0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# We are the boys who will make you think again,
0:00:22 > 0:00:26# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38# But he comes home each evening,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41# And he's ready with his gun
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:46 > 0:00:51# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:58 > 0:01:03Captain Mainwaring's platoon is late, Sergeant-major.
0:01:03 > 0:01:09They're using their own transport a van converted into an armoured car.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11How ingenious.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Yes, sir. They're very keen. A bit too keen if you ask me.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17You all right, sir? Hmm?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20It's this damned twitch.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23I've been at the explosives school for a year,
0:01:23 > 0:01:28and it wasn't until Home Guards came that I got this confounded twitch.
0:01:28 > 0:01:33- You need some leave, sir. - They have no idea of the danger.
0:01:33 > 0:01:39They're mad keen, charging about. One day they'll blow themselves sky high. I know it!
0:01:39 > 0:01:45Never mind, sir. They're the last lot. They'll soon be through the course.
0:01:45 > 0:01:50- Then you'll be able to sleep easy. - Well, roll on tomorrow night.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53HORN BEEPS
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Right, here we go.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Disembark! Come on, at the double.
0:02:00 > 0:02:06- This lot sound keener than usual. - Oh Lord! Go and look after them.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Right then. In here then, gentlemen.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Thank you, Sergeant-major.
0:02:12 > 0:02:19Captain Mainwaring, Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard, sir. Sergeant Wilson. Corporal Jones.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21We can't wait to get cracking.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25We haven't handled live grenades before.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Haven't you?!
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- I can't wait to get hold of them. - Neither can I.
0:02:32 > 0:02:38I don't know which I like best, the bayonet or the bomb. I'm fond of both.
0:02:38 > 0:02:45I like Mills bombs best. I've always wanted to meet Mr Mills. He was a very clever man.
0:02:45 > 0:02:51In 1916 in France, I used to lob those bombs over. Pin out, over! BANG!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Over! BANG!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55They called me the mad bomber.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59I'm not mad really. I'm as sane as you are.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Oh, really!
0:03:02 > 0:03:07If you'll excuse me, I've got a lot to do. Make yourselves comfortable.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11He's a bit historical, isn't he, sir?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Yes. Let's go and get our bedding.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17I think Pike is bringing my stuff in, sir.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22- We can't have anybody waiting on us in this platoon, Wilson.- No.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26This unit eats, sleeps and fights together. Rank doesn't count.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Here's your bedding, Uncle Arthur.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34Pike, in future you will not wait on Sgt Wilson. We're all equal here.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Shall I take it out again?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Frank, don't be absurd. Put it down.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43- Mum says don't walk on it. She doesn't want marks.- All right!
0:03:49 > 0:03:52We haven't got to sleep on the ground?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55It's that or stand up all night.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57It won't do my rheumatics any good.
0:03:57 > 0:04:02Don't be so feely-wally. It will make your back go straight.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06It's already decided which way it wants to go.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10In here, Sponge, Hastings.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- Uncle Arthur?- What is it? - Have you seen Mr Snuggly?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Mr Who?
0:04:17 > 0:04:21- Mr Snuggly, my teddy. - No, I haven't.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- Mum said she'd put him in. - I haven't got him.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32- I can't sleep without him. - I haven't seen him.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- Have a look in your bed.- All right.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39- Ah, yes. Here he is. - Don't let anybody see him!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41But you wanted him!
0:04:41 > 0:04:49- If they see him, they'll laugh at me. Wrap him up and hand him over. - All right.- What's that, Wilson?
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Er, Mr...
0:04:55 > 0:04:57..Mr Snuggly.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00What?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03He's my... My bear. My, er...
0:05:04 > 0:05:08..My teddy bear. I can't get off without him.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Extraordinary!
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Thank you, Uncle Arthur.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21- What are you doing, Jonesy? - Making me bed.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23You gonna grow strawberries in it?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Course not.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30- What you got that net on it for? - It's a mosquito net.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34There's no mosquitoes here, you silly old duffer.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38It goes with the bag. We've been together 50 years.
0:05:38 > 0:05:45- # It don't seem a day too much...# - You can laugh, but it kept out more than mosquitos in the Sudan.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48It kept out snakes an' all.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Snakes tried to get in your bed?!
0:05:50 > 0:05:58Yeah, snakes. It's cold in the desert and them snakes used to come and try to snuggle in beside you.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Ugh!
0:06:00 > 0:06:04They're not cold and slimy, snakes, you know.
0:06:04 > 0:06:11They're all warm and soft. One used to come round every night, round my tent and my net.
0:06:11 > 0:06:19What did I call him? Oh yeah, Charlie. His little face used to look in with a pathetic look,
0:06:19 > 0:06:26as if to say, "I'm cold. Let me in." But I never did. I don't like that sort of thing, you know.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- Everything all right? - We're settling in, thank you.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- Good, good. Where are you sleeping? - Here.- What...?
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- You're not sleeping with the men? - Yes.
0:06:41 > 0:06:46- My dear fellow. Can't have that. Bad for discipline.- You really think so?
0:06:46 > 0:06:51Definitely, old boy. It's not on. We officers must stick together.
0:06:51 > 0:06:56- I usually muck in with my chaps. - It's a mistake, a mistake.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Oh, no. Where will it all end?
0:06:58 > 0:07:05Take a tip from me, rig up quarters for yourself and your sergeant, eh? Ha-ha! I'll see later, right?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- Right. - MESS BELL RINGS
0:07:08 > 0:07:10< Come and get it!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- I'm famished. - Wilson.- What is it, sir?
0:07:13 > 0:07:21- Wait till they've gone.- I'd like some food myself, sir.- It can wait. This is important.- What is, sir?
0:07:21 > 0:07:25I, er...I think you and I had better sleep together.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- Together?- Away from the others.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I'm sorry, I don't quite follow you.
0:07:33 > 0:07:41- Look here, I've decided it's bad for discipline to sleep with the ORs.- ORs?- The other ranks.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45But you said we'd eat, sleep and fight together!
0:07:45 > 0:07:48From now on we just eat and fight together.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Give me a hand, will you?- Of course.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59That was a wizard tea.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01You're right, it was'nae half bad.
0:08:01 > 0:08:07They're doing their best to make us comfortable. That seed-cake was nice.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10If I eat caraway seeds, I get indigestion.
0:08:10 > 0:08:16So why did you keep a bit? I thought I'd pick the seeds out.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Silly old fool.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Hello-o-o! What's this?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30"Officers and sergeants only."
0:08:30 > 0:08:34God! I wonder why Mr Mainwaring's done that?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Obvious! He's got ideas above his station.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40He really thinks he is an officer.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44He is. He deserves a little privacy.
0:08:44 > 0:08:51Rubbish! Rubbish! We're a civilian army and he's only holding a wartime commission.
0:08:51 > 0:08:57Come on, Jonesy. Hey boys, come and look at this! Ha!
0:08:57 > 0:09:01"Officers and sergeants only." That's a bit strong!
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Mr Mainwaring usually mucks in with all of us.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Well, chaps. Have a nice tea?
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Hmm, I think we'll be comfortable here.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19I've got some gramophone records. Any requests?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24What about, "Don't Fence Me In"?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I haven't got that one, Frazer.
0:09:32 > 0:09:37'Ere, Sergeant, why's Mr Mainwaring gone all toffee-nosed?
0:09:37 > 0:09:44I think he got the impression that it was bad for discipline for us to sleep with the ORs.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Eh?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Well, the...other ranks.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- Oh, other... Other ranks.- ORs.- Yes.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- Sergeant Wilson?- Yes.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Come in here, will you? I want you to wind the gramophone.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Get away, boy.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Right, sir.
0:10:03 > 0:10:08- What's wrong with Frazer? - Nothing as far as I know, sir.
0:10:08 > 0:10:15- His manners are downright rude and he's upsetting the others. - Why do you say that?
0:10:15 > 0:10:22I've detected a distinct change in the atmosphere. The men are sullen. I'm sensitive to these things.
0:10:22 > 0:10:29- Perhaps you've upset them? - Absurd! We've hardly spoken since getting here. Frazer...
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Do you think he's a communist?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Why do you say that, sir?
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Well, he has the look of a communist about him to me.
0:10:42 > 0:10:48I've noticed that when we're on night duty he never plays Monopoly.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Oh really, sir.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53You may laugh.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Pay attention!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57You're all off duty until lights out.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00There's a free issue of two pints of beer each.
0:11:00 > 0:11:07You can't have more because Captain Reed wants you to have a steady hand tomorrow.
0:11:07 > 0:11:13Sgt-Major, you can tell him not to worry. We'll be there bright and early, ready and steady.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16That should cheer him up no end.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20What did the Sgt-Major want?
0:11:20 > 0:11:24He says there's two free pints of beer for everyone.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Oh, splendid. We'll have a convivial evening.
0:11:28 > 0:11:35- There you are. How about coming to the mess for a drink?- What mess? - The officers' mess of course.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Oh, we were just off to the Naafi.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Oh, my hat! Come here.
0:11:42 > 0:11:49- You can have a drink with the men now and then, but don't overdo it. - We're only going for a pint or two.
0:11:49 > 0:11:57- The other officers are in the mess. If you don't turn up they'll think you're...odd.- Will they really?
0:11:57 > 0:12:02- I don't want that.- Of course not. - Hang on, I'll get my cap.- Good.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- I say, Wilson.- Yes.
0:12:07 > 0:12:14- Awful bore, but I've got to have a drink in the officers' mess. - Oh, what a shame (!)- Yes.
0:12:14 > 0:12:21- You won't be coming with us then? - I'm afraid I won't. If I don't go, they'll think I'm odd.
0:12:21 > 0:12:27- You understand, don't you?- Of course I do. You don't want to look odd.- No.
0:12:31 > 0:12:36I'd ask you to come with us, but... officers only, you know.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- See the chaps have a good time. - Yes.- Have you seen my cap?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Stupid boy!
0:12:58 > 0:13:03Well, have a good time, chaps, and don't do anything I wouldn't do.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06CAPTAIN SQUARE: Come on, MAIN-WEARING.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10..And it was hanging out of the window.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16Hello, hello. Let me introduce you. MAIN-WEARING, Walmington-on-sea...
0:13:16 > 0:13:20..Pritchard, HQ and Ashley-Jones, Dimwich Platoon.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Take your belt off, old boy. Ha-ha!
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Same again, what? Three whiskies, please.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- And you MAIN-WEARING? - A sweet sherry, please.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Sweet sherry?!
0:13:33 > 0:13:35We only have whisky, sir.
0:13:35 > 0:13:40Damn glad to have it too! Make it four large ones. Right, sir.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43I don't think I can manage whisky.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48- You do drink?- I have an odd beer or sherry now and then.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51A spot of whisky won't hurt. Sit down.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55You should drink it when you can, MAIN-WEARING.
0:13:55 > 0:14:00- There I go calling you MAIN-WEARING. You say Mainwaring, don't you?- Yes.
0:14:00 > 0:14:07I knew a chap in India. Called himself Chumley, spelt his name Cholmondeley. Absolute idiot.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14We used to call him Chilly Mushrooms.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Oh, Chilly Mushrooms! Ha-ha-ha!
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I say, how frightfully amusing.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Ha-ha! Chilly mushrooms!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Thank you, dear boy. Thank you.
0:14:24 > 0:14:29- Cheers everybody! So sorry... Cheers, cheers.- Cheers.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Cheers.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41ALL: Cheers.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47This is the end.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Eh?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I said, "This is the end."
0:14:50 > 0:14:54No, it isn't. I've got another full bottle.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57As soon as I get back, I'm resigning.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00You can't. Your country needs you.
0:15:00 > 0:15:05I'll be there when I'm needed, but not under Captain Mainwaring.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- Uncle Arthur?- What is it, Frank?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14SLURRED: Would you like to finish my beer?
0:15:15 > 0:15:20No, thank you. I'm not really in a drinking mood for some reason.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Captain Mainwaring isn't to blame.
0:15:23 > 0:15:30Captain Square led him astray. As an old platoon member, Mr Frazer, you should give him another chance.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32You silly old fool.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36There's no need to talk to Godfrey like that.
0:15:36 > 0:15:41- Well, he is a silly old fool! Calling ME old!- Well, you are old.
0:15:41 > 0:15:48- Not as old as you, you silly old fool!- I'm not as old as you, you silly old fool. I'm not 60 yet.
0:15:48 > 0:15:55You told me you tried to relieve General Gordon from the mad Mahdi. You must be over 90.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I was a boy soldier.
0:16:00 > 0:16:05- What did they do, pin a medal on your napkin?- Walker!
0:16:05 > 0:16:11Ho-ho! Old Bungey rode his polo pony right through the mess. Ha-ha-ha!
0:16:11 > 0:16:16The punka-wallah went on pulling the punka with his foot. Ha-ha-ha!
0:16:16 > 0:16:20By Jove! What a night. Here you are, old boy.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24- No more for me. - Nonsense. You must keep up.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28What happened to old Bungey? Never saw him again.
0:16:28 > 0:16:33Oh, good chap. Good chap. You know what his trouble was?
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Couldn't leave the little brown girls alone.
0:16:40 > 0:16:47Ha-ha! I remember one night in the mess at Jabalpur, when we made him a cardinal!
0:16:47 > 0:16:50How did he take that? Like a lamb.
0:16:50 > 0:16:55Good heavens, I haven't seen anyone made a cardinal in years.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58How do you make someone a cardinal?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01It's a ceremony we used to go through.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- What happens? - Why? Do you want to be one?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I might.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11It's fine for us, but you might find it a bit much.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I don't see why I should.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I'd like to be made a cardinal.
0:17:16 > 0:17:21What? What? Huh-huh! Well, shall we make him one, boys?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Hmm! All right, then. Here we go.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35I'll put you in the picture, so you see how it goes. It goes like this
0:17:35 > 0:17:40here's to the health of Cardinal Puff for the first time.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45You tap the table once with the first fingers of your right and left hand.
0:17:45 > 0:17:51You stamp your feet once, bang the glass on the table and take one drink.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff Puff for the second time.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58You tap the table
0:17:58 > 0:18:03with the first two fingers of your right and left hand twice.
0:18:03 > 0:18:10You stamp your feet twice. You bang the glass on the table twice and take two drinks.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- Ha-ha-ha! - Ah!
0:18:13 > 0:18:19Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff Puff Puff for the third and last time.
0:18:19 > 0:18:27You tap the table with the first, second, third fingers of your right hand thrice
0:18:27 > 0:18:32and with your left hand thrice. You stamp your right foot thrice
0:18:32 > 0:18:36and your left foot thrice. One, two, three.
0:18:36 > 0:18:42You bang the glass thrice and take three drinks! Have you got that?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Not quite.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50I'll go through it again. Here's to the health...
0:18:50 > 0:18:57..So this commercial traveller, he says to the landlady... Ha-ha-ha!
0:18:57 > 0:19:02He says to the landlady, "I'm sorry, madam, but I..." No, wait a minute.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07He says, "I'm sorry, I do not work between Mondays and Fridays." Haha!
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Well, I thought it was funny.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Hey, I know some jokes.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18(God's sake.)
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Listen, I've got tuppence in that hand.
0:19:21 > 0:19:26And I've got tuppence in that hand. How much have I got?
0:19:26 > 0:19:31- Fourpence.- No, wrong. Sixpence. I've got tuppence in me pocket.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37Three tomatoes going across the desert. Which one's the cowboy?
0:19:37 > 0:19:38No idea.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41None of them. They're all redskins.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46- Here's another.- Oh! - No, come on listen.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Why did the submarine blush?
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- Why did the submarine blush? - Don't nudge me.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- Give up?- Yes. - Cos it saw Queen Mary's bottom.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00I don't think Queen Mary would like that.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Sorry, Uncle Arthur.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13..And you bang the glass on the table three times and take three drinks.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Now do you see it?
0:20:15 > 0:20:20- Yes, I think I've got it. - Splendid. Let's have a go.
0:20:20 > 0:20:26If you go wrong, you've got to drain the glass and go right back to the beginning.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- Right.- Good luck.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff for the first time.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36WRONG!
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- You didn't bang the glass. Start again. - I'm so sorry.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47Here's to... Drain the glass, old boy!
0:20:53 > 0:20:54There we go.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Just listen to them, will you?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02It's a disgrace, a perfect disgrace.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I don't know what's come over Captain Mainwaring.
0:21:05 > 0:21:12When I was out in the Sudan there was some terrible carryings-on in the officers' mess.
0:21:12 > 0:21:19But I tell you one thing, if you drank too much in that heat it turned you into a gibbering idiot.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24You must have knocked a bit back!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Ha-ha-ha!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- SLURRING: - Here...
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Here's to the health...
0:21:42 > 0:21:44..of Cardinal Puff Puff...
0:21:44 > 0:21:48- ..Puff Puff. - ALL TOGETHER: WRONG!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- Ha-ha-ha! - What was it...? What was wrong?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Puff Puff Puff Puff! Ha-ha!
0:21:56 > 0:21:59What's... What's wrong with that?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- Wrong with what? - Puff Puff Puff Puff.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Too many Puffs.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08You're absolutely right.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14I should have said...huh!..
0:22:14 > 0:22:19"Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff Puff Puff."
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Not Cardinal Puff Puff Puff Puff.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Well?- Start again, start again.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Here's...
0:22:26 > 0:22:32..to the h-health... Here's to the health of the Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34THEY LAUGH
0:22:38 > 0:22:41What's that got to do with it?
0:22:41 > 0:22:45It's all the same thing. It's all religious.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47It's the wrong denomination.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Wrong denomination?
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Yes, RC. We want it C of E.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Yes.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- Right. - Start again.
0:23:00 > 0:23:05Here's to the health of the Duchess of York...
0:23:05 > 0:23:10..who's a friend of Cardinal Puff Puff Puff Puff.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Wrong! Wrong! Ha-ha!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Start again.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19- Here's to... Here's... Oh! - Start again.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Drain the glass.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- I'll drain the bloody glass. - Ah-ha-ha-ha!
0:23:31 > 0:23:34SOMEONE SINGS DRUNKENLY
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Shhh...
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Damn revolving doors.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Sorry.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Gotcha! I've got him! I've got him! I've got the intruder!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I've got him. I've got him. I've got...
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring, I thought you was a thuggee.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53No, you're quite mistaken, Colonel.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57I'm Cardinal Puff Puff Puff...hic... ..Puff.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- Bless you, sir. - Thank you, very much.
0:25:05 > 0:25:12Let's see. The Eastgate, Walmington and Dimwich Platoons have all thrown one grenade each.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15TWO EXPLOSIONS
0:25:15 > 0:25:18What was that? Two went off at once.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22It's Sgt Williams finishing the Walmington Platoon quickly.
0:25:22 > 0:25:29If he's not careful they'll finish him quickly. Mad the lot, especially that lunatic lance corporal.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30GROANING What's that?
0:25:30 > 0:25:37- Are you all right, Captain Mainwaring? You look ill. - What time is it?
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Eleven-thirty.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Where are my... Oh! Where are my men?
0:25:42 > 0:25:47On the bombing range. I'm giving a lecture on sticky bombs.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Oh good. I'll come with you.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54- Are you sure you feel up to it? - Of course.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58I wouldn't miss the bombing for anything. Carry on.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08GRENADE EXPLODES
0:26:08 > 0:26:12..And that covers the main nine points of the sticky bomb.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Are there any questions?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Carry on, Sgt-Major. Sir.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Right, now! >
0:26:22 > 0:26:24That is a Nazi's tank, there!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Line up! You're first, Sergeant.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- Oh, yes. Do you mind giving me a hand?- Oh!- Thanks.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38You walk smartly up to the tank don't run.
0:26:38 > 0:26:45Pull the pin out, the cover falls off, and press the bomb to the side of the tank, to which it will adhere.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49- You then have 15 seconds to get clear.- Oh yes?!
0:26:49 > 0:26:54- DON'T pull the pin out!- All right. All right. I wasn't going to.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00All of you go with him to get the hang of it.
0:27:00 > 0:27:07And don't run! Understand? DON'T RUN! We don't want to attract the enemy's attention,
0:27:07 > 0:27:14and you don't want to fall over and blow yourselves up. Ha-ha-ha! Right. Off you go!
0:27:14 > 0:27:15BLOWS WHISTLE
0:27:16 > 0:27:24Left, right. Left, right. Left, right.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Turn! Don't run. >
0:27:26 > 0:27:27DON'T RUN! >
0:27:27 > 0:27:28One. >
0:27:28 > 0:27:29Two. >
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Three. >
0:27:30 > 0:27:31Four. >
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Five, six.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36< Seven. Right, DOWN!!
0:27:38 > 0:27:39EXPLOSION
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Right, Corporal, you're next.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52- Whatever you do, DON'T RUN! Understand! - Yes, sir.
0:27:52 > 0:27:57- I shall assume a nonchalant manner. - Get on with it, Jones.
0:28:00 > 0:28:05WHISTLE BLOWS < Left, right. Left, right.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09Left, right. Left, right. > Left, right. Left, right.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10Turn! >
0:28:12 > 0:28:14ALL: RUN!! RUN!!
0:28:14 > 0:28:15INAUDIBLE
0:28:19 > 0:28:20EXPLOSION
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Oh!
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Right! BANG!
0:28:36 > 0:28:38BOOM!
0:28:38 > 0:28:42Right, take it steady. And don't fire till I say.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Right!
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Fire! BANG! BOOM!
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Not bad.
0:28:55 > 0:28:56Next!
0:28:58 > 0:29:00We've nearly finished, Jones.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Jones! Jones!
0:29:04 > 0:29:09We've nearly finished now. You can move the van when I give the signal.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12- Right, sir.- I'll bang on the back.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15You'll bang on the back, sir.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17You ready, lad? Yes, sir.
0:29:19 > 0:29:20Fire!
0:29:20 > 0:29:22CLICKING
0:29:27 > 0:29:32I think it's broken. You left the safety-catch on. Let me do it.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38It still won't go, sir.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40BANG! Ooh!
0:29:49 > 0:29:53- There's no need to bang that loud! - ENGINE STARTS
0:29:55 > 0:29:56Blimey!
0:29:58 > 0:30:02- Hang on. - All right, Wilson. I'll handle it.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05CHASE MUSIC
0:30:11 > 0:30:14- #- In the meantime
0:30:14 > 0:30:17- #- Think of me do...
0:30:17 > 0:30:19- #- Cleaning my rifle
0:30:19 > 0:30:22- #- And dreaming of you...- #
0:30:22 > 0:30:24Jones! Jones!
0:30:29 > 0:30:32- #- La-la-la-la-la
0:30:32 > 0:30:35- #- And in the meantime
0:30:35 > 0:30:38- #- Think of me do...
0:30:43 > 0:30:46- #- Cleaning my rifle and thinking of you
0:30:46 > 0:30:49- #- La-la-la-la-la.- #
0:30:49 > 0:30:52- Jones!- Mr Mainwaring, how did you get there?
0:30:52 > 0:30:57- Quick, stop the van!- What? - There's a live grenade in the back.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59What's that? A live grenade.
0:30:59 > 0:31:03A LIVE GRENADE! DON'T PANIC! DON'T PANIC!!
0:31:05 > 0:31:08Stop it first, you idiot!
0:31:13 > 0:31:15Ooh!
0:31:24 > 0:31:29Jones! Take cover! That could blow up at any second. Down here.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36There are 200 grenades in that van.
0:31:36 > 0:31:41They'll wreck the power-station and put the whole county out of action.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44- Are you sure? - Of course I'm sure.
0:31:45 > 0:31:51- Come back, you fool! - Come back! Think of Mrs Mainwaring and the men.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54We'd rather not lose you, sir.
0:31:54 > 0:31:58CHASE MUSIC
0:32:12 > 0:32:13Got it!
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Oh! Well done, Mr Mainwaring!
0:32:31 > 0:32:34THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD
0:32:34 > 0:32:35Jolly good. Well done...
0:33:19 > 0:33:23Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd