0:00:02 > 0:00:10# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, If you think we're on the run?
0:00:11 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# We are the boys who will make you think again!
0:00:22 > 0:00:27# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# If you think old England's done!?
0:00:32 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town On the 8.21
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun!
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:46 > 0:00:51# If you think old England's done!? #
0:00:55 > 0:01:01Welcome to Walmington-on-Sea(!) Blimey, what a dump!
0:01:01 > 0:01:06I joined the Navy to see the world, not to get stuck on a ruddy pier!
0:01:06 > 0:01:12You got on for nothing, didn't you? Before the war, you'd have had to pay a penny!
0:01:12 > 0:01:16What's the time, mate? Four o'clock.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21In two hours, it'll be ta-ra to sunny Walmington-on-Sea for good!
0:01:21 > 0:01:29I wonder who's taking over. There's a detachment due in a week's time.
0:01:29 > 0:01:36Somebody better tell Hitler not to invade this week. There won't be anybody to stop him.
0:01:36 > 0:01:43Oh, yes, there will! The PO said the Home Guard are taking over for the week!
0:01:43 > 0:01:49The Home Guard? Blimey! Gawd help poor old England!
0:01:49 > 0:01:54Now, I'll just go through the details once more.
0:01:54 > 0:01:59- Not again!- Did you say something? - Sorry, sir. Beg your pardon.
0:01:59 > 0:02:06We've been entrusted with the task of manning the machine-gun post at the pier here.
0:02:06 > 0:02:15You will notice that the pier has been blown up in the middle, to stop the enemy from landing there.
0:02:17 > 0:02:25I think you will agree that we will need a boat to get from this end HERE to this end HERE.
0:02:25 > 0:02:32- Hear, hear(!)- Quiet! We have a dinghy, but unfortunately, it only holds three people.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36It'll take several trips, and we need somebody to row.
0:02:36 > 0:02:42Permission to speak! I volunteer to row the boat from there to there!
0:02:42 > 0:02:48- I think it should be somebody who's more used to it. - Oh, please!- Sit down!
0:02:48 > 0:02:53- Frazer, you were in the Navy. You row.- Aye, sir.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57We shall all proceed from this end HERE...
0:02:57 > 0:03:05and shall embark from these steps here. Now, you, Frazer, will take Sgt Wilson and myself over first,
0:03:05 > 0:03:10then you'll row back and pick up Walker and Jones, take them across,
0:03:10 > 0:03:18- then you'll come back and pick up Pike and Godfrey, and then... - Row back and pick up yourself.
0:03:18 > 0:03:26I shan't tell you again! Now, let's do a check on what food we have, because we'll be out all night.
0:03:26 > 0:03:33- Permission to speak, sir! I prepared three pounds of sausages at dinner-time.- Good. Thank you.
0:03:33 > 0:03:39- And I have mustard, sir. English, French or German.- Just the English...
0:03:42 > 0:03:50- I made a fruit-cake. I've got apples and tomatoes. - I've got whisky.- Eh?- On the house!
0:03:50 > 0:03:56- We shan't starve!- No, sir. Sounds positively a gastronomic orgy.
0:03:56 > 0:04:03- What have you brought?- Well... a quarter-pound of acid drops. My favourite.
0:04:03 > 0:04:10I'd never have guessed (!) Well, that's all. Now... Pike!
0:04:10 > 0:04:18- You must not wear a coloured scarf with your uniform!- Me mum says not to take it off. I get croup.
0:04:18 > 0:04:24- Croup? Chickens get that, don't they?- Yes, that's right.
0:04:24 > 0:04:31- He gets it as well.- Really? - Yes.- Extraordinary. Perhaps he should bring some eggs!
0:04:31 > 0:04:36- Very nice little joke, sir! - Right, come along. Quick as we can.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40I want to get settled before darkness.
0:04:42 > 0:04:50Men, pay attention to the way I get into the boat. I don't want anyone to fall in the water. Understand?
0:04:52 > 0:04:58You will observe that I keep one foot on the ladder here...
0:04:58 > 0:05:02and one hand on the post here.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05The other foot is in the boat thus.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Don't jiggle about!
0:05:12 > 0:05:20- Turn it around! Turn the boat round!- Make up your mind what way you want to get in!
0:05:22 > 0:05:27- Keep the boat still, Frazer! - I'm keeping it as still as I can! >
0:05:27 > 0:05:35Oi! Oi! Pay careful attention to Mr Mainwaring getting into the boat. We don't want anyone in the water!
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Move over, Frazer! I can't get in!
0:05:38 > 0:05:44How can I move over? I'm supposed to be rowing! Ow! >
0:05:44 > 0:05:47You kicked me in the stomach, you stupid Sassenach! >
0:05:47 > 0:05:51How dare you?! Take his name, Wilson.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Come in, number 27! Your time's up!
0:06:21 > 0:06:26Walker! Report to me in the amusement arcade!
0:06:26 > 0:06:34- Here you are, sir. Just a bit more. Well done. There you are, sir. Well done.- Right. Thank you, Wilson.
0:06:34 > 0:06:42- Go back for the others, Frazer, and get them in the boat properly! - Away and die, you Sassenach git!
0:06:42 > 0:06:48- What did he say?- I have no idea, sir. It must have been Gaelic.
0:06:48 > 0:06:53- Whatever it was, it sounded rude. - Yes, indeed. Very unpleasant.
0:06:53 > 0:07:01- Ah! Oh, well! This is all right, isn't it?- Oh, yes, it is! It's absolutely delightful!
0:07:03 > 0:07:10Ah! We'll set up the machine-gun out here. And we'll take it in turns to go on watch.
0:07:10 > 0:07:18- Right, sir.- Good. Oh, I say! A hammock! Good! I'll take that. - Oh, now, really, sir!
0:07:18 > 0:07:21What's the matter?
0:07:21 > 0:07:26I really must protest, sir! Not even, "May I take the hammock?"
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Or even, "Do you MIND if I take it?"
0:07:29 > 0:07:36You just strut over and say, "I'm taking that." It's just the sort of behaviour I cannot stand!
0:07:36 > 0:07:44Well, I'm sorry, Wilson. Perhaps it was a little unthinking of me, a little undemocratic.
0:07:44 > 0:07:50- You know I'd never take advantage of my position.- Really, sir?
0:07:50 > 0:07:54- We shall take it in turns. - Thank you.- And I'm first.
0:07:57 > 0:08:05- Ah! Walker! Good crossing?- It was a bit choppy, sir.- May I sit down, sir? I feel a little queer.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08No time for that. Set up the gun.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Go on, Walker. Out on the sandbags.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18And cover it up! We don't want the salt air in it!
0:08:20 > 0:08:28If Hitler invades, we shall be in the thick of it. Wish he would. I'm spoiling for a fight.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32- Are you really, sir? - Who gets the hammock?
0:08:32 > 0:08:38- We're taking turns.- The Captain's going first.- Is he? I AM surprised.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Put the black-outs up.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Right, sir.
0:08:58 > 0:09:06Hello, sir. Captain Mainwaring reporting. Yes, we've taken up our positions. We're ready for Hitler.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10No, no, no. Snug as a bug in a rug, here. Yes.
0:09:10 > 0:09:15If Gerry gets past us, it'll be over our dead bodies.
0:09:17 > 0:09:25Thank you very much, sir. Goodbye. That's the sort of fighting talk they like at GHQ, Wilson.
0:09:25 > 0:09:33Here we are, sir. Frazer and I are here. Pike is tying up the boat. Listen!
0:09:33 > 0:09:37WIND WHISTLES What's that sound?
0:09:37 > 0:09:41It's the wind in the girders.
0:09:41 > 0:09:49Aye, that's what YOU'D call it. But to somebody like mysel', who's spent his entire life at sea,
0:09:49 > 0:09:56it's the cry of ancient mariners lost in the deep... HARK!
0:09:59 > 0:10:05There it is again! Can you not hear them? Tormented cries for help!
0:10:07 > 0:10:12I did that speech at the drama society's production.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16I was the best thing in it.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20I'm very glad we didn't go to it.
0:10:20 > 0:10:27- I tied the boat up, Mr Mainwaring. - Right. Now, gather around for your orders for the night.
0:10:27 > 0:10:35We're on duty until 6.30 am. The time now is five minutes to... 21 hundred hours.
0:10:35 > 0:10:41- No, sir. No, no, no. It's 20.55. - Yes, well, that's what the time is.
0:10:41 > 0:10:48Now, I've worked out a rota, and it works out at an hour and a half of guard-duty each. Godfrey's first.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53That's from 21.00 to 22.30. Jones - 22.30 to 24.00.
0:10:53 > 0:11:00- And you, Walker, will take 24.00 to 25.30.- No, sir, it's 1.30. You start again after 24.00.
0:11:00 > 0:11:07- All right! 1.30.- I'm only trying to explain...- Yes, yes, all right! Go on, Godfrey.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11ALL: Yes, go on, Godfrey! Out you go!
0:11:11 > 0:11:19- Now, I'm starving. Where's the food, Pike?- I left it in the boat! - Well, go and get it, you stupid boy.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- Who's having the hammock?- I am.
0:11:22 > 0:11:28- We're taking it in turns.- Oh, yes, sir. There's nothing like a hammock!
0:11:28 > 0:11:32It's all cosy. It wraps itself right round you.
0:11:32 > 0:11:39In Nelson's day, when sailors came into port they'd take their wives aboard.
0:11:39 > 0:11:46That stopped them getting restless. The trouble was, you didn't know who was in what hammock!
0:11:46 > 0:11:51They'd hang a leg out of the hammock. And when the cox-swine came in...
0:11:51 > 0:11:56he'd run his hand up the leg to see if it was a man or a woman's leg!
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Hence the saying, "Show a leg."
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Ah, Pike! Put the food on the table.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11- Can't wait for one of your sausages. - I done 'em just as you like 'em, sir.
0:12:11 > 0:12:17All crispy on the outside and pink inside. Very tasty! Very sweet!
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Put the food on the table, boy!
0:12:20 > 0:12:26I...can't put the food on the table, Mr Mainwaring. 'Cos I haven't got it.
0:12:26 > 0:12:31- You left it behind?- Oh, no, sir. The food's in the boat.
0:12:31 > 0:12:36- There's just one snag. - What's that?- The boat's gone.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- WHAT ?- With all that lovely grub!
0:12:40 > 0:12:48- Did you tie the boat up?- Yes! There was a big electric cable and a thin one. I tied it to the thin one.- WHY?
0:12:48 > 0:12:55- I didn't want to touch the thick one. I might get electricified.- Stupid...!
0:12:55 > 0:12:59I expect you tied it to the telephone cable!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Just as I thought. Dead as a dodo!
0:13:03 > 0:13:08We're marooned. Completely cut-off! No boat, no telephone, and no food!
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I still have some acid drops.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Sorry, Mr Mainwaring. Sorry, Joe.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23I'm sorry, Mr Jones.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I'm very sorry, Mr Frazer.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36I'm sorry. I didn't... Well, I didn't...
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Sorry, Mr Godfrey!
0:13:54 > 0:13:59- What about? - Get back on duty, Godfrey!
0:13:59 > 0:14:05- Why don't we signal to the shore for help?- Flash a light!
0:14:05 > 0:14:10- Good idea. Hand me the torch, Wilson.- I didn't bring a torch, sir.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13You didn't bring a torch?
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Nobody suggested I bring a torch.
0:14:17 > 0:14:23I distinctly remember telling you to bring a torch AND spare batteries!
0:14:23 > 0:14:28We could open and shut the window and they'll see the light!
0:14:28 > 0:14:32Yes! (I'll tend to YOU later!)
0:14:33 > 0:14:40- Permission to speak! I volunteer to open and shut the window, sir!- No, I think Sgt Wilson had better do it.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Sergeant.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Yes, sir.
0:14:45 > 0:14:51- We'll do it in Morse code.- I don't know any Morse code.- Naturally.
0:14:51 > 0:14:58- You were in the Navy, Frazer. You must know the Morse code. How do you spell "help"?- Just a minute...
0:14:58 > 0:15:02H-E-L-P.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05He doesn't know! He was only a cook!
0:15:05 > 0:15:11- Only a cook? I'll tell you...! - All right, all right.
0:15:11 > 0:15:19- I know Morse code, sir. You want SOS.- Ah.- You go dot dot dot, dash dash dash, dot dot dot!
0:15:19 > 0:15:25- Right. Stand by, Wilson.- How do you do dots and dashes with a window?
0:15:25 > 0:15:31- You open and shut the door at varying speeds!- Of course, sir.
0:15:31 > 0:15:40- What was that again?- Three dots, three dashes, three dots. Dit dit dit, DA-A DA-A DA-A, dit dit dit!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I see.
0:15:42 > 0:15:50- You got that?- I think so. - Da da... You heard what he said. Go on.- Right... Dit! Dit!
0:15:54 > 0:16:00No, no, no, Mr Wilson! You done a da instead of a dit!
0:16:00 > 0:16:08- You're ditting when you should be dahing!- I can't help it! It's broken!- Get out of the way!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- I'll do this.- Let the officer do it.
0:16:17 > 0:16:24Chilly tonight. Still, you're all right with that new uniform! Not bad, eh? I just got it.
0:16:24 > 0:16:31Why did you get one and not me? I waited a whole year for it! Yeah, but...
0:16:31 > 0:16:38Look! There's a light flashing! That must be Mainwaring and his mob. They're on guard tonight.
0:16:38 > 0:16:47Mainwaring? I might have guessed! I've got to get out there! He's done it on me, hasn't he?
0:16:47 > 0:16:53A boat! I need a boat! You can't! Those are for kids!
0:16:53 > 0:17:00I've got to get out there! No, but...! Mainwaring's persecuting me!
0:17:02 > 0:17:07- Hey, sir! Sir!- What is it?- They've spotted us! Something's coming!
0:17:07 > 0:17:13- Oh, good!- Wonder what it is. It's making a lot of splashing.
0:17:13 > 0:17:18Hey! Put that light out! Put that light out!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Agggh!
0:17:25 > 0:17:33- That's funny! It disappeared! - It can't have! Can you see anything, Wilson?- Not a thing.
0:17:33 > 0:17:40- Rather eerie, isn't it, sir?- Aye! Permission to speak, sir! Perhaps it's a secret weapon!
0:17:40 > 0:17:47- Don't be daft, Jones. It wouldn't come from our own shore, would it? - Perhaps that's the secret!
0:17:50 > 0:17:54GURGLING What's that noise?
0:17:54 > 0:18:02- Mr Mainwaring!- Yes?- Come up here, quick! There's a...thing coming up the ladder!
0:18:02 > 0:18:07- Please, may I shoot it? - Certainly not! Leave this to me!
0:18:12 > 0:18:16You! You stupid load of hooligans!
0:18:20 > 0:18:25My uniform! You've ruined my new uniform! I only just got it!
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Leave off! I gave you my whisky, didn't I?
0:18:29 > 0:18:34Don't upset him. He's our side's best bowler.
0:18:34 > 0:18:45- We've just got to make the best of it until morning. See how Godfrey's getting on, Walker.- Sir.
0:18:45 > 0:18:50- Mr Mainwaring!- Yes? - Come over h...! Look at this!
0:18:50 > 0:18:55- It's full of chocolate!- I say! That's a lucky stroke!
0:18:55 > 0:19:02- What are you doing !? - I was going to break the glass. - Break the glass?- Yes.
0:19:02 > 0:19:09- Have you lost your senses?- No... - We're not savages, you know.
0:19:09 > 0:19:17We're a well-trained British army, and sportsmen, not Nazis! That's the sort of thing THEY'D do!
0:19:17 > 0:19:26- We'll get that chocolate by fair means! I want a volunteer to use that crane.- I volunteer, sir!
0:19:26 > 0:19:33- Right you are, Corporal.- Thank you, sir.- I shall navigate.- Yes, sir. - We need pennies. I haven't got any.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Sergeant?- I know I haven't got any.
0:19:36 > 0:19:41- I've got a penny! > - ONE isn't much use.
0:19:41 > 0:19:46- What about you, Frazer? - Did you speak, sir?
0:19:46 > 0:19:51- Got any pennies?- Aye... I have, thank you, sir.- Hand them over!
0:19:51 > 0:19:57- My pennies! My...!- Come on, come on, it's for the good of the platoon.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- Stand by.- Standing by, sir!
0:20:03 > 0:20:08- Left a little...- Left a little, sir. - To the right.- To the right, sir...
0:20:08 > 0:20:15- Right, start lowering. - Lowering away, sir.- Right...- Right... - There we go...
0:20:15 > 0:20:22- Here we go... You're getting there...- Right, sir... It's coming... It's coming...!
0:20:22 > 0:20:26We've done it! We've done it, sir!
0:20:26 > 0:20:33Blast it! Let me have a try! They're MY pennies, aren't they?
0:20:33 > 0:20:39- That's not fair! - All right, all right... Go on, Frazer.
0:20:40 > 0:20:49- Left a little... Left...- I can manage this all by myself! I don't want any interference, understand?
0:21:16 > 0:21:24- Well, that's the last penny. - No! Not one and sixpence gone! 18 pennies! 36 halfpennies!
0:21:24 > 0:21:28- Calm down. - It wasnae YOUR money!- Sir!
0:21:28 > 0:21:32- Godfrey was asleep on duty so I shot him.- Good.
0:21:32 > 0:21:39- What's going on?- We're trying to get this chocolate out.- Is that all? Stand back.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43That's it... Right...
0:21:44 > 0:21:50- Hang on... There we go. Cop hold of that.- That's stealing!
0:21:50 > 0:21:57- We put one and sevenpence into the machine, and there IS a war on! - Maybe you're right. Here, Frazer.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- Thank you, sir!- Hand them round.
0:22:00 > 0:22:08- What about ME, then?- Don't worry. - This chocolate must be two years old. What's it like, Frazer?
0:22:08 > 0:22:13Not bad! A wee bit hard, maybe, but not at all bad!
0:22:15 > 0:22:22Peuggh! This chocolate's all damaged! It's cardboard!
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Mine's all right!
0:22:51 > 0:22:57# OHH, SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE AND LOVE! #
0:22:57 > 0:23:02DRUNKEN SINGING CONTINUES
0:23:02 > 0:23:05CHORUS OF "SHUT-UP"S
0:23:08 > 0:23:15- # OHHH...! # - How dare you keep everybody awake like this? Shut up and go to sleep!
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Don't you tell ME to shut up!
0:23:18 > 0:23:23- Cover him up!- Come on! I'll take you on!
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Come on, fatso! CHAOS
0:23:27 > 0:23:33Try not to be quite so excitable, for heaven's sake!
0:23:33 > 0:23:38- He's our best bowler, sir. Please... - Get him into the hammock.
0:23:38 > 0:23:43- Get in there. - The trouble is, nobody loves me!
0:23:43 > 0:23:50- Oh, we DO, Warden!- Just because I tell everybody to put their lights out! Put their lights out!
0:23:50 > 0:23:54What a very nasty little scene, sir.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57What do you expect from a tradesman?
0:24:12 > 0:24:17Blimey! The tide's coming up a bit high!
0:24:24 > 0:24:29Cor! Blimey, what's that! I don't like the look of THAT thing!
0:24:29 > 0:24:34That's a big black round thing! What's THAT ?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Mr Mainwaring!
0:24:36 > 0:24:41- Mr Mainwaring! - Carefully does it, Mavis!
0:24:46 > 0:24:54- Mr Mainwaring!- Mmm...! - Mr Mainwaring!- Oh. Yes, Jones? - Permission to wake you up, sir!
0:24:54 > 0:24:59- What time is it? - It's a quarter to six hours, sir.
0:24:59 > 0:25:06- What's the matter?- Sir, there's something under the pier I do not like the look of.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11- Will you follow me, sir?- Ohh... - Come this way, sir.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Over here, sir.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Yes, that's right, sir, it's down there.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Now, look down between these boards.
0:25:32 > 0:25:40- I'm in no mood for practical jokes at this hour, Jones!- No, sir, it wasn't one, sir. Look down here, sir.
0:25:40 > 0:25:47- What's that big black thing, sir? - Good heavens! It can't be...! It IS !- What, sir?- It's a mine!
0:25:47 > 0:25:53- No time to lose! Follow me! - Right, sir!- Wake the men up!
0:25:53 > 0:25:59Yes, sir. Don't panic! Don't panic! There's a mine under the pier!
0:25:59 > 0:26:04Don't panic! Come on! Show a leg! Show a leg!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Come on! Come on! Follow me!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Right, men, follow me! Quickly!
0:26:14 > 0:26:23- What we've got to do, Jones, is fend it off these girders, or we'll all be blown sky-high!- Yes, sir!
0:26:23 > 0:26:28- Push it off! Push it off! - I'm trying! But my pole's too short!
0:26:28 > 0:26:33Get out of the way! It's coming round this other way!
0:26:37 > 0:26:44- Hey, hey! Come on! What do you think you're doing? - Trying to stop this bomb exploding!
0:26:44 > 0:26:53- This is an ARP matter, and I'm in charge!- Oh, get out!- Come on! Give me that!- What are you doing?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Arggh!
0:27:02 > 0:27:07- It's following him!- It must be magnetic, following his tin hat!
0:27:07 > 0:27:11- Get it off!- Take your helmet off!
0:27:14 > 0:27:21- It's drifting out to sea!- Quick! Up on deck! We've got to blow it up before it does any damage!
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Wait for me!
0:27:28 > 0:27:35Frazer, you take the Lewis gun! Everyone, take aim, and, in your own time, fire!
0:27:43 > 0:27:46It's drifting towards the shore!
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Stop talking. Go on firing.
0:27:55 > 0:28:00- It's headed for the novelty rock emporium!- Fire!- We're out of ammo!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Stand back! Can't you even hit that?
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- I've had enough of you!- Stand back!
0:28:20 > 0:28:28- By Jove, Wilson, you were right. He IS a good bowler.- He's even better with his clothes on.- Really?