0:00:03 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# If you think we're on the run
0:00:11 > 0:00:16# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:16 > 0:00:21# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:35# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
0:00:35 > 0:00:40# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
0:00:40 > 0:00:45# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:52 > 0:00:57- Wilson, read these notes in a loud clear voice.- A loud clear voice.
0:00:57 > 0:01:02- Have you sorted the slides, Jones? - I shan't be a tick.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06I'm very excited. We've never had a lecture like this.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09It's...it's a perfect disgrace!
0:01:09 > 0:01:16Stuck in here like this on a beautiful summer's evening,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18with the blackouts up.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21We need them to see the pictures.
0:01:21 > 0:01:27But it's positively unhealthy, son. You can cut the air with a knife.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Look at him.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33The silly old fool's in a deep coma.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Don't wake him. He's been up all day (!)
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Hey!
0:01:39 > 0:01:45# Why are we waiting, Why are we waiting? #
0:01:45 > 0:01:50- What's happening out there? - Sounds like Frazer.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- I thought so too. - # Oh, why, why...
0:01:53 > 0:01:58- # ..why?- Quiet! - # Why are we...? #- Be quiet!
0:01:58 > 0:02:02We will come out only when we're ready.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- Are the blackouts up?- Yes, sir.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Here, this is a lot of Zulus dancing.
0:02:08 > 0:02:13That's the vicar's lecture, "Light Into Darkest Africa".
0:02:13 > 0:02:18Let's go! Right, settle down! Pike, put out the lights!
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- Wilson, light the candles.- Aye, sir.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29Now, the subject this evening is "Know Your Enemy".
0:02:29 > 0:02:33We're going to show you some Germans in uniform.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Right.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Wilson. Wilson!
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- You're not in church.- Sorry, sir.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55- Ready to show the slides, Corporal? - Yes. Ready in a minute. Keep back.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Are you ready to read the notes?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Quite ready, sir.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- First slide. - Have you got your clicker?
0:03:16 > 0:03:23- Have I what?- It's a little metal frog. You go click and I know when to change slide.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- No, I haven't a clicker. - Oh. Get the vicar's clicker.
0:03:29 > 0:03:35- You're not having the vicar's clicker! - Would you mind saying click, sir?
0:03:35 > 0:03:41- Certainly not. Put the first slide in.- Very good, sir, right. CLICK!
0:03:41 > 0:03:48Private. Infantry Rifleman, front. Grey uniform. Colours on right of steel helmet.
0:03:48 > 0:03:54Several things to notice, but I want you to particularly notice the eyes.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Mean, shifty, set too close together.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Typical Nazi. Next slide.
0:04:01 > 0:04:07- Click!- Just a minute! I'm the one supposed to say click.- Come on!
0:04:07 > 0:04:11- Don't you say click! - Get the next slide!- Right. Click!
0:04:11 > 0:04:18- Private. Infantry Rifleman, rear. German eagle on left side of helmet. - There.
0:04:18 > 0:04:25Notice the red, nasty, bull neck bulging out over the collar.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Also typically Nazi. Right, next one.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- Click!- Click! Oh, shut up! Click!
0:04:32 > 0:04:38- Panzer Grenadier. Light Machine Gunner.- Now, notice the ears, here.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42There are no lobes. Well-known criminal trait.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52- Mr Mainwaring, aren't there any nice-looking Germans?- No.
0:04:53 > 0:04:59- What's that thing hanging down? - What thing?- That thing there?
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- This thing here?- That thing there.
0:05:04 > 0:05:09- What is that thing hanging down there?- I don't know. It doesn't say.
0:05:09 > 0:05:15Excuse me, sir, I think it's the starting-handle to a pansy-tank.
0:05:15 > 0:05:20- Yes, very possibly. Next one. - Right, sir. Click!
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Cavalry, Private, First Class.
0:05:23 > 0:05:28- That's smart.- I don't want any of that sort of talk, Pike.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32That's not smart! That's ersatz rubbish.
0:05:32 > 0:05:38That uniform'll fall to bits in weeks. All for show, not blow.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43Not like the British uniform. Strong, sturdy, lasting, crafted.
0:05:46 > 0:05:52- Carry on, sergeant. - Right. Cavalrymen serving in... - < Sir! Sir!
0:05:52 > 0:05:57- Yes, Frazer?- Could you ask the sergeant to speak up?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00I cannae hear him! He's mumbling!
0:06:02 > 0:06:06- Can't any of you hear?- No, no. No! Sorry, uncle!
0:06:08 > 0:06:15Wilson! How can I command attention when you talk in that boring voice? It's very monotonous.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20- Try and lift it up and down a bit. - Right, sir, I'll do my best.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25Cavalrymen...serving in infantry reconnaissance units...
0:06:25 > 0:06:31belong to the infantry arm. Armoured division infantry are designated...
0:06:31 > 0:06:37- All right, that'll do.- Is that going up and down enough, do you think?
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Notice the dozy look on this man's face.
0:06:41 > 0:06:46Quite different from our keen, alert...Godfrey! Godfrey!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Waken him up someone!
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Be keen and alert!
0:06:50 > 0:06:56Oh, sorry, sir. I must have dropped off. It's rather stuffy in here.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01Yes. I'm afraid you must put up with it. You're on active service.
0:07:02 > 0:07:08It's likely that the first Germans we encounter, will be parachutists.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Can we have the first parachutist, Corporal?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15All right, sir, keep back. Click!
0:07:15 > 0:07:19ROARS OF LAUGHTER
0:07:19 > 0:07:23- It's upside down! - It's not upside down, he's...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Of course it's upside down!
0:07:26 > 0:07:32Jones may be right. Maybe his 'chute failed and he landed on his head!
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Don't be absurd, Walker. Turn it round!
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Right, sir. - Parachutist, 2nd Lieutenant.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Mr Mainwaring, why's he got such titchy legs?
0:07:45 > 0:07:51They're not titchy legs, it's his uniform. The crutch is cut low.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I wouldn't say it was all that low.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01- Stuffing, sir!- What's that, Frazer?
0:08:01 > 0:08:05(Stuffing.) Protection. Padding, for protection.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08In case he lands on iron railings.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13That's right. They don't like landing on iron railings...
0:08:13 > 0:08:16All right. All right.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19You may have a point there, Walker.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23All the iron railings have gone for scrap.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27The Germans don't know that.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Where's his gun? Left on the plane!
0:08:31 > 0:08:36Walker, one more word and I'll ask you to leave.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- Evening, Napoleon! GROANS - Well?
0:08:39 > 0:08:43A word with the verger. Sorry.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47I'm looking after the vicar's apparatus.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Why are you all crouched in the dark?
0:08:50 > 0:08:55- I'm giving a lecture.- A lecture? You're looking at funny photos.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59- Funny photos? - Yeah, girls with no...whoa!
0:08:59 > 0:09:04- Girls...? How dare you! Get out! - Not till I've seen the verger.
0:09:04 > 0:09:10- Well, sit down till I'm finished. You might learn something. - Right, go on!
0:09:10 > 0:09:17- German Navy...- Just a minute! I'll give the orders here. - Sorry.- Be quiet!
0:09:17 > 0:09:22- Shall I go now?- Yes.- German Navy. Admiral of the Line.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25The number of rings worn denote the rank.
0:09:25 > 0:09:33- Slide, please.- Yes, sir, sorry, I'm in a bit of a muddle. Stand back, stand back.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- Sort it out.- Yes, right, sir. Ready, sir, ready.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- Read it out again.- Right, sir.
0:09:40 > 0:09:46- German Navy. Admiral of the Line. The number of rings worn denotes rank.- Click!
0:09:46 > 0:09:49CHEERS AND CLAPPING
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- Shut the door, Wilson.- Yes, sir.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07I didn't say anything out there.
0:10:07 > 0:10:12- I didn't want to show you up. - I don't understand.
0:10:12 > 0:10:18It's that ridiculous eye-glass. You look like an advertisement for Sharp's Toffee.
0:10:18 > 0:10:25I wear this monocle because I have a weakness in my right eye. It's been bothering me.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29The oculist recommended it.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34Weakness, my foot (!) Why can't you wear glasses like anybody else?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Anyway, they're for officers only.
0:10:36 > 0:10:42Show me, in King's Regulations, where it says I can't wear one.
0:10:42 > 0:10:48- I needn't. Sergeants don't wear monocles.- Officers shouldn't wear arch supports!
0:10:48 > 0:10:54- Leave my feet out of it!- Only if you leave my eyes out of it.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Look here...
0:10:58 > 0:11:02- Let's not be childish.- Quite, sir.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- Have you considered the hazards? - Yes.
0:11:05 > 0:11:11If you wear a gas-mask and drop it, you couldn't put it back in.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14It would rattle about inside the mask.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18No sergeant of mine will have a rattling monocle.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Besides, you might block the air intake.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- KNOCK AT DOOR - Come in.
0:11:27 > 0:11:32- What is it, Frazer? - Captain Mainwaring, I'll come straight to the point.
0:11:32 > 0:11:39You've always wasted a lot of our precious time. Tonight was the last straw.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- Look here, Frazer!- Let me finish.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48I've made some careful notes. If you'll just haud on a wee...
0:11:48 > 0:11:53I'll give you one or two items that might interest ye.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55On November the 6th, 1940,
0:11:55 > 0:12:02you wasted three hours giving us a lecture on why the Germans don't play cricket.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06On January the 28th, 1941,
0:12:06 > 0:12:11you lectured us on how Hitler, when he's in a rage, bites the carpet.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- It's well known.- Maybe. You then wasted two hours,
0:12:16 > 0:12:22working out a plan on how to send him a poisoned hearth-rug.
0:12:24 > 0:12:31According to my notes, it comes to a total of four hundred and thirty-eight hours
0:12:31 > 0:12:35wasted on useless blathering.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38That's how I feel.
0:12:38 > 0:12:43I had to tell you to your face. No offence intended, you understand.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46That's all!
0:12:47 > 0:12:52- Incredible! That's rank insubordination. - It was rather strong.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Strong (?) I've had enough of him.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00He's been a thorn in my side ever since this unit was formed. I...
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- Wait a minute! Grumbling, grumbling...- Pardon?
0:13:04 > 0:13:09- There's something in the Home Guard Manual.- Oh, yes? What was that?
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Ah! Here we are. Man Management.
0:13:17 > 0:13:24- There is a cure for unnecessary grousing, but a bad CO or NCO may be afraid to try it.- Mm-hm.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27It is a temporary exchange of rank.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Let the grumbler run the section or platoon,
0:13:31 > 0:13:36and learn for himself that it is not so easy.
0:13:36 > 0:13:43- I'm not afraid.- Right. - I'll throw out the challenge.- Sir. - He'll soon stop.- Yes.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47And in conclusion... I feel...
0:13:47 > 0:13:53I must say, that there is in the ranks a certain dissatisfaction,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56with my method of command.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00- Permission to speak, sir?- Yes.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03I want to say this. I see it this way.
0:14:03 > 0:14:10An officer is an officer. A sergeant is a sergeant. And a private is a private.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Yes?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18That's all there is, sir.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24- What's that got to do with it? - I thought I ought to say it.
0:14:27 > 0:14:33I think it's unfair, if many are blamed for the errors of the few.
0:14:33 > 0:14:39- Hear, hear!- Glad to hear that, Frazer. It underlines my point.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41You are the chief culprit.
0:14:41 > 0:14:47- Me?- Yes. Whenever there's any discontent, you are at the bottom of it.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51I have only one thing to say about this.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56If any of you think you can run this platoon better than me,
0:14:56 > 0:15:00you're welcome to try, starting now.
0:15:00 > 0:15:05- That'll take the wind out of his sails.- Yes.- Any comments?
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- Yes. I have.- Yes, Frazer?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Give me your pips!
0:15:12 > 0:15:15DROPS BATON
0:15:17 > 0:15:22Naw, naw. Ye canny wheedle your way out of this with me.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24There's a discrepancy.
0:15:24 > 0:15:288 yards of 4 x 2 unaccounted for.
0:15:28 > 0:15:33- Well, I...- Sta-a-and tae attention while addressing an officer.
0:15:33 > 0:15:39- I...may have given a little extra to some of the chaps.- Precisely.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43- Hm?- Incompetence... and extravagance...
0:15:43 > 0:15:46maybe even corruption!
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Well, that's it. You're busted.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- Pardon?- You heard. You're busted. Get them off.
0:15:55 > 0:16:01- Get what off?- Those stripes. I want those stripes, PRIVATE Wilson.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04And tell yon stout fella to come in.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- Look here, you can't...- QUIET!
0:16:07 > 0:16:13You're dismissed. Right turn, quick march! Left! Right! Hey, you!
0:16:13 > 0:16:19Walker! In here. Oh! At the double!
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Everything all right, Wilson?
0:16:29 > 0:16:35- Frazer has gone too far. - I'm sure you can handle him. - He busted me!
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- He's what?- Reduced me to the ranks.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Ah. Hm.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47It's a good sign, really. Give him enough rope to hang himself.
0:16:47 > 0:16:55- What's he busted you for? - Some discrepancy in the store. 8 yards of 4 x 2. I ask you!
0:16:55 > 0:17:01- I've warned you too. - He was offensive. Told me to take my stripes off.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- You should do something about it. - Yes.
0:17:05 > 0:17:10- I will.- Thank-you. I knew I could rely on you.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Hand me those scissors, will you?
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Ha (!) All these ribbons (!)
0:17:18 > 0:17:25They cut no ice with me, Jones. You should know where you stand from the start.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28You're a woolly-minded old ditherer.
0:17:28 > 0:17:33- A woolly-minded old ditherer? - At least your hearing's sound.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37If that's what you think, I'm resigning.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41I wouldn't serve under you if the King asked me.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45I'm reducing myself to the ranks as effect from now.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48A good riddance o' bad rubbish.
0:17:48 > 0:17:54Don't come to my shop for sausages. The answer will be the infirmative.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Sorry, Wilson, you must soldier on as a private.
0:18:01 > 0:18:07I know he'll be rude to me and I cannot bear that. My heart pounds,
0:18:07 > 0:18:10and I just have to sit down.
0:18:10 > 0:18:16- You don't sit when I'm rude.- I know but I don't take any notice of you.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- KNOCKING - Come in.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33- What is it, corporal? - Well...Cap-tain Mainwaring...
0:18:33 > 0:18:37- Cap...Captain Mainwaring... - Is something the matter?
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Sir, you know me... I'd go through fire...
0:18:41 > 0:18:44and brimstone and treacle for you.
0:18:45 > 0:18:53I will not serve under a common man, sir, so after forty years, I'm resigning my non-commission.
0:18:56 > 0:19:02- Go and sit down, corporal. Playing right into our hands.- Oh, really?
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Antagonising people. No-one will serve under him.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- KNOCKING - Come in.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12- Excuse me. Uncle Private?- Oh, Frank!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- Shall I tell Mum you'll be home?- Yes.
0:19:16 > 0:19:21- Captain Frazer says I can go home now with the good news.- What news?
0:19:21 > 0:19:26He says I have hidden qualities of drive, tenacity and leadership.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31- So he gave me this.- Oh...oh...
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Right!
0:19:33 > 0:19:39Captain Frazer says Privates Wilson and...Jones can go home to recuperate.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Wants you here tomorrow, 6.30 SHARP!
0:19:42 > 0:19:47Sir! His compliments. He wants your stick and gloves.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50How dare he!
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Come in, man. Come in, come in!
0:19:54 > 0:20:01- Sit ye down. Take the weight off your feet.- Thank-you. You're very kind.
0:20:01 > 0:20:09Now, my dear friend, I know I've said some harsh things to you, for your own good, but no doubt they hurt.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I felt you never meant them unkindly.
0:20:12 > 0:20:20Precisely. I'm a simple man. I speak my mind and what's in this hard old Scottish heart.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25But now I'm in charge, you need have no fears. I sympathise wi' ye.
0:20:25 > 0:20:32- That's very kind. - If ever you feel off colour, or it's your day for the clinic,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35don't worry about it.
0:20:35 > 0:20:40- Don't bother to come in at all. - That's very understanding.
0:20:40 > 0:20:46But if you do, you'll do as the others and take the consequences.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48So now we know where we stand.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50KNOCKING Come in.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Oh! SQUAD 'SHUN!
0:20:56 > 0:21:02- Are you the commander?- I am indeed. - I'm Menzies. Your new area command.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06I'm glad they put a Scotsman in charge.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10- Where are you from? - The Isle of Barra, sir.
0:21:10 > 0:21:17A wild and lonely place it is, you understand. The life is hard and so are the men.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- That's what we need now. - Aye.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- I might go now? - Aye, go on, go on.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Thank-you for being so considerate...
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I think.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36How are things with the unit?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40It's been a bad day. My sergeant's on the fiddle,
0:21:40 > 0:21:44my corporal's incompetent, but, I busted them both.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Oh, I see. Can you replace them?
0:21:47 > 0:21:52- It's already done.- Well, there's no worries here.- Thank-you, sir.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57Oh, Captain, I don't suppose you play the pipes?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Indeed I do, sir.
0:21:59 > 0:22:04I'm planning a wee Highland do at HQ Officers' Mess. Will you come?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07It'll be a rare honour, sir.
0:22:07 > 0:22:12Good. I'll send you an invitation. Meanwhile, carry on the good work.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16- Thank-you, sir.- Good day, Captain Mainwaring.- Good day...
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Mainwaring...
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32I'm glad Mainwaring impressed you.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35I never knew he played the bagpipes.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38He does. He told me himself.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43I didn't know he was a Scot. Mainwaring's not a Scots name.
0:22:43 > 0:22:48Perhaps he was MacMainwaring and he dropped the Mac!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Perhaps it wasn't raining?
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Haven't you a comic to read, boy?
0:22:57 > 0:23:03I've asked him and the unit to come over to pipe in the haggis.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05It's been years!
0:23:05 > 0:23:12- Precisely. Lay it on, will you? - Yes, sir. Captain Mainwaring will pipe in the haggis.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- KNOCKING - Come in.
0:23:21 > 0:23:29- The men are outside, sir, and waiting for you in rows. - I presume you mean in ranks?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Yes, of course, sir. Sorry.
0:23:32 > 0:23:39- How are they?- Well. All pleased to be back to normal, with you in command again.- Naturally.
0:23:39 > 0:23:45- I should think Frazer's learned his lesson, don't you? - I hope we all have.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Platoon! Platoon, 'shun!
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Stand at ease!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Well, now we're back to normal,
0:24:07 > 0:24:12I'm sure you'd like me to thank Private Frazer for his efforts.
0:24:12 > 0:24:17He knows the problems, and will be glad to be a squaddy again.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21- Haud on, sir... - No talking in the ranks. - < Sir!
0:24:21 > 0:24:25I'd say he made a good job of it, considering.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I'd like to second that!
0:24:28 > 0:24:31And I would like to unsecond it.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Still, Captain Mainwaring's better.
0:24:35 > 0:24:40- Yes, in some ways. Yes. - Captain Mainwaring is a gentleman.
0:24:40 > 0:24:45- But you knew where you stood... - All right, all right! Settle down!
0:24:46 > 0:24:52Anyway, it's over now and we've all benefited from the experience.
0:24:52 > 0:24:58Now, out of the blue, I've had an invitation from Major-General Men-zies...
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- Sir! 'Mingus'!- What's that, Frazer?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04WE pronounce it 'Mingus', sir.
0:25:04 > 0:25:09Do you (?) ..from Major-General Men-zies,
0:25:09 > 0:25:14to partake in the ceremonial piping-in of the haggis.
0:25:14 > 0:25:20You'll agree it's a great honour to partake in so ancient a ritual.
0:25:20 > 0:25:26- That was because the General... - Silence in the ranks! - Very well, sir.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Now...
0:25:29 > 0:25:34- I want a good turn-out. All eyes will be on us.- Aye, but, sir...
0:25:34 > 0:25:42- For the last time, Frazer, stop talking!- Very well, sir. Upon your own head be it.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48KNOCKING Come in.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Escort party outside, sir. Good. Show them in. Sir.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00You may go in now, sir.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04- Evening, Mainwaring. - Good evening, sir.
0:26:04 > 0:26:10Sorry we're late. Transport fault. I hope the General will forgive us.
0:26:10 > 0:26:15Unfortunately, he's at the War Office, but he wants the piping to go on.
0:26:15 > 0:26:21I'll join the others now you're here. The sergeant will brief you.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25- By the way, caps on, of course. - Sir. Caps on!
0:26:25 > 0:26:30Now then, first... we need a bearer for this.
0:26:30 > 0:26:35- Yes...- Permission to speak, sir? - Yes?- I should like to bear that.
0:26:35 > 0:26:41I'd enjoy bearing it. I'd also consider it an honour, as well as...also.
0:26:41 > 0:26:46- It should be a sergeant, sir. - Of course it should.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51- You take it, Wilson.- Yes, I will. I'd LOVE to. How kind!
0:26:51 > 0:26:55- We need two men on the doors. - Frazer! Walker!
0:26:55 > 0:26:59- Quickly!- The escort goes two abreast behind. Move!
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Move! Come along!
0:27:02 > 0:27:08- Twice round the table, then present the haggis. Is that clear?- Yes.- Good.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12I go in, and when they're ready, I rap three times.
0:27:12 > 0:27:17Then the escort party advance with the haggis. Is that clear?
0:27:17 > 0:27:24- Yes, thank you.- Very good, sir. - Everybody?- Is this the way to do it?- No, no, arms...
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Here you are, sir.
0:27:28 > 0:27:34- Your pipes.- Ah, good. I take it the Colonel will play.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38- No. You are.- I am?- Of course. That's why you're here, isn't it?
0:27:43 > 0:27:50NOW, can I speak? It was ME the General invited. ME. Because of how I handled the platoon.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54- Indeed?- Indeed. So now you're sunk.
0:27:54 > 0:28:01All you can do is let me go in at the head of MY platoon playing the pipes,
0:28:01 > 0:28:05and let me take the credit I deserve. KNOCKING
0:28:05 > 0:28:13There go the knocks. They're sounding your doom. Nemesis has struck.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17Get back in your place, Private Frazer.
0:28:17 > 0:28:22Man, oh, man, you're a bigger fool than I thought.
0:28:35 > 0:28:40Are you absolutely sure you're doing the right thing, sir?
0:28:42 > 0:28:46- I spent my honeymoon at a place called Invergeikie.- Oh.
0:28:46 > 0:28:51- 'Tis a wild and lonely place, you understand?- Yes.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54The nights were long...
0:28:54 > 0:28:56and there was nothing else to do.
0:28:56 > 0:29:01MUSIC "A Man's A Man For A' That"
0:29:06 > 0:29:12I never doubted you could do it, sir! Not for a moment! God forgive me.