin your platoon.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Well, if you change your mind.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Hey - meals bonds, quid each?
0:19:17 > 0:19:18No!
0:19:19 > 0:19:26Hello? Mainwaring here. It's about these rifles, sir.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28..But couldn't you let me have half a dozen?
0:19:28 > 0:19:36There's divisions of ruthless armed men across the Channel, and I've only got pick handles. ..I see.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Oh, very well. Thank you.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- No luck.- No luck?
0:19:41 > 0:19:46- Your paper, sir.- Thank you, Pike. ..Just look at that.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- Mmm? Oh, she's rather attractive! - Not that! Here!
0:19:49 > 0:19:54"Invasion barges moving down from the north." And my men unarmed.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- Pity you promised.- It's not that.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02If Hitler kicks off, this town will go down in history for stopping him.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05We can do it - IF we have guns.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08There's only one solution, Wilson.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13My personal pride must not stand in the way of the defence of the realm.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- Call the men in. We're marching... to Marsham Hall.- All right.
0:20:17 > 0:20:22# It's a hap-hap-happy day For you and me, for us and we
0:20:22 > 0:20:25# All the clouds have rolled away It's a hap-hap-happy day
0:20:25 > 0:20:28# Toodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-ay
0:20:28 > 0:20:30# The sun shines bright And the world's all right
0:20:30 > 0:20:32# It's a hap-hap-happy day... #
0:20:34 > 0:20:39Platoon 1, B Company, Local Defence Volunteers reporting to Col Square.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Tradesmen's entrance round the back.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47# ..It's a hap-hap-happy day!
0:20:47 > 0:20:51# Four and twenty sunbeams Are dancing round my face
0:20:51 > 0:20:55# Four score and twenty more Are dancing every place
0:20:55 > 0:21:00# It's a hap-hap-happy day Toodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-ay
0:21:00 > 0:21:02# You can't go wrong If you sing a song... #
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Squad...halt!
0:21:05 > 0:21:06Left turn.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Well, you may wonder why I've brought you here.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I am placing this unit
0:21:14 > 0:21:18under the command of Col Square. I am doing this
0:21:18 > 0:21:24because he has the knowledge to turn you into a fine fighting unit. He also has the rifles.
0:21:24 > 0:21:30- I think you will find in him an officer of distinction...- Charge!
0:21:35 > 0:21:40Your first lesson, Captain! A man mounted is superior to one on foot.
0:21:40 > 0:21:45- He seems a bit doolally. - You gave us a bit of a start, sir.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Exactly. And we'll give the Hun a start.
0:21:48 > 0:21:53Fast, mobile, mounted patrols striking from the hills.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Squad...'shun!
0:21:56 > 0:22:01- Left...turn! - FEET CRUNCH ON GRAVEL - Quick...march!
0:22:01 > 0:22:07Did you hear that, Wilson? Absurd. Cavalry went out with the ark.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Humour him. We need those rifles.
0:22:10 > 0:22:16# Let's celebrate Let's get that holiday spirit
0:22:16 > 0:22:20# We've got our hair down now
0:22:20 > 0:22:24# Let's shout it out So everybody can hear it... #
0:22:24 > 0:22:27LAUGHTER DROWNS SONG
0:22:28 > 0:22:33# It's a hap-hap-happy day Toodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-ay
0:22:33 > 0:22:35# For you and me... #
0:22:35 > 0:22:37These are your chargers.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41The horse is a noble, faithful and obedient animal.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46He has marched side by side with man along the road to civilisation,
0:22:46 > 0:22:51proving himself a staunch friend. Wilson, MAINwaring, get 'em mounted.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Stand still or I'll turn you into glue!
0:23:20 > 0:23:25# It's a hap-hap-happy day Toodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-ay
0:23:25 > 0:23:27# You can't go wrong If you sing this song
0:23:27 > 0:23:29# It's a hap-hap-happy day...! #
0:23:39 > 0:23:45Come along, men! Sit up straight. Be proud of your horses.
0:23:45 > 0:23:51- Shall I ring for the ambulance now, sir?- Ground's soft. We may be lucky.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53They're fine-looking animals.
0:23:53 > 0:23:58- ..Did the colonel breed 'em? - No, sir. He's looking after them.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00They belong to Bailey's Circus.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Come on, now! Sit up straight!
0:24:34 > 0:24:37You're like sacks of sherbet!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Here, man, take this sabre.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47What the hell are you doing?! Take the sabre in your hand!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I can't! I'm hanging onto me horse!
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Duck! Duck!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Duck! Duck!
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Help! Hang on, Jonesey! I'll save you!
0:25:08 > 0:25:15Sir, we've got more chance against Hitler with you and pikes than with him and four-footed dragons!
0:25:15 > 0:25:20That's good of you, Frazer. I've only allowed you to go through all this because we need the rifles.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Here's the rifles, sir. Have a look at them.
0:25:24 > 0:25:31Great heavens! This is war, not The Desert Song. We've been hoodwinked.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- Wilson, march the platoon back to the church hall.- Sir.
0:25:34 > 0:25:42# Good night, children every-y-where! #
0:25:52 > 0:25:59- "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, And blaming it on you..."- Sir!
0:25:59 > 0:26:04- The men are waiting for you to talk to them.- Don't panic, Wilson.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07I think you were rash, promising rifles before the end of the week.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11A commander has to take decisions. That's what makes him a leader.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15- TELEPHONE RINGS - This may be good news. ..Mainwaring.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Yes. ..Yes.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21..Oh. I see. Thank you very much.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25- News of the rifles, sir? - No, I'm afraid not.
0:26:25 > 0:26:30A message from GHQ to say we are no longer the Local Defence Volunteers.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32From now on, we're the Home Guard.
0:26:32 > 0:26:37- It sounds rather nice, sir.- It'll frighten the Germans to death(!)
0:26:37 > 0:26:44Now they face an unarmed pack of Home Guards instead of an unarmed pack of Local Defence Volunteers!
0:26:44 > 0:26:50- Tell the men I'm coming.- What will you say?- I don't know.- ..Right, sir.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55- KNOCK - Come in.- Captain MAIN-waring, sir?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57- Mannering, yes.- Oh! Evening, sir.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00I've got 500 armbands for you, sir.
0:27:03 > 0:27:09- LDV? You're a bit late, aren't you? - I got here as soon as I could, sir. Sign here, sir.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16And here, sir.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22And, er...over the page, sir.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- Once more.- Oh, for Heaven's sake!
0:27:35 > 0:27:40Thank you, sir. Put the rest of the stuff by the door, Bert. 'Night, sir.
0:27:40 > 0:27:45- Good night.- That's right. Nice and tidy there. Good lad.
0:28:01 > 0:28:06- Sir, the men are still waiting. - Thank you, Wilson.- Have you decided what you're going to say to them?
0:28:06 > 0:28:12Yes. I'll thank the men and tell them their trust in their leader was not misplaced.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Oh! That's rather good.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27DISGRUNTLED MURMURS >
0:28:39 > 0:28:42HOORAY!