0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Is it not a fact, Mr Speaker,
0:00:59 > 0:01:04that many younger, fitter men joined the ARP at the start of the war?
0:01:04 > 0:01:12Is it not further a fact that when the Home Guard was formed, only the older and less fit men were left?
0:01:12 > 0:01:18It would be desirable for younger men to be drafted into the Home Guard,
0:01:18 > 0:01:24and for some of the old war-horses in the Home Guard to be drafted into the ARP
0:01:24 > 0:01:29to be given the task of telling us to close our curtains.
0:01:29 > 0:01:36Are you aware that in my constituency, hundreds of people can't afford curtains?!
0:01:36 > 0:01:39This is a most valuable suggestion.
0:01:39 > 0:01:47I shall consult the Home Secretary to see if some exchange of personnel is possible at a local level.
0:01:47 > 0:01:53- But the experience of these older soldiers has been invaluable. - Hear, hear!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56The Home Guard is ceaselessly on the alert
0:01:56 > 0:02:03- if the enemy set foot here, these men would be formidable opponents.- Hear, hear!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05EXPLODING SHELLS
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Come on, men! Go to it with a will!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I'm not enjoying this very much!
0:02:21 > 0:02:28- Yon Mainwaring's taken leave of his senses! - This can't be good for the heart!
0:02:28 > 0:02:36Don't grumble! After the war, we've got a nice little business delivering telegraph poles!
0:02:37 > 0:02:42Don't give up! You really are doing most awfully well!
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Gather round!
0:02:46 > 0:02:51Our toughest troops do this, and if they can do it, so can we.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Mr Mainwaring, can I have a shoulder pad?
0:02:55 > 0:02:59- No.- It's getting raw!- There's no mollycoddling in my platoon!
0:02:59 > 0:03:05Jones spends half his time carrying the pole, and the other half dangling!
0:03:05 > 0:03:11- It was Pikey that was dangling. - I was not dangling!
0:03:11 > 0:03:13That's enough.
0:03:13 > 0:03:20Now, cross the field, go under the tarpaulin and cross the stream with the poles.
0:03:20 > 0:03:25There's a pint of beer each for the first section to cross.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29- We'll win. I'd like a pint. - Don't dangle, then!
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- I won't.- GO!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37EXPLODING SHELLS
0:03:39 > 0:03:41GROANS
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Try not to look quite so bored, Wilson.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05I can't help it, sir. Crawling under a tarpaulin IS rather boring.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Come on now! Like lightning!
0:04:12 > 0:04:17FRAZER: You're going round and round, you silly old fool!
0:04:18 > 0:04:22PIKE: Mr Jones! Mr Jones!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Mr Jones! Mr Jones!
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- What is it?- We forgot the pole!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35It's in? Right, push!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Hurry up, Jones' section! Catch up!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47OK, lads!
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Isn't this like tossing the caber!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I'll toss YOU!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Naughty temper!
0:05:00 > 0:05:05- FRAZER: We'll shin across. - We're not shinning, we're walking.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08This isn't a circus! I'M shinning!
0:05:08 > 0:05:14All right. Hold hands, and don't look at your feet.
0:05:14 > 0:05:19Don't look at your feet, whatever you do! Look up.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22You'll be all right. Look up.
0:05:24 > 0:05:30Don't look at your feet. Don't look down. Don't look...down...
0:05:35 > 0:05:38I told you not to look at my feet!
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I didn't say "halt"! Carry on.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Double mark time!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Platoon...halt!
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Fall out!
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- Come in the office.- Right, sir.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16He said "fall out", not "fall down"!
0:06:16 > 0:06:20My legs won't carry the weight of the water I swallowed!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Oh! Goodness me! That was very tiring, sir!
0:06:26 > 0:06:29You're just out of condition.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- Are you all right, sir?- Of course!
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Pumping the blood so fast makes one a bit dizzy.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43You shouldn't have made them double the last 200 yards.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I didn't want the chaps who fell in to catch cold.
0:06:48 > 0:06:54WITH CHATTERING TEETH Mr Godfrey, can I come to your house and get dry, please?
0:06:54 > 0:07:00If my mum sees me like this, she won't let me come again!
0:07:00 > 0:07:03We don't have fires on Wednesdays.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08Cissy stays in bed with a hot water bottle. You can't get the coal.
0:07:08 > 0:07:14- I've got a spare uniform. - Thank you, Joe. - It won't cost you much.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Dear, oh dear. That's better.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23You're not leaving those there, are you?
0:07:23 > 0:07:29Of course not, sir. They really did awfully well, didn't they?
0:07:29 > 0:07:33It was a shambles. Jones' section was a joke!
0:07:33 > 0:07:36But they WERE trying awfully hard.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40That won't be enough against Hitler's Prussian butchers!
0:07:40 > 0:07:48We'll have to split the platoon into those who are fit and those who are not up to battle standards.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- I tried that. It looked untidy. - How do you mean?
0:07:52 > 0:07:57There were two in one half and 21 in the other!
0:07:57 > 0:08:01I sometimes wish I had younger men under my command.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- Others seem to think so too.- Pardon?
0:08:04 > 0:08:10The War Office is suggesting officers look at their men's age and fitness
0:08:10 > 0:08:14with a view to exchanging personnel with the ARP.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19This is outrageous! I shall fight that tooth and nail!
0:08:19 > 0:08:26- I agree.- Fancy me saying, "I have no further use for you. You are now members of the ARP."
0:08:26 > 0:08:34You won't have to. The area commander will choose who goes to the ARP and which wardens join us.
0:08:34 > 0:08:39What? I'm not having any of Hodges' rabble in my unit!
0:08:39 > 0:08:45- I agree. If this goes on, there's no end to it.- Of course not.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49You don't want Hodges' rabble in your unit,
0:08:49 > 0:08:55but YOU might find yourself in the ARP, and this might finish as HIS unit.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- See what I mean? - What are you talking about?
0:08:58 > 0:09:07- They'd never give my platoon to a greengrocer! What does he know about the army?- He was in the last lot.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Doesn't matter. This is a different kind of war.
0:09:11 > 0:09:19- He did face the enemy. He looks fit, and he's younger than...some of us.- Meaning me?
0:09:19 > 0:09:25- You're not absolutely decrepit. And you're not exactly Aubrey Smith. - Thank you.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30- Then again, you're not exactly Freddie Bartholomew.- Hm?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Anybody there?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Anybody about?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Anybody there?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Oooh!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- KNOCKS - Yes! W-w...oh!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33W-w-wait a minute!
0:11:40 > 0:11:45- Is everything all right, sir? - Yes, perfectly all right.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Sorry to have kept you, Wilson.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58I thought it was stuck. I was going round.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02- I was looking at some secret files.- Ah.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11I'm glad you could get here early. Do sit down.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I've been thinking about that conversation...
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Sit down. And, you know, I think...
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- I said "sit down." - I'd rather stand, sir.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30- What's the matter? - Nothing. I just feel a bit stiff.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Ah! I see!
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Yesterday's exercise leaving its mark, is it?
0:12:38 > 0:12:44I felt one or two twinges too. Gets me in the back, here.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Please don't do that, sir. I'm rather ticklish.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Wilson?
0:12:51 > 0:12:55You're wearing corsets! Am I right?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59It's a "gentleman's abdominal support".
0:12:59 > 0:13:04"Gentleman's abdominal support" my foot! It's corsets!
0:13:04 > 0:13:06You're a rum cove!
0:13:06 > 0:13:13You wear that uniform like a sack of porridge, yet you're as vain as a peacock!
0:13:13 > 0:13:18It's not vanity. I just don't want to be drafted into Hodges' mob.
0:13:18 > 0:13:23I'm proud of this platoon. You've done wonders.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26So it pays not to look older than one needs.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- I'm sorry, Wilson.- That's all right!
0:13:31 > 0:13:34It was kind of you to pay that tribute to me.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38It doesn't come easy to a cold fish like you.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Here am I pouring scorn on you, and I had no right to.
0:13:46 > 0:13:53I have to tell you that I, too, have taken some steps to look more...more virile.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Ah. Oh my God, it's not monkey glands, is it?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Nothing as drastic as that!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04What do you think of this?
0:14:07 > 0:14:11- Oh, it's awful!- What?
0:14:11 > 0:14:16Ha-ha-ha! No, it's awfully good! Ha-ha-ha!
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:14:20 > 0:14:24HAHAHAHA!!
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Watch it, Wilson you might snap your girdle!
0:14:37 > 0:14:42The result was, I was beneath him, if you follow me. Just like this.
0:14:42 > 0:14:49Now, as true as I'm standing here, peeking out from under the brim o' his hat,
0:14:49 > 0:14:52was a wee kiss-curl.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55That doesn't sound like Captain Mainwaring!
0:14:55 > 0:14:58I think he's gone soft in the head!
0:14:58 > 0:15:01We should go and have a butcher's.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I'm not going.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07- You go, Pikey, you're the youngest. - We ought to dip for it.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11- All right. - All right. Eeny, meeny, miney, mo. It's you. Go on.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14You haven't finished yet.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17O-U-T spells out you must go. It's you.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Now, you find some way of getting to talk to him,
0:15:23 > 0:15:30then get yourself down below him so you can look under the peak o' his cap.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- You're not listening! - He cheated!
0:15:34 > 0:15:39Never mind. Now, you'll have to make some kind of excuse.
0:15:39 > 0:15:45Say you think we should go to the barracks and practise on the firing range.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47How did you do that?
0:15:47 > 0:15:53To keep the men fit, we can have one extra period of physical training.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- You'll be taking that, sir? - No, you will.- Oh.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01I also think that as well as, and in addition to also,
0:16:01 > 0:16:06we should do one hour of bayonet fighting practice.
0:16:06 > 0:16:11The cold steel puts fear into the heart of the Boche.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16They don't like it, sir. They don't like it, especially up 'em.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- I remember a good example of this... - Yes.
0:16:20 > 0:16:25- ..This big barbarian came down and I...- Yes, all right.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27I'll note it. Rejoin your section.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29KNOCK ON DOOR
0:16:29 > 0:16:36- Come in!- Thank you, sir. - All right, Jones.- Thank you, sir. - Off you go.- Get out!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Excuse me, sir.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42- Yes, Pike, what is it? - Barracks.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Pardon?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47We, um, haven't done it for a long time.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52What on earth are you talking about, boy?
0:16:52 > 0:16:57We, um, ought to go and shoot at the targets with miniature rifles.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- Are you all right?- Yes.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- Are you wearing corsets? - Am I what?
0:17:06 > 0:17:12- Are you wearing corsets? - I didn't know we were supposed to.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Start again, Pike.
0:17:16 > 0:17:23- Do you mind if I rejoin the platoon? I want to speak to the men.- Go ahead.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Now, Pike.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Well, um...
0:17:32 > 0:17:33..the men...
0:17:34 > 0:17:37..asked me to ask you...
0:17:37 > 0:17:40..if we could do more of it.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44I'm sure they didn't ask you to pray for it.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- Stand up!- Yes, um...
0:17:48 > 0:17:54..Anyway, um... we thought if we went down to the local one and borrowed theirs,
0:17:54 > 0:18:00we'd be better at it because we'd have had more practice with it than them.
0:18:00 > 0:18:07Oh dear! How careless! I've dropped your papers! I shall pick them up for you!
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Oh!
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Pike, would you tell me exactly what you're up to?
0:18:21 > 0:18:29He doesn't want us split up and drafted into the ARP. And we don't want to lose HIM, do we?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31ALL: No.
0:18:31 > 0:18:39He's very sensitive about it, so please try not to stare. Treat it as something ordinary.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43But do please promise me one thing don't laugh.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Right. Fall into three ranks.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Come on! You heard what the officer said!
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Get fell in! Right sir, we're in three ranks.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Thank you, Corporal. Platoon, atten-SHUN!
0:18:58 > 0:19:01ONE FOOT LANDS LATE
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Now, it has come to my notice
0:19:05 > 0:19:12that aspects of my appearance are causing speculation and some hilarity.
0:19:12 > 0:19:18I don't beat about the bush, so here it is straight from the shoulder.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I am wearing a toupee.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25A wig, if that makes it any clearer.
0:19:25 > 0:19:31So if any of you want a good laugh at my expense, now's your chance,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33because I'm going to show it to you.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Personally, I think it makes him look older.
0:19:54 > 0:19:59Mr Hodges, you might find yourself under Captain Mainwaring.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02And you don't get on, do you?
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I'd rather serve under Captain Bligh!
0:20:05 > 0:20:10Those onions are like gold, Mabel shove 'em under the counter.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15If your hair was greyer, you'd look less young and fit.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Young and fit? With my heart and my nerves?
0:20:18 > 0:20:25It's silly to take chances. I've got something here that'll make your hair white instantly.
0:20:25 > 0:20:32It's expensive, and I can only let you have an ounce. But to you, it's a quid. Are you on?
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Well, yeah. I don't want to take any chances, do I?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Good man. I'll bring it round.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55# I-I-I-I-I-I like you very much
0:20:55 > 0:20:58# I-I-I-I-I-I think you're grand. #
0:21:03 > 0:21:05RAPS ON LETTERBOX
0:21:07 > 0:21:09OWL HOOTS
0:21:14 > 0:21:16What's amiss?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Can we talk to you for a minute?
0:21:32 > 0:21:38Sorry about the candles the blinds are a bit thin for the glare of the gaslight.
0:21:38 > 0:21:43I like candles they're more romantic.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49What would you be wanting?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Well, we've been looking in the mirror,
0:21:52 > 0:21:57and we think if anyone is picked to go on the ARP,
0:21:57 > 0:22:01it'll be us three, because we're the oldest.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05Man, you're right. I've been brooding on it.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13- You know old Mr Armstrong? - Him that passed away last month.
0:22:13 > 0:22:20- Aye.- Yes. Well, you managed to make him look not a day over 60 and he was nearly 97!
0:22:20 > 0:22:27They do say I have a rare skill at beautifying the late lamented.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Well?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Mr Godfrey and I could you do the same for us?
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Eh, man, that's a challenge, and no mistake!
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- We'd be very grateful. - You wouldn't be out of pocket!
0:22:49 > 0:22:54Uh-huh. Away into the next room, and lie on the slab.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Pay attention, everybody, please. Fall in.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Where's Mr Jones, Mr Frazer and Mr Godfrey?
0:23:15 > 0:23:20Leaving it till the last minute. Mainwaring's going to have kittens.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Right there.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Come on, chaps, hurry up! Come on, Godfrey!
0:23:41 > 0:23:45- Oh, there you are. - Over there.- Right.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51- Jones, fall in, quick as you can. - Come on, Jonesy.
0:23:51 > 0:23:56I'm sorry, but without my specs I'm a bit hard of seeing.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Right, squad...
0:23:58 > 0:24:02- Wait for it, Jones! - I'm a bit too alert this morning.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Of course. Squad, atten-SHUN!
0:24:06 > 0:24:13- Is that better?- Not much better, but never mind. Platoon ready for your inspection, sir.
0:24:14 > 0:24:21Thank you. I think you know this inspection by the area commander is against my wishes.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24However, orders are orders.
0:24:24 > 0:24:30But if anyone is forced to join the ARP, I shall complain to the highest authority.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Thank you.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- You'll be all right.- Thank you, sir.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- And you, Walker.- Thank you, sir.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Don't know about...
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Who is this?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48I think that's Jones, sir.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Jones? What have you been doing to yourself?
0:24:51 > 0:24:59I didn't want to leave you. Nor these brave troops that you captain and I lance-corporal.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Private Frazer fixed me up.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Frazer?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06INCOHERENT MUMBLING
0:25:08 > 0:25:10What did Holly say, Winnie?
0:25:10 > 0:25:17He's not speaking plainly on account of his cheeks is puffed up with cotton wool.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21- You knew about this? - I turned a blind eye.
0:25:21 > 0:25:26You had no business. Only I have the authority to turn blind eyes.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Godf...
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Godfrey?
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Whatever's happened to you?
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Frazer's fluid, sir. It stretches the skin.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43This is ridiculous!
0:25:43 > 0:25:49He looks like Madam Butterfly! Get it off at once!
0:25:49 > 0:25:52I don't think I can, sir!
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- How long does it last, Frazer? - Mmm-bmhm-mbmmm.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01- What does he say?- He's never dug anyone up to have a look!
0:26:03 > 0:26:05DOOR SLAMS
0:26:05 > 0:26:11- There you are, Napoleon!- How dare you barge in here!- Clear off!
0:26:11 > 0:26:16Forget any ideas about getting me into your lot. Look!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- Very distinguished.- Not bad, eh?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Wait till he tries to get it off!
0:26:23 > 0:26:28- Why go to the trouble?- I'd rather look 107 than serve under you!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31I see. Pity it doesn't show under the hat.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Well, what if it doesn't?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I'll stoop, that's what I'll do!
0:26:37 > 0:26:40JEERS
0:26:40 > 0:26:47I'm not joining your squad! Even the Chelsea pensioners won't have me!
0:26:50 > 0:26:57I don't approve, but it's too late to do anything, so be it on your own heads.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Ha-ha! That's rather witty, sir!
0:26:59 > 0:27:02- Just carry on, Sergeant.- Right, sir.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Platoon, left TURN!
0:27:04 > 0:27:09By the right, quick march! Left wheel!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13That way, Corporal.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32He didn't pick any. Seems you've got away with it.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35I hope so, sir. I do apologise...
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Congratulations. You used initiative in a crisis.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41We do our best, sir.
0:27:41 > 0:27:46I saw nothing, of course. Hope it comes off all right.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48I expect it will.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50THUNDER
0:27:51 > 0:27:58- Just got it over in time! Give the old boy three cheers and I'll buy you a drink.- Yes, sir.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Blimey, here it comes!
0:28:00 > 0:28:04Number one platoon, three cheers for the General!
0:28:04 > 0:28:05Hooray!
0:28:05 > 0:28:06Hip, hip,
0:28:06 > 0:28:12Hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Hooray! Hooray!
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd