0:00:03 > 0:00:08# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game,
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# We are the boys who will make you think again.
0:00:22 > 0:00:27# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# If you think old England's done?
0:00:32 > 0:00:37# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,
0:00:37 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun.
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:46 > 0:00:51# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:54 > 0:00:59GERMAN ACCENT: Follow telegraph poles. Look out for main road.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Turn right. Carry on until road forks.
0:01:03 > 0:01:08Bear left. Stop and look for signal west-nor'west.
0:01:08 > 0:01:15- The woman's name? - Fraulein T. The password is "Ich weiss nicht, was soll es bedeuten."
0:01:17 > 0:01:20What are you two smiling at?
0:01:20 > 0:01:24You'll be the only girl in Berlin.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28It's ever so romantic, don't you think, Arthur?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Yes... Yes, I do.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33SPEECH INAUDIBLE
0:01:34 > 0:01:42- In a way, he's rather like you, Arthur. Strong. Masterful. - Oh, really? Do you think so?
0:01:45 > 0:01:50- Who is this chap? Some sort of foreigner?- Yes, yes.
0:01:50 > 0:01:55Disgraceful. Why couldn't they have got a British chap to act the part?
0:01:58 > 0:02:03Did you see the way he held her in his arms?
0:02:05 > 0:02:10Frank! Take your thumb out of your mouth! Sorry, Mum.
0:02:19 > 0:02:26I say, do you mind sitting up? Do you mind sitting up? I can't see the screen.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37- Sssh!- What's the matter? - It's Mr Mainwaring!- Ohh!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Sssh! Don't turn round!
0:02:40 > 0:02:47Disgraceful, the way people behave in cinemas. Isn't it, Wilson? Wilson!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Yes. Yes it is, yes.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I find all this very embarrassing.
0:03:04 > 0:03:09I usually sit in the two-and-threepennies.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13You have to take what seats you can, in war-time.
0:03:13 > 0:03:21- This war's an excuse for anything. This cinema's like a bacchanalian orgy!- It's not as bad as all that.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26Morals have gone to pieces. There's far too much permissiveness.
0:03:27 > 0:03:35I'll be glad when this war's over and people stop doing this sort of thing. I'm glad my wife isn't here.
0:03:35 > 0:03:41- Why couldn't she come tonight? - She's not keen on the talkies. - Why not?
0:03:41 > 0:03:49When Al Jolson first opened his mouth and said, "You ain't heard nothing yet", she got a headache.
0:03:49 > 0:03:54- She hasn't been to the cinema since. - But that was twelve years ago!
0:03:54 > 0:03:57She's not a great one for change.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Mum. Mmm? That's Mr Jones.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08He's in front of Mr Mainwaring. No!
0:04:08 > 0:04:11It can't be! It IS.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Mr Mainwaring! Frank!
0:04:18 > 0:04:23I think that's Mr Jones over there in front of you.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30That you, Jones?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Oh, hello, Mr Mainwaring.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38This is a friend of mine. This is, um, Mrs Fox.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- Hello.- Good evening.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- She's a widow, you know.- Really?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49SOUNDTRACK STARTS
0:04:49 > 0:04:57This is the Gaumont British News, presenting the truth to the free peoples of the world. >
0:04:57 > 0:05:00STIRRING MUSIC
0:05:00 > 0:05:09It's a busy day for Mr Churchill. At 10 o'clock he inspects units of the fleet somewhere in England.
0:05:09 > 0:05:15At 11 o'clock, he gives a cheery smile to our gallant Czech allies.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Hello, what's this that's caught his eye?
0:05:20 > 0:05:25It's their regimental mascot. He can't wait to have a go at Adolf!
0:05:25 > 0:05:30- Did you see that magnificent ram? - Yes - it's awfully nice.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35- That gives me an idea. - Oh, lord, no, sir! No!
0:05:35 > 0:05:42Oh. I'll tell you later. Come on. Report for duty. Come on, Frank. That applies to you too, Walker.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45I haven't seen the Donald Duck yet.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Your scarf, Frank!
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Now, pay attention.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Last night, I went to the cinema.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58I saw something that made me think.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- Permission to speak, sir?- Yes?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04That lady and I are just good friends.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08I'm not talking about YOU. I mean the ram.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12What's the difference?
0:06:12 > 0:06:16The regimental mascot that we saw in the newsreel.
0:06:16 > 0:06:23As you know, on Sunday morning, there's a parade of all the civil defence units and home guard units,
0:06:23 > 0:06:27for the start of Spitfire Fund Week. We'll be leading it.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32It might be a good idea if WE had a mascot.
0:06:32 > 0:06:37I'm not sure what sort of mascot. I'm going to let you think about it.
0:06:37 > 0:06:45- Permission to speak, sir?- Yes. - In days gone by, ships used to have a painted lady for their mascot.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Yes.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I was thinking of something live.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Couldn't we have a live painted lady?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Just be quiet for a moment, please.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00I've got a white mouse.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Stupid boy!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I've got a very large pussy-cat.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12Yes. Right. I appreciate your suggestion, Godfrey, but er...
0:07:12 > 0:07:17We might find it a little difficult to make a pussy-cat march smartly.
0:07:17 > 0:07:24It's just occured to me, sir - perhaps we could use a ram ourselves.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29Private Sponge here is a farmer. Maybe he could help us.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Rams are funny-tempered at this time of year.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39Why are they funny-tempered at this time of year?
0:07:39 > 0:07:45Well, like the man said, it's...er...the time of year. The time of year.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49What time of year?
0:07:49 > 0:07:54- The time when they're after... - Yes, all right, all right.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Don't you tell this boy anything?
0:07:57 > 0:08:03- Um...- I take it, Private Sponge, that you'll lend us one of your rams?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06If you can catch one, you're welcome.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Nonsense. One section should do it.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- Go and see to Mr Hodges.- Yes, sir.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Can I... Can I help you at all?
0:08:17 > 0:08:23- Is Napoleon busy?- Yes, he's trying to find a way to catch a ram.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25That'll help the war effort (!)
0:08:25 > 0:08:31- We'd like to walk behind the ram at the parade.- Like sheep, you mean?
0:08:33 > 0:08:38- What is it, warden?- Can I have a private word about the parade?
0:08:38 > 0:08:45- We've no secrets here.- Right. Here's the plan. You're at the back.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Don't be absurd. We are LEADING the procession.
0:08:51 > 0:08:59- I've made the decision. You're at the back.- I talked to Councillor Conway about it at the Rotary luncheon.
0:08:59 > 0:09:08- Don't you come that class distinction stuff!- I'll be marching with the ram at the front.- That's up to you (!)
0:09:08 > 0:09:16- We have a mascot.- I don't care if you've got a dove-cote.- Why did you think YOU'd be leading the parade?
0:09:16 > 0:09:21Alphabetical order. ARP - Home Guard. A comes before H, don't it? Look.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26First the Sea Scouts Band, then us - the ARP, then the nurses,
0:09:26 > 0:09:31then the rescue service, the ATC, then the Fire service, F, you see,
0:09:31 > 0:09:37- G, H, H for Home Guard, that's you, you're last.- Don't be ridiculous.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42How can the nurses and rescue come before us? N and R come after H.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45No - Auxiliary Nurses and Auxiliary Rescue.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49A comes before H.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53- We're Army. That's an A. - You're not proper army.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57We're auxiliary army. That puts us even further in front.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02- How can you be auxiliary army? - It's simple.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06We're army, he's ARP. That's two A's, so we're level.
0:10:06 > 0:10:14The second letter of Army is R, and we take the second letter of ARP, which is R,
0:10:14 > 0:10:16so that we're still level.
0:10:16 > 0:10:23- Then we take the third letter which is er...- M, which comes before P. So we're first.
0:10:23 > 0:10:29So there you are. If you want it in alphabetical order, WE are first.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34We'll see about THAT! THEY WHISTLE "LAUREL AND HARDY" THEME
0:10:38 > 0:10:41THEY JEER
0:10:41 > 0:10:46- First round to us, I think! - I think so too, sir.- Right!
0:10:46 > 0:10:54Number One Section will parade here at six tomorrow evening, to march to Sponge's farm to catch a ram.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- Dismiss the parade.- Dismiss!
0:11:00 > 0:11:05# If you go down in the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise... #
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Ssh! Not a sound!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11# If you go down in the woods today, you'd better go in disguise. #
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Magnificent animal!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Down!
0:11:17 > 0:11:23I don't think that ram's going to like the idea of being caught, sir.
0:11:23 > 0:11:29Don't be a pessimist, Wilson. Frazer's an expert at field-craft.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33I saw them do this in "The Last of the Mohicans".
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Gary Cooper.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Right. Stand up and expose yourself.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54We've got to make the ram think we're perfectly normal.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58 That's going to be a bit difficult.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03He's got to accept us as part of the landscape.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Spread yourselves out, and slowly encircle him.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12# There's lots of marvellous things to eat... #
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- We won't interfere unless it's necessary.- No, sir.
0:12:16 > 0:12:21- Why, sir, I do believe you like butter!- Don't be ridiculous.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28# ..Picnic time for teddy-bears,
0:12:28 > 0:12:33# The little teddy-bears are having a lovely time today.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38# Watch them, catch them unawares... #
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Oh dear. He looks awfully fierce.
0:12:41 > 0:12:47# See them picnic on their holiday. See them gaily gad about,
0:12:49 > 0:12:54# They love to sing and shout, they never have any cares. #
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Right. Come on Wilson.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Pity. It was rather nice here.
0:12:59 > 0:13:05# ..Because they're tired little teddy-bears. #
0:13:26 > 0:13:31- Stop!- What is it?- Mr Mainwaring, permission to stop panicking, sir?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34He's not chasing us any more.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- Where is he?- Down by the river. - Get after him!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- BREATHLESS: - You're all... out of condition.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Pike, keep it in sight, and we'll follow.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Gary Cooper! Whoooo!
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Ba-a-a! >
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Argh! >
0:14:13 > 0:14:18It's no use. We won't find it this way. We'll have to spread out.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Help! >
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- Help! > - Good Lord!
0:14:32 > 0:14:39- Help, Uncle Arthur, help!- Just keep still. Whatever you do, keep still.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Stop struggling!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Stop struggling!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Hold on! Your uncle's coming.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55Uncle!
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Hold on a moment, Mr Mainwaring!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Help! Help! >
0:15:01 > 0:15:04 What was that, Mr Mainwaring?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- Help!- Help!- >
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- There it goes again. Help!- Help!
0:15:08 > 0:15:14- Sounds like an echo. - It's coming from over there! - Quick! Come on!
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Help!
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Hang on! Ah, thank goodness you've come, sir.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I'm sinking, Mr Mainwaring.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Pike's in the bog! Don't panic! Don't panic!
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Be quiet, Corporal. All right, Pike! Hold on!
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- What about me, sir? - You'll just have to wait.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Why are you always so selfish?
0:15:57 > 0:16:03- We need something to pull him out with.- What about that notice-board?
0:16:04 > 0:16:10- Get it.- You shouldn't take that. It might be important.- Nonsense.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14What does it say?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Right! Grab hold of this!
0:16:27 > 0:16:29I can't reach it, Mr Mainwaring!
0:16:31 > 0:16:34We'll have to get something else.
0:16:34 > 0:16:41- What about a rope, sir? - By the time we'd got a rope, it would be too late.- Oh, no!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- <- Excuse me, sir.- Wait your turn!
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- I was going to suggest a way to help Frank.- What?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51If you don't want to hear... Ouch!
0:16:53 > 0:16:56This is no time to sulk. He's sinking!
0:16:56 > 0:17:02If you lay your jackets on top of the bog... Ouch...!
0:17:02 > 0:17:07- One of you might be able to reach him.- Yes. Good thinking.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Take your coats off, you men.
0:17:24 > 0:17:32- It's not enough.- I still say we ought to use the rope, sir!- Shut up, and take your trousers off.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34All of you take your trousers off.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43D'you want this, sir? It's very absorbent.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Yes, yes, anything!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- Right. Get down there, Sponge. - Must I?
0:17:50 > 0:17:58Do as you're told. If we hadn't been chasing your blasted ram, none of this would have happened!
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Hold my right hand, Frazer.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Walker! Hang on to Frazer!
0:18:07 > 0:18:10That's it! Right! Grab my hand!
0:18:12 > 0:18:19PIKE: I saw this happening in a Tarzan film once. Blokes trying to get a man out of a swamp.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22He got eaten by a crocodile!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Now hold my hand tightly! Heave!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Mr Mainwaring...
0:18:48 > 0:18:51..I'd like to thank you for saving my life.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Oh, nonsense!
0:18:55 > 0:19:03- Sir, could you spare a moment to get me free?- All right, Wilson, we'll be with you in a moment.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06FRAZER: Where's Jones?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09 I don't know. He was here before.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Mr Mainwaring, sir! Look!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- Get down and get him out.- Oh, Lord!
0:19:19 > 0:19:25FRAZER: Let me try, Mr Mainwaring! My arms are nae as short as yours.
0:19:29 > 0:19:35- Can you feel anything?- Nothing, Mr Mainwaring. Nothing at all.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Jones.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I don't believe it.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46I... I simply can't believe it.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I've got the rope, sir.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Put it round your neck!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04# Here comes the bogey-man,
0:20:04 > 0:20:08# Don't let him come too close to you, he'll catch you if he can,
0:20:08 > 0:20:12# Just pretend that you're a crocodile,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15# And you will find that bogeyman will run another mile. #
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Look at 'em! Look at 'em!
0:20:21 > 0:20:26There's the warden. No doubt he'll have some clever comment to make.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Ignore him. Smartly, now! March to attention!
0:20:30 > 0:20:33I'm going to enjoy this.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I'm going to enjoy this.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Are you all right, sir?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53You don't look well.
0:20:53 > 0:21:01I've waited for this moment, but now it's come, I can't think of anything to say.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04# Tomorrow's world belongs to you... #
0:21:04 > 0:21:10FRAZER: There's no doubt about it, that is a magnificent animal.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15WALKER: I said I'd get a mascot. There it is.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19It's not like the photograph.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22We could always tidy it up a bit.
0:21:22 > 0:21:28You told Mr Mainwaring it would be the same goat that was on the photograph.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31We'll have to make it look like it.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35How can we? The parade starts in 30 minutes!
0:21:35 > 0:21:41Got it! Listen, Spike! Go and get the horns off the wall in the vicar's office.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46My sister had her handbag eaten by a goat once.
0:21:46 > 0:21:54- You're not carrying a handbag, are you, Mr... - No, but they eat other things.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Oh, ta. Just what I want.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Right, come here, son.
0:22:15 > 0:22:22Hang on. We want a bit of fuse wire. Pikey, go and see if you can find some fuse wire.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28It's the warden! Hide the goat!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Where's Mr Mainwaring?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Hello, Verger! Joined up, have you?
0:22:38 > 0:22:44I am skipper of the Sea Scouts. My band is leading the parade.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47What are you doing with the vicar's horns?
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Ah! They fell off the wall, and I'm mending them.
0:22:52 > 0:22:59The vicar's not going to like this. He got them horns when he was a missionary.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Was he climbing out of the pot?
0:23:02 > 0:23:08Where's Captain Mainwaring? I wanted to tell him... What's that smell?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10What smell?
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- That horrible smell. - We can't smell anything.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18I shall have to report this to the vicar.
0:23:18 > 0:23:25Ah, Mr Mainwaring. I just wanted to tell you that my boys will be at the assembly point in half an hour.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Splendid, Verger. See you there.
0:23:28 > 0:23:33- I must talk to the vicar about that smell.- Very good.
0:23:37 > 0:23:42Good morning, men. As soon as the rest of the platoon arrives,
0:23:42 > 0:23:47we'll march to the station. Did you get the goat, Walker?
0:23:47 > 0:23:52- Er... Yes. Yes. - Good. Where is it, then?
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Well, it's er... It's there, sort of er...
0:24:02 > 0:24:05How dare you?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12I thought it might work.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17You told me you could get a goat! I paid £5!
0:24:17 > 0:24:20And then you turn up with this THING!
0:24:20 > 0:24:25Joe's really going to get a telling-off this time.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28You've ruined everything!
0:24:28 > 0:24:32I'm sorry, sir. Hang on. Here's your fiver back.
0:24:33 > 0:24:40- You know what this means? - Yes, sir.- No mascot! - It'll be a great relief, sir.
0:24:40 > 0:24:45How you could ever believe that this moth-eaten, wretched...
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Division, atten-shun!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Pull your sock up.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Atten-shun!
0:25:16 > 0:25:18At ease!
0:25:18 > 0:25:21As we wardens are leading the parade,
0:25:21 > 0:25:25it's up to us to be as smart as the Home Guard.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Here he comes. Atten-shun!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Forward turn! At ease!
0:25:48 > 0:25:50About turn!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Fall your boys in!- Aye-aye, sir!
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- What are you playing at? - Clear off!
0:26:13 > 0:26:18- The wardens are leading this parade! - The Home Guard are leading it!
0:26:18 > 0:26:25- Where's your mascot?- Never mind. Take up your position. - We'll see about that!
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Carry on!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Band, atten-shun!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Drummers ready!
0:26:44 > 0:26:48By the left, quick march!
0:26:53 > 0:26:56BAND PLAYS: "You're In The Army Now"
0:27:48 > 0:27:53Come on, lads! We'll show 'em who's going to lead the parade!
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Left! Right!
0:28:02 > 0:28:07Left! Left! Left! Left! Left, right, left, right, left!
0:28:07 > 0:28:12Left-right-left-right-left-right! Left-right-left!
0:28:12 > 0:28:15FAST: LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT!