0:00:03 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you're kidding, Mr Hitler?
0:00:07 > 0:00:12# If you think we're on the run
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game,
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# We are the boys who will make you think again.
0:00:22 > 0:00:27# 'Cos who do you think you're kidding, Mr Hitler?
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# If you think old England's done.
0:00:32 > 0:00:37# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
0:00:37 > 0:00:42# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun.
0:00:42 > 0:00:47# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?
0:00:47 > 0:00:52# If you think old England's do-one! #
0:01:03 > 0:01:09SCREECH OF BRAKES Blimey, not again!
0:01:09 > 0:01:15- What time are we due at the camp? - 1600 hours, sir.- What?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19- Four o'clock. - Oh, yes, four o'clock.
0:01:19 > 0:01:24Four hours to do an hour's journey! I'm starving, as well.
0:01:24 > 0:01:31- I hope we get there soon.- Why? - 'Cos it's awfully awkward, this not being a corridor train...
0:01:31 > 0:01:39- It's very, very difficult indeed. - You'll have to control yourself. There's a war on. Active service.
0:01:39 > 0:01:46- I've got an idea, Mr Godfrey. Why don't you recite a poem to take your mind off it?- All right.
0:01:46 > 0:01:52"The owl and the pussycat went to sea In a beautiful...
0:01:52 > 0:01:58- "..pea-green boat. They took some... - Honey and plenty of money.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01"Wrapped up in a five-pound note..."
0:02:01 > 0:02:08- SCREECHING "The owl looked up to..." - Oh, get up!
0:02:08 > 0:02:14Now that we've stopped, perhaps Godfrey could nip outside.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Good idea. Nip outside, Godfrey.
0:02:18 > 0:02:23- It's an awful long way down. - Oh, get on with it!
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Come on, Mr Godfrey.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32Could anyone please shut the door?
0:02:32 > 0:02:36It's all right, Godfrey. Now make haste.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42Yes... Spring would appear to be a little late this year.
0:02:42 > 0:02:48- What?!- I'm just trying to be a little bit nonchalant, sir.- Why?
0:02:48 > 0:02:54- I don't want to put Godfrey off. - Rubbish! We're on active service. Godfrey can rough it.
0:02:54 > 0:03:00- WHISTLE - Get him in!
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Come on! Come on!
0:03:04 > 0:03:08- That's it. - Well done, Godfrey.
0:03:08 > 0:03:15- Sit down...- You're all right. Careful, you're kicking me.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19- You all right, Mr Godfrey? - No, I'm afraid not.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24"The owl and the pussycat went to sea...
0:03:24 > 0:03:28"in a beautiful pea-green boat. They took some money..."
0:03:35 > 0:03:42- Corporal!- Yes, sir? - Fall the men in.- Right, sir. Right, get ready, you blokes.
0:03:42 > 0:03:48- This place looks deserted. - This is where the guard told us to get off.
0:03:48 > 0:03:53- How do we know he was the guard? - He was wearing railway uniform.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57That could be a trap. We must always be on our guard.
0:03:57 > 0:04:02- Yes, but he got back on the train, sir.- Are you trying to be funny?
0:04:02 > 0:04:08No, sir. Obviously, you're on edge. You haven't had any lunch, sir.
0:04:08 > 0:04:14Let's see... "Sealed instructions for opening the sealed orders."
0:04:19 > 0:04:24"Break seal on the sealed orders and destroy these instructions."
0:04:24 > 0:04:29- Well, shan't be long now... - Have you got a map, sir?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Thank you.
0:04:36 > 0:04:41Ah, yes, just as I thought. Perfectly straightforward.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- We're here... at X railway halt.- Mm.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Map reference...
0:04:49 > 0:04:53- There's that hill.- Oh, yes.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57And here's the battleschool map reference...
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- It's only a mile away. We'll be there by tea-time.- Thank goodness.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08- Platoon ready to march off, sir. - Thank you, Corporal.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13- Where's Godfrey? - He's...he won't be a minute, sir.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16He'll just have to catch us up.
0:05:16 > 0:05:22Pay attention, men. As I know the way, I shall be well in front.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Sergeant Wilson, you bring up the the rear. Attention!
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Slope...arms!
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Right turn!
0:05:33 > 0:05:38By the left, quick march!
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Right wheel, forward!
0:06:01 > 0:06:05WHISTLE POPULAR WAR SONG
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Mark time.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Right wheel, forward!
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Mark time.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Left wheel, forward!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Mark time.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Left wheel, forward!
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Halt!
0:07:18 > 0:07:25- I thought you said we'd be there by tea-time.- There's no need for sarcasm. I took the wrong turning.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Atten-shun! About turn!
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Quick...march!
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Left, left...
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Right wheel, forward!
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Aaaaahhh! Put me down!
0:08:09 > 0:08:14SHOTS Blimey, it's the enemy!
0:08:17 > 0:08:22Don't panic, don't panic. Where are they? I'll get 'em.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Where are they? Don't panic!
0:08:25 > 0:08:30- Where is he? Where's Captain Mainwaring?- Look!
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Aye, here's another one, boys. It's empty.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Cor blimey! What a dump!
0:08:48 > 0:08:55Did he say this place was ????? It looks like a prison camp.
0:08:55 > 0:09:00Do the Red Cross send parcels? Look at the time! 11 o'clock!
0:09:00 > 0:09:05Four hours from the station and it's only a mile away!
0:09:05 > 0:09:13- I don't think Captain Mainwaring knew the way.- No. Losing his way, then leading us into an ambush.
0:09:13 > 0:09:18Yon fellow shouldn't be in charge of men!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21He's no' fit! >
0:09:21 > 0:09:28- Well, men, we got here. - Aye, we did.- Better late than never, eh?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Do you think this course includes map-reading this weekend?
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- Walker!- Good evening, Captain. - 'Evening, sir.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41You're too late for a meal. Supper finished 4 hours ago.
0:09:41 > 0:09:47- Fall the men in, Sergeant. - Fall in, men, quick as you can.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52It's all right, relax. We don't go in for formality here.
0:09:52 > 0:09:57As you chaps know, this is a special Home Guard battleschool.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01This is where we introduce you to guerilla warfare.
0:10:01 > 0:10:07The man who's going to be in charge of you is...Captain Rodrigues there.
0:10:07 > 0:10:14He's an expert in guerilla warfare. He fought in Spain in the Civil War, you know.
0:10:14 > 0:10:20It's a dirty business. Has he washed since (?)
0:10:20 > 0:10:26My job is to keep a parental eye, see you don't get knocked about too much.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Thank you very much, sir.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- Some of us aren't young. - Permission to speak, sir.- Yes?
0:10:34 > 0:10:40Don't worry about us senior soldiers. We can take it, sir.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45We're good with the cold steel, sir. They don't like it up 'em.
0:10:45 > 0:10:50- They do not like...- All right, Jones.- Yes...that's the spirit.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55I'll leave you in the capable hands of Captain Rodrigues. Carry on...
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- Platoon, attention!- What?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Oh... Oh, jolly good.
0:11:02 > 0:11:07- Platoon, at ease... - You can cut all that business out.
0:11:07 > 0:11:14We do not do any of that arm-waving round here. All we do is teach you how to kill Nazis.
0:11:14 > 0:11:23- That is all I'm interested in. Is that clear?- Perfectly clear. Is that clear to you, Sergeant?
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- Yes, crystal clear. - Good. Are there any questions?
0:11:27 > 0:11:34- I don't think so. Wilson? - What about food?- Ah, yes. When do we get a meal?
0:11:34 > 0:11:41The canteen is closed 4 hours ago. MUTTERING But I always think of my men.
0:11:41 > 0:11:46- Here, some carrots and onions. - Carrots and onions?!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- You live off the land.- Onions?
0:11:49 > 0:11:57- What is wrong with onions? - I- always eat them. - I'd never have guessed.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Eat them while you can. They're getting scarce.
0:12:01 > 0:12:06- You, old man.- Yes, sir? - See that pile of straw?- Yes, sir.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10- With it you stuff you palliasse. - I beg your pardon?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Put it in your palliasse.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18He's a bit continental, isn't he?
0:12:18 > 0:12:26Right, you have a palliasse to lie on, a blanket to cover you, some carrots and onions to eat...
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- What more could you want? - Absolutely nothing (!)
0:12:30 > 0:12:36You better get some sleep. Here, we start early in the morning.
0:12:36 > 0:12:42I've never seen anything like it! He is a Captain in the British army!
0:12:42 > 0:12:46- He's more like an anarchist. - Thank God, he's on our side.
0:12:46 > 0:12:53Now, men, we've got a strenuous weekend. When I give the command, fall out and fill them with straw.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58- All right?- Aye, aye.- Here... All right, fall out!
0:13:03 > 0:13:10Here, here! What a shambles. Straw to lie on and one blanket. We'll freeze to death!
0:13:10 > 0:13:17I was so looking forward to this, and it turns out rotten!
0:13:17 > 0:13:24- All right, Frank, all right. There's no need to blub.- I'm not. This straw's brought on my hay fever.
0:13:24 > 0:13:29Eating raw carrots and onions will give me indigestion.
0:13:29 > 0:13:35Don't worry, Mr Godfrey, I've got the old bicarb. We'll be all right.
0:13:35 > 0:13:40- I'll dish out these carrots and onions.- Thank you very much.
0:13:40 > 0:13:47I know that we've only got one blanket each so, as usual, we shall have to improvise.
0:13:47 > 0:13:53I know how we can all keep warm. Why don't we all huddle together?
0:13:53 > 0:13:59When the nights were cold out in the Sudan, we did a lot of huddling together.
0:13:59 > 0:14:05I'm not too sure about that, Jones. Might be bad for discipline.
0:14:05 > 0:14:11- Still, we could stretch a point. - I'm particular who I huddle up with.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16I'm sure we all are. We'll feel better after we've slept.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20- Here, sir, here's your palliasse. - Thank you very much.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Here we are...
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Thank you very much, Godfrey.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08- Uncle Arthur?- Yes?- I've finished my carrot and I'm still hungry.
0:15:08 > 0:15:14You can have the rest of this. I've grown rather tired of it.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18- Uncle Arthur... - Oh, what is it, Frank?
0:15:18 > 0:15:24- I'm ever so cold.- What? - Can I cuddle up to you?
0:15:25 > 0:15:30- Frankly, I'd rather you didn't. - I shall tell Mum.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Oh, all right then. ..Not too close, though.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- Mr Mainwaring? - Yes, what is it...?
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Yes, what is it? Oh, it's you, Jones. What is it?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- Permission to whisper, sir? - Yes, what is it?
0:15:48 > 0:15:56- I just wanted you to know I'm sorry everything went higgledy-piggledy for you today.- Thank you, Jones.
0:15:56 > 0:16:03Not your fault, sir. Fortunes of war. You've always been a good officer to us.
0:16:03 > 0:16:12- You've led us through thick and you've led us through thin, sir. - It's a lonely task being in command.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16You have to learn to take the rough with the smooth.
0:16:16 > 0:16:24- I want you to know I still got faith in you.- Thank you, Corporal. - Even if no-one else has.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- Goodnight, sir.- Crawler! >
0:16:51 > 0:16:58EXPLOSION What's happening?! Where's my teeth?
0:16:58 > 0:17:04 Don't panic. Don't panic, anyone. Don't panic.
0:17:04 > 0:17:12Oh, good morning, Captain. My, you gave us all a start... Bit early for that sort of thing.
0:17:12 > 0:17:19It is not early. It is 10 to 9 ! The camp has been up for 2 hours!
0:17:19 > 0:17:23- Gracious! We must have overslept. - You certainly did.
0:17:23 > 0:17:32- I want you ready for training in ten minutes.- What about breakfast? - It's finished. UPROAR
0:17:32 > 0:17:39During the time you are here every platoon is given the chance to capture my headquarters.
0:17:39 > 0:17:46- No-one has been successful. - We'll do it, won't we, Mr Mainwaring?
0:17:46 > 0:17:53This used to be a POW camp. My headquarters is surrounded by two fences - one electrified.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58And it's patrolled by dogs. What sort?
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Alsatians. And they do not get much to eat.
0:18:02 > 0:18:08Don't worry, you've got the bicarb. That's good for hydrophobia, too.
0:18:08 > 0:18:13- Fall in, men. - Jonesy...- Yes?- I'm starving.
0:18:13 > 0:18:18- What can we do?- I'm gonna pop off and find some grub.
0:18:18 > 0:18:26- There's no shops here. - There's a farm next door. They must have food in there. Leave it to me.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Pull your men forward, Capitan!
0:18:32 > 0:18:36All right, men, forward!
0:19:09 > 0:19:15Do not forget to keep your heads down. We are using live ammunition.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Wave the flag when you are ready. >
0:19:18 > 0:19:24- Do you hear that, sir? Live ammunition. - Don't worry, Wilson.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29- I assure you they wouldn't dare. Wave the flag.- Right, sir.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33HAIL OF BULLETS
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Blimey, it ain't half dark in here.
0:19:54 > 0:20:00'Ere, you little blighter, come here. Cor blimey! Come here.
0:20:12 > 0:20:17Hurry up! Get your men across the river, Captain. Hurry!
0:20:17 > 0:20:22- It looks a bit deep to me, sir. - No, it's fine. We can cross here.
0:20:22 > 0:20:28- Do you think that's wise, sir? - I can see the bottom. Forward!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Aaahhhh!
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Are you all right, Mr Mainwaring?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47GRUNTING
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Wanna buy a bacon slicer?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Follow me, men!
0:21:55 > 0:22:00I was just taking it across the road.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Come on, men, follow me.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Come on, Joe. Where d'you think you've been?
0:22:23 > 0:22:28- 'Ere, cop hold of these. - Eggs! Where d'you get them?
0:22:41 > 0:22:46Meat, stew, potatoes, carrots, pudding, jam.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52All right, make it quick. You've only got 15 minutes.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39We haven't got all night. Hurry!
0:23:45 > 0:23:49I've told you before - hygiene!
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Hurry! Move! Move!
0:24:34 > 0:24:40I want soldiers, not boy scouts... Move! Move! Move!
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Follow me, men... Aaargh!
0:25:09 > 0:25:18- Where's Mr Mainwaring got to, sir? - No idea. One minute he was there, then he disappeared into thin air.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23- Right, on your feet, we've got work to do.- Where have you been?
0:25:23 > 0:25:28- What are we going to do? - Capture the camp headquarters.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32It's surrounded by barbed wire!
0:25:32 > 0:25:38- And an electrified fence! - And dogs! We can't do it!
0:25:38 > 0:25:43Leave it to me. After all, I've never let you down yet, have I?
0:26:10 > 0:26:14- Come on, Corporal.- Yes, sir.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21(That's the game. Quickly!)
0:26:21 > 0:26:28'Ere, look at this - corned beef, spam, sugar, tea. It's a treasure house.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32It's the stores. Don't make a noise now.
0:26:32 > 0:26:38What a bunch that platoon from Walmington-On-Sea are! >
0:26:38 > 0:26:43I only hope they don't have to face the Germans! >
0:26:43 > 0:26:48That Captain Mainwaring should go back to managing a bank. >
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Impudence! All right, stand by...
0:26:51 > 0:26:56- Excuse me, sir, should I stay here and protect the rear?- Good idea.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00- Right, ready? - Do you think it's wise, sir?
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Oh, really, Wilson! Right, NOW.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08- Right, hands UP ! - Hands up now!
0:27:12 > 0:27:18# We'll meet again, Don't know where, don't know when
0:27:18 > 0:27:24# But I know we'll meet again some su-u-unny day!
0:27:24 > 0:27:27# Some su-u-unny day! #
0:27:27 > 0:27:32- An excellent weekend, don't you think, Wilson?- I do, indeed, sir.
0:27:32 > 0:27:39- I'll never forget the look on that Spanish chap's face. - Amateur soldiers, huh?
0:27:39 > 0:27:47I want to congratulate you, Captain Mainwaring. I never doubted you for a single minute.
0:27:49 > 0:27:54I've said it once and I say it again. You're our inspiration, sir!
0:27:54 > 0:28:02Do you think that Major Smith is going to recommend us to GHQ for being...being so good?
0:28:02 > 0:28:08Yes, although personally I would rather see a more tangible reward.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12- What's "tangible" mean, Jonesy? - You can get hold of it.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Right, get hold of this...
0:28:15 > 0:28:21- Where d'you get all that stuff from?- I was protecting the rear, wasn't I?
0:28:21 > 0:28:25Hang on, hang on... Two bob a time, eh?
0:29:14 > 0:29:20Subtitles by Eithne Thomson BBC Scotland, 1992