0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:07 > 0:00:12# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:52 > 0:01:00Pay attention! Some of you will know that we are taking part in a Divisional scheme on Saturday.
0:01:00 > 0:01:05- We shall be using live ammunition. - That is good news, sir.
0:01:07 > 0:01:15- A battery of 25-pounders will also be firing over our heads. - How far over?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19We shall also do some house-clearing.
0:01:19 > 0:01:24I shall devote this parade to revising the drill for that.
0:01:24 > 0:01:32- Walker and Frazer will be the shooters. Into your places at the double!- Come along now!
0:01:32 > 0:01:39- You heard what the officer said. At the double! Come on now! - Corporal.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43We're going to do this by numbers. Walker.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46At the door - bang! bang! bang!
0:01:46 > 0:01:50- Frazer.- At the lock - shoot! shoot! shoot!
0:01:51 > 0:01:56- Right, corporal.- Ready when you are, sir.- Kick the door in.- Right.
0:01:56 > 0:02:01Right, sir. At the door - kick, kick, kick.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- Kick the door in!- Right, sir.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Door... Door kicked in, sir.
0:02:18 > 0:02:24- Wilson, chuck your grenade. - Jones is in the way.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29- Stand aside, corporal.- I'm sorry, sir. I haven't been myself today.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34- I had trouble at the shop. - Keep alert.- The brawn wouldn't set.
0:02:34 > 0:02:40You can't serve runny brawn, sir. It makes the customers sneer.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46- Tell them it's cold soup.- Wilson!
0:02:49 > 0:02:53- Pike.- Yes?
0:02:53 > 0:02:58- Well, get on with it!- I'm waiting for the bomb to explode.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04Don't be impertinent, boy. Just do as you're told.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Aaaa-aaaa-ggggh!
0:03:07 > 0:03:13Aaaa-aaaa-gggh! BANG! BANG! BANG! Aaaa-aaaa-gggh!
0:03:13 > 0:03:18- Was that all right, Mr Mainwaring? - You don't say that.
0:03:18 > 0:03:23- Reporting house cleared, sir. - Reporting house cleared, sir.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30Now we'll... Wilson! Wilson, there's no explosion.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34No, I just can't stand that boy shouting.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Now we'll do it using blank ammunition.
0:03:40 > 0:03:49I want you to tell Mainwaring this is my hall as much as his. It's MY hall.
0:03:49 > 0:03:55Mainwaring's too big for his trousers. GUNFIRE >
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Aaaa-aaaa-aaaa-aaaa-gggh!
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Aaaa-aaaa-gggh!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Reporting house cleared, sir.
0:04:25 > 0:04:30- Except for the vicar, the verger and Mr Hodges.- What?!
0:04:38 > 0:04:42# ..Come on, hold your hand out
0:04:42 > 0:04:45# We're all fed up with you
0:04:45 > 0:04:46# Cor blimey! #
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- KNOCKING AT THE DOOR - Come in!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02The men are ready, sir.
0:05:02 > 0:05:08- Thank you, sergeant. - Oh, that is awfully smart, sir. - Thank you.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13I thought it advisable to get something warm before the chilly weather sets in.
0:05:13 > 0:05:21- Quite, sir.- It's tailored specially. It cost 18 guineas.- I ought to try and get something like that myself.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23They're for officers only.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Patrol, ATTENTION!
0:05:31 > 0:05:37The chocolate soldier himself(!) It's Nelson Eddy.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45I heard that, Walker. See me later.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Stand at ease!
0:05:51 > 0:05:59Our task on this scheme is to occupy a deserted barn and deny it to the enemy.
0:05:59 > 0:06:05- PHONE - Answer that, corporal. It will be HQ.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- Permission to speak, sir.- Yes?
0:06:08 > 0:06:13General Lord Kitchener had a coat similarly identical to yours, sir.
0:06:13 > 0:06:22- Oh?- Except his was blue and it didn't have brass buttons, and it was much longer.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26Go and answer the phone, ye auld crawler.
0:06:26 > 0:06:32- Don't speak to me like that, private!- Jones, the telephone.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Yes, sir. Very good, sir.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40- As we're using live ammunition, I'm taking no chances.- Quite, sir.
0:06:40 > 0:06:46- I'm putting Jones in charge of the vehicle park.- That's a relief.
0:06:48 > 0:06:56- Jack Jones the butcher.- Jones, I've got the map reference for Captain Mainwaring. Take it down.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I'll take your order straightaway.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04It's 9-3-7-6-4-1.
0:07:04 > 0:07:079-3-7... Blast!
0:07:07 > 0:07:12Sorry, sir. Could you hold on a minute, sir? Only the lead's gone.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I've got 9-3-7 up to now, sir.
0:07:18 > 0:07:23On the command "fall out" you will put your kit into Jones's van.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Right? Platoon...
0:07:27 > 0:07:32I don't think we need quite as much first-aid kit as that, Godfrey.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35That's my picnic, sir.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Picnic?
0:07:38 > 0:07:46- You told us to bring food. - I meant sandwiches. - They're indigestible to me, sir.
0:07:46 > 0:07:52- My sister has made me a vegetable flan and rice pudding.- Rice pudding?
0:07:52 > 0:07:57This is no place for rice pudding! Leave it in my office.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02- And leave the spoon.- Walker!
0:08:02 > 0:08:05The rest of you fall out.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09- Have you got a pencil? - Yeah, here you are.
0:08:09 > 0:08:14- Hello? - Can I help, sir?
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Whoever you are, take down these numbers.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Certainly, sir. Just a moment, sir.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- Numbers, sir. - 6-4-1.
0:08:26 > 0:08:296-4-1.
0:08:29 > 0:08:35- He's got the other numbers. - Yes. 9-3-7.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37See Captain Mainwaring gets them.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Yes. Is there anything else, sir?
0:08:41 > 0:08:48- What are you playing at? - Taking a message from the colonel. - Are you after my job?
0:08:48 > 0:08:56- Mr Mainwaring, I have essential supplies to collect, so I'll see you later, if that's all right.- Yes.
0:08:56 > 0:09:02No, it isn't all right. I'm fed up with your black-market activities.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Black-market?!
0:09:05 > 0:09:09That's LIABLE! If you must know - and you're not entitled to -
0:09:09 > 0:09:16I'm going to collect three scooters I've had made up for the kids in Eastgate Hospital.
0:09:16 > 0:09:21- I see.- So, I'll see you later.- Yes.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26# I'm only a chocolate soldier... #
0:09:26 > 0:09:34# Adolf, you toddle off And all your Nazis, too
0:09:34 > 0:09:38# For you may get something to remind you
0:09:38 > 0:09:40# Of the old Red, White and Blue. #
0:09:40 > 0:09:45ENGINE LABOURS
0:09:46 > 0:09:49ENGINE EXPIRES
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- What's wrong?- It won't go.
0:09:52 > 0:10:00- The big end's gone.- Just my luck! The guarantee's run out. - The farm's miles away.
0:10:00 > 0:10:07- We shall march. Get the men out, sergeant. - Chaps, we're going for a stroll.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- All right, Mr Mainwaring?- Of course.
0:10:13 > 0:10:20- Stay here and guard the vehicles. When we get in position, contact HQ. - Yes, sir.
0:10:20 > 0:10:27- How will I know you're in position? - You'll need a signal of some kind. - Smoke signals, sir.
0:10:27 > 0:10:33- Stupid boy!- No, it's a good idea. We'll make a smoke signal.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38How will I know you're not a bonfire?
0:10:38 > 0:10:42We could send three little puffs and one big puff.
0:10:42 > 0:10:47When we're in position, we'll send you three victory puffs, corporal.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Very good, sir.
0:10:49 > 0:10:56Fall in as quickly as you can. Carry your greatcoats and equipment.
0:10:56 > 0:11:02He can't carry himself! I'm afraid my gout is playing up, sir.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Stay and guard the vehicles with Jones.
0:11:11 > 0:11:16- Hello, sir. - What on earth have you got there?
0:11:16 > 0:11:21- You can have it. Ten quid.- Fall in!
0:11:21 > 0:11:25It's got its own cold-weather starter.
0:11:25 > 0:11:30Sir, won't you be rather hot marching in that overcoat?
0:11:30 > 0:11:36- Certainly not. Very good cloth. Cool in summer, warm in winter. - Oh, I see.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I'm on my way to battalion HQ.
0:11:43 > 0:11:49I beg your pardon, sir. I thought this was my HQ. Now I find it's yours.
0:11:49 > 0:11:55- No, it's yours. My car's outside. Guard it, will you? - Yes, sir.
0:11:55 > 0:12:01- Excuse me, sir. Who am I guarding it from?- From the Germans, actually.
0:12:01 > 0:12:07- I haven't immobilised it. - I'll see those Germans don't mobilise it, sir.
0:12:11 > 0:12:18Left, right. Left, right. Left right. HALT! Fall out!
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Now, you sit down there, Mr Godfrey.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26I'll get on to H...headquarters Q. Right?
0:12:26 > 0:12:32Now, just a minute. Now, let's see... The time. Yes, the time.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35That has twenty-three minutes past.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40Mr Mainwaring has got to march two miles to the barn.
0:12:40 > 0:12:46If they march at three and a half miles an hour, when will they arrive?
0:12:46 > 0:12:53- I couldn't march that fast. - No, well, we'll call it three miles an hour.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Three miles an hour...two miles...
0:12:56 > 0:12:59That's three twoths of an hour.
0:12:59 > 0:13:06No, two thirds. Forty minutes. They'll arrive at three minutes past the hour.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Yeah, that's what we'll call it.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14Right, I'll get on to HQ. That was quick, wasn't it, Mr Godfrey?
0:13:14 > 0:13:18I pretend I'm measuring cloth.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22I must try that. I'll work it out in chops.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Hello? Hello, HQ quarters?
0:13:28 > 0:13:32They will arrive at three minutes past.
0:13:32 > 0:13:40- Who'll arrive where at three minutes past what?- Captain Mainwaring. Three minutes past two.
0:13:40 > 0:13:46- Why didn't you say that?- Sorry. Could you tell me your rank, please?
0:13:46 > 0:13:53- Signalman.- I'm a lance corporal, so you just watch it and be a bit more polite!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Platoon, halt!
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Fall out. Pike, light the fire.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21Pile your overcoats in that corner.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- Very muggy for the time of year, sir.- Yes.
0:14:27 > 0:14:33- Put my coat on the top of the pile, Wilson. I don't want it spoiled. - All right.
0:14:33 > 0:14:40- I can't see any smoke signals. - I doubt if I'd see them even if they were there.
0:14:40 > 0:14:47- You ought to get glasses. - I had a pair once, but they made me look old.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53That don't worry me. I AM old.
0:14:53 > 0:15:00- It's not going awfully well, sir. - Get on with it!- Centre it, please.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Right. Now, away!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Over! Away!
0:15:06 > 0:15:11- Over! Away! - MEN SPLUTTER
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Over! Away!
0:15:15 > 0:15:20Over! How long should the break in the letters be, sir?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- About ten seconds.- Ah. Right.
0:15:23 > 0:15:31Now, then... One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
0:15:31 > 0:15:36- It's on fire!- What are you doing? - You insisted on a ten-second pause.
0:15:36 > 0:15:43- You've ruined that blanket. - It's an overcoat, sir. - Whose is it?
0:15:43 > 0:15:47I definitely do NOT know, sir.
0:15:47 > 0:15:55Whoever's it is will have to pay for it. Pick up your greatcoats. I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
0:15:56 > 0:16:01That's it! Three little puffs and a big puff. Right.
0:16:01 > 0:16:09I'll get on to HQ quarters head, and you chop some wood up and we'll have a nice brew-up, shall we?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I'm fed up with this carelessness!
0:16:15 > 0:16:20Whoever did it ought to be on a charge. Who hasn't got a greatcoat?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Rear rank.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Centre rank.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Front rank.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38- It wouldn't be you, Wilson?- No, sir.
0:16:38 > 0:16:44- What did you do with mine?- I put it on top of the pile, like you said.
0:16:45 > 0:16:51It wasnae deliberate, sir. It definitely was NOT deliberate.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Hello, HQ headquarters Q ?
0:16:56 > 0:17:01Captain Mainwaring and number 1 platoon are in their positions.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- Oh, yeah? Where?- Where?
0:17:05 > 0:17:11Oh, wait... Wait a minute. Here you are. Reference 6-4-1-9-3-7.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15You mean 9-3-7-6-4-1, don't you?
0:17:15 > 0:17:196-4-1-9-3-7 is the target for the 25-pounders.
0:17:19 > 0:17:26That'll be it, then. Captain Mainwaring and the platoon are in their positions.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Right. TTFN.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32My word, that's a bit of a laugh!
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- Psst!- Yes?
0:17:45 > 0:17:52I've just been on the phone to HQ quarters. "Captain Mainwaring is in position 6-4-1-9-3-7," I said.
0:17:52 > 0:17:59"That's the target," he said. I'd given him the wrong number.
0:17:59 > 0:18:036-4-1-9-3-7 IS where Captain Mainwaring went.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- Are you sure?- Absolutely.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10I never forget a number. I nearly went into the accounts department.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14But if it is, they'll all get blown up.
0:18:14 > 0:18:21- Oh, dear.- Don't panic. I'll tell them to stop the firing. Don't panic!
0:18:29 > 0:18:34Don't panic! Stop the firing! Stop the firing! Stop the firing!
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Hello? Hello, hello? HELLO?!
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Hello! Hello! It's dead.
0:18:45 > 0:18:53- Oh, I'd better run to headquarters. - I don't think we have time for that.
0:18:53 > 0:18:59- I can go very swiftly, if I have to. - I don't even know where it is. - But we must warn Captain Mainwaring.
0:18:59 > 0:19:07That's one thing we must do. We'll warn Captain Mainwaring. And... We mustn't waste a minute. And we...
0:19:07 > 0:19:13- They take forty minutes to march. How long will we take to run? - About an hour.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20But the firing starts in half an hour.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24THE FIRING STARTS IN HALF AN HOUR! Don't panic!
0:19:24 > 0:19:32- I know! We'll drive. - But your van's broken.- Never mind. There's two cars outside.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37We'll go there in the two cars and drive the platoon away in those.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- We'll both drive. - But I can't drive.
0:19:41 > 0:19:46There's nothing to it, Mr Godfrey. I'll show you.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Look, now. You switch on.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Then you pull the self-starter.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55And then you tiddle...you tiddle...
0:19:55 > 0:19:59You tiddle your foot on the accelerator.
0:19:59 > 0:20:06Here's the gears. First gear up there, second gear down there, third gear there, top up there.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Now the other foot comes into play. Depress the clutch.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15Put it in number one and slowly draw your foot off the clutch.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Not as slow as that!
0:20:18 > 0:20:20It'll be fine. You'll be sitting.
0:20:20 > 0:20:27- Don't sit down now, though! - Could we go through it again? - I'll show you.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36- Mr Mainwaring.- Yes? - What are we doing here?
0:20:36 > 0:20:42- We're denying this barn to the enemy. - I wouldn't give a fiver for it.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47You must admit it is rather a lovely view.
0:20:47 > 0:20:53- It's the strategic importance that concerns us. Keep watch, Frazer. - Oh, aye, sir.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00It's no good. I'll tow you.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Mr Jones, you didn't explain about the steering.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Battery target, farm buildings...
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Load!
0:21:16 > 0:21:22- Nothing will happen yet, so the men should consume their rations. - All right, sir.
0:21:22 > 0:21:27- Fellas, you can eat your rations. - Come on, lads!
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Hang on, Mr Godfrey!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Mr Jones, which way do I turn the wheel?
0:21:59 > 0:22:04Don't worry, Mr Mainwaring. I'm coming!
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Are you all right, Mr Godfrey?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Yes. I think I'm beginning to get the hang of it.
0:22:24 > 0:22:29- I have an idea. - We only have seven minutes.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34We'd better hurry, or Mr Mainwaring will be blown to kingdom come.
0:22:34 > 0:22:42- You'd hardly think there was a war on, would you?- No, it's beautiful. Absolutely beautiful, isn't it?
0:22:42 > 0:22:49- Listen. Isn't that a skylark? - CHIRRUPING - Yes, I believe it is.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Hadn't better fly too high. Get its feathers shot off.
0:22:56 > 0:23:02Listen, you chaps, the 25-pounders will open up in a few minutes.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Their shells will whistle over us.
0:23:06 > 0:23:14It's a terrifying noise but there's no need to be scared. The artillery chaps know what they're doing.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19Three five zero degrees angle of sight.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Two degrees three minutes depression.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Look after the car, Mr Godfrey.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37I do wish I could hasten things.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44B troop ready to fire, sir.
0:24:47 > 0:24:54- My, my, it's warm, isn't it? - Yes. No need for you to wear your overcoat after all, sir.
0:24:56 > 0:25:03- Two minutes to go. I wonder how our chaps will react under fire. - What are they firing at?
0:25:03 > 0:25:09- They're firing at a disused barn. - What happens after the shooting?
0:25:09 > 0:25:13That'll be the end of the exercise. We shan't be here to find out.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17It all seems rather pointless.
0:25:17 > 0:25:24- Yes. I suppose the brass hats will learn something. But WE'LL never know.- No.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Who said Jonesy could drive my car?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Mr Mainwaring!
0:25:44 > 0:25:51- Don't panic! Don't panic! - Mr Jones...- Mr Mainwaring, don't panic!- I'm NOT panicking!
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- What is it?- Mistake...map...
0:25:54 > 0:26:00Farm barn proper target for 25-pounders... You, here!
0:26:00 > 0:26:04You have 45 seconds to clear off, starting NOW!
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Stand by. One minute to go.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Thirty seconds to go.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Stop the car. Everybody out!
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Fire!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Stop!
0:27:19 > 0:27:22It seems to be all over.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26I'll have somebody's blood for this. My battledress is ruined.
0:27:26 > 0:27:31Yes. Good job you weren't wearing your overcoat, isn't it?
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Subtitles by Audrey Flynn BBC Scotland 1991