0:00:04 > 0:00:11# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, If you think we're on the run?
0:00:11 > 0:00:16# We are the boys who will stop your little game,
0:00:16 > 0:00:21# We are the boys who will make you think again,
0:00:21 > 0:00:30# 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun,
0:00:41 > 0:00:50# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, If you think old England's done? #
0:00:53 > 0:01:00# Britain is in danger And the enemy has sworn to take our land,
0:01:00 > 0:01:05# But when Britons know their country is in danger... #
0:01:05 > 0:01:09- Sgt Wilson!- Sir!- Fall the men in!
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Platoon, fall in!
0:01:20 > 0:01:24- Atten-shun!- Very sloppy, indeed.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- Get knotted!- Take that man's name.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29All right, sir.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- Sgt Wilson.- Sir.- Fall the men in.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40All right, sir. Platoon, fall in!
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Right, platoon. Atten-shun!
0:01:53 > 0:01:58- Very sloppy, indeed.- Get knotted! - Take that man's name!- All right.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08- Sgt Wilson.- Sir.- Fall the men in.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Right. Platoon, fall in.
0:02:17 > 0:02:22- Atten-shun!- Very sloppy, indeed. - Get knotted!
0:02:22 > 0:02:28- Take that man's name.- Right, sir. William Potter, died 1910, sir.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34- Sgt Wilson.- Sir.- Fall the men in.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Right, sir. Platoon, fall in!
0:02:43 > 0:02:47A first-class exercise in camouflage.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Today's lecture is on communication.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56In an invasion, enemy paratroopers will try to capture these points.
0:02:56 > 0:03:06The gasometer here, the railway bridge, the telephone exchange and the water reservoir there.
0:03:06 > 0:03:14Without those, the town would be crippled - no gas, no trains, no telephones and no water.
0:03:14 > 0:03:23- Now, very few of us can survive for long without water to drink. - I've managed it for years!
0:03:25 > 0:03:31In short, these are all vital, so the object of our exercise is...
0:03:31 > 0:03:37To prevent the enemy taking control of our vital parts!
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Yes...I suppose you could put it that way.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46We shall station two men at each of these strategic points.
0:03:46 > 0:03:53In the event of an attack, one man phones me here at the Church Hall.
0:03:53 > 0:04:00If one man is phoning you, what happens to the man who is left behind?
0:04:00 > 0:04:07- He'll be rushing the other way!- Walker, Walker, this is not a matter for levity.
0:04:07 > 0:04:12The other man will pin the enemy down with constant, withering fire.
0:04:12 > 0:04:19That might be difficult, sir. We've only got 5 rounds each.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23We'll have to make each shot tell, won't we?
0:04:23 > 0:04:28I have pinpointed the nearest telephone box to each point.
0:04:28 > 0:04:36100 yards from the railway bridge, 50 yards from the gasometer and one at the reservoir gates.
0:04:36 > 0:04:44Our problem is the telephone exchange. The nearest one to that is over half a mile away.
0:04:44 > 0:04:51- Inevitably, there will be a delay. - Maybe we could use a telephone in the exchange.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56- What?- It would save time. - Well done, Wilson (!)
0:04:56 > 0:05:02When I get the call, I will come with a swift, mobile attacking unit.
0:05:02 > 0:05:07See that your bicycles are in good working order.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11What happens if the phone box is out of action?
0:05:11 > 0:05:16We'll just have to improvise. Anyone got any suggestions?
0:05:16 > 0:05:22- Yes, sir!- Wilson, write this down. - Yes.- Permission to speak, sir?- Yes.
0:05:22 > 0:05:28Why not climb the gasometer and heliograph down to the Church Hall?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31That's a long way to heliograph!
0:05:31 > 0:05:39- I don't quite follow you, Jones. - You get the rays of the sun on a mirror. We did it in India.
0:05:39 > 0:05:47- We were fighting the Pathans. They had knives and they'd stick... - Yes, yes, all right. Thank you.
0:05:47 > 0:05:53- We could heliograph.- You can't see the gasometer from the Church Hall.
0:05:53 > 0:06:00- Couldn't one of us be on top of the church tower? - Good. That's very good. Make a note.
0:06:00 > 0:06:08There is one snag. All these points are facing in different directions. You might be looking the wrong way.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13- You might be walking around. - Yes...
0:06:13 > 0:06:20- What have we got so far? - Jones is on top of the gasworks flashing his...heliograph.
0:06:20 > 0:06:26There's a man on top of the tower just...walking around!
0:06:26 > 0:06:35- I'm not too happy about Jones' heliograph. It might be raining. - What about tick-tack?- Tick-tack?
0:06:35 > 0:06:42Like at the racecourse when they signal the odds. All you need is white gloves.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47I have a rather nice pair of white evening gloves I could let you have.
0:06:47 > 0:06:52I used to wear them at the Civil Service Stores staff party.
0:06:52 > 0:06:59People don't bother now, but a gentleman is never properly dressed without his gloves.
0:07:03 > 0:07:13- Shoot a hole in the gasometer and set it on fire. It'd show for miles! - You're into the realms of fantasy.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15That's nice, innit (?)
0:07:15 > 0:07:18All right, Jones. Just...
0:07:18 > 0:07:23To signal from the bridge, tap the railway line.
0:07:23 > 0:07:28You'll hear it for furlongs if your ear is on the line.
0:07:28 > 0:07:34But a train may hit you! You'd hear it coming!
0:07:34 > 0:07:38- ARGUMENT BREAKS OUT - Settle down now.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41At least it's a lively discussion.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Just assume the phones are working.
0:07:44 > 0:07:51Sir, I can't use public phones. Mum says they're unhygienic. You can catch things.
0:07:51 > 0:07:56- Hold it away from your face. - I tried that once. I couldn't hear.
0:07:56 > 0:08:04- How do you make calls?- Uncle Arthur lets me use the one at the bank. - Really?- Frank!
0:08:04 > 0:08:11- Not often. Only when I phone my auntie in Scotland. - I'll speak to you later, Wilson.
0:08:11 > 0:08:19I'm no good with them, either. I always get so muddled up. I'm quite hopeless at machines.
0:08:19 > 0:08:25Yes...(!) Well, I'll have to show you how to use a telephone box.
0:08:25 > 0:08:31- Come on!- It's for the benefit of those who don't know. Pay attention.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35You can get mastiffs in your ear!
0:08:35 > 0:08:39I think we'd better do it by numbers.
0:08:39 > 0:08:44On the command, one, you pick up the receiver.
0:08:44 > 0:08:52- On two, put the coins in the box. Ching, ching.- Ching, ching... What's this ching, ching thing?
0:08:52 > 0:08:57The coins dropping into the box! Don't be put off by this noise.
0:08:57 > 0:09:03The operator will say, "Number, please?" and you give this number.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08- Warmington-on-Sea... - 333.- Yes, I know the number!
0:09:08 > 0:09:15Then the operator will say, "I'm connecting you" and when I answer, press button A. Clear?
0:09:15 > 0:09:23- Right, let's have a go. You be the operator, Wilson.- Right. - One...
0:09:23 > 0:09:28- Pick up. Two... - ALL: Ching, ching, ching, ching.
0:09:28 > 0:09:33- Come on, Wilson!- What? - Number, please?- Oh, number, please?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36ALL: Warmington-on-Sea 333.
0:09:36 > 0:09:43- Get on with it, Wilson! - What?- I'm connecting you! - Sorry. I'm connecting you.
0:09:43 > 0:09:50You can't put tuppence in until the operator says so. You put the pennies in first!
0:09:50 > 0:09:54- ARGUMENT ENSUES - Quiet!
0:09:54 > 0:10:03We'll do it under combat conditions. We'll assemble at the telephone box outside the gates of the reservoir.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Fall the men in.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Fall out and get your equipment.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14# It's grand to know the thumbs are up in England,
0:10:14 > 0:10:20# The sign that shows that everything's okay... #
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Platoon, halt!
0:10:26 > 0:10:31Sgt Wilson, Corporal Jones, come with me at once.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40How dare you swim in there! Do you realise we drink that water?
0:10:40 > 0:10:45We're not doing any harm. Why can't we swim in it?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Clear off at once.
0:10:48 > 0:10:56Do what the soldiers say. Soldiers(?) Jones the butcher and frosty-face from the bank!
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Clear off! Platoon, fall out.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Take this boy's name, Sergeant.
0:11:09 > 0:11:14Left, right, left... Mark time in front. Platoon, halt!
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Left turn.
0:11:18 > 0:11:23Now, we're going into the telephone box two at a time.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Er, Pike and Godfrey first.
0:11:27 > 0:11:33- Corporal.- Sir.- Form the rest of the men up in a queue.- Right, sir.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38- Come along, Pike and Godfrey. - Form a queue outside!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Right, you go in first, Pike.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Now...
0:11:48 > 0:11:55Take the receiver in your left... Pike, I can't talk to your back, boy. Turn round.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00- I'm sorry, sir. I can't. - We'll go out and start again.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Right, Godfrey, you go first.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Right.
0:12:16 > 0:12:22Now, take the receiver in the left hand... Godfrey!
0:12:22 > 0:12:27Godfrey, will you take your arm from my throat?
0:12:27 > 0:12:32- It's the way I came in. - Well, go out and start again!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Now...
0:12:47 > 0:12:54Take the receiver in the left... Look, it's no use. I'll have to take you one at a time.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Go out, Godfrey.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Now then, Pike, where...?
0:13:09 > 0:13:16Right, now, take these two pennies, lift the receiver with your left hand...
0:13:16 > 0:13:21Get it up to your ear, boy! It won't harm you.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Clear off!
0:13:27 > 0:13:34Now, I want you to phone me at the Church Hall. There will be no answer, because I'm not there.
0:13:34 > 0:13:39So you can press button B and get your money back. Ready?
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Just a moment.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47- Wilson?- Yes, sir? - Tell that boy to go away.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55If you have to do that, would you do it somewhere else?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Put the pennies in.
0:14:00 > 0:14:05Oh, just like you said, sir. It went ching, ching!
0:14:08 > 0:14:16- 'Number, please?' Warmington-on-Sea...? I've forgotten it!- You stupid boy!
0:14:16 > 0:14:21It's Warmington-on-Sea... Just a moment.
0:14:21 > 0:14:26- Wilson! Wilson!- Yes? - Just checking on the number.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- Oh, yes? 333, sir.- Quite correct!
0:14:30 > 0:14:37Warmington-on-Sea 333, please. 'I'm trying to connect you.' Thank you.
0:14:37 > 0:14:42Now, just let it ring for a bit, then press button B.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47- CLUNK - Why did you press button A ?
0:14:47 > 0:14:51- Well, somebody answered.- What?
0:14:51 > 0:14:57- Hello, Mum!- Where are you, Frank? - In a phone box at the waterworks.
0:14:57 > 0:15:02- I told you never to use them! - Mr Mainwaring made me!
0:15:02 > 0:15:07- I'll have a few words to say to him. - He's here now.- Put him on.
0:15:07 > 0:15:12- My mum wants to speak to you, sir. - Really?
0:15:13 > 0:15:20- What are you doing in my office? - I brought Frank's clean scarf down and I heard the phone ring.
0:15:20 > 0:15:27- But...- Why is he using a public telephone? He's never...
0:15:27 > 0:15:32Wilson! Come and sort this out. It's Mrs Pike on the telephone.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36- Come on, boy! - Frank, come along.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- Right.- Hello?
0:15:39 > 0:15:48- Hello, Mavis?- Oh, it's you, Arthur. I thought you'd have known better. - It's not my fault...- It is!
0:15:48 > 0:15:54- You mollycoddle him far too much. - Hear, hear!- Capt Mainwaring agrees.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- You're being rather silly. - Silly, am I?
0:15:58 > 0:16:03- Am I only here to administer to your little comforts?- Mavis...
0:16:03 > 0:16:08- You think I'll come running. - I've never asked you to run, Mavis.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16You take me for granted, Arthur. I won't stand for it any longer!
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Please... She's hung up. What will I do?
0:16:20 > 0:16:26I don't know! I can't sort your domestic squabbles out!
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Will the next one kindly come in?
0:16:31 > 0:16:39Of all the absurd ideas! Showing us how to use a telephone box (!)
0:16:39 > 0:16:44It's a good job we didn't have any telephones in the Sudan.
0:16:44 > 0:16:49The fuzzy-wuzzies would have come and cut it off!
0:16:49 > 0:16:57If it wasn't for that stupid boy, Pike, and that old fool, Godfrey, we wouldn't be stuck here!
0:16:58 > 0:17:04- Eh?- What are you queuing up for? - We're waiting to make phone calls!
0:17:04 > 0:17:08- What did he say? - They're queuing for phone calls.
0:17:08 > 0:17:14- What are they waiting for? - Phone calls!
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Taffy, you take my place.
0:17:17 > 0:17:25- Why are you queuing for phone calls?- Haven't you heard? They're going on ration tomorrow.
0:17:25 > 0:17:32- Hear that? They're going to ration phone calls. - They're going to ration phone calls!
0:17:32 > 0:17:39- Tomorrow!- Make as many as you can. After today, you'll only get one a month.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43We'll only be allowed one a month!
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Good job we joined the queue!
0:17:47 > 0:17:54- Quite.- I'll stand guard outside and you make as many as you like. A tanner a time.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59- That's ever so kind of you. - I'll take the bookings now.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- Here's half a crown. I'll have five. - I'll have ten.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10I'll have twenty. I'm not surprised!
0:18:10 > 0:18:16- I'll have some more. - I'll have another three.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24PLANES FLYING OVERHEAD
0:18:29 > 0:18:34What's the matter? It's your turn on watch.
0:18:34 > 0:18:41There'll be a heavy raid on London tonight. Listen to all those planes.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Let's hope a few less of them come back!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48CRASH !
0:18:51 > 0:18:57Joe! Look! There's one come down in the reservoir!
0:18:57 > 0:19:05One of us has to phone the Captain and the other must keep up a constant, withering fire.
0:19:05 > 0:19:12Take my five rounds. Have you got change for the phone? Never mind. I'll reverse the charges!
0:19:20 > 0:19:27- 'Evening, sir.- Well done, Fraser. What's happened?- Nothing, sir. I'm keeping it under observation.
0:19:27 > 0:19:33- It's a Dornier.- You sure? - You can tell by the outline.
0:19:33 > 0:19:41- Right, Wilson. We all know you came top in aircraft recognition. - I was top! He was second.
0:19:41 > 0:19:46- All right. Where's Walker? - He went to phone you.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51- That was half an hour ago. - I expect he's run off.
0:19:51 > 0:19:59That's cowardice. You'll have to tie him to the wheel of a gun carriage!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02We don't have a gun carriage!
0:20:02 > 0:20:08- We'll have to improvise! - Quiet! Why hasn't the plane sunk?
0:20:08 > 0:20:13The reservoir is half-empty. The plane is sitting on the bottom.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18- When the reservoir is full, it's 16 feet.- Wilson...
0:20:18 > 0:20:23I'm not interested in details of the waterworks.
0:20:23 > 0:20:28- Excuse me, sir.- Yes?- Do you think I might...?- Oh, yes, go on.
0:20:34 > 0:20:40No sign of anybody in the plane. Perhaps they parachuted out.
0:20:40 > 0:20:45Permission to speak, sir. Why don't you call them to surrender?
0:20:45 > 0:20:52If they do not answer, you will be cognisant of the fact that they are not there.
0:20:56 > 0:21:04- What's the German for surrender? - I don't know, sir. If they want your hands up, they shout, "Handy hock!"
0:21:04 > 0:21:09Yes. You've told us that before. It's worth a go, I suppose.
0:21:12 > 0:21:18- Handy hock! Handy hock! - HIS VOICE ECHOES
0:21:18 > 0:21:27- It's too dark. They wouldn't see us. Anybody wearing a white shirt?- Pike. - Take that scarf off.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- I'll catch me death!- Don't argue.
0:21:30 > 0:21:38- My mum'll be furious! And she's not forgiven you, Uncle Arthur.- All right, Frank.
0:21:38 > 0:21:45I want you to wave this, Corporal, and we'll all shout in unison. Right, come on.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49ALL: Handy hock! GUNFIRE
0:21:54 > 0:22:01- Permission to speak, sir?- Yes. - There IS someone on the plane.
0:22:02 > 0:22:08- Let me have a pot at them, sir!- No! - Please, sir!- No! Take them alive.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Bloody cheek!
0:22:11 > 0:22:18- I've never heard you swear before. - I've never felt like this before. Damn foreigners!
0:22:18 > 0:22:23They come over here and then have the cheek to fire at us!
0:22:23 > 0:22:30- Time they were taught a lesson.- Yes. - They're up against us this time. People with guts.- Yes, sir.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35- Jones.- Yes, sir?- Go and phone GHQ for help at once.- Right, sir.
0:22:35 > 0:22:43- Wait, you don't know the number. - It's Warmington-on-Sea 333.- Don't be silly! That's the Church Hall !
0:22:44 > 0:22:53- Here you are - 166.- Right, sir. - Commit that to memory and after you've used the phone, destroy it.
0:22:53 > 0:22:58- Memorise and destroy the phone. - The paper! Destroy the paper!
0:22:58 > 0:23:03- Spread out, men.- Right, sir.- Right. - Keep well down.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Warmington-on-Sea 991.
0:23:25 > 0:23:31He was a Free French pilot? What did you say?
0:23:31 > 0:23:38I said, "Free French maybe, but it's still one and nine to see the film!"
0:23:38 > 0:23:45- Doreen, cash up now. Don't forget to put down all the servicemen who got in half-price.- Yes.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48How many have we got tonight?
0:23:48 > 0:23:552 sailors and 12 soldiers, plus that nice Major that comes in. PHONE RINGS
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Oh, yes. Major Brookes.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Major Brookes? Can you help me?
0:24:02 > 0:24:09- Certainly, sir. Tonight "One Of Our Aircraft Is Missing". - I thought it was one of theirs?
0:24:09 > 0:24:14- It went out five minutes ago. - Well, it's come down now.
0:24:14 > 0:24:23It doesn't come down till 10.30. You can just catch it. Eric Portman and Googie Withers are in it.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28Are they? Why are they shooting at us?
0:24:28 > 0:24:34- They're not still shooting it. It's finished.- It isn't. Listen.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- MORE GUNFIRE - It's one of them!- How about that?
0:24:38 > 0:24:43You put that phone down or I'll send a policeman round!
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Some people!
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Major Brookes? Don't go!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Drat! I've run out of pennies!
0:24:52 > 0:24:58"In case of emergency, lift receiver and press button."
0:24:58 > 0:25:02BUZZER SOUNDS
0:25:06 > 0:25:14Emergency. What service would you like? Fire, police or ambulance?
0:25:14 > 0:25:21An enemy plane has gone down in the reservoir! I want General HQ Headquarters!
0:25:21 > 0:25:26I'm sorry. I can only get you fire, police or ambulance.
0:25:26 > 0:25:31- Is the plane on fire?- No. - You won't want the fire service.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36- What about ambulance? Anybody hurt? - No, nobody hurt. No.
0:25:36 > 0:25:41GUNFIRE Well, they might be now.
0:25:41 > 0:25:46I don't think they'll send an ambulance just on the off-chance.
0:25:46 > 0:25:53- Is it causing an obstruction?- No. - Well, what's it doing, then? - It's shooting at us!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Oh, I'm ever so sorry.
0:25:56 > 0:26:02I wish I could help you, but I only deal with emergencies. Ta-ta.
0:26:02 > 0:26:09No, no, come back. Put that light out! >
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Who's that? Oh, it's you!
0:26:12 > 0:26:17There's planes overhead! They're down here, too!
0:26:17 > 0:26:24What? One crashed in the reservoir! Do something about it!
0:26:24 > 0:26:31Why are you hiding here? Hiding!? I'm trying to get GHQ Area Command!
0:26:31 > 0:26:37Shove over! I'll get it. I'll think of something.
0:26:41 > 0:26:48- Where are they?- They must have been held up.- I don't know how we'll get them to surrender.
0:26:48 > 0:26:55- I'm from GHQ. Lieutenant Hope Bruce, Coldstream Guards. - Captain Mainwaring, Home Guard.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- Sgt Wilson.- How do you do?
0:26:58 > 0:27:03- Are they still shooting? - Yes. They've been at it for an hour.
0:27:03 > 0:27:08Are we in position? Yes, they're surrounded.
0:27:08 > 0:27:17- Get your men back, Mainwaring. This is a job for the Regular Army. - We managed pretty well up to now.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21They haven't surrendered yet!
0:27:21 > 0:27:28- Why haven't they sunk? - The reservoir is half-empty. They're just sitting on the bottom.
0:27:28 > 0:27:33I can see that, Sergeant! I'm not a complete fool !
0:27:33 > 0:27:40We'll just have to lob a few mortar bombs on board. Right, sir.
0:27:40 > 0:27:48- You can't do that!- What?- You'll crack the bottom of the reservoir! - I don't want your opinion.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Sergeant! Cancel the mortar bombs.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55- Hello, Taffy!- Where were you?
0:27:55 > 0:28:03- Seeing the bloke in charge of the reservoir. It cost me five bob, but he's done it.- Done what?
0:28:03 > 0:28:08Opened the sluices. In two hours' time they'll have to swim for it!
0:28:08 > 0:28:13- Or sit on the aerial !- Well done!
0:28:13 > 0:28:18Mainwaring, we're going to sit here and starve them out.
0:28:18 > 0:28:24- Hardly necessary. I expect them to surrender in two hours' time.- Why?
0:28:24 > 0:28:31The fact is, they do not like it up them. They can't stand it, you see.
0:28:31 > 0:28:36I think we can leave the mopping up to the Coldstream Guards!
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Subtitles by BBC - 1992