0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:07 > 0:00:12# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:22 > 0:00:27# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So, who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:46 > 0:00:49# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:53 > 0:00:58'All over Britain, the civilian population is digging for victory.
0:00:58 > 0:01:05'Every square inch of space that can be used for growing food is under cultivation.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07'Nothing is too small.
0:01:07 > 0:01:12'Every ounce of food grown at home means home security.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21'Here are members of the Home Guard working on their allotment.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26'What's this? They've spotted a low-flying enemy plane.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31'A lucky escape for Jerry.
0:01:31 > 0:01:37'Pigeon pie for supper for the boys of the Home Guard.'
0:01:40 > 0:01:48'Here is the Reichssendung, Station Bremen and Station DXB on the 31-metre band.
0:01:48 > 0:01:53'You are about to hear our news in English.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55'The British Ministry of Disinformation...'
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Wilson!
0:01:57 > 0:02:04- SWITCHES RADIO OFF - It was tuned in like that. It's the vicar's.- Good heavens!
0:02:04 > 0:02:09- There must be some mistake.- And his last sermon was seditious.- Really?
0:02:09 > 0:02:15Hitler across the Channel and he picks The Parting Of The Waves as a subject!
0:02:15 > 0:02:21- We've a Major Regan from Area HQ visiting.- Yes, sir.- We're on coastal patrol tonight.- Yes.
0:02:21 > 0:02:28We're responsible for the area Stone's Amusement Arcade to the Jolly Roger Pier.
0:02:28 > 0:02:35- The pier's the weak spot. We ought to have our best man there. Who's on first?- Er... Frazer and Godfrey.
0:02:35 > 0:02:42- Ah... Who's the better of the two? - Normally Godfrey, but he's got this unfortunate bladder trouble.
0:02:42 > 0:02:49- Yes, that's rather risky. Jerry could invade while he had his back turned.- Quite.
0:02:49 > 0:02:55- Better put Frazer in.- Right, sir. - Sir, the uniform tops are here! - Good news, Wilson.- Yes.
0:02:55 > 0:03:00- Unpack them!- I have.- You shouldn't have! ..WE should have got the pick.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05- Permission to speak, sir? - Not just now. Fall the men in.
0:03:05 > 0:03:11- They couldn't have come at a better time.- We won't look like partisans.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Why have you fell in? I never told you to.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Fall in!
0:03:16 > 0:03:21- Damn!- What's the matter, sir?- I knew we should have got here first.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26- Why?- They've left me one without buttons.- Look. Mine are the same.
0:03:26 > 0:03:32- Platoon...- Permission to speak, sir. - Not just now, Corporal.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- Have none of the jackets buttons? - ALL: No, sir.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37That's why I wanted to speak.
0:03:37 > 0:03:45- They come separate with little ring things that hold them in.- This won't stop us. We've buttons at home.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49This should bring out the best in our womenfolk.
0:03:49 > 0:03:55I want you back in 45 minutes, by which time I expect to have things buttoned up.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Nice little joke, sir. Very good.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03# If ever a heart was in the right place... #
0:04:03 > 0:04:08- Platoon ready for inspection, sir. - Thank you, Corporal.- Squad, 'shun!
0:04:08 > 0:04:14- Wait a minute. I wasn't quite ready. - Stand at ease! Squad, 'shun!
0:04:17 > 0:04:21- I wasn't quite ready. - All right, all right.
0:04:21 > 0:04:26- Soldiers - that's what they look like.- That's right, sir.- Soldiers.
0:04:28 > 0:04:34- What's that cap badge, Walker?- 1/6d, sir.- What?- You want to kit out the whole mob, it'll cost 14 bob a dozen.
0:04:34 > 0:04:42- What regiment is it?!- Anything you like - Coldstream Guards, Grenadier Guards...- Don't you understand?
0:04:42 > 0:04:49- To wear a badge you're not entitled to is an offence.- No. Bit of a liberty, yeah.- Walker, take it off.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51It's off my old patrol coat, sir.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56I huvnae worn it since Jutland and the moths got at it.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Lucky you didn't get woodworm, too.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Those are rather flamboyant, aren't they, Godfrey?
0:05:03 > 0:05:08My dress studs, sir. All I could manage at the spur of the moment.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11I'm afraid the diamonds aren't real.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Platoon, stand at ease!
0:05:14 > 0:05:21Men, I'm sure you'll agree this is a great moment - a great step forward towards fighting efficiency.
0:05:21 > 0:05:26And it couldn't have come at a more appropriate time.
0:05:26 > 0:05:32Tonight, we are responsible for a very vulnerable stretch of our beloved land,
0:05:32 > 0:05:36from Stone's Amusement Arcade to the Jolly Roger Pier.
0:05:37 > 0:05:43There's 15 minutes before we move off to our guard post - the Novelty Rock Emporium.
0:05:43 > 0:05:50- The time can be spent in smartening up and checking our weapons. ..Corporal.- Sir.- Fall the men out.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- I think we'd better check our own equipment.- I quite agree.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59- Sir, I'll bring them bangers in in a minute.- Thank you.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03- What have we got here, sir? - Now, then...
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Knife...cosh...knuckle-duster...
0:06:07 > 0:06:09bicycle chain...
0:06:11 > 0:06:13..sandwiches...
0:06:13 > 0:06:20You keep them on, you hear?! Mum, it's a silly colour! Rubbish. Mr Mainwaring won't mind.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22He doesn't look silly, does he?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Well... Ahem...
0:06:26 > 0:06:28The colour IS a little startling.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33He must have something to keep him warm on coast watch.
0:06:33 > 0:06:39- I made them for the Bunny Babes dancing display. They make lovely Balaclava helmets.- Lovely.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44I AM glad you think so. I brought one for you.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48- It'll suit you.- Please! - And one for you.- What?
0:06:48 > 0:06:53No, it's very kind, Mrs Pike, but the ears won't go under my helmet.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58- Don't be silly. I'm going to cut the ears off. Try this on.- No, really!
0:06:58 > 0:07:03- Arthur, put your ears on! - Must I? It's rather embarrassing.
0:07:03 > 0:07:09- I don't want more of your chest trouble. Last time, you were awake all night coughing.- All right.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14I'll try it on. It's really appalling, all this.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16I'll just snip those ears off.
0:07:16 > 0:07:22I can't see what I'm doing up there. All get down a bit. ..That's better.
0:07:22 > 0:07:27- Major Regan, sir, from Area Headquarters...- Good eve...
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Good evening, sir. She was just about to cut our ears off.
0:07:33 > 0:07:39- Well, I really made them for the Bunny Babes.- She thought they'd make good Balaclava helmets.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- Pink? With ears on?! - I'll just run along.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48I'll away and get into my Winnie The Pooh outfit.
0:07:48 > 0:07:56I'm sure they're all very cosy, but pantomime clothes are not very good for discipline.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Nothing wrong with the discipline here, sir...
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Mr Mainwaring, sorry, I nearly forgot. ..There you go.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Half a dozen eggs, milk chocolate.
0:08:06 > 0:08:11Sergeant, there's your fags. I'll settle up later.
0:08:11 > 0:08:17- Haven't you forgotten something? - I'll take your order later.- Salute your commanding officer!- Sorry.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Sorry about that...
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Mainwaring, what's going on here?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Here we are - 6lb of best sausages.
0:08:29 > 0:08:36There's enough for the whole troop to have a nice fry-up at about two o'clock in the morning.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41- Rank, man!- I beg your pardon, they were fresh this morn...!
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Perhaps you can explain, Captain?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51We're going on coastal patrol.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56- You look as if you're going on a party.- These help keep up morale.
0:08:56 > 0:09:01The best way to keep up morale is with discipline and efficiency.
0:09:01 > 0:09:08I'm appointed to inspect training and battle drill in all units in this command, starting with you.
0:09:08 > 0:09:13- You're very welcome, sir. We're proud of our progress.- Indeed.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17- What sort of things do you want to see?- The lot -
0:09:17 > 0:09:22aiming and firing, crawling, map reading, first aid...
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Splendid. We're ready any time you like.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Now?
0:09:28 > 0:09:34Ah... That would be a bit awkward. We're about to go on coastal patrol.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- Tomorrow morning?- Wilson and I have to open the bank at 9.30.
0:09:38 > 0:09:44- What about the rest?- Jones, the butcher, sluices his slab at 8am.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Not that he's anything on it. Old habits die hard.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53- Frazer, Lock and Wiper, they've got shops, you see.- Godfrey's retired.
0:09:53 > 0:09:58- You could inspect Godfrey.- It's his pension morning.- The evening?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- Yes, why not?- At 1800 hours.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06- Mm?- Six o'clock, sir.- Oh, yes. Yes. Yes, look forward to that, sir.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09You might get quite a surprise.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12I very much doubt it.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16- I think we'll have to watch him, Wilson.- Yes.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19His eyes are too close together.
0:10:19 > 0:10:24# If you need a hand in any time Or place, it's yours... #
0:10:24 > 0:10:30- Everything ready? - As far as it can be.- I do hope they acquit themselves well.
0:10:30 > 0:10:38- There are gaps in their training. - While you were planning the grand strategy, I've been teaching them.
0:10:38 > 0:10:43- Major Regan, sir.- Good evening, sir. Everything's ready.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45No bazaar trading today?
0:10:45 > 0:10:52- Would you like to start the inspection?- Before they forget their party pieces?- ..Lead the way.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Squad! Squad, 'shun!
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- May we carry on training?- Please do.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Sergeant.
0:11:02 > 0:11:07What's this, current affairs? Stand up! Why aren't you in uniform?
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- I'm the caretaker.- Get out the way. This is an inspection.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15These men are studying aircraft recognition.
0:11:15 > 0:11:22- Try them out.- Do all the men learn it?- Definitely.- And there's no set piece? ..You, boy.- Pike.
0:11:22 > 0:11:27- What plane's that?- Heinkel 111, sir. - Next diagram.- That's the only one.
0:11:27 > 0:11:33- What's the good of only identifying a Heinkel 111? - Usually round here it IS a Heinkel.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38- We asked for more. Your people were unhelpful.- They're in short supply.
0:11:38 > 0:11:43- I'm not used to being spoken to like that.- Later...
0:11:43 > 0:11:50- If I tell the vicar, he'll turf you all out.- There IS a war on. - That cuts no ice.
0:11:50 > 0:11:55- He's unhappy about church premises used for warlike purposes.- Later.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00- There was no need to go on at me like that. Blimp!- Don't be cheeky.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05- Here we're learning map-reading. - What's this?
0:12:05 > 0:12:12- A church without a steeple.- Give the map reference.- 18...604...3. It'll be Methodist, I expect.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- What's that?- A railway cutting. - That?- Water mill.- And that?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19A wee speck 'o dirt.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- So it is. Not bad at all. ..You! - Yes, sir. >
0:12:23 > 0:12:26What's this?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31A map.
0:12:31 > 0:12:36Here, sir, we've got the first-aid section.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38How do you do?
0:12:38 > 0:12:43- How d'you arrest arterial bleeding? - Tourniquet at the pressure points -
0:12:43 > 0:12:45here, there and there.
0:12:45 > 0:12:50- What about a tourniquet round the throat?- It kills the patient.- Eh?
0:12:50 > 0:12:55Better to use the thumb and relieve the pressure every few minutes.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- Was that what sir had in mind?- Yes.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02These men are practising unarmed combat.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06He wouldn't come at you like that. Like that! ..Aaggh!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08CRASH
0:13:08 > 0:13:15- That was a liberty. You're lucky I didn't put the boot in. - Coming along nicely.
0:13:15 > 0:13:21- You didn't have to do that. - My men are keen. If you value your life, don't trifle with them.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26- Will I fall the men in for a more formal inspection?- Yes, please do.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Fall in, three ranks, quick as you can.
0:13:30 > 0:13:36- Bearing Jones in mind, go easy on the drill.- Right. ..At ease.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Squad, 'shun!
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Slope arms!
0:13:41 > 0:13:45ALL: One, two, three. One, two, three. One.
0:13:45 > 0:13:52- They were together. How did you manage that? - They're all taking Jones's time.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57I suppose you're wondering why I'm here.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02The Home Guard has got to be made into an efficient fighting unit.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06No room for mummy's darlings, slackers, spivs or elderly gents.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- How old are you?- 58... 59... 60.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12House!
0:14:12 > 0:14:18Sixty, eh? You've got a lot of medal ribbons. What are they? I don't recognise them.
0:14:18 > 0:14:25Bit before your time, I expect. I'll show you. Do you mind holding that, sir?
0:14:25 > 0:14:30There we are - one, two, three, four, five, six general service medals.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Seven - that's the Egyptian Campaign, 1884 to '85.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38And eight - that's the Cadif Star, sir.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- What's number nine for?- Trying to relieve General Gordon, sir.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47- You must have been very young. - Well, I didn't have my stripe.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- Hardly surprising. You'd be six.- Oh.
0:14:50 > 0:14:56I might have dropped a year or two, but I'm fit. I can still get the cold steel in there.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58See?
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Ha! ..Oh, ain't got it. Oh, you've got it, sir. ..Thank you.
0:15:02 > 0:15:08- I don't suppose you've fired it? - BANG! I have now, sir.
0:15:08 > 0:15:14Well, let's see some of this fighting spirit. Order arms!
0:15:14 > 0:15:17ALL: One, two, three. One, two, three. One.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Fix bayonets!
0:15:27 > 0:15:29I think they gave me the wrong one.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33- Mind where you point that!- Sorry.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- He's a shambles. - I think you're making him nervous.
0:15:37 > 0:15:44I don't like nervous soldiers. ..Right. Let's see how good you are at bayonet fighting.
0:15:44 > 0:15:51- Frazer, Walker, Pike, over here. - No, I want to see you two and you. - Yes, sir.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56- Do you see that target?- Yes. - CHARGE!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Oooh...
0:15:59 > 0:16:04- Not bad, Godfrey.- Fine when you're fighting bags of straw.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09But I want to see more GUTS. ..You, CHARGE!
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Ya-a-a-a-a agggghhhh ya-a-h-h-h, ya bastard Nazi!
0:16:15 > 0:16:21- I'm sorry, sir, I swore.- You thought you were doing that to a Nazi, eh?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Oh, no, sir. Just to somebody I don't like.
0:16:26 > 0:16:31- Corporal, that's a Nazi. See what you can do to him.- Yes, sir.
0:16:31 > 0:16:37You dirty heathen swine. You looters, rapers, ravishers, despoilers of womanhood.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- Wahh-h-h...- Charge.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Me glasses have got a bit steamed up, sir.
0:16:44 > 0:16:49- Care to see some grenade drill, sir?- No, thank you.
0:16:49 > 0:16:56- And the rules of aiming?- Tip of the blade of foresight in the centre of the rear sight, in line with target!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- Good!- Well done, Pike.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03- You, what are the rules of aiming? - He just told you, sir.- YOU tell me.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08Keep... K-Keep the foresight... i-in line with the...
0:17:08 > 0:17:12- No, that's not it. Keep the... - I've heard all I want to hear.
0:17:12 > 0:17:18- Mainwaring...- And keep the...- Carry on.- That's very rude! I was talking.
0:17:18 > 0:17:25- That man is making your platoon look ridiculous.- He's keen - a good example to the youngsters.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29He's a potential danger. He's not physically up to it.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34- Well, I should hate to lose him. - You may have to.
0:17:34 > 0:17:40- Isn't that up to us? - Not necessarily. I'll make my report to the Area Commander.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45You've got a long way to go, but you've done well. Congratulations.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- Good show.- Thank you very much, sir.
0:17:48 > 0:17:56# There'll always be an England While there's a country lane... #
0:17:56 > 0:18:00There's no doubt - we acquitted ourselves magnificently.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04I must say, I was really awfully pleased.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09No one man can take the credit, but it makes my hard work worthwhile.
0:18:09 > 0:18:17- I can't help wondering who was the most surprised, Major Regan or you. - Why do you always spoil everything?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19You can go.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Rotten bastard!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- I beg your pardon?- The swine!
0:18:24 > 0:18:29We've had our differences, but please don't use beastly language.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33- Listen to this.- What's that? - From GHQ.
0:18:33 > 0:18:38"In view of the fact Lance Corporal Jones' records show he is overage,
0:18:38 > 0:18:45- "we feel he should stand down." It's that Major Regan.- Yes.- He couldn't fault us for anything else.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Just a minute. There's more here.
0:18:48 > 0:18:55"However, in view of your strong personal views and Corporal Jones having such a distinguished record,
0:18:55 > 0:19:03"Major Regan has suggested that if Jones can complete the divisional assault course in 15 minutes,
0:19:03 > 0:19:10- "he should be allowed to remain with the platoon during the present period of emergency."- 15 minutes!
0:19:10 > 0:19:18- That's steep.- The infantry only have ten.- He'd never do it. Regan wants him to make a fool of himself.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23- Well, one of us is going to have to tell him.- Yes, sir.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Hello, gentlemen.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30I saw you come across, so I thought I'd pop over.
0:19:30 > 0:19:37- There - 1 lb of steak for you, Mr Mainwaring. ..And 1 lb for you. - Thank you.- Thank you, Jones.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40We showed him, didn't we?
0:19:40 > 0:19:44- Sit down, Jones.- Yes, sit down. - Thank you, sir.
0:19:44 > 0:19:51- I'll get it.- It's all right. - No, no. Make yourself comfortable. - Thanks very much.
0:19:51 > 0:19:57- I've got something to tell you. - I'm getting my second stripe? - Well, not exactly...
0:19:57 > 0:20:03I've had a letter from GHQ and they feel that...
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- Well, the fact is...- Yes, sir?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10They feel that you're overage.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Overage?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15I'm only 70!
0:20:15 > 0:20:20That's just the point. They feel that 70 IS overage.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25That's not fair. I can do anything the other blokes can do.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I bet it's that snooty major.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33I only wish I had him registered with me for meat.
0:20:33 > 0:20:40He'd get it, but I'd cut it off of gristle. I do that sometimes, you know, when I don't like 'em.
0:20:40 > 0:20:46I sit at me Sunday lunch thinking of them chewing the gristle.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50I'm sorry, Jones. They want you to stand down.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53..Stand down?
0:20:56 > 0:21:01- There must be something we can do. - What about the test?- I don't know.
0:21:01 > 0:21:09- What test is that?- To go over the assault course in 15 minutes. - Ah-ha! That'd be a bit of cake.
0:21:09 > 0:21:15- I really don't think you could manage it.- Of course I'll manage it. I'll show 'em!
0:21:15 > 0:21:22I tell you what, sir, after parade tonight, we'll go down the assault course.
0:21:22 > 0:21:28I'll go through that assault course just like a dose of... We'll show 'em, sir.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33They don't call me Up 'Em Jones for nothing.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38# Singing a song For the old folks... #
0:21:38 > 0:21:46- 15 minutes.- Stopwatch at the ready. - Do better with a grandfather clock. I heard that!
0:21:46 > 0:21:53- Sergeant Wilson and I'll accompany you round the course.- Sir.- But before you start, here's a message.
0:21:53 > 0:21:59- I can only give it to you once and you've to repeat it to us when you return.- Yes, sir.
0:21:59 > 0:22:05- The enemy's on the run. Send reinforcements. I am going to advance.- Advance.- Got it?- Yes, sir.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08All right. Stand by.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12- PEEP-PEEP - Off you go.- Ahhhh!
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Oh...
0:22:16 > 0:22:21- Come on - give him a hand. - Help him up.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Wait a minute. ..Hup!
0:22:23 > 0:22:30Up he goes. He CAN'T get up. He's stuck. He's got his boot in Walker's pocket.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34- Don't just stand there! - Go on. Get up there!
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Up you go. Well done.
0:22:37 > 0:22:44- Well done, Jones. Very good. - Oh, he's left his rifle.- Oh, Lord! - Jones, you left your rifle behind!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Do you hear me?! Jones! Jones!
0:22:47 > 0:22:52YOU LEFT YOUR...
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- rifle behind. - Sorry, sir.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56- Right, sir. ..Agghhh! - We'll take that as done.
0:22:56 > 0:23:02- Come on, quickly.- Round here. A lovely piece of tarpaulin here.
0:23:02 > 0:23:07- Quick as you can.- On you go, Jones. - Right, sir.- Underneath, quick!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- Get a move on.- Quick as you can.
0:23:09 > 0:23:14- Do you think he should do this, sir, at his time of life?- He's all right.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Keep going, Jones.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Keep it up, Jones.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23All right, Jones?
0:23:26 > 0:23:31Where is he? ..Just a minute. Lance Corporal Jones, are you there?
0:23:31 > 0:23:36- He's disappeared, sir. - He can't have disappeared!- He has.
0:23:36 > 0:23:43- Go in and find him.- Don't you think it would have more authority coming from you? ..Oh, Lord!
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Would you hold the tarpaulin up?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Jones! Jones, where are you?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Jones!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Are you all right?
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Jones! Jones, where are you?!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Jones! Are you all right, Jones?!
0:23:59 > 0:24:05- What on Earth's happening down there, Wilson? - I can't find him.- Jones!
0:24:05 > 0:24:10- Jones!- Jones! Answer me at once.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10What's he doin' down there?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12He's looking for Jones, of course...
0:24:12 > 0:24:17# Singing a song for the old folks... #
0:24:17 > 0:24:22Any sign? No. How long's he been gone?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Two hours and 15 minutes.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27If he can cut two hours off his time.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32I hope nothing's happened to him. Mr Mainwaring!
0:24:32 > 0:24:37We all know he doesn't stand an earthly chance in the test tomorrow.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41It's hopeless. It's a pity to lose him.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45What about it, Joe? What're you all looking at me for?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48We thought you might be able to help.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52I can nobble greyhounds, but that's a different caper.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57I can't make him run faster. I can't doctor his oats.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I...
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06# Wishing will make it all... #
0:25:06 > 0:25:11Sporting of you, Lance Corporal. Thank you, sir.
0:25:11 > 0:25:18- Once an old campaigner, always an old campaigner. ..Eh, Major?- He's OLD all right. Where's your helmet?
0:25:18 > 0:25:23- Nobody said nothing about a helmet. - Sergeant, give him yours.
0:25:23 > 0:25:30Often that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. ..Now we won't have trouble spotting you.
0:25:30 > 0:25:36- I'll give you the message, then off you go. You've 15 minutes.- Yes, sir.
0:25:36 > 0:25:42Send the following ammunition at once - 50,000 rounds of .303,
0:25:42 > 0:25:4533,000 of .300, 46 Mills grenades,
0:25:45 > 0:25:51200 3.7 shells and 275 pull-throughs.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53- Is that all, sir?- That's all.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- Right, sir.- Just a minute!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- Now, stand by.- Sir.- ..Go! - PEEP
0:25:59 > 0:26:04- Oh! Ah! - Oh, he's fainting!
0:26:13 > 0:26:18- Out of my way, you fools. I can't see.- Ay, ay. That was quick!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Yes, very quick...
0:26:21 > 0:26:26# Good morning, good morning We've danced the whole night through
0:26:26 > 0:26:29# Good morning, good morning to you
0:26:29 > 0:26:35# Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late
0:26:35 > 0:26:38# Good morning, good morning to you
0:26:38 > 0:26:43# When the band began to play The stars were shining bright
0:26:43 > 0:26:48# Now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say good night
0:26:48 > 0:26:53# So, good morning, good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through
0:26:53 > 0:26:55# Good morning, good morning to you
0:26:58 > 0:27:03# Here we are together A couple of stayer-uppers
0:27:03 > 0:27:06# Our day is done at breakfast... #
0:27:06 > 0:27:08By Jove, he's showed some spirit!
0:27:08 > 0:27:13# Here we are together but the best of friends must part
0:27:13 > 0:27:19# So let me sing this parting song from the bottom of my heart
0:27:19 > 0:27:22# Good morning, good morning
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# We've danced the whole night through
0:27:24 > 0:27:28# Good morning, good morning to you
0:27:28 > 0:27:33# Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late
0:27:33 > 0:27:36# Good morning, good morning to you
0:27:38 > 0:27:43# When the band began to play the stars were shining bright
0:27:43 > 0:27:48# Now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say good night
0:27:48 > 0:27:53# So, good morning, good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through
0:27:53 > 0:27:58# Good morning Good morning to you... #
0:27:58 > 0:28:03- Well done, Jones! - The message, man, the message!
0:28:03 > 0:28:11Send the following ammunition at once - 50,000 rounds of .303, comma, 33,000 rounds of .300,
0:28:11 > 0:28:1546 Mills grenades, 200 3.7 shells and 275 pull-throughs.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Amazing!
0:28:17 > 0:28:23If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I'd never have believed it. Neither would I.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27- What was his time, Major?- 13 minutes. - Fantastic!
0:28:27 > 0:28:32We don't need to worry any more about you, Jones. ..Carry on.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Well done, Jones. I'm very proud.
0:28:35 > 0:28:42Just a minute. There's something fishy going on here. I mean to get to the bottom of it.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48All right, sir?
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Oh!!
0:28:53 > 0:28:55He's gone, too.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59Well, you always said his eyes were too close together, sir.
0:29:45 > 0:29:49Subtitles by Carolyn Donaldson BBC Scotland 1998