0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# We are the boys Who will stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# We are the boys Who will make you think again
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# Cos who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:35# Mr Brown goes off to town On the 8.21
0:00:35 > 0:00:40# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun
0:00:40 > 0:00:45# So who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:45 > 0:00:49# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:52 > 0:00:56- MARCHING > - Platoon halt!
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Right turn.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02All right. Fall out for ten minutes.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07- Splendid church parade. The men looked very smart.- Yes.
0:01:07 > 0:01:13But why did we have to march round the town first? The church is next door.
0:01:13 > 0:01:18What's the use of having a church parade if you don't parade?
0:01:18 > 0:01:25- Was it entirely necessary to go round twice?- It was worthwhile. The men marched very well.
0:01:25 > 0:01:30- Pity Godfrey had to fall out. - He caught up second time round.
0:01:31 > 0:01:36- You can't leave it there! > - What's going on out there?
0:01:36 > 0:01:43- No idea.- I'M not signing for it. - What's the matter? - The vicar won't like this.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- He wants me to sign!- What's it say?
0:01:46 > 0:01:51"A note from you, a call from us. No worry or fuss.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55"A Pickford van, a gentle giant - A satisfied client."
0:01:55 > 0:01:58A gentle giant?!
0:01:58 > 0:02:02- That's what it says. - Well, there's a war on.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07Just sign for it. I can't hang about. We've got six more to deliver today.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12- What is it?- It's on the chitty. One thirteen pounder.- What?
0:02:12 > 0:02:18- There's a beautiful firing piece out in the yard! - A dirty great gun.- What?
0:02:18 > 0:02:23- The vicar will be furious. - Just sign, sir.- Yes, all right.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- I say, look at this.- What? Oh, yes.
0:02:26 > 0:02:31- By jove!- It is rather a big one. - We'll blow Hitler to kingdom come.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- I wonder how it works. - Jones, have you any idea?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38We'd nothing like that in the Sudan.
0:02:38 > 0:02:45We had a thing called a gatling gun, invented by an American dentist - a Mr Gatling.
0:02:45 > 0:02:50We used to form a square and have the gatling gun in the middle.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55And when them fuzzy wuzzies come curdling towards you,
0:02:55 > 0:03:00we'd duck down at the last minute, up come the gun - rat-tat-tat-tat!
0:03:00 > 0:03:04You had to duck quick or get the top of your helmet shot off.
0:03:04 > 0:03:09- Hence the expression, "Get your head down."- Yes, all right.
0:03:09 > 0:03:14It's a "thirteen pounder naval gun on special wheel mounting."
0:03:14 > 0:03:19- A naval gun? Frazer was in the navy. - A Chief Petty Officer, I believe.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- Get him.- Sir.- And the rest of the platoon.- Oi, Taffy!
0:03:23 > 0:03:28Bring the platoon out. See what Father Christmas has brought you.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33- There's a sort of telescope thing 'ere.- Those are the sights.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Yes, there are some sights. O-oh!
0:03:36 > 0:03:43There's a haystack plain as your face... Wait a minute, there's a couple of people in it.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Wo-ho-ho! You have a look at this, Sergeant.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52- Wo-ha-haow!- Yes, rather unusual... - Yes, all right. Break it up.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56- Is it ours, Uncle Sergeant? - 'Course it is.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- Does it make a big bang? - Well, it's not a peashooter.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05- Bangs give me a headache. I hate Guy Fawkes night.- Oh.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09- Aye, sir!- Frazer. I expect you've seen one of these before, eh?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Oh, aye... Oh, oh, aye, oh...
0:04:12 > 0:04:18- I have.- To us it's a mysterious machine - to you it'll be an old friend.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23- Tell us how it works, Mr Frazer. - Well, now...
0:04:23 > 0:04:28I'm...I'm no exactly quite familiar with this...particular model.
0:04:28 > 0:04:35- Well, one gun's very like another. Surely the principle's the same. - I dare say it's just the same.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40- Show us how to shoot it, Frazer. - Come on, get cracking.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Ah, well, you see, it's not just as simple as it looks.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Now, let me think... Aye.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49The bullets come out there.
0:04:51 > 0:04:58- So they must go in somewhere back here.- Blimey, don't blind us with science, mate (!)
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- You WERE Chief Petty Officer?- Yes!
0:05:01 > 0:05:08- Perhaps he didn't deal with guns. - That's right. - Well, what DID you deal with?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- All sorts of things, sir.- Such as?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Mostly I was...I was a cook.
0:05:14 > 0:05:19- A cook?- A cook?! We thought you was something important in the navy.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22D'ye no think eating is important?
0:05:22 > 0:05:27- You said you fought at the Battle of Jutland.- I said I was AT Jutland.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Sailors have to eat, even in battle.
0:05:30 > 0:05:36When the shells are flying, it takes a man to stay below and make shepherd's pie.
0:05:36 > 0:05:42You ARE a man for going on boats. I've felt queasy on the Serpentine.
0:05:42 > 0:05:49- It's disappointing, but we'll cope. - I'm sorry if I've let you down. - You've not let us down.
0:05:49 > 0:05:55Tell you what, next time there's an air raid, cook us a plum duff.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I forgot. This book come with it.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03- I think it tells you how to make it go off.- Splendid. Thanks very much.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08Come on, don't hang about. Quick sharp, in the van.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13Here we are. Thirteen pounder QF Mark 5 gun...on Mark 1 mounting.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- Now... It's all here, Wilson.- Good.
0:06:16 > 0:06:23- The gun crew consists of GL, SS, trainer, breech worker and two loaders.- Sir?- Yes.
0:06:23 > 0:06:28I volunteer to be GL, SS, trainer, breech worker and two loaders.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31That's the entire crew!
0:06:31 > 0:06:36- Perhaps they explain it all in a later chapter.- I'll read on.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- Position for close up...- Close up!
0:06:39 > 0:06:44That reminds me of that pantomime we did. We had this comedy drill scene,
0:06:44 > 0:06:48and the sergeant said, "Close up" and we lifted our clothes up!
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I'll bet that was hilarious (!)
0:06:53 > 0:06:58Let's concentrate on the matter in hand, shall we?
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Number 1, the gun layer... Ah, GL, you see - gun layer - GL.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06He sits on the elevating wheel on the left.
0:07:06 > 0:07:12- I volunteer to be gun layer, sir. - As it's a sitting-down job, it might suit me.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17- A very good idea, Godfrey, come on. Get him in.- Mind how you go.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- And the other leg.- Careful with him.
0:07:20 > 0:07:27- Now sit down.- Sit down here. On this seat here. That's it. - Right-o, Godfrey. He's all right.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- Godfrey...- Oh, I-I'm sorry, sir.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35I'd leave him there for the duration.
0:07:35 > 0:07:41Number 2, the breech worker, sits on the right in line with the breech.
0:07:41 > 0:07:47- I'd like to volunteer to sit on the right in line with the breech. - All right.
0:07:47 > 0:07:52- Shall I get on it side-saddle or astride?- Just get on it.- Right.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57- Oi, Jonesey! Hang on. - What's the matter?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Blimey!
0:08:00 > 0:08:07Number 3, the loader, stands to the rear of Number 1, that's Godfrey. Right, Pike - Number 3.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12Number 4, the trainer, sits at the training wheel - Frazer.
0:08:12 > 0:08:18Number 5, the loader, stands in the rear of 3. Walker, stand behind Pike.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21- Will I get a shell?- A practice one.
0:08:21 > 0:08:26- SS at the sights. I wonder what SS stands for.- Well, er...
0:08:26 > 0:08:32- Sights Superintendent, do you think?- Well, that'll be you.- Oh.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Clear?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- It's not very luxurious. - It's not meant to be.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43Now...clear away obstructions to the working of the gun.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- Get Jonesey out the way. - I 'eard that!- All right.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- Well, he's...- That'll do, Walker.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Next, open the breech, Corporal.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Right sir. Right sir.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58It's stuck, sir.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02- Give him a hand, Pike.- Sir... Ow!
0:09:02 > 0:09:07- It's all gummed up, sir.- All right. Let me have a look. Come out of it.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- I'll do this. - Excuse me...
0:09:13 > 0:09:16You had the safety catch on.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Always somebody ready to interfere, isn't there?
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- It's our gun! - He's a troublemaker, sir.
0:09:32 > 0:09:38- Right, breech worker reports bore clear. That's you, Corporal. - Right, sir.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43- Bore clear..! Bore clear..! Bore clear..!- All right, all right.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- Once is enough.- All right, sir.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51The loader loads the gun and calls "Gun loaded" to the breech worker.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- Pike.- Thanks, Joe.
0:09:53 > 0:09:58- Gun loaded to the breech worker. - No, just "Gun loaded".
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- Just gun loaded.- Pike!
0:10:01 > 0:10:08Loader ensures his fingers are out of the breech when the breech worker works the breech.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11One, two, three, four... Good.
0:10:11 > 0:10:18When his fingers are clear he calls to the breech worker... the corner of the page is torn away.
0:10:18 > 0:10:25- Why do I say that?- What? - The corner of the page is torn away. - You stupid boy - look!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27We'll never know what he calls.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30How about, "Hands away"?
0:10:33 > 0:10:37This is a field gun, Frazer, not Ben Gunn.
0:10:37 > 0:10:43Listen, sir, if he don't get his hands away in time, what about saying, "Ouch!"?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46I've warned you once, Walker.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50We want something brief and to the point.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Well, how about, "Fingers out"?
0:10:53 > 0:10:58- That's very good. "Fingers out". Say that, Pike.- Fingers out.- Good.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03- Breech worker closes the breech. Close the breech.- Shut up, sir!
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- What did you say?- Shut up, sir. The breech is shut up.
0:11:11 > 0:11:16It doesn't say anything here about saying that.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I thought it was rather military.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23I thought it was rather rude.
0:11:23 > 0:11:28- What about, "Once more into the breech"?- Don't be ridiculous.
0:11:28 > 0:11:34On the order "Fire" the gun layer pulls his lanyard. That's you, Godfrey.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39What are you doing?
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- Pulling my lanyard, sir. - That one down there.
0:11:44 > 0:11:49- You want me to make it go off? - Yes, of course.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I don't think I'm suited to the post.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56I'd like to pull the lanyard. I'd enjoy pulling the lanyard.
0:11:56 > 0:12:03- You can't lean over, what about the kick?- I'll do that as well. - The recoil from the gun!
0:12:03 > 0:12:10- Right, I'll sit back a bit. - Pike.- I stuff it up the breech. I can't push AND pull.
0:12:10 > 0:12:16- As I'm not over-burdened with work at the moment, perhaps- I- should oblige.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20- All right, you do it. - Godfrey, could you move yourself?
0:12:20 > 0:12:26Now, we all know how the gun works, don't we...? Splendid.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- We'll have a little practice. - What are we aiming at?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Ah.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Wait a minute.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40- You see that van, driving along the coast road?- Uh-huh.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42That's an enemy tank.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47You lay on that and I'll work out the range and inclination.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51The range, say, 700 yards.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55700 yards - angle of inclination, 2.5 degrees.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59- Have you got the inclination? - No, I...
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- I'm all right at the moment. - No, no, no.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07Have a look at that dial and see that it has two degrees on it.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11All right, bear to the left. Left, left...
0:13:11 > 0:13:16Still further left... Aim in front of the tower, and FIRE!
0:13:16 > 0:13:20- I wouldn't do that if I were you. - Why not?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24# And when I hear you call... #
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Oh, yes.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Much more your size.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Rather formidable weapon. Hurt me, that.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Here we are. The sawdust for the TEWT.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- I got the tins of spam. - I got the toy gun.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Something to shoot for the TEWT!
0:13:48 > 0:13:51What shall we put the TEWT on?
0:13:51 > 0:13:57- That black-out screen in the hall? - Good idea. Would you get it? - I will, sir.- Thank you.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02- Walker, just give me a hand round with this table.- Right, sir.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07- What is a TEWT?- Really, Wilson. Fancy asking what a TEWT is!
0:14:07 > 0:14:14- I wasn't here when you fixed it up. - A TEWT is a Tactical Exercise Without Troops.- Oh, really?
0:14:14 > 0:14:20- The men are bringing articles to make a model of the town. - I brought as much as I could.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- I brought a few things.- Well done.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- Here's the black-out, sir. - Ah.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Here you go... Right.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33- Sawdust, sir?- Right. Put it on. - There you go, sir.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38- Spread it out. - We need to spread it out a bit.- Yes.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Hello! That's a bit of suet.
0:14:41 > 0:14:48That Ronald's getting careless. I won't be able to use that, it's all sawdust.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I'll put it in the sausages.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56- Make a note of that, Wilson. No sausages next week.- Right, sir.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Something to represent the church.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04- That mess tin behind you, Walker. Can you hand it over?- Here you go.
0:15:04 > 0:15:09- A whisky bottle for the tower? - Haven't you anything more reverent?
0:15:10 > 0:15:14- This tin of health salts? - All right. That'll do.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- Hello. I got everything. - Splendid.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20The High Street - the tins of Spam.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23And the promenade - some hymn books.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28- The vicar won't like this.- There's a war on. Get the hymn books.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34Right. Now...something to represent the bandstand.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37What about this powder puff, sir?
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Very well. That'll do. That's the bandstand.
0:15:41 > 0:15:47- Now the allotments. - Will this sponge do? - Sounds a good idea.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Splendid. Now something for the gas works.
0:15:51 > 0:15:57What about this tin of bicarbonated soda...? It's one and four, that.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Here we are, wait a minute... Here's the cricket pitch.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03This'll do for the scoreboard.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- Now, what about the pier?- Sir.- Fine.
0:16:06 > 0:16:11Don't forget, sir, the pier got blown up in the middle of it.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- Nae bother.- No...
0:16:13 > 0:16:16What are you doing? That's MY brush.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20In Mrs Pike's bathroom?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Well, it WAS my brush until I gave it to Mavis.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28- Now, here's our gun. Got the toy soldiers, Pike?- Yes, sir.- Good man.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Splendid. Now then...
0:16:30 > 0:16:35This knight in shining armour, that's you, Corporal Jones.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38I'm gonna enjoy this.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- This Highland soldier is Frazer. - Great.
0:16:41 > 0:16:46And then we've got Godfrey and Pike and Walker there.
0:16:46 > 0:16:51Why am I the one without a head? They're my soldiers.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53You'll do as you're told.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57- I don't mind not having a head. - Oh, for heaven's sake!
0:16:57 > 0:17:02The cowboy and Indian - I'll be the cowboy and Wilson can be the Indian.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06I had a feeling I'd be the Indian.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Don't let's get childish. Bring the men in.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Would you all come in here? This way for the T.W.I.T. (!)
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- Steady on.- Be careful, there.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24Gather round, as quickly and carefully as you can.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25A lot of animals!
0:17:25 > 0:17:28All right? Now, pay attention, men.
0:17:28 > 0:17:33As you know, our fighting potential has been increased enormously
0:17:33 > 0:17:35by this thirteen pounder gun.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40We must now conceive our tactics on a much broader scale.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Don't lean on the gas works, boy.
0:17:45 > 0:17:50With our armament here, we control the whole stretch of the coast.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Unfortunately, some obstacles are in our way.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Now, that puff...that bandstand. That'll have to go.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It's in our line of fire
0:18:00 > 0:18:05and the enemy could use it as cover for an invasion barge.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08The sort of shabby trick Nazis play.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12I've told the Town Clerk it must come down within 48 hours.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Isn't that a bit high-handed?
0:18:15 > 0:18:23- It's the only language officials understand.- They'll never get it down in 48 hours. It's solid iron.
0:18:23 > 0:18:29I'll take it down for nothing if I can keep the iron. Well, it's war weapons.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Better leave it in official hands.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36- These allotments will be flattened. - Haud on! Haud on!
0:18:36 > 0:18:41Them's my runner beans and tomatoes. You cannae dispose of them like that.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Think o' the "Dig for Victory" campaign.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Be that as it may, guns before vegetables.
0:18:47 > 0:18:53We could leave the vegetables there and when the invasion signal comes,
0:18:53 > 0:18:56we'll rush out and pick them quickly.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Next thing in our line of fire is the cricket pitch scoreboard.
0:19:03 > 0:19:09- Please, sir, not the scoreboard. - We can't make any exceptions.
0:19:09 > 0:19:14- Can't we wait till the end of the season?- Nazis don't play cricket.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19If they did, we wouldn't be on opposite sides now.
0:19:20 > 0:19:25In the event of the balloon going up, here's our new plan of campaign.
0:19:25 > 0:19:30- Got the armoured car, Pike? - Yes, sir.- Right.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Put this behind Jones's shop.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Right. Now I want us all to adopt the places and positions
0:19:37 > 0:19:40that we would be in on a normal working day.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45- You go to your shop.- Right. - Where are you going? Corporal!
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- I'm going to my shop.- Oh, come here.
0:19:48 > 0:19:55- You're represented by this knight. Put it in the box.- Oh, I cotton on. There we go. I'm in my shop, sir.
0:19:55 > 0:20:02- Frazer, you be in your shop. - Aye, sir.- Walker, you'll be in your...place of business.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Wilson, Pike and myself will be in the bank.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13- Where will I be?- Either in the one in the front or the one in the town.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Now, let us imagine that the church bells have just gone.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- Jones, you run out from your shop. - I run out from my shop...
0:20:28 > 0:20:35- Blast! I'm lost in the sawdust. - Pick yourself up. - I've got hold of meself.- All right.
0:20:35 > 0:20:40- Start up the van.- Right. Num, num, num, num...- Down the High Street.
0:20:40 > 0:20:46- Pick up Frazer from his shop, then Walker in Slope Alley. - Get on the back, Joe.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51Sharp right turn and proceed up the East Gate Road to the church hall.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53You can't. It's a one-way street.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57- We can in an emergency. - Num, num, num...- Right.
0:20:57 > 0:21:05- We shall run from the bank to the drill hall... Come on, come on, you're involved.- All right.
0:21:05 > 0:21:11- Will the van pick ME up? - We never know where you might be... Oh, Pike!
0:21:11 > 0:21:18Better make your own way there. The rest of the platoon will get here as quickly as they can.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23We'll assume the invasion's started and the enemy troops are landing.
0:21:23 > 0:21:29We're keeping up a constant steady fire from here, but he's also dropping parachutists.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- The rotten swine, sir!- Exactly.
0:21:32 > 0:21:37In that event, Private Sponge takes Corporal Jones's place at the gun,
0:21:37 > 0:21:44- Jones takes the rest of the platoon out to mop up the parachutists. Understood?- Yes.
0:21:44 > 0:21:49On the word "Action". You be loader. Right... Action!
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- Num, num, num, num, num... - Loaded!- Fire!
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- Bang! Bang! Bang! - Loaded!- Fire!
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- Good evening, Mainwaring.- Fire!
0:22:00 > 0:22:05- Mr Rees - Town Clerk, Mr Bennett - Borough Engineer.- Oh, how do you do?
0:22:05 > 0:22:10- Hold it, men. Hold it. - Jones!- Num, num, num....- SH!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12What, have they surrendered?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15For the time being, yes.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- We're holding a TEWT.- Really?
0:22:18 > 0:22:22- This is Walmington-on-Sea. - You could've fooled me.
0:22:22 > 0:22:29What is the idea of sending me an ultimatum? I am not used to getting ultimatums!
0:22:29 > 0:22:35- That bandstand must come down. - Oh? Why?- Because it's in our direct line of fire.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39That is a rare example of Victorian ironwork,
0:22:39 > 0:22:44erected to commemorate Queen Victoria's visit here in 1891.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I remember that, Mr Mainwaring.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51I was guard of honour for Queen Victoria.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55And she come down the ranks and hesitated in front of me.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00And she murmured to her aide-de-camp, "He reminds me of my dear Albert."
0:23:00 > 0:23:03And she had a little tear in her eye.
0:23:03 > 0:23:09And I reiterated. I said - and she reminded me of my dear old Mum.
0:23:09 > 0:23:16And do you know, she swept right on, and hence the old expression, "We are not amused."
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Neither are we, Corporal.
0:23:20 > 0:23:27- What were you saying? - You can't say that bandstand must come down just like that.
0:23:27 > 0:23:32- It has to go before the Town Council. - So, put it before the Town Council.
0:23:32 > 0:23:38- It's got to be discussed in Committee, first. - There's no time for this red tape.
0:23:38 > 0:23:45- There must be some other way. - We could have an emergency meeting, if it is considered urgent enough.
0:23:45 > 0:23:52- The whole town's safety depends on this gun.- You'd better convince the Committee of that.
0:23:52 > 0:23:58- I'll lay on a full-scale demonstration.- Excuse me... - Not just now, Verger.
0:23:58 > 0:24:04- Oh, well, I'll get the Committee along.- All right. 10.30 on Sunday morning.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09- Is that wise?- Don't worry. - Excuse me...- Go away.
0:24:09 > 0:24:14All right, then, 10.30 on Sunday. I wouldn't miss this for the world!
0:24:14 > 0:24:19- Excuse me, sir. I've got to put this black-out up.- Put it up later.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23It's got to go up now, and that's that.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26SHOUTS OF PROTEST
0:24:28 > 0:24:31# You say the sweetest things, baby
0:24:31 > 0:24:34# You have me right... #
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- KNOCK AT DOOR - Come in.
0:24:38 > 0:24:43- KNOCKING REPEATED - Come in! - KNOCKING CONTINUES
0:24:49 > 0:24:51We've brought the camouflage,
0:24:51 > 0:24:58- to prevent enemy aircraft from perceiving our firing position from the air.- Good man.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Get somebody to help you put it over the gun.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04A-CHOO!
0:25:04 > 0:25:09- Pike's helping me, sir. - It's ever so dusty, sir.
0:25:09 > 0:25:15Never mind. Spread it over the gun, and weight it down with sandbags.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Just a moment... Just a moment.
0:25:19 > 0:25:24Oh... Ah, Mr Rees. We'll be ready in five minutes. You're a bit early.
0:25:24 > 0:25:31Five minutes, eh? And what would happen if I was the invasion? Would you have five minutes then?
0:25:31 > 0:25:34If you were the invasion, Mr Rees,
0:25:34 > 0:25:41- you'd be heralded by the bells and a fusillade of shots from our gun. - We'll see about that, won't we?
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Come with me. You'll be impressed.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54- You're doing a good job. - Thank you, sir.
0:25:54 > 0:25:59- Permission to carry on?- Carry on is just about the right name for it.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Detachment rear!
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- Where's Godfrey?- Over there, sir.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Godfrey, over here.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Godfrey! What's wrong with you?
0:26:12 > 0:26:18I'm sorry, sir. I was just taking precautions in case you let it go off.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Go and join the gun detachment.
0:26:23 > 0:26:30On the command "Action", go in like greased lightning and get that gun in action.
0:26:30 > 0:26:37- Squad...- Shouldn't we remove the camouflage net before we start? - Not very good thinking.- Why not?
0:26:37 > 0:26:44What is the point in uncamouflaging it just when the enemy is likely to see it?
0:26:44 > 0:26:49At the last moment we'll whip aside the net and pour forth deadly fire.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- Deadly? Who to?- You'll see, sir.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Enemy tank right. Action!
0:26:55 > 0:27:00Come along, now. Quick as you can. Keen as mustard, these chaps.
0:27:00 > 0:27:05- Range - 500 yards!- It'll be 10 yards by the time they're ready!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Oi, Jonesey.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Where are you? I got a shell for you.
0:27:11 > 0:27:16FRAZER: There's somebody in my place!
0:27:16 > 0:27:20- Range 500 yards. - Standing still, is it?
0:27:20 > 0:27:26- Range 450 yards. Corporal, is the gun ready for action? - I don't know. I can't find it.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Walker, go in and find him.
0:27:29 > 0:27:34Cop hold of that, sir. Oi, Jonesey, where are you?
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Won't be long. Enemy tank right, 450 yards.
0:27:38 > 0:27:43- Where are you, Frazer?- I cannae turn the handle for this damned net!
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Pike, Wilson, get this net off. Come on.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Come along, now. Hurry up.
0:27:50 > 0:27:57- Corporal, stay where you are. They're taking this net off. - I won't let it beat me, sir.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Hey! Take the damned thing off!
0:28:00 > 0:28:06- Enemy tank right, range er... - 300 yards!- 300 yards it is.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10All right, I've seen enough. I'll report to my Sub-Committee.
0:28:10 > 0:28:15Well, thank you very much for coming along, Mr Rees.
0:28:15 > 0:28:20- These little discrepancies will be ironed out in the drill.- I'm sure.
0:28:20 > 0:28:25- My Committee can sleep sound in their beds.- Rest assured of that.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29Provided they make them inside that enemy tank.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd