0:00:03 > 0:00:08# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run
0:00:11 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:22 > 0:00:27# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# If you think old England's done
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?
0:00:46 > 0:00:49# If you think old England's done. #
0:00:53 > 0:00:56# There is a lady sweet and kind
0:00:56 > 0:01:00# Was never face so pleased my mind
0:01:00 > 0:01:03# I did but see her passing by
0:01:03 > 0:01:06# Yet will I love her...
0:01:06 > 0:01:09# Till I die
0:01:09 > 0:01:14- # Her gestures, motions and... # - That's enough, Pike, thank you.
0:01:14 > 0:01:22- Sorry, Mr Mainwaring. - A bank manager's office is no place for singing.- Sorry, Mr Mainwaring.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- Morning, sir.- Ah, morning, Wilson.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Good news about the Home Guard dance.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Well, all work and no play, you know.
0:01:32 > 0:01:40It gives our wives and sweethearts the feeling that they're part of the grand effort.
0:01:40 > 0:01:47- Can we bring a friend?- Yes. Who did you have in mind? An old boy scout friend?
0:01:47 > 0:01:51No, sir. I was going to bring a girl.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53A girl?
0:01:56 > 0:02:02Oh, well, I suppose so. Discuss it with Cpl Jones. He's doing the invitations.
0:02:02 > 0:02:08- I'll bring you a coffee, sir. # There is a lady... #- Pike!- Sorry.
0:02:08 > 0:02:13I'm not at all satisfied with that boy's work recently, you know.
0:02:13 > 0:02:21- Never stops humming.- He's just letting his thoughts dwell on his private life, sir.- Don't be absurd.
0:02:21 > 0:02:27- He hasn't got a private life. He's a boy.- He's walking out with an AT.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- With a what?- An ATS girl.- Heavens!
0:02:30 > 0:02:32You should put a stop to that.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36You never know where they come from.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40She's a local girl, actually. Violet Gibbons.
0:02:40 > 0:02:46I know her. Her mother cleaned for us. "Obliging us", she called it.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Yes, well...
0:02:48 > 0:02:51now her daughter's obliging Frank.
0:02:51 > 0:02:57- Wait a minute. Didn't that girl work in a fish and chip shop?- Yes.
0:02:57 > 0:03:03Wrong sort of background. The bank doesn't like that sort of thing.
0:03:03 > 0:03:10- What sort of thing? - She could ruin his career. What does his mother say?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- She doesn't know.- Speak to him.- Me?
0:03:13 > 0:03:19Well, the boy hasn't got a father. You're friendly with his mother.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24I know Mrs Pike but I don't have to act as a Dutch uncle to Frank.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28You worry me sometimes, Wilson.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33You'd do anything rather than face up to your responsibilities.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37You've never really grown up, have you?
0:03:37 > 0:03:44You're not a middle-aged chief clerk. You're a sort of Peter Pan.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49- You'll never get your own branch. - Frank is not my responsibility.
0:03:49 > 0:03:55- A lot of people will be pleased to hear that.- What do you mean?!
0:03:55 > 0:04:00Well, it's no business of mine. But it's a very small town, Wilson.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Tongues wag.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06People put two and two together.
0:04:06 > 0:04:14You and Mrs Pike arrived here about the same time, both from Weston-super-Mare.
0:04:14 > 0:04:20If you look at that boy in certain lights, there is a resemblance.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And he pulls the lobe of his ear.
0:04:23 > 0:04:29- The idea's outrageous. I mean, Mavis would have mentioned it.- Oh.
0:04:29 > 0:04:35I'm sure it's just idle gossip. But a word from you would be best.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- All right, I'll chat to him, sir. - Good.
0:04:38 > 0:04:46- Oh, no appointments for me today. I have a meeting in the church hall with the Dance Committee.- Yes, sir.
0:04:51 > 0:04:58As this dance is a recreation, I thought it better if we were to meet in a relaxed, informal way.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Pay attention, Walker.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Don't lean on the desk.
0:05:04 > 0:05:13- I thought it best that we should each be responsible for one aspect of Operation Dance.- Mr Mainwaring!
0:05:13 > 0:05:20I'd just like to say, on behalf of the men... that's a very nice idea.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Thank you very much, Jones.
0:05:22 > 0:05:29Now, what are the essential ingredients? What do we need for a dance?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32A floor.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37I'm not actually asking for suggestions at this stage, Walker.
0:05:37 > 0:05:44We need music to dance to, food for the inner man and drink for conviviality.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48- There's another thing, sir. - What is that?- Women.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51We can take that for granted.
0:05:51 > 0:05:58Booze is very difficult. But you can get it for us? Yeah, I've got contacts.
0:05:58 > 0:06:05We needn't trouble you, Walker. The Secretary of the golf club will supply it.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Sucks to you. Where do you think HE gets it?
0:06:09 > 0:06:14All right, Walker! There's the question of food.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19If it's any help, I'm rather good at making maids of honour.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Blimey, that's a relief (!)
0:06:21 > 0:06:26They're little buns with icing on the top.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Excellent, Godfrey. Can you help, Jones?
0:06:29 > 0:06:36- Yes, sir. I have earmarked 6 pounds of sausages.- We'd be very grateful.
0:06:36 > 0:06:44I have also earmarked some fat for frying. Then we can put them in the fat and fry them.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48We can cut them up and make sausage rolls.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Yes, a very stimulating suggestion.
0:06:51 > 0:06:58I think Mrs Mainwaring would manage to throw a case around them. She's very ingenious in that way.
0:06:58 > 0:07:03This brings us to a band. In these troubled times, this is difficult.
0:07:03 > 0:07:09Miss Rowlands and her colleagues have offered their services.
0:07:09 > 0:07:15We don't want too much jazz music. Blimey, not with Miss Rowlands!
0:07:15 > 0:07:20- What we need is some good tunes. - Tell Me, Pretty Maiden.
0:07:20 > 0:07:25- Any Old Iron.- You can't dance to that.- Harry Champion does.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Listen, sir, if you get Miss Rowlands,
0:07:29 > 0:07:37that friend of hers with the cello and that old bat from the library on the harp, we may as well go home.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Joe, you're right. 'Course I'm right.
0:07:41 > 0:07:47I think there's some force in that, but where are we to find musicians?
0:07:47 > 0:07:57- What about the Salvation Army? - Marvellous (!) Take your partners for What A Friend We Have In Jesus!
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Walker! May I remind you that we are on church property?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05I'm sorry, sir, but honestly!
0:08:05 > 0:08:12One of the lads in the Platoon can play piano. The RAF holding station at Godalston might have something.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17Oh, good. Splendid. Well done. Operation Dance is launched.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22I think we can bring her to harbour safely.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- Barring torpedos.- Barring...
0:08:30 > 0:08:35Frank, those pictures shouldn't be back to back.
0:08:35 > 0:08:40- It looks as if they've had an argument.- Shall I take them down?
0:08:40 > 0:08:48I've got the rosettes here, Wilson. "Secretary" for you, "M.C." for Jones and "Chairman" for me.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Who wears the "Wine" one?- Walker.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56- What about the golf club Secretary? - He couldn't get the extra drink.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03- Is that all right, sir?- I think so. Put those in the office, Pike.
0:09:03 > 0:09:10- Just a minute. Have you had a word with that boy yet?- No, no. Not yet, sir, no.
0:09:10 > 0:09:15- Why not?- The opportunity hasn't presented itself.- Why not now?
0:09:15 > 0:09:20You can't just nose-dive into a personal matter like this.
0:09:20 > 0:09:27You need the right atmosphere. A log fire, a cosy chair, a pipe, a glass of port...
0:09:27 > 0:09:34- Peter Pan! - My God, Mainwaring, you can hit pretty low when it suits you!
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Mr Mainwaring, I wanted to speak to you.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43- I was lying abed last night and I suddenly had an idea.- Really?
0:09:43 > 0:09:51What about a cabaret? You see, I do some humorous monologues and various forms of mimicry.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Fraser does a marvellous Highland sword-dance.
0:09:55 > 0:10:01- Yes, well, I'll mention it to the Committee.- Thank you, sir.
0:10:01 > 0:10:07- I told Mr Mainwaring about your sword-dance.- I've gone off the idea.
0:10:15 > 0:10:21- I'll go and see what Mr Mainwaring wants me to do.- No, don't go yet.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23My goodness me!
0:10:23 > 0:10:32We've never had a chance, have we, to be alone together and have a cosy little chat?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- Haven't we, Uncle?- Yes, well...
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Looking forward to the dance?
0:10:39 > 0:10:45- Yes, thanks, Uncle.- You don't have to call me Uncle.- Sorry, Sergeant.
0:10:45 > 0:10:50Or that. We're both grown-up men of the world.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I'm Frank. ..No, I'm not.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56YOU'RE Frank. I'm Arthur.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59How do you do?
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Anyway, you're quite grown-up now, you know.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09I mean, we can both look each other in the eye, can't we?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12And talk...
0:11:12 > 0:11:15man to man.
0:11:15 > 0:11:23- Nice, isn't it?- Yes. There are heaps of things we can talk about. Things we've never talked about before.
0:11:23 > 0:11:28- It's very nice, isn't it?- Would you stop saying it's nice, Frank?
0:11:28 > 0:11:33- It's irritating. - Sorry, Uncle... Sergeant... Arthur.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Yes, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40That's all right...Arthur.
0:11:44 > 0:11:49- Very nice, being able to talk man to man, isn't it?- Yes, it's nice.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Good, I mean. Good.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56- What'll we talk about, then?- What?
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Well, um... Well, we...
0:11:59 > 0:12:07We've, um... Have we? We've never really had a chance to have a little chat about girls, have we?
0:12:07 > 0:12:12- I know all about the birds and bees. - I didn't...- Miss Beckwith told us.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16She knows a lot about girls. And boys.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Frank, who are you going to take to the dance?
0:12:20 > 0:12:24I'll take my girlfriend, Violet Gibbons.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Precisely, yes. Violet Gibbons.
0:12:27 > 0:12:33- That's... That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.- Why?
0:12:33 > 0:12:38- YOU don't want to take her, do you? - Certainly not!- I didn't think so.
0:12:38 > 0:12:44She's wonderful. She's the most beautiful girl in the whole world.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I love her, Uncle Arthur.
0:12:46 > 0:12:54When I woke up today, I wanted to run to the top of the church tower and shout, "I love Violet Gibbons!"
0:12:54 > 0:12:56But I didn't.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01I think you're very wise.
0:13:01 > 0:13:09So many mistakes can be made. So much is to be thought about. Is she suitable, for instance?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- Suitable for what?- For the bank.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15She doesn't want to go to the bank.
0:13:15 > 0:13:22- No, I mean after the war. - She won't want to go into the bank then. She'll be married to me.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Married?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- Can you keep a secret?- Yes.
0:13:27 > 0:13:34I'm going to announce our engagement at the dance, like Jack Oakie did with Zazu Pitts.
0:13:34 > 0:13:41I wouldn't do that if I were you. It would give your mother a terrible shock.
0:13:41 > 0:13:47- No, she thought it was the best bit of the film.- Frank, I...
0:13:47 > 0:13:52I think it's just possible that this may be different.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57It's obvious you made a mess of it.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Well, you talk to him, sir.
0:14:00 > 0:14:06No, you must get somebody nearer to his own age-group. Try Walker.
0:14:06 > 0:14:12I don't think I could do any good. He can be very pig-headed.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Has his mum washed her hands of it?
0:14:15 > 0:14:19No, Mavis doesn't know the girl exists.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24If he blurts all this out at the dance, she'll make an awful scene.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27What if I have a word with Violet?
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Yes, that's... Violet? You know Violet?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Well, you know how it is.
0:14:34 > 0:14:39I was a bit keen on her once, when she worked in Woolworth's.
0:14:39 > 0:14:44When she went to work in the fish shop, somehow it was different.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49It was all right watching football, out in the open.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53But when she got hot in the pictures...
0:14:53 > 0:14:59People used to shift their seats. A man finds that humiliating.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04Yes. Speak to her. Perhaps she can persuade him not to be too hasty.
0:15:04 > 0:15:10She tried to persuade ME that way once. I never was a good listener.
0:15:13 > 0:15:18Point the music out in that direction.
0:15:18 > 0:15:23- Cpl Jones!- Just getting ready for the dance.- Where's Mr Mainwaring?
0:15:23 > 0:15:28He'll be here very quickly. He's bringing the sausage rolls.
0:15:28 > 0:15:35He'll arrive with his good lady in time to greet the guests whom I shall announce.
0:15:35 > 0:15:42- I've never met Mrs Mainwaring. - They're a devoted couple, only she don't get about much.
0:15:42 > 0:15:47Jonesy, that microphone's ready to be switched on. ..Evening, Vicar.
0:15:47 > 0:15:52That piano's got a note missing. An important one?
0:15:52 > 0:15:57It is if you play In The Mood. # Da-di-thump di-da-thump... #
0:15:57 > 0:16:02- I think that's rather catchy. - He's a sporting vicar, isn't he?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Don't let Pikey near the microphone.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10- He's not announcing his engagement? - We tried to talk to him, but...
0:16:10 > 0:16:17- I've got to meet my birds in the Horse and Groom. - Where's Mr Mainwaring?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- He's just come in.- Right.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Mr Mainwaring, can I have the sausages?
0:16:27 > 0:16:35I'm afraid there's been a mishap, Jones. My wife miscalculated and they're burnt to a cinder.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39- That's very distressing. - Yes. I'm sorry.
0:16:39 > 0:16:44- Don't upset yourself, sir. Only sausage rolls.- I was very vexed.
0:16:44 > 0:16:51- I gave her a good dressing-down. - That's a very nasty eye you've got there.
0:16:51 > 0:16:56- Yes, I bumped into the door of the linen cupboard.- Yes.
0:16:56 > 0:17:01If you and your good lady stand there, I'll announce the guests.
0:17:01 > 0:17:08- Well, Mrs Mainwaring won't be joining us this evening. - I hope she's not poorly.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- I'd rather not go into it.- Right.
0:17:11 > 0:17:18- I'll greet the guests alone. - Just stand here in your greeting-the-guests position, sir.
0:17:18 > 0:17:23- Keep nice and calm, sir.- Should we have some music?- Of course.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- Got any greeting-the-guests music? - Trees?
0:17:27 > 0:17:33- Would Trees suit you, sir? - Admirably, thank you.- Right, Trees.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Now, ready with the drinks?
0:17:35 > 0:17:41Hats and coats all right? Got your tickets? They'll be here soon.
0:17:41 > 0:17:47- Here we go... Blimey! You're early. - 8 o'clock, it says on the ticket.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51- I never gave you no ticket. - The Vicar did.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55Well, take it easy on the sandwiches.
0:17:55 > 0:18:01I don't want your sandwiches. He always was a troublemaker.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03HE'S the troublemaker.
0:18:03 > 0:18:09We never did find out who wrote that rude word on the harmonium.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Are you insinuating that it was me?
0:18:12 > 0:18:17I'm not insinuating anything, but why are you blushing?
0:18:17 > 0:18:22- I'm waiting, Jones.- Certainly, sir. Mr and Mrs Henry Yeatman!
0:18:22 > 0:18:29- Shake hands with the Captain. - With me hat on?!- I knew you was a troublemaker. Put it over there.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34- Having trouble? - His joint'll be gristle next week.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36It was all gristle LAST week.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Come away, Anthea.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44What's your pleasure? Failing that, what do you want to drink (?)
0:18:44 > 0:18:50- I've got to announce you first. - Doris and Dora. They're twins.
0:18:50 > 0:18:57- Which is which?- I dunno. One kicks and the other one bites, so what's the odds?
0:18:57 > 0:19:03- I'll say, "Mr Walker and party." - That's later! - Mr Walker and parties!
0:19:03 > 0:19:09- Evening, Mr Mainwaring. Where did you get that? - The linen cupboard door.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Hasn't your wife got a rolling-pin?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Mr and Mrs Dowding!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Mr and Mrs Eccles!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Hello, Mr Godfrey.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26My word, you DO look smart.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31Dear me, some of the gentlemen aren't wearing dinner jackets.
0:19:31 > 0:19:38- You've done us proud, Mr Godfrey. - Father said that one was never embarrassed by being well-dressed.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41I'm not quite sure he was right.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Mr and Mrs Forkus!
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- Evening, Jonesy. - Hello, Mr Fraser.
0:19:48 > 0:19:55- This is ma wee niece, Blodwen. - Hello, Miss Blodwen. Nice to see you.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00If ye say one word about ma kilt, I'll bash yer face in.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- You look very nice. - Thank ye.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Mr Fraser and Miss Blodwen!
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Captain, good evening. My niece.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12How do you do, Miss Blodwen?
0:20:12 > 0:20:18- I see your niece is a Land Girl. - I didn't have time to put on a dress.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Your partner amply made up for it!
0:20:21 > 0:20:28Ye've got one black eye, and I ken fine how ye're going to get another.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Mr Godfrey and Miss Godfrey!
0:20:32 > 0:20:38Take my arm, Cissy. It's just like old times, Charles.
0:20:38 > 0:20:44- Have you seen Frank?- Not yet, Mrs Pike.- Oh, what's happened to him?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Mavis, you worry too much.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Mr Wilson and Mrs Pike!
0:20:50 > 0:20:54- You know my sister, don't you? - Yes, of course.
0:20:54 > 0:20:59- That's a nasty eye.- I ran into the door of the linen cupboard.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Folded card is awfully good for that.
0:21:03 > 0:21:09- For a black eye?- No, for keeping the linen cupboard door shut.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12What you need is a hot onion.
0:21:12 > 0:21:17No, dear, that's for earache. No, mustard plaster's for earache.
0:21:17 > 0:21:23No, darling, that's for backache. It's confusing, isn't it?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26It is, rather. Go and have a drink.
0:21:26 > 0:21:32- Hello.- Mr Mainwaring, isn't it time we had a dance?- Yes, I'll tell Jones.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Jones, start the dancing.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Wait, sir. My consort's just arrived.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Mr Jones and Mrs Prosser!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Good evening, Captain.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Mrs Prosser, how do you do?
0:21:47 > 0:21:52My dear, I've got to get along. Mr Mainwaring will look after you.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- Give us a ta-ra.- Right.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03DRUM-ROLL AND TA-RA
0:22:03 > 0:22:08- One, two, three. Is it on? - SCREECHING FEEDBACK
0:22:08 > 0:22:14Jonesy, Jonesy, don't do that! It's not a barometer, it's a microphone.
0:22:14 > 0:22:21- Ladies and gentlemen, take your partners for the quickstep! - BAND STARTS UP
0:22:21 > 0:22:25Now the fun starts. Here comes Pikey.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32Mr Mainwaring, I'd like to introduce my fiancee, Violet Gibbons.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35How do you do? I knew your mother.
0:22:35 > 0:22:41- Who's that with Frank?- Forget about them. We've got each other.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Arthur, I'm having none of that.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49- Well done, Mr Wilson.- I can't keep it up all night, Walker.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Er, this is Mrs Prosser...
0:23:05 > 0:23:11Arthur, I shall have to sit down. That's ten dances without a break.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16- I could go on all night, Mavis. - Oh, Arthur! That's not like you.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21I'll make my announcement now. No, the amplifier's packed up.
0:23:21 > 0:23:26You switched it off. Belt up! How dare you?!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Turn it up nice and loud. No, Pikey!
0:23:29 > 0:23:36Jonesy has an announcement. What's he going to announce? His cabaret.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41- Mr Mainwaring says I shouldn't. - He's changed his mind. Hang on.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Ladies and gentlemen...
0:23:44 > 0:23:52Cabaret comes to Walmington-on-Sea. With his famous impersonations of stars of stage, screen and radio,
0:23:52 > 0:23:56the one and only Jolly Jack Jones!
0:23:59 > 0:24:04- #- Corporal Jones is on the air Oh, can't you hear the chimes?
0:24:04 > 0:24:08- #- They're telling you to take an easy chair
0:24:08 > 0:24:13- #- When sitting in the dance hall Take out your Radio Times
0:24:13 > 0:24:17- #- Cpl Jones at 8 is on the air!- #
0:24:19 > 0:24:24Here are a few impersonations of well-known wireless personalities.
0:24:24 > 0:24:32And who do we see coming along here but our old friend, that good chap, big-hearted Arthur Askey!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Ho-ho, ho-ho-ho, ho-ho!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Hello, playmates! Hello, playmates!
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Ho-ho! I theng yow, I theng yow.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49And now, who else do we see coming down the road?
0:24:49 > 0:24:56It's a well-known chap we all like. Jolly Jack Warner, with his bicycle and his little girl.
0:24:56 > 0:25:01- Oh, little girl... - TA-RA FROM BAND - Not yet, not yet!
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Mind my bike, mind my bike.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- Hup and dahn the railway line. - TA-RA !!
0:25:11 > 0:25:16For a grand finale, I give you that Hollywood man, George Arliss,
0:25:16 > 0:25:21in that well-known Hollywood film, The House Of Rothschild.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31APPLAUSE
0:25:33 > 0:25:41Well, Count Legranz, have you decided to accept the offer of the House of Rothschild?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44You refuse?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Very well, Count Legranz.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51But before I go, one word of warning.
0:25:53 > 0:26:01Remember that those who dig graves for others usually finish by sleeping in those graves themselves.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Goodnight, Count Legranz.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07And thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:26:13 > 0:26:18- Jonesy, go and do Charles Laughton. - I don't do Charles Laughton.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Do Freddie Bartholomew. Too late!
0:26:21 > 0:26:27I'd like to make an announcement, since you're all gathered here tonight.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30I'd like to introduce...
0:26:30 > 0:26:37# 'Was it all a dream, a joy supreme That came to us in the gloom?
0:26:37 > 0:26:42# 'You know it isn't a dream...' #
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Oh, hello, Wilson.
0:26:59 > 0:27:05- I didn't realise you were... you were still here.- Good heavens!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Did you get locked out, too, sir?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Oh, no, no. Not at all.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14Elizabeth's very absent-minded, you know.
0:27:14 > 0:27:19She probably put the catch on, not realising that I was in...out.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27- Hello, Uncle, Mr Mainwaring. - Hello, Frank.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- Couldn't you get in, either?- No.
0:27:30 > 0:27:36Mum threw a bucket of water over me. That's what she does to the cat.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39It's supposed to cool their ardour.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43Yes, well, it certainly does that, Uncle.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47I don't think I'll get married.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49- Very wise, Frank.- I- never did.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56It was a super dance, Mr Mainwaring.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- Yes, very good.- Yes...
0:27:59 > 0:28:06It was pity Fraser hit the Verger over the head with that altar candle.
0:28:06 > 0:28:13It started when Jonesy stuffed that maid of honour down Mrs Verger's dress,
0:28:13 > 0:28:15shouting, "Coals for Newcastle!"
0:28:25 > 0:28:31Walker had no business to take those two girls down into the crypt, you know.
0:28:31 > 0:28:39The Vicar will be very distressed about that. That sort of thing leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Still, it was a good dance.
0:28:42 > 0:28:50Oh, I think we should have these...these get-togethers on an occasion, occasionally.
0:28:50 > 0:28:57Helps our wives and sweethearts to think that we're all pulling...pulling...
0:28:57 > 0:29:00- In opposite directions.- Yes.
0:29:51 > 0:29:55Subtitles by John Macdonald BBC Scotland 1992