0:00:02 > 0:00:06# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:06 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:11 > 0:00:16# We are the boys who will stop your little game,
0:00:16 > 0:00:21# We are the boys who will make you think again,
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:35# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,
0:00:35 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun.
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:56 > 0:00:59This is a very impressive weapon.
0:00:59 > 0:01:05As soon as them Nazi paratroopers cop this, you won't see 'em for dust.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Dragging this gun is an awful fag.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13An awful fag?! This gun is very important in our efficiency tests.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17The orders stated, "Bring the Smith gun."
0:01:17 > 0:01:23That's right. It says here, "Bring sandwiches. ..And the Smith gun."
0:01:24 > 0:01:29- Get the men loaded.- The van's locked, sir. Walker's got the key.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33- Go and get it! And hurry up! - Right, sir. Hurry...
0:01:33 > 0:01:40- Did you get the cover made for the gun, Godfrey?- Yes, sir. - Where is it?- In the cab.
0:01:40 > 0:01:45- My sister worked on it till midnight. - Go and put it on. Help him, Frazer.
0:01:47 > 0:01:53Joe? Where's the key of the van? Mr Mainwaring wants to get started.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55PHONE RINGS
0:01:56 > 0:02:02- Jack Jones, the butcher. - I gave Joe 50 quid for half a ton of onions.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07- I want them here. Where are they? - Don't ask ME.
0:02:07 > 0:02:13- I want 'em here at once!- Well, we're going away for the weekend.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18- For the weekend?!- Yes, on a Home Guard proficiency test.
0:02:18 > 0:02:25I'm coming for my onions and if I don't get 'em, there won't be bread in your sausages, there'll be YOU!
0:02:25 > 0:02:29And I shan't be fussy where I put the seasoning!
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Joe!
0:02:33 > 0:02:37The cover's on, sir. Would you like to look at it?
0:02:44 > 0:02:49- What's this, Godfrey? - It's an old chair-cover.
0:02:50 > 0:02:58- We'll look like a lot of pansies. - They've gone to a lot of trouble. Don't hurt his feelings.- Very well.
0:02:58 > 0:03:03It's awfully nice, but we don't need it now. It's not raining.
0:03:03 > 0:03:08- Sir!- Ah, Walker. Unlock the van. - That's difficult, sir.- Why?
0:03:08 > 0:03:13- Well... You see... The thing is...- Oh, give it to me!
0:03:14 > 0:03:16And Walker,
0:03:16 > 0:03:19if you've been at any monkey business,
0:03:19 > 0:03:23I shall be down on you like a ton of bricks.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33You're all oniony. He's all oniony, Mr Wilson.
0:03:33 > 0:03:39- I was delivering those onions to a customer.- How dare you! I'll talk to you afterwards.
0:03:39 > 0:03:45- Come on, Wilson. Let's go. - Shall we unload the onions? - No, we're already late.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Get the men to climb over the onions.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52At the double! On the onions, climb!
0:03:55 > 0:04:01Uncle Arthur, I can't travel on those onions. I shall cry my eyes out.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Don't be so namby-pamby. Get on board.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- I shall tell Mum.- Just get on.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Wilson!- Coming.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Here!
0:04:25 > 0:04:33Where are you going with my onions? Oi! I want my onions! Do you hear me?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35OW! My foot!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Come on! In my lorry. We'll follow them!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58HE SNIFFS NOISILY
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Stop that snivelling, boy.
0:05:03 > 0:05:09- I can't help it. It's the onions. - Haven't you got a handkerchief?- No.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Wilson!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Sir?- Give this boy a handkerchief.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15You know, sir...
0:05:15 > 0:05:23- ..going on these efficiency tests is courting disaster.- Nonsense. Anyway, we couldn't get out of them.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26PIKE HALF BLOWS HIS NOSE, HALF SNORTS
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Look, move down one, will you, boy?
0:05:32 > 0:05:40If we funked it, they'd say it was because we had no confidence in ourselves.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- I have every confidence in ourselves.- Thank you.
0:05:44 > 0:05:53And I have confidence in YOU because you are confident. You are confident because you have confidence in us.
0:05:53 > 0:05:59Even if you hadn't, you wouldn't show it. And that gives me confidence.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04It doesnae give ME any confidence.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Don't roll your eyes like that.
0:06:12 > 0:06:17Now, if we pass these tests, we shall get 12 stars.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21I want us to be a 12-star platoon because a 12-star platoon...
0:06:21 > 0:06:26- Well, you know what that means. - A mention in the AA book.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Walker, you're on very thin ice.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31< Mr Mainwaring?
0:06:33 > 0:06:34The window.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38WALKER: I'll get rid of them.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48What do YOU want? My onions! His onions.
0:06:48 > 0:06:53I can't come now. I'm not hanging about!
0:06:53 > 0:06:57- Tell them to go away. - They won't.- Shut the window.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08The important thing to remember...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12They're still there.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Oh, really!
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Clear off!
0:07:23 > 0:07:25As I was saying...
0:07:25 > 0:07:31..whatever's in store for us, I'm relying on you to keep on your toes.
0:07:31 > 0:07:38Last week I met a sergeant in the Eastbourne Home Guard. His people knew my people years ago.
0:07:38 > 0:07:45- A nice fellow.- We're not interested in your social life. - Then I shan't tell you.- What?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48He'd been on these tests.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Why didn't you say so in the first place?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Everyone, listen to Sergeant Wilson.
0:07:54 > 0:08:01Well, first they fire a lot of questions at you. Then the officer goes out and leaves you.
0:08:01 > 0:08:06Then somebody else comes in, in disguise, and plants a bomb!
0:08:06 > 0:08:11On my signal, whoever comes in, we'll jump on them.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14They also search you for weapons.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Don't worry, sir. I'm fully prepared.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21What's that, Jonesy?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- It's a rummel.- A terrible weapon!
0:08:24 > 0:08:29- What's a rummel?- It's what Thugs use in India to strangle their victims.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34- They did a lot of strangling... - I doubt we'll need it.
0:08:34 > 0:08:39Don't be too sure, Sir! That knot there should be a silver rupee,
0:08:39 > 0:08:42but my half a crown will do as well.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46You creep up behind them and swing it like that,
0:08:46 > 0:08:50then you tighten it and tighten it. It don't half make their eyes water.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Er... Put it away!
0:08:55 > 0:08:58FALL IN AT THE DOUBLE!
0:08:58 > 0:09:02QUICK MARCH! JUMP TO IT!
0:09:02 > 0:09:03GUARD...
0:09:03 > 0:09:04..'SHUN!
0:09:04 > 0:09:09Stand at EASE! Stand still.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Good morning. My name...is Ramsey.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14RRRamsey!
0:09:14 > 0:09:23I must warn you that, once inside those doors, anything can happen. Are YOU prepared for the worst?
0:09:23 > 0:09:24ARE you?
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Yes, sir. He's prepared for the worst.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32All together. What are you prepared for?
0:09:32 > 0:09:36ALL: For the worst! RAMSEY: You're crying!
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I'm not.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41You ARE. You're a coward. A coward!
0:09:41 > 0:09:46- I hate cowards.- Well, actually, sir, it's the onions.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Rubbish!
0:09:48 > 0:09:54One of your men crying - it's not a very good start. What is it?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- It's not a very good start, sir. - All together!
0:09:57 > 0:10:00ALL: Not a very good start.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02'Ten-SHUN!
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Right TURN! At the double, QUICK march!
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Left-right. Left-right.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12And YOU! Lift those heels up!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15RAMSEY CONTINUES TO SHOUT IN TIME
0:10:15 > 0:10:20Hup-hup, hup-hup, hup-hup-HUP!
0:10:20 > 0:10:24< Get 'em up! Halt, one-two!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Right turn!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Sergeant, search 'em for weapons.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Sir!
0:10:45 > 0:10:48You are now under battle conditions.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52This part of the test is worth four stars.
0:10:52 > 0:10:59My sergeant and I can be a Gestapo officer, a British naval officer - anything. Searched them, Sergeant?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01All clear!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Right. Over here.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10For a moment, I thought he was going to comprehend my rummel.
0:11:10 > 0:11:15Captain, Sergeant, Corporal - to the desk. The remainder, on the bench!
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Can he no' talk the King's English?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30I want you to be alert and on your toes. What do I want?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32ALL: Be alert!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34UP!
0:11:34 > 0:11:35DOWN!
0:11:35 > 0:11:35UP!
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Down! Up-down!
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Up...!
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Ohh!
0:11:42 > 0:11:47Excuse me, I think I missed one. Shall I stand up and sit down again?
0:11:47 > 0:11:53Keep sitting. The first part of this test is for officers and NCOs only.
0:11:53 > 0:11:59You four at the back will criticise your leaders. What will you do?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Criticise them!
0:12:01 > 0:12:07Corporal, when I blow my whistle, I am a Gestapo officer. What am I?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Y-you...
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Come on!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I'm confused.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16I am a Gestapo officer. What am I?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19You are a Gest-office-apo.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21(Gestapo.)
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Gestapo officer!
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Right.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37You fool!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Get him back to his place! Back!
0:12:42 > 0:12:46You said you was Gestapo. I was being alert.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Not until I blow my whistle!
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Somehow, I don't think we'll get those 12 stars.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58- I thought he was the Gestapo. I mean...- Right, right, RIGHT!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02NOW I'm Gestapo.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06You, Sergeant, what are you doing in France?
0:13:06 > 0:13:12- I'm not IN France. - You parachuted in, I've captured you, and now I'm interrogating you.- I see.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Bonjour. Comment allez-vous?
0:13:15 > 0:13:21You're not supposed to say anything! Now, what are you doing in France?
0:13:21 > 0:13:28- I don't know.- Trying to blow up a munitions factory.- Oh. I was trying to blow up a munitions factory.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- So, you admit it! - Really, this is too absurd.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Sergeant,
0:13:33 > 0:13:35I'll show you how absurd it is.
0:13:37 > 0:13:42I'm putting matches underneath your fingernails, setting light to them.
0:13:42 > 0:13:49They're burning down. They've reached your fingers. You're in agony. How do you like that?
0:13:49 > 0:13:54Well, to be honest, it isn't really bothering me very much.
0:13:56 > 0:14:01Comment. He's very brave. Rubbish!
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Guard my rear, Sergeant.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Sir.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12(Get out of it! Clear off, you fools!)
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Right.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Next question. Captain?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Sir...! Ohh!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- Permission to speak, sir?- Yes?
0:14:22 > 0:14:27In what capacity are you now speaking, sir? Gestapo or what?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30I am not anyone. I'm ME.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- You ought to blow your whistle. - What for?
0:14:34 > 0:14:41Last time, you said, "I am not Gestapo till I blow my whistle." Then you blew your whistle.
0:14:41 > 0:14:49So you ought to say, "I am not me till I blow my whistle." Blow your whistle and say, "Now I'm me."
0:14:50 > 0:14:56I don't need to say when I'm me. I know who I am. They know who I am. Sit down!
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Well, he ought to blow his whistle...
0:15:00 > 0:15:02All RIGHT!
0:15:02 > 0:15:03All right.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Now I am me.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Satisfied? - Thank you very much, sir.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Now he's him.
0:15:13 > 0:15:20Now, Captain, you are in a balloon, travelling across enemy territory with your men.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24The balloon is losing height. You must push one of them out.
0:15:24 > 0:15:30- Which one?- I'd call for a volunteer.- Can't do that.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Choose one. What must he do?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Choose one.
0:15:37 > 0:15:43I would prefer to throw myself out, but I realise I am too valuable.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46I'm afraid it'd have to be Private Godfrey.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Comment.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Sound common sense.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Comment.
0:15:53 > 0:16:01Well, it shouldn't be ME. I've got my whole life ahead of me. I've done no living at all.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06That's why it SHOULD be you! What you've never had, you never miss.
0:16:06 > 0:16:12If we're losing height, we can wait till we hit the ground and Godfrey can step out.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- Thank you, Mr Wilson.- Not at all.
0:16:22 > 0:16:27Now, if you'll excuse me, my sergeant and I will leave the room for a time.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Sir, may I leave the room with you?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32No, you could not!
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Right, gather round. Gather round.
0:16:44 > 0:16:51Remember what happens when the officer leaves the room? Someone enters in disguise with a bomb.
0:16:51 > 0:16:59How many marks? Marks?! I'd like to mark that corporal for life.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Shall I take their tea in?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05You might as well. Give me mine first.
0:17:05 > 0:17:12Whoever comes out of that door will be carrying a bomb. We'll get four stars for this.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Tea's up. Tea's up!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Be careful.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- It's a girl! - Rubbish! Get his wig off!
0:17:24 > 0:17:28You lot are worse than the regulars!
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- PIKE: The bomb must be in the tea-urn.- Get rid of it!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35C-R-A-S-H!
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Hooligans! Reckless hooligans!
0:17:38 > 0:17:45Do you mind turning the tap off, please? It's running all over my vestment.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52RAMSEY: Squad, stand at ease. Stand still!
0:17:52 > 0:17:58This is phase two of the test. If you pass this, you get four stars.
0:17:58 > 0:18:04Get all your men over this electrified fence using only this equipment.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09If you touch the fence, an alarm goes off and you start again.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14Excuse me. Is this a hypothetical electrified fence or is it real?
0:18:14 > 0:18:21It is a hypothetical electrified fence, with a small charge running through it for a hint of zest.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Thank you.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26It'll just give you a wee shock.
0:18:26 > 0:18:34You have three minutes to assess the situation and half an hour to complete the test.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36On you go.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Pay attention.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42This is a tough one, but we can crack it.
0:18:42 > 0:18:49I suggest we all think very hard for a minute. Then I want ideas, thick and fast.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Go.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07- Time up. Wilson? - Well... Er... I...
0:19:07 > 0:19:11- Frazer?- Aye! If we could just get...
0:19:13 > 0:19:15No.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Pike?
0:19:16 > 0:19:20..Sorry. I'm not ready yet.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Jones?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- Corporal JONES!- Ahh...
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Acrobats, sir!
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- What? - I saw it once in a circus, sir.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Put the plank on that small oil-drum.
0:19:34 > 0:19:40I stand on one end. Private Walker jumps on the other end and levitates me over the fence.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45- He'd break his neck, sir. - Far too dangerous.- Let me do it.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Start!
0:19:48 > 0:19:52I won't go up too high. Just enough to go over the fence.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Come along. Move, move!
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Walker, come on. Give us a hand.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15You've got to admire Jones. I like to see guts.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19You probably WILL.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Right! Get ready to jump, Joe!
0:20:24 > 0:20:29- I hope you know what you're doing, Jonesy.- Don't argue. Ready, steady...
0:20:29 > 0:20:31..jump!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38What's going on?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- Ready, Jones?- Ready!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Right.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Lift.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51FENCE BUZZES
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Start again!
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- Take it easy, Jones.- All right, sir.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09I'm nearly there, sir. Nearly over.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I'm nearly there, sir.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16BUZZ!
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Jonesy! Jonesy, come back!
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Time's up.
0:21:24 > 0:21:29Can't we have an extension? We've nearly got it licked.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30All right.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Start again!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38By the left, forward.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I think I'm going to make it, sir!
0:21:41 > 0:21:46- Say a little prayer for him, sir. - I'm going to make it...
0:21:46 > 0:21:53BUZZ!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- Start again!- >
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Same again, Clark.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Sorry, sir. I've got to close. It's midnight.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Oh, very well. I'm away to my bed.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Are you over, Jones?- Nearly, sir.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37BUZZ!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Got it licked, Mainwaring (?)
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Start again!
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Platoon, atten-shun!
0:22:49 > 0:22:51At ease!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Stand still. Right.
0:22:54 > 0:23:00This is the final phase of the test. If you pass this, you get four stars.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Permission to speak, sir?
0:23:02 > 0:23:08May I be so forward as to ask how many stars we have enquired so far?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11In the first test, nothing.
0:23:11 > 0:23:17In the second, one star for perseverance even though you kept me awake all night.
0:23:17 > 0:23:23- At least we've got ONE.- You haven't done well. What haven't you done?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26ALL: We haven't done well.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Confession is good for the soul. What is it good for?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- The soul. - That boy's crying again.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I'm not! You ARE!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Coward!
0:23:39 > 0:23:43- I've told you, it's the onions. - I'm NOT a coward!
0:23:43 > 0:23:48I've done ever such brave things - even taken dead mice out of traps.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Pike...
0:23:50 > 0:23:55Right! Concealed in that copse over there is a body of my men.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00I will blow my whistle. You will have 15 minutes to prepare yourselves.
0:24:00 > 0:24:08My men will advance. You will fire three dummy bombs. They will retreat. Clear?
0:24:08 > 0:24:13- That seems straightforward. - Couldn't be more straightforward.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Sergeant, give them the charges.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Three charges.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28- Where are the dummy bombs?- That's the interesting part. Follow me.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29About turn!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Your onions, Mr Hodges!
0:24:33 > 0:24:40What a queue there'll be outside my shop tomorrow! Let's get the van!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42 Gather round!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45You are all familiar with this fence.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Where ARE the dummy bombs?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50EVERYONE GROANS
0:24:50 > 0:24:56Your men will get over the fence, collect the bombs, get back again.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00If you touch the fence, you will start again.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03We couldn't get over that fence in five hours!
0:25:03 > 0:25:07I said this whole weekend would finish in disaster.
0:25:07 > 0:25:12Double back to your gun and wait for my signal. Clear?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Yes, sir. Very clear indeed.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Right.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Hurry up!
0:25:28 > 0:25:34Should we take these onions without permission? They're mine!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Hold your frock out!
0:25:37 > 0:25:42- Look! They're messing wi' our van. - Damn cheek!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Forward, at the double!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Hold still!
0:25:47 > 0:25:52Now, look here. Look here. How dare you interfere with our van!
0:25:52 > 0:25:57- These are mine.- We're doing a 12-star test!- Clear off!
0:25:57 > 0:26:02Don't bother with him. You have more important things to do. Follow me!
0:26:03 > 0:26:07Stand up to him, and he's like a pricked balloon.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11RAMSEY BLOWS HIS WHISTLE
0:26:11 > 0:26:15The first whistle. We've got 15 minutes.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Better get to the fence.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21Wait. There must be a way. Let's all think.
0:26:21 > 0:26:29Captain, it's just occurred to me - this is a smooth-bore weapon. You can fire anything from it!
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Yeah, like that film Captain Blood, with Errol Flynn.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37We've got the charges. We just need some nuts and bolts.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- We haven't got any. - Take 'em off Jones' van.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43How dare you?! You can't take my van to pieces!
0:26:43 > 0:26:50Captain Mainwaring, if we fire the gun at those people, we might make holes in them...and spoil them.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Or kill 'em!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Of course. The idea is absurd.
0:26:54 > 0:27:03- If we fire this gun, we want something hard, but not lethal. - We haven't got anything like that...
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Wait a minute.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Onions!
0:27:07 > 0:27:10That's the lot. You took long enough.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Just a minute.
0:27:12 > 0:27:20- We want those onions. - No.- In the name of the King... - You can't have 'em!- We'll buy them.
0:27:20 > 0:27:27- You're not registered with me. - Well, you're registered with ME, and you've had it for kidneys!
0:27:27 > 0:27:30All right. A shilling a pound.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32 You bought 'em at fourpence!
0:27:32 > 0:27:36- We'll take 20 pounds. - That'll cost you a quid.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Lend me a pound, Wilson.
0:27:40 > 0:27:46- Looks like they've funked the test. - It's what I'd expect from softies.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55That's enough, Pike. Hurry up, Verger!
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Range - 200 yards.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02- Range - 200 yards. Right, sir. - Load the charge.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Loaded!
0:28:05 > 0:28:06Stand by!
0:28:07 > 0:28:12Backing out, are you? I shan't even give you one star now.
0:28:12 > 0:28:19- We're not backing out of anything. - Huh! I'm due to blow the whistle in 30 seconds.- Go ahead.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21- There's no point.- Oh, give it to ME.
0:28:27 > 0:28:27Fire!
0:28:31 > 0:28:32Fire!
0:28:36 > 0:28:36Fire!
0:28:46 > 0:28:49THEY CHEER
0:28:49 > 0:28:53Well done, men! We achieved the object of the exercise.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56I take my hat off to you, Mainwaring.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00That's the best bit of initiative I've seen so far.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03I'm going to give you...
0:29:03 > 0:29:04..twelve stars.
0:29:06 > 0:29:06Sir!
0:29:07 > 0:29:11Did you hear that, men? A 12-star platoon!
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Just a minute. Where are you going?
0:29:15 > 0:29:18- To pick up those onions! - They're OURS!
0:29:18 > 0:29:21- Come on, men!- Get after them.
0:30:13 > 0:30:17Subtitles by BBC 1993