0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:11 > 0:00:16# We are the boys who will stop your little game,
0:00:16 > 0:00:21# We are the boys who will make you think again,
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:35# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,
0:00:35 > 0:00:40# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun,
0:00:40 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:52 > 0:00:56There we are. Take 2/3d, Doris!
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- Good morning, Mr Jones.- Morning.
0:00:59 > 0:01:06- Two books?- No, three this week. My brother's home on leave from the Army.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09That's his card.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I see.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Have I got enough for a joint?
0:01:16 > 0:01:22Hardly a joint, Mrs Fox, no. Here's your books, dear.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26You could have brisket, but it's rather tough.
0:01:26 > 0:01:32You might prefer cutlets. They're more toothsome.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36- I'll take the cutlets. - I haven't got any.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40What were you bletherin' about them for?
0:01:40 > 0:01:46Don't be impatient, Mr Frazer. There's a war on, you know.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49What about some nice chump ends?
0:01:49 > 0:01:53You'd get plenty of those and they're not too tough.
0:01:53 > 0:02:00I'll take those. I want to feed him up. He was at Dunkirk, you know.
0:02:00 > 0:02:06- Dunkirk, was he?- Yes.- In that case, I'll give you a couple of sausages.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12- I- didn't get sausages! - You wasn't at Dunkirk!
0:02:12 > 0:02:17No, but I made tea for them, and I rolled bandages!
0:02:17 > 0:02:21You can't have sausages for THAT!
0:02:21 > 0:02:27- Take 3/7d, please, Doris! - Thank you.- Thank you, Mrs Fox.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32- Mr Frazer?- I didnae get corned beef last week. I've come for it now.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Oh, dear, that's all I've got left.
0:02:35 > 0:02:40Them's crumbs! I'm not payin' the sliced rate for crumbs!
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- You can have 'em for 6d.- Done!
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Have you...eh...?
0:02:46 > 0:02:54- Have you heard about Sgt Wilson? - No.- They say he's not to be found. He hasn't been in the bank all day.
0:02:54 > 0:02:59- Now, as you very well know, I am not one for tittle-tattle.- No.
0:02:59 > 0:03:07- I think there's a rift in the loot. - What loot?- Mrs Pike's loot, you old duffer!
0:03:07 > 0:03:10There's a rift in Mrs Pike's loot?!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Poor Mr Wilson.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- Hello, Jonesy! Not a word to a soul.- No.
0:03:18 > 0:03:26- How's tricks?- It's no good you coming here. You're not registered with me. Anyway, we're closing.
0:03:26 > 0:03:32- How about a nice bit of rabbit? - Rabbit? Haven't seen one for ages.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34You have now.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- Where did you...?- It's Bugs Bunny.
0:03:37 > 0:03:44- He's given up the pictures for the war effort. Five bob. I want the skin back.- Why?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47He's maybe going to have it refilled.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51A friend of mine makes mink coats.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Well, you can't get mink!
0:03:54 > 0:04:01One rabbit is no good to me. If they hear I've got rabbit, they'll all want one.
0:04:01 > 0:04:06- Take 6d, Doris!- Are things bad? - They're terrible.
0:04:06 > 0:04:13I've got less than half a sausage per book, and two tins of corned beef was blown!
0:04:13 > 0:04:19And they blame ME. I can't sleep. I'm at the thin end of my wedge.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Don't worry. It's not your fault.
0:04:22 > 0:04:28To hear them talk, you'd think it was. I need 50 rabbits.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31No way. You can't get ammunition.
0:04:31 > 0:04:39- I've got to get something off the ration, Joe. - Something off the ration, eh?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Difficult.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46Supply is limited. But hold on, I just might be able to help you.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52FRAZER: 'Have you heard about Sgt Wilson?
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Well, dinnae tell a soul, but there's a rumour...'
0:05:00 > 0:05:07Anyway, I was coming out of the library when I saw Sgt Wilson with this girl...
0:05:07 > 0:05:11I knew it! There's a woman behind this.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14 He had his arm around her, but...
0:05:14 > 0:05:19There's depravity in every line of his face.
0:05:19 > 0:05:24It'll be the ruin of him. He's gone amok!
0:05:24 > 0:05:27KNOCK AT DOOR
0:05:29 > 0:05:35- Ah, Pike. Any news of Sgt Wilson? - He's not at Mum's, Mr Mainwaring.
0:05:35 > 0:05:42If he doesn't appear by this evening, I'll contact the police.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46- I wouldn't do that if I was you. - Why not?
0:05:46 > 0:05:51Well, I'm sure he'll turn up sooner or later.
0:05:51 > 0:05:56- Are you hiding something?- No. - Come along, out with it, boy.
0:05:56 > 0:06:03Well, the night before last, he and Mum had words.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Ah, I see. What happened?
0:06:06 > 0:06:10I couldn't hear much, leaning over the banisters.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18But he shouted at Mum and she threw him out.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Yes, go on.
0:06:21 > 0:06:27Well, after he'd thrown pebbles at her bedroom window, she shouted,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29"Clear off, you beast!"
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Then she threw something. It broke.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Ah...now I understand.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- She got up early and picked up the pieces.- Yes.
0:06:41 > 0:06:47- Except the handle. - Yes, OK. Keep this to yourself.- OK.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Come in!
0:06:55 > 0:07:00Sir, Sgt Wilson is still not present without leave!
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Shall I start the men up, Sir?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Yes, please, Corporal.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- Run along, Pike. - Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14Right, fall in! Look sharp about it.
0:07:14 > 0:07:20- Where's Walker? Come on, Walker, you're late.- Jonesy, come here.
0:07:20 > 0:07:28- Your problems are over. I got 'em. - What?- The off-the-ration meat. Pigeons, about six dozen of 'em.
0:07:28 > 0:07:36- Pigeons? Where?- In the boiler house next to Mainwaring's office. - They'll go off in the heat.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40No, they won't. They're not dead yet.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43I don't want them flappin' about.
0:07:43 > 0:07:49- I've got them doped. How do you - think I caught 'em?- Well, where...?
0:07:49 > 0:07:54- Come along. No talking.- Right, Sir. Squad, 'shun!
0:07:54 > 0:08:00- Platoon ready for inspection, Sir. - Thank you, Corporal.- Sir.- Fall in.
0:08:10 > 0:08:16- Why aren't you in uniform?- Vital war work, Sir.- We're all doing that.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20I know, but there was a flap on.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Stand at ease!
0:08:35 > 0:08:40- Ready now, Corporal? - I'm ready for anything, Sir.
0:08:40 > 0:08:45On Sunday there will be a voluntary church parade.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I shall expect you all to attend.
0:08:48 > 0:08:55Do you think you could have a word with the vicar? His sermons go on rather long.
0:08:55 > 0:09:00You'll have to take that up with the vicar yourself, Godfrey.
0:09:00 > 0:09:05Now, your arms drill is getting very sloppy.
0:09:05 > 0:09:11I'd rather go into battle with tidy soldiers than with shoddy soldiers.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14So we're going to brass it up.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19As Sgt Wilson isn't with us, I shall take it myself.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Right, properly at ease, everyone.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- Squad...!- Ohhhhhhhh...
0:09:25 > 0:09:28No talking in the ranks.
0:09:28 > 0:09:33- Squad...!- Ohhhh!- I shan't tell you again at the back.
0:09:33 > 0:09:38- Squad...!- Ohhh!- Just a moment. What's going on here?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Ohhhhh...ohhhh.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Ohhhhh.- Wilson! Wilson!
0:09:45 > 0:09:48What? Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Sir.
0:09:48 > 0:09:54- I must've dropped off.- Go to my office at once!- What?- My office!
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Ohhh, it's my head...
0:10:01 > 0:10:07- Good evening. How awfully nice to see you all...- Never mind that!
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Hello. Lovely. Nice to see you.
0:10:10 > 0:10:18- Very nice. Yes, I'll go quickly... - Carry on, Corporal.- Carry on doing what, Sir?- The arms drill.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Oh, yes, I nearly forgot.
0:10:21 > 0:10:27I'd give a whole pound to be in there. It's not our business.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- What's the meaning of this?- Hmm?
0:10:30 > 0:10:35- What is the meaning of this? - I'm sorry, but I feel a bit dizzy.
0:10:35 > 0:10:43- You look all in. Sit down.- Thanks. You must think all this is strange.
0:10:43 > 0:10:49- Have you been drinking?- Oh, yes. I've been drinking. Oh, my head!
0:10:49 > 0:10:54- You've had a skinful! - I suppose I have.
0:10:54 > 0:11:00Tell me about it. The last report I had you were outside Mrs Pike's.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Yes. It was a good thing she missed, wasn't it?
0:11:06 > 0:11:11It was a misunderstanding. She thought I'd been...
0:11:12 > 0:11:15She thought I'd been...
0:11:17 > 0:11:20She thought I'd been...
0:11:20 > 0:11:25Pull yourself together! You're getting woolly-minded.
0:11:25 > 0:11:31It all began many years ago, you see... Oh, Lord.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38- What?- A few years after... A few years after the last...
0:11:38 > 0:11:44- You keep going off into a dream! - I keep seeing birds.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I advise you to sign the pledge.
0:11:47 > 0:11:52There's a war on. Those troops need to be trained.
0:11:52 > 0:11:58If you want to stay in this platoon get out there and train them!
0:11:58 > 0:12:03- Yes...- We'll talk about this after the parade.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Will we? Oh, Lord!
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I don't want any slovenliness...
0:12:10 > 0:12:17Thank you, Corporal Jones, I'll do my best to try and take over now.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23Ohhh! Right, properly at ease. Squad, atten-SHUN!
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Pike, pay attention. Squad, slope arms!
0:12:29 > 0:12:33One, two, three. One, two, three!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Pike, I said, "Slope arms".
0:12:36 > 0:12:42- I'm not going to.- Pardon? - I'm not going to.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46You're not...? Oh, Lord!
0:12:47 > 0:12:52You've done it now, lad. That was mutiny.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55You'll be shot.
0:12:55 > 0:13:02- Yes?- Sorry to bother you, but Pike says he won't. - Won't what?- Slope arms.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11What's all this about?!
0:13:11 > 0:13:17I'm sorry to bother you, but could I have a word in private? Come on.
0:13:19 > 0:13:26- Now, what have you got to say? - I'm to ignore Sgt Wilson. Mum said so.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Am I hearing you right?
0:13:30 > 0:13:35Yes. Mum said I was to ignore Sgt Wilson, so I did.
0:13:35 > 0:13:42- Your mum doesn't run this platoon! - She didn't say I was to ignore YOU. - Very generous of her(!)
0:13:42 > 0:13:50You see, she said that Uncle... Sgt Wilson was a bit of a Casa...
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- A Casanov...- Spit it out, boy!
0:13:54 > 0:14:00Mr Mainwaring...there's a pigeon in your pigeonhole.
0:14:07 > 0:14:14- Jones! Wilson! My office is alive with pigeons!- They've woken up!
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- Open the door, Pike. Let 'em out! - No, don't do that.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23- Get a hold of that one. - Come on...
0:14:23 > 0:14:30- Are these yours?- Yes, Sir. A pigeon-fancier friend didn't fancy 'em no more.
0:14:30 > 0:14:36- They could carry messages.- Where are they coming from?- The boiler house.
0:14:36 > 0:14:44A sergeant incapable, troops who don't obey orders, and now my office is an aviary!
0:14:44 > 0:14:49- BANGING ON DOOR - Come in, damn you!
0:14:56 > 0:15:02- That's the last lot, Jonesy. - I'll keep these for Mr Mainwaring.
0:15:02 > 0:15:09- I thought he was goin' to have me shot. - How much do I owe you?- £5.
0:15:09 > 0:15:16- £5?- I had to give Ted 10 bob to top them.- OK, I'll pay you tomorrow.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22Hoi, put that ruddy light out! Them's Jerry planes.
0:15:22 > 0:15:27- They won't see that little light. - I'm going to book you for this!
0:15:27 > 0:15:33- What about your torch? - Have two pigeons and forget it.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36For me? Oh...
0:15:36 > 0:15:43Well, I... Well, I suppose it's not a very big light. Thanks very much.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46HE WHISPERS
0:15:46 > 0:15:49ANTI-AIRCRAFT FIRE
0:15:49 > 0:15:54- It's a fine barrage tonight. - Yes, 3.7s mostly.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57 Awfully noisy things.
0:15:57 > 0:16:04- Pike, it's after nine o'clock, put the wireless on. - Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Sorry we're late. Those pigeons...
0:16:07 > 0:16:13- I don't want to hear.- A little contribution for you and your wife.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Thank you very much.
0:16:18 > 0:16:25RADIO: 'The mysterious drop in the number of pigeons in Trafalgar Square
0:16:25 > 0:16:29'continues to baffle Londoners...
0:16:29 > 0:16:32'A full investigation is promised.
0:16:32 > 0:16:37'The Home Secretary said it was doubtful if there was a connection
0:16:37 > 0:16:42'between this event and the fall in the number of apes on Gibraltar.'
0:16:42 > 0:16:47No, not the apes! I didn't touch a single ape.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52- Yours, I think, Corporal.- Joe's. - They're not mine. You bought 'em.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I haven't paid for them yet.
0:16:55 > 0:17:03I've just heard the news. I've lost the taste. Oh, that's nice(!)
0:17:03 > 0:17:08Walker, Jones, I think you've got something to do.
0:17:08 > 0:17:15- I'm stayin' here. Joe, here's the keys to my shop.- That's nice - pull up the rope, Joe(!)
0:17:15 > 0:17:18MI5 might come round.
0:17:18 > 0:17:26I can see the headlines now: "Home Guard Commander Arrested For Chasing Birds!"
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Don't hang about, Walker!
0:17:35 > 0:17:39KNOCK AT DOOR
0:17:40 > 0:17:47- Pike.- Mum says, if you see Sgt Wilson, will you tell him she wants a word with him?
0:17:47 > 0:17:53I've given him compassionate leave to sort himself out.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58Oh... She's whitewashing a ceiling and I think she needs some help.
0:17:58 > 0:18:03I wouldn't have thought that was much in his line.
0:18:03 > 0:18:09- He holds the stepladder for her. - Well, he'll be back for the church parade.
0:18:09 > 0:18:15It seems a pity, when rations are short. People might want them.
0:18:15 > 0:18:20I don't know what he did, but they had all gone this morning.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I got rid of them. It wasn't easy.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Did anyone see you?
0:18:26 > 0:18:33- No. But do you want 3 dozen...?- No! I'm going to put Capt Mainwaring's mind at rest.
0:18:33 > 0:18:39Joe, you've never destroyed them, have you? I couldnae bear it.
0:18:39 > 0:18:47Course not. In a few days, I'll let you have a couple... if we don't have a heat wave.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54Mr Mainwaring, I thought you'd be interested to know
0:18:54 > 0:19:00that the things with feathers, which we don't want to mention,
0:19:00 > 0:19:08have been put in a place that we don't want to know about by the man who is going to remain anonymous.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13- You won't hear any more about it. - I see.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Do I make myself plain, Sir?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Yes, you do, Corporal, quite plain.
0:19:20 > 0:19:26Ah, Capt Mainwaring! Here's a note of the hymns for Sunday.
0:19:26 > 0:19:33"Lead Kindly Light", "Rock of Ages", and "Onward Christian Soldiers".
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Yes, fine. Nothing very controversial there.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41We haven't got an organist, you see.
0:19:41 > 0:19:47We sing unaccompanied, so everyone must know the hymns.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51I give them the first note, though. PARP !
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I've no doubt we'll manage.
0:19:54 > 0:19:59- Permission to interject, Sir? - What is it?
0:19:59 > 0:20:04- The vicar doesn't have to blow his pipe.- Should I la-la it?
0:20:04 > 0:20:08We don't want that. Let him play his pipe.
0:20:08 > 0:20:16- I agree. I'd much rather blow this than go "La-a-a-a-a-a-a!"- Yes.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19No, you misunderstand my meaning.
0:20:19 > 0:20:24For "Onward Christian Soldiers" I could play the organ.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27I didn't know you played the organ.
0:20:27 > 0:20:32- I was driven to it by passion. - Really?
0:20:32 > 0:20:37It all happened a long time ago, in Leamington Spa.
0:20:37 > 0:20:44I fell in love with this beautiful lady... Well, she had rather an acid face actually.
0:20:44 > 0:20:50- It was her knees I liked. - Her knees?- Yes, Sir.
0:20:50 > 0:20:56She had very flat knees. I've never seen anyone with such flat knees.
0:20:56 > 0:21:02She was very religious and she did a lot of praying.
0:21:04 > 0:21:10Anyway, I'm sorry to say this, but she drove me mad with lust.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14And I was determined to make her look favourably on me.
0:21:14 > 0:21:22So, haunted by desire, I learned to play "Onward Christian Soldiers" on the organ.
0:21:22 > 0:21:28There I was, with her flat knees imprinted on my brain...
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Eventually, I mastered the tune.
0:21:31 > 0:21:36I rushed round to her house, filled with triumph.
0:21:36 > 0:21:43But it didn't do me any good. She'd moved. But I never lost the touch.
0:21:43 > 0:21:49- Thanks. That'll make a nice change. - Yes, I'm sure it will(!)
0:21:49 > 0:21:52See you all on Sunday, then.
0:22:03 > 0:22:09I've been helpin' her with her blackout curtains.
0:22:22 > 0:22:27- Put that cigarette out, Walker. - Yeah. Sorry.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Hey!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Oh, I'm glad you could make it(!)
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Well, it's all been rather a trial.
0:22:40 > 0:22:46- Could you spare time for a chat after the service(?)- Yes.- Good.
0:22:50 > 0:22:55Oh, darling, I'd forgotten about your heavy suitcases.
0:22:55 > 0:23:01- I'm sorry I can't see you off. - It's OK. I was afraid I'd miss you.
0:23:01 > 0:23:09- I'm glad I've seen you in your uniform. It suits you. - So does yours.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Well, I'm glad you like it.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Well, I must rush or I'll be late.
0:23:15 > 0:23:22- Goodbye, Daddy.- 'Bye, my darling. Thank you for coming to see me. - I'm glad I did. Goodbye.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Give my love to your mother.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- A fine lassie.- Yes.
0:23:36 > 0:23:44Her mother left me when she was very young. I haven't seen much of her over the years.
0:23:44 > 0:23:50- But...well...I got her to a good school.- She does you credit.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Yes, I think it was worth it.
0:23:53 > 0:24:01Still, you see, it's all in the past. I didn't want anybody to know about it, you see.
0:24:03 > 0:24:09I'm an old bletherskite, Wilson. I know that and so do you.
0:24:09 > 0:24:15But I promise ye, nobody will ever hear a word about this frae me.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20Thank you, Frazer, it's very kind of you.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I'd better have one of these.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Get in.
0:24:35 > 0:24:42So this makes it, does it not, even more necessary that we should look into our own hearts?
0:24:42 > 0:24:50We should gaze closely > at ourselves and ask ourselves, are we better than that poor woman?
0:24:50 > 0:24:58If she were to stand > in front of us today, would we be blameless?
0:24:58 > 0:25:03Would we be the one to cast the first stone?
0:25:03 > 0:25:08- I hope you've been listening. - I've heard it all before.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11And now to God the Father... >
0:25:16 > 0:25:21Hoi, where's Jonesy going? He's going to play the organ.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24What's up, Joe? You've gone pale.
0:25:24 > 0:25:31He can't do that. Why not? 50 pigeons are in the pipes!
0:25:31 > 0:25:38Hymn 629. "Onward Christian Soldiers."
0:25:38 > 0:25:44- Where are you going?- Em...to help with the collection.- Go back in.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Pump away. Give me some air.
0:25:49 > 0:25:55OUT-OF-TUNE PLAYING
0:25:55 > 0:26:00Come on, Mr Yeatman, pump up! Can't you pump any harder?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I'm already straining myself.
0:26:07 > 0:26:13# ..into war, Join our happy throng... #
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd