0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:07 > 0:00:12# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:22 > 0:00:26# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:46 > 0:00:51# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:54 > 0:00:59Before dismissal, Captain Mainwaring asked me to bring your attention to an item in yesterday's paper
0:00:59 > 0:01:06about a member of the Home Guard in the Midlands was fined £5, for being drunk in charge of his rifle.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- Permission to speak?- Yes?
0:01:09 > 0:01:16I'm sure you do not believe that one of us would behave in a like manner. It's a slurge on our integrity.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21No offence was intended. I think the Captain just wanted it drawn
0:01:21 > 0:01:25to your attention, so that we might all benefit from the lesson.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- What lesson? - Don't take your gun to a party!
0:01:29 > 0:01:35If the captain wants to insult us he should do it to our faces.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41All right, I'm sure Captain Mainwaring didn't intend to offend any of you.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45- Where is he, then?- He's here. - Doing what - hiding?
0:01:45 > 0:01:49- Yes, I suppose he is!- It's not surprising! Calling us drunks!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52My mum won't allow me to drink.
0:01:52 > 0:02:00I take an occasional drink, but calling us drunks is a bit of a liberty.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04All right, all right. Captain Mainwaring is going to give us a surprise lecture.
0:02:04 > 0:02:10So when you fall out, I want you to all gather round in a little semicircle.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Is that quite clear?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Well, do that, then, will you? Fall out.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Fall out... Captain Mainwaring?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21The men are ready, sir.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- You can announce me now.- All right.
0:02:23 > 0:02:29Captain Mainwaring is going to show you something...unusual.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34- Is he going to do a comic turn? - What's unusual about that(?)
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Evening, men.
0:02:37 > 0:02:43- You're wondering why I'm dressed like this?- Aye!- No(!)
0:02:43 > 0:02:49As you see me like this, can you guess what my lecture is about?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Pruning fruit trees, sir?
0:02:53 > 0:02:54No, Godfrey.
0:02:54 > 0:02:59It's camouflage. Now I want a volunteer to drop in the scenery.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03I would like to volunteer to drop in the scenery.
0:03:03 > 0:03:08- It's a bit heavy.- It's all right. I'm used to this type of work, sir.
0:03:08 > 0:03:13I helped with the vicarage pantomime last year, sir.
0:03:13 > 0:03:18- I done the beanstalk...- All right. Stand over on the side there.
0:03:18 > 0:03:24- We don't call it the side. It's the wings.- Right, stand in the wings.- Thank you, sir.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- Stand by the curtain.- Yes, sir.
0:03:27 > 0:03:35- The object of camouflage is to merge into one's background. Draw the curtain.- Right, sir.
0:03:38 > 0:03:45Now you will observe how I stand out clearly against a plain background. Corporal?
0:03:45 > 0:03:52- Yes, sir?- Drop in the scene with the woodland.- Coming down, sir. Woodland scene, sir. Right, sir.
0:03:56 > 0:04:01Now you will observe how well I merge with my background.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04How could I improve the camouflage?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Disguise yourself as a coal scuttle.
0:04:06 > 0:04:11- Coal scuttle?- You'll burn your bum if you stand there!
0:04:13 > 0:04:18Corporal! You put the wrong scene in! I want the woodland scene.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22- Sorry. That's the baron's kitchen. - Yes, I know what it is.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26We had a lot of fun with that, didn't we, Joe?
0:04:26 > 0:04:32- The horse brought the pumpkin... - Yes, yes! Put the woodland scene in.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- Now, as I was saying... - Excuse me, sir...
0:04:36 > 0:04:44- We had a lot of trouble with the pony - just where you're standing. - Corporal! Get the woodland scene.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Woodland scene coming in now.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Ow! It's on my foot! - Sorry, sir! Sorry, sir.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Jones, where are you?
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Jones?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Mr Mainwaring?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Where's Mr Mainwaring?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09He went round the back, I think.
0:05:09 > 0:05:14- Are you there, sir?- Of course! Open this door!- It's stuck.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Could you go round and help Captain Mainwaring?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- There you are! - Get the woodland scene!- Right.
0:05:21 > 0:05:26I'll just be a minute, sir. BANGING
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- I can't get through, sir! - Well, hang on where you are!
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Right-oh, sir.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Where are you?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Get it down, Sergeant. You're no better than he is!
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Sorry. I've never done a beanstalk.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- Take it up. Are you all right? - Fit as a flea, sir!
0:05:53 > 0:05:58- That was fun, wasn't it? - You better go and sit down.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03- Right. Can you manage all right, sir?- Just about(!)
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Now, what do you think of that?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09That's the best turn I've seen in years, sir!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13All right, everybody!
0:06:13 > 0:06:18Now, the points I want you to notice are... The face...
0:06:18 > 0:06:25For this, we need corks. Champagne corks are best. Cook them right through under the grill, then...
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Serve them on toast. Very tasty!
0:06:28 > 0:06:33Walker, your very life may depend on this one day!
0:06:33 > 0:06:38Grind them up, mix them with grease and apply them. Any questions?
0:06:38 > 0:06:43Yes! Where do we get champagne corks? Remember, there's a war on!
0:06:43 > 0:06:47I know! As usual, we'll improvise.
0:06:47 > 0:06:52- Permission to speak?- Yes?- Get an old cork bath mat and chop it up.
0:06:52 > 0:06:58- Good idea. Make a note of that. - You'd have a job getting one of them - very scarce.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02- Why?- There's a war on. I do just happen to have one...
0:07:02 > 0:07:05As it's for the platoon, 30 bob.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Thank you(!) We'll find another source.
0:07:08 > 0:07:14- What about medicine bottle corks? I'll ask at the clinic.- Good idea.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Blackleg!
0:07:17 > 0:07:21You'll also notice that I'm covered from head to foot in foliage.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- JONES: Good job there's no squirrels about!- Who said that?
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Any further questions?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Yes! What do you do in winter, when there's no foliage?
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Yes, good question. Anybody got any thoughts on that?
0:07:36 > 0:07:41What about holly, sir? There's an abundance of holly in winter.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45- Cover ourselves in holly? - Or mistletoe.
0:07:49 > 0:07:55Well, our main task, men, is to blur the outline, break up the outline.
0:07:55 > 0:08:01I'm going to dismiss you and I want you back here in an hour, fully camouflaged.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Understood? Right, off you go.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08# Thumbs up and say it's tickety-boo
0:08:08 > 0:08:10# Cos tickety-boo means everything will be fine... #
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Left, left, left, right, left.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Turn... Halt!
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Good.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Left turn!
0:08:27 > 0:08:31- Excellent turnout, men! Isn't it, Wilson?- Absolutely first-class, sir.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Who's this?
0:08:33 > 0:08:40- No idea, sir.- It's me, sir. I'm disguised as a small haystack. - Ah, Walker! Very good indeed.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43A-choo!
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- What's wrong with you, Pike? - Sorry, sir, it's my hay fever.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51- Well, go to the end of the line. - Thank you, sir.- What's this?
0:08:51 > 0:08:55I tried several things on, but nothing seemed to suit me.
0:08:58 > 0:09:04- You're supposed to break up the outline.- I thought I was sufficiently broken up as it is.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- What's this?- My apiaristic mask. - Your what?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- Beekeeping, sir.- It's full of holes.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15I know. I should mend them, but my bees are quite friendly.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Why this? You look as if you're on a cruise to the South Seas!
0:09:20 > 0:09:28I had the idea from a picture I saw with my sisters. South Of Pago Pago. Dorothy Lamour and Victor Mature.
0:09:28 > 0:09:34Was it good? I liked it, but my sisters thought Miss Lamour was a bit fast.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Ah.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- What's this got to do with camouflage?- I don't know,
0:09:39 > 0:09:44- but I thought it looked open-air. - I see.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I rather agree, sir. It does look rather open-air.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50What have you been to see? Phantom Of The Opera?
0:09:53 > 0:09:58No. This is winter camouflage. You wear it in the snow.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Well done, Frazer(!)
0:10:10 > 0:10:14- Why aren't you in camouflage? - I am, sir. As a butcher.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18- You are a butcher! - I know I am, sir, and you know I am,
0:10:18 > 0:10:24- but that don't mean the Germans know.- I don't quite follow this.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Well, I'll be standing outside my shop a bit nonchalant,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31and along will come a German soldier
0:10:31 > 0:10:33and he'll see me in this apparel.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38Just as he's beginning to treat me with ignore, I go whup with the old cold steel.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43They cannot brook that sort of thing, they will not brook it.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I'm aware of that, Corporal.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50- What's the meaning of this? - I've got a note for you from my mum.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59"I'm not having our Frank covered in a lot of damp leaves.
0:10:59 > 0:11:05"It will only set off his chest again." Right! That finishes it!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- I'd like a word with you!- Right.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11I've never heard anything like this in my life!
0:11:11 > 0:11:18- The way she mollycoddles her son is absurd!- Yes, sir.- She's always interfering in the platoon.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- Yes, sir.- What if all our men came with notes from their mothers?
0:11:22 > 0:11:27- It would look a bit odd! - It would - at their ages, yes!
0:11:27 > 0:11:32- Someone's got to talk with her.- Yes. - You're friendly with her?- Yes.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Yes, I am sir. We go to the cinema every now and then.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Sometimes she asks me back for a meal, that sort of thing.
0:11:40 > 0:11:45- What sort of thing?- Whatever she happens to be cooking at the time.
0:11:45 > 0:11:51- I see.- She's got my ration book. It makes it easier.- I'm sure it does.
0:11:51 > 0:11:57- You've got to speak to her.- Yes, sir.- I wouldn't let my own wife tell me how to run the platoon.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02- A woman's place is at home.- Yes.- I wouldn't let her tell me what to do.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06PHONE RINGS Hello? Mrs Mainwaring. Yes.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10Just a moment. Your wife, sir. On the phone.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Really?- Yes.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Hello?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Elizabeth?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Well, I'm very busy. I can't get home for at least half an hour.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28I see.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Well, I'll leave you to lock up, Wilson.
0:12:33 > 0:12:40- Speak to Mrs Pike.- Yes, sir. - There's only one way to deal with women.- Yes?- Be firm.- I'll be firm.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45# I got no strings to hold me down To make me fret or make me frown
0:12:45 > 0:12:48# I had strings but now I'm free... #
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Frank! That's a week's butter!
0:12:56 > 0:13:00- Oh, dear!- What's the matter? - It's from the WVS.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03They want us to take in a evacuee.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06We ought to do all we can to help.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09We could manage one all right.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13He can have the room at the back. I'll let them know tonight.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19- Isn't Uncle Arthur meant to be here? - He should be here in a minute.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24- You don't mind, do you? - No. I quite like him.
0:13:24 > 0:13:29- No, I mean about having a little evacuee to stay?- Oh, no, no.
0:13:35 > 0:13:42The trouble is children grow up so quickly these days. It'd be nice to have a child about the house again.
0:13:42 > 0:13:49- I wonder if it's a boy or a girl. - We'll just have to wait and see, won't we?
0:13:54 > 0:14:00You know, Frank, it'll be funny being a mother again after all these years.
0:14:00 > 0:14:05Don't say anything to Uncle Arthur about this just at the moment.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09- I'll tell him in my own time. - All right, Mum.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17- There you are! You're late! - Yes. L-Late.
0:14:17 > 0:14:23- Hurry up or your tea'll get cold. - Thank you. Thank you.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- Frank.- Uncle Arthur.
0:14:26 > 0:14:33- You're ever so pale. Are you all right?- Yes, no, yes... I'm all right.- Doesn't he look pale?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36You know what they say - pale and passionate!
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Enough of that! Finish your tea!
0:14:42 > 0:14:46- Something to eat, Arthur? - No, thanks, I'm quite all right.
0:14:46 > 0:14:52- I'm not really hungry. - You must eat something. I know, I got some nursery biscuits today.
0:14:52 > 0:14:58Please don't bother. It's very kind. I'm just...I'm just not hungry.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03You like nursery biscuits. They've got little icing children on them!
0:15:06 > 0:15:09I know what they look like, but I don't want one at the moment.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13- No need to snap!- I'm not. - I used all me points to get them!
0:15:13 > 0:15:20I'm sorry. I just seem... I just seem to have somehow lost my appetite.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25I have to be very careful with everything on points.
0:15:25 > 0:15:31- The only thing that isn't on points is a baby!- Frank!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Don't be so coarse!
0:15:33 > 0:15:38Do you get this from some of those rough men in the Home Guard?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- I'll talk to Mr Mainwaring.- No!- No!
0:15:41 > 0:15:46- Don't do that! - I'll go and put my uniform on.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54What's wrong? It's not like you to look so miserable all the time.
0:15:54 > 0:15:59Mavis, I couldn't help overhearing what you said to Frank just now.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03- Oh, you mean about the addition to the family?- Yes.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08- Why should you be worried? - But I do worry.
0:16:08 > 0:16:13- How can you take it all so calmly? - Well, what do you expect me to do?
0:16:13 > 0:16:17- What?- Well, I'm not the only woman in this situation.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Couldn't you keep still just for a moment?
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- I feel a bit responsible for this. - I don't see why you should.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- I'm the one who decided to have the child.- Why?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Why? Because there's a war on!
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- We must all do our bit! - What's the war got to do with it?
0:16:37 > 0:16:41- I wouldn't be having the child if there wasn't a war on!- Well...
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Stop trailing about after me! I'm trying to get on!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Hurry up, or you'll be late for your parade.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55- Could I speak to you? Oh, that boy! - Ready, Uncle Arthur!
0:16:55 > 0:16:59I'll join you shortly. Tell them I'm coming.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03It is a little bit worrying, don't you think?
0:17:05 > 0:17:09# Whose baby are you, dear?.. #
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Now, men, as you will all have read on the noticeboard,
0:17:16 > 0:17:22we're having a monthly competition for the best improvised weapon or method of defence.
0:17:22 > 0:17:27A prize will come out of platoon funds. What is it, Corporal?
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Two lamb chops and a quarter-pound of chitlings.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Hear that? Two lamb chops and chitlings. What are chitlings?
0:17:35 > 0:17:41- The secret part of a pig, sir. - Really. A worthy prize, indeed.
0:17:41 > 0:17:47- We have three entrants. Wilson, Frazer and Walker. - Jonesy, give me a hand.
0:17:47 > 0:17:52We'll ask Sgt Wilson to demonstrate his. Carry on, Sergeant.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- Sergeant!- Sorry.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01We're waiting for you to show us your grenade-firing crossbow.
0:18:01 > 0:18:06- My what?- Your crossbow.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I really am terribly sorry, sir.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- I left it at home.- You left it?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- What's the matter with you? - What?- You're in a dream.
0:18:16 > 0:18:22- Are you ill?- I'm quite all right. - Pull yourself together. I'll talk to you later.- Yes.
0:18:22 > 0:18:28In the absence of the crossbow, let's see Frazer's anti-tank device.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Aye!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Well, sir, this is the road.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39I place a row of plates, upside down, in a line,
0:18:39 > 0:18:43right along it, so.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47- It's an anti-tank device?- Aye. - Dinner plates?- Dinner plates.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Please continue.
0:18:51 > 0:18:56The enemy tank comes along. He sees the line of plates in his path.
0:18:56 > 0:19:02He disnae know what they are. He stops and gets out to have a look.
0:19:02 > 0:19:08Meantime, we are hiding behind cover. As soon as he gets out his tank, we let him have it - bam!
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- What do you think?- Not bad at all.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Right, we better call on Private...
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Oh... Private Walker!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Right, the greatest invention since the Spitfire!
0:19:26 > 0:19:32- The most remarkable piece of personal protection.- You're not in the marketplace. Get on.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Oh, well, yeah. Well, it's a sort of shoulder protector.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43From ack-ack, you know, flack and shrapnel.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48It'll protect you from that and any blow from a weapon. You all right?
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Here you go.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- How's that?- Never felt a thing.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57It's a good idea. Very good, indeed, Walker.
0:19:57 > 0:20:03Well, two excellent ideas from Frazer and Walker.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06We'll decide the winner by the usual show of hands.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11Hands up those who liked Frazer's device. One, two, three, four...
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Now Walker's. One, two...
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- Walker's the clear winner.- Pah!
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Don't take it to heart. I'll give you some of me chitlings!
0:20:25 > 0:20:30We shall equip the entire platoon. There are 17 of us, so we shall need nine old tyres.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Slight snag. Tyres are like gold dust now. Can't get them anywhere.
0:20:34 > 0:20:41- So why suggest it? Give Frazer the prize.- Hang on, hang on!
0:20:41 > 0:20:44I do happen to have a few tyres in the yard!
0:20:44 > 0:20:45- Ten bob apiece. How's that? - It's outrageous.
0:20:45 > 0:20:51- My friend had got some old tyres. - He bleeding would have!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56I'm sure he would let you have them for nothing.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- That's better. I'll cut them up for you!- Be quiet! Sit down!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Sergeant, dismiss the parade.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Sergeant.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- I'll see you in my office now.- All right.- Dismiss the parade, Jones.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Attention!
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Dismissed!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- Come in, Wilson.- Right, sir.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- Shut the door.- Sorry.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- What's the matter?- The matter, sir?
0:21:32 > 0:21:40You've been daydreaming, you haven't been listening when I spoke and you left your crossbow at home.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43It's all rather difficult, sir.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- You better sit down.- Thank you.
0:21:48 > 0:21:53- Are you in some sort of trouble? - It's not me, sir, it's not me.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59- It's Mrs Pike.- How do you mean? - What...? Well, she's...er...
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Now, look, Wilson.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06I'm not only your commanding officer. I'm also your friend.
0:22:06 > 0:22:12- Thank you.- I don't want you to feel any hesitation in confiding in me.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14What's all this about Mrs Pike?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Well, er...you see, sir, she's...
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- ..going to have a baby.- Really?
0:22:23 > 0:22:28That is good news. Her husband will be delighted.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Wait a minute! She's a widow!
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- That's right.- How on Earth can she be having a baby?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I thought you only went round for meals.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52I did tell you, sir, that she's got my ration book.
0:22:52 > 0:22:57Yes. She's got something else now, hasn't she?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01I can hardly believe my ears!
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I've come to the conclusion I don't know you, Wilson.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11You're a cad, that's what you are.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15- How long have you known her? - Quite a few years now, sir.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- Why didn't you ask her to marry you?- I never got round to it.
0:23:19 > 0:23:24You better get round to it! You can't behave like Errol Flynn!
0:23:26 > 0:23:28What do you think the bank directors would say?
0:23:28 > 0:23:33- I've no idea, sir.- I have! You must do the only honourable thing.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- Ask her to marry you. - Yes, quite, quite.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40- I'll speak to her in the next few days.- No, tonight!
0:23:41 > 0:23:46- No time to lose.- It's Tuesday.- So? - She goes to bed early on a Tuesday.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48- Why?- She always gets terribly tired on Mondays.
0:23:51 > 0:23:57- You'll just have to wake her.- Yes. - I want the whole thing settled by the morning.- Right.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01- That's all. - Can I leave the room now?- Go.
0:24:01 > 0:24:08# If I should fall in love again
0:24:08 > 0:24:10# I'd fall in love... #
0:24:20 > 0:24:23DOORBELL RINGS
0:24:25 > 0:24:27- WINDOW OPENS - Who's that?
0:24:27 > 0:24:32It's me, Mavis. I want to talk to you.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37- What do you want at this time? - It's only ten. I must talk to you.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- What will the neighbours think? - I can't help that!- All right.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43- OK. I'll come down.- Do hurry up.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50What's going on here?
0:24:50 > 0:24:56Sorry. I saw a shadowy figure and thought something fishy was going on.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Everything's quite all right.
0:24:58 > 0:25:03- She locked you out, has she?- No, she hasn't. It's quite all right.
0:25:03 > 0:25:08- Lost your key?- I don't have a key. - I've got a bunch. Three bob.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14I came here to remind young Pike about the parade tomorrow night.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18- You'll see him in the bank tomorrow. - And to remind him about that.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Are you still there?
0:25:20 > 0:25:24- Of course. - I'd only just got undressed.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- Another minute and I'd have been asleep.- Mavis, please!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37I'm a man of discretion. We all have our private lives to lead.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41- Mum's the word.- Just go away!
0:25:42 > 0:25:46- Please, open the door. - I can't. I've locked up.
0:25:46 > 0:25:53- Besides my mother's here. What would she think?- I can't help that. Mavis, I must talk to you.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58- Talk through the letterbox.- This is embarrassing.- What is it you want?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Mavis, look... I...
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Will you marry me?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Arthur, darling!
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Put that light out! >
0:26:20 > 0:26:24I'm going to dismiss you a little earlier tonight.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28On Saturday, Sgt Wilson and Mrs Pike are getting married.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30We're to be the guard of honour.
0:26:30 > 0:26:37I want a little rehearsal. Assume that the door to the hall there represents the church entrance.
0:26:37 > 0:26:42On fall out, form two ranks on either side of the church porch.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- Understand?- Yes.- Attention!
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Platoon, fall out!
0:26:49 > 0:26:54Quickly as you can. Two ranks down the side of the church.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58On the appearance of the happy pair...
0:27:00 > 0:27:07..I want you to draw bayonets and form an arch over them. You've seen the sort of thing in the papers.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11- Sergeant, take your place. - Is this absolutely necessary?
0:27:11 > 0:27:16- Yes! We want to do it properly. - It's a bit embarrassing.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19We want someone to take Mrs Pike's place.
0:27:19 > 0:27:24- Permission to speak!- Yes? - I'll take Mrs Pike's place.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26I thought you might. Go on.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Right...
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Present bayonets!
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Not you, Corporal! Corporal, not you!
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Put your arm through Sgt Wilson's. Right, down you come.
0:27:44 > 0:27:50THEY SING "The Wedding March"
0:27:56 > 0:28:01- Smile! It's your wedding day! - Don't be nervous, Sergeant.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05- Our little newcomer's arrived. - Oh, good heavens!
0:28:05 > 0:28:08- It's a dear little boy.- Little boy?
0:28:08 > 0:28:12- W-When?- Half an hour ago. - Half an hour?
0:28:12 > 0:28:16You'll never guess - his name's Arthur, too!
0:28:16 > 0:28:20This is the addition to the family. Our little evacuee.
0:28:20 > 0:28:26- Are you my Uncle Arthur? - No, this is your Uncle Arthur. He'll be pleased to see you!
0:28:26 > 0:28:32Absolutely delighted and somewhat relieved, curiously enough.
0:29:06 > 0:29:12Subtitles by Martin Maguire BBC 1998