0:00:03 > 0:00:11# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, If you think we're on the run?
0:00:11 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game,
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# We are the boys who will make you think again,
0:00:22 > 0:00:31# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun,
0:00:41 > 0:00:51# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, If you think old England's done? #
0:00:51 > 0:00:59- Are the men ready for my fieldcraft lecture, Wilson?- Oh, yes.- March them over to the recreation ground.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04- The Town Clerk gave his permission? - If we keep away from the swings.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09He'll change his tune if the Nazis pound over his bowling-greens!
0:01:09 > 0:01:18Yes. Jones and Pike are waiting for you to inspect their rifles and Frazer has his Lewis gun.
0:01:18 > 0:01:25- Yes, right. Wheel them in. - Would you kindly step this way? - Oh, Wilson! Bark it out!
0:01:25 > 0:01:29WOULD YOU KINDLY STEP THIS WAY ?
0:01:29 > 0:01:34Left, right, left, right... Halt!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Right turn!
0:01:36 > 0:01:41- Corporal, Corporal... - About turn!
0:01:43 > 0:01:50- Right, Pike. Let's have a look. - I've polished most of the marks off. - That's much better.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53This is a precision instrument.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Never again let your mother clean it with a bath brick.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I promise.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- Corporal?- Sir.
0:02:12 > 0:02:20- I'm surprised yours was in this state.- Sorry, sir. I cleaned it with mutton cloth.
0:02:20 > 0:02:29- I think some mutton got on it, sir. - That's no excuse for the sausage skin stuck in the magazine! There.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34- I shan't take it in the shop no more, sir.- Very wise.
0:02:38 > 0:02:44- Frazer.- Thank goodness I've no' to clean that again for 3 weeks!
0:02:44 > 0:02:49That is not the right attitude. It's a privilege to clean it.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53If it was a privilege, YOU'd do it!
0:02:53 > 0:02:56That'll do, that'll do.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59The butterfly spring is missing!
0:02:59 > 0:03:04- Eh?- Where is it? - Oh, aye.
0:03:04 > 0:03:12- I must have left it in my workshop.- Your workshop?- Aye. I took the gun home to clean it up.
0:03:12 > 0:03:17Look, Frazer, you had no business to take equipment off the premises.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21It's useless without that spring!
0:03:21 > 0:03:30- If a Nazi came in, you could only hit him!- Permission to speak, sir? That would make his eyes water!
0:03:30 > 0:03:35Yes, well, I'm not taking any chances on that.
0:03:35 > 0:03:44- Sergeant Wilson!- Sir!- March the men to the recreation ground and stop at Frazer's on the way.- How nice!
0:03:44 > 0:03:49- This is my wee den, sir. - Bring the gun in, Jones.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- That's funny.- What's funny?
0:03:52 > 0:03:57- The box is gone!- What box? - The box I put the gun parts in!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Tell me exactly what you did.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05I polished the parts and put them in the box here,
0:04:05 > 0:04:14- and I put the lid on the box, while I sanded this down here. - What sort of box was it here?
0:04:14 > 0:04:22- Just a box, like this one here. - I'm not interested in that one. I want to know about the one here.
0:04:22 > 0:04:27- It looked like...this one here. - Good heavens!
0:04:27 > 0:04:32- What an extraordinary thing to collect!- I make them!
0:04:32 > 0:04:37- I had no idea.- It's a skill I learned when I was a wee boy.
0:04:37 > 0:04:45- You told me you were a fisherman in the Hebrides.- Aye, I was, but it's wild and lonely on Mingulay!
0:04:45 > 0:04:51- You have to do everything for yoursel'.- Even this?- Aye.
0:04:51 > 0:04:58And dentistry. The one tool does gey well for both jobs.
0:04:58 > 0:05:03- The point is, where is it now? - Mr Drury will have taken it!
0:05:03 > 0:05:10Every second that gun is out of action, our homes are in jeopardy!
0:05:13 > 0:05:18I'm so sorry. Mr Drury will be round right away.
0:05:18 > 0:05:27Don't apologise. There's no need for a reservation. We deal with these matters...as they arise.
0:05:27 > 0:05:33- Good evening, Miss Baker. - Good evening. What brings you here?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36I wish to see Mr Drury urgently.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Don't tell me it's poor Mr Jones!
0:05:39 > 0:05:43'Ere! I heard that! I'll tell him.
0:05:43 > 0:05:51- He always was a money-grubbing old cuss! I'll come when I'm called! Not before!- All right, Jones.
0:05:51 > 0:05:58- Sir, do you need me here?- Yes. What's the matter?- Nothing. Why do you ask?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00You're not your usual laughing self.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04The whole situation is bizarre.
0:06:04 > 0:06:12Why? We ask an undertaker if we can see inside a coffin for a spare part for a Lewis gun.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Yes... It could happen to anyone.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19I'm sorry! I can't stop!
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Mr Drury, just a moment! Get him.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Walker! Follow that undertaker!
0:06:25 > 0:06:33- He was in a hurry! - Do you mind that Mr Drury ordered a box from me on Wednesday?
0:06:33 > 0:06:39- Yes.- I'm not satisfied with it. Do you think I could examine it?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42It's gone for Mr Horace Blewitt.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47Old Horace Blewitt? He was in my shop last Wednesday.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51I gave him two books of best end of neck.
0:06:51 > 0:06:57Now he's passed away. Without using this week's rations!
0:06:57 > 0:07:05I would dearly like to pay my last respects, ma'am. Is he in the Chapel of Rest?
0:07:05 > 0:07:11No, he's at home. His brother wanted him to rest on the dining table.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15A beautiful thought!
0:07:15 > 0:07:19We'll not bother you any longer. Come on.
0:07:19 > 0:07:24- Sir...- 21 Marigold Avenue. - On the dining-room table.- What?
0:07:24 > 0:07:29Sir, can you excuse Jonesie and me from the fieldcraft lecture?
0:07:29 > 0:07:34I think we ought to go and pay our last respects, sir.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Yes, all right. You're excused.
0:07:37 > 0:07:44- You keep the brother talking. I'll...- Yes, all right. All right, come on.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Come through here, Mr Jones.
0:07:50 > 0:07:56In my calling, Mr Blewitt, I'm no stranger to sorrow,
0:07:56 > 0:08:03- but if I'd known this box was for my friend, tears would have mingled with the varnish.- You knew him?
0:08:03 > 0:08:12- Oh, intimately.- He was in my shop on Wednesday and I gave him two books of best end of neck.
0:08:12 > 0:08:20Yes, he came in, put the shopping down on the table and unwrapped that very piece of meat.
0:08:20 > 0:08:28- You never know, do you?- No. And do you know the very last words he said?- No.
0:08:28 > 0:08:37He stood where Mr Frazer is, with the meat in his hand and said, "Look at that - all bloody bone!"
0:08:40 > 0:08:42And the next second he was gone!
0:08:42 > 0:08:51- You've got to have a bit of bone, haven't you?- It was ALL bone. There wasn't a scrap of meat!
0:08:51 > 0:08:58- If a sheep had no bones in its neck, its head would wallop about! - You must have some meat!
0:08:58 > 0:09:03- There was plenty of meat there. - Gristle.
0:09:03 > 0:09:10- Plenty of meat an' all !- If there had been meat, poor Horace would still be with us! It was the shock!
0:09:10 > 0:09:14You're as good as saying I done him in!
0:09:14 > 0:09:18No, but it was all bone and gristle.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21You've insulted me! I'm going.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26- Come on, Jock.- Bide a wee. I've a few more respects to pay.
0:09:26 > 0:09:31I'm not going to be insulted like that!
0:09:31 > 0:09:36- You old fool ! Do you no' mind what we came for?- No, I don't!
0:09:36 > 0:09:42- Well, it's too late now.- Mainwaring will have me shot at dawn!
0:09:42 > 0:09:51Captain Rogers? Mainwaring here. I was wondering what the position... Hmm? Mainwaring. Home Guard.
0:09:51 > 0:09:59I was wondering what the position was about Lewis guns... Walmington-on-Sea. Home Guard!
0:09:59 > 0:10:05I was wondering about Lewis gun spares. What have you in stock?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08What all? Oh!
0:10:12 > 0:10:16Rather what we expected, wasn't it?
0:10:16 > 0:10:21No, no, no. It's a routine inquiry, that's all. Thank you.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Not a single nut.
0:10:24 > 0:10:31Perhaps we can get this piece made by some skilled person, sir?
0:10:31 > 0:10:36- Walker, you have a friend who is good at metalwork.- Albert?
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- Yes. Doesn't he make spare parts? - He's on holiday.
0:10:40 > 0:10:46- Until when?- Well, he was caught making a spare part for a safe!
0:10:46 > 0:10:53Sir, Mr Frazer apologises for having mislaid a valuable piece of equipment.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Let it be a lesson to us all.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00For want of a nail, a shoe was lost. For want of that, a horse was lost.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03For want of it, a battle was lost.
0:11:03 > 0:11:11- Hence the expression, "Keep your hair on."- Precisely. We'll find a way round this.
0:11:11 > 0:11:18- I don't see what that's got to do with it. - Come to think of it, neither do I.
0:11:18 > 0:11:26This gun must get back in action. Jones, get your section and I'll outline the plan of campaign.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Okay, sir.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45(You know what part to play?
0:11:45 > 0:11:50(I go to the end of the terrace and if anyone approaches, I signal.
0:11:50 > 0:11:55- (Right. Off you go. - What is the signal?
0:11:55 > 0:12:00- (Make it a cuckoo whistle. - A cuckoo? How do you do that?
0:12:00 > 0:12:07(Cup your hands together and blow through your thumbs. Hold this. I'll show you.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- (Blow through there. - Oh, I see.)
0:12:11 > 0:12:14NO WHISTLE
0:12:15 > 0:12:20Blimey! If you two are cold, I could sell you a pair of gloves!
0:12:20 > 0:12:26- Virgin wool. From the sheep that could run faster...- All right!
0:12:26 > 0:12:31- You better cough.- All right, sir. - Off you go.- Got the torch?
0:12:31 > 0:12:39- Wilson!- Sir?- The torch! - YOU've got the torch! You gave me that little flash.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42But I gave you the torch.
0:12:42 > 0:12:48- Here...- No, don't! Please! It upsets me, that kind of thing. - Go on!
0:12:48 > 0:12:53- Right, go to work. - Let's have a look.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59- Can you do it? - It's an open invitation.
0:12:59 > 0:13:07- I'll hold the light.- Would you look away? I promised the guy who showed me that I wouldn't pass it on.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- Honour among thieves (?) - He was a copper!
0:13:18 > 0:13:26- Well done. You know what to do, Godfrey?- When the light goes on in Mr Blewitt's room, sound the alarm.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31Off you go...at the double. ..Off you go.
0:13:31 > 0:13:37- Now, Pike?- I go to the bottom of the stairs and keep watch there.
0:13:40 > 0:13:46- I saw William Powell do this in "Raffles".- Never mind that!
0:13:47 > 0:13:52- No, it was Errol Flynn! - It was Ronald Colman! Get inside!
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- Lance Corporal Jones...! - Sssh!
0:13:56 > 0:14:01(Lance Corporal Jones and Private Frazer reporting for your flash.)
0:14:01 > 0:14:09- You know what to do? - Yes. I will hold the torch while Private Frazer does the looking.
0:14:09 > 0:14:15Or if necessary, I'll do the lifting while he does the ferreting.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Take the torch and get on with it.
0:14:20 > 0:14:26- I was supposed to go first! - Wake up your ideas!
0:14:26 > 0:14:31- I didn't leave that thing in the coffin!- Shut up, blether!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Go on, get inside there!
0:14:34 > 0:14:38- It's not my fault...- Stop talking!
0:14:39 > 0:14:43< Blast!
0:14:43 > 0:14:48- What is it?- I dropped the torch! - Pick it up!- I have, sir.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52- Gie's it! ..It's bust!- It's bust!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Sssh!
0:14:59 > 0:15:02BREAKING GLASS
0:15:02 > 0:15:05There's candles. Got a match?
0:15:05 > 0:15:10COUGHING Get down! Get down!
0:15:10 > 0:15:14- If you look in my overcoat...- Ssh!
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Excuse me, sir.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22- What is it?- I wasn't signalling. It's just a tickle in the throat.
0:15:22 > 0:15:29- Get back to your post! - I'll blow my nose. It's simpler. - Good idea (!) Go on!
0:15:29 > 0:15:36- Where's your matches? - Here's a lighter. 25 bob.- Scrooge!
0:15:37 > 0:15:42- You nearly pushed my teeth down my throat!- Stop blethering!
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I'll get the candles.
0:15:53 > 0:15:58I don't like this, Mr Frazer. I don't like it at all.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03- It's a wicked, wicked business.- Yes. - But it's got to be done, son.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Ah!
0:16:14 > 0:16:18The Captain will have to know.
0:16:20 > 0:16:27- Captain, bad news!- What?- They've screwed him doon!- Great Scott!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30They've screwed him down, sir!
0:16:30 > 0:16:36- Sir, could you spare me for a few minutes?- No! We need a screwdriver.
0:16:36 > 0:16:41I flogged mine to Godfrey to tighten his rollerskates!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Improvise. Has anyone got a knife?
0:16:44 > 0:16:53- I have a fruit knife. - Hand it over.- It's rather nice, with a mother-of-pearl handle.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58- Hold up the candles.- I am! - Keep them steady, for God's sake!
0:16:58 > 0:17:06- They're taking far too long. We should be away by now.- Sir... The blasted knife broke in half!
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Japanese rubbish!
0:17:09 > 0:17:15- Go and get Pike's scout knife. - The knife's broken!- I know!
0:17:15 > 0:17:19- I'll miss it on picnics.- Back you go.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- AAAAH !- Sssh!
0:17:25 > 0:17:32- Gie us your scout knife. - What do you want it for? - To unscrew the coffin.
0:17:32 > 0:17:38Not with my knife! Frank, don't be difficult.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43- Jonesie, bring the candle here. - You stay there and keep guard.
0:17:43 > 0:17:48It's working, it's working. I've got it.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52Good, good, good.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- Waaah!- Waaah!
0:17:57 > 0:18:04- His light's gone on upstairs! Don't panic!- Come on! Quick!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Blewitt's coming!
0:18:07 > 0:18:13- Come on, men! Quick! - Don't you panic, Mr Mainwaring!
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Don't panic, sir! Wait for me!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Anyone there?
0:18:28 > 0:18:33- Is anyone there? - There's a light on at the back.
0:18:33 > 0:18:38- Good evening.- It's awful. My brother has got a screw loose!
0:18:38 > 0:18:44Oh, dear me. They say there's one in most families. Goodnight.
0:18:51 > 0:18:59- Right, are we all here? Where is Godfrey?- I think he had to run all the way home.
0:18:59 > 0:19:06- I suppose you still didn't manage to retrieve the spring?- Sorry, sir.
0:19:06 > 0:19:13Tonight Goering will turn his deadly weapons on us again and our machine gun is useless!
0:19:13 > 0:19:20They can fly up and down all night, picking us off one by one! We can do nothing to stop it!
0:19:20 > 0:19:25- We're not allowed to fire at them! - That's not the point.- Sorry, sir.
0:19:25 > 0:19:31- He's trying to say he's sorry... - I've got a tongue in my head!
0:19:31 > 0:19:39- Let it be a lesson to all of us. - Yes. For the want of a battle, the horse was nailed!
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Sir, why don't we have another go?
0:19:43 > 0:19:50- AIR RAID SIREN - We can't do that now. It's an air raid. To your posts.
0:19:50 > 0:19:58- Will Mr Frazer be court-martialled? - It's quite a possibility. - What chance have I got?
0:19:58 > 0:20:06- What chance indeed?- Never mind. Mr Mainwaring will look after us. He's our inspiration in time of need.
0:20:06 > 0:20:12Even now I bet there is an ingenious plan forming in his brain.
0:20:21 > 0:20:26- It seems rather desperate, sir. - It may not be necessary.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31- Frazer's at the funeral. He may have the spring.- How will we know?
0:20:31 > 0:20:35He's going to signal. Here they come.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Hand me those glasses.
0:20:50 > 0:20:57No, it's no good. Walker, Pike, put up that notice and don't let anybody in.
0:20:57 > 0:21:02- There must be some law against this, sir.- Keep your eye on me.
0:21:02 > 0:21:10- If they won't go, tell them the bomb is ticking.- Then what? - We wait until dark.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Then it's up to Frazer.
0:21:15 > 0:21:23- 'Ere, Uncle, there is a law against grave robbery. Habeas corpus. - Oh, go on, Frank.
0:22:07 > 0:22:13Well, do what the Captain said and I might well see you tonight.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Working on your sermon, sir?
0:22:24 > 0:22:30- Making notes. Where are you taking that spade?- St Matthew's Church.
0:22:30 > 0:22:38- Have they disposed of the bomb? - I don't know, but I must do something for poor old Mr Blewitt.
0:22:38 > 0:22:44- It can wait.- It might rain, sir. That would be an abomination.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49Even more so if you are blown all over the yard!
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Don't you worry, sir. I'll be all right.
0:22:53 > 0:23:00- Go if you must. You're a braver man than I am. - There's all sorts of courage.
0:23:00 > 0:23:06I don't know how you have the nerve to give those sermons every Sunday!
0:23:06 > 0:23:11- I'm not going down there! - I'm sorry to hear that, son.
0:23:11 > 0:23:19- You're young and strong. - I'm not strong. I've got no muscles at all !
0:23:19 > 0:23:25Perhaps Mr Walker? Yeah, Joe, you have muscles.
0:23:25 > 0:23:31But I have no guts! Jonesie, you'll volunteer, eh?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- To go down there?- Nah!
0:23:34 > 0:23:40He won't do it. He never volunteers unless Mainwaring is watching!
0:23:40 > 0:23:45That's a very hurtful thing to say! I'm not a bit like that!
0:23:45 > 0:23:50- I WILL volunteer for this grisly thing.- And tell Mainwaring after!
0:23:50 > 0:23:55Listen, if it wasn't for my age, I'd punch your head in.
0:23:55 > 0:24:01As it is, take formal notice - I will not honour your meat coupons!
0:24:01 > 0:24:06Don't stand here arguing. Down you get, Jonesie.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Steady. All right, all right.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Hold on. Don't...!
0:24:13 > 0:24:18- Are you all right? - What do YOU care?
0:24:18 > 0:24:26- I take it back. You're doing this for me. I'd no call to insult you. - All right. I accept your apology.
0:24:26 > 0:24:32Here's a shovel. Someone's approaching.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Get him out!
0:24:35 > 0:24:39- Too late!- Let him go!
0:24:39 > 0:24:46Jonesie, you stay down there and we'll hide behind the gravestones until he's gone.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Aaah! AAAAAAH !
0:25:31 > 0:25:35My men wouldn't do such childish pranks!
0:25:35 > 0:25:41I speak as their Commanding Officer and a student of human nature.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I recognised them running off!
0:25:44 > 0:25:49The big, rude Scots one, the Mummy's boy, Grandad and the clever dick!
0:25:49 > 0:25:55- They were in the hall doing weapon maintenance.- Okay. Send for them!
0:25:58 > 0:26:01All right!
0:26:04 > 0:26:13- Godfrey! Pike! Frazer! Who was the other one?- The clever dick one! - And Walker! Come in here.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22- Satisfied?- Why are they out of breath?
0:26:22 > 0:26:26- We were doing P.T.- Press-ups.
0:26:26 > 0:26:31HE's been doing press-ups (?) Only little, tiny, weenie ones.
0:26:31 > 0:26:39This is very fishy to me. And there was another one! Yes - down below!
0:26:39 > 0:26:44Oh! I've had an unearthly experience!
0:26:44 > 0:26:49- What did I say?- You're late, Jones. Where have you been?
0:26:49 > 0:26:54- I...I've been digging for victory, sir.- There you are.
0:26:54 > 0:27:01Who digs at night? I do! The vicar must be informed!
0:27:01 > 0:27:06I wouldn't be surprised if you get embroiled with the bishop!
0:27:07 > 0:27:11I hope you are all satisfied (!)
0:27:11 > 0:27:15I felt all along it would end like this.
0:27:15 > 0:27:23- Frazer.- Aye.- I explained to you what you were undertaking when you went into this venture.
0:27:23 > 0:27:32Now you are caught, you must take the consequences. Grave-robbing is a very serious matter.
0:27:32 > 0:27:37- No more serious than house-breaking. - Never mind that.
0:27:37 > 0:27:43You realise I must report this to GHQ and you'll be in trouble?
0:27:43 > 0:27:49- Don't look so miserable. Have a fag, mate.- Thanks, Joe.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53- I said it would happen. - Oh, do be quiet!
0:27:53 > 0:27:58- Anyone got a light? - I have. Here...
0:27:58 > 0:28:06Captain Mainwaring here. Can I speak to Captain Rogers? Mainwaring! Walmington Home Guard!
0:28:06 > 0:28:13- Look!- Blimey! The butterfly spring! - It must have been in my pocket the whole time.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Frazer, that's very careless!
0:28:16 > 0:28:21Captain Rogers, I have something serious to report. One of...
0:28:21 > 0:28:24One...
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Deal with that, Wilson.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32What? I don't quite understand.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Have you an account with us, sir?
0:29:15 > 0:29:21Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd