0:00:02 > 0:00:05# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game,
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# We are the boys who will make you think again,
0:00:22 > 0:00:26# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun,
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:52 > 0:01:00Don't 'alf look posh, Mr Jones! Must look after things, Pikey boy. Don't make vans like this now.
0:01:00 > 0:01:07Have to nurture 'em with craftsmanship, an' oil. That's real gold leaf! Really?
0:01:07 > 0:01:14Vanity, sheer vanity! He wants to bandy his name all over town, like a tin of baked beans.
0:01:14 > 0:01:21Beans? Looks rather jolly. It'll cheer people up, even if there's no meat in it.
0:01:23 > 0:01:29Wilson, gather the men, with their secret signs. It's confidential. Right.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32(Would you gather round?)
0:01:32 > 0:01:39(Er...would you mind gathering round Capt Mainwaring, quick as you can?)
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Wilson. Yes, sir? Wilson!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Yes? Yes? Wilson! Here, sir.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I'm over here, round the back. Sir!
0:01:54 > 0:01:58He wanted us to gather round him!
0:02:01 > 0:02:09You want me, sir? What are you doing? What you asked - getting them gathered round confidentially.
0:02:09 > 0:02:16What I have to SAY is confidential, not the fact that they have to gather round. Sorry, sir.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Pay attention!
0:02:19 > 0:02:27'Scuse me, Mr Mainwaring, doesn't Mr Jones's van look nice? Don't interrupt, or you'll go home.
0:02:27 > 0:02:36What I have to say is confidential. It DOES look nice! Beg pardon? Jones's van. A marvellous job!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Ye-es... Now, this area...
0:02:40 > 0:02:48'Scuse me, Mr Mainwaring, if Sgt Wilson interrupts, will you send HIM home? I shan't tell you again, Pike!
0:02:49 > 0:02:54Now, this area has been selected for the divisional scheme,
0:02:54 > 0:02:59and the broad outline of the plan...
0:02:59 > 0:03:02CLATTER
0:03:02 > 0:03:10Mr Mainwaring, you've knocked down my running board. Leave it! We'll deal with that later.
0:03:10 > 0:03:16You shouldn't do that, Mr Mainwaring. Quiet! He put his great leg on my running board!
0:03:16 > 0:03:21Better be quiet, Mr Jones, or he'll send you home. He's got a mood on.
0:03:21 > 0:03:28Now, three battalions of regular troops will move into this area round Walmington and Eastgate,
0:03:28 > 0:03:32and they will defend it in depth.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Now, our task is a vitally important one.
0:03:36 > 0:03:43We are going to signpost the area so that the units reach their correct destination. Right?
0:03:43 > 0:03:50Now, the axis of advance is down the Clayton Road, thus...
0:03:52 > 0:03:59Don't do that, Mr Mainwaring! You're spoiling my van. Don't fuss. It'll rub off.
0:03:59 > 0:04:06You're making it worse! Don't! Don't! You're desecrating it, Mr Mainwaring.
0:04:08 > 0:04:16You can soon retouch that. Don't worry about it. Now, as you know, the signposts have been removed.
0:04:16 > 0:04:22So without our help, the whole convoy could end up in chaos.
0:04:22 > 0:04:27That's why you're preparing secret signs, so they can find their way.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Who's got the one for Walmington?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33That's awfully good, Frank.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38The hand is almost lifelike, don't you think, sir? Well done.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42It's got dirty fingernails!
0:04:42 > 0:04:47Just one thing - it's pointing the wrong way. How d'you mean?
0:04:47 > 0:04:54If they're coming down yon road, Walmington is to the left. Ah...!
0:04:54 > 0:05:00I wondered who'd be the first to spot that.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Well, it's easily solved, isn't it?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Stupid boy!
0:05:07 > 0:05:12Just stand on your head. Don't be impertinent, Pike!
0:05:12 > 0:05:16It's quite simple, sir, just put it this way.
0:05:16 > 0:05:24The men coming down the road will see that there's nothing on it and they will be intrigued.
0:05:24 > 0:05:30They'll say, "I wonder if there's nothing also on the other side."
0:05:30 > 0:05:38They'll go round the other side, and it's pointing the right way, and we shall win the war.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43Who's got the Eastgate sign? Here it is, sir.
0:05:44 > 0:05:51What's that? Well, you said it was secret, so I thought I'd use code.
0:05:51 > 0:05:57A Chinaman for "east" and a gate for "gate". East-gate.
0:06:00 > 0:06:06I don't think that's a very good idea at all. Send him home!
0:06:08 > 0:06:12You'll be dropped off the van one by one. The signal is this...
0:06:12 > 0:06:14HITS VAN
0:06:14 > 0:06:22D'you mind not hitting that van in the aforesaid manner, sir? Stop fussing! There's a war on.
0:06:22 > 0:06:28Yes, but there's no need to spoil my van. That's up to Hitler.
0:06:28 > 0:06:34It's on the cards that you'll have to drive the van across country, and you may get stuck.
0:06:34 > 0:06:40Be prepared for it. Jones, just get in the van.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Pretend you're driving, and you get stuck.
0:06:44 > 0:06:51You won't have to hit my van again, will you, sir? Just get in the driving-seat! Very good.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Now, the materials you should carry are...
0:06:55 > 0:07:001) sawdust; 2) empty sacking;
0:07:00 > 0:07:063) planks; and 4) a length of rope.
0:07:06 > 0:07:11With these, and some brute force, you should overcome any hazard.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Num-num-num-num-num-num-num... Going along all right.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Num-num-num-num-num-num...
0:07:18 > 0:07:23Oh, dear! Look, I've got stuck. Woo-a, woo-a, woo-a woo-a...
0:07:23 > 0:07:28All right, Jones, switch off. Switch off. Switched off, sir.
0:07:28 > 0:07:36Right, the wheels are spinning. What do we do? Use sawdust or straw for grip, and give a bit of a push.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41Good! Take up pushing positions. I'll supervise from here.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Right?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Hey, you're spoiling my van again!
0:07:49 > 0:07:56You've made that dangle. It's falling to pieces. Sawdust, Wilson. Pardon? Sawdust.
0:07:56 > 0:08:03Over there, Uncle, by the wall. What about it? Put it under the wheels.
0:08:03 > 0:08:11Right. And don't dawdle. We've got a lot of ground to cover. Like this? That all right?
0:08:11 > 0:08:16Yes, you'll need a lot more than that. Right.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Right, clear it up, Pike.
0:08:20 > 0:08:25He's only just thrown it down. Do as you're told, boy!
0:08:26 > 0:08:32That'll get you out of any mud or soft country. We could also have used straw.
0:08:32 > 0:08:41He's NOT throwing straw down as well?! A little wrinkle that's worth knowing in case of heavy ice.
0:08:41 > 0:08:49That is, let down the pressure of the rear tyres. I'll show you how to... Get out of the way!
0:08:54 > 0:09:00Now, you just depress the needle of the valve and let air out. LOUD HISS
0:09:00 > 0:09:08Oi, oi! What are you doing to my van? Seems to have got stuck. Give it a kick.
0:09:08 > 0:09:14Harder than that. The plunger's stuck. Just a minute, just a...
0:09:14 > 0:09:19Oi! Stop it! Stop doing that! Stop it!
0:09:26 > 0:09:33First signposter, stand by! He's standing by, sir. Tick him off the list, Wilson. Right, sir.
0:09:33 > 0:09:39This is a responsibility and an honour. One wrong sign, and it could be wrecked.
0:09:39 > 0:09:47There's the turning, sir.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51First signposter out!
0:09:51 > 0:09:52HITS VAN
0:09:52 > 0:09:59You're spoiling my van again, Mr Mainwaring. Don't be absurd, Jones, I've got to give the signal.
0:09:59 > 0:10:05Can't you make a noise that doesn't spoil my van? Toot your 'ooter!
0:10:05 > 0:10:11Good suggestion, Pike. We'll toot the hooter when we want you to disembark.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16He's goin' to toot the hooter when he wants you to get oot!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19I have good ideas sometimes!
0:10:19 > 0:10:25Captain Mainwaring, the first man has alighted safely. Right, drive on.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33VAN SLOWS DOWN AND HALTS
0:10:33 > 0:10:41Right, Jones, signal the last man out. Tick him off the list, Wilson. Right, sir.
0:10:41 > 0:10:46Hey! My tooter won't toot! Give it a good push, man.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49HORN BLARES Oh! Oh!
0:10:49 > 0:10:56HORN SLOWLY RUNS DOWN AND DIES
0:10:58 > 0:11:04You've broken my tooter now! I shan't have anything left if you carry on like this.
0:11:04 > 0:11:11Never mind, Jones, you're helping the war effort. The last signposter has just descended.
0:11:11 > 0:11:16Right. Turn the van, Jones, drive back to the crossroads,
0:11:16 > 0:11:22and when the convoy's gone through we can pick up everybody.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Get out of the way! Go on, get out of the way!
0:11:46 > 0:11:53It's been left alone and uncared for. We'll get out and investigate.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00GENTLE HISSING OF STEAM
0:12:01 > 0:12:06Well, there seems to be no-one with it. I can see that!
0:12:06 > 0:12:11P'raps the driver's gone into the field to have a... Pike!
0:12:11 > 0:12:16Does it no' put you in mind of the Marie Celeste?
0:12:16 > 0:12:21She was found abandoned, food on the tables, wine in glasses,
0:12:21 > 0:12:28not a human soul, dead or alive, only the creaking of the rigging and the eerie cry of birds -
0:12:28 > 0:12:31cee-aaaw-w, cee-aaaw-w-w...
0:12:31 > 0:12:37Does it no' strike you, Captain Mainwaring? No, not really.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45Captain Mainwaring, there's a note. It says, "Gone to get coal."
0:12:45 > 0:12:51We can't hang about. He might have gone for miles. We'll drive round. Back on the van!
0:12:51 > 0:12:58Rather a lot of rain lately. Sure we won't bog down? Nonsense! Ground's as firm as a rock.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Everybody on the van!
0:13:05 > 0:13:13Excuse me, sir, wouldn't it be better if some of us stayed off the van, to lighten the load?
0:13:13 > 0:13:17You're not very scientific, are you, Wilson?
0:13:17 > 0:13:25Everybody knows that extra weight gives more traction to the driving wheels. Oh. Use your common sense.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Drive on, Jones.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49THE ENGINE IS LABOURING
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Mr Mainwaring, we're stuck.
0:13:56 > 0:14:01Pushing positions! Shouldn't some stay on to give more traction?
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Don't be flippant! The men are in pushing positions.
0:14:05 > 0:14:11Right. Captain Mainwaring, sir, could I push with only one hand?
0:14:11 > 0:14:16Touch of rheumatism in the shoulder. I had to sit in a draught...
0:14:16 > 0:14:23If you're not fit for front-line duty, you shouldn't come. I didn't want to disappoint you.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Well done, Godfrey (!)
0:14:26 > 0:14:34Stand by to push. Take it away, Jones. Right, sir. Vroom, vroom, VROOM ! Num-num-num-num...
0:14:34 > 0:14:39..num-num-num-num... Jones, Jones! JONES !
0:14:39 > 0:14:42..num-num-num... VROOM ! JONES !
0:14:42 > 0:14:48This isn't an exercise, it's the real thing. Let the clutch in. Sorry, sir!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Push!
0:15:02 > 0:15:06Stop, stop! Will you stop it ?!
0:15:08 > 0:15:14Look what you've done! What are you playing at, Pike? Your uniform!
0:15:16 > 0:15:22Should we no' be using the sawdust? Yes, of course. Shove it under the wheel. Right.
0:15:26 > 0:15:34Now, all push when I give the word. Jones, let the clutch in when I signal. Excuse me, sir.
0:15:34 > 0:15:43Pike should stand back this time. Certainly not. If you mollycoddle that boy, he'll end up a nancy.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Get in your place, Pike.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Right. Stand by...
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Push!
0:15:55 > 0:15:59REVVING ENGINE
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Nearly got it that time.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I got it all right (!)
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Stuck in the mud, are we (?)
0:16:22 > 0:16:28Ignore him, Wilson. I don't want you to lose your temper with him.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34Dear, oh, dear! Playing at mud pies, are you? Wait till Mummy sees you!
0:16:34 > 0:16:42Go on, son, gie us a push! Help the war effort. You want to lift AND push.
0:16:42 > 0:16:49You come and lift 'ere with me, Mr Hodges. That mud will fly all over me.
0:16:49 > 0:16:55Jonesie, try to reverse, and we'll go out the way we came in. Good idea!
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Why didn't I think of that?
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Right. One, two, three...LIFT !
0:17:14 > 0:17:23Stop! It's no good. I'll say not! Look what you've done to me, you hooligans! Get the planks out.
0:17:23 > 0:17:29We left the planks in the hall. In the church hall ?! Put somebody on a charge.
0:17:29 > 0:17:36We could take the doors off the van and use those. Good idea! Give me a screwdriver.
0:17:36 > 0:17:41You can't have my doors. Why not? Won't do them any harm.
0:17:41 > 0:17:48I must stand up and boldly defy you, sir, or even threaten you with blackmail. What ?!
0:17:48 > 0:17:53I'll put you on my sausage blacklist. Steady on!
0:17:53 > 0:17:59I have a blacklist of people I will not supply sausages to. I'll put you on it.
0:17:59 > 0:18:05Sorry, Mr Mainwaring, but you've driven me to it. Captain Mainwaring,
0:18:05 > 0:18:11why not ask yon warden to give us a wee bit tow? Good idea! Sir...
0:18:11 > 0:18:16I think you should be very diplomatic with him. Oh, I will.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21Hey, you, Hodges! Come here! That should have done it (!)
0:18:21 > 0:18:26Be good enough to give us a tow. A tow?! What have YOU done for ME?
0:18:26 > 0:18:34There's a military convoy due, and we have to see it gets through. That's YOUR hard bum, mate!
0:18:34 > 0:18:41In the name of the King, I requisition your vegetable van. Oh, no, you don't!
0:18:41 > 0:18:45And if you don't like it, you know what you can do.
0:18:45 > 0:18:50Why don't you shoot him, Mr Mainwaring? Be quiet!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Go on, shoot him! I said, be quiet!
0:18:53 > 0:18:58Look, he's driving round like we... You'll get stuck the same as we did!
0:18:58 > 0:19:03No, I won't, you dopey-looking thing!
0:19:03 > 0:19:09Who are YOU calling dopey? I won't get stuck. I've got it up 'ere.
0:19:09 > 0:19:16I'll back round so the driving wheels will be leading. That's where you want it, sonny!
0:19:16 > 0:19:21YOU could shoot him, Uncle Arthur. Go away, Frank.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Use your loaf!
0:19:26 > 0:19:31Don't just stand there! Give us a push!
0:19:31 > 0:19:36Do we help him, sir? No. Just come away.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Hey! Ask them to give us a hand!
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Are you stuck, Mr Mainwaring?
0:19:52 > 0:19:58Well, only slightly, but we'd be glad of an extra push.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Come on, boys and girls, they need a push.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06EXCITED CHATTER
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Soon be out now.
0:20:15 > 0:20:21I don't think they'll be much help. This won't do at all. We'll manage, thank you.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Go back on again. Back on the bus!
0:20:25 > 0:20:28GRUMBLING
0:20:29 > 0:20:36I'll come and tie the rope on, then I'll reverse and pull you out. The ground's all right here.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Come on, boys and girls! Everybody off!
0:20:43 > 0:20:50I'm terribly sorry about this, Mr Bluett. It's a strange way to spend your annual party.
0:20:50 > 0:20:56Better than sitting in a draughty church hall, listening to those boring songs!
0:20:56 > 0:20:59I thought you liked my songs.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Right, here we go!
0:21:06 > 0:21:15Won't he get stuck? I'm fed up with your pessimism, Wilson. The driver knows what he's doing.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20Right. Mr Mainwaring, I think you ought to know - the bus is stuck.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24What ?!
0:21:24 > 0:21:32Captain Mainwaring, I suppose you realise the convoy will come down that road 15 minutes from now.
0:21:32 > 0:21:40You're right, Fraser. Lorries piled up for a mile or more, sheer chaos! And you're responsible.
0:21:40 > 0:21:45You'll be a laughing-stock, man! I just thought you ought to know.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49We could divert them at the crossroads. I volunteer!
0:21:49 > 0:21:54It would take you an hour, even if you ran. He can't!
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Look! You could get a lift.
0:22:02 > 0:22:08Look! Captain Mainwaring and a lot of people. Oh, no! Hide!
0:22:08 > 0:22:13I can't hide in this. Pretend we haven't seen them.
0:22:14 > 0:22:20That's my bike. How dare you?! But it's the vicar's petrol.
0:22:20 > 0:22:27What are you doing, gallivanting with him? I've done nothing to be ashamed of.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30We're going to pick bluebells.
0:22:30 > 0:22:36That's my husband! You said you'd be all day repairing the organ.
0:22:36 > 0:22:43What about you? YOU said you were at the WVS. I take responsibility.
0:22:43 > 0:22:49Norman! I don't care, Beryl. Let the world know.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Five years in heaven. Face the music.
0:22:54 > 0:23:00If something HAS been going on, I must reconsider your position in the church.
0:23:00 > 0:23:06Ooh, the scandal ! Pointing fingers! Wagging tongues!
0:23:06 > 0:23:12There AREN'T no bluebells just now. Sort this out some other time. In the name of the King,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I requisition this motorbike.
0:23:15 > 0:23:22Oh, no, you don't! I'll get a tractor to tow me out. Give me a lift to the crossroads.
0:23:22 > 0:23:28Start bumping! What? Bump up and down to get us through the mud.
0:23:28 > 0:23:34Pike, get in and start bumping. Mainwaring shouldn't do that.
0:23:34 > 0:23:39We should be sitting round the fire, reading.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Go on!
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Bump up and down! Pike!
0:23:47 > 0:23:50I AM bumping!
0:23:50 > 0:23:55Keep bumping! I AM bumping. Bump more!
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Come on, Sgt Wilson, we can manhandle it.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11Ready, boys...right! One, two, three...
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Heave!
0:24:13 > 0:24:17LOUD GRUNTING
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Captain Mainwaring!
0:24:24 > 0:24:27You've left a bit behind.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Ruddy 'ooligans! You've ruined my bike!
0:24:31 > 0:24:39You're very heavy-handed with vehicles. You should cherish them, and they'd respond.
0:24:39 > 0:24:47Why don't we get the steam-engine to pull us out? We have no coal. Hodge's van is full of logs.
0:24:47 > 0:24:53I wondered how long it'd take you to think of that. Get the wood!
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Oh, no, you're not having my wood, and that's final.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02You really ought to shoot him. Quiet, Frank!
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Get the wood onto the fire.
0:25:05 > 0:25:10Fraser, can you drive the roller? Aye. On you go. Pike, disconnect the trailer.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20HORN TOOTS
0:25:27 > 0:25:31ORGAN PLAYS THE CAN-CAN
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Pike, stop that music!
0:25:34 > 0:25:41MUSIC PLAYS ON It won't stop, Mr Mainwaring. I said, stop the music! But...
0:25:41 > 0:25:44'Scuse me...
0:25:48 > 0:25:51MUSIC STOPS
0:25:51 > 0:25:54I stopped the music! Good.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Stupid boy!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00HORN TOOTS
0:26:00 > 0:26:07Captain Mainwaring. Yes? My sister's auntie has a cottage at the crossroads.
0:26:07 > 0:26:15We could telephone her from that telephone box and she could divert the convoy. She's very determined!
0:26:15 > 0:26:20That's probably our best chance. Our ONLY chance. Make the call.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Get that steamroller moving!
0:26:26 > 0:26:31Round a bit...bit more...
0:26:32 > 0:26:34That's enough!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37ENO-O-OUGH !
0:26:52 > 0:26:56Hello?
0:26:56 > 0:27:01I think the line's out of order, Mr Mainwaring.
0:27:01 > 0:27:08Mr Mainwaring, the wire's down. You've done it now! The convoy will come up that road...
0:27:08 > 0:27:15My men will have this lot joined up in no time. Where there's a will, there's a way. Back off, Fraser.
0:27:15 > 0:27:20Bit more!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Bit more!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Bit more...contact!
0:27:29 > 0:27:37All right, Captain Mainwaring! Put the twopence in, Wilson. Over to you, Godfrey.
0:27:37 > 0:27:42Good morning, operator. Walmington-on-Sea 302, please.
0:28:22 > 0:28:27Subtitles by Elizabeth Ogilvie BBC Scotland 1991
0:28:51 > 0:28:54A CHOIR HUMS: Adagio For Strings by Samuel Barber
0:28:56 > 0:28:58BRAYING AND BOOING