0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:11 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who will stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:21 > 0:00:27# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Good evening, sir.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Don't sit in my chair when I'm not here, Wilson.
0:01:03 > 0:01:08Sorry, sir. I was just writing out a notice.
0:01:08 > 0:01:15- That's neither here nor there. Don't sit at my desk. - What am I supposed to lean on?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Use your initiative and write on your knee.
0:01:22 > 0:01:27- Did I give you permission to sit? - Sorry, sir.- You ARE a soldier.
0:01:27 > 0:01:32- Of course, yes.- I am an officer, and you're supposed to be an NCO.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34- Of course.- Very well...
0:01:42 > 0:01:44There, you see, sir.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48This was the notice I was writing.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50"Do not lean back in this chair."
0:01:54 > 0:01:58There was a phone message for you. The French General is coming.
0:01:58 > 0:02:05- Who says so?- The Colonel. It's here somewhere. "The visit is confirmed.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10"A Home Guard unit is to provide a guard of honour at the Town Hall."
0:02:10 > 0:02:17I hope they don't pick us. Don't they realise we're frontline troops?
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Anyway, I was never very keen on the French.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27- They're very good soldiers. - Only up to a point.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- They're not much good after lunch. - Oh, really?
0:02:32 > 0:02:37Wine and garlic are very debilitating.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42All they do is chase women. "Come with me to the Casbah."
0:02:42 > 0:02:46They are rather emotional, sir.
0:02:46 > 0:02:52They go in for sloppy kissing. They even kiss at medal ceremonies.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57- If you were picked as guard commander, you'd get one.- A medal?
0:02:57 > 0:03:02- No, a kiss.- I wouldn't stand for any of that sort of thing.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- KNOCK AT DOOR - Come in.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10Captain Mainwaring, there is a lady outside who wishes an audience.
0:03:12 > 0:03:19When I say a lady, I don't mean she's a woman, although of course she is a woman.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24- She rejoices under the name of Lady Maltby.- What does she want?
0:03:24 > 0:03:29She didn't give me any confidence. Lords and Ladies seldom do.
0:03:29 > 0:03:36- When we were in the Sudan, Lord Kitchener never gave any of us any confidence.- Show her in.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43- Fasten your collar up.- Right, sir.
0:03:43 > 0:03:49When her Ladyship enters, leave. She'll want to deal with an officer.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Her Ladyship, the Lady Maltby.
0:03:52 > 0:03:58- This is indeed an honour. I'm Captain Mainwaring. - I've heard of you.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01This is my Sergeant. He's just going.
0:04:01 > 0:04:08- Arthur, how nice to see you. - My dear Angela, you look...
0:04:08 > 0:04:15My goodness me! You look absolutely marvellous. It really is good to see you.
0:04:15 > 0:04:21She's certainly got confidence in Mr Wilson. They've met before.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I seem to know your face.
0:04:24 > 0:04:31I've been purveying meat to your establishment since his Lordship fell out with Sainsbury's.
0:04:31 > 0:04:39Of course! You're Mr Jones. They'll be one book extra this week. My son is home on leave.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44- I've got some nice chops. - Talk it over with the cook.
0:04:44 > 0:04:50- I'm sure we can get our heads together. You rely on me... - Jones, that'll do, thank you.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Sir.
0:05:01 > 0:05:09- Arthur, it is nice to see you again. - Yes, of course it is. So Nigel's coming home.
0:05:09 > 0:05:16- How is he?- He got married. - Did he really? Of course he did. Auntie Lettice told me.
0:05:16 > 0:05:23- And now he's in the Blues. - Is he really? My grandfather was in the Blues.
0:05:23 > 0:05:28- He was in the Khyber Pass... - Lady Maltby hasn't come here to talk to you.
0:05:28 > 0:05:34Forgive us, but it's ages since Arthur and I had a chinwag.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38- Do sit down. - Actually, I came here about my car.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Yes?- I can't get any petrol for it.
0:05:41 > 0:05:48I thought somebody ought to use it towards the war effort. I'll have it back when we've won.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51What sort of car is it?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Oh, just an ordinary sort of Rolls.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Oh!
0:05:56 > 0:06:02- Would the Home Guard or the Wardens put it to best use?- The Home Guard.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07I'm so glad you think that. Mr Hodges is awfully common.
0:06:07 > 0:06:14Of course, I know Mr Jones, and Arthur is such a darling. I'm sure you're very nice, too.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Yes.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19We'd look after it most carefully.
0:06:19 > 0:06:25My men are very reliable. They are all hand-picked.
0:06:25 > 0:06:33Hey! They're all lined up out here waiting, and if you don't come soon, we're all off home.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I thought you'd like to know.
0:06:41 > 0:06:48Rough diamond, that one. Just the chap to have on your side in a scrap.
0:06:48 > 0:06:53- What would you do with a Rolls? - It would be my staff car.
0:06:53 > 0:06:59- But it's also shiny and Rolls-Roycey.- Camouflage it.
0:06:59 > 0:07:05- There you are.- But wouldn't a huge, great, big Rolls-Royce look silly?
0:07:05 > 0:07:10- How do you mean?- I suppose we could sit you on a cushion.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Sorry I'm late.
0:07:17 > 0:07:23- A horse went down the street, so I brought you some for your roses.- Get out!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Take it away!
0:07:26 > 0:07:28I'll leave it in the back.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35BUCKET CRASHES
0:07:37 > 0:07:41A new recruit. We haven't licked him into shape.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47I'll ask Glossip to drive it round on Saturday morning.
0:07:47 > 0:07:54- That's very generous. - You've been a brick, Angie. - Pop round for a drink.- I'd love to.
0:07:54 > 0:08:00- Ask Captain Fanshawe.- Mainwaring. I shall be delighted. Thank you.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05- Ask Captain Mainwaring to let you off.- Delighted.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- See you soon.- Yes.- Goodbye.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11She's awfully sweet, don't you think?
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- I think it's pathetic. - Oh, why? Why?
0:08:17 > 0:08:23- You kowtowing to her just because she's got a title. - I wasn't kowtowing.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28It cuts no ice with me. Tell that to your Auntie Lettice.
0:08:28 > 0:08:34- Where is he? You've done it! - How dare you barge in here?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38You put her off giving me that car.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43We haven't put her off at all. It's just that we know her socially.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50We're providing half the guard of honour for the French General.
0:08:50 > 0:08:56- I hope you're not providing the other half.- If you're going to be there, I shall refuse to parade.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Just watch it and mind your step.
0:08:59 > 0:09:06If I see any light from this hall, or if you leave your bicycle without immobilising it, I'll have you.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- I haven't got a bicycle. - Then you'd better immobilise your crutches!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17He's the most appalling fellow.
0:09:17 > 0:09:23He's no business to be Chief Warden. The man's a greengrocer.
0:09:23 > 0:09:31- So was Lord Maltby.- Really? In a big way, I suppose?- Yes.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35It's not what or who you know. It's how much of it you have.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39We'll have no bolshie talk here.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Go and fall the men in.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Yes, sir. All right, chaps, fall in.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Three nice, tidy, little rows. Come on.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Quick as you can.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Squad, squad...shun.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Stand at ease!
0:10:04 > 0:10:09I'm proud to announce that we have an addition to our battle fleet.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12It's a Rolls-Royce staff car.
0:10:12 > 0:10:19- Can I drive it, Mr Mainwaring? - Certainly not.- Bags I first ride in it.- Be quiet, Pike.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22A Rolls-Royce is very comfortable.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23I went to a wedding once.
0:10:23 > 0:10:30You gave the driver instructions through a speaking-tube. It wasn't my car.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33That'll do.
0:10:33 > 0:10:40They're reliable, too, sir. Lord Kitchener had one in 1914. General French also had one.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45When I say General French, I don't mean he's a French General.
0:10:45 > 0:10:50General French was an English General. Some find that confusing.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55But I wasn't talking about him. I was talking about Kitchener.
0:10:55 > 0:11:03He was getting worried about recruiting. He thought he was going to run out of men.
0:11:03 > 0:11:10He was getting into his Rolls, when he noticed the dashboard was all mingy.
0:11:10 > 0:11:15He turned to his driver and said, "Why is my dashboard so mingy?"
0:11:15 > 0:11:22"Well," said the driver, "it's this foreign mahogany. We need English wood. We need yew."
0:11:22 > 0:11:30"That's it!" said the general. "That's the slogan. 'Your country needs YOU.' "
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Not many people know this story.
0:11:38 > 0:11:44- Thank you, Jones.- He never ran out of men after that, sir.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47All right! Platoon...SHUN!
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- Stand your men at ease. - Stand at ease!
0:11:55 > 0:12:01You've been selected to provide the guard for the French General.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03An honour indeed, sir.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06You see the reward for being smart.
0:12:06 > 0:12:12- Yes, another hour's cleaning. - Take that Welshman's name.
0:12:12 > 0:12:19- You have also been chosen because of the person who has to make the speech.- Of course.
0:12:19 > 0:12:25- It has to be in French.- Oh! Well...I suppose I could practise.
0:12:25 > 0:12:32- Your Sergeant speaks French. He's the obvious choice. - Not that obvious.
0:12:32 > 0:12:37- Do you speak French? - What you might call "un petit peu".
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- Un what?- Petit peu.
0:12:42 > 0:12:48I'm very much against these parades. They use up valuable training time.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52I've been asked by Area to make this as smart as possible.
0:12:52 > 0:13:00- It can hardly be smart with those Wardens.- Quite right. We should provide the whole guard.
0:13:00 > 0:13:07Yes, the presence of the Wardens will make it a bit of a shambles. I'll have a word with the Mayor.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- You can provide the whole guard. - Thank you.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13And Uncle Arthur will make the French speech.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Mon General... Mon General...
0:13:39 > 0:13:44nous autres a Walmington-on-Sea...
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- PHONE RINGS - Nous sommes... Answer that, Frank.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Hello? Home Guard.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55Morning, it's Glossip here. Lady Maltby's chauffeur.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Hello.
0:13:57 > 0:14:05I'm on my way to get the Rolls camouflaged for Captain Mainwaring and I've run out of petrol.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Where are you?
0:14:07 > 0:14:08At the Town Hall.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13You stay there, and we'll come and push.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14All right, then.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Bye-bye.
0:14:16 > 0:14:22Captain Mainwaring's Rolls-Royce is stuck. We've got to push it.
0:14:22 > 0:14:29- You can't push a great big thing like that.- You can. Mum's always saying you're muscular.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34- It's enormous.- If I get petrol, could I drive it?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37The chauffeur wouldn't let you.
0:14:37 > 0:14:43- You could make him. Commandeer it.- Don't be silly. Tell him we can't do anything.
0:14:43 > 0:14:51- I haven't got the number. Come on. - What about Captain Mainwaring? - I've left him a note. Come on.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55For heaven's sake. Why all the hurry?
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Frank, come back here for a moment.
0:15:02 > 0:15:09- Uncle Arthur, it's Mr Hodges' bike. There'll be petrol in that. - Frank, that would be stealing.
0:15:09 > 0:15:14You could commandeer it. It's only Mr Hodges'.
0:15:14 > 0:15:21- There's a tin here. - How will you get it from there into that?- You are silly!
0:15:21 > 0:15:26- What do you mean? - We pour it in, don't we?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Wilson!
0:15:41 > 0:15:47- He's not here, sir. - I saw him go off with Pike.
0:15:47 > 0:15:53They've left a note. "Rolls broken down by Town Hall. Gone to help."
0:15:53 > 0:16:00I don't see what help he can give them. It should be at the paint shop.
0:16:00 > 0:16:05- Jones, take your van and a length of rope and tow them there.- Right.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10- Come on, Jock.- I'll come too. There might be a story.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15- "Traffic delays vital supplies." - Have you no regard for the truth?
0:16:15 > 0:16:21Don't insult the Press. Jones's deliveries are vital supplies.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28That's the last drop. Can I drive it?
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Don't be silly, Frank.
0:16:31 > 0:16:38- Can I ride in the back? - Yes, I'm sure Glossip will drive us to the paint shop.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I'm glad you've come.
0:17:00 > 0:17:06- What's the matter? - The mace is dirty. And Roger can't clean it cos he's laid up.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- What do you expect me to do? - Sam can clean it.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Sam, look lively!
0:17:11 > 0:17:15This should have been done ages ago.
0:17:23 > 0:17:30Come on, lads, get the rope out. Tie it on the front, and we'll tow it round the paint shop.
0:17:30 > 0:17:36- How much is Mainwaring paying for this camouflage job?- £8.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43I have a spray gun at my workshop. I use it on the hearse.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I'll do it for...£7.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49It's only brown and green paint.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I don't think Mr Mainwaring would like that.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56We're saving money, man! Platoon funds.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58All right, Jock.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Jones the butcher, it's ready to go.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Right, you steer the other one.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23No sign of them yet, sir.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27I can't think what's happened to them.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31I wanted to give them a parade briefing.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Keep looking out, Godfrey.
0:18:34 > 0:18:40I'm getting rather chilled, sir. One loses heat standing around.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Jump up and down a bit.
0:18:46 > 0:18:52- Your hooligans have pinched my petrol.- I don't believe that.
0:18:52 > 0:18:57Oh, yes, they have. They poured it from my bike as if it was a teapot.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00And they left it on its side.
0:19:00 > 0:19:05- Not my men.- What's this, then? "Petrol requisitioned. F Pike."
0:19:06 > 0:19:09The spelling's wrong.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11That proves it, then.
0:19:11 > 0:19:18You're not getting me off that parade. I'm going to appeal to the Home Secretary.
0:19:19 > 0:19:27- We've got it, Mr Mainwaring! - Don't get so excited. - I sat in the back and waved.
0:19:27 > 0:19:34- What are you going to do about this?- I'm going to inspect my new staff car.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Stop pushing!
0:19:49 > 0:19:55- Look at that. - She should have given it to me.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00Isn't it magnificent? Look at that craftsmanship.
0:20:00 > 0:20:07- No French car can match that. - Nor a Yankee one. - It's an awfully good staff car.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I bet there isn't another one like this in the British Isles.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- What's that?- It's twins.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30HORN BEEPS REPEATEDLY
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Look at that. He's got another one.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Typical Mainwaring - one on and one in the wash.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47- Where did you get this car? - Outside the Town Hall.
0:20:47 > 0:20:52- Where did that one come from? - I'm sorry to bother you,
0:20:52 > 0:20:58but the Town Clerk wants you. The Mayor has lost his Rolls-Royce.
0:21:07 > 0:21:14Do you think the Mayor will be cross with Mr Mainwaring for putting paint all over his Rolls-Royce?
0:21:14 > 0:21:22It's like this, Mr Mainwaring, I think it's been stolen. I don't know what to do about it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- Have you informed the police? - No, I haven't.
0:21:26 > 0:21:31- Quite right.- You see, I was the one who left the window open.
0:21:31 > 0:21:36I'm responsible for not immobilising it.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40If you don't immobilise them, you can get three months.
0:21:40 > 0:21:45'I don't want the police to get word of it.'
0:21:47 > 0:21:54I thought, seeing how you have a lot of men, you might send them out to look for it.
0:21:54 > 0:22:01- Yes, I might be able to help. - Thanks. Should I inform anyone else?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04No! Leave this in my hands.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09You'll have to look sharp. We need the car for the French General.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12It'll be there.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16- You idiot, Wilson. - I didn't touch the car.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20- You took Lady Maltby's. - With my petrol.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25If I could get a photo of the Mayor when he sees his Rolls,
0:22:25 > 0:22:29I could have it in every paper in the country.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Jock, can you spray it black again?
0:22:32 > 0:22:38- What time is it?- 12 o'clock. - Three hours... I could try...
0:22:38 > 0:22:43- Good man.- ..for £10. - Park it outside the Town Hall.
0:22:43 > 0:22:48- Nobody will be any the wiser. - They will. I'm going to split.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Sneak! Call me what you like.
0:22:51 > 0:22:56Unless we go on parade, I'm going to tell the Mayor.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01He's got us by the fuzzy-wuzzies.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Yes. Very well, Hodges,
0:23:06 > 0:23:10you can come on the parade.
0:23:10 > 0:23:17General Kitchener used that saying, because them fuzzy-wuzzies have got short, curly hair.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19What he really meant was...
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Yes, yes, all right.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26I'm only trying to make the war a bit more cheerful.
0:23:37 > 0:23:42I'm sorry about this, but I can't get the flashbulbs.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46- Don't be too obtrusive. - Righto, boy.
0:23:49 > 0:23:54- Are you going to say all that? - Quite a lot of it is scratched out.
0:23:54 > 0:24:01- I changed my mind a lot. - Keep it short, or it'll be boring. - I have to talk until the car comes.
0:24:01 > 0:24:08- I'll take one of you and the General, like you said.- Good man. - Righto, boy.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13- Frazer's cutting it fine. - There he is. Look!
0:24:18 > 0:24:21By Jove. What a magnificent job.
0:24:21 > 0:24:28Here! When you bawl and shout instructions of "attention" and "present arms", we won't listen.
0:24:28 > 0:24:35- You'll turn the parade into a shambles.- All right, I'll shout the orders for your lads.
0:24:35 > 0:24:40- No!- Do you want the bugler to play before or during the salute?
0:24:40 > 0:24:45- During, and then we'll sing the "Marseillaise".- Is that clear?
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Just give me the nod, your reverence.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- He's coming. - Places, everybody.
0:24:52 > 0:24:59- Everything all right, Frazer? - One thing...- Tell me later. - It's as well you listen...
0:24:59 > 0:25:02He's coming. Fall in.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Did everything go all right?
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Fine, except I couldn't get any quick-drying paint.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14< Is it tacky? Not tacky...
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Good. Just plain wet.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Atten-SHUN!
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Wardens, SHUN!
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Shut up!
0:25:27 > 0:25:33- I didn't give the nod. - It was his fault. Wait...
0:25:34 > 0:25:39- Number 1 Platoon, B Company... - Not the Wardens!- ..slope ARMS!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Present ARMS!
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Wardens, present PUMPS!
0:25:53 > 0:25:57Now, Mr Yeatman.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06- That's Come To The Cookhouse Door. - He doesn't know The Last Post.
0:26:07 > 0:26:14CHOIR SINGS "LA MARSEILLAISE"
0:26:18 > 0:26:23- Look at him, the man's blubbing. - It's very sad, Mr Mainwaring.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31- Is that all?- There wasn't time to learn the rest.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35They're only little boys, you know.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- Number 1 Platoon, B Company... - Not the Wardens.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45..slope ARMS!
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Wardens...present PUMPS!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Wilson... WILSON...
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Mon cher General, nous autres a Walmington-on-Sea...
0:27:02 > 0:27:06- What's he saying?- The usual rubbish.
0:27:08 > 0:27:15You've got to hand it to him. Mum says he can do anything once he's got the urge.
0:27:16 > 0:27:21..et victorieux dans votre France bien aimee.
0:27:25 > 0:27:30Mes amis, mes chers camarades d'armes,
0:27:30 > 0:27:34je ne puis pas parler. Mon coeur deborde.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Mais merci.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Here! Don't I get a kiss?
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Oui, pardon.