0:00:02 > 0:00:06# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:06 > 0:00:10# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:10 > 0:00:16# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:16 > 0:00:21# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:21 > 0:00:25# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:25 > 0:00:29# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:35# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
0:00:35 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
0:00:41 > 0:00:45# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:45 > 0:00:49# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Now pay attention, men.
0:00:54 > 0:00:59This war has now been in progress for eighteen months.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04It's becoming increasingly clear that Jerry is feeling the pinch.
0:01:04 > 0:01:10True, he's thrown us out of Greece and he's thrown us out of Crete.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13He did it by using parachute troops.
0:01:13 > 0:01:21No doubt 1941 will go down in history as the year the parachute revolutionised military strategy.
0:01:21 > 0:01:28Mind you, I saw all this coming a long time ago, but nobody listened to me.
0:01:29 > 0:01:37I can remember as far back as 1936, my wife and I were on holiday at Bognor. Bognor Regis.
0:01:37 > 0:01:43And, er...I went up for a five shilling trip in a biplane,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Mr Alan Cobham's Flying Circus.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51And, er...we were soaring through the clouds, wind blowing in my face.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55I looked down and suddenly...
0:01:58 > 0:02:02..the idea came to me in a flash parachute troops.
0:02:02 > 0:02:08So I went straight back to the boarding...the hotel where we were staying
0:02:08 > 0:02:13and wrote a long letter to the War Office explaining the whole thing.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18Believe it or not, gentlemen, they didn't even bother to reply.
0:02:18 > 0:02:25Like our great leader, Winston Churchill, I was a voice crying in the wilderness,
0:02:25 > 0:02:29"Wake up, England!"
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Or was that Gillie Potter?
0:02:33 > 0:02:39However, the boot is on the other foot and I am in a position where my ideas are no longer ignored.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Well, at least in Walmington-on-Sea.
0:02:42 > 0:02:50- I expect you're wondering where all this is leading.- It'll lead to us not getting a drink.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- Blether, blether.- What did you say?
0:02:54 > 0:03:00I was just thinking. Very profound, sir. Very profound thinking indeed.
0:03:00 > 0:03:08Thank you, Frazer. I have received a memo from GHQ and which has been sent to all Home Guard units.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11"To all ranks of the Home Guard.
0:03:11 > 0:03:18"In order to create confusion, the enemy has been dropping empty parachutes in the southern counties.
0:03:18 > 0:03:25- "All parachutes found must be reported to GHQ." - Permission to speak, sir.- Yes.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30Supposing one of our lads jumps out of an aeroplane wearing a parachute
0:03:30 > 0:03:35and, having landed on the ground, divests himself of same, walks away
0:03:35 > 0:03:43and then we're marching along a bit nonchalant and one of us spies it and might gesticulate towards it.
0:03:43 > 0:03:48Now we do not know if it IS his, because he walked away previous.
0:03:48 > 0:03:55What we want to know is, how do we know it's a British parachute or a Hun one?
0:03:55 > 0:04:00- That's a very good question. - Yes, it is. Beautifully phrased.
0:04:00 > 0:04:07Well, it so happens, Jones, that the answer to your question is here in this memo.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Oh, thank you...
0:04:10 > 0:04:18"Our parachutes are pure white. Nazi parachutes are a dirty, off-white, creamy colour."
0:04:18 > 0:04:20As one might have expected.
0:04:20 > 0:04:25- There's your answer. If it's not white, it's not ours.- Thank you.
0:04:25 > 0:04:30Now there's more in this memo than meets the eye.
0:04:30 > 0:04:38Rudolf Hess was dropped into this country by parachute six weeks ago since when we've heard nothing.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43It's quite obvious to me that the rats are leaving the sinking ship.
0:04:43 > 0:04:51- Other Nazi leaders may be here. - The new commissionaire at the cinema looks like Herr Hitler.
0:04:51 > 0:04:58- He does. He's got a moustache and a stiff arm. - All right. Settle down.
0:04:58 > 0:05:03May sound absurd, but it's the sort of thing we should check against.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08- When you go to the pictures, ask to see his identity card.- Love to.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13If we do find an empty parachute, by the time we report to HQ,
0:05:13 > 0:05:18whoever was on the end of it could be miles away.
0:05:18 > 0:05:24We should use a tracker dog to lead us direct to whoever came down in it.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29Excellent idea, Frazer. Problem is, none of us has a dog.
0:05:29 > 0:05:35- I know where I can lay me hands on a dog.- Is he a smeller?- Eh?
0:05:35 > 0:05:42- Pick up a scent?- Anything you like. Is it fierce? Anything you like.
0:05:42 > 0:05:50- When can you have this dog here? - Some time tomorrow night.- Good. That's settled. Dismiss the men.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Platoon, attention! All right. Dismiss.
0:05:54 > 0:06:00- Coming for a drink?- I want a word with Capt Mainwaring. See you there.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Yes.- Can I have a word, sir?
0:06:06 > 0:06:13- Yes, certainly, Walker. - It's, er...a little bit intimate. - I think I'll go.
0:06:13 > 0:06:20- Don't go. You might be able to give advice. You don't mind...?- No, no, no.
0:06:20 > 0:06:28Intimate? I hope that in addition to being your commanding officer I'm also your friend. What is it?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Well, er...
0:06:31 > 0:06:36- Well, come on. Is it a woman?- ..Eh?!
0:06:36 > 0:06:40- Is it a woman? - I think I will go.
0:06:40 > 0:06:46- It's not a woman. It's a parachute. I found one.- Oh, is that all?
0:06:46 > 0:06:51- When?!- About two weeks ago in the woods.- Why didn't you report it?
0:06:51 > 0:06:59- You've only just told us. - You should have done something about it.- I did.- What did you do?
0:06:59 > 0:07:03I had it made up into eight dozen pairs.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07(Eight dozen pairs...?)
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Eight dozen pairs of what?
0:07:10 > 0:07:17- Eight dozen pairs of ladies' knickers.- Ladies' knickers?- Yes. - Ladies' knickers?! Here we are,
0:07:17 > 0:07:24with our backs to the wall, rations cut to the bone, the Nazis poised to attack,
0:07:24 > 0:07:32- and you had a parachute made into ladies' knickers?!- Do stop using that word.- All right. Bloomers.
0:07:32 > 0:07:40I wasn't to know, was I? It was just lying there on the ground. Nobody wants an empty parachute.
0:07:40 > 0:07:45- I thought, "All that lovely silk going to waste."- All right.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- Was it ours or theirs?- Eh?
0:07:48 > 0:07:55Our parachutes are white. Nazi parachutes are cream. Was it white or cream?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- I don't remember.- Find a pair.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Sold 'em all on me stall. Went like hot cakes.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06There must be some material over.
0:08:06 > 0:08:13- I gave this bloke the whole parachute to make up.- Find him. - I can't. He moves around a lot.
0:08:13 > 0:08:21We must get our hands on a pair of these ladies'...underthings and find out if they're white or cream.
0:08:21 > 0:08:27If Walker's made up eight dozen pairs of this, er...lingerie...
0:08:27 > 0:08:31- What?- Lingerie. Plenty of people bought them.
0:08:31 > 0:08:36Yes, that's good thinking, Wilson. There must be plenty about.
0:08:36 > 0:08:44Come to the bank tomorrow afternoon and we'll make some enquiries. We must get to the bottom of this.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58Shouldn't have any trouble. They all know me in Walmington-on-Sea.
0:08:58 > 0:09:04- A bank manager commands respect. Good afternoon.- We don't want any.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09We'd better try the next house.
0:09:09 > 0:09:14No, you don't want to give up as easily as that. Let me try.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19You've got to be persistent, get the old foot in the door.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Ah, good day, sir.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Oooh!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35(This'll be a pushover.)
0:09:35 > 0:09:41Good day, sir. I believe your missus has got a pair of my pants.
0:09:45 > 0:09:50< Up to your old tricks again?! < No, Jim, you've got me all wrong!
0:09:50 > 0:09:55< I'll teach you, my girl ! WOMAN SCREAMS
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Yes, I think we'll move on.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06That's very quick.
0:10:07 > 0:10:12Good afternoon. I'm Mr Mainwaring, the manager of the Swallow Bank.
0:10:12 > 0:10:17We're here on a delicate mission. I wish to see your underwear.
0:10:17 > 0:10:25- It is to ascertain whether it's white or cream. There's a simple explanation for...- How dare you?!
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- All right, sir?- I'm fine, Wilson.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33- You try the next one.- Do you think that's wise?- Oh, get on with it!
0:10:39 > 0:10:44- Nobody's going to bite you. - You can't be too sure, sir.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- Ah.- Hello.- Good afternoon.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53- Well, what can I do for you? - Well, the fact is, I, er...
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- I, er...- Yes?
0:10:56 > 0:11:01- We, er...well...I'd, um... - Get on with it, Wilson!- Of course.
0:11:01 > 0:11:06I was just wondering if I could, if you wouldn't mind if I...
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Really! Come on in, won't you?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Not you two. Just him.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Excuse me, sir. I won't be a moment.
0:11:22 > 0:11:29Mr Mainwaring, have you noticed the extraordinary influence that Mr Wilson seems to have over women?
0:11:29 > 0:11:34I'm getting rather tired of Wilson's sordid little peccadillos.
0:11:34 > 0:11:39- I won't discuss them. They bore me.- Sorry I spoke.
0:11:40 > 0:11:45- Well, thank you, and good day. - You're welcome. T.T.F.N.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Well, were they white or were they cream?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53No, actually they were blue.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04- Surely we'll have some luck here. - I don't think anyone's at home.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Hang on. I'll have a look through the letter-box.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13There's a little boy in the hall. Little boy, is your mummy at home?
0:12:13 > 0:12:18- He's all alone.- That's no good. - Hang on. I've got an idea.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23Little boy, come here. Put your ear down against the letter-box.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28Will you go upstairs, look in your mother's bedroom...?
0:12:28 > 0:12:33- You never know what he's up to. - It's all right. I've fixed it.
0:12:33 > 0:12:42- That's them, Warden. I hear you've been asking funny questions.- Clear off and go home!
0:12:42 > 0:12:47I've read about people like him. What's your game?
0:12:47 > 0:12:52- There's a perfectly innocent explanation.- There you are, sir.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06Now I want you to imagine you're marching along,
0:13:06 > 0:13:11and suddenly you're attacked by enemy gunfire. Now what do you do?
0:13:11 > 0:13:19- Kneel down.- No, you don't do anything silly like that. You fall flat on your face.
0:13:19 > 0:13:26When you're attacked by enemy gunfire, you've got to remember four important things.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29First...
0:13:32 > 0:13:37Down, crawl, observe and fire. Have you got that?
0:13:37 > 0:13:42So I'm marching along, aren't I? I'm marching along like this.
0:13:42 > 0:13:49You're the Nazi machine-gunner, Pikey. As soon as I march round the corner, let me have it.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Back him up with machine-gun noises.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55I'm marching, birds are singing...
0:13:55 > 0:14:02- Shall I make bird noises? - No, no, don't bother. - I'm good at bird noises.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06- I'm marching... - Get on with it!
0:14:06 > 0:14:10I'm marching along...
0:14:10 > 0:14:17RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT !! It's no use waving your hand, you're dead.
0:14:17 > 0:14:22I'm not dead. I haven't marched round the corner yet.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25I'm coming round the corner now.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT !!
0:14:31 > 0:14:37Now I don't know if you noticed, but I did that in slow motion.
0:14:37 > 0:14:43- What's the difference? - My body rests on my arm and my rifle sticks up.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48- They don't like it up 'em. - Don't try and be funny.
0:14:48 > 0:14:53So now here comes the crawl. Crawl ! Crawl ! Crawl !
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Observe! Observe! And fire!
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Fire! Bang! Bang! Fire!
0:15:00 > 0:15:04- Mr Jones. Mr Jones. - What is it?
0:15:07 > 0:15:12- What's up?- Why do you crawl away from where you fell before you fire?
0:15:12 > 0:15:17That's a good question and there's a simple answer.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22The enemy has been watching the spot where you got down.
0:15:22 > 0:15:27If you started to fire before you got away from where you went down,
0:15:27 > 0:15:32the enemy would know where you were as they're watching where you fell.
0:15:32 > 0:15:37If you crawl away and fire, away from the spot where you got down,
0:15:37 > 0:15:44the enemy would be surprised as they're watching where you fell and not where you are. Got that?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Up to where you said it was simple, yes.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53Fetch Mr Mainwaring. We'll show him what I taught you.
0:15:53 > 0:15:59- Right, boys? Rat-a-tat-a-tat! Down!- Down!- Crawl !- Crawl !
0:15:59 > 0:16:03- Observe!- Observe! - Fire!- Fire!
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
0:16:06 > 0:16:11It's all right, Pike. I can help meself up this time.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16- What have you got here? - There he is. What do you think?
0:16:16 > 0:16:21- He's certainly a smeller.- Don't be cheeky. Hello, Mr Mainwaring.
0:16:21 > 0:16:26- One tracking dog as ordered. - Ah, well, very nice animal.
0:16:26 > 0:16:31- Did you manage to get hold of any of those...?- No, not a single pair.
0:16:31 > 0:16:36- We'll never know if they were white or cream.- Let's not discuss it now.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Let's have a look at this dog.
0:16:40 > 0:16:47- Has he got the stamina to track miles and miles of country? - He can go on for days.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Full of life.
0:16:50 > 0:16:55We should try him out under actual combat conditions and find out.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Someone has to be the Nazi paratrooper for the scent.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04I'll be a Nazi paratrooper so the dog can get my scent.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07You don't need a dog for that.
0:17:07 > 0:17:13All right, all right, Walker. Now look, take the dog out,
0:17:13 > 0:17:20- and the rest of the platoon and when Jones has laid the scent, I'll blow the whistle.- Right, sir.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- Off you go.- Oi.- Can you manage?
0:17:27 > 0:17:35- Let's hope he turns out to be a good tracker.- Yes.- Might be quite an asset to the platoon.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40- Now you're the Nazi paratrooper. - Right, sir.- Just a minute.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45What do you think he should be? A Nazi leader, spy or saboteur?
0:17:45 > 0:17:50A saboteur. A Nazi leader coming to give himself up wouldn't run away.
0:17:50 > 0:17:55- Very good thinking. Now you'd better be...- Yes, sir.
0:17:55 > 0:18:02You're a saboteur, dropped by parachute, here to blow up a key position. Take off your blouse.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07- What for, sir?- So that you can lay a trail for the scent for the dog.
0:18:07 > 0:18:13- I see, sir. I'm pretending to be a saboteur, am I now, sir?- Yes.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- I've got to do it now, sir?- Yes.
0:18:16 > 0:18:23So this is Walmington-on-Sea. I think I'll blow up a key position. I think I'll blow up the bank.
0:18:23 > 0:18:30- I'd, er...make that the Town Hall. - Yes. I'll make that the Town Hall.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Better nick off before I'm spotted.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49There, sir. I've made the smell.
0:18:49 > 0:18:55- "I've laid a scent."- Oh, that's nice of you. Thank you very much.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Right, here we go then.
0:19:04 > 0:19:09Right, there's the parachute. See if the dog can take the scent up.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- That's it.- Off you go.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Other way. Other way.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37He's going up the tower steps.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43- He's got the scent all right. - Seems to have done, sir.
0:19:49 > 0:19:56- Mavis, don't startle me like that. - I didn't mean to startle you. How much longer will you be?
0:19:56 > 0:20:01- (Remember it's our tete-a-tete supper tonight.)- Potato supper?
0:20:01 > 0:20:07Tete-a-tete supper. Tonight is the anniversary of when we first met.
0:20:07 > 0:20:14- We have a tete-a-tete supper every year. I don't want it ruined by him being late.- Mavis, please.
0:20:14 > 0:20:21Mrs Pike, I cannot have your domestic affairs interfering with the running of my platoon.
0:20:21 > 0:20:26- I've blown up the Town Hall, sir. - Well done.
0:20:29 > 0:20:35Here, Mr Mainwaring, I've just remembered. I sold the last pair to Mrs Pike.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38It was a British parachute. Look!
0:20:38 > 0:20:43I do think you might have told us, Wilson.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Blimey!
0:21:03 > 0:21:08GERMAN ACCENT: Excuse, please. Not now, mate.
0:21:08 > 0:21:14Where is Downsend Woods? Where? Downsend Woods. It's marked here.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Oh, it's about a mile over there. Thank you.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Ruddy thing!
0:21:31 > 0:21:35- Wilson, look!- Good heavens!
0:21:37 > 0:21:41All right, men. Follow me. At the double.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50Here, Godfrey, cop hold of that. Come on, boy. Come on. There we go.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55Caught him red-handed. Right, keep him covered, men.
0:21:55 > 0:22:00Out you come with your hands up. Still got plenty of fight in him.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Grab him!
0:22:03 > 0:22:08- Let's see what we've caught. Jones, get out your bayonet.- Yes, sir.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13- Slit it open. - I'll slit him open all right.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23You! You ruddy hooligans!
0:22:23 > 0:22:28- Mr Mainwaring, look what the dog's doing.- He's picking up the scent.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33He's got it! Come on, men!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Oi, come back!
0:23:03 > 0:23:08Right, we've got him. Jones, tell him to come out with his hands up.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12Oi, come ze out with Hande hoch!
0:23:18 > 0:23:22He's not German. He's Chinese.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29- Are you looking for a man with a German accent?- Of course I am!
0:23:29 > 0:23:34- One came up when I was getting that parachute down.- It's his, you fool !
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- He asked me the way to Downsend Woods.- Come on!
0:23:45 > 0:23:49- Hand me the glasses, Wilson. - Right, sir.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- Can any of you see anything? - That's Downsend Woods.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Look, sir. There's somebody up that tree.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02That's him all right!
0:24:29 > 0:24:35- I think all these trees are confusing him, sir. - There he goes. Come on.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41DOG BARKS
0:24:54 > 0:24:57DOG BARKS
0:25:14 > 0:25:19Look, he must have been a saboteur. He's blown the building up.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23It was bombed in an air-raid last year.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28- That's why we didn't hear the bang. - Oh, don't be ridiculous. Come on.
0:25:31 > 0:25:38- He's gone inside, sir. - Right, house drill, men. Get rid of the dog.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40I'll wait round the corner.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Right, Walker.
0:25:49 > 0:25:54- Right, the game's up. - You're not going to get it.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58I've waited years. I've schemed and I've planned.
0:25:58 > 0:26:03He's got a bomb! Oh, blimey!
0:26:03 > 0:26:06No, not to me!
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Don't panic! Don't panic!
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Agghh! This is not a bomb!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15It's too light. It's an egg!
0:26:15 > 0:26:19- It's mine! - Aren't you a German saboteur?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22No, I'm a Viennese ornithologist.
0:26:22 > 0:26:30- Birdwatcher.- I read that a golden oriole had been spotted in these woods. It's a very rare bird.
0:26:30 > 0:26:37All my life, I've wanted one of the eggs. You should have come to me.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Why did you run away like that?
0:26:39 > 0:26:44It's against the law to take the eggs.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47You might've been shot out of hand.
0:26:47 > 0:26:52Hence the expression a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
0:26:52 > 0:26:57GERMAN ACCENT: Why do you keep running away?
0:26:57 > 0:27:00I've been trying to give myself up!
0:27:52 > 0:27:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd