0:00:03 > 0:00:08# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:08 > 0:00:12# If you think we're on the run?
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# We are the boys who would stop your little game
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# We are the boys who will make you think again
0:00:22 > 0:00:27# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# If you think old England's done?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
0:00:36 > 0:00:41# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
0:00:46 > 0:00:51# If you think old England's done? #
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Look at the time, Wilson. Did you give Jones my instructions?
0:00:59 > 0:01:05Yes, I told him to wait outside the church hall for the platoon.
0:01:05 > 0:01:10This evening's parade is an absolute mess-up.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Good evening. Can I help you?
0:01:13 > 0:01:21- No, thank you, I'm just waiting for my men.- I don't need 'em. I do the garden on me own.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25No, no. Mr Mainwaring is giving a lecture.
0:01:25 > 0:01:33He's not qualified to give a lecture on gardening. His garden's in a terrible state.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41- I'm not giving a lecture on gardening.- Who is then? You?
0:01:41 > 0:01:47- No, no.- Well, don't look at me. I'm not giving any lectures.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51I've got to do the vicar's greenfly.
0:01:51 > 0:01:56I don't want a lecture on gardening.
0:01:56 > 0:02:03I could give lectures on lots of things - woodwork, repairing bicycles...
0:02:03 > 0:02:06That would be a good one.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Yes, thank you.
0:02:08 > 0:02:14Keeping chickens, restoring old picture frames... There's a dying art.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18- I could do that. - Left, right...
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Left, right. Left, wheel. Left, right.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27'Ere, I'm not havin' them marching all over my lawn.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- Mr Farthing! - Go with him, Wilson.
0:02:31 > 0:02:39What's the matter, Mr Bluett? Mr Mainwaring's got his men walkin' all over your garden.
0:02:39 > 0:02:44- And he wants me to lecture them on gardening.- No, no.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47The vicar gave us permission to use the garden.
0:02:47 > 0:02:52Yes, Mr Bluett. I don't mind having them here.
0:02:52 > 0:03:00They'll trample all the flowers. I'll see they don't do anything improper.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- We won't do anything improper. - Good.
0:03:04 > 0:03:10I've never had a lot of men in my garden before.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Sorry about this slight mix-up,
0:03:13 > 0:03:21but the Warden is using the church hall, and the Sea Scouts are using the church yard. So...
0:03:21 > 0:03:25- Wilson?- The vicar said we mustn't do anything improper.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30What's he mean by that?
0:03:30 > 0:03:37- He says he's never had a lot of men in his garden before.- I see.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42Now, the subject of my lecture today is field craft.
0:03:42 > 0:03:47We have just been issued with some two-man bivouac tents.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51- Wilson? - A two-man bivouac tent.
0:03:51 > 0:03:59Now, I thought we'd have a weekend camp. And I thought the best time would be...
0:03:59 > 0:04:05- At the weekend. - Thank you, Frazer.
0:04:05 > 0:04:10Sir, a two-man tent might be all right for two tiny men,
0:04:10 > 0:04:14but what about a tall man, or a big man?
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Yeah, I'd need a tiny man with me.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23And you're a big man, Captain. Sgt Wilson will need a tiny man.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28- And Mr Godfrey there... - All right. Thank you, Jones.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31We're gonna run out of tiny men.
0:04:32 > 0:04:38- I'm sure I'll find a tiny man. - There's not enough tiny men, Mr Godfrey.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43Jones, please. I'll sort out the sleeping arrangements.
0:04:43 > 0:04:50- I'll sleep with Sgt Wilson. - I always sleep with Uncle Arthur.
0:04:51 > 0:04:57Now, these tents can be put up in a few minutes. I'll show you.
0:04:59 > 0:05:05- Pike, bang these poles into the ground.- Yes, sir.
0:05:07 > 0:05:12Mr Farthing! What's the matter, Mr Bluett?
0:05:12 > 0:05:20- They're banging poles in the lawn. - Really! Capt Mainwaring, no holes in the lawn, please!
0:05:20 > 0:05:24You heard what the vicar said.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29- How can I conduct a lecture under these conditions?- Sir...
0:05:29 > 0:05:37- If you got somebody to hold the poles, there wouldn't be any holes.- All right. Pike, Jones.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Hold the poles, right, sir.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45You hold the other end of the tent, Wilson.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Now...
0:05:48 > 0:05:55Once you've got the poles in the ground, you just throw the tent over them.
0:05:55 > 0:06:03Then fasten the pegs, and the whole thing is done. It's as easy as ABC. Here we go.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Well, you get the general idea.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Ahhh!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Right, clear it all up, Pike.
0:06:25 > 0:06:31The next aspect of field craft is living off the land.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Get it out of the box, Wilson.
0:06:35 > 0:06:43Now, imagine that the Germans have landed, and all our supplies are cut off.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48We are starving, and have to comb the land for food.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51With a hair brush.
0:06:53 > 0:07:00- What is that, Wilson? - A hedgehog.- A hedgehog.
0:07:00 > 0:07:08- Sir, why do you want Sgt Wilson to comb his hair with a hedgehog? - We are going to EAT the hedgehog.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13I couldn't eat a poor little hedgehog.
0:07:13 > 0:07:19This is war, Godfrey. It's either the hedgehogs or us.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Sir, have you ever eaten a hedgehog?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26No, not personally.
0:07:26 > 0:07:32But they're very good to eat. The Gypsies eat them all the time.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Suppose all our supplies have been cut off,
0:07:36 > 0:07:43and you come along and say, "We're going to have hedgehog for supper."
0:07:43 > 0:07:48What if the Gypsies have eaten them all?
0:07:54 > 0:08:00I don't think you need worry about that, Jones. There's plenty to go round.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Not at this time of year.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Having caught our hedgehog,
0:08:09 > 0:08:12we now have to cook it.
0:08:12 > 0:08:19Here's a little wrinkle that's worth knowing about cooking Gypsies - hedgehogs.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Pike...
0:08:27 > 0:08:32Hold your hands out in front of you.
0:08:45 > 0:08:51Mr Mainwaring, why have you poured mud all over my hands?
0:08:51 > 0:08:55All in good time, boy. Give me the hedgehog.
0:08:55 > 0:09:01Now, you take the hedgehog, and you wrap it in the mud.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Well, go on, boy.
0:09:04 > 0:09:11- But if I do that...- Do as I say. - All right.
0:09:16 > 0:09:23Now you...oh... You roll it into a ball, and put it in the embers of a fire,
0:09:23 > 0:09:32and you bake it until the mud is hard. Then you break off the mud, the bristles come away,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35and your hedgehog's done to a turn.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40- Right, clear it up, Pike. - But I'm covered in it. Mum'll be furious.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Clean your hands.
0:09:43 > 0:09:48- Wilson, start the fire. - Right, sir.- Give him a hand, Jones.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Mr Farthing!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11They're setting fire to your lawn.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15No, Vicar. It's only a demonstration.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20Mr Bluett, if you disturb me once more, I shall get very cross.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Just you deal with things yourself.
0:10:24 > 0:10:29Here's a tip for lighting a fire, if the wood should be damp.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32You simply...
0:10:32 > 0:10:36make it go by pouring rifle oil all over it.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Like that, you see.
0:10:39 > 0:10:47Also, if there is a strong wind, you can overcome that by lighting three matches at once.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Pike, come here.
0:10:55 > 0:11:00Now look here, Pike, I don't want you to light the fire.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05What I want you to do is just go through the motions.
0:11:05 > 0:11:11Now take out three matches and light them together.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- Don't light the fire.- No.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Just go through the motions.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Ow!
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I'm not havin' that!
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Ow!
0:11:29 > 0:11:34- I'm all wet, Mr Mainwaring. - You stupid boy!
0:11:43 > 0:11:50There y'are. That's the lot. Put the salt in, Godfrey, son.
0:11:50 > 0:11:5417 pinches, that's one for every man.
0:11:56 > 0:12:02Dinnae be so namby-pamby. Tip it in. There!
0:12:02 > 0:12:06One-two, one-two, three-four, one-two...
0:12:06 > 0:12:09One-two-three, halt.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14This is the life, eh? Fresh air getting into your lungs.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Running on the spot, commence.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Left-right, left-right...
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Keep them at it, Wilson.
0:12:26 > 0:12:33Here comes Mainwaring, poking his nose in. He looks as if he'll burst a blood vessel.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36How's the rabbit stew coming on?
0:12:36 > 0:12:42- Ready in about half-an-hour, sir. - Good. We're all starving.
0:12:42 > 0:12:48It's a good job we're not relying on hedgehogs. I haven't seen a single one.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Carry on cooking.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Halt!
0:12:57 > 0:13:02Now...deep breath in... hands on hips...
0:13:04 > 0:13:07..Trunk circling - commence.
0:13:17 > 0:13:22- Just a minute, sir. - Don't stop, Wilson. - There's Hodges' van.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25All right, men, rest.
0:13:25 > 0:13:32How dare he come here and disturb us! Wilson, Jones, at the double.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35At the double, sir.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Halt!
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- Turn back at once!- Are you mad?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Clear off! We're camping here.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52You're not! The vicar's camping here. That's right.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55You'll have to go.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- You're a troublemaker. - Three grown men camping?
0:13:59 > 0:14:04- I've just given them a lift. - How odd!
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Get the boys out of the van. Yes, sir!
0:14:13 > 0:14:18Do you wish to inspect the boys now, your reverence?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21No, you do it yourself! Very good.
0:14:21 > 0:14:29Vicar, I have men here on active service. How can I maintain discipline with these boys here?
0:14:29 > 0:14:35For your information, Captain, my boys are very highly disciplined.
0:14:35 > 0:14:40You tell him, Vicar. We're entitled to camp here.
0:14:40 > 0:14:45That spot there. Mr Yeatman, back in the van.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Back in the van, boys, quick!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Right, Mr Hodges. Forward!
0:15:06 > 0:15:13- Well, what are we going to do, sir? - Why don't we get the platoon to fix bayonets and run 'em off?
0:15:13 > 0:15:18We're not savages, Jones. Let's have some supper.
0:15:18 > 0:15:23- What are you sniggering at? - Just thinking...
0:15:23 > 0:15:30If we'd been having hedgehogs for supper, and the Scouts had decided to do the same,
0:15:30 > 0:15:34there wouldn't have been any left for them, cos we'd have eaten them all.
0:15:42 > 0:15:47That was a very nice rabbit stew. Very tasty. Very sweet.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51It really is a most beautiful evening.
0:15:51 > 0:15:59Pity about those Scouts. Here we are, a bunch of comrades camping out under the stars,
0:15:59 > 0:16:06- all spoiled by those kids swarming all over the place. - Right, get them out.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Now what are they up to?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Oh, they're going to play pirates.
0:16:15 > 0:16:20Right, boys, down to the water and hoist the Jolly Roger.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- This is absurd. - Well, enjoy your camp.
0:16:28 > 0:16:35- You've done this deliberately, Hodges.- Don't be a spoilsport. Let the kids enjoy themselves.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Thank you for the lift, Mr Hodges.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Don't mention it, Vicar.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47# Hooray, up she rises Hooray, up she rises
0:16:47 > 0:16:51# Hooray, up she rises Early in the morning. #
0:16:51 > 0:16:57- This is hardly helping the war effort, Vicar. - On the contrary, Captain.
0:16:57 > 0:17:03The boys intend to collect money for the Spitfire fund.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Flippin' kids!
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I think Hodges is having a fit.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13You and your soppy boys! What's wrong?
0:17:13 > 0:17:20I've run out of petrol! That's not my fault. Of course it is!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23You and your silly camp!
0:17:23 > 0:17:31You'll just have to sleep here. I'm not havin' rotten kids crawlin' all over me all night!
0:17:31 > 0:17:36You can sleep with the verger and myself...with feet to the pole.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40You can stick your pole! Mr Hodges!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Come away, men.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48SNORING COMING FROM TENTS
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Captain Mainwaring!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Captain Mainwaring!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Captain Mainwaring!
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Frazer, what are you doing?
0:18:34 > 0:18:39- Trying to wake you up. Listen! - What?- Did you no' hear it?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42There! Gunfire!
0:18:42 > 0:18:50- By Jove, you're right. Turn out! Wilson, Pike, Jones. - Listen, sir, I can hear a plane.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55You're right. It's coming this way.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Come on, Uncle Arthur, hurry up.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Frank, stop pulling me about!
0:19:05 > 0:19:09- What is it, Captain? - Be quiet, and listen.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13SOUND OF PLANE GETS NEARER Look!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16It's on fire.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- Is it one of ours, Wilson?- No.
0:19:19 > 0:19:25- Did you hear an air-raid siren, Frazer?- No, sir, not a thing.
0:19:25 > 0:19:31- Probably trying to get back to France.- He's not going to make it.
0:19:31 > 0:19:36Well, nothing we can do about it. All right, men, back to bed.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Well done, Frazer.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Here!
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Hey, don't blow it here. Come with me.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Blow it here, and I'll give you sixpence.
0:20:18 > 0:20:23BOY BLOWS REVEILLE
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Go away, boy!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Well done. Here you are.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03Guard! Rifles and bayonets at the ready!
0:21:07 > 0:21:12- What on earth's the matter, sir? - Look.- Who are they?
0:21:12 > 0:21:20- Germans, of course. They must have parachuted from that plane. - Germans on the water! Germans...
0:21:20 > 0:21:25As soon as I see them Nazi uniforms it gets my blood up.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Let's go and get 'em, sir.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33I don't think even YOU can walk on the water, sir.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Pike, tell them to come in at once.
0:21:36 > 0:21:44- Hey, you! Mr Mainwaring says you've to come here at once! - Hande Hoch!- Hande Hoch!
0:21:44 > 0:21:51They're ignoring us. You don't think they're dead? They're sitting upright!
0:21:51 > 0:21:57Why not just wait? They'll have to come in sooner or later.
0:21:57 > 0:22:03As soon as it's dark they could slip ashore and get away.
0:22:03 > 0:22:09Right. Move your boys, Vicar. There's going to be some shooting.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Come on, boys, into the trees. Into the trees.
0:22:13 > 0:22:18Mr Yeatman, stay here. Capt Mainwaring might need you.
0:22:18 > 0:22:23- Frazer, fire a shot over their heads.- Aye, aye, sir.
0:22:27 > 0:22:35- They haven't moved a muscle. You've got to admire their courage. - They're just stupid, Wilson!
0:22:35 > 0:22:40Why don't we go out to them? We could use the Scouts' raft.
0:22:40 > 0:22:47- Good thinking, Pike. Frazer, Godfrey, stay here. - None of us speaks German.
0:22:47 > 0:22:54- Mr Hodges does. In the last war, he was a guard at a prisoner-of-war camp.- Hodges!
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- Here!- You know what YOU can do.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- Go and get him, Jones.- Yes, sir. - Follow me.
0:23:00 > 0:23:06Come on, you heard what the officer said. At the double!
0:23:08 > 0:23:13- What if the Germans are armed? - We'll blast them out of the water.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16They're heading for disaster! SHEER disaster!
0:23:16 > 0:23:22- Come on, Hodges, I want you as interpreter. - I'm a civilian!
0:23:22 > 0:23:26You're under my orders, on active service. Get on!
0:23:26 > 0:23:32Shoot him, Mr Mainwaring. You've got every right.
0:23:32 > 0:23:39- Get up at the front, keep them covered, Pike. - Mr Mainwaring.- Right, shove off!
0:23:49 > 0:23:56- They're taking no notice of us. - I've never seen three such surly-looking brutes.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05- Keep them covered, Pike. - Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
0:24:05 > 0:24:12- Hodges, tell them to surrender in the name of the King.- Ergeben sich in der name von den Konig.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15I think they understood that, sir.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20What's happening, Mr Frazer? Are the Germans being awkward?
0:24:20 > 0:24:26They're sittin' there with their hands up, but not takin' a bit of notice.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Not a blind bit of notice!
0:24:29 > 0:24:33- Tell them again, Hodges. - Kommen Sie herein!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36They don't want to come herein!
0:24:36 > 0:24:42- I can't stand sulking Nazis. - Why don't we just shoot them?
0:24:42 > 0:24:49- Pike, we're British. We can't shoot men with their hands up. - Let's shoot at the dinghy then.
0:24:49 > 0:24:57We might hit them. That's the penalty one pays for being a sporting nation.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02We could attach a rope to the dinghy and tow it ashore.
0:25:02 > 0:25:09Ah, well done, Wilson. I wondered who'd be the first one to spot that.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14Jones, tie the end of that rope to the mast.
0:25:15 > 0:25:22- Hodges, you tie the other end to the dinghy. - Look here!- Do as you are told.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Right, forward, men! Forward!
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Watch it!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Bit closer. Closer still. Keep moving.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36A little bit closer.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Bloody hooligans!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07We're sinking!
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Let's get ashore as fast as we can.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16It won't work, Jones. You're in the realms of fantasy.
0:26:16 > 0:26:21Let me do it, sir. I put the gas mask on,
0:26:21 > 0:26:28and I attach this pipe to a little raft with camouflage on it,
0:26:28 > 0:26:33then I can swim underwater and breathe through the pipe.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38I'll pierce the dingy with my bayonet.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42- What do you think, Wilson? - I think he'll drown.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I'll show you.
0:26:49 > 0:26:54- VOICE MUFFLED - What did you say, Jones?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57They don't like it up 'em, sir.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02It's worth a try, sir. After all, what can we lose?
0:27:02 > 0:27:06Right, let's get on with it.
0:27:06 > 0:27:12- Sorry I'm late. I had to borrow something from the Scouts. - This is not a game, Pike.
0:27:12 > 0:27:20- They are three vicious Nazi thugs. Get your coat on, Hodges. - But I'm...- Stop making a fuss.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27- Keep them well-covered, Pike. - Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Wilson, point the raft this way.
0:27:30 > 0:27:35- Ready, Jones?- Yes, sir. - Well, good luck.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38I shan't forget this.
0:27:38 > 0:27:43Would you mind holding me glasses, sir? Thank you.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Thanks, Mr Wilson.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Right. Over.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00That's it.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Jones has got guts.
0:28:08 > 0:28:14- I don't know what we'd do without him.- We might have to.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20- He's turning round! - What's he coming back for?
0:28:20 > 0:28:27- He's under the raft.- Jones! Jones! - He can't hear you, sir.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Ow!
0:28:36 > 0:28:41I got 'em! I got 'em, Mr Mainwaring.
0:28:41 > 0:28:47- What are you doing in the German boat? - This is our raft, Jones.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Sorry, sir.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Ohhh!
0:28:52 > 0:28:58- Mr Mainwaring, the Germans have got Mr Hodges.- What?
0:29:02 > 0:29:04FIRES SHOTS
0:29:04 > 0:29:07Get down!
0:29:08 > 0:29:15- They're firing at the petrol drums. They're trying to sink us. - Right, that settles it.
0:29:15 > 0:29:21- You'll hit Hodges. - Why is that blasted man always in the way!
0:29:21 > 0:29:24Let ME have a go.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32Well done, Pike.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35One for luck.
0:29:36 > 0:29:44- He hit it!- What's the German for 'can you swim'?- Hodges!
0:29:44 > 0:29:46Ask them if they can swim!
0:29:46 > 0:29:54I don't care about them. I'M the one who can't swim, you bloody hooligans!
0:30:46 > 0:30:49Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd