0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:11 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game,
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# We are the boys who will make you think again,
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38# But he comes home each evening,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40# And he's ready with his gun.
0:00:40 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:55 > 0:01:00Thank you very much, madam. One, two, three, four. Thank you.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- Morning, Mrs Bins. - Morning. >
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- Everything all right? - Yes, thank you.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Bye-bye. Goodbye. >
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Bye-bye?
0:01:14 > 0:01:20The proper way to address a customer is "Good morning, madam", not "Bye-bye".
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- What are all these clips?- Sorry.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29- And why aren't these rubber stamps in the rack?- I was just going to...
0:01:29 > 0:01:35This counter is a disgrace. If Head Office saw it, they'd have a fit.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39- I run a tidy bank, Pike. Don't forget that.- Yes, sir.
0:01:39 > 0:01:44"Good morning, madam." "Good morning, MADAM."
0:01:44 > 0:01:47< "Good morning, madam."
0:01:48 > 0:01:52- Morning, Pikey. - < "Good morning, madam."
0:01:52 > 0:01:54< Morning, Mr Jones.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58There we are, Pikey.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59I say...
0:01:59 > 0:02:03..business as usual, eh? That's the ticket.
0:02:03 > 0:02:10- Take more than Jerry bombs to put Mr Mainwaring out of action. - We're tidying up quick as we can.
0:02:10 > 0:02:15That's a soldier's most important order. When on active duty, be tidy!
0:02:15 > 0:02:20- Morning, Wilsey!- Morning, Jonesy. Have you got a paper-clip, please, Frank?
0:02:20 > 0:02:26- I've just tidied those up, Uncle Arthur.- All right. I only want one. Heavens above!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Come in.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- I said, "Come in."- So sorry, sir.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43The door's stuck. It won't...
0:02:43 > 0:02:46It won't open.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Sorry, sir, but it seems to have gone...
0:02:57 > 0:03:01- ..out of true.- It needs a shoulder to it. A bit of effort.
0:03:01 > 0:03:06- Your trouble is you've got flabby. Out of the way.- Right.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Simple, you see. It just needed a bit of beef.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- Thank you very much, sir. - Well, come in.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I'm sorry, sir. It's still stuck.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Come round the side!
0:03:27 > 0:03:32Well, sir... I've brought all the papers that you wanted to see.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Oh, yes. I want to have a good look at these.
0:03:36 > 0:03:41- Awfully wet in here.- The tarpaulin is full of last night's rain.- I see.
0:03:42 > 0:03:47- Don't poke it! You'll make it worse. - So sorry, sir.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Why can't you leave things alone?
0:03:49 > 0:03:53How can I work with water all over the place?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Oh...!
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Leave it!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00So sorry, sir. Beg your pardon.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- And shut that window.- Right, sir.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09There we are, sir.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- Now, sir, is that better?- No.
0:04:12 > 0:04:19Why do you put up with it? Why don't you go to the stockroom? That's not damaged at all.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23- Go down to the stockroom?! - Yes. Why not?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- Wilson.- Yes, sir?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- You see that chair?- Yes, I do.
0:04:30 > 0:04:37- That's MY chair. The manager's chair.- Yes. - And that's MY desk and MY office.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I wasn't made manager overnight.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- It was a long, hard struggle. - Right, sir.
0:04:43 > 0:04:48Office boy, clerk, assistant chief clerk, chief clerk, deputy manager,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50and finally, manager.
0:04:50 > 0:04:58It's taken 25 years to get my office and no foreigner will throw me out of it. What do you think of that?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Um, can I come under your umbrella?
0:05:00 > 0:05:07- There's only room for one. - It's getting very damp.- You shouldn't go about poking things.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- Let's get on.- Right, sir.
0:05:10 > 0:05:15- I'll tell you another thing about the fuzzy-wuzzies.- Sorry, Mr Jones.
0:05:15 > 0:05:20I've got a lot of work to do, and Mr Mainwaring is in an awful mood.
0:05:20 > 0:05:26- Do you have any more money to pay in? - I'll say I have - £500.- £500?!
0:05:26 > 0:05:33Yes. All us local shopkeepers had a collection for the new servicemen's canteen here in Walmington, you see.
0:05:33 > 0:05:40Yesterday, the chairman, Dick Billings, came round with the final amount, £500, to my shop.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- Why'd he give it to you? - I'm the treasurer.
0:05:44 > 0:05:51I'll put it in my account, and tomorrow I'll hand a cheque to the mayor personally.
0:05:51 > 0:05:56- Why did you wrap it up? - It's £500. That's a lot of money.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58I don't want to get robbed, do I?
0:05:58 > 0:06:03I thought if I wrapped it up, people might think it was sausages.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11It IS sausages.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13AAGH!
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Do hold that still. I'm getting soaked.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- I'm not exactly dry myself, sir. - Mr Mainwaring!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Come quick, Mr Mainwaring!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27How DARE you burst in like that?!
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- It's an emergency.- Pike!
0:06:31 > 0:06:35And how dare you come through the wall!
0:06:35 > 0:06:39I won't have staff walking through that wall. Come in again properly.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- Go on.- Yes, sir.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- KNOCK-KNOCK - Come in.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Sorry, Mr Mainwaring, but... HE WHISTLES
0:06:55 > 0:07:01- What are you doing?!- It's unlucky to open an umbrella indoors.- Stupid boy!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03What do you want?
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- Oh! Mr Jones is on the floor. He has fainted.- All right...
0:07:07 > 0:07:08FAINTED?!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Leave that to me.- All right, sir.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Go round the side.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23All right, help me get him up.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- All right, Jonesy.- Oohh! - You'll be all right.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- Up you get. There you are. - Where am I?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35- Turn round.- All right, Jonesy. - That's it.- Oohh!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- Whatever happened?- Oohh dear!
0:07:38 > 0:07:45- Oh! I lost...I lost £500. I lost £500! I put it somewhere. - What's he talking about, Pike?
0:07:45 > 0:07:50He came in to pay in £500, and it had turned into half a pound of sausages.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54It's awful, Mr Mainwaring. Awful!
0:07:54 > 0:07:59All right, Jonesy. Keep calm and try to tell us exactly what happened.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04- I had this £500 for the canteen... and it wasn't.- Wasn't what?
0:08:04 > 0:08:08There! It was half a pound of sausages.
0:08:11 > 0:08:16- What did you do with it?- I had it in my shop wrapped up in newspaper.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20- You must have picked up the wrong packet.- Yes, that's it.
0:08:20 > 0:08:27- You go back to your shop and look for it, and I'll see you on parade. - You're quite right, Mr Mainwaring.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32You've always been my maternal support. Thank you.
0:08:32 > 0:08:38- I'll find it.- Course you will. - I put it somewhere.- Off you go.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- What about these, Mr Mainwaring? - I'll take charge of those.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Poor Jonesy's in a terrible state.
0:08:49 > 0:08:55He's been in my shop about 25 times. In-out, in-out. He's turned it upside down.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Was it at your place?
0:08:57 > 0:09:02He can't have left it there. He hasn't been in for weeks.
0:09:02 > 0:09:09He won't take no notice. He ferrets about saying, "I've left it somewhere." I can't make it out.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11I can.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14The man's gone potty.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Mind you, I've seen this coming.
0:09:16 > 0:09:22Jones is senile, and the shock of losing this money, it's tilted his brain.
0:09:22 > 0:09:27He's no longer capable of carrying on his duties as corporal.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Mind you...
0:09:29 > 0:09:35..the question is, who's going to take his place, eh?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Well, I'M next in line!
0:09:38 > 0:09:41I'm going to see Captain Mainwaring.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45You're being heartless, Mr Frazer. That is a bit strong.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48It's practical.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53There's a war on. You cannae stop for mental casualties.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Hello. Jonesy found his money yet?
0:09:57 > 0:10:02No. He's been going back and forth from his shop to the bank all day.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04He nearly got run over twice.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Walker, has Jonesy arrived?
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Not yet.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Oh Lord! I do hope he's all right.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16Well, would you all mind falling into three ranks, please?
0:10:16 > 0:10:21As quickly as you can. Thank you so much. In three nice, neat lines.
0:10:21 > 0:10:27That's absolutely lovely. Thank you so much. Come along, Godfrey. Platoon.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Properly at ease. Platoon, ATTENTION!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34STAND AT ease!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37That's very good.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Where's Jones?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I've no idea, sir.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45We'll have to carry on. Stand easy.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Pay attention.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Private Sponge - take charge of Two Section.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Jones, you're late.- I'm sorry, sir.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57It's not under there. It's not there.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00It wouldn't be in there. I know it wouldn't.
0:11:00 > 0:11:06I know where it might be. It might be up here. I came up here once.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Jones! Corporal! Fall in.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12It's not up here, sir.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- Fall in quickly. - I know I put it somewhere.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19- I put it somewhere.- On my command... Corporal!
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Pay attention!
0:11:20 > 0:11:25I'm sorry, sir. I'm not feeling myself, today.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28He's been feeling himself since he came in (!)
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Give it a rest.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35On the command "Fall out", Sections Two and Three will go out on patrol.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Number One Section will gather round me.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Fall out!
0:11:42 > 0:11:47I'd like to apologise, sir. I've had a terrible day, sir.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Since I lost the money, I'm all to pieces. I'm no good for anything.
0:11:51 > 0:11:57Ha! Precisely. May I remind you, Captain, I am next in line for his stripe.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00That will do, Frazer.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Can't we help?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Get some chairs and bring them round.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11Now, we have to get you to remember what you did with that money.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Yes, sir. Thank you very much, sir.
0:12:13 > 0:12:19You've been awfully good. You bring a warm glow of comfort to my heart.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Your problem is OUR problem.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25We'll be like the Three Musketeers,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28"One for one, two together...
0:12:28 > 0:12:33"..united we fall, and we stand divided upright."
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Oh!
0:12:35 > 0:12:39I'm sorry, Mrs...Mr Mainwaring.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43All right. Now pay attention.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46It's perfectly simple.
0:12:46 > 0:12:51We have to get Jones to remember where he put that money. Jones...
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Permission to speak, sir?
0:12:54 > 0:13:01If I could remember where I put it in the first place, I wouldn't have lost it in the second place.
0:13:01 > 0:13:09And I wouldn't have spent all day trying to remember where I put it in the first or second place.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12My mind is a blank.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Can we discuss the stripe now, sir?
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Sit down and be quiet, Frazer.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Mr Mainwaring, I know how we can make him remember.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27They did it in that film "Man In The Shadows".
0:13:27 > 0:13:32That's right, Frank. We saw it together. It was very good indeed.
0:13:32 > 0:13:39At the start, Walter Abel sits on a park bench in the middle of the night.
0:13:39 > 0:13:44Yes. He's sits there muttering, "I can't remember, I can't remember",
0:13:44 > 0:13:47and fiddling with his pockets like Mr Jones.
0:13:47 > 0:13:55I saw that with my sister, Dolly. But she made me take her out before the end. She thought it was too near.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Anyway, Joan Blondell walks by.
0:14:02 > 0:14:08What was she doing in the park in the middle of the night? Going for a walk.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I like Joan Blondell, she's nice.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15Anyone about at that time of night can't be all that nice.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Don't say things about Joan Blondell.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Pike! Come to the point.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Yes, sir. She sat down and talked to him.
0:14:24 > 0:14:31She made him go through everything that had happened to him in the last 24 hours,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33in order to MAKE him remember.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Remember what?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I can't remember.
0:14:40 > 0:14:47- Before you began this film rubbish, I was about to suggest that. - Were you really? Fancy that.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52Look here, Jones, I want you to tell us calmly and logically,
0:14:52 > 0:14:56all that happened from the first moment you received that money.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01- Yes, sir. I will try.- And don't let your brain go off at a tangent.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05I won't let my brains get in a wangle.
0:15:05 > 0:15:10- All right, start. And keep calm. - Yes, sir. Keep calm.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15Mr Dick Billings came round to my shop with the money before closing.
0:15:15 > 0:15:20- It was in five pound notes. - And what did you do with it?
0:15:20 > 0:15:25I wrapped it up in paper and took it home. Then I put it under my pillow.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- And the next morning?- I woke up.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32I got out of bed.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- Which side?- The left.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- Why not the right?- My bed's against the wall. Look here!
0:15:39 > 0:15:43- I'm trying to keep calm, sir. - All right, Jonesy.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46I had a little wash and got dressed.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50I went downstairs and I came upstairs again.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Why?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54To get the money under the pillow.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Look here, I'm trying to keep calm.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- I am keeping calm, aren't I? - You're doing very well indeed.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- Do be quiet, Wilson. - I'm trying to help.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Don't do that. Don't do that sort of thing.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16- All right. Carry on.- TH-THEN I... I went across the road to my shop.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18I got the £500 and went in the shop.
0:16:18 > 0:16:25I wrapped the previous day's takings up in some paper and wrote out a bank-slip.
0:16:25 > 0:16:31And then I wrote out a further bank-slip for the £500.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Then I said to young Raymond, "Young Ray..." No, no!
0:16:35 > 0:16:38First, I put the two things in a carrier bag.
0:16:38 > 0:16:43Then I said, "Raymond look after the shop, I'm off to the bank."
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- It's starting to work, Mr Mainwaring.- Yes...
0:16:47 > 0:16:52- That's because you're thinking calmly and logically.- I'm very calm.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56I went across to the bank and Pikey was there.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00I said, "Good morning, Pikey." I gave him the takings.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- That's right.- And what happened?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Well, I remember now, and I am keeping calm.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11I gave him the packet with £500 in and it wasn't there.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15No, it had become half a pound of sausages.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19That's right. I'VE LOST IT! I'VE LOST IT!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21DON'T PANIC!
0:17:21 > 0:17:26DON'T PANIC! I'VE LOST £500!!
0:17:34 > 0:17:37I know I'll remember where I put it.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39I know I'll remember where I put it.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43'Ere, Jonesy. Don't do that, you silly old duffer.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- It's just a cup of char. - Thanks very much.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Joe, you haven't got a cigarette have you?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Blimey! You've had two packs already.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59Sorry, Joe. I'm sorry about that. I just can't help it.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03- You look terrible. - I'm ruined, Joe. I'm ruined.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I'd give anything to find the money.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Hey! Don't do that, Taffy!
0:18:09 > 0:18:14- Did you say "anything"? - Yes, I'd try anything, Jock.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Good.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Come closer.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25When I was sailing the China Seas,
0:18:25 > 0:18:29I studied the art of hypnosis.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Don't be daft, Taffy. It's true!
0:18:31 > 0:18:35I've hypnotised many men in my time.
0:18:35 > 0:18:40And I have...uncovered some DARK and terrible secrets.
0:18:43 > 0:18:48It cannae fail. But I must have your co-operation.
0:18:48 > 0:18:55If it's going to help me remember where I put the money, you have my permission to sterilise me.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56Good.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Now...clasp your hands together.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Put them on top o' yer head, like that.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Now...
0:19:07 > 0:19:09..watch closely.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17You are GO-ING to sleep.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20You are GO-ING to sleep!
0:19:20 > 0:19:24YOU ARE GO-ING TO SLEEP!
0:19:24 > 0:19:28You can hear nothing but MY voice.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32YOU CAN HEAR NOTHING BUT MY VOICE!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34What can you hear?
0:19:34 > 0:19:39I CAN HEAR NOTHING BUT YOUR VOICE!!
0:19:39 > 0:19:43# Little Sir Echo, how do you do...? #
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Shut up, Joe! I'm trying to be hypnotised.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Oh! Wake up, your reverence.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Wake up! Wake up!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Who is it?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59It's you, Verger. You are a beastly nuisance.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02How dare you come and wake me up!
0:20:02 > 0:20:05You must come at once and exercise!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Have you taken leave of your senses?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I'm not running this late at night.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13There's a black mass in the church hall!
0:20:13 > 0:20:15A black mass of what?
0:20:15 > 0:20:20The Scotsman is carrying out pagan rites on church property.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Oh! The blasphemy! You must exorcise it!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27If you're being silly, I'll be cross.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Are you asleep?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Tell me everything that happened.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43Well, when Mr Billings come round with the money,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46wrapped up in newspaper,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49on the counter was a large chicken.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51A chicken!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55I was taking the chicken to young Raymond's
0:20:55 > 0:20:59and telling him to take it round to Mr Blewitt's.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01It works!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Go on! What happened then?
0:21:03 > 0:21:07Just as Raymond picked the chicken up,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I said, "Wait. You've forgotten the giblets."
0:21:10 > 0:21:14I picked the giblets up and stuffed them in the chicken.
0:21:14 > 0:21:20But it wasn't the giblets I picked up. It was the £500.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22YEAH!! Wake Up!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I stuffed them in the chicken!
0:21:28 > 0:21:34- Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring! - What is it? What? What? What?
0:21:34 > 0:21:38- I stuffed it in the chicken! - In the chicken...?
0:21:38 > 0:21:42Wake up, everybody! Wake up! Wake up, everybody!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44What is going on here?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- I stuffed it! I stuffed it! - What?
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- The chicken! - D'you hear that? A chicken!
0:21:50 > 0:21:54They always use chickens for black rites.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58We've arrived just in time to stop something very nasty happening.
0:22:10 > 0:22:18Excuse me, sir. You can't wake up somebody at this time of night and ask to examine their chicken.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23It's an emergency, Wilson. I'm going to get the bottom of it.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26I want to thank you, Mr Mainwaring.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31And I want you to know that the next chicken I get in my shop is for you.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Can my mum have a chicken as well?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36My sister Dolly would like one too.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Wait a minute. I'm not made of chickens.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- RINGS DOORBELL - Why doesn't he answer?
0:22:43 > 0:22:49Whatever happens, don't tell him why we want to look inside his chicken.
0:22:49 > 0:22:54I don't want the townspeople to know. They'll lose confidence in me.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Who is it?
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- It's Captain Mainwaring. - Have the Germans landed?
0:23:00 > 0:23:04No. I must speak to you. Please open the door.
0:23:10 > 0:23:15- You had a chicken delivered here yesterday?- Yes.- Have you eaten it?
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Er...no, and you can't have it back.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20We want to examine it.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Have you got a search warrant?
0:23:25 > 0:23:31I don't need one. In the name of the King, I demand to examine your chicken.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35What's the King got to do with it?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38It's for the defence of the realm. Can we come in?
0:23:38 > 0:23:43No, not in your hobnail boots, you'll wake my wife.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Oh, all right. I'll bring it out.
0:23:49 > 0:23:56- Do you think, he'll let you look inside his chicken? - Oh, yes. Of course.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59I'm a shrewd judge in these matters.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- Ah! - There's the chicken.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Take a good look and let me get back to bed.
0:24:08 > 0:24:13- A very nice-looking chicken, isn't it?- Awfully nice, yes. Lovely.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18But it isn't the outside we want to examine. It's the inside.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Look inside?!
0:24:20 > 0:24:24- Ah, well... - (Don't mention the money!)- No...
0:24:24 > 0:24:29Um, we're under the impression that the contents of that chicken,
0:24:29 > 0:24:33er...would provide a canteen for 500 servicemen.
0:24:33 > 0:24:41- You must be barmy! The only way to do that is to make a soup out of it. - No, no. You don't understand.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45It'd be very watery with just an eggcupful each.
0:24:45 > 0:24:50I must examine it. It's a matter of life and death.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54- Hold it, Wilson. - But my wife's just stuffed it.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58- We shall have to unstuff it. - It's sewn up.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- Cut it open with a bayonet. - Right, sir.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Walker, Pike. Bring your torches. Jones will do it.
0:25:05 > 0:25:11- I'm not happy about this. - Don't worry. You'll get it back exactly as we found it.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14< PUT THOSE LIGHTS OUT!
0:25:15 > 0:25:18What's going on? You may well ask.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23They wake me at 2.30am, unstuff my chicken and say it's for the King.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29- Are you out of your mind?! - Clear off, will you?
0:25:29 > 0:25:34- Don't tell me to clear off, mate! - Go on.- It's open, Mr Mainwaring.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39Come along. Put your hands out, everybody.
0:25:39 > 0:25:44You'll get bits all over that. I don't want fluff with my stuffing.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47They're best quality army-issue gloves.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51- Why don't- I- get great big chickens like that?
0:25:51 > 0:25:57If you must know, it's Mr Blewitt's Golden Anniversary. I had it sent round special.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Have you found it, Mr Mainwaring?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Give me that torch.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- I'm afraid it's empty, Jones.- What?!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Oh, no!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14I'm ruined.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16I'm ruined.
0:26:16 > 0:26:21Well... Don't all look at me. It's not my fault.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Come on. Get it back.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Sorry we disturbed you, Mr Blewitt.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41My compliments to your wife.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Tell her she stuffed it beautifully.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50- Mr Mainwaring?- Yes.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55- Could I have my glove back, please? - ..You stupid boy!
0:27:02 > 0:27:06We...really are most dreadfully sorry, Jonesy.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10If I could help at all, I wouldn't hesitate.
0:27:10 > 0:27:15- You could lend him the money. - Be quiet, Pike.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I'll have to do what's honourable.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22In half an hour I have to present the cheque to the mayor.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26So I'll just write out £500 of me own money.
0:27:26 > 0:27:31That's my life savings. Still, death before dishonour.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35There you are, Mr Jones! I've been looking for you.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39I know what you're going to say, Mr Billings, but I'll make it up.
0:27:39 > 0:27:45What do you mean? I'm talking about the sausages you sold me.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49The wife went to fry them and this is what she found.
0:27:52 > 0:27:58It's the money. IT'S THE MONEY! DON'T PANIC! WE GOT THE MONEY!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Where's my sausages?