0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:12 > 0:00:16# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:16 > 0:00:21# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:53 > 0:00:57'Day after day, the German Luftwaffe continues to attack our shores,
0:00:57 > 0:01:01'and day after day, the RAF takes its heavy toll.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03'This beautiful summer of 1940
0:01:03 > 0:01:06'will be remembered as Britain's finest hour.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09'But let us not forget the men on the ground.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13'Apart from the regular army, there is Britain's citizen army -
0:01:13 > 0:01:15the Home Guard.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17'So far, they haven't been issued with tanks,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19'but are they prepared to wait?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21'Not Tommy Atkins!
0:01:21 > 0:01:22'What they lack in equipment,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25'they certainly make up with ingenuity
0:01:25 > 0:01:28'and British bulldog fighting spirit.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39'Watch this. It's the latest in flame-throwers.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41'A veteran of many campaigns
0:01:41 > 0:01:44'demonstrates the deadly effect of this weapon.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54'So watch out, Adolf! We're on the home ground now.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57'And what's more, we're preparing a warm welcome.'
0:01:59 > 0:02:02# Oh, you'd never miss the old faces
0:02:02 > 0:02:05# You'd never miss the old places... #
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Bottoms!
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- I beg your pardon, Pike?- Bottoms!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Bottoms! Bottoms! Oh, and tops!
0:02:12 > 0:02:14What are you talking about, Pike?
0:02:14 > 0:02:17The uniform bottoms and tops have arrived, sir.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Why didn't you say so in the first place? Where are they?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- Mr Wilson's signing for them now.- I signed for them. There are 25 pairs.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27- There are 17 of us. That's 1.5 pairs each. How many caps?- 16, sir.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Ah, that's one short. That'll lead to trouble, Wilson.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Perhaps the fellow with no cap could get an extra pair of trousers.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35What good will that do?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37As we've only got five rifles,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39why don't we let him have a rifle all the time?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41No, that would upset the rifle rota.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Plus the man with the rifle doesn't have a water bottle, so that upsets the bottle rota.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- I can't keep on altering all the rotas.- No, I agree.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51You've taken great pains over them.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54And a great deal of thought. It's time someone else drew them up.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58- Take it in turns, you mean?- Yes. - Good idea. Draw up a rota for it.
0:02:58 > 0:03:03Sir, why don't you let me take back a pair of trousers down to GHQ,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05and I'll swap it for another cap?
0:03:05 > 0:03:10- A very good idea, Pike. Nearly 5.30. Off you go.- Right.- Good idea, Pike.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Where are you going? It's only 5.15.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19It's all right, Miss King, you can go too.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Oh! Thank you very much, sir.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28- Miss King?- Yes, sir?- Draw those blinds on your way out, will you?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- Sort these trousers out.- Yes.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- T-T-F-N!- Good night, Miss King! - Mind my bike, girl.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42Is it fair that we choose ours before the others get a chance?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44It's not a question of choosing, is it?
0:03:44 > 0:03:49- It's a question of making sure we get a good fit.- I suppose so.
0:03:49 > 0:03:54Oh, dear. Not really any sizes on them. They seem to be all right.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59..I think I've got these on back to front.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- Mine are the same, sir. - No flies.- No flies.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06- It's quite all right. They're at the side.- The side?!
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- How very inconvenient.- Yes.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14PHONE RINGS
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Mainwaring here. Yes. Yes.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25What?!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I see. Thank you very much indeed.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31It seems there's been a mistake. They're not intended for us.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- Who were they intended for?- The ATS.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40All right, at ease, everybody.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Squad, 'shun!
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Slope arms!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46ALL: One-two-three, one-two-three, one!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48- One.- All right.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Centre rank...
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Centre rank, slope arms!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58ALL: One-two-three, one-two-three, one!
0:04:58 > 0:05:03- Men ready for your inspection, sir. - You missed a rank out.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Have I? Sorry, sir.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07All right, rear rank, slope arms!
0:05:07 > 0:05:10ALL: One-two-three, one-two-three, one!
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- Men NOW ready for your inspection, sir.- Stand the men at ease.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- Really a waste of time...- Wilson! - All right, sir.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20All right... Order arms!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22ALL: One-two-three, one-two-three, one!
0:05:22 > 0:05:23One!
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Stand at ease!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Well, we got some good news today, men.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- We've had an issue of field service caps.- Oh, that's good, sir.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34After the command, "Fall out,"
0:05:34 > 0:05:36collect your caps from Lance Corporal Jones
0:05:36 > 0:05:38and gather round for a lecture.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Platoon, fall out!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Give us a six-and-seven-eighths, will you?
0:05:45 > 0:05:49You'll be lucky. They're large, medium or small.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- In that case, I'll have a large. - There you are, big head. - I'm the same.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- I want a small one, please. - There you are, Mr Godfrey.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Which side do you put them on?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01You put them on the right side, like that.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Does it suit me?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05If you're retreating - it's on back to front.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09You don't expect me to stick that thing on me head?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13You can stick it where you like. I'm just the man that gives 'em out.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Pay attention. Gather round! Come along. Quickly.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Now, let's sum up our situation.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23In spite of shortages,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26we've made ourselves into a compact fighting unit.
0:06:26 > 0:06:31We have five rifles, ten rounds for each rifle, four water bottles,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34and, now, we've got a cap each.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Not to mention the equipment we've improvised ourselves.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Quite an advance on the early days, eh?
0:06:40 > 0:06:41ALL: Yes, sir.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Well, today, I want to deal with enemy agents.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47They're being dropped all over the place, in various disguises -
0:06:47 > 0:06:50nuns, priests, peasants, police...
0:06:51 > 0:06:55In fact, some might be in disguise as British Army officers.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58And they'd come up to you and give you stupid instructions.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Then how do you tell the difference?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05If you use your head, Fraser,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08you can always tell when a man is really British.
0:07:10 > 0:07:16HEAVY GERMAN ACCENT: Excuse, please. Is this the HQ of the platoon company Home Guard?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Yes, it is. What can we do for you?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22I'm from HQ area command.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- I should like to ask a few questions, please.- Yes, certainly, Captain.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- Corporal, carry on with rifle maintenance.- Right, sir.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31What did you want to know, sir?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I want to know exactly what weapons you have.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Well, at the moment...
0:07:35 > 0:07:40Just a moment, sir. Excuse me, Captain. Would you, for one second?
0:07:40 > 0:07:45How do we... How do we know that he's not a German spy?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Of course he isn't. He's in a British Army officer's uniform.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51The accent doesn't exactly match the uniform, does it?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Oh, don't let's be snobbish, Wilson.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56You don't have to be a public school man to get a commission.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00- It's wartime.- Look at his cheek - he's got a duelling scar!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Some pretty rum goings-on at Oxford in the '20s, you know.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06You may be right, even so.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- If you are, I'll soon put a stop to his little game.- Right, sir.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- So, you want to know what kind of weapons we have?- That is right.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Right.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Come here, Frazer. Well, we have this for a start.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- Get your hands up.- Beg pardon? - Get 'em up!- But...
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Corporal? Cover this man.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- Right, sir.- But you don't... - Be silent. Get your hands up!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Look here, this is...
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- What do we do now, Wilson?- You ought to have a staff meeting, sir.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Good idea. Corporal Jones!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35- Corporal!- We don't want that, "Ja, ja, nein, nein".- JONES!
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- What, sir?- Get over here.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Hang on to this.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41If he as much as bats an eye, let him have it. Right up.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I showed him the cold steel, sir. It never fails.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49They don't like it up 'em, you know, sir. They don't like it up 'em.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Control yourself.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Sorry, sir. It's going into action after all these years.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55We ought to make sure he really is a Nazi
0:08:55 > 0:08:57- before we hand him over to the authorities.- Yes.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00There's only one thing to do - we must grill him.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Over a slow fire!
0:09:02 > 0:09:07That'll make him talk, sir. We did that in the Sudan, sir.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Pull yourself together, Corporal.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10We're not savages.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- Everything will be done according to the Geneva Convention.- Yes, sir.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18What does it say? Ah, here we are - interrogation of enemy suspects.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- Ah - a pronunciation test. - Right, sir.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Now, I want you to say after me a few simple English words.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28A few simple English words.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I haven't started.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Now, say, "soothe".
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Sooze.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35- Wrong.- Ronk.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Wretch.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Wretch.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- Rats.- Rits.- No, RATS.- I said RITS!
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Those.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Zoze.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52What would you...?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54What would Mrs Mop say to you?
0:09:54 > 0:09:58She would say, "Can I do you now, sir?"
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Here's a good one, sir. Who won the boat race in 1935?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- Cambridge.- He's right, you know.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- It was raining at the time.- Was it?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Look here, who the hell are you?
0:10:10 > 0:10:16I'm Captain Winogrodzki, from the Polish Free Forces attached to GHQ.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Why didn't you say so in the first place?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22We're very sorry, Captain. It was an understandable mistake.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I would call it a stoopid mistake.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Now, as you know,
0:10:27 > 0:10:32many German airman from crashed planes are landing everywhere.
0:10:32 > 0:10:39However, the area commander is anxious in case any British pilots are shot by mistake.
0:10:39 > 0:10:44It has not happened so far, but a stitch in time saves, er...something.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- Nine.- Nein?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49A stitch in time saves... Oh, never mind.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51So they have issued an order
0:10:51 > 0:10:54that lone parachutists are not to be shot down
0:10:54 > 0:10:58before they have a chance to disclose themselves.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Furthermore, a bounty of £10
0:11:01 > 0:11:07will be paid for every Nazi airman captured alive and in good condition.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10That is all.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Good day to you...Captain.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19D'you hear that? Ten quid for every Nazi airman caught in good nick.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- Hey, Jonesy. Come here.- What?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- You and me are on patrol tonight. - That's right.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- You want to keep your eyes open. - Why?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Bring your reading glasses.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Here, watch it!
0:11:31 > 0:11:36# England, our island home
0:11:36 > 0:11:40# Land of the free... #
0:11:42 > 0:11:45'Ere, hang on a tick. My feet are killin' me.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- Put that light out! - What's the matter with you?!
0:11:51 > 0:11:53A sniper might see it.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56What are you talking about? Have you gone barmy?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58There's no snipers around here.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00We're not in the flippin' Sudan now.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Good job, too. You wouldn't last five minutes.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Listen, I could shoot fuzzy-wuzzies just the same as you.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Poor blighters, had only got spears.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12It wasn't just fuzzy-wuzzies. It was flies and desert sores
0:12:12 > 0:12:15and dysentery and malaria and gippy tummy.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17You should have packed it up.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22No. We were soldiers, with a field marshal's baton in every knapsack.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Sounds like you'd have been better off with a bedpan.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Halt!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Don't do that!
0:12:30 > 0:12:33You could have frightened the life out of him at his time of life.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37I wasn't me, it was you. You nearly jumped out of your trousers!
0:12:37 > 0:12:38I could have shot you!
0:12:38 > 0:12:43You're meant to keep a lookout like soldiers, not talk like old women.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47You will be reported for slacking. Your names?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- Jones, sir.- Pike, sir.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- And you?- Smith.- Walker. - Thanks very much(!)
0:12:55 > 0:12:58It is no use, you try and give me falsies.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I will remember you all.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06You are the baby, you are the old grandpa
0:13:06 > 0:13:10and you are the one that jumped out of his trousers.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Wake up your ideas!
0:13:14 > 0:13:19He's not supposed to talk to an NCO like that, in front of his men.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21It's against Queen's regs, that is.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24KING'S regs, you silly old muffin. What time do you make it?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Half past one.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Blimey, another hour and a half.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Let's pack it up. There won't be any German planes over tonight.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33AIR-RAID SIREN WAILS
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Why did you have to open your big mouth?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38PLANE DRONES OVERHEAD
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Mr Jones? Can you hear a plane coming?
0:13:42 > 0:13:47Yeah, and if it comes any lower, I'll give him one right in his seat.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Look out, he's coming this way.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52You cowardly bastards!
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- That's one of ours. - Oh, bravo, lads! Well done!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01BOOM!
0:14:01 > 0:14:06- THAT wasn't one of ours. - That dropped over in Adcock's Wood.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09The searchlights are after him. Bit late, mate!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11He could've killed my mate and me with that bomb!
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- RAPID FIRE - Machine-gunning us!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Machine-gunning innocent women and children!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19They don't care, you know.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21It's one of ours machine-gunning him.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Ah, well done, lad. Get a move on.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Yeah! Ha!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27He'll soon be at home now.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32They smell our fighters and they're off home. You cowardly Bosh!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- Hey, Mr Jones?- What?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37What's that white thing floating down?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Oh, my Gawd!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42- It's a parachute!- Shall I fire?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45No, remember what the Captain said.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47We've got to see if he exposes himself first.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Might be one of ours, see?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53SPLASH!
0:14:53 > 0:14:55He's landed in the water.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Halt!
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Surrender or we fire!
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Say if you're German! Say if you're British! If you are, say so!
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- Can you see anything? - No, I can't. It's too dark.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13- Can you see, lad? - Yeah, I can. It's coming towards us!
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- I think I ought to fire, Mr Jones. - Wait, wait, wait.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19I'll give you one more chance! Surrender or we fire!
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Go on, then. Go on, then. Squeeze.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27SPLASH
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Blimey! He's taken off again!
0:15:32 > 0:15:34That must be a secret weapon!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37No, it's his spirit rising up again!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40No! There's something white floating in the water.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I think I killed him, Mr Jones.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Oh, blimey, there goes our ten quid!
0:15:47 > 0:15:51- Go and fetch him.- Eh? - Fetch him, Private. Go on.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- That's nice, innit!- Go on!
0:15:56 > 0:15:59SPLOSHING
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Oh, blimey!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02What's up?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05You've shot a bleedin' swan!
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Blimey!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Killing swans is against the law, isn't it, Mr Jones?
0:16:12 > 0:16:16That's serious, that is. All swans belong to the King.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17What'll we do with it?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I know what I'm going to do - I'll taking him home.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I'll pluck it, dress it, hang it for a few days
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Then I'll have him with potatoes and Brussels. Tasty.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26What about the King?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28He's always eating it!
0:16:29 > 0:16:33- I think we should report it. - Do you want your share or not?
0:16:33 > 0:16:34- Course I do!- Shut up then.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38I'll tell you what we'll do - we'll hide it then pick it up later.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Come on, then. But I still think you ought to report it, Joe.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44"I still think you ought to report it, Joe." You miserable old goat.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- Was wird zukommen?- Weiss nicht.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- Willst du eine Zigarette haben? - Oh, ja, danke.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Bitte sehr.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Mensch! Guck mal die Zeit!
0:17:09 > 0:17:13TRANSLATION:
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Shh! Was ist das?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Mein Gott!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Who are you?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- Luftwaffe.- Looft woffy?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50You're Nazis, you are! Get back, get back!
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Joe! Joe! I've got a couple of Germans here.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- What's the matter? - I've caught some Jerries.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Blimey! 20 quid's worth!
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- What do you mean?- The bounty. Ten quid for every German.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- I forgot about that.- I hadn't. How'll we get them home?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Cut their trouser buttons off. - Good idea. Hang on to this.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Wait a minute.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14GERMANS YELL
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Be careful! They're not sure how far you're going!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I haven't made up my mind yet, have I?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- Hang about! Oi! Stick 'em up! - Ja.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- Ja.- Over your head! Hands up!
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Oh, ja.- Die Hander.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30March! March.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Come on. Keep them covered.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34- Why's it always me?- Go on.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Oi!
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- You go next.- Why?- I'll feel safer.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49KNOCK ON DOOR
0:18:51 > 0:18:52- Are you there, Wilson?- Yes!
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- I'm coming in.- Oh, good. Always glad to see you, sir.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- Well, put the light out! - Oh, sorry. Just a minute. Hang on.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04There we are, sir. You can come in now.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- The damn door's locked! - I'll unlock it for you.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- Blast!- What's the matter? - I can't find the key.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14Put the light on, find the key, put the light off and open the door.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16All right.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17What now?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19I can't find the light!
0:19:19 > 0:19:22This is ludicrous. Find the wireless.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Ah! Got it. Clever me. I can see the key quite clearly, sir.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Hang on, sir. I'll be with you in a moment.
0:19:30 > 0:19:35- Come in. Are you there, sir?- No, I'm here! Came round the other way.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Oh!
0:19:40 > 0:19:44- Put the light off!- Is it shut? - Yes, it's shut.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Must get some light traps. Some blankets or something.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Of course, sir. Is anything happening out there?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55The searchlights aren't finding anything.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59- Sir! Sir! Permission to speak, sir!- Yes?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01We captured two Jerry parachuters.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- You what?- Showed 'em the cold steel, they come quiet as mouses.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07They don't like it up 'em, you know.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- Heil Hitler!- None of that.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16THEY START TO SPEAK
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Keep them covered, Pike, Godfrey.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21I don't know what you're talking about but you're my prisoners.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Behave yourselves and you'll be all right.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Try any of your Nazi tricks, I won't answer for the consequences.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Get on to HQ, Wilson. Guard them well, Pike, Godfrey.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- Walker, Jones. Make a report. - Rather exciting, sir.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38A splendid evening's work. Well done, Jones and Walker.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42- Wait till GHQ hears about this! - Don't forget the £20!
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Hello, hello! Hello?
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- This thing's dead!- Yes, sir. They cut it off.- Cut it off?!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- Very good, sir!- Come on...
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I'll explain to him, sir.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59The bill wasn't paid, sir, so they cut it off.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Don't they know there's a war on?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03We're a military unit, this is an emergency!
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- It's the vicar's phone and he can't afford to pay.- Why?
0:21:07 > 0:21:11- Because of the invasion scare. He's had to stop his campanology.- What?
0:21:11 > 0:21:15- He can't ring his bells. - How does that affect the phone?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18He's paid to edit Ringading Monthly. They've stopped publication.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20There's a big drop in his income.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24I've got two valuable prisoners and my communications have been severed!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- Permission to speak, sir!- Yes.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29I've got a telephone in my shop. I can phone them up from there, sir.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Ah! Good man, Jones. Off you go!
0:21:32 > 0:21:36- Mind the light!- Turn the light off!
0:21:36 > 0:21:38It's too late now, Walker. Put it on again.
0:21:38 > 0:21:43- Lights!- Put the light off! - Permission to speak, sir!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45You've got permission, blast you!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47There's no need to talk to him like that, sir.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51It's all right, Walker. Captain Mainwaring meant no offence.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52What's the matter?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54I don't know the HQ's telephone number.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Why don't...?! No. Of course you don't.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Sorry, Jones. You've done well tonight. I'm very proud of you.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- Thank you, sir.- Britain need not fear for her future.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Thank you, sir. I'll bring you half a pound of liver later on.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Don't waste any more time.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- Lights!- Lights!
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- Lights!- Lights!
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- Who's in charge here? - You mind not pushing me about?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- This is Captain Mainwaring. - Oh, it's you.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Look. If I have any more trouble with this place,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I shall remove your bulb! Understand?
0:22:28 > 0:22:32You'd be exceeding your authority if you even touched it.
0:22:32 > 0:22:38Enemy aircraft are circling overhead. They've fired several haystacks.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41If I didn't know, I'd say you were signalling to them!
0:22:41 > 0:22:42I know you have your job to do,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45but aren't you going just a little bit too far?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I have two enemy airmen out there in the hall!
0:22:48 > 0:22:52I don't care if you've got Goering and Goebbels out there!
0:22:52 > 0:22:55If you don't put the light out, I shall extinguish it.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I'm in the middle of an emergency. Get off my premises.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I'm going, but I've warned you, and you.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Mind the light!
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Has anybody interrogated those two, in case there are any more of them?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- Not as far as I know.- Right.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Hey! Where are they?
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- They went outside with Mr Godfrey. - Went outside? What on earth for?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21They wanted a tinkle, sir.
0:23:23 > 0:23:29- That's what me mum calls it.- Yes. She means...- I know what she means!
0:23:29 > 0:23:35He took his rifle. They shouldn't be long. Mind you, they've been a while.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- I say...have they come back? - No, Mr Godfrey!
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Oh, the rotters!
0:23:41 > 0:23:45- Godfrey, come here! Get after them, Sergeant.- Very well, sir.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Come here, Godfrey. What happened?
0:23:49 > 0:23:53The foreign gentlemen wanted to wash their hands.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- Why didn't you say they couldn't? - We're not beasts, are we, sir?
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Go on.
0:23:58 > 0:24:03We went to the outside convenience. I shoved one down the spout.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- One of the Germans? - No, sir. A bullet.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10It was dark but I kept as close as I possibly could.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- In the circumstances. - You went in with them, of course.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15No, sir. They locked the door.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20- Didn't that seem suspicious? - No. I usually lock the door myself.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Go on.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28They seemed to be taking a long time so I coughed to give them a hint.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32You should have done a damn sight more than cough!
0:24:32 > 0:24:37I called out. They didn't answer. I went to the window at the back.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Which, of course, was open.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- No, it was closed and barred. - Well, how did they get out?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44While I was at the back,
0:24:44 > 0:24:48I can only surmise that they slipped out the front.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Holy suffering cats!
0:24:52 > 0:24:54- Any sign of them? - Well, actually, sir...
0:24:54 > 0:24:58I haven't look. I forgot my rifle. Awfully stupid of me...
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- Get after them! And you, Pike! - Yes, sir.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- The MPs are coming to collect them. I'll look a right fool!- Sorry...
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I can ring them up and say it was a practical joke.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10WE'RE the practical joke, Walker!
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Recht, links, recht, links, recht, links...
0:25:14 > 0:25:17- Halt!- They're back!
0:25:19 > 0:25:20I just recaptured these men
0:25:20 > 0:25:24who say they have escaped from your custody. Is that correct?
0:25:24 > 0:25:29- Yes, I'm afraid it is.- I don't know what sort of army you are in,
0:25:29 > 0:25:34Captain Main-waring, but I don't think it is the same as mine.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39I had no difficulty in surprising your patrols. You have no guard.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42I've complaints from the ARPs that you are signalling to the enemy
0:25:42 > 0:25:45and you allow prisoners to escape!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48These inefficiencies will be reported.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53- Furthermore, I shall claim the bounty for these men myself.- I see.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57I think your attitude is high-handed, to say the least.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00If you have any further comments, I'll be in my orderly room.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Good. That will leave me free to interrogate these men.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05See they're covered this time.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09HE SPEAKS GERMAN
0:26:09 > 0:26:14- Got some Jerry prisoners, mister? - That's right. There they are.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Blimey! Three! The note said two.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21- Must have a been a bad line. - No, well, you s...
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Yeah. Yeah, it must have been.
0:26:25 > 0:26:30All right, you lot. Outside in the van. Oi! Outside in the van!
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Hey, Bob! This one's dressed as a British officer!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I EM a Breeteesh officer, you fool!
0:26:37 > 0:26:41You don't sound it. Did he come with the others?
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Er...yes, as a matter of fact, he did.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Listen, I'm a British officer, attached to HQ Area Command...
0:26:48 > 0:26:52- He's got a gun! Bob, get it off him! - What are you doing?
0:26:52 > 0:26:56- You shouldn't have let him keep it. - Sorry, I'm new to this game.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Look, I'm a British officer. Here are my papers.
0:27:00 > 0:27:05Here is my identity card. Here is a railway warrant to London tomorrow.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Here is a letter from the lady I'm going to see in Golders Green.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- What do you think, Bob?- Sarge...
0:27:15 > 0:27:18You've got to hand it to these people, they're very thorough.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Yeah. You're darn right.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25- Outside in the van. - I protest! You are making a mistake!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Can I do you now, sir?
0:27:27 > 0:27:31Cambridge won the boat race in...
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- They don't know when they're beat! - No.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Just putting the Jerries in the van.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38There's your receipt.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Pop along to your brigade HQ and you'll get £30 bounty.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45- £30?- That's right, sir. Three prisoners, £30.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Good night, sir.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49THREE prisoners?
0:27:49 > 0:27:53Ah. We had a stroke of luck. Another one turned up.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57How did you persuade the captain to give his share up?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00He sort of persuaded himself.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01There you are.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05Your liver and a couple of kidneys to make up the weight.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07I'll round up a couple of black market chops,
0:28:07 > 0:28:09you can have a nice mixed grill.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11They've disappeared into thin air.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15I've dealt with it. They're on their way to HQ.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Plus another one that Walker managed to round up.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Don't tell me you're getting THEM on the black market an' all!
0:28:21 > 0:28:25ALL-CLEAR SOUNDS
0:28:25 > 0:28:27There they go.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32- Quite an eventful evening. - Very good, sir, yes.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36I say.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38As we got an extra £10,
0:28:38 > 0:28:41why don't we spend £5 on a celebration platoon dinner?
0:28:41 > 0:28:46- Would you like to order now? - What would you suggest?
0:28:46 > 0:28:51- For a fiver, you could have a medieval dinner.- What's that?
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Very rare luxury, sir. Roast swan.
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