0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- ANNOUNCER:- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Hammersmith Apollo.
0:00:07 > 0:00:12Please, put your hands together and welcome on stage Dara O Briain.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14CHEERING
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Are you in good form?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25CHEERING Of course you are.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27You're here, you're here, for God's sake.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29It is a delight to be back. Three years since I've done this room,
0:00:29 > 0:00:32and that's kind of the way the tour goes. Not that I tour every...
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Like, I wait three years. I'm not Kate Bush.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Tours are now so long, there's two years between different gigs,
0:00:39 > 0:00:41and so it's kind of like, you come back to a place,
0:00:41 > 0:00:43and you do get fidgety, because performers, you get neurotic,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46"Oh, my God, will it have changed? Will it have moved on?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48"Will they be expecting something different?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50This all got rammed home for me last year at the Edinburgh Festival.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52I went up to preview some new material,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54and to see some other comics doing shows.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56And at lunchtime one day, I went into a restaurant and said,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59"I just want to get some lunch." And there is a young woman there,
0:00:59 > 0:01:02about 20 years old, and she said, "Of course, no problem. Here."
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Sat me down, gave me a menu, and then walked away.
0:01:03 > 0:01:08And then turned back and went, "I'm sorry, are you Dara O Briain?"
0:01:08 > 0:01:10And I said, "Yes, yes, I am."
0:01:10 > 0:01:11And she said, "Oh, my God,
0:01:11 > 0:01:16"I was such a huge fan of your comedy when I was a child."
0:01:16 > 0:01:18LAUGHTER
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Thanks, pet. I feel a fucking million dollars now!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26I feel like the Chuckle Brothers, is what I feel like now, right?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29But at least she remembered my name.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32There was a bloke who came across me recently in London, in Chiswick,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35where I live. And the bloke walks past me
0:01:35 > 0:01:38and does that whole recognition thing, that whole, "Ah," thing.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41And then, in a really loud voice, went, "Hello, Al Murray."
0:01:43 > 0:01:45And I'm quite narky as well, and I went, "No."
0:01:45 > 0:01:49And your man brilliantly, instantly, went, "Sorry.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52"Hello, Pub Landlord."
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Well done, you get that.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Some crowds don't get that, don't get how great that is,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01because I walked off at that point, which means to this day,
0:02:01 > 0:02:04that man is walking around going, "Yeah, I've met Al Murray.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08"He's a dick. He won't even talk to you unless you address him in
0:02:08 > 0:02:11"character. I don't know what the hell's wrong with him.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14"Who does he think he is, Dame Edna Everage or something?"
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Because I'm quite gregarious. You meet me out and about,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I will talk to you, right? I didn't get into this job because I'm shy.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I like meeting people.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24However, the camera phone thing, that does get a bit dull,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26because people don't talk to you, they just go, click,
0:02:26 > 0:02:28stand beside you and click.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31And I didn't work this hard to get to this place in my life to be one
0:02:31 > 0:02:32of those things at the beach.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35You know, like a picture of a cowboy with the face cut out of it.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37That's essentially... Click.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39And then they walk away, and you go, "What am I?"
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Or they give you this speech. I love the speech, Jesus,
0:02:41 > 0:02:43I love the speech. "Oh, I've got to get a photograph."
0:02:43 > 0:02:47You don't got to get a photograph.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50"My friends won't believe me."
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Your friends... If one more fucker comes up to me and goes,
0:02:53 > 0:02:58"My friends won't believe me," I'm there going, "I am not a unicorn."
0:03:00 > 0:03:03It is not so mind-blowing to have seen me that your friends will go,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05"What?" "I met Dara O Briain."
0:03:05 > 0:03:07"Where?" "In the wild.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10"In the wild, where he is most beautiful.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11"He was on a mountaintop.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15"It was midnight, and the moonlight was shafting through his fetlocks,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17"and he was ululating."
0:03:17 > 0:03:19HE ULULATES It was beautiful to see.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23People say that to me when I'm walking into a theatre in which I'm
0:03:23 > 0:03:24performing that night.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27They won't believe me. I'm fucking here. My name's written.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Where else would I be at this exact moment in space and time?
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Weird, people are very strange.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35So, I've been travelling around going, "What has changed?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37"What has changed in the three years since I last toured this tour?"
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Obviously, older than I was. I'm 43 now,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43which means I'm a full generation older than people in the audience
0:03:43 > 0:03:4618, 20, whatever. Any young men in the audience,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- particularly in the front row? What age are you, champ?- 22.- 22.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Different generation, man.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Different generation to me.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55And your attitudes towards things that I've had to live through that
0:03:55 > 0:03:58you've simply grown up with, absorbing, like digital technology,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01all that kind of stuff, you are, like, from a different world.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I'm thrilled that you can get something out of this
0:04:03 > 0:04:05and you're enjoying it. That's fantastic to me.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Can I use you as an ambassador for all young men, though? Is that OK?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Grand. I'm going to give a tiny piece of advice to you,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13from an older man to a younger man. I've seen what you guys
0:04:13 > 0:04:15do and all that. Just a tiny...
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Just a little smidgen of advice just to bear with on the great
0:04:19 > 0:04:25journey through life. Could you, for five minutes, just for five minutes,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27stop sending photos of your cock to people?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Would that be all right? Five minutes, that's all we ask.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Like, a tiny moratorium on the dick pics,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37just from the rest of us going, "Oh, Jeez,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39"I have no need to see that. I wasn't looking for this,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42"I was looking for your contact details for the job you've just
0:04:42 > 0:04:44"interviewed for. Could you, please?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47"Do you have them? Oh, certainly do.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Click, click, "They are on the back of that."
0:04:49 > 0:04:51It is just too much, right. Just generally...
0:04:51 > 0:04:53And filming yourselves.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56What is with filming yourselves doing naughty things?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58For God's sake, I get it, it's tempting.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59"Oh, let's capture the moment,
0:04:59 > 0:05:02"let's capture the beautiful act of congress as we create it.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04"Oh, you and I, so beautiful,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07"let's make a record of it with our phone or our iPad."
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Are you mad? Stop filming yourself doing filthy things with digital
0:05:10 > 0:05:13technology, because it will go onto the cloud,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15and if somebody knows the name of your first pet,
0:05:15 > 0:05:19they will break in and steal your pornography, right?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22If you're going to film yourself doing naughty things,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25don't go digital. Do what I do - use an old cine camera.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28There's nothing sexier than the...
0:05:28 > 0:05:30HE IMITATES CAMERA WHIRRING
0:05:30 > 0:05:32..as you're watching it back.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36It's classy, it's elegant, it's timeless, it's silent,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39it's black and white.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42I've got a little moustache,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45she's tied to the railway lines. I mean, it's just...
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Classy sexy. There is... Because people...
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Privacy is a thing that your own generation have dumped.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54To a greater or lesser extent, everything goes on Facebook,
0:05:54 > 0:05:55everything is known about everyone,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58and it's all out there for everyone to view. That is not the way I live.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I think it's a ridiculous thing to give up.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03You know me, right? But you don't know my family.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07I don't appear in Hello magazine in my home, all this kind of rubbish.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I don't do any of that. The BBC have repeatedly asked me to do that show,
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Who Do You Think You Are? Do you know the one I mean?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Yeah, yeah. For those who don't, it's a genealogy show
0:06:15 > 0:06:18where they track through the earlier generations of your family,
0:06:18 > 0:06:22you know, to find out what stories created your family history.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25No way am I ever going on that.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Partly in the kind of, "Oh, Jesus, no."
0:06:27 > 0:06:29But also in a kind of, "There is no way..."
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Half the time they go to people and ask them to do this,
0:06:33 > 0:06:35they come back to them three weeks later and go,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38"Listen, we've just done some preliminary research into your
0:06:38 > 0:06:40"family, and can we just say, oh, you..."
0:06:40 > 0:06:44HE GASPS "..you, oh, what a life you have led,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47"but your family, Jesus, nothing.
0:06:47 > 0:06:52"Nothing has happened in your family for seven generations.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54"We have gone back to the 1801 census,
0:06:54 > 0:06:58"and it is dung farmers the entire way down the line."
0:06:58 > 0:07:00And I suspect that would happen to me.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03The O Briains are just very ordinary stock from a place called Bray,
0:07:03 > 0:07:04County Wicklow in Ireland.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06CHEERING Good stuff, very good.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Go back a couple of generations, we're just like, you know,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11we're working on the railways, nothing particularly exotic there.
0:07:11 > 0:07:16My mother's family, the Himmlers, again...
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Nothing really exceptional, no.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23No stories, no papers, no photographs, really.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26A surprising lack of any documentation at all.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30I remember saying this to my grandmother once,
0:07:30 > 0:07:36"Grossmutti Himmler, warum are there no papers or documents?"
0:07:36 > 0:07:39She would just look at me and go, "Vot is vith all ze questions?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42"Ve are simple farming people from County Mayo.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45"Why can't you simply accept that?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48"Oh, cabaret. Oh, cabaret. Oh, cabaret."
0:07:51 > 0:07:55The other reason I could never do that show is because you have to cry
0:07:55 > 0:07:58at some stage. You've never seen me crying on the telly, lads.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00It's not my thing to cry on the telly.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03I find it just... This is why I do shows at ten o'clock on BBC Two,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06or science shows, these kinds of things.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08You'll never see me hosting the X Factor or
0:08:08 > 0:08:10something, standing next to the 15-year-old
0:08:10 > 0:08:14who's just been eliminated. You know, I'm just not built for it.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18This is not in me. I'd be there going, "Oh, you're very sad."
0:08:18 > 0:08:21"Oh!
0:08:21 > 0:08:24"Oh, there you go, boo-hoo, now, boo-hoo."
0:08:25 > 0:08:28"Oh, Mammy, you're crying. Why are you crying?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30"It can't be a surprise to you.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35"Come on, you can hear her, for Christ's sake.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39"Did she sound like the official soundtrack album to Frozen?
0:08:39 > 0:08:40("No, she didn't.)
0:08:40 > 0:08:43"Let it go, pet. There's a message.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49"Oh, the granny is dead?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51"The granny is dead. Oh...
0:08:51 > 0:08:55"Was it your singing that killed her in the end, was it?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58"It was no comfort, anyway."
0:08:58 > 0:09:01People always get a bit, like, I'm being mean to this completely
0:09:01 > 0:09:03fictitious, imaginary...
0:09:03 > 0:09:05There is no-one here, lads, right?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07That was just the power of the mind.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09There was nobody there with feelings to be hurt.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I cannot do that. I cannot do that kind of sentimentality.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16I cannot do sincerity. This must be lacking in a person,
0:09:16 > 0:09:20particularly as a broadcaster. I can't do sincerity, lads.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23You'll never see me be sincere. And I can't do sincerity,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26because of the film Return Of The Jedi. There's a bit in the film
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Return Of The Jedi which killed sincerity.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33You've all seen Return Of The Jedi at some stage,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36but there's a bit in Return Of The Jedi, this scene where this woman,
0:09:36 > 0:09:40this space princess woman walks out to present the rebel forces with the
0:09:40 > 0:09:42information about how to blow up the Death Star.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45She walks in and goes, "But here's the plans for the Death Star."
0:09:45 > 0:09:48She should have walked off at that point, job done, right?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50But she didn't, she had another line to deliver.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53About the high cost of the plans to the Death Star.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56And to add some shade to the scene, you know,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59to add some darkness to it. And then she did sad acting.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01So, this woman walks out and goes,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04"These are the plans of the Death Star."
0:10:04 > 0:10:08And then for no good reason goes, "Many Bothans died
0:10:08 > 0:10:14"to bring us this information," and then genuinely went...
0:10:14 > 0:10:17HE IMITATES DRAMATIC SIGH
0:10:17 > 0:10:20And even as a 12-year-old, I'm in the cinema going,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23"Get that fucking ham off the stage.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28"That is the most overacting, insincere, shite I've ever seen.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31"That has shattered my sense of disbelief,"
0:10:31 > 0:10:33and I was struggling to hold on at this point,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36but I went with it, Lucas, I went with the teddy bears winning
0:10:36 > 0:10:38the laser battle against a robot army.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I let that slide, right?
0:10:41 > 0:10:46I went with it when Mr Bronson from Grange Hill suddenly appeared as one
0:10:46 > 0:10:49of the major figures in the Imperial forces.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52I let that slide, but this...
0:10:52 > 0:10:55HE IMITATES DRAMATIC SIGH ..has ruined it for me.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57And I can't do sincere.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Know this, if you ever see me being sincere on the telly,
0:10:59 > 0:11:04know that this scene runs in my head constantly.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09If I'm ever there going - "If you simply text 75005,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12"you'll donate £5.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15"£5 to a community like this will keep them in mosquito nets
0:11:15 > 0:11:18"or malaria tablets for six months.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22"Many Bothans died...
0:11:22 > 0:11:25"to bring us this information."
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I cannot shift it.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30It is in there and nothing is getting...
0:11:30 > 0:11:33This is why I'll never host Crimewatch.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37"The attack was brutal and unprovoked.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40"We have CCTV footage to show you, but I must warn you,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43"some of the images in this report are distressing."
0:11:50 > 0:11:53"Many Bothans died to bring us this information, right?"
0:11:53 > 0:11:56This is the reason, by the way, not to put a limit on my own
0:11:56 > 0:11:58creativity... This is the reason why...
0:11:58 > 0:12:01One of the reasons why the BBC will... I'm not the person the BBC
0:12:01 > 0:12:03will call on to front their coverage when,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06you know, like, the Queen dies or something.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07AUDIENCE MEMBER GASPS
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Don't make that noise. Please, don't make that noise.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I've checked - she's fine. I don't think I would ever walk out
0:12:12 > 0:12:16and do this on a night... This isn't a topical joke, right?
0:12:16 > 0:12:20By the way, I'm not the last person they'd asked to do this.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I moved up one when they fucked Clarkson out.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24We all shunted up one.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29But they literally couldn't risk me going, "The Queen is dead.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33"The Queen has passed away after 75 years on the throne.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36"She'll be mourned, not only in the United Kingdom,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39"but throughout the Commonwealth.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55"Many Bothans died to bring us this information."
0:13:02 > 0:13:05The culmination of all my general discomfort with this kind of
0:13:05 > 0:13:09saccharine, sentimental public emotion thing that I just can't do
0:13:09 > 0:13:12was about two years ago, I did a thing for Comic Relief,
0:13:12 > 0:13:16one of these challenges they do. Let me undercut this immediately.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Not one of the heroic ones,
0:13:18 > 0:13:20not David Walliams swimming for two weeks down the Thames,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23not John Bishop running a load of marathons
0:13:23 > 0:13:26and then rowing or whatever the hell he did, these heroic ones.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Six of us in a boat down the Zambezi -
0:13:28 > 0:13:31about as difficult as somebody in your office doing a sponsored
0:13:31 > 0:13:34bike ride, so worth a fiver of somebody's money,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37but let's not get carried away here. Which presumably is what you say to
0:13:37 > 0:13:40somebody in your office when they ask you to sponsor them on a
0:13:40 > 0:13:43bike ride, you go, "Yeah, John, you're never off the fucking bike.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44"All right, I'll give you the tenner.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47"And would you put some clothes on? In the Lycra in an office.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49"Would you let it go, for God's sake."
0:13:49 > 0:13:50So, there was a few of us doing this,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53but they sent a documentary crew with us
0:13:53 > 0:13:56in order to capture the moment, in order to capture the tantrums,
0:13:56 > 0:13:58the blisters, or the difficult moments
0:13:58 > 0:14:00when we visited projects that affected us emotionally,
0:14:00 > 0:14:03and then we could emote about that, and you would see this and empathise
0:14:03 > 0:14:05and donate more money.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07And that's the way it works, and they do wonderful work.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Good for them. It turns out,
0:14:09 > 0:14:15I am of fuck all use to Comic Relief,
0:14:15 > 0:14:19because I can't deliver the thing they need people to deliver in these
0:14:19 > 0:14:21little films. Because they would ask questions,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24questions you know the answer to, questions that are quite leading...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26They would ask questions like,
0:14:26 > 0:14:33"Has this journey opened your eyes to the situation in Africa?"
0:14:34 > 0:14:38And I would give the only answer you can give as a then 41-year-old man,
0:14:38 > 0:14:40which is, of course -
0:14:40 > 0:14:42no.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Don't be ridiculous.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53What kind of fucking eejit would I have to be to have got
0:14:53 > 0:14:59to 41 years old, landed in Africa and gone, "Jesus!
0:14:59 > 0:15:03"They've got nothing here!
0:15:03 > 0:15:07"Why was I not informed of this?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10"I can't even get 3G."
0:15:13 > 0:15:17And then they would really twist the knife and try to bump up the
0:15:17 > 0:15:20emotional power. They would say things like, "Has this week
0:15:20 > 0:15:27"changed the way you feel about your own children?"
0:15:36 > 0:15:39And I said, "No."
0:15:40 > 0:15:45How weird would it be if it took a week in the jungle with Mel C
0:15:45 > 0:15:49and some bird off Waterloo Road
0:15:49 > 0:15:52for me to go, "Do you know what?
0:15:52 > 0:15:59"When I get home, I'm going to give my kids another go."
0:16:08 > 0:16:12"Because I was beginning to find them quite whiny and needy,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15"but you spend a week in a tent with Jack Dee,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18"you learn what whiny neediness really is."
0:16:26 > 0:16:28But the reason... By the way, I'm not a monster.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31We weren't going to cholera hospitals or famine-relief sites
0:16:31 > 0:16:33or whatever, we were going to long-term developmental projects.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36This is where this kind of culture of the emotive breaks down for me,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38you see, because these kinds of things,
0:16:38 > 0:16:41it was building schools across Zambia, and so this makes sense.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43This would be a good thing to do, because the kids wouldn't have to
0:16:43 > 0:16:46walk two hours to school, because girls will get an education,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49which is rare in that part of the world, because, you know,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51you will create the skills-base in part of the world
0:16:51 > 0:16:53which is developing. All of these are good things to do,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56and we get them. We get it here. We don't have to get it here.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59You don't have to make some sort of emotive thing to get me,
0:16:59 > 0:17:00because they'll get it right here.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03So, you try selling that in a cheap, emotive way.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06I'm standing in a village with kid who's about eight years old.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I think his name was Joshua, a lovely little boy.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10A little, gorgeous kid, a little football under his arm.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13And I say to Joshua, "Joshua, your sister walked the two hours to
0:17:13 > 0:17:15"school, but you're here today, so what did you do today?"
0:17:15 > 0:17:18And Joshua looked at me and said, "Well, I'm too young to walk all the
0:17:18 > 0:17:20"way to the school, so I stayed in the village today
0:17:20 > 0:17:23"and I played football with my friends in the morning,
0:17:23 > 0:17:27"and then I sat on my mother's lap as she did the arts and crafts.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30"And then, and then we fed the goats and the other animals,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33"and then I played football with my friends for the rest of the day."
0:17:33 > 0:17:36And I looked a little Joshua and I said, "Well, Joshua,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38"we're building a school here."
0:17:48 > 0:17:50"So, all that's going to come to an end."
0:17:57 > 0:17:59IMITATES BAWLING
0:18:01 > 0:18:02"You had a good fucking innings, Joshua.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04"Don't act like you didn't."
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Fucking monstrous.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09One thing I want to talk to you about,
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I want to talk about the brain.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14And I am aware, by the way, that when I talk about the brain,
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I am by no means the most qualified person in a vast room of people,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18to discuss this as an issue.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21There'll be somebody in this room who'll be a neuroscientist or a
0:18:21 > 0:18:24neurologist, or a psychiatrist or a psychologist.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Is there anyone here who works properly in that field, with the brain?
0:18:27 > 0:18:28PEOPLE SHOUT
0:18:28 > 0:18:30OK, first woman who shouted there, what do you do?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- Meningitis.- You research meningitis, but in what field?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Are you a biochemist or are you a neuroscientist?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- What are you?- I'm a doctor.- You're a doctor, OK.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40You don't count for this.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42You get enough love.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- Who shouted over here? WOMAN:- I'm a neuroscientist.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47There we go, fantastic. Good to have you here. Well done.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Congratulations, you. The brain is an incredible thing, isn't it?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Yes!- Thank you very much. That's all I needed.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54That is literally almost all I need off you.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Yes, it is, isn't it, though? It's an amazing thing.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59It's unlike other organs of the body, you know.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01I mean, the lungs, you can feel them expanding,
0:19:01 > 0:19:03you can feel the heart beating.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06You don't have to open up the knee to see what the knee does, right?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08But the brain is really intractable.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10It's very difficult to see the brain functioning,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13to image it as it does what it does.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Even historically, we didn't know what different regions of the brain
0:19:16 > 0:19:20did unless shit went hideously wrong.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23There is a very famous story in the psychological sciences about a man
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- called Phineas Gage. Have you heard of Phineas Gage? ALL:- Yes!
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Loads of you have heard of him. Phineas Gage worked on the railways
0:19:30 > 0:19:32in America in the 1840s, 1850s. His job was to pin down the railway
0:19:32 > 0:19:36lines using metal spikes that he'd fire into the ground using explosive
0:19:36 > 0:19:38bolts, right? One day, Phineas is doing this job
0:19:38 > 0:19:41and he's arranging all of his spikes,
0:19:41 > 0:19:45when one of the bolts went off, shot the spike up,
0:19:45 > 0:19:49the spike entered Phineas behind his chin, travelled through his head
0:19:49 > 0:19:51and partially came out of the top of his head.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53So, the spike travelled through his head.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Doctors managed to remove it and Phineas survived.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00But doctors noted that after the accident,
0:20:00 > 0:20:02he was noticeably more hostile.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13And they said that the reason for this is because he'd damaged the
0:20:13 > 0:20:16frontal lobes of his brain and maybe this was the region of his brain
0:20:16 > 0:20:18that served to damp down violent mood swings.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20And they're going, "Oh, maybe."
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Or maybe it's because a fucking spike..
0:20:25 > 0:20:29..just got shot up the back of his face
0:20:29 > 0:20:31and now he can't eat steak.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I mean, there's many competing views.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37And even things that we take for granted, or that we use all the
0:20:37 > 0:20:39time, like our memory. We don't have a full working theory
0:20:39 > 0:20:41of how memories are laid down.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Or if different memories are stored in different ways.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46And by different memories, I'll illustrate.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47I was recently going to the shops.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50I had a list of things to buy and was at the door when my wife goes,
0:20:50 > 0:20:51"We need bread." And I'm going,
0:20:51 > 0:20:53"I don't have a pen on me to put bread onto the list,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56"but don't you worry, it's in there, I have put it in here.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58"I have put bread into my head.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01"Don't you worry, honey, it is in there."
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Now, obviously I made an arse of it, right?
0:21:04 > 0:21:05I fecked it up, right?
0:21:05 > 0:21:09I didn't put bread into the short-term task-solving part of
0:21:09 > 0:21:13my memory. I put bread into a different region of my memory,
0:21:13 > 0:21:16a region known as the wank bank.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26So, I came back without any bread.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27But more disturbingly...
0:21:30 > 0:21:33..later that evening...
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I had a very strange dream about a sandwich.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38"Oh, 50-50,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41"You're naughty bread, aren't you, 50-50? What are you,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43"are you brown bread or white bread?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46"I can't tell. You're a dirty, teasing bread.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48"A dirty, dirty bread."
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Sorry.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54See, you become like an amateur psychologist, anyway,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56if you have children, because you can see their brains develop,
0:21:56 > 0:21:59as I'm sure my experts will back me up on.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03A child's brain is very similar to a human brain.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06But it must be beaten into shape.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I'm not going to give you some sentimental guff here about if we
0:22:09 > 0:22:11can only see the world as children see the world,
0:22:11 > 0:22:12then we'd truly be happy.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15If only we could hold on to our childlike innocence and world view,
0:22:15 > 0:22:17then we'd truly... My hole, right?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20If we still walked around thinking like children,
0:22:20 > 0:22:25nothing would get done and stop hitting your sister!
0:22:25 > 0:22:28There are only two situations in the world where children have got
0:22:28 > 0:22:31the right idea and we as grown-ups have lost something beautiful.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Two. One of them is swimming pools.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Jesus, we have ruined swimming pools as adults, right?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Kids have the right idea about a swimming pool - you enter at any
0:22:39 > 0:22:41point, and then, when you're in there, you go in whatever direction
0:22:41 > 0:22:44you want. Up down, left right, you float, you fart,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47you do whatever you dreamed of doing in a zero-gravity frictionless
0:22:47 > 0:22:51environment. We grown-ups, in our lanes,
0:22:51 > 0:22:55slowly advancing on the wall.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00Touching the wall, turning around, going to the other wall.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03The prison yard of the swimming pool experience.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08The worst thing about swimming in a lane is when you're in a lane and...
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Like a hotel, and the other side, the row of coasters,
0:23:11 > 0:23:14there is a family of kids going apeshit with delight,
0:23:14 > 0:23:17and you're there going, "No, you're using it wrong!"
0:23:20 > 0:23:21I say that's the worst thing,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23that's not the worst thing with swimming in a lane.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25The worst thing with swimming in a lane
0:23:25 > 0:23:28is when somebody else joins your lane.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Because people don't swim at the same speed,
0:23:32 > 0:23:36because otherwise it wouldn't be a fucking sport.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39So, now you're either slowly catching up with them or they're
0:23:39 > 0:23:45slowly catching up with you and, Jesus, the tension is unbearable.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I only came in for 30 minutes of cardio
0:23:47 > 0:23:50and now I'm in the fucking Hunger Games.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00I have never been on an exercise bike
0:24:00 > 0:24:04and sensed another exercise bike slowly overtaking
0:24:04 > 0:24:06me on the outside.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11Two situations in which kids do it right - swimming pools and stairs.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Jesus, what I wouldn't give to use the stairs the way a child uses the
0:24:14 > 0:24:18stairs. Particularly in some really grown-up context,
0:24:18 > 0:24:20like a business meeting.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21To walk out of a business meeting going, "Well,
0:24:21 > 0:24:24"I'm very unhappy with the results of that particular business meeting.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27"Those quarterly reports you presented are unsatisfactory
0:24:27 > 0:24:30"and you shall be hearing from my legal team."
0:24:30 > 0:24:33And then step backwards onto the stairs.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35And then...
0:24:35 > 0:24:37HE IMITATES THUDDING DOWN STAIRS
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Good day.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45CHEERING
0:24:48 > 0:24:51But no, we make them grow up, we teach them things.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53And I've got a problem with what we teach kids.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Not the syllabus in school,
0:24:55 > 0:24:57but the stuff we teach them before they even get to school.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00The stuff you're supposed to teach kids from nought to three.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01The preschool syllabus.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05The stuff that presumably we regard as the bedrock of information,
0:25:05 > 0:25:07the most important stuff we can drill into kids' heads.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Jesus, that syllabus is unevolved.
0:25:10 > 0:25:15The amount of effort I've spent in trying to teach animal noises and
0:25:15 > 0:25:20pairing the correct farm animal to the correct farm animal noise to
0:25:20 > 0:25:24two children who live in the middle of London.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28At no stage is a cow going to wander randomly into their house.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30"Jesus, a cow."
0:25:30 > 0:25:32HE BLEATS
0:25:33 > 0:25:37"We've been training for exactly this situation for years now."
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Animal noises and ABCs.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43For those of you who are beyond this or have yet to come to this,
0:25:43 > 0:25:44ABCs are these big,
0:25:44 > 0:25:47thick-paged books with one word per page in alphabetical order.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49And they're grand at the start of the book.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Ah, sure, they're magical at the start of the book.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54But when you get to the back of the book,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57when you get to the freak letters,
0:25:57 > 0:26:00you are putting the same amount of effort into teaching words to your
0:26:00 > 0:26:04children that you know you never use as an adult.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Xylophone.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09The hours wasted teaching xylophone.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12"Look at the xylophone, look at the xylophone."
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Hardly a day goes by as an adult for somebody to go,
0:26:15 > 0:26:18"Have you got your xylophone on you, Dara?"
0:26:18 > 0:26:20"I left my xylophone on the bus.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23"And I've a major xylophone-based event coming up this evening."
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Someday, I'd like to meet a professional xylophone player,
0:26:26 > 0:26:29just to go, "How did you get into the xylophone?"
0:26:29 > 0:26:34In the hope that they'll go, "Well, in my house, when I was growing up,
0:26:34 > 0:26:39"xylophone was just as important as apple, ball or cat."
0:26:41 > 0:26:44And I'll go, "And is your sister a xylophone player?"
0:26:44 > 0:26:46"No, she's an X-ray technician."
0:26:46 > 0:26:48CHEERING
0:26:52 > 0:26:56They are the only two words beginning with X you can use.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59You cannot use the third word beginning with X.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02What is the third word beginning with X?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04- MAN:- Xenophobia.- Xenophobia. Spot on, chap.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Xenophobia, the irrational fear of foreigners.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14I would love to have an ABC...
0:27:16 > 0:27:20..in which the word for X was xenophobia.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Just to turn the page and go, "Look at those faces.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29"They're different, aren't they, those faces?
0:27:29 > 0:27:33"Different to your face. How does that make you feel inside?
0:27:33 > 0:27:37"You're not sure how it makes you feel inside?
0:27:37 > 0:27:38"You don't know what they want?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40"They want your job."
0:27:45 > 0:27:50I've an ABC at home in which Y is for yacht.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54What fucking lifestyle are they preparing this child for?
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Sitting on the yacht, I'll be playing the xylophone.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02He'll be on the edge of the boat,
0:28:02 > 0:28:04looking at the dark faces in the harbour.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13And then there are the things we teach kids
0:28:13 > 0:28:16and the only reason we teach them to kids is because our parents
0:28:16 > 0:28:18taught it to us, right?
0:28:18 > 0:28:21And I am calling bullshit on one of those tonight.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Specifically, elbows off the table.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28What is the problem with an elbow on a table?
0:28:28 > 0:28:30A table is elbow height,
0:28:30 > 0:28:33it is sitting there waiting for an elbow to appear.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35You can rest, you can swivel, you can do...
0:28:35 > 0:28:38The only reason we say elbows off the table to our children is
0:28:38 > 0:28:41because our parents said elbows off the table to us
0:28:41 > 0:28:43and the only reason they said elbows off the table to us was
0:28:43 > 0:28:46because their parents said elbows off the table to them.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49And frankly, that's how religions get started.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57So, enough.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Elbows on the table as much as you want from here on in.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02There's no problem with it whatsoever.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04I'd imagine anyway, if you went through the social history of it,
0:29:04 > 0:29:07you'd probably find, with respect, lads, it was probably an English thing,
0:29:07 > 0:29:09like a Victorian or Edwardian thing,
0:29:09 > 0:29:12where it was regarded as inappropriate to show your elbows in
0:29:12 > 0:29:16a kind of "Ah, Mr Darcy, thank you for joining us here at
0:29:16 > 0:29:19"Cavendish Hall for our annual Christmas celebration.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21"Join me in the drawing-room as I...
0:29:21 > 0:29:24"Elizabeth!" "How are you, Mr Darcy?!
0:29:26 > 0:29:30"Have a look at that, Mr Darcy, do you like what you see?"
0:29:30 > 0:29:33"Elizabeth, don't bring shame upon this family."
0:29:33 > 0:29:35"Fuck you, Mammy, I haven't got a husband.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42"Plenty more where that came from, Mr Darcy."
0:29:43 > 0:29:48"Elizabeth, why do you have a Dublin accent?
0:29:48 > 0:29:50"Never fully been explained to me."
0:29:50 > 0:29:53Then there are the mental traits you presume only children would have and
0:29:53 > 0:29:55that we would grow out of and we don't.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57One of those is a thing called anthropomorphism.
0:29:57 > 0:30:01Our tendency to see human traits in things that just aren't human, right?
0:30:01 > 0:30:04Every Disney movie with cars and planes is based on this.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06A couple of head lamps and a radiator grille,
0:30:06 > 0:30:09it looks like a face. You can see the way a child's imagination would
0:30:09 > 0:30:12fill in those gaps. But of course, we still do that, right?
0:30:12 > 0:30:14You'd think you'd grow out of it.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16A very good example of this was last year.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18Those stories that appeared here, you know,
0:30:18 > 0:30:20about these mansions in London,
0:30:20 > 0:30:23in Holland Park, these £50 million houses owned by billionaires.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25And that's not enough space for them.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28They want more space, but they can't buy the space and land around them,
0:30:28 > 0:30:31because other billionaires own the land around them,
0:30:31 > 0:30:33and the other houses. So, they have to dig down.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36Remember all this? All these things about planning permission for
0:30:36 > 0:30:39four-storey-deep basements, into which they put their swimming pools
0:30:39 > 0:30:42and they put their theatre and they put their servants' quarters
0:30:42 > 0:30:43and their third kitchen.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46And when you get the planning permission to actually do it,
0:30:46 > 0:30:48you just need to drive a digger into the house and dig.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51Literally move 60 feet of soil out of this
0:30:51 > 0:30:52and create this massive hole.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55So, you get this massive hole underneath the house,
0:30:55 > 0:30:57with a digger sitting at the bottom of it.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00And it's really difficult, in places like Holland Park, to stop it all,
0:31:00 > 0:31:03you know, to drive a crane into these narrow roads
0:31:03 > 0:31:05and lean over and take the digger out.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07So, what they make the digger do...
0:31:10 > 0:31:12..they make the digger dig another hole...
0:31:15 > 0:31:17..at the bottom of the big hole.
0:31:18 > 0:31:22And they drive the digger into the hole
0:31:22 > 0:31:25and they fill the hole with concrete.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28LAUGHTER AND SYMPATHETIC GROANS
0:31:28 > 0:31:31Loving your reaction. Loving your reaction, right?
0:31:31 > 0:31:34I mean, it doesn't have googly eyes printed on the front of it,
0:31:34 > 0:31:37right? It's just a mechanical shovel,
0:31:37 > 0:31:39but people go, "Aw, the digger."
0:31:40 > 0:31:43I'd understand being that upset if it was like immigrant labour that
0:31:43 > 0:31:45they were talking about.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47I mean, that would genuinely be scandalous,
0:31:47 > 0:31:51if there is a bloke going, "Well done, lads, excellent digging."
0:31:55 > 0:31:58"Could you dig another hole while you're down there, lads, could you?
0:31:58 > 0:32:00"Saves us a fortune in ladders."
0:32:02 > 0:32:05If you're upset about that, if you're upset in any way about
0:32:05 > 0:32:08the digger and I could hear the pain in the crowd tonight,
0:32:08 > 0:32:12I don't even want to tell you how they dug the Channel Tunnel.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14It will kill you if I tell you how they dug it.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16This is how they dug the Channel Tunnel, right?
0:32:16 > 0:32:18They got these big chuggy machines,
0:32:18 > 0:32:21which is like a mole machine that would dig and pull the soil behind,
0:32:21 > 0:32:23dig and pull the soil behind itself. And they sent them from France
0:32:23 > 0:32:27and sent them from to England. Chug, chug into the ground, creating the tunnel.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30Chug, chug, chug into the ground they went, down under the English Channel.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Chug, chug. All the way down until they almost met in the middle.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35Chug, chug. And when they were about to meet...
0:32:35 > 0:32:37Chug, chug, chug. They turned them 90 degrees.
0:32:37 > 0:32:41Off the line of the tunnel and they bricked them into the wall.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44So, genuinely, if you get the train from London to Paris,
0:32:44 > 0:32:48or Paris to London, you pass the last resting place
0:32:48 > 0:32:51of the chuggy machine that dug the tunnel.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55That kills me.
0:32:55 > 0:32:59Just the thought of the guy on the last day, getting into the
0:32:59 > 0:33:04chuggy machine and turning the key and going, "How are you, Chuggy?"
0:33:04 > 0:33:10And Chuggy turning around and going, "Will we see France today, will we?"
0:33:16 > 0:33:20"Any day now, Chuggy, any day now."
0:33:20 > 0:33:23"Is Calais as beautiful as they say?"
0:33:24 > 0:33:29"Oh, the supermarkets go on for miles, Chuggy, you'll love it."
0:33:29 > 0:33:31"Can I practise on you?"
0:33:31 > 0:33:34"Go on, Chuggy, you can practise on me."
0:33:34 > 0:33:36"Je m'appelle Chuggy."
0:33:37 > 0:33:40"Oh, Chuggy, that's very good."
0:33:40 > 0:33:42"Will they like me in France?"
0:33:42 > 0:33:45"They're going to love you in France, Chuggy.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47"They're going to love you in France."
0:33:48 > 0:33:51"Chuggy?" "Oui?"
0:33:53 > 0:33:56"Do you mind turning 90 degrees to the right here just for a second?"
0:33:56 > 0:33:57"Are we still going to France?"
0:33:57 > 0:34:00"Oh, we're still going to France, Chuggy, don't you worry about that,
0:34:00 > 0:34:03"we're still going to France. You just pull in here for a second.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05"That's very good, Chuggy. You are a great little chugger.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07"Well done, Chuggy, that's great. Stop here now for a second,
0:34:07 > 0:34:10"Chuggy. Now I just... I have to get out and do something for a second,
0:34:10 > 0:34:12"Chuggy, so I'm just going to leave you here.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14"You have a little sleep for yourself,
0:34:14 > 0:34:17"have a sleep for yourself and dream of chateaux and cheese
0:34:17 > 0:34:20"and bicycle races and vineyards.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22"You have a lovely dream for yourself.
0:34:22 > 0:34:23"Night-night, Chuggy. Night-night.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25"Night-night, Chuggy.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28"Brick it up."
0:34:29 > 0:34:32And on the other side of the tunnel there is a man walking
0:34:32 > 0:34:34backwards with a beret on going,
0:34:34 > 0:34:36"Couchez-vous, Chugons. Couchez-vous."
0:34:36 > 0:34:39See, I think that's funny, right,
0:34:39 > 0:34:42but an hour after every gig, I get hundreds of tweets going,
0:34:42 > 0:34:46"Fuck you - #PoorOldChuggy."
0:34:46 > 0:34:48CHEERING
0:34:54 > 0:34:57So, we teach things to kids and we teach them because they can learn.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59Oh, my God, if you hear this phrase once,
0:34:59 > 0:35:01"Oh, "kids' brains are amazing, they're like sponges."
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Have you ever tried to teach anything to a sponge?
0:35:04 > 0:35:05It is impossible to get it...
0:35:05 > 0:35:08"Jump through the hoop! Jump, jump through the hoop.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10"You're the worst sponge I've ever trained."
0:35:10 > 0:35:12This whole thing about... It's so easy for kids to learn,
0:35:12 > 0:35:15because they're young minds and then you get older and
0:35:15 > 0:35:16it's very difficult to learn.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19Of course, it's easy for children to learn,
0:35:19 > 0:35:22because everything is new when you're a child, and amazing.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25When you're a kid, oh, mountains explode and lava pumps out.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27Oh, there's a planet with a ring around it
0:35:27 > 0:35:30or there's a horse in Africa with a really long neck.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32Everything is fantastic.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34Then you get old and nothing is new.
0:35:34 > 0:35:39Just tiny variations of shite you've already heard of.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41And by the way,
0:35:41 > 0:35:43in the great eternal question of who's young and who's old,
0:35:43 > 0:35:46is 40 the new 20 and all this guff, right, here's old.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48Have you got a pension? You're old.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50That is where we drawn the line, right?
0:35:50 > 0:35:53Not just because you're planning for the future and it's not all just
0:35:53 > 0:35:56about now, but mainly, if you've got a pension,
0:35:56 > 0:35:59you once sat in a room with a bloke with a load of folders in front of
0:35:59 > 0:36:02him who went, "I believe you want a pension," and you went,
0:36:02 > 0:36:04"OK, I'll get a pension."
0:36:04 > 0:36:07And he went, "What kind of pension do you want?"
0:36:07 > 0:36:10And you went, "Jesus, there are KINDS of pension?"
0:36:10 > 0:36:13And that is grown-up life in a nutshell.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17Shit you didn't care of comes in a million different varieties.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20I remember once a picture falling off a wall in my house and me going,
0:36:20 > 0:36:23"Oh, God, I'd better get a nail." And going into a hardware store
0:36:23 > 0:36:27and the guy going, "Great, what kind of nail?"
0:36:27 > 0:36:29"There are KINDS of nail?"
0:36:29 > 0:36:32And the guy says, "Of course there are kinds of nail,
0:36:32 > 0:36:34"what kind of wall is it?"
0:36:34 > 0:36:37"There are KINDS of wall?"
0:36:38 > 0:36:40He said, "Of course there are kinds of wall.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42"What does the wall do in your house?"
0:36:42 > 0:36:45"It stops people from seeing me have a poo."
0:36:51 > 0:36:54"Do you have a nail for that kind of wall?"
0:36:54 > 0:36:57"I think we can stretch to that."
0:36:57 > 0:37:00Grown-up life is either tiny variations of stuff you don't care
0:37:00 > 0:37:03about or stuff you wish you didn't have to know,
0:37:03 > 0:37:06but now you're a grown-up, so you have to know it.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09Like the first time any of us learned that trainers,
0:37:09 > 0:37:11runners, sneakers, whatever you want to call them,
0:37:11 > 0:37:15are stitched by eight-year-old children in Indonesia.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17And you hear this and you go home...
0:37:17 > 0:37:19LAUGHTER This is not funny.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29I cannot believe you laughed at the build-up in that particular joke.
0:37:29 > 0:37:33The heart-wrenching story of child labour in another part...
0:37:33 > 0:37:36I'm going to do that again and you'd better have a long think,
0:37:36 > 0:37:40you'd better have a long think about what you want.
0:37:40 > 0:37:45The first time you ever hear that trainers, runners, sneakers,
0:37:45 > 0:37:48are stitched by eight-year-old children in Indonesia.
0:37:48 > 0:37:52And you go home and look at your own eight-year-old and go,
0:37:52 > 0:37:56"Look at the quality of work that these children..."
0:38:06 > 0:38:09"..compared to the shit that you're bringing back from that school.
0:38:09 > 0:38:13"The money I'm spending on your education.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16"For what? A rocket made out of tubes.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19"What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?
0:38:19 > 0:38:20"I can run in these.
0:38:20 > 0:38:23"You see that, do you?
0:38:23 > 0:38:29"Make me a shoe and I will put it on the fridge, do you understand?"
0:38:29 > 0:38:32Everything is a downer, everything is a buzzkill,
0:38:32 > 0:38:34because we know too much. Even stuff that used to be fun.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37Remember when booking a holiday... This will blow young people's minds.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40..booking a holiday used to involve going into a shop on the high street
0:38:40 > 0:38:42with a brochure and pointing to something
0:38:42 > 0:38:44and then they'd sell it to you.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46Man, how crazy does that sound now,
0:38:46 > 0:38:49when booking a holiday involves sitting at your computer at home and
0:38:49 > 0:38:54opening nine separate windows and trying to coordinate the travel and
0:38:54 > 0:38:57accommodation and the cheap flight and the drop-down menus and the
0:38:57 > 0:39:00passport details and the Esta forms and the temporary visas, and it takes
0:39:00 > 0:39:03ages to do, and every family here has drawer near the computer
0:39:03 > 0:39:06that has all of the passports for the family
0:39:06 > 0:39:08and all the dregs of currency for the last eight years.
0:39:08 > 0:39:11And every time I open that drawer and look in,
0:39:11 > 0:39:14just for a second, I'm Jason Bourne.
0:39:17 > 0:39:21Just for one tiny shining moment I am going, "I could escape.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24"I could take these and I could be gone."
0:39:24 > 0:39:25That would be magical, right?
0:39:25 > 0:39:29Oh, sure, there would be an awkward moment on a frontier post, with
0:39:29 > 0:39:31a man going, "You do not look like a six-year-old girl."
0:39:31 > 0:39:34And I'm going, "Well, Sergei, it was a long flight.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36"Here's 13 Canadian dollars.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38"Buy yourself something sexy."
0:39:40 > 0:39:43But you do it, you do the hours of filling in all the different things,
0:39:43 > 0:39:46coordinating all the different windows.
0:39:46 > 0:39:50You do it for the little face. Ah, the little face.
0:39:50 > 0:39:51Not your children,
0:39:51 > 0:39:55your wife's little face as the air hostess explains to her,
0:39:55 > 0:39:58"No, this is definitely seat 14F
0:39:58 > 0:40:02"and when the booking was made you specifically requested the halal,
0:40:02 > 0:40:06"kosher, vegetarian, lactose-intolerant children's meal.
0:40:06 > 0:40:09"It's an incredibly specific request.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12"Nobody has ticked all five boxes before.
0:40:12 > 0:40:17"Do you not remember making such an incredibly specific meal request?"
0:40:17 > 0:40:20"I... I don't. Maybe we should check with my husband.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23"Darling, is there any chance...?" "Oh, fuck, there is.
0:40:23 > 0:40:27"Yes. If I'm staying up till one in the morning filling out passport
0:40:27 > 0:40:30"details, you, my darling, are eating the halal, kosher,
0:40:30 > 0:40:33"vegetarian, lactose-intolerant children's meal.
0:40:34 > 0:40:38"I just wanted to see what they'd bring you.
0:40:40 > 0:40:41"Enjoy your apple."
0:40:45 > 0:40:48Tiny victories, people, tiny victories.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51By the way, I'm going to say a thing in a minute and when I've finished
0:40:51 > 0:40:53saying the thing I'm going to say in a minute, watch out for this,
0:40:53 > 0:40:56I'm going to say these words - "Thank you very much, goodnight."
0:40:56 > 0:40:58Ignore it. Then I'll walk off, ignore that, as well.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00It is not the end of the show.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02If I hear one chair go fah-dunk, I'll be furious, right?
0:41:02 > 0:41:05Furious! You'll have not understood the rules in this at all.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08All right? I'll have to walk off. I won't even disappear from view.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11I'll leave one hand. One hand just dangling. You'll see it just there.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13Just as a sign of life. I'll put a mirror and breathe on it.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16You will see it steaming up. You'll know I'm just behind there,
0:41:16 > 0:41:18behind that big head. Just behind there. Big head.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21Me and the big head, great. This is difficult enough to shift,
0:41:21 > 0:41:24along with the Megabus. Anyway, so...
0:41:24 > 0:41:27CHEERING Stop it!
0:41:30 > 0:41:32Oh, ha-h-ha.
0:41:32 > 0:41:33Oh, I can take a joke.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35My entire life!
0:41:35 > 0:41:37Anyway, I'm not going to go anywhere.
0:41:37 > 0:41:39I will be back. It's a dance you have to do.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42I'll walk off. Oh. Then back on again. Right. Watch it happen.
0:41:42 > 0:41:43This is the thing I want to talk to you about.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45Where are my psychology people, where are you?
0:41:45 > 0:41:48- Where's my neuroscientist? Good to have you here.- Whoo!
0:41:48 > 0:41:50- Are you familiar with the debate about the gendered brain?- Yeah.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53Good for you. That's all I needed... Yes, there is...
0:41:53 > 0:41:55There's a discussion at the moment about the gendered brain.
0:41:55 > 0:41:58The gendered brain is the academic title for are male and female brains...?
0:41:58 > 0:42:00Or on that continuum anyway...
0:42:00 > 0:42:03Are they chemically or structurally different, or is there...?
0:42:03 > 0:42:05Is it a societal thing? It's the eternal question, in some ways,
0:42:05 > 0:42:08about the difference between the different genders, right?
0:42:08 > 0:42:10But I am not an academic. I can't offer anything really,
0:42:10 > 0:42:13other than a data point, a small observation about the male brain.
0:42:13 > 0:42:15And this is not meant as a strength or weakness of the male brain.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17It is just a thing that it does.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20The male brain has a special state it goes into chemically, right?
0:42:20 > 0:42:22After a particular event.
0:42:22 > 0:42:26An event occurs and the chemistry of the male brain changes dramatically.
0:42:26 > 0:42:30The previous balance of hormones shifts violently away.
0:42:30 > 0:42:32What the male brain would be like before the event and the male brain
0:42:32 > 0:42:35after the event are really, really different.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38Most men probably can guess now what event I'm talking about at the moment.
0:42:38 > 0:42:40There's an event. Let's call it "the event".
0:42:40 > 0:42:43The happy event. It's a good event.
0:42:43 > 0:42:46The medical term in Ireland is "getting the ride".
0:42:47 > 0:42:49The male brain is awash with hormones constantly going,
0:42:49 > 0:42:52"Are you getting the ride, is there a ride here? Find the ride.
0:42:52 > 0:42:55"There must be a ride somewhere. Is this going to lead to the ride?
0:42:55 > 0:42:58"There's no ride here. Go over there, maybe there's a ride there."
0:42:58 > 0:43:00Constantly find the ride, right. Until you get the ride
0:43:00 > 0:43:02and then those hormones fuck off somewhere.
0:43:02 > 0:43:05And suddenly it's like being released from a hijack situation
0:43:05 > 0:43:07and you're walking around going "What the hell?"
0:43:07 > 0:43:10And you can see the universe as it truly is,
0:43:10 > 0:43:13including the hideous choices that you've made in the build-up to the
0:43:13 > 0:43:14ride you've just had.
0:43:14 > 0:43:18"Who the hell are you? What are we doing in this skip?
0:43:18 > 0:43:21"what's the fuck was I thinking for the last...?"
0:43:22 > 0:43:25It is like The Matrix being switched off.
0:43:25 > 0:43:28You genuinely see the universe as it is.
0:43:28 > 0:43:30If you want any truth from a man, ladies,
0:43:30 > 0:43:34you have five minutes after an orgasm to get everything you want
0:43:34 > 0:43:38out of him. Before the hormones come charging back in again
0:43:38 > 0:43:40and the game begins again.
0:43:42 > 0:43:45It is so pronounced, the chemical change,
0:43:45 > 0:43:48that I think companies that sell luxury goods, impulse purchases,
0:43:48 > 0:43:51should be required by law to take this into account.
0:43:51 > 0:43:54In other words, like, a man walks into a Porsche garage and he goes,
0:43:54 > 0:43:56"I want to buy a Porsche. Oh, I want to buy a Porsche."
0:43:56 > 0:43:58HE IMITATES CAR ENGINE REVVING
0:43:58 > 0:43:59The bloke in the garage should be obliged to go,
0:43:59 > 0:44:02"Well, we're the leading Porsche garage in the area,
0:44:02 > 0:44:03"I would love to sell you a Porsche.
0:44:03 > 0:44:06"But unfortunately, under new legislation,
0:44:06 > 0:44:10"I must first ask you to step into that little cubicle over there.
0:44:15 > 0:44:17"Have a little wank for yourself.
0:44:17 > 0:44:20Because guaranteed, three to five minutes later,
0:44:20 > 0:44:22the man will walk out and go, "I don't want a Porsche.
0:44:25 > 0:44:27"What was I thinking? I've no use of a Porsche.
0:44:27 > 0:44:29"How can I bring the kids to school in a Porsche?
0:44:29 > 0:44:31"It's a ridiculously impractical thing, to have a Porsche at my age,
0:44:31 > 0:44:36"for God's sake. Who are you? Where am I? Please, take me home."
0:44:36 > 0:44:39It gives clarity, a sudden burst of clarity.
0:44:39 > 0:44:41Clarity's the last thing you need when it comes to sex,
0:44:41 > 0:44:43or anything around sex.
0:44:43 > 0:44:47Oh, my God, the ludicrous shite that we have put around sex.
0:44:47 > 0:44:50Can I apologise to every woman in this room
0:44:50 > 0:44:54for the ridiculous nonsense that you have had foisted upon you
0:44:54 > 0:44:56in the name of what we find horny?
0:44:57 > 0:44:59Some of which you must only do because
0:44:59 > 0:45:02you think we like it on some ironic level.
0:45:02 > 0:45:05Like all this, "boo-boop-ee-do," shit.
0:45:05 > 0:45:08That they occasionally talk you into, because you think, "Ah,
0:45:08 > 0:45:10"this is a joke, isn't it?"
0:45:10 > 0:45:13And you're going, "Yeah, just keep fucking doing it."
0:45:13 > 0:45:16"No, but you're enjoying it on an ironic level."
0:45:16 > 0:45:19"Yeah, whatever. Just sing Santa Baby one more time."
0:45:21 > 0:45:26I mean, lingerie as an industry, it's just that - ridiculous clothing.
0:45:26 > 0:45:29Any time you're with the woman as she walks out in lingerie and goes,
0:45:29 > 0:45:33"Is this what you like, is it? Is this what you like?"
0:45:33 > 0:45:39You never feel more like an ape in a Simian research laboratory,
0:45:39 > 0:45:43as a kindly scientist from a superior species tries to fathom how
0:45:43 > 0:45:45your lower brain works.
0:45:47 > 0:45:49"Is this what you like, is it?
0:45:49 > 0:45:52"Show me on the flash cards, if this is what you like."
0:45:55 > 0:45:56"Banana, banana.
0:45:58 > 0:46:01"Tyre on rope. Tyre on rope. Banana, banana. Tyre on rope."
0:46:01 > 0:46:04I mean, stockings, for fuck sakes.
0:46:04 > 0:46:08An item of clothing both useless and incredibly specific.
0:46:08 > 0:46:11This is where the sexy is.
0:46:11 > 0:46:12This is where the sexy lives.
0:46:12 > 0:46:15This exact height here is where the sex is.
0:46:15 > 0:46:18Don't be going lower than that. Hang on, no, you've gone below the knee.
0:46:18 > 0:46:20Fuck off. Pop socks. No, no.
0:46:23 > 0:46:26Somewhere between this and this, it goes from, "Yes, yes, yes," to,
0:46:26 > 0:46:29"No, the worst thing you could possibly wear."
0:46:29 > 0:46:31"Oh, yummy, yummy, yuck, yuck, yuck!"
0:46:31 > 0:46:34"Please, stop it. All I did was put on a pair of slippers
0:46:34 > 0:46:37"and a housecoat and we'll call the whole thing off."
0:46:38 > 0:46:41How ludicrously specific is this?
0:46:41 > 0:46:43This is where the sexy lives.
0:46:43 > 0:46:45"No, no, back over the knee, over the, over the knee.
0:46:45 > 0:46:49"Oh, Japanese schoolgirl, loving it. Lovely.
0:46:50 > 0:46:52"French maid. Saucy.
0:46:52 > 0:46:54"No, you've gone too far, you've gone too far there now.
0:46:55 > 0:46:57"I said lift it up."
0:46:57 > 0:46:59"Is that not what you want me to do? I'm lifting it up."
0:46:59 > 0:47:01"No, back down again, back down again.
0:47:01 > 0:47:02"This is where the sexy lives.
0:47:02 > 0:47:05"This exact specific location is where the sexy..."
0:47:05 > 0:47:09What? What is it in men, communally, at some primal level,
0:47:09 > 0:47:11that makes them go, "Do you know what I like?
0:47:11 > 0:47:15"I like a woman who looks like she's been partially dipped in ink."
0:47:20 > 0:47:22Oh, we love it in nylon.
0:47:22 > 0:47:25Not so much in waders, it turns out.
0:47:25 > 0:47:28Otherwise, men would constantly be at the river banks during angling
0:47:28 > 0:47:31tournaments, going, "Look at them in the water.
0:47:31 > 0:47:34"Dirty fisherman!" "Do you like my waders, boys?"
0:47:37 > 0:47:40Entire industries based around being sexually attractive to men,
0:47:40 > 0:47:42that miss the point entirely.
0:47:42 > 0:47:45It must be a decade and a half since I've been in a pole-dancing club,
0:47:45 > 0:47:48but I remember looking at the girl swinging off on the pole,
0:47:48 > 0:47:52or clambering over the pole, or hanging upside down off the pole.
0:47:52 > 0:47:53And you're going, "Well done, pet.
0:47:53 > 0:47:56"That's very impressive.
0:47:56 > 0:47:59"Who are you doing that for, exactly?
0:47:59 > 0:48:01"I just want to look at you."
0:48:01 > 0:48:04I could revolutionise the pole-dancing industry with one move.
0:48:04 > 0:48:06Just stand next to the pole, take out one boob,
0:48:06 > 0:48:08bang it against the pole.
0:48:14 > 0:48:16That is all you need to do.
0:48:16 > 0:48:19We would be thrilled with that.
0:48:19 > 0:48:21Jesus, we could watch that all day.
0:48:22 > 0:48:25These super clubs, where there's three stages
0:48:25 > 0:48:29and Aurora's on one stage and Athena's on another stage
0:48:29 > 0:48:30and in the middle, Mary's going,
0:48:30 > 0:48:32"Why are you wasting your energy?
0:48:32 > 0:48:34"I take out one tit, bang it against the pole.
0:48:34 > 0:48:38"Look at that. Look at them, they're hypnotised.
0:48:38 > 0:48:41"They can't get enough of it.
0:48:41 > 0:48:43"I do that for one song. For the second song, put it in,
0:48:43 > 0:48:47"take the other one out, bang it over the other side."
0:48:47 > 0:48:49Ladies, you need to get your revenge.
0:48:49 > 0:48:53You need to find a thing which is as ludicrous as the stuff
0:48:53 > 0:48:57we've made you do, right? I know it won't be something you genuinely
0:48:57 > 0:49:00find erotic, but just pick a thing, pick a ridiculous item of clothing.
0:49:00 > 0:49:03Like a glove that goes up to mid arm.
0:49:03 > 0:49:06And suddenly announce that this is the sexiest thing
0:49:06 > 0:49:08you can see on a man.
0:49:08 > 0:49:11At every Christmas and birthday, give us another box and we'll go,
0:49:11 > 0:49:13"Hang on," and shake the box and open and go,
0:49:13 > 0:49:16"Is this another pair of these, is it?"
0:49:16 > 0:49:19And you'll go, "Put them on!
0:49:19 > 0:49:22"Put on your gun shows and give me a look at you."
0:49:22 > 0:49:24And then make us walk around the bedroom, going,
0:49:24 > 0:49:27"Is this what you like, is it? Are you sure this is what you like?
0:49:27 > 0:49:29"I'm not sure you find this sexy at all.
0:49:29 > 0:49:31"Do you really find this sexy?"
0:49:31 > 0:49:33"I love it! Now take something off the shelf over there."
0:49:33 > 0:49:35"Ah, fuck off, you're taking the piss now, right?
0:49:35 > 0:49:37"Are you sure this is what you want?"
0:49:37 > 0:49:39"Yes. Do it. Walk around the room. It's Mammy's night.
0:49:39 > 0:49:41"It's my turn. Do what I say, for once."
0:49:41 > 0:49:44"Are you sure? Can I at least put on the black ones?
0:49:44 > 0:49:45"The red ones make me feel slutty."
0:49:48 > 0:49:51"Do it. Now do the dirty thing." "I will not do the dirty thing.
0:49:51 > 0:49:54"This is enough for you now. You should be happy with this."
0:49:54 > 0:49:55"Do the dirty thing."
0:49:55 > 0:49:58"All right, I'll do the dirty thing, but don't tell anyone I did it.
0:49:58 > 0:50:00"Look at my elbows!"
0:50:02 > 0:50:04Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Dara O Briain.
0:50:04 > 0:50:08I walk to here, as if that's it, as if that's done.
0:50:08 > 0:50:10That's surely the end of the show.
0:50:10 > 0:50:12CHEERING
0:50:14 > 0:50:16I'm back again!
0:50:16 > 0:50:18CHEERING
0:50:20 > 0:50:22Oh, the nonsense of it all.
0:50:22 > 0:50:24And you're on again.
0:50:24 > 0:50:26I'm sorry, you've got to do that dance, it's weird.
0:50:26 > 0:50:27Did you see the hand just sitting there?
0:50:27 > 0:50:30Anyway, where were we? Oh, yeah, I'm going to tell you a story.
0:50:30 > 0:50:32I'm going to tell you a story and then you get on with your lives.
0:50:32 > 0:50:35About the Comic Relief thing, right. Did the Comic Relief thing.
0:50:35 > 0:50:37Was at pains to point out that at no stage was
0:50:37 > 0:50:40this like, "Oh, we're pushed to the very limits of our endurance and who
0:50:40 > 0:50:42"knows, we could have died at any stage. Oh, my God."
0:50:42 > 0:50:44Except we could have died at one stage.
0:50:44 > 0:50:47There was one day when they sent us down a section of river
0:50:47 > 0:50:49which was too fast. It was too high,
0:50:49 > 0:50:51it was just post the rains and it was technically difficult.
0:50:51 > 0:50:55There are rapids that go round rocks and there are rapids that go through
0:50:55 > 0:50:58trees. And through the trees ones are actually really dangerous,
0:50:58 > 0:51:00because Jack Dee's boat, for example, got caught,
0:51:00 > 0:51:03got punctured by the trees and he almost fell into the trees,
0:51:03 > 0:51:06where he would have been trapped and drowned. And then they pulled him
0:51:06 > 0:51:08out at the last minute. Right?
0:51:08 > 0:51:11I was in another boat with another guy at the back and it was a...
0:51:11 > 0:51:12Our safety boat disappeared off.
0:51:12 > 0:51:15We smashed into a tree, both paddles were lost.
0:51:15 > 0:51:17At one stage, I am in the water of the river,
0:51:17 > 0:51:20pulling the boat along, because the bloke with me was a British Olympic
0:51:20 > 0:51:22triple jumper who couldn't fucking swim.
0:51:22 > 0:51:24So, that was helpful.
0:51:27 > 0:51:29And then we found ourselves in this quiet spot,
0:51:29 > 0:51:32surrounded by this thrashing water, all going this one way.
0:51:32 > 0:51:34And we're going, "They can't come back up to us.
0:51:34 > 0:51:36"What the hell are we going to do?"
0:51:36 > 0:51:38And we brilliantly decided, "Well, do you know what,
0:51:38 > 0:51:41"we'll just push ourselves off. We've no paddles or anything,
0:51:41 > 0:51:42"but we'll push ourselves.
0:51:42 > 0:51:44"We'll get carried down to the bottom, because, you know,
0:51:44 > 0:51:47"It's a log flume. At some stage, halfway down,
0:51:47 > 0:51:50"there will be a flash and at the bottom,
0:51:50 > 0:51:53"we'll be able to buy a photograph of ourselves on a mouse mat,
0:51:53 > 0:51:56"looking petrified to shit."
0:51:57 > 0:51:59So, we go down, we hit every tree on the way down,
0:51:59 > 0:52:00I get thrown from the boat again.
0:52:00 > 0:52:02I end up having to swim over to a tree,
0:52:02 > 0:52:05which is sticking out of the water, and grab on to it, this thin tree,
0:52:05 > 0:52:08and hold on to it. For 40 minutes I'm holding on to this tree
0:52:08 > 0:52:10as the rapids are coming past me. For 30 minutes at least of which
0:52:10 > 0:52:13I'm trying to think of what the funny joke is I will say
0:52:13 > 0:52:16when I'm rescued. Cos I felt I had a professional obligation
0:52:16 > 0:52:19as a comedian to have a Bruce Willis quip ready.
0:52:19 > 0:52:21So, then I get rescued, they pull you out of the water and I go,
0:52:21 > 0:52:24"Come in number nine. Your time is up!"
0:52:24 > 0:52:26Then I thought, "Maybe I shouldn't do that, just in case I do that
0:52:26 > 0:52:30"and they immediately go, 'Jack Dee is dead.' "
0:52:31 > 0:52:33(Sorry.)
0:52:33 > 0:52:37I don't know. About after 40 minutes standing in the river,
0:52:37 > 0:52:40a camera boat did eventually come past and I had to jump to it,
0:52:40 > 0:52:42then I got saved and we're all gathered on the river bank
0:52:42 > 0:52:44further down at a quiet point, just getting our breath back
0:52:44 > 0:52:47after this ridiculous, unnecessary adventure.
0:52:47 > 0:52:49When I'm sitting talking to the sound man and he said,
0:52:49 > 0:52:51"You were gone for an hour. You were missing.
0:52:51 > 0:52:53"The paddles are gone. At one stage,
0:52:53 > 0:52:55"you have no boat for 40 minutes. Did you not panic?"
0:52:55 > 0:52:58And I'm going, "Do you know what, weirdly, I didn't panic."
0:52:58 > 0:53:00Clearly, this was a big deal, but my brain kind of went,
0:53:00 > 0:53:03"The problem's this big, so let's just think about this.
0:53:03 > 0:53:05"Let's just think about these 30 seconds.
0:53:05 > 0:53:07"As long as you're alive for this bit,
0:53:07 > 0:53:09"then it kind of doesn't matter how big the problem is.
0:53:09 > 0:53:12"Let's just worry about this and as long as you stay alive in this bit,
0:53:12 > 0:53:14"then the rest of it doesn't matter."
0:53:14 > 0:53:17And the man looked at me and said, "Oh, that's very interesting, Dara,
0:53:17 > 0:53:21"the way your mind works in a high-stress situation like that.
0:53:21 > 0:53:23"The way you managed to keep a lid on panic or any of those kind of
0:53:23 > 0:53:28"emotions, during what was clearly a very dangerous time,
0:53:28 > 0:53:32"because there was a camera on your helmet and I'm the sound man.
0:53:35 > 0:53:40"Would you like to hear a recording of yourself for the last hour?"
0:53:40 > 0:53:42And it is just an hour of me going, "Fuck, fuck, fuck!
0:53:42 > 0:53:44"Fuck, fuck, fuck!
0:53:44 > 0:53:46"Bluh, bluh, bluh, bluh!
0:53:46 > 0:53:48"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!"
0:53:55 > 0:53:58They took a picture of me at that point, holding on.
0:53:58 > 0:54:00There was a camera, a long-lens shot of me doing this.
0:54:00 > 0:54:02And they sent the picture back to the newspapers here,
0:54:02 > 0:54:04in the hope that people would see this and go, "Ah,
0:54:04 > 0:54:07"It's not just a jolly. They're genuinely doing some difficult,
0:54:07 > 0:54:09"dangerous stuff. So, do you know what, we'll donate more.
0:54:09 > 0:54:12"And that's the way it works. Good for them, they do great work."
0:54:12 > 0:54:15However, they also sent the photo of me hanging onto this tree to the
0:54:15 > 0:54:19newspapers in Ireland and they ran it big.
0:54:19 > 0:54:23The front cover of the Irish Independent was a big picture of me
0:54:23 > 0:54:26clinging to this tree, under the headline -
0:54:26 > 0:54:28"The Brits Have Tried To Kill Dara."
0:54:28 > 0:54:31LAUGHTER
0:54:36 > 0:54:39"When will this nightmare end?"
0:54:40 > 0:54:43My uncle in Limerick, the other side of Ireland,
0:54:43 > 0:54:46my 85-year-old uncle walks into a newsagents,
0:54:46 > 0:54:50sees this massive stack of papers with his nephew drowning in a river
0:54:50 > 0:54:53in Africa, and freaks out.
0:54:53 > 0:54:58Races home, rings his sister, my mother, my 83-year-old mother,
0:54:58 > 0:55:00and goes, "Oh, my God, Edna, what's happened?"
0:55:00 > 0:55:04Now, my mother's general attitude to peril and things I do on the
0:55:04 > 0:55:06television is essentially, "Ah."
0:55:09 > 0:55:12Which is to say, on some gut level,
0:55:12 > 0:55:16my mother never thought I went to Africa, still probably doesn't,
0:55:16 > 0:55:19thought I was in a studio in Shepherd's Bush and then computers.
0:55:19 > 0:55:20Right.
0:55:21 > 0:55:24So, she, liberated by this...
0:55:24 > 0:55:26When he rings going, "Oh, my God, Edna, what's happened?"
0:55:26 > 0:55:30My mother, on an instinct we had never noticed before,
0:55:30 > 0:55:32decides to fuck with this head.
0:55:34 > 0:55:41My 83-year-old mother decided to prank her 85-year-old brother,
0:55:41 > 0:55:44you know, for mega-lols.
0:55:47 > 0:55:49So, he goes, "Oh, my God, Edna, what's happened?"
0:55:49 > 0:55:52Her response, genuinely, was, "Jesus, Frank,
0:55:52 > 0:55:54"it's worse than you've heard."
0:55:56 > 0:55:58So, now he is reeling.
0:55:58 > 0:56:01My sister's in the hallway going, "What are you doing?"
0:56:01 > 0:56:03And she's there going, "Hee-hee-hee!"
0:56:03 > 0:56:06And she hits him with the killer line.
0:56:06 > 0:56:09Now, I don't think in parts of the UK they get how great this line is.
0:56:09 > 0:56:12If you're Irish, oh, you'll get this.
0:56:12 > 0:56:16In Ireland, this is a line that has resonance and darkness at times.
0:56:16 > 0:56:18He goes, "Oh!" And he's reeling.
0:56:18 > 0:56:22And my mother hits him with, "We're flying out tomorrow."
0:56:26 > 0:56:31Literally, isn't a darker thing you could say in Ireland.
0:56:31 > 0:56:35Centuries of immigration, bodies being returned,
0:56:35 > 0:56:37the tragic high cost of...
0:56:37 > 0:56:38And he is now, "Oh!"
0:56:40 > 0:56:43This poor image of his 83-year-old sister
0:56:43 > 0:56:46being rushed to Dublin Airport to get an emergency flight.
0:56:46 > 0:56:49The plane takes off and lands at Heathrow,
0:56:49 > 0:56:51she's transferred to the first flight to Africa, that takes off,
0:56:51 > 0:56:54it lands at Africa Airport, gets out...
0:56:58 > 0:57:01..gets an internal flight from there to Zambia,
0:57:01 > 0:57:03then she gets out and there's a twin-prop plane
0:57:03 > 0:57:05that the flying doctors would use.
0:57:05 > 0:57:08She's bundled into this and then flown low over the Serengeti,
0:57:08 > 0:57:09buzzing along over the landscape.
0:57:09 > 0:57:13Till she finds a flat patch of ground near a hut, a shack -
0:57:13 > 0:57:16the medical centre.
0:57:16 > 0:57:20And this little Irish woman, 83 years old, wearing the same coat,
0:57:20 > 0:57:23holding the same bag that she's been travelling with for the last 36 hours,
0:57:23 > 0:57:26is walked through this alien landscape
0:57:26 > 0:57:29into this room where there's a large figure lying on a trolley.
0:57:29 > 0:57:33And they peel back and they say, "Can you identify the body?"
0:57:33 > 0:57:35And my mother looks and goes,
0:57:35 > 0:57:37"Is that Al Murray?"
0:57:37 > 0:57:39CHEERING
0:57:44 > 0:57:47You're good people and it's nice to be able to just stand in front
0:57:47 > 0:57:50of you and go, "Thank you." Thank you for the many years
0:57:50 > 0:57:53you've come to gigs, to the shows you've watched on the television,
0:57:53 > 0:57:55and continue to support both me and other live comedy.
0:57:55 > 0:57:57But me, listen, I'm touched, I'm genuinely touched.
0:57:57 > 0:57:59It's such a privilege to perform in front of you.
0:57:59 > 0:58:02Genuinely, it is nice to be able to be sincere, just once.
0:58:02 > 0:58:04To be sincere... LAUGHTER
0:58:04 > 0:58:06Whoa, wait, whoa.
0:58:06 > 0:58:08We're having a nice moment.
0:58:08 > 0:58:10What happened there? It's like you all...
0:58:10 > 0:58:12You pulled back. Please, no.
0:58:12 > 0:58:15Ah! No, seriously, no, seriously.
0:58:15 > 0:58:18You people...
0:58:18 > 0:58:20No, seriously, no, I love you.
0:58:20 > 0:58:23Is that too much? Is that too much to say?
0:58:23 > 0:58:25No, you... How can I find...?
0:58:25 > 0:58:26Oh, hm. Oh!
0:58:26 > 0:58:29Many Bothans died to bring us this information.
0:58:29 > 0:58:32Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Dara O Briain, thank you very much.
0:58:32 > 0:58:35Pleasure and a delight. Good luck, folks.
0:58:35 > 0:58:36See you again. Goodnight!
0:58:36 > 0:58:39CHEERING