0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run
0:00:11 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who'll stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:22 > 0:00:27# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21
0:00:36 > 0:00:40# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
0:00:40 > 0:00:45# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?
0:00:45 > 0:00:49# If you think Old England's done. #
0:00:53 > 0:00:55# A room with a view
0:00:55 > 0:00:57# And you
0:00:57 > 0:01:00# No-one to worry us No-one to hurry us
0:01:00 > 0:01:03# Through this dream we found
0:01:03 > 0:01:07# We'll bill and we'll coo. #
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Hello, sir. I wasn't expecting you till tomorrow morning.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16No, I didn't go to London after all.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Oh, really? Was the lodge meeting cancelled?
0:01:18 > 0:01:20No, but my wife didn't want to be left alone all night.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Oh, I see, yes, good.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- That's the trouble with women, quite a lot around.- Of course.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Yes. Time for parade?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Erm... Just about, sir, yes.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32There's no need for you to stay, you know, sir.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- After all, we weren't expecting you. - Oh, that's all right.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37You'll give them and half an hour's map reading
0:01:37 > 0:01:40and I'll give them 15 minutes' lecture on the future of the war.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44- I could do that for you, sir. - What do you know about the future of the war?
0:01:44 > 0:01:49Well, I could manage. You could run off home if you like, sir.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54- You trying to get rid of me? - Of course not, sir.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Hello, I didn't think you were going to be here, Mr Mainwaring.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Evidently not. Where's your uniform?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Me mum's put it in the wash tub.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07She's w...
0:02:07 > 0:02:08She's what?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- She said it smelled of bleach. - Of course it smells of bleach.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13That's the mustard gas treatment.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17She's in her cleaning mood. I'd go grab your bowler hat or she'll have that in the tub.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19< I don't want to hear it.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Get that uniform here by tomorrow night.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Yes, sir.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26TELEPHONE RINGS
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- See who that is.- Yes, of course.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Hello.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Wilson, Wilson.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38How many times do I have to tell you not to say "hello" on the telephone?
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Announce yourself, officially.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41This is HQ, Number One company, B platoon,
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Walmington-on-Sea, Home Guard. And you are Platoon Sergeant Wilson.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Right. This is HQ, Number One platoon, B company,
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Walmington-on-Sea, Home Guard.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53This is Platoon Sergeant Wilson speaking, yes.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Oh, hello!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00How awfully nice to hear from you again.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02It has been a long time, hasn't it?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05It really is ridiculous, yes. We must try to get together again soon.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Who is it? Who is it?
0:03:08 > 0:03:09It's your wife, sir.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Hello, Elizabeth.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Yeah.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24But I did get Empress her milk this morning.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Yes. I put her out.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Oh? No, of course I'm not mistaken. I remember distinctly, distinctly.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34She... She didn't particularly want to go.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43But I did. I shouted goodbye from the kitchen door, dear.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47You don't like me walking across the floor in my military boots.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50WILSON LAUGHS
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Just a moment.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53- Wilson.- Sir?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Go get the men on parade.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Right, sir, right. Yes. Yes.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Hello?
0:04:04 > 0:04:08No, I haven't seen Corporal Jones yet. But I will. All in good time.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12You must realise, dear, it's rather difficult asking
0:04:12 > 0:04:17for under-the-counter oxtail and trying to keep discipline in the platoon.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I think you're being a bit unreasonable if I may say...
0:04:20 > 0:04:21TAPPING ON PHONE
0:04:21 > 0:04:22GASPS
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Are the men ready for inspection?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Yes, sir, yes. One or two seem to be missing, though.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40- Call the roll.- Right, sir, right. Jones, would you do that?
0:04:40 > 0:04:44- Call the roll.- Right. Right.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Agnew? Not here. Hardcastle? Not here.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Godfrey? Not here.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Jones? Not h... Oh, yes.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Jones? Sir!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Jones, Jones! What's going on here?
0:04:58 > 0:05:03I'm afraid there's a slight touch of absenteeism, sir. Without leave.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04I should think there is.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07What's the explanation for this? Where is everybody?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Well, I... I'd...
0:05:09 > 0:05:10I'd rather not say, sir.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- What are you talking about? - Well, it would be sneaking.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Sneaking? I don't want any of that public school rubbish here.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21I demand to know the whereabouts of my troops.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24They're... They're in the pub, sir, playing darts.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- They're what?- In the pub playing darts, sir, against the ARP wardens.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- Did you give them permission? - I said I didn't think it was an awfully good idea,
0:05:34 > 0:05:39and if it was all the same to them, I would rather that they didn't.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44They thought they could get away with it, sir,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46but I knew your suspicions would be aroused
0:05:46 > 0:05:49as soon as you heard the words "fall in".
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- Thank you very much, Corporal. Go back to your place.- Very good, sir.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58This is absurd! The moment my back is t...
0:06:06 > 0:06:10I'm going to pretend that this parade was called for 10 minutes later.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13That gives you 10 minutes to get them back from the pub. All right?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- Yes.- Right. Off you go. Move.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Yes sir, all right.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- Wilson?- Yes.- I said move. - I am moving.- Well, move faster!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26I'm very glad to see you here, Pike.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Oh, me mum doesn't like me going into pubs.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Quite right.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34And you, Jones, I'm very glad to see that as usual you put duty first
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- and didn't join the team. - I wasn't picked.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Here we are. 47. Chalk it up, Mr Godfrey.
0:06:41 > 0:06:46That's 58 to the wardens and the Home Guard still on 301.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Cor blimey, isn't it about time folks got started?
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Oh, dear.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Come on, get a double or they'll whitewash us.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56You're putting me off.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Oh!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Do you want to do any better?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Would you like me to move the board a bit nearer for you?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Hello, Mav!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- You're late tonight, love.- Well, I had to get Frank off to his parade.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Arthur isn't here, is he?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14No, course not, he's minding the shop at the drill hall.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17What's all this about? What's Pikey's mum doing with a warden?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19How long's this been going on?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Dissipation is eating through the land like...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Like worms in a coffin lid.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- Could be interesting.- Yes.
0:07:29 > 0:07:35I think perhaps it wasn't quite such a good idea after all,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37you know, to miss the parade.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39You know what he gets like. He gets all...
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Hello, Mavis. What a surprise.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Yes, isn't it?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Yes, it is. I...
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Gin and tonic, here we are.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54And don't get all Nelly Dean like you did last week.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Excuse me, mate. Cor blimey, how do you do?
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Mavis, do you know this... This fellow?
0:08:02 > 0:08:08- He looks after me from time to time. - What? He looks after you?
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- Joe, you've got to help me. Tell him the drink came from you.- What for?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17If he finds out I've been going out with her he'll half kill me.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20No, Sergeant. He couldn't punch a hole in a new laid egg.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23- Couldn't he?- Ha!
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- Oi!- Are you talking to me?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Why did you come up here? You should be back in the hall playing soldiers.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32I came to fetch the men.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33They're not coming.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35There's two pints riding on this match and we're winning.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Go present your arms somewhere else.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- I don't think I like your tone. - Don't you? Well, try this one.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41BLOWS RASPERRY
0:08:44 > 0:08:48That's really rather vulgar, I think. Awful, that was.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I think you'd better come home with me.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Well, the gentleman's bought me a drink.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- I think I'd like to finish it if you don't mind.- All right, yes. Yes!
0:08:56 > 0:08:59If you wish, yes, I suppose.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Yes.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Yes, I suppose so. I'll see you later then, you fellas.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- Righto, Sergeant.- See you later.
0:09:06 > 0:09:12Good night. Good night, then. Right.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15That was interesting, wasn't it?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18To hell with a man that wouldn't fight for his woman.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- I saw him off all right, didn't I?- Yes.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25And we'll continue the game when your hands stop shaking.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Elizabeth?
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Er...
0:09:31 > 0:09:36I was just going to explain that when you slammed the receiver down.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38All right, well, you put the receiver down then.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40I haven't seen him yet, and I can't see him now
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- because I've got a disciplinary crisis on my shoulders. I... - TAPPING ON PHONE
0:09:49 > 0:09:53How long do you want the men to continue maintaining these weapons, sir?
0:09:53 > 0:09:54That's all right, stand down.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00- Jones.- Sir?- Jones, I wanted a little word with you.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Er...
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- Sit down, sit down.- Thank you, sir. Thank you.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I suppose being a butcher your business life is
0:10:10 > 0:10:12rather difficult at the moment, isn't it?
0:10:12 > 0:10:17Oh, it is, it is, sir. Everyone wants a bit under the counter.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Yes, I'm sure they do.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25If I could tell you some of the things that have been offered to me
0:10:25 > 0:10:26for a bit on the side...
0:10:27 > 0:10:30..it would make your hair stand on end.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Mind you, I couldn't take advantage of half of them.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Not even if I was so inclined.
0:10:42 > 0:10:47Well, as you know, I never ask any favours.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I don't quite follow you, sir.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Well, it's just this ridiculous urge that Mrs Mainwaring
0:10:53 > 0:10:59has conceived for oxtail. You know how women are from time to time.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02You mean like pickles?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Pickles?
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Yeah, for pickles.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I don't think I quite follow you.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12At certain times, ladies and women take a fancy to pickles.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Do they?
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Mrs Mainwaring doesn't want pickles, she wants oxtail.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19She shall have one, sir.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21We've got the finest oxtail in my cold room
0:11:21 > 0:11:23and I shall take it round to her personally.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25That's very kind of you. Thank you very much.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Well, I must say, this is a very exciting bit of news, sir.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33What is?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Well, you know, Mrs Mainwaring fancying a bit of oxtail,
0:11:36 > 0:11:37if you know what I mean.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Is it? I wouldn't say it was particularly exciting.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Well, it must be very unexpected.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47No, it's not really unexpected.
0:11:47 > 0:11:52It's just that this Mrs Mainwaring gets like that from time to time.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57Excuse me asking you, sir, but how is it you've never had any?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03I don't know, I suppose
0:12:03 > 0:12:05it's just that I've never wanted to ask for your help before.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11PHONE RINGS
0:12:13 > 0:12:16HQ... Elizabeth?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Yes, I've got very good news for you, my dear.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Yes, your troubles are over.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Mr Jones is going to deliver it himself.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31- Right, thank you very much.- Yes, thank you very much. Thank you, sir.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Ah, there you are. Right. Get the men on parade.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- What was that, sir? - I said, get the men on parade.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42The men? Oh, yes, the men, of course.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47Yes, well, I'm not sure that they are here yet.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Do you mean to say you came away without them?
0:12:49 > 0:12:54- I suppose I must have done. - Well, didn't you tell them?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Yes, I think so, yes, yes.- You think so? That's what you went for!
0:12:57 > 0:13:00This fellow, Hodges, this warden fellow, this Hodges man,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03keeps giving Mavis drinks and he said last week she was Nellie Dean.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I beg your pardon?
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Then he made a rude noise. He made a rude noise.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11I think your mind's wandering, Wilson.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16You let it dwell too much on unhealthy things.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21I'm going to give you one more chance to redeem yourself.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I'm going back there to that pub with you.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26And if we don't get those men back here, then you can consider
0:13:26 > 0:13:29yourself relieved of your command and under open arrest. Right?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Corporal Jones! You're coming with us to the public house.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Oh, thank you very much, sir.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44It could well be that destiny is moving in your direction.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51- Look who's coming!- Oh, I'm just about in the mood for him.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Look here, Napoleon, if you've come here to break up the game,
0:13:54 > 0:13:59- think again because they're not coming.- I've nothing to say to you, so kindly mind your own business.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Walker.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Do that tunic up. You're a disgrace to the platoon.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I'm sorry, sir, we thought you were down in London.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- Go on, do as Daddy says, do your tunic up!- Will you be quiet?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Now, listen, men.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18I don't know if this is deliberate disobedience or just a misunderstanding.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22But you are all absent off parade. Now double up and fall in outside.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Wait a minute, it's one game all, you're not leaving now!
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Oh, yes they are.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Hang on, it's a little bit difficult, sir.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I mean, we promised him a game.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33The war is more important than games, Walker.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38I know, but the Nazis aren't coming just at this minute, are they? I mean, we've got half-an-hour or so.
0:14:38 > 0:14:43- We are finishing the game, Captain Mainwaring.- You know, like Drake?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I tell you what, if the bells ring,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I'll send them round in time for the battle!
0:14:47 > 0:14:48We'll bring our darts!
0:14:50 > 0:14:53We're not coming, sir.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Don't speak to me like that, Frazer. Fall in outside.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00You cannae make us.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Private Godfrey.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08- He's not coming either.- Shall I?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Don't rat on us, you blackleg.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I think you've taken leave of your senses.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Anyway...
0:15:16 > 0:15:19If you're back in the hall within the next five minutes,
0:15:19 > 0:15:21we'll say no more about it.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- Come on, get off your high horse and have a pint!- Have a drink!
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Yes, sir, have a couple of jars and we'll all go back together.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Come on, Wilson. They've obviously had too much to drink
0:15:30 > 0:15:32or they wouldn't be behaving this way. Jones.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- Yes, coming sir, I've got a pint coming up.- Jones!
0:15:38 > 0:15:43Mavis, Mavis, I really would like you to come back with me now, please.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- What would I do then? Watch you lot playing soldiers?- Wilson.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- Right, right, sir, coming.- Right,
0:15:52 > 0:15:56that's got rid of him. Now, it's one game all. Here we go then.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57That's it.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01My turn to shoot for a double.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I'm not altogether sure we've done the right thing.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05It did seem a bit put out, didn't he?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Och, that man is nothing but a bag of wind.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I don't like to let him down, you know. He wouldn't let me down.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15- I think I'd rather go back. - No, you don't!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17We're in this together and we'll see it through together.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I'm not going to stand by and see any namby-pamby
0:16:19 > 0:16:21creeper crawling back.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Look, hang on, Charlie, I think we ought to stick together.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I'm sorry, Mr Frazer, but that sort of talk doesn't influence me the slightest bit.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I'm going to do what is right.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31You blackleg!
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Now, don't say that, don't call him that.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Are you going to play darts or stand there blathering all night?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Come on, Joe, it's your go. Come on!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Yeah, all right, come on we'll play darts.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43There you go.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50This whole thing is totally beyond my comprehension, Wilson.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Fancy men not wanting to come on parade?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I mean, it's the highlight of my day.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Do you know, whilst I'm having my tea,
0:17:05 > 0:17:10I can feel the excitement mounting inside me.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I put on my uniform and I march down here to the parade
0:17:13 > 0:17:17and I feel a warm glow of pride in what we're doing,
0:17:17 > 0:17:19what we have achieved.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20We are doing something for England.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28This platoon that we've worked so hard for months to mould
0:17:28 > 0:17:32into an efficient fighting body of men,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35stuck there in the saloon bar, drunk, whingeing?
0:17:36 > 0:17:37What?
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Walker, standing there with a cigarette drooping from the corner of his mouth.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Collar wide-open like some lounge lizard.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53I-I-I don't understand it, do you?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Mmm?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58I said, I don't understand it, do you?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01No, I can't understand what she sees in him, you see.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Really, I mean he's such a coarse sort of man, isn't he?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09So coarse, don't you think? Coarse.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13I don't think you've heard one word that I've been saying.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- Sir, I'm afraid I have got some very bad news, sir.- Oh?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20They have had some tea but they are still un-present.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25They've got to be taught a lesson, Wilson.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28I'd like to teach them a lesson, sir. Put them all on a fizzer.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Oh, we can't do that.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Well, we'll have to have some field punishment for them.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34We could tie them to the wheels of a gun carriage.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37We haven't got a gun carriage.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39We should take away their privileges.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40We haven't got any privileges.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Well we could give them some privileges and then take them away.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45PHONE RINGS
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- See who that is. - I expect it's your wife, sir.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50No, no, that'll be the last straw.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Now, look here, Elizabeth, I really must ask you not to...
0:18:53 > 0:18:54What, sir?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I beg your pardon. Ahem.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Great Scott!
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Yes, yes, of course.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08You can rely on us to give every support possible, yes.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10I'll send every available man I have, all right.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14Leave the whole thing entirely in my hands, sir, yes. Right, bye.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17This would happen at a time like this, wouldn't it?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20An IRA suspect has been located in Ivy Crescent.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- That's a police job. - It would be normally.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Apparently he's armed.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28The police have got no weapons and they've called on us for support.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30And they shall have it, they shall have it, sir.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31We shall be there, we shall be there.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- Shall I run along to the pub and get the others, sir?- No.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Three loyal men are worth 100 backsliders.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42No, no, we'll march alone.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47What did he say about the backsides? Backsides, what was that?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- This is it, 27. - Where's that police squad, then?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Well, they are supposed to meet us here.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Good evening, you the man from the Home Guard?
0:19:59 > 0:20:03- That's right, Captain Mainwaring. - I'm a policeman.- How do you do?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Where's your squad?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I'm the only one the sergeant could spare.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10There isn't a raid on, where's the rest of them?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Playing darts.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Against the Free French.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Well, you see, the sergeant would have called it off
0:20:20 > 0:20:22only he don't know the French for cancelled.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I see. Well, we'll just have to see it through ourselves.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31Best be a bit careful because they can be pretty ugly customers and he's armed and all.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Oh, we are not worried about arms.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35We shall be using jujitsu.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Now, when he comes out, I shall grab his arm...
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- Jones will be kneeling down here to trip him up.- Right, right.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Not now, not now.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53- Pike, you will dive in and get him in a lock. Right?- What sort of lock?
0:20:53 > 0:20:54What about this one?
0:20:58 > 0:20:59What are you doing?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Very lucky for you that I didn't counter that
0:21:02 > 0:21:04or you'd be flat on your back by now.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Right. Here we go.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11DOORBELL RINGS
0:21:13 > 0:21:17- Now, take this gun.- Right, sir. - Stand over there.- Right, right.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20And don't shoot unless it's absolutely necessary.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Remember, this man is British. Basically.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Excuse me, sir, I think you ought to ring again, sir,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29he might be listening to Lord Haw-Haw or Vera Lynn, you know.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- He's coming!- Right, stand back.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Here, what am I supposed to do?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- Arrest him, of course.- Oh.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Right, here we go! Hey!
0:21:43 > 0:21:46It's Mr Mainwaring, Mr Mainwaring!
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Here, here, it's an awful mischief you've been doing yourself
0:21:54 > 0:21:56if you're not more careful.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- And you at your time of life an' all. - Grab this man! Get him!
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- Let go of my arm, will you? - I'm trying, sir, I'm trying.- Let go!
0:22:05 > 0:22:07I've got him, I've got him!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Now, don't you try any more of your tricks.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15What tricks would I be playing, sir? I'm a God-fearing man
0:22:15 > 0:22:19and a faithful servant of His Holiness, the Pope.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Your name Patrick Regan?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Ah, no, no, no,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25that'll be my twin brother you're talking about, sir.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- Are you after him again? - He's bluffing, Constable.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Get him down to the station. - We can't take him there.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35It was bombed the night before last.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37So it was. Where can we take him?
0:22:37 > 0:22:42We'll put him in my cold room, put him in my cold room and hang him on a hook, sir.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44They're going to pick him up from your headquarters.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- Right, we'll take him down there. Wilson.- Yes.- Keep in behind him.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49If you try anything, it'll be the worse for you.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Oh, no, no, what would I be trying, sir?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I don't blame you for being cautious.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57My twin brother's a terrible rough man.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00By God, if I had been him, you'd have been in mortal danger.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03All right, we've had enough blarney out of you. Quick march.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Left, right, left, right.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Right, it's double four then. That's it!
0:23:09 > 0:23:13- Two pints all-round!- Come on, where's your share, Taffy?- Lovely!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Sorry, the beer's off.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Oh, gorblimey, after bashing the living daylights out of them.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- Now, that is bad luck, Wally. - Well, I don't mind, another time.
0:23:23 > 0:23:28Oh, no, gambling debts have to be paid on the spot, or not at all.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Look, there must be a drop left in the barrel.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Take it in the kitchen and put it through the mangle.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Sorry, boys, there's a war on.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39I'm a bit worried about Mainwaring. I think we ought to go back and finish off the parade.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Joe, you're weakening. You have the heart of a coward.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43No, it's not that, I don't like to see him upset.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46If you're going, I'm coming with you because I can't wait to see his face
0:23:46 > 0:23:49when I tell him us wardens have beaten his precious troops.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- Come on, Mave.- But Arthur will be there!- Who cares about him?! Come on!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Right, bring him in here.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Now, sit down there and behave yourself.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Now, listen here, buddy, one false move out of you
0:24:02 > 0:24:04and you'll be wearing a wooden overcoat.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Pike.- Yes, boss?- Don't be silly.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14You've a desperate band of men under you.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Yes, I have a curious feeling that we were being followed.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Don't be neurotic, Wilson.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- Constable. Go and look for the wagon.- Yes. Here's your gun back.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Oh, thank you, sir.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Where is he, then?
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- Where is he, then?! - W-w-where is who?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Your military man who's laid hands on Pat O'Regan.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- I'll split his head open and paper the walls with his guts.- Oh, I see.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48I-I think he might find him the other side of the stage,
0:24:48 > 0:24:49one of the dressing rooms.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Come on, boys!
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Oh, good evening, Captain Mainwaring.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- Where have you been, Godfrey? - Before we go in to all that,
0:24:58 > 0:25:01I ought tell you that there are three very large Irish men
0:25:01 > 0:25:04out there who say they are going to do the most awful things to you.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06- Shamus, I'm in here!- Grab him, Pike!
0:25:07 > 0:25:11You do that again and you'll get this up you and you will not like it!
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- Come on, Wilson, give me the gun. - I haven't got the gun, sir.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16I gave the gun to you outside the house.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- I must have given it to you back. - Shut that door.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- They're here already.- Give me the key.- I haven't got the key, sir.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- I've locked it, sir.- Ah, good.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- Pike, run like the wind and get the others.- Yes, sir.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30HEAVY BANGING
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- Now.- I thought you said three loyal men were better
0:25:32 > 0:25:34than 100 men on their backside.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Don't talk rubbish, go on!
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Open up you misbegotten sons of Britannia! >
0:25:40 > 0:25:41That's enough of that sort of talk.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45- I call upon you to surrender in the name of the King.- Stuff the King!
0:25:48 > 0:25:52- Oh, come in, come in.- I've locked him in the hall, I've locked him in the hall.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- Quick thinking, Verger.- And if I hadn't, he'd have done for you.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57I'm very grateful, I can assure you.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00When the vicar learns of this, there's going to be a rumpus.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02- It's a misuse of the hall. - We can't go into all that now.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06- You said it was for parades. - Permission to talk. You're trouble-making, you are.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I'm not a troublemaker, you're the troublemaker!
0:26:08 > 0:26:13- You're the troublemaker! - If you ask me, I'd say the pair of youse are troublemakers.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14You mind your own business!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- It's only us. Sorry we're late. - They're on their way here.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I've told them all to report for duty, sir.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Good, now we can get something done.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Godfrey, you will open the door
0:26:27 > 0:26:30and then we will storm in and assault them.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Hang on, sir, I think I ought to go first.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I volunteer to be the first man there, sir.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37- You can't...- All right, all right. Walker will go first.
0:26:37 > 0:26:42Right, everybody. Right, stand by, open the door. In we go.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44SHOUTING
0:26:44 > 0:26:46PHONE RINGS
0:26:46 > 0:26:48SHOUTING AND CRASHING
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Hello?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Oh, Mrs Mainwaring, I'm afraid he's rather occupied at the moment.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Yes, he's awfully busy, he'll see you later, goodbye.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57BANGING AND SHOUTING CONTINUES
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- What's all this noise about, then? What's going on?- Where's Frank?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02- Where is he?- All right, All right.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05ALL SHOUT AT ONCE
0:27:09 > 0:27:10All right, all right.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18That softened them up a bit.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- They've hurt you, Frank. - All right, Frank, all right.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27- Go on, do something about it!- All right, Mavis, just leave it to me.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- Jonesy, will you please just open that door.- Open it?- Just open the door.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Wilson. What are you doing?
0:27:33 > 0:27:36BANGING Ooh! Urgh!
0:27:42 > 0:27:43SILENCE
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Good God, Wilson!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I'd never have believed it!
0:27:51 > 0:27:55- Would you all mind going home? Just clear off, will you?- Yes, I will.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58I could do with an early night.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00- Arthur.- Yes.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03- We could all do with an early night! - Yes...
0:28:07 > 0:28:12Well, men, we've all had a good early night and none of us
0:28:12 > 0:28:16seems to be very much the worse for our experiences.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19I must say I'm very proud with the way that you tackled
0:28:19 > 0:28:21an extremely dangerous task.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26As for the other lapse, we'll forget all about that
0:28:26 > 0:28:28because I don't suppose it will happen again.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Don't worry, sir, you can rely on us.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33I was against it from the very start.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35WALKER: Of course you were.
0:28:36 > 0:28:41There is just one other thing I'd like to mention. And that is this.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43That owing to a slight misunderstanding
0:28:43 > 0:28:46between Corporal Jones and myself, certain rumours
0:28:46 > 0:28:50have been circulating in this town regarding my wife's condition.
0:28:53 > 0:28:54They are quite untrue.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Mrs Mainwaring and I have never been blessed that way
0:28:58 > 0:29:00but in every other way...
0:29:00 > 0:29:06It has been a most happy marriage. In fact, almost blissful.
0:29:06 > 0:29:07PHONE RINGS
0:29:10 > 0:29:12Would you like me to answer that, sir?
0:29:12 > 0:29:14No, thank you, Sergeant.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17It will probably be for me.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd