0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:12 > 0:00:16# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:16 > 0:00:21# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening, and he's ready with his gun
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:53 > 0:00:57- MUFFLED:- The gases you will have to contend with
0:00:57 > 0:01:00are chlorine and phosgene.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06That concludes my lecture on the various gases...
0:01:08 > 0:01:12..the enemy is liable to use. Anything worrying anybody?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Permission to speak, sir.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17What does he say, Sergeant?
0:01:17 > 0:01:21- I couldn't catch it. - What?- I said I couldn't catch it.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25I want to know what HE said. Ask him.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28The captain would like to know what you said.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30What's that?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33The captain wants to know what you said.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36I said, "Permission to speak, sir."
0:01:36 > 0:01:42- He wants permission to speak, sir. - Ask him what he wants to say!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44What do you want to say?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- Eh?- What do you want to say?
0:01:47 > 0:01:51- I never 'eard a word he said!- I see.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Apparently, sir, he never heard a word you said.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59I can't hear a word, Wilson. Take that off.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03He couldn't hear a word you said, sir.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08- He never heard my lecture?- No, sir. - Did none of you hear?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Can you hear me now?
0:02:12 > 0:02:17Take those respirators off. We'll continue this lecture tomorrow.
0:02:17 > 0:02:23I want to introduce you to a new weapon. Anyone know what this is?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Yes, sir. That's a grocer's cheese cutter.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Correct. A harmless cheese cutter.
0:02:29 > 0:02:36But it can become a deadly weapon. I'll tell you how I first got the idea.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- Just stand easy, everybody. - What? Oh.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44It's improvisation at its very best.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49I went to the grocer's to get the rations for my wife and myself.
0:02:49 > 0:02:54And while the grocer was cutting our meagre ration of cheese,
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I wondered why we got so little.
0:02:57 > 0:03:04And as the wire went through the cheese, and the cheese rolled off the cutting board,
0:03:04 > 0:03:09suddenly, in my mind's eye, it became the head of a stormtrooper.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10I thought, that's it.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Just the weapon for enemy sentries.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Creep up behind him, lob it over his head,
0:03:16 > 0:03:22- knee in the small of the back, and pull!- Are you all right, sir?
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Of course!
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Instant decapitation. Doesn't know what's happened.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Not till he nods his head!
0:03:30 > 0:03:35- What did you say, Walker?- I...I said he'd be better off in bed, sir.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38He would indeed.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40You see? Round the neck,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42instant decap...
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Yes, Pike?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Permission to be sick, sir.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Permission granted.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- Frank...- Sergeant! Where are you going?
0:03:53 > 0:03:58He must toughen up. Just because I mentioned decapitation!
0:03:58 > 0:04:01It's not that, sir. He doesn't like cheese.
0:04:03 > 0:04:10I've had a memo from GHQ to say there is not enough co-operation between the ARP and the Home Guard.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13We must all work for the common cause.
0:04:13 > 0:04:19And a new chief warden is coming to discuss methods of co-operation.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Who is the new chief warden?
0:04:21 > 0:04:25It's that rather common fellow, sir. Mr Hodges.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- He's chief warden?!- Yes. - He's a greengrocer!
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Yes, I know, sir. I know because of his dirty fingernails.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38- How do you know?- I see them when he puts his takings through the grille.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43Ever since he's been made chief warden there's been no holding him.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46He's been corrupted with power, sir.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48He's a nasty bit of work, sir.
0:04:48 > 0:04:54Put your foot firmly down on him or he'll take over from you completely.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Thank you, Corporal!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Huh! I'd like to see him try, eh?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Indeed, sir.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05- Who's in charge?!- You know quite well. Can't you read my insignia?
0:05:05 > 0:05:09- Mr Mainwaring, the bank manager. - CAPTAIN Mainwaring!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- This is Sergeant Wilson. - How do you do?
0:05:12 > 0:05:18As far as I'm concerned, you are the bank manager and he's chief clerk.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Every time I go in he gives me a dirty look.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- - Matches your nails! - What did he say? - Never mind.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29We are supposed to co-operate.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33I want that hall every Wednesday for an ARP meeting.
0:05:33 > 0:05:40- Out of the question.- What?- We parade there every Wednesday.- Bad luck!- I have an arrangement with the vicar.
0:05:40 > 0:05:46What goes on between you and the vicar is entirely your affair.
0:05:46 > 0:05:52All I know is, I want that hall every Wednesday evening. Got it?
0:05:52 > 0:05:56You're absolutely right. His fingernails are filthy.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04He does it beautifully, doesn't he?
0:06:04 > 0:06:08There's no doubt about it, he's an artist.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12How can he make a little look so much?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15He's a wonderful man, for his age.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Here we are, ladies. Now, then,
0:06:17 > 0:06:21who's first? Good morning, Mrs Peters.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Good morning, Mr Jones. What can I have?
0:06:24 > 0:06:28You hain't got much in these, have you?
0:06:28 > 0:06:35- Are you looking properly? - I can see you've only got a shilling's-worth on each.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39- Is that all I've got? - You shouldn't have had that joint.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44It's not my fault. My 'usband will insist on 'is bit of brisket.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Yes!
0:06:45 > 0:06:50I can let you have three little lamb chops.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52There you are.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56That's 1/8d. You can have the rest in corned beef.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01That comes to two bob exactly. There you are. How's that?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- (Got any sausages?)- Hold on.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08There you are.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13He's got some sausages! He's got sausages! Sausages!
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Yes, all right, ladies. All right.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Only one sausage with each book.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Take 2/4, please, Miss Mortimer. Good morning, Mrs Fox.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26'Ello, Mr Jones.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I've got everything today.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Yes, you have, haven't you?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35- You didn't have any meat over the weekend!- No.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38You see, my hubby and I went away.
0:07:38 > 0:07:43You've got your full ration. 2/2d on each book. Now, what will it be?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Well, I would like a bit of steak.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Oh, ho ho! A bit of steak, eh?
0:07:48 > 0:07:53A nice bit of Veronica Lake. There we are.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57HE HUMS
0:07:57 > 0:08:01That's 3/4d. You can have the rest in corned beef.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- Oh!- There you are. That's 4/4d.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- Do you want sausages? - Both of them, please!- Right.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- There we are. - Um... Mr Jones?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Have you got any kidney?
0:08:12 > 0:08:17- No, I'm afraid not, Mrs Fox.- You must have a little bit tucked away.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- No, not a bit, Mrs Fox. No. - Oh, well.
0:08:21 > 0:08:27- I'll have to make do with what I've got.- You will.- Bye-bye.- Bye-bye.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Oh, by the way...
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- I bought that for you.- What's this?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- (Your favourite tobacco.) - Thank you, madam.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39And I'll be in later in the week.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Yes, um...
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Raymond, hurry up with the brawn, will you, please?
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Ah, hello. Take 2/4d, please.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Take 4/8d. There's more. That's right. Take 4/8d.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Morning, Miss Meadows.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Good morning, Mr Jones.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- What's this? - Just a cake I made for you.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Naughty! You're using up all your points.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09You can have any points you want from me.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Eh?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I mean, you deserve looking after.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19You do your bit. You take care of us.
0:09:19 > 0:09:25You care for our insides as a butcher, and our outsides as a Home Guard.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Yes, quite.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Hurry up with the brawn, Raymond!
0:09:29 > 0:09:35- What is it to be?- I'll take it all in corned beef.- All in corned beef.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38HE HUMS
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- Like a sausage? - Oh, yes, I'll have my sausage.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47I wish all my ladies were as easy as you.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Well, I do try to please, Mr Jones. Thank you.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- Take 2/4d, Miss Mortimer. - Now...
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Here's your brawn, Mr Jones. Hang on.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00LOUD CLAMOUR
0:10:00 > 0:10:04Oooh, look at that! I'll have a bit of brawn!
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- Only two ounces on each book. - Not much meat in it.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.- What?!
0:10:12 > 0:10:16- If it's horse I don't want it! - It's not horse, it's pork!
0:10:16 > 0:10:22- You said it was horse. - I said, "Don't look a gift horse..." Never mind.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Excuse me! Won't be long.
0:10:24 > 0:10:29Calm down! You know me. I'm 'ere on business.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31We all know what your business is!
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- CACKLING Is that nice?!- Joe, what is it?
0:10:34 > 0:10:39- A word, Jonesy. It's urgent and private.- We'll go in the cold room.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43- Take over, Raymond. - Right, Mr Jones. Who's first, then?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46ALL TALK AT ONCE >
0:10:46 > 0:10:51I've got a lot to do down the high street, Raymond. Do 'urry up! >
0:10:51 > 0:10:56- Why'd you bring me in 'ere? It's freezing!- We won't be overheard.
0:10:56 > 0:11:01- You know that delivery van of yours? You still got it?- It's in the yard.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- Don't it go? - Of course, but I can't get petrol.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Listen, I've got an idea.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12Why don't you loan it to Captain Mainwaring as platoon transport?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Why?
0:11:14 > 0:11:20Well, you see, sometimes, at night, I 'ave to transport certain things.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25If I'm driving an ordinary van, I may get stopped. On the other 'and,
0:11:25 > 0:11:31if I'm driving official transport I won't get stopped. Got it?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- I've got it. What do- I- get out of it?
0:11:34 > 0:11:39I thought you might... 'Ere, do you 'ave to 'ave this place so cold?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42It's according to regulations.
0:11:42 > 0:11:48If you let 'em have your van, they'll have to g-g-give you petrol coupons.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51I thought you could get p-p-petrol.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55I c-c-can get p-p-petrol, all right,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58but I can't get c-c-coupons.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02You can't get 'em. They're worth t-t-ten bob apiece.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07Anything I make I'll split 50/50 with you, a-a-all right?
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Sounds a bit...dodgy to me, Joe.
0:12:11 > 0:12:17D-d-don't worry, Jonesy. Leave it to your old p-p-pal Joe.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Oh, all right.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24That's my Jonesy.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Sorry, mate.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Absolutely first class.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Splendid vehicle. You must be proud, Corporal.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41- Yes, sir.- Due to your unselfishness we now have troop transport.
0:12:41 > 0:12:48Listen, men. Corporal Jones and Private Walker have worked non-stop to prepare this vehicle.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Corporal Jones will explain the results of their work.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57- I'm the official driver. Is that all right, sir?- Of course.- Thank you.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- Is that wise, sir? - It's his own van!
0:13:00 > 0:13:04I know, sir, but I'm not too keen on the idea.
0:13:04 > 0:13:09You're never too keen on anything, Sergeant. Carry on, Corporal.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14All round the back. Step this way, and I'll show you a few details.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Right.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Keep well back, so the officers can see.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25It's an all-purpose vehicle. First, it's an armoured car.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27The sandbags make it bullet-proof.
0:13:27 > 0:13:32It is also an ambulance. Kindly note the racks for the stretchers.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36It is a troop transport. You sit on the floor.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40It's gonna be cold on those marble slabs.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44The clinic said I shouldn't sit on anything cold.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- Mum won't like me sitting on marble. - All right!- Frank!
0:13:48 > 0:13:51What is the purpose of these slabs?
0:13:51 > 0:13:57I've got these marbles on the floor in case we run into a landmine.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Protection from blast-up.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03- They have to go back in the shop in the morning.- Oh.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08Then we might as well dispense with them until we have an invasion, eh?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- Sir. - Now...
0:14:10 > 0:14:16We have to work out a drill so the platoon can embark and disembark.
0:14:16 > 0:14:23- I've seen to that, sir.- What?- Shall I show it to you?- I can't wait, Wilson!- Fall into one line, please.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25WHISTLE BLOWS
0:14:25 > 0:14:27All right!
0:14:28 > 0:14:30All right.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- All right, embark! - WHISTLE
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Left turn. One, two, three. Left, right, left, right,
0:14:36 > 0:14:41left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.
0:14:41 > 0:14:46Sir, imagine that this van is moving down the road.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49If the van's moving, I should be driving.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54- Of course. Off you go. - I will be driving, sir.- Right.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59- Should we imagine the door is shut too?- Yes, Godfrey.- Right, Jonesy.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Right, sir. Rrrrm, Rrrrm. Rrrrm-a-rmmm. Rrrrm-a-rrrm.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Rrrrm-a-rrrm. Rrrrm-a-rrrm.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11- Engine's going, sir. Rrrrm. - Awfully glad. Off you go.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- Rrrrm-a-rrrm. - Now, sir.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19Now, sir, as the men are inside, the vehicle is moving.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Ready when you want to go, sir.
0:15:21 > 0:15:26- All right.- Yes.- The vehicle is moving down the road.- So I gathered.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31Enemy on the left. Range - 100 yards. Five rounds rapid fire.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36WHISTLE Open, two, three. Out, two, three. Bang, two, three.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43In, two, three. Shut, two, three.
0:15:43 > 0:15:49Good, isn't it? Enemy on the right. Range - 150 yards. Five rounds rapid fire.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Open, two, three. Out, two, three.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three. In, two, three. Shut.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Enemy bomber overhead. Five rounds rapid fire.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Out, two, three. Up, two, three. Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three. Down.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Disembark!
0:16:14 > 0:16:19Left, right, left, right, left, right. Left, right.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Left, right, left, right, left, right.
0:16:22 > 0:16:28- One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One.- There, sir.
0:16:28 > 0:16:33- Now, what did you think of that? - You never cease to amaze me, Wilson.
0:16:33 > 0:16:39You see, sir, I really am rather keen. But I have this difficulty in showing it.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Yes, I understand, Wilson.
0:16:41 > 0:16:46- Rrrrm! Rrrrm!- What's that? - I think it's Jones, sir.
0:16:46 > 0:16:51- He gets rather excited.- Rrrm, rrrrm! - HORN HONKS - Rrrrm, rrrrm!
0:16:51 > 0:16:55- All right, Jones. You can stop now. - Rrrrm, rrrrm!- Jones!- Sir?
0:16:55 > 0:16:59- You can stop now!- Oh, yes. - We're here.- Right, sir.
0:16:59 > 0:17:05- I've never 'eard such a row! I'm giving a lecture! - Nobody's stopping you.
0:17:05 > 0:17:11How can I with you going "Bang, bang"? Playing cowboys and Indians?
0:17:11 > 0:17:14We're testing our ambulance troop carrier.
0:17:14 > 0:17:21- This is an ambulance?! - Of course it is!- Looks like a butcher's van. Where's the 'orse?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I assure you it works extremely well.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29- You're in luck.- Why?- Next Saturday we're 'aving an air-raid practice.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32We need all the transport we can get.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37Report with your ambulance and six men at two o'clock to Percy Street.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42- I presume you mean at 14:00 hours? - ..Yes, 14:00 hours.
0:17:42 > 0:17:48- Well done, sir. You got it right. - We'll soon show him how efficient we are.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53Sir, about the petrol coupons. It's gonna use up a fair bit of juice.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56We're going to convert it to gas.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59- Gas?!- Gas?!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02I telephoned GHQ and explained about it.
0:18:02 > 0:18:08We take it to the RASC transport pool and they'll convert it to gas.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10So you can take it right away.
0:18:10 > 0:18:15And have it back here in time for the air-raid practice on Saturday.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- Carry on. - # It's a hap-hap-happy day
0:18:18 > 0:18:23# Toodle-oodle-oodle-oodle, oodle-ay. #
0:18:23 > 0:18:24BANG!
0:18:26 > 0:18:28"I've got a good idea," he says!
0:18:28 > 0:18:34"Lend the van to the platoon, and we'll get some free petrol coupons."
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I'm not a clairvoyant, am I?!
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Look what they done to my van. And what's this flipping great thing?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44It's the gas down to the engine.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Wherever I look there's a great, sagging bag.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54- Can't you take your mind off women for a moment, mate?- Oh, shut up!
0:18:54 > 0:18:56What's this?
0:18:56 > 0:19:05- Why's your bayonet here?- You never know when we might need it, Joe.- You never know when we might need it!
0:19:05 > 0:19:11You're bayonet barmy, mate. You won't meet any fuzzy-wuzzies 'ere!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- GAS HISSES - Heh heh heh!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16He he he!
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- Heh heh!- What's up with you?
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Heh heh heh! I don't know. I feel sorta light-headed.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26That's nothing new, is it?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36What...what are you laughing at?
0:19:36 > 0:19:41- #- I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls
0:19:41 > 0:19:45# With a little hot oil and a feather
0:19:45 > 0:19:48# And when I awoke I found it no joke
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- # It was tanning my... # - Get out of it!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55HYSTERICAL GIGGLES
0:19:58 > 0:20:01# Heil, Hitler, rah-rah-rah!
0:20:01 > 0:20:05# Oh, what a funny little man you are. With your little moustache and your hair all blah
0:20:05 > 0:20:08# Heil, Hitler, rah-rah-rah! #
0:20:09 > 0:20:12'Ere, you got a light, Jonesy?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Here you are, Joe.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- #- Sometimes I feel like...- # Thanks, mate.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- #- A long way from home.- #
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- It ain't half hot in here! - I hadn't noticed.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Blimey! The van's on fire! Stop!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38There's a big 'ole! It's escaping!
0:20:38 > 0:20:43- Do something!- What?!- Do what that little Belgian boy did in Brussels!
0:20:43 > 0:20:46I can't do that in 'ere!
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Not that! Put your finger in the 'ole!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- Oh! - Go on!
0:20:51 > 0:20:55That's a Dutch boy, you silly old duffer!
0:20:55 > 0:20:56INAUDIBLE
0:21:00 > 0:21:06- There you are! Where have you been? - We had a spot of trouble. Where is everybody?
0:21:06 > 0:21:11Captain Mainwaring's gone to Percy Street with the rest of the party.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14He said follow on as soon as possible.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18How long must I stick my finger in this 'ole?
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- Till the exercise is over. - That gas bag looks empty.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Blimey, we aren't 'alf losing gas!
0:21:25 > 0:21:29Don't take your finger out! Remember the Belgian boy.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Dutch boy, you silly old mole!
0:21:32 > 0:21:37No call for you to be nasty. We're running out of gas.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44Why don't we take some gas from the vicar's gas fire?
0:21:44 > 0:21:48- How are you gonna do that? - You'll see.
0:21:48 > 0:21:53Captain Mainwaring will do his nut if we're late! It's all your fault!
0:21:53 > 0:21:57My fault?! I like that! It was your flipping bayonet!
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- Here we are, Jonesy! - Oh, right.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- Connect that up.- Right. - I'll turn on the fire.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- Got it? > - Yeah.
0:22:07 > 0:22:14- Good old Jock! What would the English do without the brains of the Scots? Go on, turn it on!- Right!
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Dare I ask what you're doing?
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- Me? I'm, er, looking out of the window, sir.- Well,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26why is a hose attached to my fire?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Ah, well, you see, it's like this.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- You see yon big gas bag? - Yes.
0:22:31 > 0:22:37We didnae know what to do with it, so we thought we'd fill your fire.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Ah, most charitable, my friend! Most charitable.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Twerp!
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Stand well back. There's nothing to see.
0:22:50 > 0:22:55- Where's Jones?!- Perhaps he ran out of petrol.- It runs on gas.- Oh, yes.
0:22:55 > 0:23:02- When will they get 'ere? - Any moment.- I don't think much of your efficiency!
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Come on, stand back! I told you!
0:23:05 > 0:23:05Arthur!
0:23:05 > 0:23:09You forgot to give me the housekeeping.
0:23:09 > 0:23:14- Mavis, please, not now. We're busy. - I've got to do the shopping!
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- Lie on the pavement beside that old man.- Certainly not!
0:23:18 > 0:23:23- You're a casualty, aren't you?- No! - Get out of the way with the others!
0:23:23 > 0:23:30- This lady isn't going anywhere. Do you understand?- Well done, Wilson.- Thank you, sir.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Mavis, so you think £2 is enough?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Yes, of course.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40- You know, he's a wonderful man, Mr Mainwaring.- All right, Mavis.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- Utter chaos! - Here they come now.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46It's about time too! Whoa!
0:23:46 > 0:23:51- Get him in. I'll see how they're getting on in the next street.- Good.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring. I'm sorry, sir.
0:23:55 > 0:24:02- We had a spot of trouble.- Nothing to the trouble we've had here! Godfrey, Pike, get him on the stretcher.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Take him round to the back of the van.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Right, lift.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Oh, I beg your pardon!
0:24:11 > 0:24:16- Godfrey, pick it up! He's only an old man.- Not so old as I am, sir.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- Frazer, take over. - Out of the way, Grandpa!
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- Round the back of the van. - Round the back.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Right, open the doors, Corporal.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I can't, sir. It's locked.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- Well, who locked it?- I did, sir.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35- What on earth for? - I didn't want my marbles pinched.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39- Unlock it at once. - I haven't got the key, sir.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- For heaven's sake! Where is it?- At the shop.
0:24:42 > 0:24:48- Go and get it at once!- Yes, sir. - And Jones?- Yes, sir?- Take that bike.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53Sir, we could get him in through the wee door behind the driver's seat.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Good idea. Give them a hand, Wilson.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- Up, up, up.- Steady. Come on.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03- This end round. - Pike, be careful of that!
0:25:03 > 0:25:05ALL TALK AT ONCE
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Up your end, Mr Frazer. Heave!
0:25:09 > 0:25:13I can't pull him through! Put him through the window.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14INAUDIBLE
0:25:14 > 0:25:17THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Ooooh!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Down a bit!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Get him up! Get him up!
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Take him off! Take him down!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30ALL SHOUT
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Up you come.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Bend his legs. Frazer, bend his legs.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44- Did you take my bike?! - Yes. What of it?
0:25:44 > 0:25:49- You can't take private property! - I'm a captain in the Home Guard.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52They won't bend that way!
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- What are you doing to that poor man? - Mind your own business.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- We need the seat out, sir. - Good idea.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Go underneath us, or we can't do it.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06We can't get him in!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- Sir!- What is it? - I've got the key, sir.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Come on, get him round the back.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21That way. That's it.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24You're raving lunatics! I'm getting the police!
0:26:24 > 0:26:28You can't go in without the stretcher! >
0:26:28 > 0:26:33What is the matter with you?! Come on! Dear, oh, dear. Ready, driver?
0:26:33 > 0:26:37I'll give the signal when we're ready. Two bangs.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41When you're ready give the signal. Two bangs.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Right, are you ready? Right, that's it!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Ooooh!
0:26:50 > 0:26:52ENGINE STARTS
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Away you go!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Come back!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00WHISTLE
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Wait, Jonesy!
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Oy!
0:27:15 > 0:27:19- What's up!- That wasn't a signal! The door stuck!
0:27:19 > 0:27:24- It sounded like the signal! - You old fool! This is the signal!
0:27:30 > 0:27:34I'll walk to the flipping 'ospital!
0:28:38 > 0:28:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd