0:00:03 > 0:00:08# Who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:11 > 0:00:17# We are the boys Who will stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# We are the boys Who will make you think again
0:00:22 > 0:00:27# Cos who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town On the 8.21
0:00:36 > 0:00:42# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun
0:00:42 > 0:00:47# So, who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:47 > 0:00:52# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:52 > 0:01:00'My darling, we have only a few short hours before the ship takes to me to Elba.'
0:01:00 > 0:01:07- 'Why don't you try to escape to America?' - 'I cannot escape my destiny.'
0:01:13 > 0:01:18'Napoleon, the British hate you. They will kill you.'
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Rubbish!
0:01:25 > 0:01:30'Without you, my darling Marie, I am an empty shell.'
0:01:30 > 0:01:33'Then I will go with you.'
0:01:33 > 0:01:38'No, we will say goodbye now.'
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Rubbish! >
0:01:40 > 0:01:43'Oh, Napoleon...'
0:01:47 > 0:01:52'The British broke my army... and you broke my heart.'
0:01:52 > 0:01:55'I'll never know a love like yours.'
0:01:55 > 0:01:59'I leave you standing here, Marie.
0:01:59 > 0:02:06'And in your care, I leave the most precious thing in my life...'
0:02:07 > 0:02:10'La Belle France.'
0:02:16 > 0:02:19NATIONAL ANTHEM STARTS
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Have your fares ready, please.
0:02:56 > 0:03:01Disgraceful! Everyone charging out during the National Anthem.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Thought YOU'D have stayed, set an example.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I just got carried off in the rush.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12Really(!) I'm surprised at you too, Godfrey.
0:03:12 > 0:03:17Sir, I had to leave rather quickly for a rather urgent reason.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- Enjoy the picture, Mr Mainwaring?- Not really.
0:03:21 > 0:03:27I thought it would be more about strategy and tactics.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I thought we might learn something.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34But instead we got Napoleon chasing Greta Garbo round a four-poster bed.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37That IS strategy and tactics, innit?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- Well,- I- learned something from it.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45Bit late to do anything about it now, though! Did you like it, Jock?
0:03:45 > 0:03:50Rubbish! Sheer rubbish! A waste of one-and-six.
0:03:50 > 0:03:56- Joe, remember when he took her in his arms in the snow?- Smashing!
0:03:56 > 0:04:03"Darling, you 'ave beautiful 'air, beautiful eyes, beautiful lips, beautiful moustache...!"
0:04:07 > 0:04:11I liked when he was saying farewell to his troops.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Hey, why don't we all do an impression of Charles Boyer?
0:04:15 > 0:04:20- Whoever does it worst pays all the fares.- OK. You start.
0:04:20 > 0:04:26Right. "Soldiers of Fwance. Our cowse is lost.
0:04:26 > 0:04:32"I will now say goodbye. Wiv zis kiss I embrace you all..."
0:04:33 > 0:04:39- That was rotten. - How about this. 'Ere we go.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43"Soldiers of France, our cause is lost.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47"And I'm going to give you a nice big kiss!"
0:04:47 > 0:04:55- Did you enjoy it, Sponge? - No, I couldn't see very well. We should've sat in the ninepennies.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57The cheap seats at the front? No!
0:04:57 > 0:05:03- You never know WHO'S been sitting in them!- Let's have a sing-song!
0:05:03 > 0:05:08ALL: # Oh, the first is number one And the fun has just begun... #
0:05:08 > 0:05:14- Stop that! Be quiet! - # Roll me over, roll me over...# - Quiet!
0:05:14 > 0:05:21- # And be done and do it again! # - Wilson!- Very sorry, sir. I beg your pardon.
0:05:21 > 0:05:26- What's happening?! The discipline's gone to pot!- Fares, please.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Two to Walmington-on-Sea, please.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33- I must apologise for the singing. - That's all right.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38- I get far worse than that. - Really? Most upsetting for you.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43- I'm used to it. After all, there IS a war on.- That's no excuse.
0:05:43 > 0:05:50Nice of you to think of me. I don't often get considerate passengers like you on my bus.
0:05:52 > 0:05:57- Charming woman, Wilson.- Yes, sir. Awfully nice, very good.- Yes.
0:05:57 > 0:06:02It's difficult dealing with men passengers who get over-familiar.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07I'm sure she manages. Probably punches them on the nose.
0:06:07 > 0:06:14- Don't be absurd! She's a perfect lady. Must be hard for her being a clippie.- She's just doing her bit.
0:06:14 > 0:06:21I realise that, but a lady shouldn't be exposed to the riff-raff on late-night buses.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27ROWDY BANTER
0:06:27 > 0:06:32Hello, Napoleon. Been taking the Boy Scouts on an outing?
0:06:32 > 0:06:37We've been to the pictures, Mr Hodges.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42With Jerries about to invade and all! Leave a note on the beach, did you?
0:06:42 > 0:06:48"Dear Hitler, Please don't invade tonight. Gone to cinema."
0:06:48 > 0:06:55- Fares, please. - A tuppenny one and a tickle at the terminus.- A tickle at the...!
0:06:55 > 0:06:58How dare you speak to a lady like that!
0:06:58 > 0:07:03It's quite all right, sir. Please sit down. Here's your ticket.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08Thank you very much all the same. I really do appreciate it.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13- We ARE being gallant tonight, sir. - Walmington-on-Sea, next stop.
0:07:13 > 0:07:21Wilson, I don't want a repeat of what happened at the cinema. I'LL get off the bus first. Tell the men.
0:07:21 > 0:07:26Eh, pay attention. When the bus stops, stay where you are,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29and let Captain Mainwaring get off first.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Walmington-on-Sea. Red Lion.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38It's closing time in five minutes!
0:07:38 > 0:07:41SHOUTING AND YELLING
0:07:57 > 0:08:01In conclusion, I was shocked and deeply hurt
0:08:01 > 0:08:06that my platoon should behave in so disrespectful a manner.
0:08:06 > 0:08:12- May I speak a word, Captain?- Yes, Frazer.- Speaking purely for myself,
0:08:12 > 0:08:17I didnae intend any disrespect, sir. Not at all, sir. Not at all!
0:08:17 > 0:08:22But being a student of history, and a man of superior intellect,
0:08:22 > 0:08:30I was fair scunnered by the historical inaccuracies in the film. I stuck it as long as I could, sir,
0:08:30 > 0:08:36but I finally had to speak to the manager about it - from an intellectual point of view.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39And what happened?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I got my one-and-six back.
0:08:42 > 0:08:50- Permission to speak, sir.- Corporal? - I'd like to say, on behalf of us all, that we're very, very sorry.
0:08:50 > 0:08:56- MUTTERS OF AGREEMENT - Maybe so, but fine words butter no parsnips.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59The gramophone, Wilson.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04Eh? You can't get butter, and parsnips are out of season.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- I- can get you butter.- Walker, quiet.
0:09:07 > 0:09:14Now, I'm making the punishment fit the crime - to quote Gilbert and Sullivan.
0:09:14 > 0:09:20- What've THEY got to do with it? - # Make the punishment... #- Be quiet!
0:09:20 > 0:09:25- They were telling me about Gil... - That will do.
0:09:25 > 0:09:31Now, you will come to attention while Sergeant Wilson plays the National Anthem.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34And you will stand and reflect,
0:09:34 > 0:09:40as this glorious tune floats through the hall. Platoon, attention!
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Wilson.- Right, sir.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52THE GERMAN NATIONAL ANTHEM BEGINS
0:09:55 > 0:10:00- Turn that off at once!- What? - I said turn that filth off!
0:10:00 > 0:10:05- HE TURNS IT OFF - What's up?- That was the GERMAN one!
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Sorry, I wasn't listening properly.
0:10:08 > 0:10:13Sir, why don't we hum it? ALL START HUMMING
0:10:13 > 0:10:21- Yes, yes, we know the tune(!) - Sir, it says on the label, "National Anthems Of All Nations".
0:10:21 > 0:10:28- Well, play the BRITISH one! - Where'll it be?- Where d'you think? It'll be first!- Right.
0:10:28 > 0:10:36Corporal, take charge, and don't dismiss the men till you've played the Anthem six times.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- Wilson, the office.- Right.
0:10:40 > 0:10:46Oh, and Jo...! Jones, see that the men stand rigidly to attention throughout.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Attention rigidly! Right.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- For heaven's sake! - I beg your pardon, sir.
0:10:52 > 0:10:59- Good evening.- Why are you at my desk? - Captain Mainwaring, this is MY office and MY desk.
0:10:59 > 0:11:07- It's only through MY kindness that YOU share it.- I've a lot of work to do.- So has the vicar.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Keep out of this, Wilson.- Right.
0:11:10 > 0:11:18- Vicar, you work here all day while I'm busy at the bank.- Look, NOTHING will get me up out of this chair.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21NATIONAL ANTHEM BEGINS
0:11:34 > 0:11:35ANTHEM ABOUT TO END
0:11:37 > 0:11:42Hey, Jonesy. We dinnae want to stand here all day.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Next time, speed it up a bit.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Yeah, righto.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51ANTHEM BEGINS AGAIN Oh, really!
0:11:53 > 0:11:56STARTS TO SPEED UP
0:12:05 > 0:12:08STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:12:09 > 0:12:16- KNOCK ON DOOR - Come in. Ah, Walker.- Just wanted a word with Captain Mainwaring.- OK.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19(Psst... Hoi, I've got your cheese.)
0:12:19 > 0:12:25- Got what?- I'VE GOT YOUR CHEESE!- Oh, yes! It isn't for me, of course.- No.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28As I don't approve of such things.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- Then I'll take it back.- No, no, no!
0:12:30 > 0:12:36It's for my wife. She's very partial to Cheddar cheese.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Walmington-on-Sea 9 2, please.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Looks absolutely delicious, sir.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Take your dirty fingers off it!
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Be a bit more hygienic, Mr Wilson!
0:12:47 > 0:12:53My cheeses are untouched by human hands - they're packed by monkeys.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57My wife'll LOVE this cheese. She's a vegetarian.
0:12:59 > 0:13:05I planned it as a little surprise. We can have a toasted cheese supper.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- That WILL be cosy. - That'll be all, Walker.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Right, I'll put it on your account.
0:13:12 > 0:13:19- Oh, there's your two bottles of...milk stout. - Thank you, Walker. Goodnight.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22No answer from her, sir?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25No, it's very strange. I...
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I don't know what's happened.
0:13:28 > 0:13:33- I say, that cheese looks delicious, doesn't it?- Yes, it does.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- Melts in the mouth. - Does it really?
0:13:42 > 0:13:48- Mmm... Elizabeth will be delighted when I take that home.- Yes...
0:13:48 > 0:13:53Wonder where on Earth the woman's go... Hello! Elizabeth?
0:13:53 > 0:13:58You took a long time to answer, dear. Where've you been? I see.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03- She's been down in the air-raid shelter.- Oh, yes.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08I thought we could sleep in the house tonight, dear.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13After all, we haven't had a raid for over a week now.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Oh, very well. Yes. All right.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20I, eh... I might have a little surprise for you tonight.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25No, no! I've bought...!
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- Anything wrong, sir?- No, no, no.
0:14:32 > 0:14:39- She's had supper and she's going to bed.- Oh. Didn't you tell her about the cheese?
0:14:39 > 0:14:47- Wouldn't listen.- Oh. - Whenever you plan a surprise for a woman, it goes wrong.- Hmm...
0:14:48 > 0:14:55I still fancy that toasted cheese supper. I won't understand women if I live to be a hundred.
0:14:55 > 0:15:00Sir, why don't WE have the supper here?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02You mean, just us two together?
0:15:02 > 0:15:07Yes. We've got bread, and some milk stout...
0:15:07 > 0:15:11- That's very thoughtful of you, Wilson.- Thank you, sir.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Somebody wrote once - I forget who it was -
0:15:15 > 0:15:20"The love for a woman waxes and wanes
0:15:20 > 0:15:23"like the moon and the stars.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27"But the friendship of a man lasts for eternity."
0:15:27 > 0:15:30I value your comradeship, Wilson.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Thank you, sir. That's very kind of you.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39- You won't forget to pay for your half?- No, no, sir.
0:15:39 > 0:15:45- Right, you make the toast and I'll cut the cheese. - KNOCK ON DOOR
0:15:45 > 0:15:50- For heaven's sake! Come in! Oh, it's you.- Well, I'm off. 'Night...
0:15:50 > 0:15:55That's a nice piece of cheese! Having a little snack?
0:15:55 > 0:16:02- Yes. There's only enough for two. - Pity. I'll eat my kidneys on my own. - BOTH: Kidneys?!
0:16:02 > 0:16:10- Yes, I'm taking them home for supper.- No, don't! I'm sure there's enough to go round.
0:16:10 > 0:16:17Yes. Right, we can have toasted cheese and kidneys, with some nice milk stout.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22- That's what I call a real meal - very tasty...- Very sweet!
0:16:31 > 0:16:34That was absolutely delicious!
0:16:34 > 0:16:42You know, sir, it reminds me of when I was at school and we used to have midnight feasts in the dorm.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Really.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48MY school didn't have any midnight feasts.
0:16:48 > 0:16:54We managed with a few aniseed balls in the corner of the playground!
0:16:54 > 0:16:58MY school didn't even have a playground!
0:16:58 > 0:17:03Ooh, that was lovely, that bit of cheese. Really lovely.
0:17:03 > 0:17:10I suppose the fact it's hard to get makes it more delicious. There's no doubt about it.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Forbidden fruits taste sweeter.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19I remember when I was in the Sudan. There was this native girl...
0:17:19 > 0:17:22She was beautiful! Beautiful!
0:17:22 > 0:17:28Well, I THINK she was. She was covered up from head to foot,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31except for her eyes sticking out.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35I don't mean they were sticking out on stalks.
0:17:35 > 0:17:42- They just LOOKED as if they were sticking out. D'you get me, sir? - I think so.
0:17:42 > 0:17:47Anyway, it was love at first sight and I went round to tell my colonel.
0:17:47 > 0:17:55He said, "Jones, I'm talking to you like a Dutch uncle." That's just a saying, you know.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58In fact, he wasn't even Dutch.
0:17:58 > 0:18:05"Look here," he said. "You only desire this woman because she's hiding her mystery.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10"You take my advice. You won't have no more truck with her."
0:18:10 > 0:18:17So, I went round to her house to tell her I'd like to discontinue having truck with her.
0:18:17 > 0:18:24Before knocking, I looked through the shutter and there she was, having a wash down.
0:18:24 > 0:18:31And the colonel was right - when she was undressed, it wasn't her eyes that stuck out...
0:18:31 > 0:18:38- I think I'll go home.- I haven't finished.- I've heard enough, thanks.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44It's absolutely true, you know.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Women are very difficult to understand.
0:18:48 > 0:18:56- You're right there, Wilsy. But Mr Mainwaring's got a nice way with ladies. Eh, sir?- Not really, no.
0:18:56 > 0:19:01What about on the bus when the Warden was rude to that clippie?
0:19:01 > 0:19:09- You were very chivalrous to her, sir.- Well, there's no doubt she was a charming woman. Very charming.
0:19:10 > 0:19:15I somehow...don't see HER turning down a toasted cheese supper.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Oh, well...
0:19:20 > 0:19:24- Goodnight.- Goodnight, sir. - Goodnight.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29He's almost human sometimes, isn't he?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Are you awake, Elizabeth?
0:19:49 > 0:19:54Oh, I shouldn't have eaten all that cheese!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Far too rich.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Two o'clock!
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Where are the bismuth tablets?
0:20:39 > 0:20:44How's the battle going, Marshall Ney? I can't see a thing.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49I told you - we should've sat down the front in the ninepennies!
0:20:56 > 0:21:01- How's it looking, Gordon? - Good. Bluchner's arrived.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Really? I'm in no mood for playing the piano!
0:21:07 > 0:21:11- Your Imperial Majesty. - Yes, Captain Gerard?
0:21:11 > 0:21:16- You 'ave une news terrible.- What? - You've lost the ruddy battle, mate.
0:21:16 > 0:21:23Look, Wellington! There go my brave Highlanders! Give them hell, lads!
0:21:23 > 0:21:29- Yes, they're awfully good. - My feet are frozen! My damn boots leak.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- Why not wear a pair of Wellingtons? - He doesn't take my size.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- Fire!- Balls!- What?!
0:21:41 > 0:21:47- We've run out of cannonballs, sir. - Oh. Then fix bayonets. Remember -
0:21:47 > 0:21:51les Anglais don't like it oopla!
0:21:52 > 0:21:56- Cor blimey! That's handy! Pick it up, lad.- Oui.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00If I split my trousers, my ma will be tres cross.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05- Aow! It ain't half hot, Corporal. - Ram it up, lad.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- Fire!- Excuse me.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Have you got a match?
0:22:11 > 0:22:17Those French cannonballs keep starting fires! PUT THE LIGHTS OUT!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Do be quiet! You get on my nerves!
0:22:21 > 0:22:27- Oh, look! Looks like one of ours. - Dinnae waste it, lads. Fire it back!
0:22:29 > 0:22:33- Your Imperial Majesty. - Yes, Captain Gerard?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- You 'ave a more news terrible.- What?
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Wellington's waiting for you to sign the surrender.
0:22:40 > 0:22:45Very well. But first, I must say farewell to my troops.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48SOMBRE MUSIC
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Platoon, halt!
0:23:22 > 0:23:26You stupid drummer boy!
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Men ready to say farewell to, sir.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37Right, bring that little upstart over here.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44The Duke is waiting for you to sign the surrender, Your Imperial Majesty.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Very well.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53How do you do. How awfully nice to see you. Do sit down. Your name?
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Bonaparte.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00- Initial?- N.- Address?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Versailles - the Palace.
0:24:02 > 0:24:07- What street's that in? - It isn't hard to find.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I see. Right.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Will you please sign that?
0:24:13 > 0:24:18- Pen.- I'm sorry, but I never, ever, lend my pen to anybody.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Have this one - 10 francs.
0:24:21 > 0:24:27- Why 10 francs?- It's special - la plume de ma tante!
0:24:27 > 0:24:33- I can't sign this!- Just sign it, Napoleon!- Look, man, you're beaten.
0:24:33 > 0:24:39- What are you going to do with me? - Send you to the Isle of Elba.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- Permission to speak, sir.- Mmm?
0:24:43 > 0:24:50- The men are waiting to say farewell.- Very well. - What're they doing with you?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Sending me to Elba.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Hence the expression - giving you the Elba!
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Goodbye. Awfully sorry you lost.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05SOMBRE MUSIC AGAIN
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Goodbye, Corporal.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Permission to kiss you, sir.
0:25:20 > 0:25:26Goodbye, sir. I'll get my sister Dolly to send you some upside-down cakes.
0:25:33 > 0:25:38My mum'll be amazed when I tell her I've been kissed by an emperor.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Soldiers of France, our cause is lost.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Your Emperor must say goodbye.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51With this last kiss
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I embrace you all.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56BLOWS HIS NOSE LOUDLY
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Look at the time! They're open!
0:26:00 > 0:26:06- Those Frenchies fought awfully well. See if they want a drink.- Napoleon!
0:26:06 > 0:26:13- The Duke wants you all to have a drink with him!- ALL: Hurray!
0:26:21 > 0:26:27Only two more hours together, my dear, before the ship sails.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31I can't bear to see you leave, Napoleon.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Nor I to leave you.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38You must be brave - the fortunes of war, you know.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41But we still have two hours together.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Why don't we have a farewell toasted cheese supper?
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Ah... A toasted cheese supper, just you and I.
0:26:52 > 0:26:59Please, give me something to remember you by - a likeness perhaps.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Take this.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Think of me sometimes.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09I shall keep it always.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14DING!
0:27:19 > 0:27:22You've punched me on the nose!
0:27:30 > 0:27:38CLIPPIE'S DREAMLIKE VOICE: A toasted cheese supper... Just you and I and a toasted cheese supper...
0:27:52 > 0:27:54(What time is it?)
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Half past eight! Good heavens!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02I'll be late for the bank!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09You awake, Elizabeth? Elizabe...
0:28:11 > 0:28:16"Why were you late last night? I'm not speaking to you today."
0:29:05 > 0:29:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd