0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:11 > 0:00:16# We are the boys Who will stop your little game
0:00:16 > 0:00:21# We are the boys Who will make you think again
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# Cos who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town On the 8.21
0:00:36 > 0:00:40# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun
0:00:40 > 0:00:46# So, who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:53 > 0:00:58I'll bring a van to the back of your shop when it's dark.
0:00:58 > 0:01:04We'll take the meat to this mate who owns a restaurant. He'll see you all right.
0:01:04 > 0:01:12- I'm having nothing to do with your black market activities. - He owns a Chinese restaurant!
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Well, yellow market then.
0:01:15 > 0:01:20- Sgt Wilson! Why aren't the men fallen in?- I haven't told them to.
0:01:20 > 0:01:25- Would you mind telling them, now? - Yes, yes. Pay attention, you chaps.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Would you fall in in three ranks?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31No time to lose. Come on.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Platoon. Platoon, 'shun!
0:01:36 > 0:01:39It wasn't awfully good, was it?
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Platoon, stand at ease.
0:01:43 > 0:01:48- Could you manage to do it at the same time as the others?- Sorry, Sgt.
0:01:48 > 0:01:56- It makes the platoon look slovenly. - Sorry, Sergeant.- It couldn't be the way I give the command?- No.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59You give a lovely word of command.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02And if I may say so, a bit refined.
0:02:02 > 0:02:09The sergeants I served under used to bark it out very fiercely, them being of a savage nature.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13- You bark it out! - YOU want an Alsatian!
0:02:13 > 0:02:20- Stop all this bickering. Perhaps if I was to shout a bit louder... - Just get on with it.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Pay attention now. Platoon, 'SHUN!
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Remarkable, don't you think, sir?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Yes. Only one slight criticism.
0:02:32 > 0:02:37The rest of the platoon is standing to attention and Jones is at ease.
0:02:37 > 0:02:44What? Oh, yes! Jonesey, dear, could you possibly manage to get your legs together?
0:02:44 > 0:02:51Get your legs together?! You're a sergeant not a headmistress of a girls' school. Jones, 'shun!
0:02:54 > 0:03:01The only slight criticism that I have is that the rest of the squad appears to be...
0:03:01 > 0:03:04All right, all right!
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Stand to attention, the rest of you.
0:03:09 > 0:03:17- Very smart, Jones.- Thank you, sir. I've got nice kidneys for Mrs Mainwaring.- Don't talk on parade.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Put them in the office after the inspection.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24What's in your pockets, Walker?
0:03:24 > 0:03:30- That's granulated and that's sultanas.- Check this before I inspect the troops.
0:03:30 > 0:03:35Disgraceful, Walker! Do that again and you'll have to throw it away.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39It makes no odds to me. You paid for them.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43It wasn't for me, sir, it was for Mrs Pike.
0:03:43 > 0:03:48- Godfrey!- Can I be of assistance, sir?- Look to your front.
0:03:48 > 0:03:53Don't wear your hat straight. You look like George Formby.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58I'm sorry, sir. Would you mind holding that?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Is that better, sir?
0:04:01 > 0:04:07- What's this?- I get a twinge of gout in the damp spells, fortunately only in one foot.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13You can't come on parade looking like that.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Stand at ease, everybody. Now, pay attention.
0:04:17 > 0:04:22This platoon is getting very lax in personal appearance and discipline.
0:04:22 > 0:04:30This is borne out by a signal from the CO. He came through yesterday and didn't receive one salute.
0:04:30 > 0:04:36- And a Lance Corporal had his hands in his pockets. - Permission to confess, sir.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- Yes.- I was that Lance Corporal.
0:04:39 > 0:04:46- I always find you punctilious about saluting. - A touch of forgetfulness.
0:04:46 > 0:04:52- You can't forget what an officer looks like. - No, I'd forgotten my braces, sir.
0:04:52 > 0:04:58If I'd raised my hand to salute I thought the result might seem unseemly.
0:04:58 > 0:05:04I see. Well, for the next five minutes we're going to do some saluting.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08And remember, it's the longest way up - one -
0:05:08 > 0:05:11shortest way down - two.
0:05:11 > 0:05:18Pay particular attention to this. Palm to the front, index finger in line with the right eyebrow.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- Thus. Right?- Yes, sir.- Carry on.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Squad, hup!
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Left leg, hup!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Squad, hup!
0:05:29 > 0:05:34- Longest way up - one - shortest way down - two.- Hup!
0:05:34 > 0:05:39- Longest way up, one. - I say! Bless you.
0:05:39 > 0:05:46That's rather taken the wind out of my sails. I came in to be cross with you.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- Somebody's written something rude on my spare harmonium.- Really?
0:05:50 > 0:05:58- How does that concern my platoon? - It's in the tower room where your men sleep on fire-watch.- No, no.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03- My men wouldn't do a thing like that.- They have! Come and see.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Wilson! Carry on saluting, Corporal.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Shortest way down - two.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- Squad, hup!- Longest way up - one.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Shortest way down - two.
0:06:17 > 0:06:22- Hurry up, Wilson. Not in good condition, are you?- HE SPLUTTERS
0:06:22 > 0:06:25What have you got to say to that?
0:06:25 > 0:06:32Oh. Well, my men don't do that sort of thing and I'm jolly well going to prove it.
0:06:32 > 0:06:37- Wilson!- Just with you, sir. Won't be a moment.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- My goodness me, sir, it's an awfully long way up.- Yes.
0:06:41 > 0:06:49- I want you to run down again and get Jones's section up here. - Not all the way down again?- Yes!
0:06:49 > 0:06:56- Can I go home then?- Of course not. I want you here as a witness. Dismiss the rest of the men.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01- Where's the instrument?- Pardon? - The instrument the culprit used.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05It's a wax crayon and it won't rub out.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Try again. Squad - hup!
0:07:07 > 0:07:12- Longest way up - one... - Wait a minute.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17When you stick it up level with the eyebrows, give it a wiggle.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Like this, see? Wiggle, wiggle.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Squad - hup!
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Longest way up, one. Wiggle, wiggle.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30All right. Jonesey, Jonesey, that's enough of that.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Just get your section together.
0:07:33 > 0:07:40In single file at the double to the top of the church tower. Send the rest home.
0:07:40 > 0:07:47You heard the Officer. The rest of you go home. My section, at the double, left right, left right.
0:07:49 > 0:07:57- Come along, Wilson, I want this over quickly.- I don't see the point in the platoon pounding in here.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Look, I'm not having a slur like that hanging over my troops.
0:08:02 > 0:08:09- My men will copy those letters and you can compare the writing.- I'm here for my parish's spiritual needs
0:08:09 > 0:08:12not to play Inspector Hornleigh.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17- Where's the Sergeant?- At the bottom. He's a bit breathless.- I see.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20You men were the last on duty here.
0:08:20 > 0:08:26- Now, Corporal Jones, do you see that word?- Yes, sir.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31- Have you done that? - Do you mean recently, sir?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Did you WRITE that?
0:08:34 > 0:08:41Mr Mainwaring, I never thought you would think I was capable of such improper conduct.
0:08:41 > 0:08:49- There's nothing personal about this, Jones, but I want you to copy those letters.- Now?- Now.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- In front of the public?- Yes.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56- In front of the padre? - Get on with it!
0:09:00 > 0:09:05- I can't do it, sir.- It's an order. - Perhaps he'd rather do a limerick.
0:09:05 > 0:09:11- There was an old lady called Vickers Who went out without...- I told you that in confidence!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14All right! Go on, go on.
0:09:19 > 0:09:25- Ah. Well, that clears you, Jones. - I did not enjoy that, sir. - Neither did I.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30- Walker.- My mum wouldn't like that, Mr Mainwaring!- Come on, come on.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- Shall I sign it? - I don't see any similarity, do you?
0:09:38 > 0:09:42- Don't drag ME into it. - Pike, you next.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49- What's it mean, Mr Mainwaring? - All in good time.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- Permission to speak, sir.- Not now.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Somebody has got to remove all this!
0:09:55 > 0:09:59- Permission to interrupt, sir. - Not at the moment, please!
0:09:59 > 0:10:03- Frazer, you're next. - I'm refusing to obey.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- Did I hear you right?- You did, sir.
0:10:06 > 0:10:11He that toucheth pitch shall be defiled.
0:10:11 > 0:10:18- Permission to report the verger is outside, sir.- Tell him to come in. - He's outside the window.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22- He's going side to side and up and down.- Verger!
0:10:22 > 0:10:30Oh, my sainted aunt! I told him to clean the window but I didn't expect him to go to that length!
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Good heavens! He's caught on the cable of a barrage balloon.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39- Captain Mainwaring, I'm back. - Follow me down, Wilson.- My God!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Don't panic, Mr Wilson, don't panic.
0:10:42 > 0:10:50Excuse me, Mr Yeatman, if you could manage to hang on a little longer I'll try and summon assistance.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55Oh, Mr Mainwaring, the verger has been taken from us.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58We'll soon have him under control.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03Something rather odd seems to have happened to the verger.
0:11:03 > 0:11:08- Don't panic, don't panic! - I've no intention of panicking.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13Vicar, I heard a voice from above. Very distressing for you.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17I thought an angel had visited me. Well, you would.
0:11:17 > 0:11:23And then he cried unto me, "Help! I'm caught in this ruddy string."
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Grab this cable and heave.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- Godfrey! - Would you mind holding this?
0:11:30 > 0:11:35- Don't panic!- VERGER: Somebody better panic! This is killing me.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Hold on, Verger. Help is at hand. Heave!
0:11:39 > 0:11:45- Hang on, it's twisted round that weathercock on the steeple. - So it is. Sgt Wilson!
0:11:45 > 0:11:51- Coming, sir.- You and Pike run up and climb up the steeple.- My God!
0:11:51 > 0:11:56We've no time for that palaver. One good heave will bring it away!
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Look out, Vicar.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05Oh, Vicar, do you think this is a judgement on us? Speak for yourself.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I haven't done anything.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Here he comes. Steady does it.
0:12:11 > 0:12:17Untie him, Walker. Right, hang on, the rest of you.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19You're all flushed.
0:12:19 > 0:12:25How did it happen? I saw this cable wrapped round the lamp-post.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30Don't touch things that don't concern you. You're a troublemaker!
0:12:30 > 0:12:35- Jones!- What are we going to do? - Think for a moment.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38If we all let go it might float away.
0:12:38 > 0:12:46- If this cable goes across any high tension wires it could black out a whole county.- We can't hang on!
0:12:46 > 0:12:53- Perhaps we could grab the ropes attached to the balloon itself. - Good idea. When I tell you, heave.
0:12:53 > 0:13:01- If we brought it down a bit further we could grab the things attached to the balloon itself!- Thank you(!)
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- One, two, three!- HEAVE.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- One more.- Heave!
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Heave.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Right. Grab a rope, Pike. Walker!
0:13:17 > 0:13:21I'm going to grab hold of one of these, I am.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26Where's Mainwaring? He's piggy in the middle.
0:13:26 > 0:13:33- Just what sort of game do you think you're playing? - One day, I'll have you suspended.
0:13:33 > 0:13:38Get that shifted. You shouldn't have been allowed to bring it here!
0:13:38 > 0:13:43This is a runaway barrage balloon and we're trying to control it.
0:13:43 > 0:13:50- Get on the phone to the RAF then, instead of hanging on here like Winnie the Pooh.- I aim to do that!
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- Hurry up then!- Come on, Wilson.
0:13:53 > 0:14:00- Vicar, lend a hand with these ropes while I get help. - Come on, Mr Yeatman.
0:14:00 > 0:14:05No, I'm not going up a second time. Lightning never strikes twice.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08It does in our family. I'm a twin!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Hold steady and we'll phone for help.
0:14:11 > 0:14:18- Before you go, do you think I might be excused for a minute? - Don't be ridiculous.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I'm not going to hang on here!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Pretend you're the Statue of Liberty.
0:14:24 > 0:14:31I must ensure he phones properly. Miss Godfrey, cop hold of this. Come on, dear.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34There's not much meat on her.
0:14:34 > 0:14:39She's got big bones. Be brave. Remember Joan of Arc.
0:14:39 > 0:14:48- Wilson, double round and get as many of the platoon as you can. Hurry!- Oh, my God!- ..Hello.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Operations.
0:14:51 > 0:14:57Captain Mainwaring, Walmington-on-Sea. We've captured one of your balloons.
0:14:57 > 0:15:03Just a moment. Anyone lost a balloon? One called Amy is adrift.
0:15:03 > 0:15:09Will you speak? Not now. Take the details and notify barrage command.
0:15:09 > 0:15:16- Very good, Sir. The address, please? - St Aldhelm's Church. - Is the balloon attached to anything?
0:15:16 > 0:15:22- Not now. It WAS wrapped round a verger.- On her way to choir practice?
0:15:22 > 0:15:27We can't have all this rubbish. The point is, is it dangerous?
0:15:27 > 0:15:32'Not unless it catches fire.' It can catch fire!
0:15:32 > 0:15:38- Don't let anyone smoke near it. Someone will be round by nightfall. - Nightfall!
0:15:38 > 0:15:42- My men can't hold on! - Tie it to something.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- What do you suggest?- Give me that!
0:15:45 > 0:15:49They're not tying it to anything. It MUST be shifted!
0:15:49 > 0:15:54- Perhaps the ARP people could help. - Yes. Contact the ARP people.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I AM the ARP p-people!
0:16:00 > 0:16:05Scramble Seven! We'll send help as soon as possible.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10She's rung off. You're in charge and this is your responsibility.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15- That thing must be shifted.- I'm quite capable of dealing with this!
0:16:19 > 0:16:26- I don't know if we can hang on longer.- I've got a few words to say to you.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Surely to God he's not going to make a speech!
0:16:30 > 0:16:35- The RAF are going to help...- He is! - ..but naturally they're very busy.
0:16:35 > 0:16:42- Hitler is still poised across the Channel and no one can relax vigilance.- Oy!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45No speeches! Get that thing shifted.
0:16:45 > 0:16:50Why don't we walk this into Pinner fields and tie it to a tree?
0:16:50 > 0:16:54That's sensible! Why didn't you think of that?
0:16:54 > 0:17:00- I was about to suggest it. - Why don't I run and fetch my lorry
0:17:00 > 0:17:07and we can tie the balloon to it and that will prevent it being wafted away by an unpleasant breeze.
0:17:07 > 0:17:16I've had another idea, sir. We could walk it into Pinner Woods and tie it to a tree or something.
0:17:16 > 0:17:23- Yes. I'll take your place, you go and get the van.- Very good. I shall return at six o'clock hours.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30Vicar, if I were you, I'd cancel the confirmation class today.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Left!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09# Amy, wonderful Amy
0:18:09 > 0:18:14# How can you blame me for loving you?
0:18:14 > 0:18:19# Since you've won the praise Of every nation... #
0:18:26 > 0:18:31Mark time. Platoon, halt!
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Excellent mooring place, men.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Pull it down your end, men.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I'll secure the cable.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Let go your end, Jones!
0:18:53 > 0:18:55All clear this end, sir.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Right.
0:19:00 > 0:19:06Raise the tree and I'll take a couple of turns round the trunk for safety.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Right, sir. Jump to it - hup!
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Don't panic, Mr Mainwaring, don't panic!
0:19:36 > 0:19:41A fine mess you've made of this. Don't just gawp, DO something!
0:19:41 > 0:19:46- You've got a van, haven't you? Well, come on.- Into the van, come on!
0:19:47 > 0:19:50The van don't fly.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Quick, Jonesey, follow that balloon.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Ruddy hooligans!
0:20:25 > 0:20:29H-HELP!
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Useless thing.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Oy! Oy! Wait for me.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43Here, you, get off that. I'm commandeering it. Come on, off!
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- Can you see it, Mr Wilson? - It's rising.
0:20:52 > 0:20:57It'll rise when he hits hot air. He's never been short of that!
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Unidentified object in C sector, sir.
0:21:01 > 0:21:08Where did THAT come from? Perhaps it came at wave level. Scramble seven squadron.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Help! Get me down.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Ooooh!
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- The wind's dropping.- Mr Mainwaring!
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Too late!
0:21:33 > 0:21:39- He's above the cabin. I can't see him.- Use the observation drill. - Come on, Taffy.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43Ready, two, three. Open, two, three. Up, two, three.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Get me down!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Blimey!
0:21:50 > 0:21:55You'd better turn around, Jonesey, the wind's changing.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Here, where are you going?
0:22:05 > 0:22:10This is ridiculous. We cannae go back and forward all our lives.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15Mr Wilson, we must shoot holes in it to evacuate its gases.
0:22:15 > 0:22:20- Do you think that's wise, Jonesey? - Blimey, we've got to do something!
0:22:20 > 0:22:27- All right, but do aim carefully. - Surely even your lot couldn't miss a barrage balloon?!
0:22:29 > 0:22:34Keep her steady, Jonesey. On you go, Pike.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37What are you doing, you idiots?
0:22:38 > 0:22:43How was that? He's still kicking. We'll give him three rounds each.
0:22:43 > 0:22:48I won't. No, fix your bayonet in case he comes low.
0:22:54 > 0:22:59What are you playing at? Cowboys and Indians?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02It's moved to eight now.
0:23:02 > 0:23:07'Charlie Leader here. I've spotted it. It's a ruddy balloon.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11'There's a fat round thing on the other end.'
0:23:14 > 0:23:16He's coming lower.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21The way the wind's blowing he'll finish up in Belgium.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Oy, you, off! I'm commandeering this.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Drive on!
0:23:31 > 0:23:37- He's getting lower.- Catch him before he gets to the bend.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49It's no good, Wilsie, he's gone across the field now.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Oh, no!
0:24:01 > 0:24:08Oh! Oh, Freddie, that was wonderful. It was like the whole world shook.
0:24:10 > 0:24:17- He's gone towards Exmouth. - The first on the right is a short cut. Such a pretty walk.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Oy!
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Can't you go any faster, Jonesey?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38What do you mean? I'm doing 20 now.
0:24:38 > 0:24:44Come on! You'd go quicker if you had an ugly Nazi behind you.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Well, you're not exactly Ronald Coleman, you know.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05There's a balloon ahead by the bridge!
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Get me out of here!
0:25:24 > 0:25:29- Blimey, there's a train coming. - Spread your legs, Mr Mainwaring.
0:25:58 > 0:26:03Couldn't we burn a feather under his nose?
0:26:03 > 0:26:09- I'm all right. Only a few scratches. Where's the balloon? - Everything's under control.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Well done, you chaps.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Platoon, hup!
0:26:23 > 0:26:26You've done it again!
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Quick! Into the van.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Follow that balloon.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Subtitles by Hazel Nairn. BBC Scotland. 1992.