0:00:07 > 0:00:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Hello. I'm Patrick Kielty, and welcome to Delete Delete Delete,
0:00:18 > 0:00:21the show where, each week, my guests will be handing over
0:00:21 > 0:00:23their laptops and allowing me a chance to delve into
0:00:23 > 0:00:25their internet history
0:00:25 > 0:00:29to entertain, amuse and possibly blackmail them in the future.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33So, who are the brave souls who have actually volunteered to do this?
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Let's meet them.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38First up, a mad-keen West Bromwich Albion fan who,
0:00:38 > 0:00:39at night, often goes to sleep
0:00:39 > 0:00:41dreaming of his favourite footballers.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42It's Adrian Chiles!
0:00:42 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:50- Hello.- Thank you.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57And with Adrian, a mad-keen Chelsea fan who, at night,
0:00:57 > 0:01:01actually gets to go to sleep with her favourite footballer.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03It's Christine Lampard!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- Mwah!- How you doing?- I'm very well. Very well, thank you.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18- Thank you very much. Welcome to the show.- Thank you for having us.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20- You're looking very glamorous. - Am I? Oh, thanks very much.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24- And you're looking very glamorous too, Christine.- Thank you.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27So, look, guys, before we begin,
0:01:27 > 0:01:32- can we confirm that these are your laptops?- Yes, I can.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34We've nothing to hide. You've packed them yourselves?
0:01:34 > 0:01:39No-one has asked you to carry anything?
0:01:39 > 0:01:40- I think, yeah.- OK.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43So we're going to get into these in just a wee second but I guess
0:01:43 > 0:01:46we have to start with Christine Lampard - congratulations.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Thank you very much.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Thank you. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:50 > 0:01:51I know!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56It feels crazy. That's the first time I've heard it on the telly.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- How does it feel?- It feels really different!- Different?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00- Yeah, it does. - Different in a nice way?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Different in a lovely way. Yeah, it is. It's really nice.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06So, we've got to ask you guys, do you spend a lot of time online?
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Is that something...
0:02:07 > 0:02:09When I was asked to come on here, I revealed what
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I spent my time looking online and compared to what some people
0:02:12 > 0:02:15must look at, I just thought, "They're not going to have me on."
0:02:15 > 0:02:17"Who Do You Think You Are?" came and talked to me once
0:02:17 > 0:02:20about going on there, talking about my ancestry,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22and the woman looked fascinated for an hour.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I never heard from her again. And I called in, "What's happened?"
0:02:25 > 0:02:27She said, "Sorry, just absolutely nothing interesting."
0:02:27 > 0:02:29So, you know, I thought...
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I could have saved her that hour and told her that in the first place!
0:02:32 > 0:02:34LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- Oh, it's going to be like that, is it?- I didn't realise...
0:02:41 > 0:02:43You're on my turf now, Chiles!
0:02:43 > 0:02:45CHEERING
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I didn't think this was going to be like this at all!
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Apparently we're getting stuck in!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55So let's start with a website
0:02:55 > 0:02:57that both of you spend a little bit of time on.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Here it is. TripAdvisor.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Now, this is a site that hosts over 320 million reviews of hotels
0:03:04 > 0:03:06and restaurants and attractions.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09But the great thing about TripAdvisor is that being
0:03:09 > 0:03:12on your TripAdvisor, Christine, I can kind of see where you've been.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- Oh, right, yes.- And very, very varied, from New York...
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- Yes.- ..where Frank, of course, plays his footie...- Yep.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21..to your hometown of Newtownards. There's New York...
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Yay!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Yep. Yep.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I know that well.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34People think that TripAdvisor is harsh but, you know,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37really, here, in the old days, if somebody didn't like a restaurant,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39it wouldn't be there the next day. It was...
0:03:42 > 0:03:46"How was the scampi?" "You'll hear in the morning!"
0:03:46 > 0:03:49So how does the food compare in New York to Northern Ireland?
0:03:49 > 0:03:54- And remember where you are.- Yeah. Well, the food in New York...
0:03:54 > 0:03:58There are just so many places, obviously. Just millions.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I think you could probably eat in a different place
0:04:00 > 0:04:03every single day for the rest of your life there.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07But having said that, I think there's no place like home.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I feel very proud of coming back home
0:04:09 > 0:04:13and I bring lots of people home, who constantly say, "Wow!"
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I don't think they even were expecting it
0:04:15 > 0:04:17to be as good as it was.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I think we do food brilliantly in this part of the world.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Well, they bring those things, soda farls back...- Soda farls.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23AUDIENCE EXCLAIM
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- There was potato bread, as well. - Potato bread's another thing.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Oh, now you're talking!
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- Potatoes and bread!- Yeah.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35And something called fadge I had a long... Fadge?
0:04:35 > 0:04:36LAUGHTER
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- Fadge.- You had that a long time ago, did you say?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Has anyone heard of fadge, or have I dreamt that?
0:04:44 > 0:04:48- No, I had a girlfriend in Derry a long time ago...- Whoa!
0:04:49 > 0:04:52No, her mum gave me the fadge. I'm sure it was fadge.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I think I caught the fadge off a girl once.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02OK, so, Adrian, you're not a man shy to give his opinion on stuff,
0:05:02 > 0:05:06so I wasn't surprised to see that you'd left...
0:05:06 > 0:05:10some feedback in a hotel that you didn't quite feel
0:05:10 > 0:05:13met the standards of Adrian Chiles whenever you went to New York.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17When I say "feedback", you didn't actually leave the feedback on TripAdvisor.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19You decided to go all the way to the top
0:05:19 > 0:05:22and send an e-mail to the person that runs TripAdvisor...
0:05:22 > 0:05:24- You did not! - Mr TripAdvisor himself.- I did.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Well, yes, I was so irate. It didn't only didn't meet standards,
0:05:28 > 0:05:29it was just a stupid place.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32I mean, it was sort of reassuringly expensive.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35The rooms were tiny and impossibly trendy, so...
0:05:35 > 0:05:39And it was like an open-plan toilet in there, do you know what I mean?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42And I was in there on my own but even I didn't want, you know,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44to see the rest of the room while I'm sitting on the toilet.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47So, anyway, I let rip with an e-mail to Mr TripAdvisor.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50OK, so this is your firmly worded e-mail.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09"At 3am, I resorted to removing/destroying
0:06:09 > 0:06:11"any light bulbs I could get hold of.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13"They were as bright as Guantanamo."
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Oh, he's not finished! He's not finished.
0:06:17 > 0:06:23"Surely this is not cricket, as we say where I come from.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26"Sorry for my caustic tone but I'm tired.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38"Yours, Adrian Chiles."
0:06:45 > 0:06:48I've not heard back from them!
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Don't worry, Adrian, because you're not on your own.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56You're not the only traveller whose trip failed to meet expectations.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59These are genuine reviews on TripAdvisor.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02"There was a poo in the kettle."
0:07:04 > 0:07:06One star.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Another genuine review...
0:07:24 > 0:07:29Now, I'm not sure whether he thought Michael Barrymore was responsible for the pasties.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32So we've had a look at some of the places that you've been online.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Now we're going to have a look at some of the questions
0:07:35 > 0:07:37that you've been asking the internet.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39So we'll start with you, Christine.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53We're making that up. We're only kidding about.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58- These are your real searches. - Right, OK.- These are the real ones.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- Do you want to go back to the pretend questions?- Yeah, yeah.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Way more interesting than that, actually.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Yeah, it's a funny thing because Frank's two little girls,
0:08:08 > 0:08:12who I have, like, half the week, are just obsessed with,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14obviously, online, YouTube - anything at all.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16And the second that they're in the car, it's like,
0:08:16 > 0:08:18"Can I have your phone?" And it's...
0:08:18 > 0:08:22They're just completely obsessed at the minute with wrestling.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25So the little youngest one got into the car the other day and said,
0:08:25 > 0:08:29"Oh, my goodness. You have got to watch Rey on YouTube."
0:08:29 > 0:08:33And I said, "Rey who?" And she went, "Rey! Rey! The wrestler Rey!"
0:08:33 > 0:08:36"Where did this fascination with wrestling come from?"
0:08:36 > 0:08:39So I had to sit and watch all of these ridiculous...
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Rey wears this mask thing.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Do you know what Rey looks like, who Rey is?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46He can't spell his own name. I know that much.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48- That's true. This is... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51There he is. They're completely obsessed with this guy.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52That's not a wrestler.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54THIS is a wrestler.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Oh!
0:08:59 > 0:09:03- I'll show them that.- It's amazing that that's - what, 30 years ago?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06That was considered an athlete in Britain.
0:09:06 > 0:09:11- OK, we've got, "What age is Beyonce?"- Yes. They love Beyonce.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14They know every single word of every single song.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15It's just a complete obsession.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18When I started The One Show, I called her "Bey-onse" once.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22- I'd never heard of her.- Bey-onse! - The first time you see it, it's Bey-onse, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- How old is Bey-onse? - How old is Bey-onse?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Well, there should be a thing over the E, shouldn't there,
0:09:27 > 0:09:29for Beyonce? I would have known.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I remember looking at you, going, "Did you just say Bey-onse?"
0:09:31 > 0:09:33It was just... Where have you been?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35I'd get in a terrible muddle, sometimes,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- wouldn't know what guest... - Oh, yeah.- Who was that...
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Who was the actor we got on, the...
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- Morris... David... We got... - No...
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- It was David Morrissey.- Oh, no, it was David Morrissey but...
0:09:46 > 0:09:48It was David Morrissey but in my head...
0:09:48 > 0:09:50In my...
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Halfway through I said, "Are we going to ask him about Doctor Who?"
0:09:54 > 0:09:56"What you talking about?"
0:09:56 > 0:09:58"We've got to ask about Doctor Who."
0:09:58 > 0:10:02I thought everyone had forgotten he was on Doctor Who. It wasn't him I was thinking of. It was...
0:10:03 > 0:10:06It was David Tennant I was thinking of! Can you imagine?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08And I swear to God, that's the truth and I went,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10"Oh, that's the funniest thing!"
0:10:10 > 0:10:14And we'd been through meetings all day long
0:10:14 > 0:10:17and he clearly hadn't listened to one word anyone had said until
0:10:17 > 0:10:20we were live on the telly and he said, "Go ask him about Doctor Who."
0:10:20 > 0:10:23No, but I have... This keeps me up! I sweat about,
0:10:23 > 0:10:25that could have happened! I'd say, "Tell us...
0:10:25 > 0:10:28"I can't let you go without asking you about Doctor Who."
0:10:29 > 0:10:34"What about it?" "You know, you and the..." Oh!
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Oh, my goodness!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Christine sitting there thinking to herself, "What a Bey-onse!"
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Time to take a quick break from your internet history
0:10:47 > 0:10:51and instead see what else we can learn about your online life
0:10:51 > 0:10:55in the part of the show that we call Things The Internet Say About You.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Oh, dear! - Do either of you look yourselves up?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Adrian, is that something you would do? Do you ever check your name?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Absolutely not in a million years.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05You put anything up, I'm just going to go like this.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07HE ROLLS TONGUE
0:11:07 > 0:11:09What about you, Christine? Do you bother?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I haven't done it for a long time. I have done. But years ago.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15I just wouldn't... I wouldn't even begin to think about doing it now.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Did it wind you up, or did you just...
0:11:17 > 0:11:20No, I just very rarely would read anything that's real.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Or someone maybe has said something that's not terribly nice,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25and what's the point in reading it?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27So I haven't done it for a long, long time. I really, really haven't.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31- You're right, though. There is lots of random, ridiculous stuff up there.- Loads.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35- This one concerns both of you. - Right.- We'll start gently.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- "The hottest team on television." - That is random!
0:11:40 > 0:11:43We found this on the internet. This book, which is Presenting...
0:11:43 > 0:11:44- No way!- You're looking at...
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- This is a real book. You haven't seen this before?- No.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Someone has written a book about you guys, which is a double biography.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- I've never seen it.- Nothing? You've never seen this?- No.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55It's quite hard to get hold of. I had to get it online.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00When it turned up, it had actually come from Fife Library.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05If you... If you can get right in there...
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- Look underneath!- There it is. - The best bit.- Further down...
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Oh, further down? "Withdrawn."
0:12:11 > 0:12:15There's one little section in it here which is about you guys just...
0:12:15 > 0:12:17You didn't really get on, whenever...
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- Oh, yeah!- When you look at you guys now, you think,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- "They must have hit that off straightaway."- No.- Wasn't like that.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25It isn't that we didn't get on, but I just...
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I thought she was a bit of a...
0:12:27 > 0:12:31- Just be honest. Just be honest. - Adrian, I'll read you the quote.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33"At first," said Adrian,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36"I thought she was a dippy, nice-looking bird
0:12:36 > 0:12:40"and she thought I was just a miserable old fart."
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- It's a... - APPLAUSE
0:12:44 > 0:12:47That's not bad! That's not bad.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50I wasn't expecting that that would get around of applause!
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- So it got off to a bit of a shaky start?- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55No, he thought I was just dopey and, er,
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I just thought he was really rude to everybody.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01And then when we were in the studio, you used to think...
0:13:01 > 0:13:04You used to talk over me constantly and you just thought I was stupid.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07But because I'd worked in the studio and behind the scenes
0:13:07 > 0:13:11and I knew how it worked, I was able to pull him on stuff,
0:13:11 > 0:13:15so occasionally I'd say, "You're at the wrong camera, Adrian,"
0:13:15 > 0:13:17and then he would sort of come around to thinking,
0:13:17 > 0:13:21"Oh, she's not completely stupid and, actually, she knows
0:13:21 > 0:13:25"a bit more about our environment here than I do, potentially,"
0:13:25 > 0:13:28and I think that was when you started to allow me to speak.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I have to say, thanks for agreeing to come on,
0:13:38 > 0:13:42because the last time, I think, us three were on a show together, I...
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- SHE GASPS - Oh!
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- I gave out Christine's phone number. - Oh, my goodness!- I did.- You did.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- On The One Show. There it was. - Oh, there it is.- Yeah.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53It was in the mid-'70s, by that haircut.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01- This was...- That was the funniest thing. Do you remember us coming off the air?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I don't remember you laughing about it at the time, to be honest.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Oh, it was...- You didn't mean to, obviously, and it was
0:14:06 > 0:14:10because our birthdays were close and you were talking about being
0:14:10 > 0:14:12in London and a whole crowd of us getting together and we were...
0:14:12 > 0:14:16- We were trying to organise it.- I'm embarrassed even listening to this!
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- He wrote the number down and then, of course...- At the end of the show.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22And said, "Oh, look out, I've got your number," but held it up and, obviously,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25you can pause live telly nowadays,
0:14:25 > 0:14:27so I got about a thousand text messages.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32- Cos afterwards, we had to go on a long car journey - some awards, do you remember?- Yes, that's right.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33And I remember your phone - literally,
0:14:33 > 0:14:37- you must have had 500 texts. - Oh, I think there was even more.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Nice texts, thankfully.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41I know, and I went in to apologise, into your room,
0:14:41 > 0:14:42and the phone was just going,
0:14:42 > 0:14:46"Bippidy-beep, bibbidy-beep, bibbidy-beep,"
0:14:46 > 0:14:48and 99% of the texts were,
0:14:48 > 0:14:52"Hello, Christine, this is Barbara from Basingstoke.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53"I think you just need to know
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- "that he may have given your phone number out."- Yes. Yeah, yeah.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59And then you had 1% of just men in a beard with a pipe
0:14:59 > 0:15:01and nothing else, just going, "Call me."
0:15:03 > 0:15:06It was a bit more graphic than, "Call me."
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Now, there's actually...
0:15:08 > 0:15:11There's lots of stuff about you guys, also, individually.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Christine, here's what the internet says about you.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18I remember that.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24- Yeah, yeah. It did say that.- When did this happen?- This was when I...
0:15:24 > 0:15:25When we just started The One Show.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28It was on Wikipedia - exactly this -
0:15:28 > 0:15:30that I was married to Hunter from Gladiators.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- Let's have a little look at Hunter from Gladiators. Here he is.- Yes.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35There he is.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39A beautiful specimen of a man and I was supposed to have adopted
0:15:39 > 0:15:42two children with him and do you remember, they were called...
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- Meadow.- ..Meadow - well remembered. Meadow and Nbwaki.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- I swear to God, that is the truth. - I so wanted this to be true.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54- I know.- And whatever you married Frank, the vicar said,
0:15:54 > 0:15:57"If there's anyone who has any reason why..."
0:15:57 > 0:16:00And this man in a leotard with a giant cotton bud just turns up
0:16:00 > 0:16:02at the back of the church.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06This one - a little bit more sensitive.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I read so many things and heard
0:16:12 > 0:16:15so many things leading up to the wedding.
0:16:15 > 0:16:21The biggest one for me - and this actually really annoyed my mum and dad because it made me look awful -
0:16:21 > 0:16:25was the fact that I had booked about 25 different castles
0:16:25 > 0:16:27all over the place - do you remember?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30And there was already a wedding on that day
0:16:30 > 0:16:34and because I wanted the castle, I'd demand that I got this day
0:16:34 > 0:16:37and I paid for the bride to move her wedding to another day,
0:16:37 > 0:16:41I paid her mortgage off so that I could get the day in this castle.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I mean, it just made me out to be a complete...
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Are you allowed to say "bitch" at this time of night?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- You're allowed to say it, yeah. - Yes, it did. It was awful.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52My mum and dad really got annoyed and they let things flow over them
0:16:52 > 0:16:54quite a bit but they got annoyed with that, cos it just...
0:16:54 > 0:16:56It's just the opposite of what we are.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59But the day itself was fantastic?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Yes, yes, and I certainly don't think I was a bridezilla.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06We organised the whole thing in a matter of weeks. So I...
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- I think I was very relaxed. I was, wasn't I?- Yeah, it was...
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- It was... It was lovely.- I slept in on the morning of it and everything!
0:17:13 > 0:17:16I don't know whether you were relaxed but it was a great...
0:17:16 > 0:17:18It was a special thing to be at.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22I mean, obviously, for those two, but for me, for all of us...
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- There was a lot of dancing.- Keep digging, Adrian!- No, but it was.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- You were dancing and everything.- I wasn't, strictly speaking, dancing.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I shifted from foot to foot for a bit.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35And finally, Adrian, here's yours.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Please tell me this was true!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39"Adrian Chiles was almost the next James Bond."
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Well, this was...
0:17:41 > 0:17:45When I left university, I applied to join the diplomatic service.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I did the civil service exams, which I failed, actually.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49But then I got...
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I got a note saying,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54"There is other government work for which you might be considered."
0:17:54 > 0:17:56So I wrote back and I said, "Yeah, why not?"
0:17:56 > 0:17:59And then came about the longest interview I've ever had.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01It went on for two-and-a-half hours.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04It was kind of forensic. And at the end, she says,
0:18:04 > 0:18:06"I'm from British intelligence."
0:18:06 > 0:18:08And he said, "That's... That's MI5."
0:18:08 > 0:18:11I was allowed to tell my parents about it and I told them
0:18:11 > 0:18:13and then I heard my dad laughing and my mum looked nonplussed
0:18:13 > 0:18:15and it turned out she thought the woman said,
0:18:15 > 0:18:19"I'm not from British intelligence - I'm from MFI."
0:18:19 > 0:18:21APPLAUSE
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Time now to take a look at your social media.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Adrian, this is going to be a brief section for you,
0:18:33 > 0:18:37as although Adrian is on Twitter, this is his contribution to date.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Now, you haven't even bothered putting a photo on!
0:18:43 > 0:18:47- So that is officially you?- Yeah. Yes.- I'll have to follow you!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50I've only got that so no-one else can have that. There's...
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Would anybody else want that?- No.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56There's only twice I can remember in the last ten years being abused
0:18:56 > 0:18:59face-to-face, and it was a guy outside Chelsea
0:18:59 > 0:19:01and I was filming something and it was before a game
0:19:01 > 0:19:03and this guy just stood there and he went,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06"You are the most irritating man on television."
0:19:06 > 0:19:09And he just stood there, sort of, scowling at me.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11And I looked at him. I had three reactions.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14One was, "I'm going to cry. "Literally, I'm going to start crying."
0:19:14 > 0:19:18Two, "I'm going to beat you to a pulp."
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Third, I thought, "Well, fair play.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23"You've come and said it to my face -
0:19:23 > 0:19:26"you're not some keyboard warrior writing this."
0:19:26 > 0:19:30At least he'd had the nuts to say it to my face. Same thing happened in Manchester. It was New Year's Eve.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33In Manchester Piccadilly station, a bloke came up to me and said,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36"You're a fucking wanker, aren't you?"
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- That's awful!- And I went...
0:19:41 > 0:19:43.."Happy New Year to you, too."
0:19:43 > 0:19:47But, I mean, at least he had the balls to say it to my face, you know.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Look, I don't want to shake his hand but, you know...
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Well, you wouldn't - you're a wanker.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57That's true. Good lad.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- So, Christine, thankfully, you ARE on social media.- Yeah.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06And you're fairly active on Twitter. This is your profile.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09There it is - Christine Lampard, up in print,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11with a little blue tick and a lovely pic.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14You follow quite a lot of people. Who do you follow?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I follow all sorts of people.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Lots of young girls, actually, who maybe want to get into TV
0:20:19 > 0:20:23and they would tweet me and say, "Please follow me," and then I'd
0:20:23 > 0:20:25follow them and that sort of thing,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27so it kind of almost started like that, and then
0:20:27 > 0:20:30I would follow other people that I'm, kind of, interested in and so...
0:20:30 > 0:20:33And then as you got more famous, do you still follow those little girls?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- Yes. Yes.- Oh, you do? Good for you.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36We have little DMs and I've brought them
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- to shows with me and things, yes. - You're also on Instagram.- Yes.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Here is your Instagram.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44It's a bit more fun than Twitter, I think, these days, Instagram,
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- isn't it?- It is. It's where the cool kids hang out.- Is it?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- Well, I don't know what I'm on it. - It's an online community.
0:20:49 > 0:20:54There's over 300 million people and they share pictures and videos.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58My problem is, I'm not on Instagram but my missus is on Instagram.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02You know, whenever I'm in LA and I'm with her, and nobody knows me
0:21:02 > 0:21:05and, you know, we get pictures taken together and, like,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07people think it's Make A Wish.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- They do!- That's awful!
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Don't you say that! That's ridiculous!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Honestly, Americans go, "Oh, my God! Isn't she lovely?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19"She's taken that guy out!"
0:21:20 > 0:21:22That's awful!
0:21:22 > 0:21:27- This was something you put up recently.- Oh, yeah.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30That was our honeymoon and we were in Dubai
0:21:30 > 0:21:34and it was Frank and I and Frank's girls,
0:21:34 > 0:21:36and we came in on the first day
0:21:36 > 0:21:40and they had this incredible arrangement on the bed,
0:21:40 > 0:21:44all petals and all beautiful, and the girls adored it.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47So the guy that did it, he was this young guy.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51He honestly hardly spoke a word of English. He was just...
0:21:51 > 0:21:53I fell in love with him and so, every day, I'd say,
0:21:53 > 0:21:57"Thank you so much - that's beautiful. I really appreciate it."
0:21:57 > 0:22:00So every day because, I think, I made such a big thing of it,
0:22:00 > 0:22:03he would try and impress us even more the next day.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07So he came in with this alligator, crocodile thing one day,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09with one of the girls' little toys in its mouth,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11which I just thought was incredible.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14He had a whole family of elephants, the monkeys there,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16as you can see, and it was an exciting thing.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Every morning, the girls and I would go for breakfast and come in to see what he'd made for us.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23I just loved it. I thought he was brilliant, so...
0:22:23 > 0:22:26And is this something that you've maybe brought home with you?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29If, say, Adrian came to stay at Castle Lampard, would this be
0:22:29 > 0:22:33something that you'd put on Adrian's bed for him, to welcome him?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- Oh, my goodness! - She'd think of something.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Well, thanks to the good people at FoldingMagic.com,
0:22:40 > 0:22:45you can now learn these skills and try them for yourself at home.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49You too can learn to make these delightful towel origami creations
0:22:49 > 0:22:51in no time at all, with the easy to follow,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54step-by-step directions on these professionally produced DVDs.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Let your overnight guests know how much you care with these
0:22:57 > 0:23:00cute and cuddly creatures, and other amazing creations.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Go ahead - add that special touch to a guest room.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Add some fun to your child's next sleepover party.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Or even add a bit of romance for your own special someone.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Get ready to finally have fun folding laundry!
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Very good.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Here to help us tonight is towel artist extraordinaire
0:23:23 > 0:23:25and the owner of Folding Magic.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- On Skype, please welcome Mr John Pullum.- Whoo!
0:23:31 > 0:23:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- Hey, John.- Hey, Patrick. Hi, Christine, hi, Adrian.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- How are you?- All good. - Good, thank you.- Fantastic.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Where are you calling us from?
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Calling from Michigan,
0:23:41 > 0:23:45where it's freezing and snowy and horrible
0:23:45 > 0:23:48and, er, that's Michigan.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53So, can you tell us, how did you get into origami with towels?
0:23:53 > 0:23:58I started learning towel origami back in about 2007 and I made
0:23:58 > 0:24:02a DVD on it and sold thousands around the world, so people like it.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06If any of us would like to do towel origami tonight,
0:24:06 > 0:24:08what advice would you give to us?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Buy towels.- Buy towels?- And, er...
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Very good.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Thankfully, we do have some towels and, also, we have a bed.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- So let's bring on our towels and our bed.- Oh!
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- OK. Adrian, if you just want to slide up there.- Yep.
0:24:25 > 0:24:30- This is very Dubai, Christine, isn't it?- It's very Dubai.- Very Dubai.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32So, John, what would you like to show us tonight?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35I'm going to show you how to make the towel origami elephant.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38It's very, very cute. And I'm not going to use this one.
0:24:38 > 0:24:43- I will use...this towel. - How many towels do we need?
0:24:43 > 0:24:47You need two - one hand towel and one bath towel.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49We're going to start with the bath towel.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Adrian is basically taking up all the room on the bed there, so...
0:24:52 > 0:24:54All right!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I love you, John! You're great!
0:24:58 > 0:25:01You have to fold the towel into the centre.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02- I'll work down from this way.- Yes.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- And then you stop in the middle and you go onto the other side.- OK.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Rolling back.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09- You want to fold it. - Like that, yeah?- Lovely.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11LINE BREAKS UP
0:25:11 > 0:25:12- Hand towel.- Yes, hand towel.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Hold it with your one hand and with the other hand,
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- start twisting it towards the centre of the towel.- Right, OK.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23- So that the other side is like that. - That looks very Ku Klux Klan.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28And then you want to put your hand into that...
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Whoa!
0:25:31 > 0:25:35- Then you pull down. - That feels very wrong.- Oh, yeah.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- You have an elephant with a face. - My trunk's good. Look.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43All you have to do is twist it and give it a little squeeze.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- My trunk won't come up! - Mine's not absolutely brilliant.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49LAUGHTER Please! Please!
0:25:50 > 0:25:52The body back...
0:25:52 > 0:25:54- Yes.- Put it...
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- On top of that- ..right on top. - We've got some eyes.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Where do we pop the eyes?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Right on the front, where most animals' eyes go.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:08 > 0:26:11OK, so, we have three elephants. If you'd like to judge...
0:26:11 > 0:26:12What do we think?
0:26:12 > 0:26:16I think Christine's elephant is the cutest out of all of them.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18It's a bit floppier-eared.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19APPLAUSE
0:26:20 > 0:26:22And, not surprisingly,
0:26:22 > 0:26:24that means that Christine Lampard is the winner!
0:26:24 > 0:26:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- Thank you, John. - And keep your applause going.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30A big thank you to John Pullum.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:37 > 0:26:39OK, Adrian and Christine, you're not the only ones who've been
0:26:39 > 0:26:42looking at weird and wonderful stuff online.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Before the show, we asked our lovely studio audience
0:26:44 > 0:26:46what they've been looking at online
0:26:46 > 0:26:50and some were even willing to share their favourites with us.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55So we've got some here. Where is Jenny Spater? Where is Jenny?
0:26:55 > 0:26:56- Hi, Jenny.- Hey.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59What have you been looking at online that you'd like to share with us?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01It is called Animals With Casts.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05It's a bit sad but it's so, so cute.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Injured animals with casts?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- Oh, dear, yeah.- Injured animals with casts.- OK, this is a real site.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Let's have a look.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- Aw!- Oh, my goodness!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18It's actually so cute, you're almost happy they're injured!
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Isn't it? OK. Next one we've got...
0:27:26 > 0:27:30- Aw!- Now, that's someone who is very colour-coordinated.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32I'm not sure whether they bought the dog before the sofa.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Looks like towel origami again, doesn't it?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37It does look like towel origami!
0:27:37 > 0:27:41Is there any evidence that people are plastering up
0:27:41 > 0:27:44uninjured animals just to get on there?
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- I have no idea. No idea.- OK.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Thank you so much for sharing. Big thanks to Jenny.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Well, that is all we've got time for tonight.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Adrian, Christine, thank you so, so much.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- You can have your laptops back. There you go.- Thank you very much.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04A big thank you once again to my guests -
0:28:04 > 0:28:06to Christine Lampard and Adrian Chiles.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:10 > 0:28:14We will see you next time when I'll be sticking my nose into more
0:28:14 > 0:28:16celebrity laptops on Delete Delete Delete.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Until then, I'm Patrick Kielty. Goodnight.