0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:07 > 0:00:12# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21
0:00:36 > 0:00:38# But he comes home each evening
0:00:38 > 0:00:41# And he's ready with his gun
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:46 > 0:00:52# If you think old England's done? #
0:01:02 > 0:01:07- How are they now, Mr Mainwaring? - They're throbbing a bit, nurse,
0:01:07 > 0:01:12- but I'll grin and bear it. - We've got a visitor to cheer you up.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Not Mrs Mainwaring!
0:01:13 > 0:01:15No.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Two gentlemen. Come in. He's respectable.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Can I do you now, sir?
0:01:21 > 0:01:25- Ah! Come in, Jones. Hello, Wilson. - Hello, sir.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27You can stay until the bell goes.
0:01:27 > 0:01:32- How sweet. Thanks for showing us the way.- That's all right, sir.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35That uniform suits you awfully well.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Thank you.
0:01:37 > 0:01:44- Thank you, nurse.- I think it's the belt you're wearing. It makes your waist look absolutely tiny!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46That's all!
0:01:49 > 0:01:55They have to work, not listen to this Ronald Coleman stuff!
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I've brought these for you, sir.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02How kind! Make yourselves at home.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07- Thank you, sir.- Sit down, Jones. - Thanks very much.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Ooh!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Sorry.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Hitler won't catch you bending, sir!
0:02:18 > 0:02:23That's right, Jones. Have to hide it from Matron, though.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Let's see what we've got here.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Great Scott!
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Grapes.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I haven't tasted a grape...
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- ..since 1939.- Yeah.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Well, they're not real grapes, sir.
0:02:41 > 0:02:46We...we impersonated them from electric light wires and...
0:02:46 > 0:02:48..shaved gooseberries.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I see what you mean.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57We had trouble from the gooseberry fur,
0:02:57 > 0:03:04but Mr Frazer found a bit of glass paper what he uses on ten-guinea coffins.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Yes, well, it was a kind thought.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12In fact I have received some fruit from Mrs Mainwaring.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14How nice! Is this it?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- Yes, that's it.- How nice!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20It says "Get well soon."
0:03:20 > 0:03:24- There's something on the back too. - Oh, yes, er...
0:03:24 > 0:03:29- "The Anderson shelter's leaking." - Yes, well, it'll just have to wait.
0:03:29 > 0:03:36- Tell me, how was the operation? - Ah, I want to talk to you about that...in private.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40I wonder if you would mind popping out for a moment, Jones.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45- Me, sir?- Yes, I've got something personal to say to Sergeant Wilson.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Yes, sir. I understand, sir.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Yes, sir.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58I asked Jones to leave because...
0:03:58 > 0:04:03I'll be outside, sir. I'll be just without of earshot.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05- Thank you.- Thank you.
0:04:05 > 0:04:10I asked Jones to leave because I think you ought to see my feet.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Why?
0:04:15 > 0:04:21Because I want you to understand every single implication of this...
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- ..whole affair.- Dear oh dear!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28How awful!
0:04:28 > 0:04:34- It's my contention that that has been caused by active service. - Ingrowing toenails?
0:04:34 > 0:04:40Not a shadow of a doubt. The hours of duty. They'll never be the same.
0:04:40 > 0:04:47- Will you try for a disablement pension?- No, no. But that's caused by the standing about I do.
0:04:47 > 0:04:53You also do a lot of sitting about, don't you? Have you any trouble... down there?
0:04:57 > 0:05:02You know, there's a certain coarse streak in you, Wilson.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06I expect you picked it up at public school.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Awfully sorry.
0:05:08 > 0:05:14I'm alerting you so you can be on guard for yourself and the troops.
0:05:14 > 0:05:21- I shall be very careful, sir. - Well, I shan't mention it again. Come in now, Jones!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I never heard a word, sir.
0:05:24 > 0:05:31Glad to see our chaps are doing so well in the desert. Those Itai's are no match for Tommy Atkins.
0:05:31 > 0:05:36You're right, sir. It's cos we keep going in with the old cold steel.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Them Wops ain't used to it, sir.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44Well, not many people can get used to it really.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49Not surprising if you got a great big Grenadier Guard going WERRRRRR!
0:05:49 > 0:05:54- Very few people can stomach that. - No, no, all right. Never mind that.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56How's the platoon getting on?
0:05:56 > 0:06:00- Swimmingly!- Really?- Oh, yes. Miss you, of course.
0:06:00 > 0:06:06Yes, they're bound to. But, er... I'm afraid I'm here four more days.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Don't fret yourself, Mr Mainwaring.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Mr Wilson has made us carry on as if you were there,
0:06:13 > 0:06:18like an invisible presence, like a guiding star.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20And he don't use "bull" like you do.
0:06:21 > 0:06:26I'm not in favour of bull. Are you maintaining discipline?
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Yes. I'm keeping discipline very well - in my style.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Yeah (!)
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Well, I hope to goodness you are.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39There's only one way to run an army, Wilson. You must have obedience.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Instant, unthinking obedience!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45THEY ALL SPEAK AT ONCE
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Please, please, PLEASE!
0:06:48 > 0:06:53- For heaven's sake! One at a time! - I'm sorry, Mr Wilson, but...
0:06:53 > 0:06:55..I feel you were wrong.
0:06:55 > 0:07:00I wish you'd stop nagging at me. I've got the most dreadful headache.
0:07:00 > 0:07:05The whole idea is doomed, DOOMED from the start, I tell ye.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08You cannae have vicars in the army!
0:07:08 > 0:07:12They don't mix. It's like oil and vinegar!
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Makes good salad dressing. What does?
0:07:15 > 0:07:21Oil and vinegar. Provided you put the oil in first...or is it the vinegar?
0:07:21 > 0:07:28I'm not talking about salad dressing. I'm saying that when YOUNG ARTHUR let the vicar join our platoon,
0:07:28 > 0:07:32he made an idiot of himself. Go on, admit it, admit it!
0:07:32 > 0:07:38What could I do? It's in the papers. Lots of clergymen are joining up.
0:07:38 > 0:07:43And you mark my words. Yon verger - he's a Jonah!
0:07:43 > 0:07:46He has a face like a sour prune.
0:07:46 > 0:07:51It wouldn't have happened if Mr Mainwaring had been here.
0:07:51 > 0:07:56Well, he's not here for three days. I DO wish you'd stop going on at ME!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- You leave Uncle Arthur alone. - All right.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Vicars can be very useful.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Look at Spencer Tracy.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07James Cagney was going to the chair,
0:08:07 > 0:08:11and Spencer Tracy asked him to die like a coward
0:08:11 > 0:08:16so the kids wouldn't think he was a hero. He went to the chair screaming.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20- He died all yellow. - Wasn't that Charlie Chang?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Oh, Godfrey, please!
0:08:23 > 0:08:28When we was with Lord Kitchener, we had a real nice padre with us.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32A good one. He was a hard man, Lord Kitchener,
0:08:32 > 0:08:40always cursin' and swearin', and this padre was always begging him to turn away from his evil habits.
0:08:40 > 0:08:45Anyway, the night before the battle of Omdurman, he lined us up,
0:08:45 > 0:08:50and he gave Lord Kitchener and all of us a drumhead service. Yes.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54And the next day, just before the battle was due to commence,
0:08:54 > 0:09:02Kitchener grabbed his binoculars, and he saw on the horizon 40,000 dervishes all chasing towards us.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04"Oh, my God," he said.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09And the padre was all smiles cos he thought he'd done a good job.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13All right! There's no point going on about it. It's done.
0:09:13 > 0:09:21- It's nearly half-past.- What? You see! It's very naughty of you keeping me here. We ought to be on parade.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Now come along all of you. Quick as you can.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Sorry I'm late. The confirmation class went on and on.
0:09:31 > 0:09:36- Have I missed anything?- We're starting parade now.- How exciting!
0:09:36 > 0:09:40You left this in the vestry, your Reverence.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- Oh yes, silly me! - Now you're here, we can start.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Goody, goody! Private Yateman, HAT!
0:09:49 > 0:09:53You stand at the end. Watch what the others do and follow them.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Right, platoon...
0:09:55 > 0:10:00Properly at ease everywhere. Come along. Properly at ease. Platoon...
0:10:00 > 0:10:02AttenTION!
0:10:04 > 0:10:07At ease! ..Yes, well,
0:10:07 > 0:10:12wasn't awfully good, was it? Try and get it all together.
0:10:12 > 0:10:17Let's try again. Pay attention. At ease, platoon...attenTION!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Stand at EASE!
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- Yes, that's better.- Oh no it wasn't!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27It was a SHAMBLES!
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Look! It's Hopalong Cassidy!
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- We weren't expecting you for days. - Obviously.
0:10:34 > 0:10:40They need the beds for urgent cases so I discharged myself. Just as well.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45- Nice to see you back, sir.- Thanks. - Even if you are dodgy on the pins.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I think I'd better inspect the men.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53- Right, squad, squad, SQUAD. - Uh-uh-uh, Wilson.
0:10:53 > 0:10:58- Wilson, stand further away from my feet.- I'm sorry.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I beg your pardon.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Squad...squad, attenTION!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Very smart, Jones, as usual.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Thank you sir. I always keep myself smart and alert.
0:11:14 > 0:11:20I'm talking to you, but my eyes are darting hither and thither,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23ready to see any danger lurking,
0:11:23 > 0:11:28and if I detect the smallest peril, I'm on to it before you can say...
0:11:28 > 0:11:33- ..CRACK! AHHHH! Don't move! - GET HIM OFF! GET HIM OFF!
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Jones!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Jones! Put him down!
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- And pick that up.- Yes, sir. Well...
0:11:41 > 0:11:43..he moved and I detected him.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Mr Mainwaring? Can I stand next to someone else?
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Stay where you are, Pike. ..What's this?
0:11:52 > 0:11:56- A violin case. - How dare you bring it on parade!
0:11:56 > 0:12:01- Take this man's name.- Right, sir. - Stand away from my feet!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03- Further.- I do beg your pardon.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05I haven't got a violin in it.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10It's me Tommy gun. Like Edward G Robinson in "Scarface."
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- Do you know about this? - NAA NAA NAAAAAAAAA!!!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16MY FEET!
0:12:16 > 0:12:22Don't ever bring it on parade again. See me in the office afterwards.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29- Where's Walker?- Oh, he asked me to leave a note in his place.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Pick it up.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43"Captain Mainwaring, personal."
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Personal? Well, give it to me.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Unusual perfume.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Petrol.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01"Dear Cap...
0:13:02 > 0:13:05"Thanks for letting me off.
0:13:06 > 0:13:11"Had to go up to the Smoke for a few days to do a deal.
0:13:11 > 0:13:17"I can swing it for a grand, but I'll have to drop the geezer a pony.
0:13:17 > 0:13:24"Of course, if I cop it for a bit under, I'll sweeten him with a monkey,
0:13:24 > 0:13:30"and half a bar for his nippers. P.S Here's a couple of oncers for you."
0:13:35 > 0:13:37How dare he try to bribe me!
0:13:37 > 0:13:42- I'll see him in the office later. - There'll be quite a queue.
0:13:42 > 0:13:47- That's enough. And WILL you get away from my feet?!- I'm sorry.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- Good evening.- Good eve...
0:13:53 > 0:13:55What's that paper in your hat?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01- Er...oh yes. That's for the sun. - For the sun?
0:14:01 > 0:14:09Sgt Wilson won't let me wear my panama, and my nose is sensitive. This was the next best thing.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- Words fail me (!)- He'd better see you in the office as well.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29- Frazer, at least you look normal. - Thank you, sir.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33The wee moose will be gone from my pocket by the morrow.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35What?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38The wee moose.
0:14:38 > 0:14:43I couldnae leave her by herself, sir. You see, she's...
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Her bairns are due.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51O-oh!
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Pregnant mice? Nose guards? Violins?
0:14:55 > 0:15:00I'm away a few hours and the entire unit crumbles before your eyes.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05What's this?
0:15:05 > 0:15:11I've joined your happy band. And where he goes, there goest I.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14If this is a joke, it's a bad one.
0:15:14 > 0:15:20- They asked to join and I saw no reason to stop them.- Follow me. All three of you.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Now, what's all this tomfoolery?
0:15:29 > 0:15:33- Don't call his Reverence a Tomfool. - It's here in the paper.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- I read that rubbish. - They asked so I signed them on.
0:15:37 > 0:15:43It was quite spontaneous. I've been wrestling with my conscience.
0:15:43 > 0:15:48It's been agony. Night and day. Thank you, Mr Yateman.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53I asked myself, "Could I stand and watch my wife being raped by a Nazi?"
0:15:53 > 0:15:56"NO," I said, "I couldn't."
0:15:56 > 0:15:58You're not married.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I have a very vivid imagination.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06With the example of the other clergy, I knew my place was at your side.
0:16:06 > 0:16:12- But I don't want you by my side. - I'm afraid it's too late now, sir.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- These the papers?- Yes, sir.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18- We'll see. - Don't destroy his particulars!
0:16:18 > 0:16:20It won't help. They're duplicates.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Right. If that's how the land lies,
0:16:24 > 0:16:28soldiers you are and soldiers you shall be.
0:16:28 > 0:16:33Parade with Jones's section tonight and see what the army's all about.
0:16:33 > 0:16:38We won't spare you, I promise. There'll be no pulpit to lean on.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Left right, left right, left right, squad...HALT!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Left TURN!
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Private Pike, Private Vicar and Private Verger,
0:16:58 > 0:17:02stand fast, the rest into the guard room. Fall out.
0:17:02 > 0:17:07You'd better put your tin helmets on in case a bomb drops on you.
0:17:09 > 0:17:16Now listen, Private Vicar. Private Pike and I are going to demonstrate correct procedure for a soldier
0:17:16 > 0:17:19guarding things while on sentry.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Now, the first thing to look out for is parachuters,
0:17:23 > 0:17:26saboteurs and enemies of the realm.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28If any of these should approach you,
0:17:28 > 0:17:33you challenge them in the aforesaid manner. Private Pike, you show them.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Halt! Who goes there?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- That was very good. - Thanks very much.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Now, you do it just like that.
0:17:43 > 0:17:48- Could I go in now? I'm cold. I haven't got my muffler.- Wherrr.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51You don't want to bother about a muffler, boy! You're a soldier!
0:17:51 > 0:17:52HE SNEEZES
0:17:52 > 0:17:58You're right. It IS a bit nippy. Anyway, it won't take a tick.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02You do what Private Pike just done. Come on.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Halt. Who goes there?
0:18:05 > 0:18:10Well, he's not going to come from down there, is he?!
0:18:10 > 0:18:18Can't you make your voice a bit more fiercer, like a rough, devil-may-care, brutal person?
0:18:18 > 0:18:23- I thought he did very well.- I'm not asking you. Silence in the ranks.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28I'm not frightened of you at all. Quiet, Mr Yateman.
0:18:28 > 0:18:34If I hear any more, he'll be on a FISA Section 40 doc. to discipline...prejudice.
0:18:34 > 0:18:40- Can we do the next bit now?- Yeah. We'll do the next bit. What is it?
0:18:40 > 0:18:47Upon being challenged with "Halt! Who goes there?", the saboteur or enemy of the realm says "Friend."
0:18:47 > 0:18:53- Whereupon you say "Advance, friend, and be recognised."- Yeah, you do it.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Advance, friend, and be recognised.
0:18:57 > 0:19:03YOU haven't got to be friendly. You're asking him if HE'S friendly.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05You don't want to be friendly, do you?
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Suppose he advances and I don't recognise him?
0:19:09 > 0:19:15If you don't know him, he'll know you. Everyone knows and respects his Reverence.
0:19:15 > 0:19:21Well, it's a bit more complicated, but you pick it up as you go along
0:19:21 > 0:19:26and if you have any bother, you send for the guard commander, that's me,
0:19:26 > 0:19:31and if I have any trouble, or anyone shoots you, I call out
0:19:31 > 0:19:35"Turn out the guard, turn out the guard" and we come and help you.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Let's go in. It's a bit nippy out here.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Heh-heh-heh, will you look at that?
0:19:45 > 0:19:50Two shillings for a packet of 20 cigarettes - highway robbery!
0:19:50 > 0:19:52I know, the world's gone mad.
0:19:52 > 0:19:59I remember, when I was young, some of us young blades decided to have a good night out.
0:19:59 > 0:20:06We went to London, saw the show at the Gaiety Theatre, and had a slap-up supper -
0:20:06 > 0:20:10four courses, with wine. Then we all sailed home in hansom cabs.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14And we had change out of half a sovereign!
0:20:15 > 0:20:20You know the trouble wi' you Godfrey, you've always been a spendthrift.
0:20:23 > 0:20:29Prices aren't too bad. Pikey and I went to the Rosemary Cafe in Eastgate for lunch.
0:20:29 > 0:20:36We had brown Windsor soup, we had whale cutlets, mashed potatoes, swedes,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39tapioca pudding and a cup of tea -
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Ninepence!
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Mind you, it wasn't very good.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I was sick.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55# Oft in danger Oft in woe
0:20:55 > 0:20:58# Christian soldiers onward... #
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Your Reverence!
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Somebody is approaching. Where?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05There. Through the murk.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Oh dear! Will you do it or will I?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Halt! Who goes there?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14What?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Who goes there?
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Adolf.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19What did he say?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22He said Adolf! Did you say Adolf?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25That's right. Adolf Hitler.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29I think it's a cheeky young boy having us on.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Come here, boy.
0:21:31 > 0:21:36If you don't behave, you'll be in trouble, for disobeying army orders.
0:21:36 > 0:21:41Go on! You're not proper soldiers. You're a vicar and he's a verger.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44I'm not taking any notice of you.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48One more chance! Say it again, Mr Yateman.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Who goes there?
0:21:50 > 0:21:54- Adolf Hitler! - Oh no! We'd better call Mr Jones.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59I could clip him round the ear. No, we'll call Mr Jones.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Turn out the guard!
0:22:01 > 0:22:09Come on, lads. The vicar's in trouble. Turn out the guard! Where's the enemy? Where are they?
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Fix bayonets!
0:22:10 > 0:22:15We said "Halt! Who goes there?" and he refuses to say "Friend."
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- Who?- This little boy.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20You didnae turn us out for him!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23He's supposed to say it. You said so!
0:22:23 > 0:22:27I know that boy. He's a cheeky little monkey.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32He comes into my shop when it's full of people and shouts "Sainsbury's!"
0:22:33 > 0:22:38He comes into our bank and shouts, "National Provincial."
0:22:38 > 0:22:45- You can't do anything. You're not proper soldiers.- Oh, aren't we? We'll show you. Bring him inside.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49You heard what the corporal said. Get inside!
0:22:49 > 0:22:55He hit me! You're not supposed to. It's against the Geneva convention.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Yes. And so's that!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Come in here, young fellow-me-lad.
0:23:00 > 0:23:05He hit me, the bully. I'll tell my Uncle Willy on you.
0:23:05 > 0:23:11Hey, hey! I want nae backchat, son. I'm going to talk to you in your AIN language.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15WATCH OOT! Or I'll hand you over to the polis.
0:23:15 > 0:23:21For not compiling with lawful things what we're telling you about.
0:23:21 > 0:23:28- What's going on? Where's the guard? - We've taken a suspect, and we're interrogorating him.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- Suspect? Where?- Over there, sir.
0:23:32 > 0:23:39- He doesn't look suspicious. - He said his name was Adolf Hitler. - Don't take too much stock of that.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Run along. In future, don't be cheeky.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45He hit me. I want an apology.
0:23:45 > 0:23:52- Go, or my sergeant will put a belt round your backside.- So! Assault, battery, threats and foul language.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57- I'll tell my uncle. He'll have the law on you.- Wilson, see him off.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02- Pardon, sir?- See him off!- Please stop addressing me like a labrador.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Go on, you little perisher!
0:24:09 > 0:24:16Now, in case there's a follow-up to this, I want a report from you all, as soon as you are relieved.
0:24:16 > 0:24:21I was joking when this guard skelped me across the lug.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Go on, Hamish.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Then they all set on me.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- Shovin' and punchin'? - Yeah. Then old sourface...
0:24:29 > 0:24:34- Mainwaring? - Yes. He said I'd get a whipping so I ran off.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38If anything makes my blood boil, it's cruelty to children.
0:24:38 > 0:24:43They were very cruel. Come on. I'll settle their hash.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45You going to fight him?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Well. We'll see what happens.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52He's a cheeky wee devil.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- He deserved a skelping. - Thank you, Frazer.
0:24:55 > 0:25:02If you have the details, I'll sign. From my experience, that's the last we'll hear of it.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Mainwaring! Jacket off and outside!
0:25:07 > 0:25:11What are you talking about? How dare you come barging in?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Hamish, repeat what you told me.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18That's him, Uncle Willy. He hit me again and again.
0:25:18 > 0:25:24- Uncle Willy?- HE pointed his bayonet at me, and the fat one said,
0:25:24 > 0:25:28"Run along or my sergeant will put his belt across your backside."
0:25:28 > 0:25:36That's your mark, isn't it, bullying little boys. Why not pick on someone your own size? Try me! Come on!
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Hold my glasses, Wilson.
0:25:41 > 0:25:48Just a minute sir. Don't tangle with him in your crippled state. I'll do it, sir.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52No, Jonesy. You're too old. Come on, PUT 'EM UP!
0:25:53 > 0:25:57That's nice, that is. Eight against one.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Seven. I'm not well.
0:25:59 > 0:26:07Right. I'm bringing charges. I'm having you all up in court. You'll hear a few home truths there.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10They're a laughing stock. Laughing stock.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14PLAYING soldiers. Playing! That's all.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19- And his sausages are ALL BREAD! - My sausages are NOT...
0:26:19 > 0:26:22..well, you can't get the meat, sir.
0:26:22 > 0:26:30You should hear us laugh when you come on parade and HE's hobbling around with his Red Cross handbag!
0:26:30 > 0:26:33You with your Red Cross handbag!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36They're almost as funny as the wardens.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Yeah! As funny as... WHAT DID YOU SAY?
0:26:39 > 0:26:44You with your white hat and your flat nose and your "Fire! Fire!"
0:26:44 > 0:26:48YOU CHEEKY LITTLE WHIPPERSNAPPER! I'll get you outside!
0:26:51 > 0:26:55I think that's the last we've heard of that.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Although, one thing is quite clear.
0:26:57 > 0:27:05If you, Vicar, and you, Verger, had dealt with it in a military fashion, this wouldn't have happened.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09So it's all my fault, is it? It's his Reverence's fault?!
0:27:09 > 0:27:13As far as I'm concerned, it shows how SILLY the whole thing is.
0:27:13 > 0:27:19I'm fed up of you all. Keep your silly gun! And your silly hat!
0:27:19 > 0:27:24- And your silly TUNIC! - What about the silly trousers?
0:27:24 > 0:27:28I'll send them round in the morning. Come on!
0:27:28 > 0:27:33Help! There's a bomb in the High Street, the town will be on fire.
0:27:33 > 0:27:40- Sand buckets, Frazer! Get the pump! Pike, two buckets of water.- Sorry! I didn't mean to tread on your foot.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Never mind that. There's a war on.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Where's my helmet? At the double!
0:28:33 > 0:28:37Subtitles by David Padmore - 1993 -