0:00:02 > 0:00:06# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:06 > 0:00:11# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:11 > 0:00:16# We are the boys who will stop your little game,
0:00:16 > 0:00:21# We are the boys who will make you think again,
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:35# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,
0:00:35 > 0:00:40# But he comes home each evening, And he's ready with his gun.
0:00:40 > 0:00:45# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
0:00:45 > 0:00:50# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:54 > 0:00:57There it is. How do you like it?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Much better.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04- Isn't it good?- Bigger letters wouldn't have fitted on the board.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Quite adequate.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10And tall, thin letters wouldn't have been right.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Why?
0:01:12 > 0:01:20I like the letters on the door to be in keeping with the person sitting at the desk inside.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24So I've done little, short, fat letters.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Thank you very much, Mr Bluett (!)
0:01:27 > 0:01:30The men are ready for inspection.
0:01:30 > 0:01:36I'll finish my speech later. I'm guest speaker at the Rotary Dinner.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38How exciting.
0:01:38 > 0:01:45- Are the men in good heart? - As a matter of fact, they seem a bit quiet.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Really? I'll soon put that right!
0:01:47 > 0:01:52Now, I've been reading a book called "Great Leaders of Men".
0:01:52 > 0:01:57- And, you know, there's one thing they all had in common.- Yes?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Before a battle, they'd tell the men a joke.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04We're not having a battle, are we?
0:02:05 > 0:02:10We are in the front line every minute of our lives here.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Squad, attention!
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Stand at ease!
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Sorry, sir, I didn't know you'd started.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Pay attention.
0:02:25 > 0:02:32In view of the long night ahead, I thought I'd cheer you up with a little anecdote.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35When I've finished, you may laugh.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38How nice!
0:02:38 > 0:02:43Don't anticipate it, Godfrey. Take that smile off your face.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Sorry, sir.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Now, it appears that there were three Tommies -
0:02:49 > 0:02:53a Welshman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman...
0:02:53 > 0:03:01Stop, Captain Mainwaring. I hope this is not another of those stupid jokes about kilts!
0:03:01 > 0:03:08As a Scot I am sick and tired of hearing stupid Sassenach jokes that make a mock of us.
0:03:09 > 0:03:14After all, WE don't make jokes about bowler hats!
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Quiet, Frazer. It's nothing to do with kilts!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Where was I?
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Er, a Welshman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman, sir.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27The three Tommies were in the mess.
0:03:27 > 0:03:33The Englishman said to the Scotsman, "Pass the semolina pudding."
0:03:33 > 0:03:35And the Scotsman said, "No."
0:03:35 > 0:03:44Englishman: "Why not?" Scotsman: "The regulations say, 'Never help a soldier to desert.' "
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Dessert, you see... It's... Well, you can laugh!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I thought that'd cheer you up.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05- That's put 'em in a good mood. - Cheered them up no end.
0:04:05 > 0:04:11- When you're handling men, always know when to unbend. - I'll remember that, sir.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Sir, what happened to the Welshman?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Maybe he didn't like semolina. Ha!
0:04:17 > 0:04:19MEN LAUGH
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Permission to speak, sir. When we didn't laugh,
0:04:27 > 0:04:33- it wasn't your joke-telling, sir. - No, you told it quite well, really.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Oh, yes, very good it was, man.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I'll send it to Radio Fun.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43They pay half a crown - five bob for good jokes.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49We're just not in the mood for merry-making now, sir.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Come, come, that's not like an old soldier.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Atkins laughed, when he was chin-deep in mud!
0:04:56 > 0:05:02True. We did a lot of laughing in the mud in the last war.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Except when we got shot!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09But tonight is different, sir.
0:05:09 > 0:05:16There was an incident last night, and we'd like to take you somewhere private and reveal something, sir.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22Surely it'll be soon enough after the parade, won't it?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Quite right, captain.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29He's making a flagpole out of a matchstick.
0:05:29 > 0:05:35And bringing YOU in will make it ten times worse!
0:05:35 > 0:05:39But Capt Mainwaring's the one who'll be court-martialled.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42What's that? Court-martialled?!
0:05:42 > 0:05:48Jones's section - into the office. You'd better come too, Wilson.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Frank! What on earth have you all been doing?
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- Do you promise you won't tell Mum? - Of course not.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Well...
0:05:58 > 0:06:00No, I can't - it's a secret.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Right, come along. Settle down.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Now, what's all this about?
0:06:11 > 0:06:17Well, sir. It was cold on patrol last night, wasn't it, lads?
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Freezing.
0:06:18 > 0:06:25So I took my lads to the Horse and Groom to make sure they got some rum.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I know you'd have done the same.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30You know my views on alcohol, Jones.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35We'd only just got back on patrol, when Mr Cheeseman began shivering.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39When you have the nadgers, you shiver all over!
0:06:42 > 0:06:49I knew you wouldn't want anything to happen to a guest - especially a newspaper reporter -
0:06:49 > 0:06:54so I took him to the King's Head, and he was soon as right as rain.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I only had one in there.
0:06:59 > 0:07:07We came out and as we was passing The Goat, the landlord came out and said he'd heard rumbling below.
0:07:07 > 0:07:14I sent two men down and the rest of us stood by to give them cover.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Whereabouts?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Two in the saloon, the rest of us in the snug.
0:07:21 > 0:07:27Thank you for telling me. Providing it doesn't recur, I'll overlook it.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- Er...the man's not finished. - You mean there's more?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Well, it got a bit embarrassing.
0:07:35 > 0:07:40- In that case you don't want to hear about it, sir.- I DO! Go on.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44It was I, sir. I'm afraid I...became rather embarrassing.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48YOU, Godfrey?!
0:07:48 > 0:07:53I'm afraid so, sir. I started to sing...rather raucously.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56It was a song about a monk.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Well, as long as it was a religious song.
0:08:02 > 0:08:08This one was not religious. It was a monk of high renown.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11I see. Go on.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15I didn't realise monks were like that...
0:08:15 > 0:08:18All right! Just stop it, stop it!
0:08:18 > 0:08:25I knew you wouldn't have approved, so we took him inside to sober up.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Inside the Red Lion, that was.
0:08:28 > 0:08:35But while he was sobering up, we had hardly anything to drink, sir, hardly anything.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39It was later that it got embarrassing.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43- Are you sure you want to hear, sir? - Be quiet, Wilson.
0:08:43 > 0:08:48A man came and said he could hear something happening in a haystack.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52I said jokingly, "Lots of things happen in haystacks!"
0:08:52 > 0:08:57Aye, like Bronwen Jones who used to wash the glasses on Saturdays.
0:08:57 > 0:09:02She was always in a haystack. They called her "Welcome in the Valley"!
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Cheeseman, quiet, for heaven's sake.
0:09:05 > 0:09:12Then I remembered I was a soldier and that it was my duty to go out and investigate.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I'm glad someone had some sense.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19I sobered up quick as a flash - not that I was drunk.
0:09:19 > 0:09:27But the thought of meeting a huge, parachuting German paratrooper, sir, possibly disguised as a nun,
0:09:27 > 0:09:30sent a cold shiver down my spine.
0:09:30 > 0:09:36But we rallied and went out into the murky night with fixed bayonets.
0:09:36 > 0:09:42I wasn't at all scared. Gin and cider and whisky must give you courage...
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Shut up, you fool!
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Near the haystack, something fluttered up.
0:09:49 > 0:09:54I was very alert by now, sir, and my reflections was very good.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57So I raised my rifle and shot it!
0:09:57 > 0:10:01What? You didn't shoot Bronwen Jones?!
0:10:01 > 0:10:04No, a turkey - it's plucked now.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I can hardly believe my ears.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14My platoon on a rampage from pub to pub!
0:10:14 > 0:10:18It's like the stories by that chap on the wireless.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Rob Wilton?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23"The day war broke out, my wife..."
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Pike! Be quiet!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29You should all be on a charge.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34And you're getting too cheeky, boy. I'll speak to your mother about you.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37That's unfair.
0:10:37 > 0:10:43I'm being victimised. Why don't you have a word with Mr Jones's mother?
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Leave her out of this. She's gone to another place.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Sorry, Mr Jones.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Angmering.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57How many people know about this?
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- Not many - she didn't know many... - I don't mean your mother!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04The rampage!
0:11:04 > 0:11:11Nobody knows but us, sir. I say we should eat the turkey and hold our tongues.
0:11:11 > 0:11:18Oh, no. There's only one place that turkey could belong - the North Barrington Turkey Farm.
0:11:18 > 0:11:24You must apologise to Mr Boggis, and you're to pay for that bird.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28TURKEYS GOBBLE
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I say!
0:11:37 > 0:11:41- Is Mr Boggis about? - It's Wednesday!
0:11:41 > 0:11:45- What did he say? - He said, "It's Wednesday."
0:11:45 > 0:11:48(I'll humour him.) Where is your master?
0:11:48 > 0:11:52- I said it's Wednesday! - (The man's obviously a fool.)
0:11:52 > 0:11:56- It's Wednesday.- Not you, too! - Market day.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00- Has he gone to market? - Yes, it's Wednesday.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05(This is getting us nowhere.) Have you lost a turkey?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Hard to say, isn't it?
0:12:08 > 0:12:13My men have accidentally killed one. We think it must be from here.
0:12:13 > 0:12:18We'd like to pay for it. Will you give this money to Mr Boggis,
0:12:18 > 0:12:25- and ask him to accept our apology? - Oh, no. It might not be his turkey.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Nobody else has them. It must be yours.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33Mr Boggis would want to be sure one of ours was missing.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- How many should there be?- 210.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40One, two, three, four... Keep still!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43That's no good, it'll take years.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- We could count 30 each. - Good idea, Pike.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Listen, everybody. Count 30 turkeys each, right?
0:12:51 > 0:12:55THEY ALL COUNT
0:12:55 > 0:12:58HE COUNTS FRANTICALLY
0:12:58 > 0:13:03Five, ten, fifteen, twenty... Oh! It'll no' work at all!
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Wilson, you're part of this platoon, too!
0:13:08 > 0:13:15- How do we know we're not counting the same turkeys? - Took you a long time to spot that!
0:13:17 > 0:13:22Why don't we put a dab of paint on each turkey as we count?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Mr Boggis don't like people painting his turkeys!
0:13:25 > 0:13:31Capt Mainwaring, my sister has lots of hoopla rings from the church fete.
0:13:31 > 0:13:36- We could put one on each turkey as we counted.- Good idea, Godfrey.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- Shall I fetch them?- Yes, run along.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Now, men, you each have 42 rings.
0:13:47 > 0:13:53On the command "Move", you're to place a ring over the turkey's head.
0:13:53 > 0:13:58If there's ring left over, we know there's a turkey missing. Move.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09TURKEYS SQUAWK MADLY
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Give us a ring.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41I...I say! Don't do that!
0:14:42 > 0:14:47Mr Mainwaring, all their heads are down, so we can't put the rings on!
0:14:47 > 0:14:51We'll have to wait until the turkeys finish lunch.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58Well, all the rings were used up, so it didn't come from there.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- The point is what do we do next? - Well, sir...
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Jones shot it, so rightfully it belongs to him.
0:15:05 > 0:15:12No. He was on duty, in one of my uniforms, with one of my rifles, firing one of my bullets.
0:15:12 > 0:15:18- Do you mean YOU'RE bagging it, sir? - No, I don't - not ALL of it.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22- Then, I bags it!- You can't do that - I bagged it first.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25But you didn't use the word "bags".
0:15:25 > 0:15:30Don't start that public school cheating with me!
0:15:30 > 0:15:35- I bags first, that's all. - But I tell you...
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- KNOCK AT DOOR - Come in!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Yes, what is it?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Capt Mainwaring, sir, we've had a heart-to-heart think.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53We're very askanced at what we done and we've come to the conclusion...
0:15:53 > 0:15:58that with our ill-gotten gains we should give the OAPs a dinner.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06Do you hear that, Wilson? Our chaps came up trumps in the end.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Yes! It seems to me a very good idea.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13A capital idea! It'll be a night to remember!
0:16:13 > 0:16:19Wilson, I want you to form a Turkey Dinner General Purposes Committee.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22And I bags chairman.
0:16:24 > 0:16:34Now, to speed up our deliberations, I've made a list of elements needed to make a successful turkey dinner.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Trust him to make it long-winded!
0:16:37 > 0:16:42First, the turkey, which Corporal Jones has provided.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46Did you fix bayonets and charge(?)
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Don't you start! He's a troublemaker, he is, sir.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Why does he have to be here at all?
0:16:53 > 0:16:58He'd booked the hall tonight. You should thank him for releasing it.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Shall we have a vote of thanks, your Reverence?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Sit down or we'll be here all night!
0:17:06 > 0:17:14Now, when times were different, turkey dinners would include bacon, sausages, vegetables...
0:17:14 > 0:17:19roast potatoes, bread sauce, and, last of all, gravy.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24Did you save the giblets? Makes lovely gravy - with a pinch of salt.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29- Yes, I...I think we saved the... - 'Course I saved the giblets!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32A vote of thanks to Mr Jones(!)
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- Don't you start! - All right, all right.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Uncle Arthur...what's giblets?
0:17:41 > 0:17:47Oh, Frank. It's the liver, kidneys, gizzard, and that sort of thing.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I don't want gravy made out of that.
0:17:49 > 0:17:56Don't be silly, Frank. You've often had it! I wouldn't have if I'd known!
0:17:56 > 0:18:02My sister won't boil the giblets. It excites the Pekinese.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07That's funny. My cat's like that with kippers.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11It makes him jump around and run about...
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Can we get on?!
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Yes, I quite agree.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Let's not get tied up with giblets at this stage.
0:18:20 > 0:18:27Now, we'll select someone - a volunteer preferably - to cook the turkey.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31My mum can cook anything, can't she, Uncle Arthur?
0:18:33 > 0:18:38- Well, answer the boy! - Er, yes...of course she can...
0:18:38 > 0:18:43Mrs Fox is the finest cook I know. Don't I always say that, Mrs Fox?
0:18:43 > 0:18:48Well, you've always been very nice about my dumplings.
0:18:51 > 0:18:56Let's vote on it. Those in favour of Mrs Pike cooking the turkey?
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Mrs Fox?
0:19:06 > 0:19:11Well, a tie. In that case, I shall give the casting vote to Mrs Fox.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16That's nice, isn't it(?) You didn't put your hand up!
0:19:16 > 0:19:20I...didn't want you to have all that trouble.
0:19:20 > 0:19:25That's a nice way to thank you, Mum. She gave you her egg this morning!
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Mavis, look...
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Wilson, speak through the chair.
0:19:31 > 0:19:37Right! Through the chair, I did not know it was Mrs Pike's egg.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Can we get on?!
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Don't make it dry. My pensioners don't like it dry.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Turkey can be dry. I second that!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Be quiet!
0:19:50 > 0:19:59When we was in the Sudan, we cooked an ostrich, which wasn't dry 'cos we did it in Kitchener's bath.
0:19:59 > 0:20:07Next day, the general went to have a bath and said to his batman, "There's a dirty ring in my bath."
0:20:07 > 0:20:16"That's not dirt, sir, it's ostrich fat," said the batman. And he got seven days' solitude for rudeness.
0:20:16 > 0:20:21- It doesn't always do to tell the truth.- Yes, all right!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Now, what do we do next?
0:20:23 > 0:20:29- Sir, stuff it! - ..What did you say, Frazer?
0:20:29 > 0:20:36Stuff it, sir. You'll need to stuff it with parsley and thyme... and maybe chestnuts.
0:20:36 > 0:20:41Parsley and thyme it is. Would you do that, Mrs Pike?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- Of course! - Right, that's decided, then.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46My wife makes a very tasty stuffing.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51We've just asked Mrs Pike to do the stuffing.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53It's not what, but WHO you know!
0:20:53 > 0:20:59Bread sauce! Must have bread sauce. It makes turkey go down a treat!
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Especially if it's dry. It won't be!
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Mrs Fox makes beautiful bread sauce.
0:21:05 > 0:21:10Not too much onion. Onions are bad for old people.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13They get excited, like the Pekinese!
0:21:13 > 0:21:18Don't be rude to Mr Godfrey! He's a very wise man.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23Will Corporal Jones be there as a Home Guard or a pensioner?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27That's it! I've had enough!
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Get your coat off! Come outside!
0:21:30 > 0:21:35Come on, Jones. Just ignore him. Come on, sit down.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Yes, all right, sir, all right.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40It's no good!
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- No, no, Jones.- Sit down, sit down.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Do be careful.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52Now! With the exception of Mr Bluett, we shall all be serving.
0:21:52 > 0:22:00I'll supervise, but I shall leave a little early because I'm guest speaker at the Rotary Dinner.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05- So, THAT'S why you sent your tickets back.- Quiet, Frank.
0:22:05 > 0:22:12However, we can't organise serving the bird before it's cooked, so let's not go too fast.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Too fast?! You'll still be here when the bird's cooking!
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Can we move on to the gravy?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24My wife makes good gravy, oh, aye!
0:22:24 > 0:22:29Everything else is burnt to a cinder but you can't beat her gravy.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Life has its compensations, I say.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Oh, Lord! ..Can we get on?!
0:22:36 > 0:22:41We ARE getting on, Wilson. Mrs Cheeseman can make the gravy.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- Righto, boy!- Right...
0:22:44 > 0:22:48That brings me to the vegetables.
0:22:48 > 0:22:55Vegetables pose rather a bigger problem, not only on account of their availability,
0:22:55 > 0:23:01but because of the sheer bulk of material involved. We...
0:23:04 > 0:23:07APPRECIATIVE MUTTERING
0:23:07 > 0:23:11There you are, love. Thank you, Mr Frazer.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22That's too much. It won't go round.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26I calculate we have only four more to serve, sir.
0:23:26 > 0:23:32- Don't splash it on my tails! - I think you're covered up enough!
0:23:32 > 0:23:37There you are, boy. There's too much onion in here.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Aye, and the gravy's too thick!
0:23:41 > 0:23:46I remember when I was a wee laddie on the wild, lonely Isle of Barra,
0:23:46 > 0:23:50my mother made gravy that was thin and weak.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54And my father would belt us regularly every night.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59But it made men of us!
0:23:59 > 0:24:04Hurry up! The first ones'll finish before the last ones are served!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- Are you eating?- What if I am?!
0:24:07 > 0:24:12- It's for the old people, not you. - It was only a bit of old skin.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15This is Mr Bluett's.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19- What's wrong with it? - He wants it minced.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25We haven't got a mincer here. Cut it up for him.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Yes, sir.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31They're asking about the parson's nose.
0:24:31 > 0:24:36Don't bother me with such details. I've got 32 dinners to serve.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I only asked!
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Incidentally, it IS missing, but I've turned a blind eye.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49Captain Mainwaring, they're eating as soon as their plates arrive!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52It would go cold otherwise.
0:24:52 > 0:24:58But before I'd even said, "For what we're about to receive", they'd all received it!
0:24:58 > 0:25:06- I'm not having that. He's got all white meat. I haven't got any! - Oh, we'll soon put that right.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11- There you are. - But it's been on his plate!
0:25:11 > 0:25:18Mr Jones! Mrs Garstang wants something else - she doesn't eat turkey.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Then she shouldn't have come to a turkey dinner!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25There we are. That's the last one.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31My goodness me, sir. You do look awfully smart.
0:25:31 > 0:25:39Well, I AM the guest speaker. Just because there's a war on we can't drop our standards.
0:25:39 > 0:25:44- Should I say a few words of welcome before I go?- Well, sir...
0:25:44 > 0:25:47..you should let them digest first.
0:25:47 > 0:25:52- Oh, no. That would make me late for the Rotary Dinner.- Oh, I see.
0:25:54 > 0:25:59- How are you getting on, Rogers? - All right.- Good.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03- Mrs Slater, enjoying yourself? - Oh, yes, thank you.
0:26:03 > 0:26:10This is no good. The gravy's got no salt in it. Hey! Some salt, please, waiter.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Mr Mainwaring, Mr McCully says he wants seconds.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Stupid boy! Look what you've done!
0:26:25 > 0:26:31I'm not stupid. Whoever put gravy on the side of the plate is stupid.
0:26:31 > 0:26:39- This is the only shirt I've got! - There's some blotting paper in the office. That'll take it off.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46I'm sorry I messed up your dicky.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49It is NOT a dicky, Pike.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Just you try this, sir.
0:26:53 > 0:26:58- Careful, Wilson.- There you are. Much better. You can hardly see it.
0:26:58 > 0:27:03- Oh, there's a mark on your dicky. - It is not a dicky, he said so.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Oh, well, never mind. I know!
0:27:06 > 0:27:09We'll put some enamel paint on it.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13That'll stop it from obtruding, won't it?
0:27:13 > 0:27:17More gravy wanted. All right, in a minute.
0:27:17 > 0:27:23- Now, do it very carefully, Jones. - There we are. That's right.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28That doesn't show, now, does it?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Really, Jones!
0:27:34 > 0:27:41- Anyone got any black paint? - Ridiculous! I can't have paint all over my tails.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43I've some at home, sir.
0:27:43 > 0:27:48They wouldn't fit someone as round as Mr Mainwaring.
0:27:49 > 0:27:54Why don't you pretend you've hurt your arm and wear a sling?
0:27:54 > 0:27:57 Good idea! That'll cover it up.
0:27:57 > 0:28:02Try it, sir. It'll make you look very brave during your speech.
0:28:02 > 0:28:08Yes, if you wince now and then, you'll get twice the applause.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11There, nobody'll ever know!
0:28:11 > 0:28:16- You look very brave, Mr Mainwaring. - Yes, well, I'm really very cross!
0:28:16 > 0:28:21However, just like our boys to show resourcefulness in an emergency.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Help me on with my coat, Wilson.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Good luck, sir. You look fine.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30 Good luck, Mr Mainwaring.
0:28:30 > 0:28:36- I'm not a stupid boy, am I? - No, I'm sorry about that, Pike.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Where's that gravy?!
0:28:45 > 0:28:48You stupid boy!