0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:11 > 0:00:16# We are the boys who will stop your little game,
0:00:16 > 0:00:22# We are the boys who will make you think again.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26# 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun.
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:53 > 0:00:56NOISY CHATTER
0:00:59 > 0:01:04Right. Can I call the meeting to order?
0:01:04 > 0:01:12We're here to discuss arrangements for the visit of this Russian chap to Walmington-on-Sea.
0:01:12 > 0:01:17As Town Clerk, it has fallen to my lot
0:01:17 > 0:01:22to find a suitable man to mastermind and co-ordinate our arrangements.
0:01:22 > 0:01:31Now, everyone I've spoken to is of the same opinion. There is one man and he's sitting here
0:01:31 > 0:01:34who is outstandingly suitable.
0:01:34 > 0:01:41I'll ask him, with your approval, I'm sure, to take the chair.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Captain George Mainwaring.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47HEARTY APPLAUSE
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Ladies and gentlemen...
0:01:57 > 0:02:04Why should HE be Chairman!? Russians don't want officers, bank managers and all that snobbish rubbish!
0:02:04 > 0:02:10Well, from my enquiries it seemed Capt. Mainwaring was the best choice.
0:02:10 > 0:02:15We need an ordinary bloke, like a greengrocer.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Do we KNOW a greengrocer?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20ME!
0:02:20 > 0:02:25If there's any dissent, I'll gladly stand down.
0:02:25 > 0:02:31I suggest you vacate the chair, I take the chair and we take a vote.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Musical chairs (!)
0:02:34 > 0:02:39Right, all in favour of Captain Mainwaring?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Against?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44..Carried.
0:02:44 > 0:02:51Captain Mainwaring will take the chair, which I shall now vacate. APPLAUSE
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- # La-di, la di, la... #- All right!
0:02:57 > 0:03:03- Ladies and gentlemen...- You said that already!- Order, please!
0:03:03 > 0:03:11We are assembled here to honour the Russian worker Vladislov... Vla...Vlad... V...
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Well, his name is immaterial.
0:03:13 > 0:03:19What is important is that he is a Hero of the Soviet Union.
0:03:19 > 0:03:28That doesn't necessarily mean that he's brave. It means that his team have made 5,723 tanks.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- He's been very busy.- Precisely.
0:03:31 > 0:03:37Now, among other cities, he will be visiting Walmington-on-Sea and...
0:03:37 > 0:03:45- Awfully sorry I'm late.- Come in. You know Mr Wilson, don't you? My Chief Clerk and Sergeant.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50- You said half-past.- I said quarter-past! You don't listen.
0:03:50 > 0:03:57- Old Hodges tried to give Mainwaring the elbow. - I'd have liked to have seen that.
0:03:57 > 0:04:04- As I was saying, what form should our welcome...? - 'Evening, everybody.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Sorry I'm late. I've had one of those days.
0:04:08 > 0:04:14I've a batch of new sausage skins. They're a bit too diaphanous.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Sit down, please, Mr Jones.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23The question is, what form should the welcome
0:04:23 > 0:04:28to Mr...er...er...er... to our Russian visitor take?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I've given this careful thought
0:04:31 > 0:04:34and I am prepared to offer him
0:04:34 > 0:04:39a voucher worth £10 towards the cost of a funeral.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Blimey, he'd have to peg out!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49That is a risk I've got to take.
0:04:49 > 0:04:57That's a good start, I'm sure, but what I had in mind was the broader aspect of welcome.
0:04:57 > 0:05:02Mr Chairman, I represent the WVS.
0:05:02 > 0:05:10I think we should not try to be all British and reserved. I think we should smile a lot.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Y-e-s. Yes, that would be very nice.
0:05:14 > 0:05:21Personally, I'm not altogether sympathetic to Reds. Let's not go too far.
0:05:21 > 0:05:26There was a time I felt the same about Bolshies and the like.
0:05:26 > 0:05:34- But they ARE on our side. - Why don't we give him the freedom of Walmington?- Ah-ha!
0:05:34 > 0:05:43He could get into the pictures for nothing. He's only here a couple of hours!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46They could put on a Mickey Mouse.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Will you excuse me a moment?
0:05:53 > 0:05:59Pike, you're not on this committee. You're here as a messenger.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Only trying to be helpful.
0:06:03 > 0:06:09Another word and I'll make you go into that office and shut the door.
0:06:14 > 0:06:22- Sorry about that. Now, I think that was a very good suggestion of Sergeant Wilson's.- Hear hear!
0:06:22 > 0:06:25What form should the freedom take?
0:06:25 > 0:06:31How about a parchment scroll, tied up with red ribbon?
0:06:31 > 0:06:37- I think I know where I can lay me hands on some.- How about a key?
0:06:37 > 0:06:43- Better still.- Cardboard or wood, easy. Brass, a bit of a problem.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Right, let's have a wooden one.
0:06:46 > 0:06:53The Mayor can say a few words of welcome and I will hand over the key.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- You got in there quick!- All right!
0:06:56 > 0:07:03The band could play Russian music and I could dress up as a Cossack and do cobblers.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08..Do what!?
0:07:08 > 0:07:13Cobblers, sir. It's a highly difficult kicking and dancing step.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Cossacks do a lot of it, sir.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22- I'll show you.- There's no need... - It's all right, it's quite easy.
0:07:22 > 0:07:28They crouch down and the music goes rum-ta-toom, HOI! HOI...!
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I shall have to practise, of course.
0:07:40 > 0:07:45- Sit down...- OW! Where's me chair!?
0:07:47 > 0:07:53The Home Guard will parade. I don't suppose the wardens will want to.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56We will!
0:07:56 > 0:08:01Sergeant Wilson can demonstrate acrobatic motorcycle riding (!)
0:08:02 > 0:08:08We haven't managed to persuade Wilson to mount the platoon motorcycle.
0:08:08 > 0:08:15We need music. The band can play and the choir can sing "The Red Flag".
0:08:15 > 0:08:20My choir will not sing that! I quite agree, Vicar.
0:08:20 > 0:08:27You should hear what they sing behind the scout huts! Make your hair stand on end!
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Oh, sorry, Vicar.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Can't they la-la it? That would be silly.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41Well, things seem to be taking shape.
0:08:41 > 0:08:48I shall co-ordinate all your ideas. I'm sure that, as usual, Walmington will rise to the occasion.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- And bore everybody stiff.- OUT!
0:08:56 > 0:09:02I'm sorry, Mr Livings. I cannot let you issue a cheque for £32.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05You've only 1/4d in your account!
0:09:07 > 0:09:12You'd better come in and see me. Thank you.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17- Ask Mr Wilson to come in, please. - He's not back from lunch yet, sir.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- He's not back from lunch!?- No.
0:09:20 > 0:09:28- It's 2:20. Send him in immediately he arrives.- Yes, sir. The 12 o'clock post just arrived.
0:09:28 > 0:09:36- Someone's playing a joke on Uncle Arthur "The Honourable A. Wilson." - Let me see that.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41- "The Honourable A. Wilson. Private."- But he's a sergeant!
0:09:41 > 0:09:44It's a private letter, stupid boy!
0:09:44 > 0:09:52- He knows I don't approve of private mail coming through the bank! - KNOCK >
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Did I leave my bunji here?
0:09:58 > 0:10:02- Your what?- That rubbing-out thing.
0:10:02 > 0:10:10- Come in, Wilson.- I left it... - Will you tell your friends to keep their jokes out of my bank?
0:10:11 > 0:10:17That wretched solicitor! I told him not to use the title on my letters!
0:10:17 > 0:10:24- What are you talking about...? - Well, I suppose you were bound to find out.
0:10:24 > 0:10:29- I haven't finished talking to you! - Oh, haven't you? I'm so sorry.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34- Are you saying this isn't a joke? - It certainly isn't.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38You really ARE an Honourable...?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Yes. Silly, isn't it?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Leave the office, Pike.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Perhaps you'd care to explain.
0:10:51 > 0:10:59Yes. You see, one of my uncles died so my side of the family moved up one place, so to speak.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02So I am now the Honourable.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11- Bless my soul!- I don't see why it should make a difference to US.
0:11:11 > 0:11:16You bet your bottom dollar it won't!
0:11:16 > 0:11:20And where have you been for lunch!?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I had a bite at the golf club.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- The golf club!?- Yes.- Who took you!?
0:11:25 > 0:11:30- I'm a member.- Since when!?
0:11:30 > 0:11:36When they heard about this title thing, they asked me to join.
0:11:36 > 0:11:42Oh...! I've been trying for YEARS to get in there!
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Yes, they're awfully particular.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48You don't even play!
0:11:48 > 0:11:53No, but I shall enjoy the food. They had smoked salmon today.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Smoked salmon at the golf club!
0:11:56 > 0:12:02- Know what- I- had for lunch!?- No. - I had a snoek fishcake!
0:12:08 > 0:12:11The Honourable Arthur Wilson, eh?
0:12:12 > 0:12:19- Being a member of the aristocracy explains a lot about your character.- Really?- Oh, yes.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24- They're a muddle-headed, ambling lot.- Surely not all of them...
0:12:24 > 0:12:34- Mum...! They phoned me! You're Honourable! - Mavis...- I KNEW you could do it!
0:12:34 > 0:12:40- Pike, how dare you use the bank's phone for improper use!? - Sorry...
0:12:40 > 0:12:47- Will you wear one of those uniforms with velvet knee breeches?- Mavis, don't fuss!
0:12:47 > 0:12:52- Kindly leave my office! - I'm sorry,
0:12:52 > 0:12:56but I had to touch that NOBLE face!
0:12:58 > 0:13:04- Arthur...will it make a difference? - Of course not. Now please go home.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- Go on.- Make a difference to WHAT?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Sorry about that, sir.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19- Don't apologise. And you're right, it won't make any difference.- No.
0:13:19 > 0:13:25I'm still the manager and you're still the Chief Clerk.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- So go about your work.- Certainly.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Thank you.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37- What do you want, Pike? - The Area Manager's on the phone.
0:13:37 > 0:13:42He's been hanging on while you were talking to Honourable Uncle Arthur.
0:13:46 > 0:13:53Hello. ..Yes, I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. I was in conference with my Chief Clerk.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Yes, that's right, Wilson.
0:13:56 > 0:14:02Well, as a matter of fact it's the Honourable Arthur Wilson.
0:14:03 > 0:14:09Yes... Well, I pick my staff very carefully, you know.
0:14:15 > 0:14:22When I was a regular soldier, we had lots of Honourable officers. At least, they was called that.
0:14:22 > 0:14:27They used to stand there in a haughty manner.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32They was good at keeping stiff upper lips.
0:14:32 > 0:14:40One officer had his head blown off, but his upper lip was as stiff as cardboard.
0:14:40 > 0:14:46He still calls me Frank, just like he was an ordinary common person.
0:14:48 > 0:14:54It won't change him. He was a fool before and he's a fool now.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59I used to serve a few Honourables in the Army and Navy Stores.
0:14:59 > 0:15:05The only difference with them was you couldn't get the money.
0:15:07 > 0:15:14- Right, Corporal.- Right, fall in! Look sharp about it.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Permission to speak, sir?
0:15:16 > 0:15:22- Sir, would you settle a small technical discussion?- What's that?
0:15:22 > 0:15:28Is it the Honourable Sergeant Wilson or Sergeant the Honourable Wilson?
0:15:29 > 0:15:37- I just want to be like an ordinary sergeant. - I'm sure that would suit us ALL.
0:15:38 > 0:15:45Sir, may I ride the motorcycle instead of Uncle Sergeant the Honourable Arthur?
0:15:45 > 0:15:51- Certainly not!- I don't mind giving up my turn, sir.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Prefer a Rolls Royce, would you (?)
0:15:54 > 0:15:58YOU will ride that motorcycle!
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- Sir.- Right!
0:16:00 > 0:16:07Now, I've been doing some research into the way the Russians show their appreciation.
0:16:07 > 0:16:15They don't, it seems, cheer as we do, but apparently they do applaud.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18So I think that's what we should do.
0:16:18 > 0:16:26Excuse me, sir. If we're to present and then start applauding, we'll have a lot of blue toes!
0:16:28 > 0:16:36- I hardly need to be told that. - Why don't we GROUND arms, sir? - I was just about to suggest that!
0:16:36 > 0:16:41Can we have a practise, then we can all get familiar?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Good idea. Patrol, 'SHUN!
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Ground arms!
0:16:49 > 0:16:53ALL: One, two, three, UP!
0:16:54 > 0:16:58I was waiting for him!
0:17:00 > 0:17:03My knees have gone asphyxiated, sir.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Applause for the Russian visitor.
0:17:10 > 0:17:16Stop... Stop it! Walker! This isn't a football match!
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Start again. Applause...begin.
0:17:26 > 0:17:33Oh, thank you very much, gentlemen. Can I have a word with you, Captain Mainwaring?
0:17:33 > 0:17:38- Certainly. Carry on, Wilson. - Yes, right.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- Good evening, SIR.- Nice to see you.
0:17:42 > 0:17:47- Go through the whole manoeuvre three or four times.- Yes, sir.
0:17:49 > 0:17:55- How can I help you, Mr Town Clerk? - I hope you won't take this amiss.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00We feel that since Mr Wilson came into a title,
0:18:00 > 0:18:08and there aren't any other titled people in Walmington, well... we feel HE should present the key.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I couldn't possibly allow that.
0:18:15 > 0:18:23- The Mayor hoped you wouldn't take it the wrong way. - Tell the Mayor and his Corporation
0:18:23 > 0:18:26that I'm not taking it AT ALL!
0:18:26 > 0:18:32- This interview is at an end. - If that's how you feel...- I do!
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Damned impertinence!
0:18:37 > 0:18:42Ah, I've altered the drill a little bit.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46What do you think? Russians, welcome.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50All right!
0:18:50 > 0:18:58- That's enough. Wilson, when I want you to rewrite the drill book, I'll let you know.- Sir...
0:18:58 > 0:19:01The part where I present the key...
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- PHONE RINGS - Answer that, Pike.
0:19:04 > 0:19:11Captain, why are YOU presenting the key? I think the Honourable should do it.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16No, I don't agree...
0:19:16 > 0:19:19It's a good thing to have a change.
0:19:19 > 0:19:26Although Sergeant Wilson has three stripes on his Honourable arm,
0:19:26 > 0:19:31you've got three pips on your common shoulder.
0:19:31 > 0:19:38So, although you're more common than he is, you've got better insignia.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41And THAT is the status quo.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49Finished (?) Now listen to me. I...
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Excuse me, my lord.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59- Can the vicar have an audience? - What's going on!?
0:19:59 > 0:20:05I wondered if the Honourable Arthur would join the Church Council.
0:20:05 > 0:20:13- And would he approve a crest for his own private pew? - I'm in the middle of a parade!
0:20:13 > 0:20:18It's the Civil Defence Authority. It's urgent.
0:20:18 > 0:20:25Take over, Corporal. Wilson, come with me. I don't trust you! I'll deal with YOU later.
0:20:25 > 0:20:32- It was awfully nice of you to ask, but it's rather awkward...- Wilson!
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- Come with me!- I...I'm coming.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Get out of the way!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Mainwaring here.
0:20:45 > 0:20:52- I represent the Breakaway Committee. - Breakaway from WHAT?- From YOU!
0:20:52 > 0:20:59We want the Honourable Arthur to present that key!
0:20:59 > 0:21:08Hold on a minute... Wilson, tell this man once and for all you are not presenting the key!
0:21:08 > 0:21:14- Aren't I?- Tell him!- Right... I am NOT presenting the key.
0:21:14 > 0:21:21Good day, Hodges! You've engineered all this, haven't you!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24I wish it had never happened!
0:21:24 > 0:21:30I didn't ask to join the golf club. I'm now getting begging letters.
0:21:30 > 0:21:37Mrs Pike wants me to buy a pipe, a tweed hat and a Labrador! Life isn't worth living!
0:21:37 > 0:21:42Don't give me all that soft soap! You're revelling in it!
0:21:42 > 0:21:51If I had a title I'd be on the board, not managing some tinpot branch with a crackpot clerk!
0:21:52 > 0:21:57- Remember Jones' words! - Which particular words?
0:21:57 > 0:22:03I've got three of THESE and you've got three of THOSE!
0:22:04 > 0:22:10I'M going to present that key and YOU'LL ride that motorbike!
0:22:10 > 0:22:15And I'll tell you when you can smoke!
0:22:18 > 0:22:23There you are, with nearly a full tank.
0:22:23 > 0:22:28- If he falls off and breaks his leg, can I have it for a bit?- Be quiet!
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- Where is he?- Getting ready.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Blimey, Amy Johnson!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Right, get him on.
0:22:40 > 0:22:48- You've time for an hour's spin before the ceremony. - Wouldn't ten minutes be enough?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Just get on with it.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56- ENGINE FAILS - Do it again.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59ENGINE STARTS
0:22:59 > 0:23:03Squeeze the clutch with your left hand,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06kick the gear with your right foot,
0:23:06 > 0:23:14then rev up with your right hand by doing this sort of motion THRUM-THRUM, THRUM-THRUM.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19Then release the clutch as if you was unsqueezing a lemon.
0:23:27 > 0:23:34- Sir, should I follow on a bicycle with this?- No, it's time he learned to fend for himself.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42You silly man!
0:24:11 > 0:24:16WARDEN BARKS INSTRUCTIONS
0:24:16 > 0:24:24- If you've killed Uncle Arthur, Mum'll never forgive you.- Silence! - It's not like him not to phone.
0:24:24 > 0:24:30- Everything ready?- Of course. It will all go like clockwork.
0:24:30 > 0:24:38- I hope I didn't offend you by suggesting the Honourable Arthur do this?- I'm not a vindictive man.
0:24:38 > 0:24:45- Where is Wilson?- He hasn't finished his motorcycle training yet. He's not 100 per cent reliable.
0:24:45 > 0:24:53- Who'll command the platoon while you perform the ceremony?- Corporal Jones. - Will he be all right?- Oh, yes, yes.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56That looks like the staff car now. >
0:24:56 > 0:24:59STAND BY!
0:24:59 > 0:25:03BAND PLAYS "THE RED FLAG"
0:25:04 > 0:25:08WORDS INAUDIBLE
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Wait till the car door opens.
0:25:13 > 0:25:18PLATOON, 'SHUN!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Nurses, 'SHUN!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25GROUND ARMS!
0:25:25 > 0:25:27One, two, three, UP!
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Clapping the Russian visitors, BEGIN!
0:25:45 > 0:25:49"THE RED FLAG"
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Not you!
0:26:23 > 0:26:29All right! I say! That's enough! ..Thank you.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38Pray silence for His Worship the Mayor of Walmington-on-Sea.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42He's promised to be brief.
0:26:42 > 0:26:48Mr Vladislovski, on behalf of Walmington-on-Sea, welcome.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52He's kept his promise.
0:26:52 > 0:26:57TRANSLATION INTO RUSSIAN
0:26:59 > 0:27:06Mr Vladislovski, you and I are comrades in the common struggle,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09even though we live poles apart.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12He had to mention the Poles (!)
0:27:12 > 0:27:17- We welcome you... - TRANSLATION...
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Just...just a moment, please!
0:27:22 > 0:27:25We are proud to give you this key,
0:27:25 > 0:27:30which symbolises the freedom of Walmington-on-Sea.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33TRANSLATION
0:27:33 > 0:27:41SHE TRANSLATES HIS SPEECH: I represent the workers of the Soviet Union.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Hear hear!
0:27:46 > 0:27:53You who are sitting here are not workers. You have soft faces.
0:27:55 > 0:28:01Your hands are soft. You are bourgeois middle class.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05Damned cheek!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09You are giving me honours.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19Honour your own workers!
0:28:21 > 0:28:26I say...! You don't understand...!
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Play!
0:28:30 > 0:28:34BAND PLAYS "THE RED FLAG"
0:28:36 > 0:28:40SPEAKS FONDLY IN RUSSIAN
0:28:40 > 0:28:46Here is a man in the uniform not of an imperialist, but of a worker!
0:28:46 > 0:28:49I'm so sorry I'm late, sir.
0:28:50 > 0:28:57He has the dirt of a worker on his hands, the sweat of a worker on his brow.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00HE shall have your honour!
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Thank you! Very kind of you, sir.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15SHUT UP!!
0:29:57 > 0:30:00Subtitles by BBC