0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:11 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun.
0:00:40 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:53 > 0:00:58Men, during the time we've been together, we've seen dark times.
0:00:58 > 0:01:05In fact, last winter, times were so dark that it was hard to see ahead.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09- Was that the power cut, sir? - That'll do, Walker.
0:01:09 > 0:01:14Now, we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17A very long tunnel, a very small light.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21It's shining brightly for all to see.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26- Mr Hodges won't like that, sir. - I'm not referring to the blackout!
0:01:28 > 0:01:30I mean the war situation.
0:01:30 > 0:01:39After standing alone against the Nazi hordes for...nearly two years, I'm glad to say help is at hand.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43- That's very good news. Who is it? - The Americans.- Oh!
0:01:43 > 0:01:46It's only taken them 2½ years.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Let's not have that sort of talk, Walker.
0:01:50 > 0:01:57It's just like the westerns, where Indians surround the settlers and the US Cavalry come in just in time.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03No, I wouldn't say it was quite like that!
0:02:03 > 0:02:06We've done pretty well up to now,
0:02:06 > 0:02:11but it's nice to have extras on the team, a second eleven!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14When can we expect them, sir?
0:02:14 > 0:02:20A small advance party arrives on Saturday. We must give them a hearty welcome.
0:02:20 > 0:02:26- What, roll out the red carpet?- Yes. Though we won't actually have one.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30I can get a roll of American cloth if that will help?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Permission to speak, sir?
0:02:33 > 0:02:40We must take our American cousins to our bosoms and to our homes and fertilize with them.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Well, in a manner of speaking, yes.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51I don't think Mum'll like them in the house.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55In a time of war, Pike, one can't choose bedfellows.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59I've a double bed I will share if necessary.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04I'm not talking about bedfellows in that sense, Godfrey.
0:03:04 > 0:03:09It's just as well as I might walk around in the night.
0:03:09 > 0:03:15Shouldn't we show the Americans something that's typically British?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Highland Dancing! That's very British.
0:03:18 > 0:03:24You could help there, Frazer, as President of the Walmington Caledonian Society.
0:03:24 > 0:03:31That will be a wee bit awkward, you see, I'm the only one in it.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35There used to be Jock McKay and me,
0:03:35 > 0:03:41but when the subscription became 5/- he wouldn't pay, so I threw him out.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Sir, I've been struck by a thought.
0:03:46 > 0:03:52In the Sudan, we'd just signed a peace treaty with the Fuzzy Wuzzys
0:03:52 > 0:03:55and Kitchener decided to have a get together.
0:03:55 > 0:04:03They thought they would like to have a spear throwing competition, but it got a bit difficult.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- Why?- They wanted Gen Kitchener as the target.
0:04:06 > 0:04:12Anyway, we talked them out of it and us British lads lined up with our spears
0:04:12 > 0:04:17and the Fuzzy Wuzzys stood behind, ready to take their turn.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21I cast my spear and took a step back...
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- Oh, get to the point, Jones. - I did, sir.
0:04:24 > 0:04:31One of them Fuzzy Wuzzys had his spear just like that. I didn't like it.
0:04:31 > 0:04:37Anyway, my point is, we could ask them to watch a darts match at the Red Lion.
0:04:37 > 0:04:45- Very good idea. An evening in a typical English pub, what could be better?- Very good.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49I'm not going into the realms of fantasy?
0:04:49 > 0:04:54No. We'll invite them to a spear throwing...er, to a darts match
0:04:54 > 0:04:56in the Red Lion on Saturday night.
0:04:56 > 0:05:02- Bring the ladies.- And Shirley, you know her don't you?- Indeed!
0:05:02 > 0:05:06And I'll bring my girl. She doesn't say much but she's nice.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Uncle Art...Sgt Wilson will bring my Mum, won't you?
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Yes, Yes, I suppose so. Will you bring your wife, sir?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18No, no, I don't think so, Wilson.
0:05:18 > 0:05:23I don't think Elizabeth would do much for Anglo-American relations.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Now, what else can we think of?
0:05:26 > 0:05:31Perhaps we could fix up a banner with a message of welcome.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I could get one made. What should it say?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Oh, well, er...
0:05:37 > 0:05:39How about,
0:05:39 > 0:05:46"Hello to our brave American allies. Go to it and you will soon be home."
0:05:46 > 0:05:52All that'll go twice round the bar and across the High Street.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56I'll cut it down. You don't need "brave American allies."
0:05:56 > 0:06:01The Americans know they're brave. We'll call 'em Yanks.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04And they'll soon find out where to go.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08And they've only just come into the war.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12- What've you got left, Joe? - "Yanks go home."
0:06:15 > 0:06:22All right, think up a short message and don't spend more than 10/- on it.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Right, leave it to me, sir.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26# My British buddy,
0:06:26 > 0:06:31# We're as different as can be. #
0:06:31 > 0:06:35"Hi Buddy." It's a bit brief, isn't it?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37You said don't spend more than 10/-.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41It's snappy, it's to the point. The Yanks like that.
0:06:41 > 0:06:49Godfrey, I've got a feeling that tonight is going to be a disaster. Oh dear, I do hope not.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53I must say, you look very nice, Mrs Fox.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Oh, thank you, Mr Jones.
0:06:55 > 0:07:04I wanted to look my best. Americans are used to Hollywood blondes and we don't want to disappoint them.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Do you like my scent?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11It's lovely.
0:07:11 > 0:07:16It's Californian Poppy, I thought it would be appropriate.
0:07:16 > 0:07:22- Do try and cheer up, Arthur. - I'm perfectly cheerful, Mavis.
0:07:22 > 0:07:27- You don't take me out often. Make an effort.- It isn't that.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31I can never get away from Mainwaring and the others.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35I see him at work and then on parade.
0:07:35 > 0:07:40And on our night off, we've to meet these Americans.
0:07:40 > 0:07:47I'd much rather be in a nice, cosy cocktail bar, listening to a little Noel Coward playing on the piano.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51I saw Noel Coward in that film, "In Which We Serve."
0:07:51 > 0:07:53He's not little, he's normal sized.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59- I wonder what the soldiers look like?- I've no idea.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04Ivy saw them arrive at the station, didn't you?
0:08:05 > 0:08:10I wish you'd ask her to speak up. I can never hear a word she says.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15They're smart, they're dressed as officers.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- Even the Privates? - Even the Privates?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23She says yes.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Where's Shirley? I'll give her a ring.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Thank you for making up the darts team.
0:08:34 > 0:08:39I'm always eager to help Anglo-American relations.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Have a drink? - Thank you, scotch please, large one.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Verger?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Lemon shandy, small one.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Small lemon shandy and large whisky.
0:08:52 > 0:08:58Sorry, Captain, I can only let you have a single, I'm short of Scotch.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01What a mercy, providence has undertaken it all.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04You know the Vicar's weakness,
0:09:04 > 0:09:09a double this early and God, I mean, heaven knows what'd happen.
0:09:09 > 0:09:16We don't want the Americans to get the wrong impression of our clergy, do we?
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Hello.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Good evening, Shirley is it?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- Yes. Where's Joe?- He's phoning you.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34I'm late because I'd to put my face on. I haven't overdone it, have I?
0:09:34 > 0:09:40- Er...- We don't want the Yanks to get the wrong idea about us English girls.
0:09:40 > 0:09:46- Good evening, Captain Mainwaring? - Yes.- How are you?
0:09:46 > 0:09:51My name is Cheeseman, see, from the Eastbourne Gazette.
0:09:51 > 0:09:57- I'd like a photograph of you greeting our American allies. - Yes, excellent.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- And this is your good lady?- What?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- Your wife?- No, certainly not.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05No, chance would be a fine thing!
0:10:08 > 0:10:13- Well, you see...- Wilson, come over here, I want a word with you.
0:10:13 > 0:10:20You see, I'm writing a series of articles for the Gazette entitled "Doughboy Meets The Tommy."
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Phew, brilliant!
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I thought it would be a good idea...
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Well, I'll see you later Captain Mainwaring.
0:10:29 > 0:10:35- I say, tip me the wink when you're ready to take the photograph.- Eh?
0:10:35 > 0:10:41I want to take the glasses off. I don't want them in the picture.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I'm with you all the way, righto boy.
0:10:45 > 0:10:53Wilson, when the Americans arrive, I want you to line them up and I'll say a few appropriate words.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- I trust you won't be too formal? - No, of course not.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Now, there's a Colonel in charge. How does one greet him?
0:11:01 > 0:11:07- He'll probably say, "Howdy, partner, put it there."- What?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- "Howdy, partner, put it there!" - Put what, where?
0:11:12 > 0:11:16- His hand, in yours.- What? - Well, you just shake hands.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20- Don't be absurd. - Well, that's what you do.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25An American Colonel wouldn't say, "Howdy partner, put it there."
0:11:25 > 0:11:29You and Pike see too many American films.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Evening, Napoleon. Evening, Vicar.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36It's nice of you to make up our darts team.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Always ready to beat the Home Guard.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43- What time do we kick off?- 9 o'clock. - Why 9 o'clock?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Because it is for the Americans.
0:11:46 > 0:11:52I hate blooming Yanks, loud mouthed, overbearing lot, I can't stand them.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Oi, what about some service?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58WALKER: Mr Mainwaring, the Yanks are here.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Ah, right. Jones, call the men in.
0:12:01 > 0:12:07- Come on, get fell in!- Informally! - Informally fall in. Informally!
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- No, not you, Mrs Fox. - Oh, but I don't want to be left out.
0:12:11 > 0:12:17Go and sit down, Shirl. Why? The Yanks would rather meet us.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21- Sit down, please. - Have I put this lot on for nothing?
0:12:21 > 0:12:27- Wilson, stand over here.- Stand over where?- Over here, come over here.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32- Mr Cheeseman, when will you take the photograph?- Soon as they enter.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Come and stand here, sir. Alright?
0:12:44 > 0:12:49- On behalf of the people of...- No, sir, this is the Colonel.- Oh...ah!
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Howdy, partner, put it there.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- What did you say?- I told you so!
0:12:57 > 0:13:02Turn your head a little more this way, Captain Mainwaring.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07- I'd just like to say a few words of welcome.- Sure, go ahead.- Right.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- Get out of the way. - I'm not in the way.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14You'd better put your glasses on.
0:13:14 > 0:13:23I bid you welcome on behalf of the people of Walmington-On-Sea and applaud you on entering the war.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25At last!
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Thanks a lot. My name is Colonel Shultz.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32My name's Captain Mainwaring.
0:13:32 > 0:13:39- This is Sergeant Wilson. - It's awfully nice to meet you. Did you have a jolly crossing?
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- Very, except for one thing. - What was that?
0:13:43 > 0:13:48- Those beastly Kraut submarines fired torpedoes at us.- My dear, how awful!
0:13:49 > 0:13:56Now you're here we'd like you to be our guests, so relax and make yourselves feel at home.
0:13:56 > 0:14:01OK, boys, you heard the man, relax, make yourselves at home.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Perhaps you'd like to meet some of my men, Colonel.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- This is Lance Cpl Jones.- Howdy.
0:14:21 > 0:14:28Very pleased to meet you, sir. I'd the honour of serving with the Americans in 1917.
0:14:28 > 0:14:35- They used to call us Limeys. I expect you know why. - No, I can't say I do.
0:14:35 > 0:14:42Well, in times of old on British ships, the sailors used to get all scurvy and mingy,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44and the Captain got fed up of this.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48He said to them all, "Listen boys,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51"I'm sick of you all looking scurvy,
0:14:51 > 0:14:55"I want you to drink some lime juice."
0:14:55 > 0:15:00So, he made them drink lime juice in the evening.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04But, there was an American on board and he refused it
0:15:04 > 0:15:07and told the Captain what to do with it.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11The Captain ordered him to be flogged.
0:15:11 > 0:15:18As he was flogged, the Captain asked why he didn't drink his juice,
0:15:18 > 0:15:20like the brave British lads.
0:15:20 > 0:15:28The American said, "Ow, they're nothing but a lot of, ow, crawling limeys."
0:15:28 > 0:15:34That "ow" was a noise he ejaculated while he was being flogged, sir.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- Hence, the expression, Limeys. - You don't say (!)
0:15:38 > 0:15:42- I do. I just told you... - Alright!
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Mavis, what on earth is going on?
0:15:45 > 0:15:50The Sergeant, here, says I'm the perfect English rose.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53You sure are, sister.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Now, just a minute, you haven't even been introduced.
0:15:57 > 0:16:03- Listen, buddy...why don't you go take a powder?- Take a p-p-p...?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I believe you're jealous, Arthur.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Wilson.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Yes, sir, what is it?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- This is Private Frazer.- Howdy.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Noo's the day and noo's the hour.
0:16:16 > 0:16:22See the front of battle lour. See proud Hitler's power.
0:16:22 > 0:16:27Wha will be a traitor knave? Wha's so base as be a slave?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30(SHOUTS) Wha would fill a coward's grave?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Let him turn and flee.
0:16:37 > 0:16:42Well, Captain, you sure have an international unit here.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46I don't know the lingo but it sounds great.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Where does this old timer come from?
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Scotland. And that was nay foreign lingo.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58That was a battle song by Rabbie Burns, updated by me.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02- Well, what'd you know. - What indeed!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- Private Godfrey. - Good evening.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09I'm sorry. My sister, Dolly, couldn't come tonight,
0:17:09 > 0:17:14but she's sent you some of her upside down cakes. Gee, thanks.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19You've sure got some veterans. The British Army takes them so old!
0:17:19 > 0:17:24Well, of course, you see, we're not real soldiers.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27What are you talking about, not real soldiers?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Well, we're not. We're Home Guards.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- What? - Part-time soldiers.
0:17:33 > 0:17:40Mr Mainwaring's a Bank Manager, I'm his Chief Clerk, others keep shops and the like.
0:17:40 > 0:17:47This was formed to protect the town against German parachute troops... and things.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Well, now we'll do all the defending there is around here.
0:17:51 > 0:17:57You old timers relax, take it easy, huh! How kind!
0:17:57 > 0:17:59- Look here...- Let's go to the bar.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- What are you talking about?- Well...
0:18:02 > 0:18:05'Ere, Colonel, come here, listen.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09If you need anything, razors, petrol coupons, let me know.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14We don't need a thing. We brought it all over with us.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Blimey!
0:18:16 > 0:18:21Joe, do something quick. Look at them Yanks with our girls.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Fancy you being a real cowboy!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I bet some of you are film stars.
0:18:27 > 0:18:32I do like these American boys, they're so nice and clean cut.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Oh...
0:18:34 > 0:18:37and ever so generous.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Joe, come and look at his medals.
0:18:39 > 0:18:46He's got one for sharp shooting and that one for good conduct... not too good, I hope!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Just a minute, just a minute!
0:18:48 > 0:18:53Mrs Fox, you should be ashamed, you're old enough to be his mother.
0:18:53 > 0:18:59Well, if it comes to that, you're old enough to be my father.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- What are we going to do?- Search me.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08They won't buy anything, they've pinched our girls,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10this war's taken a very nasty turn.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Let's go and have a drink.
0:19:16 > 0:19:21Ivy...Ivy, you're supposed to be with me.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- (Go away).- Pardon?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Mum...MUM!
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Whatever's the matter, Frank?
0:19:35 > 0:19:42He's got his arm round Ivy and he won't take it away. Make him take it away, Mum, make him.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Don't be so silly, Frank.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I shall never speak to you again.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Now, Colonel,
0:19:52 > 0:19:56there, try some real old English beer.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Captain.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Thanks. Well, bottoms up.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06My God, it's warm!
0:20:06 > 0:20:09I bet you've never tasted the like.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Warm? Feels quite cool to me.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14It tastes like it's from a faucet.
0:20:14 > 0:20:20You don't have force it. Just turn the tap on and it pours.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Are you having me on, kid? Having you on what?
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- Something else, sir? - OK, I'll have a highball.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Give this gentleman a...
0:20:32 > 0:20:39- ..highball. Have you got a highball? - Highball? What's that?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Scotch on the rocks. Sorry, no scotch.
0:20:42 > 0:20:48What sort of a joint is this? Is this your English hospitality?
0:20:48 > 0:20:53We've been at war for 2½ years, things are in short supply.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55What do you mean by that remark?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Nothing really.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03Hello. I met your lot in France, in 1917, under General Perishing.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06You mean General Pershing.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Well, I knew it was some perishing general.
0:21:09 > 0:21:17You notice I said 1917 (!) As we all know, the war started in 1914.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Now you're going to win this one. Better late than never (!)
0:21:21 > 0:21:26The war's only been on 2½ years. It's an improvement on last time.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Captain.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33What did you say, Buster? You're improving, waiting 2½ years!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Hold it.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Sir, I assure you, it was not our fault.
0:21:39 > 0:21:44The American went to hit Hodges, he dodged and I got hit.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46My men were in no way to blame.
0:21:46 > 0:21:53COLONEL: Yes, but still, a photograph of you brawling is in every newspaper.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57German propaganda will have a field day.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00The Americans are here and there's a fight.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03We're going to nip it in the bud.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08- What do you want me to do? - I'm sending the reporter over.
0:22:08 > 0:22:16Invite the Colonel over and publicly apologise. I want a photograph of you shaking hands for the papers.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19You want me to be the scapegoat, sir?
0:22:19 > 0:22:24I'm afraid so, it's a penalty of wearing pips on your shoulders.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28You sometimes have to take the can. Now, see to it!
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Very well, sir.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Awfully good spread, isn't it, sir?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37It's terrible, I'll never live it down.
0:22:37 > 0:22:42It's a nice one of me, isn't it? Would they send me some prints?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Oh, I don't know.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49- Permission for you to see us, sir? - Yes, Jones.
0:22:53 > 0:23:00We'd all like to apologise for last night, sir, but to assure you it was not our fault.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Well, I know that, Jones, and GHQ knows it.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07However, I've to make a public apology.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09You're to be made the scrapecoach?
0:23:09 > 0:23:15Yes, but even...even if I do have to make a public apology,
0:23:15 > 0:23:21I intend to see that GHQ realises it is no responsibility of ours.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25I'm going to write a report to clear us of all blame.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29Tell me, in your own words, exactly what happened. Sergeant?
0:23:29 > 0:23:37Well, sir, when the fight started I thought I would get out of the way, so I dived under the table.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39After he thumped an American!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41What?
0:23:41 > 0:23:49I only gave him a couple of taps. He'd been getting on my nerves, he was too familiar with Mrs Pike.
0:23:49 > 0:23:55Mum was furious. She locked him out and he had to sleep in the shed.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02What about you, Jones? That's a nasty bump on your head,
0:24:02 > 0:24:08- which American did that? - None, sir, it was Mrs Fox.- Mrs Fox?
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- She didn't like my attitude to a Yank.- Why?
0:24:12 > 0:24:15I banged his head on the floor.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19- I had him in a deadly, Dervish death grip.- All right!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Frazer?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26I just gave this fellow a wee bit of a push.
0:24:26 > 0:24:31No more, mind you, no more. A wee bit of a push.
0:24:31 > 0:24:36He knocked a whisky out of my hand, a true Scot won't stand for that!
0:24:36 > 0:24:41It was unfortunate that he collided with a bottle that Joe was holding.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Yes, well, I can explain that, sir.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48I thought I would calm things down with a sing-song.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53I was conducting away, but I had a bottle in each hand!
0:24:56 > 0:25:00What about you, Pike? I'm sure you weren't violent.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04I must confess, I was, I lost my temper.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Those Americans kept clinging to my Ivy.
0:25:11 > 0:25:17Mum wouldn't help, so I decided to stand up for myself and be a man!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20What did you do?
0:25:20 > 0:25:23I walked up to him and went thr..rr..p.
0:25:27 > 0:25:33- Then he chased me until Mr Godfrey hit him with a chair.- Godfrey?
0:25:33 > 0:25:38Well, sir, he'd trodden on my sister Dolly's upside down cakes.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42I think we'd better let sleeping dogs lie.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46Sorry to crash in on you like this, fellas.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Relax, Captain, I want to apologise for last night.
0:25:50 > 0:25:58I didn't realise what you'd been through - bombs and food shortages - so I've brought some scotch.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- That's awfully generous. - Oh, forget it.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05I'll apologise to your men and he'll take a photo.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09Hello again, Captain Mainwaring, bach.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Actually, I was just about to apologise to you.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20No, I can't let you do that.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24As you British say, it wouldn't be cricket.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27So, could you get your men together?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30If you insist. Call the men, Jones.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- Come this way, sir. - Right behind you, old timer.
0:26:34 > 0:26:39- I'll give you £2 for the whisky. - No... Get on parade.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44- I rather like the look of that whisky, sir.- Yes!- ..Oh!
0:26:44 > 0:26:49- He's rather nice, Colonel Shultz. - Just a minute, Wilson,
0:26:49 > 0:26:53- isn't Shultz a German name? - That's right, it is.
0:26:53 > 0:26:59- Why's he in the American army?- Lots of Americans have German names.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Really! The whole thing's got out of hand.
0:27:02 > 0:27:09We were better on our own. At least we knew who was who and what was what.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Come on, get fell in, in order now.
0:27:12 > 0:27:18- Don't worry about that, old timer, gather round informally.- Very well.
0:27:18 > 0:27:24In an informal group, round the Colonel, at the double, gather!
0:27:24 > 0:27:28I just want to say sorry about last night
0:27:28 > 0:27:31and I've brought you some candy.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Help me give them out, Captain.
0:27:34 > 0:27:39My men aren't here as they're fixing up the mess for a Ladies Night.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Ladies Night, that reminds me.
0:27:42 > 0:27:50- Frank, did you notice your mother was wearing her party frock at tea-time?- Yes I did, Uncle.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54I thought it was funny, just to make toast in.
0:27:54 > 0:27:59When I asked Ivy to meet me after the parade, she made an excuse.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03I knew she was lying, I could hear every word!
0:28:03 > 0:28:08Shirley told me she couldn't come out because her hair was a mess,
0:28:08 > 0:28:10now I know which mess!
0:28:10 > 0:28:15Yoo hoo, Colonel, I'm all ready.
0:28:15 > 0:28:21I'll be right with you, honey. You just wait outside in that jeep.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Get ready for the photo, gentlemen.
0:28:24 > 0:28:32Excuse me, in the last war, was it only the 10% on the money it lent us, that America charged us for?
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Now, what was that, old timer?
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Hold it!
0:29:34 > 0:29:36Subtitles by BBC