0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:11 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:59 > 0:01:02I ain't half hungry, Mr Jones!
0:01:02 > 0:01:08You're always hungry! I'll finish this off and we'll report back.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- They're nice pears, aren't they?- Mm.
0:01:12 > 0:01:17Do you think we'll ever have bananas again?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Of course, when the war's over.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Mm.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23I used to love bananas and cream.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27I used to mash 'em all up lots of cream and sugar.
0:01:27 > 0:01:32I'd squeeze a mouthful through the gaps in my teeth.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39Do you like squeezing bananas through your teeth?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43No. I don't mind blancmange.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Jelly?
0:01:45 > 0:01:51Jelly's all right. But not bananas, not with this upper set. It's too risky!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54And chocolate cream?
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Lovely!
0:01:55 > 0:01:59And talking of that, I'll tell you something
0:01:59 > 0:02:02reminds me of when I was in the Boer War.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Christmas 1900 it was.
0:02:05 > 0:02:11Queen Victoria sent all of us lads a tin box with a slab of chocolate in it.
0:02:11 > 0:02:18I never touched that chocolate for 25 years. I kept it unopened for 25 years!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Right through the Boer and the First World wars.
0:02:21 > 0:02:27When I went into hospital, I gave it to Charlie Higgins to look after.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- You never ate it? - I never touched it for 25 years!
0:02:31 > 0:02:36Then one day I said to myself, "I fancy a bit of chocolate!"
0:02:36 > 0:02:39I opened the tin. It was full of sand!
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Charlie Higgins had eaten it while I was in hospital!
0:02:43 > 0:02:48- But I got my revenge on him! - What did you do?
0:02:48 > 0:02:53Every year, when we had the Old Comrades Association reunion,
0:02:53 > 0:02:57I used to look Charlie Higgins full in the face and sing...
0:02:57 > 0:03:03- #- ..Comrades, comrades, ever since we were boys
0:03:03 > 0:03:08- #- Sharing each other's sorrow, sharing each other's...
0:03:08 > 0:03:09- #- ..CHOCOLATE!!- #
0:03:11 > 0:03:15He used to go all red and look on the ground!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Wasn't a great rhyme, but it did the trick!
0:03:18 > 0:03:26Talking about chocolate...when I was a kid, I was passing this spot with my mum and I asked for chocolate.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30She said no, so do you know what I did?
0:03:30 > 0:03:36I put me head through those gate bars and pretended I couldn't get it out!
0:03:36 > 0:03:41- What did your mum do?- She said she was going to call the fire brigade!
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I took me head out and laughed!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Then she hit me!
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Kids are always getting stuck in railings!
0:03:50 > 0:03:54All I did was ask for chocolate, she said no,
0:03:54 > 0:03:59so I went over to the gate and stuck me head through, that's all!
0:03:59 > 0:04:02It's time to get back, come on!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Mr Jones!
0:04:12 > 0:04:14What's up?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I'm stuck!
0:04:16 > 0:04:22There's no time to play funny jokes! They'll be wondering where we are.
0:04:22 > 0:04:27I'm not playing a funny joke! I can't get it out! Look, I can't get it out!
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Blimey!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Ooh! Don't do that! Don't, please!
0:04:35 > 0:04:39I can't understand it, it came out all right last time!
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- How old were you last time? - Twelve.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Your head's grown since then.
0:04:45 > 0:04:52I didn't think heads grew! DON'T you're pulling my ears off! What are we going to do?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Twist it round and try.
0:04:55 > 0:05:00- I can't!- Go on, twist it!- Watch the spike!- Pull now! Pull, pull!
0:05:00 > 0:05:05- Not that way!- Don't move the gate then! What are we going to do?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Don't panic! Don't panic!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Don't panic, I'll...
0:05:10 > 0:05:12..I'll, er...
0:05:12 > 0:05:17..I'll telephone that Mr Mainwaring on the telephone and, and...
0:05:17 > 0:05:20..whatever you do, don't go away.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Don't move and don't panic!
0:05:23 > 0:05:28- I think you're making a big mistake, sir!- Oh, you do?!
0:05:28 > 0:05:32You're asking for trouble. Why did you agree to it?
0:05:32 > 0:05:40I didn't want to offend. When that editor said he wanted to do a piece on us, I jumped at the chance.
0:05:40 > 0:05:47If the reporter is a temporary member of the platoon, he'll be with us all the time!
0:05:47 > 0:05:54That's my idea! If he's one of us, he can write the articles from first-hand knowledge.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- Isn't that dangerous? - How do you mean?
0:05:57 > 0:06:04If he's here all the time, how are you going to be able to cover up your, er...mistakes?!
0:06:07 > 0:06:11I'll pretend I didn't hear that remark!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- KNOCK ON DOOR - Come.
0:06:13 > 0:06:21- I've brought you some cocoas. They're hot.- Thank you so much. - Thank you, Frazer. Thank you.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Your reporter fella's outside.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Send him in.
0:06:26 > 0:06:31Captain Mainwaring, I may have said some harsh things in the past,
0:06:31 > 0:06:36but I'd like to say, here and now, I admire your courage!
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I don't quite understand, Frazer.
0:06:39 > 0:06:45You're a very brave man to let that reporter fella watch your every move!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- You're either very brave, or else... - Or what?!
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Nothing, sir. Nothing at all!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I admire you.
0:06:53 > 0:07:00All the same, I cannae help thinking you're running a terrible risk, that's all!
0:07:00 > 0:07:03What do you think he meant by that?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I've no idea.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- KNOCK ON DOOR - Come in.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Mr Cheeseman, of the Eastbourne Gazette.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14STRONG WELSH ACCENT: Good day!
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Hello. All ready to start work?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Yes, indeed!
0:07:19 > 0:07:27Good! You will be a temporary trainee recruit. Have you measured him for his uniform, Godfrey?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30No, we've only one spare suit!
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Oh!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Well, measure him for that!
0:07:33 > 0:07:40I thought I'd call the first article, "Captain Mainwaring, Man Of Action!"
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Excellent title!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Yes, it is, sir!
0:07:45 > 0:07:48It'll look awfully good in print!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50"Man Of Action?"
0:07:50 > 0:07:55No, there's no question mark after the title, Frazer.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56A photograph!
0:07:56 > 0:08:02Good idea! Would you like me sitting down, or standing up in a fashionable manner?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05YOU'RE not in this!
0:08:05 > 0:08:09- Right, sir.- Officers only!- Right. - Should I be working at my desk?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11That's good!
0:08:11 > 0:08:16Should I wear the gloves or not, do you think?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Won't it look strange, writing with gloves on?!
0:08:21 > 0:08:26This pen's no good, anyway! Lend me your gold pen.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31You know that I never ever lend my pen to anyone it hurts the nib!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Not to use! I only want to hold it.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Just keep the top on!
0:08:37 > 0:08:43How can I have a photograph taken, writing with a pen with the top on?!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46I think, perhaps, I should be on the telephone.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Yes! Get on the phone, that's good!
0:08:49 > 0:08:54Is there no limit to his conceit? I think he looks noble!
0:08:54 > 0:08:56How's that?
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Oh, yes! Very Churchillian! Yes, indeed!
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Hello!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Permission to speak, sir?
0:09:04 > 0:09:10Jones? Get off the telephone. I'm having my photograph taken!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Is there something wrong?
0:09:12 > 0:09:19No! It's just a patrol phoning in. The whole thing works like a smooth, well-oiled machine!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Ooh!
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Jones, give me your report.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Pike's got his head caught in the park gates.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32I see.
0:09:32 > 0:09:37Did you hear me, sir? Pike's got his head caught in the park gates.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Good, good! Excellent!
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Good...?! What's good about it?
0:09:42 > 0:09:46I don't understand! What shall I do, Mr Mainwaring?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Can't you remove the obstacle?
0:09:49 > 0:09:55Well, I've tried pulling, sir, but it's his ears they're in the way!
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Anything wrong?
0:09:57 > 0:10:03No, nothing wrong at all. One of my patrols got hung up, that's all.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Something is exposed which shouldn't be exposed.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Well, well!
0:10:09 > 0:10:16It shouldn't be exposed, cover it up. Camouflage! I'll be along as soon as I can.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18What is it that's exposed?
0:10:18 > 0:10:25Don't ask questions like that in front of a civilian! I'm going to investigate.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- I'll come too! - No civilians I'm afraid.
0:10:28 > 0:10:35You see, the thing which is exposed which shouldn't be exposed is highly secret.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38I'm a member of the platoon now.
0:10:38 > 0:10:44- You're not a member until I've sworn you in.- Swear me in now then!
0:10:44 > 0:10:50- No time for that! Stay here, I'll swear you in later.- Righto, boy!
0:10:51 > 0:10:55What are you covering me up for, Mr Jones?
0:10:55 > 0:11:02It's got nothing to do with me! Mainwaring said you've got to be camouflaged! Hang on to that!
0:11:03 > 0:11:10- Oi, eh!- What?- Couldn't you find a bush with no prickles on it?! - I'll go and find some.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Where is he?
0:11:12 > 0:11:16I'm here...! I'm sorry!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Stupid boy!
0:11:18 > 0:11:25- Why didn't you say that Frank had got stuck? - In front of that reporter?!
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Why the camouflage?
0:11:27 > 0:11:32- AIR RAID WARNING - Because we'd have been a laughing stock!
0:11:33 > 0:11:36GODFREY: There they are again!
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Right, get your tin helmets on, men!
0:11:39 > 0:11:43- What about me? - We must take shelter.- What about me?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Be quiet, Pike! Put your helmet on.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51I could run back to the workshop and bring my hacksaw.
0:11:51 > 0:11:56That'll waste time. It'll take hours. Why not get the fire brigade?
0:11:56 > 0:12:01They've more important things to do. Anyway, I don't want people to know!
0:12:01 > 0:12:04I told you to put your helmet on!
0:12:04 > 0:12:10- It won't go through.- Put it sideways! - How can I see which is sideways?!
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Don't you use that tone of voice to me, Pike!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Jones, help him with his helmet.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Yes, sir.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24If we smeared Vaseline on his head, he might slip through.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29That's a very good idea! Wilson, Frazer...grease Pike's head.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33What are you fiddling about like that for?
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- Whenever I put his helmet on, it falls off!- Give it to me!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Hey, that's cold!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42All right! It's only Vaseline!
0:12:42 > 0:12:47Don't just dab at it, like some Nancy-boy! Smear it in!
0:12:47 > 0:12:49I am!
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- I'm going to tell my mum about this! - Be quiet!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Don't be soft!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56No! Eugh!
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Grab his legs and bring your full weight to bear.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03No, not your full weight!
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- Get what parts as you can. - Right, sir.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Ready...
0:13:08 > 0:13:10..PULL!
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Me ears!!
0:13:12 > 0:13:14It's no good.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Don't give up! Try again...PULL!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Ooh, no, no!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- PULL!- NO!!
0:13:21 > 0:13:24LOUD EXPLOSION
0:13:26 > 0:13:29That was too heavy for a bomb.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Sounded like a land mine.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35I thought it was Pike's head exploding!
0:13:35 > 0:13:40FRAZER: We'll have to get this boy under cover, sir!
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Yes, I'm well aware of that, Frazer!
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Gather round me "O" group, here.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52We've got to get this boy out of the railings. Any suggestions?
0:13:52 > 0:13:59- Permission to speak, sir?- Yes. - Desperate times need desperate measures.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04- The only thing stopping us getting Pike's head out is his ears.- Yes.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07So I suggest we remove them.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10What do you mean?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Cut 'em off!
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Jones, for heaven's sake!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18We only need to cut one off.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Don't talk rubbish! Pike can't go about without any ears!
0:14:22 > 0:14:25It's better than not having a head!
0:14:25 > 0:14:31Eh! Eh! You're talking about me, aren't you? What are you saying?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Mind your own business!
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Eavesdropper!
0:14:35 > 0:14:43If we lifted the gate off the hinges, we might be able to march with it back to the church hall.
0:14:45 > 0:14:52Well done, Wilson! I was waiting to see who would spot that one first. Come on!
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Wh-what are you doing? What are you doing?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Eh!
0:15:00 > 0:15:02My head!
0:15:02 > 0:15:09- When we lift, don't go up with it. Slide your head down the rails. - You should have said!- Lift!
0:15:09 > 0:15:12It's coming, sir, it's coming!
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- That's got it! Right...- Be careful!
0:15:15 > 0:15:22Let's get back to the church hall as quick as we can and hope to goodness nobody sees us!
0:15:22 > 0:15:25By the left, quick march!
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Left, right! Left, right! Left, right!
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Right wheel!
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Right wheel!
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Left, right! Left, right! Keep in step, Pike!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42INAUDIBLE
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Left, right! Left, right!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Left, right! Left, left!
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Left, right! Left!
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Down on your right.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59- Do not juggle the private! - Don't juggle me!
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Stand easy. Right. Put it down gently there.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06God!
0:16:06 > 0:16:11- My arms have been dragged out of their sockets!- What about my head?!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Stop grumbling!- Yes, stop grumbling!
0:16:14 > 0:16:18We cannae stand here like this all night!
0:16:18 > 0:16:24- Permission to speak?- Mm.- Let's get two ropes and tie it to the beam.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Good idea. Sponge, go and get two lengths of rope.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Yes, sir.
0:16:30 > 0:16:36They did that in the Sudan hang prisoners up with nothing to drink!
0:16:36 > 0:16:40- I don't want that! - You'll do as you're told!
0:16:40 > 0:16:44I could bring him water from time to time.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Godfrey, don't put YOUR head through!
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Heavens, what on earth's going on in the office?!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Yes, indeed! Yes, indeed!
0:16:56 > 0:17:00Oh, thank goodness you're here, Captain Mainwaring!
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- Who's this?- Private Pike.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05How are you?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Nice to meet you!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Yes, indeed!
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Why is his head stuck in the gate?
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- It's highly secret! - Well, you can tell ME!
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- I can't. I haven't sworn you in! - Do it now, then!
0:17:19 > 0:17:24There's no time for that now! What's going on in there?
0:17:24 > 0:17:30- The chief warden is holding a meeting...- How dare he?! Wilson! We'll soon sort this out!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33EXCITED TALK
0:17:33 > 0:17:39- Where have you been?- How dare you hold a meeting in my office?!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41It's MY office!
0:17:41 > 0:17:46- - And MINE!- And MINE, and I'M holding an emergency meeting!- What emergency?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49You mean you haven't heard?!
0:17:49 > 0:17:52< Do you know these gentlemen?
0:17:52 > 0:18:00- Nice to see you! It was fun last night, wasn't it? Connie wears well, doesn't she?!- Never mind Connie!
0:18:00 > 0:18:05- What's happening here?- A land mine has landed on the railway line!
0:18:05 > 0:18:08 It's destroyed 100 yards of track!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Gas and water supplies have been cut off!
0:18:11 > 0:18:15If they drop fire bombs, that's it!
0:18:15 > 0:18:19- I'm getting on to GHQ. - The telephone lines are down too!
0:18:19 > 0:18:27I've just heard no gas, no water, no telephones. The town's cut off! We're marooned, marooned!
0:18:27 > 0:18:32- What are we going to do?- All right, Mr Town Clerk, don't panic!
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Somebody must do something!
0:18:34 > 0:18:36THEY ARGUE
0:18:40 > 0:18:44- Something's got to be done! - It certainly has!
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- I shall have to take charge. - I agree.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52- That's the sort of remark... what?!- I quite agree.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Without you in charge, God knows what will happen!
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- Thank you, Wilson!- Not at all.
0:18:59 > 0:19:06Get Frazer, Jones and Godfrey in here, at the double. Rifles and bayonets.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Frazer, Jones, Godfrey, at the double! Rifles and bayonets.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13There we are, sir. How was that?
0:19:13 > 0:19:18- I could hardly believe my ears! Is this really you?!- Yes, sir!
0:19:18 > 0:19:23When the occasion demands, I can bawl and shout...just like you!
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Now, Vicar... Vicar, I'm very sorry to do this...
0:19:27 > 0:19:32- Jones.- Sir.- Frazer.- Yes. - Clear my desk!- Clear the desk!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35How dare you threaten the vicar with a bayonet?!
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I'm threatening YOU too! Clear off!
0:19:38 > 0:19:44I think we'd better humour him! Captain Mainwaring has gone mad!
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Form a tight group behind me.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51In a tight group, behind the Captain, at the double!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Are you all right, sir?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Not as tight as that!
0:19:58 > 0:20:00THEY CHATTER
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Get their attention!
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Come along, you hanged Sassenachs! Come along!
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- All right! - All right, Frazer, that's enough!
0:20:10 > 0:20:15Captain Mainwaring would like to make an announcement.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19As from now, this town is under martial law.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21ALL: Martial law?! Meaning?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23I'm in charge!
0:20:23 > 0:20:29 He's been leading up to this for years and now he's finally done it!
0:20:29 > 0:20:32You won't get away with it, Napoleon!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Inspector, arrest that man!
0:20:34 > 0:20:39Captain Mainwaring, you really can't do this, you know!
0:20:39 > 0:20:46If anyone should take charge, the police should! Anyway, where's your authority?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50There's my symbol of authority!
0:20:50 > 0:20:54And I have 15 fully-armed men behind me! What have you got?
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Well, there's me and my sergeant, two constables...
0:20:58 > 0:21:02Dick and George! Dick and George!
0:21:02 > 0:21:10Captain Mainwaring man of action, I'm right behind you, boy! The power of the pest, remember!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Thank you, Mr Cheeseman!
0:21:12 > 0:21:19- Sergeant Wilson, bring some paper and pencils.- Right. - The rest of you, follow me!
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Pay attention, everybody!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25This town is now under martial law.
0:21:25 > 0:21:30Stop him, we can't let him take over the town! The man's a tyrant!
0:21:30 > 0:21:33< Look how he punishes his men!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35No, I'm not being punished!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Be quiet, Pike!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Now...Wilson, Jones, Frazer!
0:21:40 > 0:21:45You will take these orders, then you will get on your bicycles
0:21:45 > 0:21:49and shout these messages all round the town!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Wilson, start getting it down.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- This town is under martial law. - "This town..."
0:21:55 > 0:21:59- All looters will be shot on sight! - "All looters..."
0:21:59 > 0:22:08I demand that he is stopped! He's behaving like a dictator in some South American banana republic!
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Does that mean we're going to have bananas again?
0:22:12 > 0:22:18There's been damage to gas and water supplies, so there is a danger of cholera.
0:22:18 > 0:22:23- Drinking water must be boiled. - "Drinking water must be boiled."
0:22:23 > 0:22:30- How can they boil it without gas? - That's their business! - "That's..."- No, no!
0:22:30 > 0:22:34- No baths without a permit. - "No baths without a permit."
0:22:34 > 0:22:38Jones, you're in charge of those permits.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- Captain... - Be quiet, Godfrey!
0:22:40 > 0:22:45- All rumour-mongerers will be imprisoned!- "All..."
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- All defeatists will be imprisoned! - "All..."
0:22:48 > 0:22:54- Anyone not obeying military law... - "Anyone..."- ..will be imprisoned!
0:22:54 > 0:22:56We've only got two cells!
0:22:56 > 0:23:00I'm going to see the mayor about this!
0:23:00 > 0:23:05- No more than five persons at any gathering!- "Five persons at any..."
0:23:05 > 0:23:11But I have ten in my congregation! Nine one's expecting her fifth.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14He'll try and stop that an' all!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Take the warden's name!
0:23:17 > 0:23:22Here's another one no alcohol to be sold without my permission.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Ah, no, no!
0:23:24 > 0:23:27That is undemocratic!
0:23:27 > 0:23:32- Frazer will be in charge of permits. - I'm right behind you, Captain!
0:23:34 > 0:23:39Now...when you have shouted these messages around, report back.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43- My HQ will be in the town hall. - Why the town hall?
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Because he who holds the town hall, holds Walmington-on-Sea!
0:23:47 > 0:23:52Right, come along men! We march on the town hall!
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Left! Left! Left!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Left! Left!
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Mr Godfrey, I don't know how much more I can take
0:24:06 > 0:24:09hanging here with my head in a gate!
0:24:09 > 0:24:13You must be brave, Frank, and hang on as long as you can!
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Somebody had better do something soon!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Ever so soon!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I quite appreciate how you feel!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26You have my most sincere sympathies!
0:24:28 > 0:24:31No baths without a permit!
0:24:31 > 0:24:38- No baths without a permit!- Yes, all right, Jones, you can stop it now. We're here, you see!
0:24:38 > 0:24:41I never knew you had such a loud voice!
0:24:41 > 0:24:46Uncle Arthur! Have you thought how to get me out?
0:24:46 > 0:24:51Frank, will you stop moaning! I promise you, I'm working on it!
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Ooh, er...
0:24:53 > 0:24:55..excuse me.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59What are you doing out at this time, Mr Bluett?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Well, I was going to have a bath,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05and, er, I got one foot in...
0:25:05 > 0:25:10..and I heard this voice telling me I had to have a permit!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I really don't think...
0:25:12 > 0:25:17He must have a permit! It's what I've been shouting about!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20This thing is getting ridiculous!
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Make your mind up because the water's getting cold!
0:25:24 > 0:25:29The trouble is that I haven't got any bath permits at the moment!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Wait a minute, hang on!
0:25:31 > 0:25:36The wife gets in after me. Does she need a permit too?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39No, one permit will be all right.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43I hereby give you permission to take a bath.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Yours sincerely, Jack Jones, Lance Corporal.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- There you are!- Ta!
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Er, who do I give it to?
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Ah!
0:25:56 > 0:26:00I think you'd better give it to me!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03That's all right, then.
0:26:03 > 0:26:09You see, I'm a very law abiding man. I like to obey the rules.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13I wouldn't like to end up being punished like him!
0:26:13 > 0:26:17- Well, goodnight all! - Goodnight, Mr Bluett.- Good night.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20This whole thing's become a complete farce!
0:26:20 > 0:26:25You're back early, sir! I thought you'd taken over the town hall!
0:26:25 > 0:26:30It was closed. It doesn't open until nine in the morning.
0:26:30 > 0:26:37I got a photograph of the captain at the door and the town clerk going like this!
0:26:37 > 0:26:41I'll deal with him first thing in the morning!
0:26:41 > 0:26:46- What about me?- Be quiet! You'll be dealt with in due course.
0:26:46 > 0:26:53Captain, I think you're behaving in an undemocratic and unconstitutional manner,
0:26:53 > 0:26:56and thus usurping the power of the land!
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I think Frazer's absolutely right.
0:26:59 > 0:27:07You can't shout at people and threaten to shoot them! You're behaving like a dictator!
0:27:07 > 0:27:11I'm simply asking people to do as they're told!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Permission to speak, sir?
0:27:13 > 0:27:20You are within your rights to uslurp the power of the land and carry out the coup de tart.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Thank you.
0:27:24 > 0:27:29Someone has to take over in this emergency. And that someone is me.
0:27:29 > 0:27:34As soon as the civil powers are able to cope, I shall relinquish control.
0:27:34 > 0:27:39People must knuckle down! It's for their own good!
0:27:39 > 0:27:43- I'm Captain Swan. - Captain Mainwaring, how do you do?
0:27:43 > 0:27:47I've come to take over control and distribution of services.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Martial law?
0:27:49 > 0:27:53You could call it that. Here's a note about it.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56The usual illegal assembly, looting...
0:27:56 > 0:28:00I've arranged all of this. I'm in command.
0:28:00 > 0:28:05Then all I've got to do is to take over from you. Where's your office?
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Over there!
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Thank you.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14- You don't mind if I borrow your desk? - Now, look here...
0:28:20 > 0:28:23This is monstrous! Monstrous!
0:28:23 > 0:28:29It's unconstitutional, undemocratic, and against everything we're fighting for!
0:28:29 > 0:28:32I intend to see my MP at once!
0:28:32 > 0:28:37I wouldn't worry too much, sir. You'll just have to knuckle down!
0:28:37 > 0:28:40It's for your own good!
0:29:32 > 0:29:36Subtitles by Sarah Burleigh 1993