0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:22 > 0:00:26# Cos, who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# If you think old England's done?
0:00:32 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So, who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:57 > 0:01:02- Who are you calling? - The wife. I'm going to be late.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Sorry. Emergency calls only.
0:01:04 > 0:01:10- PHONE RINGS - Hello? Frank, thanks for ringing back.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15Yes. Lincoln, 3.15, Farmer's Boy. Ten bob each way. Ta-ta, Frank.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Right. What have you got then?
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Not bad. Not bad at all.
0:01:21 > 0:01:27- 9.45, Miss Samways was showing a light from her bathroom window.- Naughty!
0:01:27 > 0:01:30AND using over 5 inches of water.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34- Up to here. - I'LL investigate that!
0:01:34 > 0:01:42- Anything else?- A bad one. 10.32, Church hall, uncurtained window. 60 watt bulb. The office.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Mainwaring! I've got him. I've got him!
0:01:46 > 0:01:53- I'll say. Shining like a beacon for a whole hour. We had to break in to put it out.- Get your coat on!
0:01:53 > 0:02:01- Come round to the Police Station. I'll need a statement.- But anyone can...- Well done!- But...- Well done.
0:02:01 > 0:02:06- I've got him!- Put that light out! > - You mind your own business.
0:02:09 > 0:02:17There we are. That's it then. Corporal Jones's section is the railway siding and gasworks.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Good. What's that?
0:02:20 > 0:02:25- By the way, Wilson.- Hmm? - Am I hurting you?- I don't think so.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29I should be. I'm standing on your hair.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32It's an old one, but I still laugh.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36I'm trying to tell you, get a haircut!
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Mrs Pike thinks I look like Eden now.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- PHONE RINGS - Answer that, Anthony.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Hello? Sgt Wilson here.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52How very nice to hear from you. You're quite a stranger.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Oh, yes, he's here. Oh, yes.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- < LAUGHTER - WE understand him, you know.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05- All right, who is it? - It's Captain Square, sir.- Square?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Hello?
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- Ah! Is that you, Main-wearing? - Yes.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Well, I...em... HE CHORTLES
0:03:15 > 0:03:20I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but... LAUGHING
0:03:20 > 0:03:25When did you last inspect your platoon's firearms?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28What's the reason for your enquiry?
0:03:28 > 0:03:35Last night I bumped into a few of your chaps on patrol who looked scruffy
0:03:35 > 0:03:37so I looked at their rifles.
0:03:37 > 0:03:43- You did WHAT?- I... I've never seen anything like it in my ENTIRE service!
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Some of them almost had birds' nests in them!
0:03:47 > 0:03:54- How DARE you inspect my men without my permission. - Just as well I did.
0:03:54 > 0:04:00The Colonel would have had you cashiered, even though you're a civilian.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05- I hope you don't mind?- I DO. Your attitude is intolerable.
0:04:05 > 0:04:10- Don't take that tack!- Interfere with my men and they'll arrest you.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15- I'll put the receiver down on you. - I'LL put it down on you. - You won't!
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Hello, hello, hello?
0:04:19 > 0:04:24- He's put the receiver down on me. - Had a little tiff?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27This is YOUR fault, Wilson.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30When did you last inspect the firearms?
0:04:30 > 0:04:35- I gave them the once-over last week or the week before.- Slacker!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Slacker! And you look a shambles.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43- What?- Fasten that collar up and have a rifle inspection.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47- You're not a day-tripper! - KNOCK ON DOOR
0:04:47 > 0:04:51The men are fallen on parade, sir.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55- Well, fall in after them, Jones. - Sir. Sir.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59- Jones has done it for you again.- Right, sir.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Platoon, atten-shun!
0:05:03 > 0:05:07Sorry, sir, you caught me on the hop, sir.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Fall in your place here. Forward ARMS!
0:05:10 > 0:05:15Hup, two, three, bolt, two, three, back and butt.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Sorry, sir, what was that you said?
0:05:18 > 0:05:25- For inspection, port arms! - I was just about turning, sir, then when you gave your order...
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Port arms, right, sir.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31HUP, two, three... Two, three...
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Hup, two, three. Hup, hup.
0:05:34 > 0:05:41- Sorry, sir, that wasn't right. Shall I start again? - Stay as you are.
0:05:41 > 0:05:48It's been reported you're not keeping your rifles clean, so Sgt Wilson and I will inspect them.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53Coming. Sorry, sir, but this hook thing is terribly stiff.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Because I haven't used it much.
0:05:55 > 0:06:01Probably. Fall in! At the double! Now, inspect Jones's rifle.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Very good, sir. Do you mind if I have a little peep?
0:06:05 > 0:06:12Not like that! You tap the muzzle of the rifle, the man brings his gun and his foot round SO.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- Like that, you see?- I see, sir.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Well done, Jones.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Oh, that's awfully good, Jonesey. Very good indeed.
0:06:32 > 0:06:39- You ought to have a little look. - The British rifle has always been easy to clean.
0:06:39 > 0:06:45Before the Lea-Enfield we had the Martini Henry, which was good.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50- Thank you, Jones.- We had them up to the battle of Ombin-mum.
0:06:50 > 0:06:57- I'm sure you did.- We were having this battle one day and this officer came from England.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01And he said, "I'm Lt ffoulkes and I spell it with two small ffs."
0:07:01 > 0:07:09And the Colonel asked him if he'd like a Lea Enfield or a Martini to go into battle with.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14And he said, "A Martini but not too much ice."
0:07:14 > 0:07:21To enjoy that joke you've got to know a Martini is a drink enjoyed by the gentry.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I did know that.
0:07:23 > 0:07:29- The young officer got muddled up with that and the rifle.- I know.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34- He used to have it with ice - the drink not the rifle.- I KNOW.
0:07:34 > 0:07:40- I like a light ale myself. - STOP talking!- Right, Walker.
0:07:40 > 0:07:46Oh, yes, that's awfully good. All sparkly. Just like fairyland, sir.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50What on earth's the matter with you?
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Walker! What's this? Jewellery on parade?
0:07:54 > 0:07:59- It's real!- See me afterwards. - I can't get you one...- That'll do.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01There we are.
0:08:01 > 0:08:07- How did you get rid of those marks there?- I left Harpic in it overnight.
0:08:07 > 0:08:13- How dare you introduce foreign matter into your barrel? - It's English!
0:08:13 > 0:08:16You've not heard the last of this!
0:08:16 > 0:08:20- Sah!- All right. All right. Don't go mad.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25The barrel looks clean enough.
0:08:25 > 0:08:32- Wish I could say the same for your thumb nail. - Somebody has to grease the hearse.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Good evening.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42What do you mean, good evening?
0:08:42 > 0:08:50- Where's your rifle?- I don't carry one, I carry the Red Cross haversack.- So you do. Sorry.
0:08:50 > 0:08:55- Perhaps you'd like to inspect my thermometer case?- No.
0:08:55 > 0:09:00Well, Sergeant, the rifles seem to be clean to me.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- That's him!- There's a parade on.
0:09:03 > 0:09:11- I identify Captain George Mainwaring - the fat one with glasses.- I am Captain Mainwaring.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Go on! Give it to him!
0:09:13 > 0:09:19- This is for you. - It's a blister! A blue one. A summons.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23I thought there was something shady about him!
0:09:23 > 0:09:30- What's the meaning of this?- A light was blazing from your window! You'll be up before the beak!
0:09:30 > 0:09:35It's obviously a mistake. I shall contact my solicitor at once.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Mark my words, Mainwaring is for the clink.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Now, look here, you can't lose sight of the evidence.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53The light was on, he's in charge, so he'll be found guilty.
0:09:53 > 0:10:00We can't let them take our captain to the stake and be pilloried.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03No, it won't be as bad as that.
0:10:03 > 0:10:08HE was last out. He's guilty. He should suffer!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11We all left together. We're ALL guilty.
0:10:11 > 0:10:18Every man has his price. Why don't we see the beak and straighten him?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21You cannot bribe magistrates.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25No, no, not with money, no. Scotch maybe.
0:10:25 > 0:10:30The magistrate may be a lady. All right then... knicker elastic.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35You CAN'T get it!
0:10:35 > 0:10:41- Maybe there's a crooked D.A. like Warner Baxter. - Just be quiet, Frank.
0:10:41 > 0:10:46- It's the only thing I've said. - Just keep quiet all the same.
0:10:46 > 0:10:52- < If we say we left together they'll understand.- Right! We've got to say the same story
0:10:52 > 0:10:55even if we have to PURGE ourselves.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59We've got to decide what we're going to say.
0:10:59 > 0:11:05If that fails, we'll rig the Grand Jury so he beats the rap.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Is that you, Mr 'Odges?- Yes.
0:11:09 > 0:11:15- Is anyone listening?- I am. - Anyone else?- This isn't the Albert Hall!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- Don't proceed against Mainwaring. - What?
0:11:18 > 0:11:24- Do what?- Don't proceed against him. - I'm not. The police are.
0:11:24 > 0:11:30- I don't think he's done it.- Why? - Someone else might have switched it on.
0:11:30 > 0:11:36Listen, verger, it's taken me months to nail him so keep your trap shut
0:11:36 > 0:11:42or someone might mention why you keep the stirrup pump in your hall.
0:11:42 > 0:11:49- Right...- On the evening of the 7th, we paraded in the Church hall as usual.
0:11:49 > 0:11:56At 9.45, we all left together and Cpt Mainwaring turned off the light in the office.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01- At 9.45...- Do try and keep up. Now, let's do it once more.
0:12:01 > 0:12:07- Right.- On the evening of the 7th we paraded in the hall as usual...
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- ..in the office.- Oh...
0:12:14 > 0:12:21- ..and Cpt Mainwaring put the light out in the office. I got it right!- Well done, Jones.
0:12:21 > 0:12:27Remember it in court 'cos they'll try and make you say things you don't mean.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31I won't talk whatEVER they do to me. I won't!
0:12:31 > 0:12:36- Morning, sir. - I'm touched you turned up for me.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41- I have come to speak the truth. - I hope you've all come to do that.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Your solicitor hasn't arrived yet.
0:12:44 > 0:12:51- I've discharged him.- Was that wise? - He wanted me to plead guilty and I won't!
0:12:51 > 0:12:57- You go down fighting.- I'm not going down at all! I'm going to win!
0:12:57 > 0:13:02- Here to say farewell, are you? - Ignore him. - I am doing.
0:13:02 > 0:13:09Serves you right if they give you a month. Come down off your high horse then.
0:13:09 > 0:13:16- Uncle Arthur, if Mr Mainwaring is sent to jail, will Mum let us speak to him?- It won't come to that.
0:13:16 > 0:13:22- She wouldn't let you speak to the share-pusher's wife. - That was different.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27Now, I'm going in there and I'm going to conduct my own defence.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31I shall call on you to bear witness on my behalf.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35I shall tell the truth.
0:13:35 > 0:13:40Good luck. I shall always have the most happy memories of you.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46If you DO find yourself in the nick I can get it easy for you.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49All right, Walker, thanks very much.
0:13:49 > 0:13:54- You'd better come in, Wilson. - Aren't you calling me as a witness?
0:13:54 > 0:14:01- No, you're too vague. The police solicitor would make mincemeat of you.- Oh?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Right, lads, once again.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07ALL TOGETHER: On the evening of the 7th...
0:14:07 > 0:14:11- I must see Captain Mainwaring! - He's gone into court.
0:14:11 > 0:14:18Have they sentenced him? Not yet. I may not be too late.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21You'd better sit here, Wilson.
0:14:21 > 0:14:26- Then you can hand me my speeches as I need them.- Of course, sir.
0:14:26 > 0:14:33- My goodness! Have you brought sandwiches?- Facetiousness doesn't suit you, Wilson.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Oh, good morning, sir.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- Chief Clerk.- Oh, I see.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- Good morning. - I'M here to answer the summons.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Be upstanding in court.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52The magistrates are coming in.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56- So sorry. Beg your pardon. - For heaven's sake!
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Oh, good lord!
0:15:01 > 0:15:05- Come on, sir. - Well, give me a hand up.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Come along. That's it. Are you all right now, sir?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Good heavens!
0:15:13 > 0:15:18Get it, quick as you can, that's it. You all right now?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Carry on, Mr Bone!
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Captain George Mainwaring.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Yes, that's me.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30- Are you a solicitor? - No, I'm answering the charge.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- You're the accused?- Yes.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36You should be up there in the dock.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Up here, mate, up here!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I apologise to the court.
0:15:51 > 0:15:58- Where are you going? - The time has come. I must speak. - Sit down and shut up!
0:15:58 > 0:16:03I should draw attention to the court that the accused is known to me.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08I'm sure we can rely on you not showing any favour, Captain.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I shall show NO favour whatever!
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Have you any objection to your case being heard by me?
0:16:15 > 0:16:19- I'd rather...- Good! Let's proceed.
0:16:19 > 0:16:26- Are you Captain George Mainwaring of 23 Lime Crescent, Walmington-on-Sea?- I am.
0:16:26 > 0:16:34Of course he isn't! He's a Home Guard. He's plain Mr Main-wearing, aren't you?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- I...- Strike that. Read the charge.
0:16:37 > 0:16:42You are charged under Section 23 of the Emergency Powers Act,
0:16:42 > 0:16:47that on the 7th of September, 10.32 in the evening,
0:16:47 > 0:16:52you showed an unobscured light in the Church hall
0:16:52 > 0:16:57- in contravention of the said Act. How do you plead?- Not guilty.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01Damn waste of time. Anybody appearing for you?
0:17:01 > 0:17:06No. I shall rely on honesty and the integrity of British justice.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Will you indeed? Proceed, Mr Wintergreen.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I'd like to call Warden Adamson.
0:17:13 > 0:17:18Call Warden Adamson. Call Warden Adamson. Warden Adamson.
0:17:18 > 0:17:23What's happening, Joe? One of Hodges' wardens is in the box.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Mainwaring is done for.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29I'M going to speak up for him.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31That's ALL he needs!
0:17:32 > 0:17:37(We had to make an entrance into the hall.)
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- I couldn't hear that. - He's saying he broke in.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- Broke in?- And what about the 60 watt bulb. And speak up!
0:17:44 > 0:17:49Don't butt in. HE's the witness, not you.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Kindly stop chatting to your friends.
0:17:52 > 0:17:58- He keeps butting in. - I'm repeating what he's saying. - What's it to do with you?
0:17:58 > 0:18:04Keep quiet! Mr Wintergreen, have you finished? Yes, thank you.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09- Mr Main-wearing, have you any questions to ask the witness?- Yes.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14- What are they?- I don't know. - What do you mean, you don't know?
0:18:14 > 0:18:19- My papers are down there and I'm up here.- Come and get 'em!
0:18:19 > 0:18:23- Tell them about the 60 watt bulb. - You've been told to be quiet!
0:18:23 > 0:18:27I am quite capable of maintaining order!
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Your Grace, I wish to tell... < SIT DOWN!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Thank you.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- Got your papers?- Yes, sir.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Where are you going?
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- I'm going back to the dock. - Stay where you are.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58You can conduct your case from here and go to the dock for the sentence.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Oh!
0:19:00 > 0:19:06So sorry, so sorry. For the VERDICT. Slip of the tongue, you know.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17Don't sprawl about the desk like that, Wilson.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19I need room to make my gestures.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Carry on with your questions.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Just there, sir, you passed it.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- There. That's it.- Ah, yes.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Now then, Mr Adamson.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35No questions, m'lord.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Back to you, Mr Wintergreen.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Call the Reverend Timothy Farthing.
0:19:40 > 0:19:47Call Reverend Timothy Farthing. Reverend Timothy Farthing.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- Who's on now, Joe?- The vicar.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55Here! You'll never guess who the magistrate is. Captain Square.
0:19:55 > 0:20:02What did I tell you? Mr Mainwaring will do time. It'll be the finish of him.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05No, he'll be a gentleman and unbiased.
0:20:05 > 0:20:13Just a minute, ALL gentlemen are not unbiased. Lord Kitchener was a gentleman but not unbiased.
0:20:13 > 0:20:20Specially with the fuzzy-wuzzies. "Shoot them", he said. And you can't get more biased than that.
0:20:20 > 0:20:26I have the hall until 5 o'clock and then Captain Mainwaring has it till midnight.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Who is responsible for the hall at 10.30?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- Captain Mainwaring.- We got him!
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Stop calling him Captain! He's a bank clerk.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I'm not a CLERK, I'm a manager.
0:20:40 > 0:20:45- It's the same thing.- It's not. - Have you any questions?- No.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- You did plead not guilty, didn't you?- I did.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53I see. Proceed, Mr Wintergreen.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Since the fact of the light showing
0:20:56 > 0:21:03and the responsibility has not been challenged, I shall call no further witnesses.
0:21:03 > 0:21:08The elements of the charge seem to be proved. I quite agree.
0:21:08 > 0:21:13- Are you calling any witnesses? - Yes, m'lord.- What for?
0:21:14 > 0:21:19I intend to prove that I extinguished the light
0:21:19 > 0:21:23and that it was switched on again by some person unknown.
0:21:23 > 0:21:30- I can't see that'll help you, but get on with it. - I call Mr Jack Jones.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Call Mr Jack Jones. Mr Jack Jones.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Jonesey, come on, that's you.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Yes...
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Listen, come here.
0:21:40 > 0:21:48Remember - on the evening of the 7th, we paraded in the church hall as usual.
0:21:48 > 0:21:56At 9.45, we all left together and Mr Mainwaring switched off the light in the office.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Come on.
0:21:58 > 0:22:05- Aren't you going to ask for an adjournment so you can be properly represented?- Nonsense.
0:22:05 > 0:22:13- I intend to call 22 witnesses to prove I extinguished that light. - But you'll still be responsible.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- On the evening of the 7th... - < Wait a minute!
0:22:25 > 0:22:31- You haven't taken the oath yet. Take the book in your right hand.- Thank you.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34And read the words on the card.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39- What card?- The card in your left hand.
0:22:39 > 0:22:45I've to read the book in my right hand and swear in my left hand.
0:22:45 > 0:22:50- Get on with it, Jones.- They don't half make the print small!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Say after me...- After me.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56< No, no, no.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- Repeat, repeat, repeat. - Yes, sir.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03I swear by Almighty God... HE REPEATS
0:23:03 > 0:23:06that the evidence I shall GIVE
0:23:06 > 0:23:11- shall be the WHOLE truth. - shall be the WHOLE truth.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16- Now, get on with it.- On the evening...the evening of the 7th...
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- Just a minute.- He'll tell you when.
0:23:19 > 0:23:25You are Jack Jones, butcher, of High Street, Walmington-on-Sea.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Pardon?
0:23:27 > 0:23:34I said you are Jack Jones, butcher, of 19 High Street, Walmington-on-Sea.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I know I am.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40So do we. Get on with it!
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Tell the court what happened on that night.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49- Yes. On that night...- Don't tell him, tell the court. All of us.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52On...the night of the 45th...
0:23:52 > 0:23:57I went out in the light and I put Captain Mainwaring out together.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01No, no, no, Jones. On the evening of the...
0:24:01 > 0:24:08I MUST object. Not only is this man leading the witness but he shouldn't even be here.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- I must apologise. Be quiet.- I'm trying to help.
0:24:12 > 0:24:17- Mr Main-wearing, - I- tell people to be quiet.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21It's like watching a man committing suicide.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24What's happened to Joe?
0:24:24 > 0:24:28He's gone out. Deserted the sinking ship.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32No. He said he thought he could fix the magistrate.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37Maybe he's rounding up mobsters to rub out the judge.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- I do hope not. - Joe's in the box now.
0:24:41 > 0:24:48It was like this, I was walking past the hall 20 minutes after we all left and the light was off.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Then it was switched on as I passed.
0:24:51 > 0:24:56Rather unexpected turn of evidence here, m'lord.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Em...at what time did this occur?
0:24:59 > 0:25:05- That's hard to say.- Why? - Let's face it, sir, I'm a crook.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I wouldn't quite put it like that.
0:25:08 > 0:25:13No. Nearly everything I do is just a little bit over the edge of the law.
0:25:13 > 0:25:18On this occasion I'd been delivering black-market whisky, >
0:25:18 > 0:25:21to a secret address...nearby.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Have you got it? Of course I have.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Don't let anybody see you leave.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40No.
0:25:44 > 0:25:52If only I could remember the name of this geezer I gave those bottles to he could verify the truth.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Yes, yes, quite. One moment.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01An element of doubt has crept into this case.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I think we should dismiss the charge.
0:26:04 > 0:26:10On the contrary, it seems an open and shut case. So glad you agree.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Mr Main-wearing, there seems to be a confliction of stories.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19- I can't stand this, I did it! - Shut up.- No. The truth must out.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23- I was doing some work. - In my office?
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Yes. You see, I'm writing my mem-ores.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31- YOUR mem-ores?! - Why shouldn't I?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Noel Coward did.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37There you are! I knew I was right.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Case dismissed. You are free to leave
0:26:40 > 0:26:45without a stain on your character, Captain MainWARING!
0:26:45 > 0:26:49I never doubted you for one second!
0:26:49 > 0:26:54It was just like that film with John Garfield.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Thank you very much indeed, men.
0:26:56 > 0:27:01But never forget that this is what we're fighting for.
0:27:01 > 0:27:06The fair play, honesty and integrity of British justice.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56Subtitles by Hazel Nairn. BBC Scotland. 1991.