0:00:08 > 0:00:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Hello, I'm Patrick Kielty,
0:00:17 > 0:00:20and welcome to Delete Delete Delete, the show where guests hand
0:00:20 > 0:00:22over their laptops and I delve into their internet histories.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Now, they tell me they've nothing to hide,
0:00:24 > 0:00:28but if they do, don't worry, I've agreed to do the decent thing
0:00:28 > 0:00:31and share it all with you on national television.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33So, who are these foolhardy souls?
0:00:33 > 0:00:37First up, we have a brilliant madcap comedian, whose audiences
0:00:37 > 0:00:40often wonder what on Earth goes on inside his head.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42So did I, but then, I saw what was on his laptop.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Please welcome, Jason Byrne!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:56And joining Jason, a woman known for her need for speed,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59though, unlike some presenters of a BBC car show,
0:00:59 > 0:01:02she's never punched an Irishman in the face whilst filming...
0:01:02 > 0:01:03LAUGHTER
0:01:03 > 0:01:07..although that could all change tonight. It's Suzi Perry!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- Hello!- Hello!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- Welcome to the show.- Thank you.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25So, before we begin,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27can we confirm that these actually are your laptops?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30- Yeah.- We'll start with Suzi.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Now, you tend to use the internet for what, is it work, is it play?
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Both, really.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38So, obviously work things, for research and boring stuff, which
0:01:38 > 0:01:41you don't want to know about because this show is meant to be funny.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- No, it's all right.- Is it?
0:01:44 > 0:01:48You're talking to Irish people. We just love anything miserable.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50I love it here. Everyone talks to you.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52So in the taxi today, I was coming back from doing
0:01:52 > 0:01:53a little bit of shopping,
0:01:53 > 0:01:57as you do, and the guy said, "What are you doing here in Belfast?"
0:01:57 > 0:01:59And I said, "Well, I'm appearing on Paddy Kielty's show."
0:01:59 > 0:02:02And he said, "Oh, so you must be really famous."
0:02:02 > 0:02:05And I said, "Well, no, I'm just a journalist from the UK,"
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- trying to just get on with the... - Play it down.- ..conversation.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11And he's looking in his rear-view mirror and I can see he's trying
0:02:11 > 0:02:14to work out if he recognises me or not, and then he starts going...
0:02:14 > 0:02:17and then two fingers, and I'm like, "Drive."
0:02:17 > 0:02:20So, he's going like this and he said, "You...
0:02:20 > 0:02:23"no, no, you look like the girl that does that motorsport on the BBC,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26"but she's older than you and wears glasses and she's a bit fatter."
0:02:26 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- Wow!- The cabs here...
0:02:33 > 0:02:36I mean, do you still let other people in the cabs here?
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Yeah, cab share.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Yeah, when I came to Belfast first, I got in at the station.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- I was playing the Empire - remember the Empire?- The Empire Club.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45And he went, "Yeah, no problem," and we just kind of sat there.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49So I was like, "What are you doing?"
0:02:49 > 0:02:52He goes, "Just waiting for a few more people.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- I hate that.- And I was going, "What are you talking about?"
0:02:57 > 0:02:59And he goes, "Well, there's only one of you.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03"We're not moving unless there's three people in the back of my cab."
0:03:04 > 0:03:09So, two strangers got in and we had to drop them off to their houses
0:03:09 > 0:03:12and then I got to the Botanic Road.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- You sure you didn't get on a bus?- No!
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Had you been drinking?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Can you imagine?
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Just on a bus behind the driver, "Botanic Road, please."
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Now, the first thing I look at,
0:03:27 > 0:03:32whenever I get nosy, is your most-searched internet sites.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Now, Suzi, probably no surprise, with you following Formula 1
0:03:35 > 0:03:38around the world, that many of the sites you check out
0:03:38 > 0:03:41are city guides, travel guides, stuff like this.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- Favourite place that you've visited?- I love Brazil.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44I went there last year.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47I mean, I've been several times before, to a race,
0:03:47 > 0:03:49but I managed to bolt on a ten-day holiday.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Because whenever you're round with the Formula 1,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54there wasn't time to actually see, was there?
0:03:54 > 0:03:55No, you go there and you see...
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- I'm going to do some serious stuff now.- OK.- So...
0:03:58 > 0:04:00That was brilliant, by the way.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03That was just, "Now Mummy's going to talk now for a second."
0:04:03 > 0:04:04LAUGHTER
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I'm not farting any more.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10So, yeah, you don't
0:04:10 > 0:04:13normally see anything other than the track and then you fly home, but if
0:04:13 > 0:04:16you've got two races back to back, you can tag a few days in between.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Anyway, last year I tagged on a holiday before we went to
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Abu Dhabi and it was really beautiful, it was gorgeous.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24How do you get on with your fellow presenters?
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Really good.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Obviously, it takes a while, when you're in that situation,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31to all trust each other, so it took us probably
0:04:31 > 0:04:35the first season to bond, if you're talking about David and Eddie.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Here's a little picture from the first series.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42SHE LAUGHS What was going on there?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I'm probably just trying to work out what he's saying.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Or what's going on with his hair.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48The other thing with Eddie is...
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Cos he had that stuck in, didn't he?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Did he?- He had hair implants.
0:04:54 > 0:04:59He wore a helmet most of his life and then he took it off
0:04:59 > 0:05:00and he had no hair.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04You probably can't say that because you work with him,
0:05:04 > 0:05:05but I don't know the bollocks.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12I mean, I couldn't give a shite if his hair's stuck into his head,
0:05:12 > 0:05:13but it is.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Isn't it? Definitely is, cos she's saying nothing.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19But his hair looks grey and natural and...
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Yeah, but it's glued... It's like implants into his head.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- No, it's not.- It is. - It's not implants.- Ah-ha-ha!
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- It's not implants. - It's not a full wig, is it?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- Oh, that'd be brilliant. - I'm not talking about Eddie's hair.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- Weeeeooooowww! Weeeeooowww! - LAUGHTER
0:05:35 > 0:05:38"Eddie, get back from the edge of the track."
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- HE MOUTHS - Oh, I love it, it's brilliant.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- That shall never go out.- It has to.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- I'm hearing that will go out.- Yay.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Brilliant.- That'll go out.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54So, look, Jason, Suzi gets to travel the world, er,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57you get to perform in lots of exotic locations, as well.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- Yeah.- Best crowds, best audiences?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02They're different everywhere I go, because I have
0:06:02 > 0:06:05to use the audience, get them up on stage and talk to them.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Before I went on stage in Darwin, the guy goes to me,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10"Have you been here before?"
0:06:10 > 0:06:13The stage manager. I went, "No. Why, what are they like?"
0:06:13 > 0:06:16He goes, "This is where you come if you owe loads of tax
0:06:16 > 0:06:18"or you've murdered someone."
0:06:18 > 0:06:20And he goes, "Best of luck."
0:06:20 > 0:06:25And I had to walk on, to literally people sitting there...
0:06:25 > 0:06:27You've gigged a lot in Australia
0:06:27 > 0:06:31and we actually did find this email that you wrote to an airline...
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Oh, yeah, I did.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34..on one of your Australian trips.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- Have you got it?- We do.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Mm!
0:07:08 > 0:07:09- He goes on.- Yeah!
0:07:25 > 0:07:27How fit do you want your people to be?
0:07:27 > 0:07:31I need them to be as fit as me. I want them sitting there like this,
0:07:31 > 0:07:33getting ready.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36So, when they said, "Are you willing to open the door?", I said yeah,
0:07:36 > 0:07:37and your man went "Yeah" and I went,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39"You won't be able to get over there."
0:07:39 > 0:07:41He goes on.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59OK, moving on, let's have a look at your social media profiles.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Now, I have been through your Twitter accounts and your timelines,
0:08:02 > 0:08:07both very, very active on there. Jason, you've got 56,000 followers.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Suzi, you've got loads. You've got 361,000.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13I joined Twitter really late, you know what I mean?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Somebody said you should do it to tell people about your gigs.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I went, "Oh, OK, I'll do it."
0:08:18 > 0:08:20So, you've tweeted 7,200 times.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- Which is nothing, is it?- No.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- No, it's really impressive. - What?- Oh, is it?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27However, Suzi has tweeted...
0:08:27 > 0:08:3042,000 times.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Wow, she's probably tweeting right now.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- What do you think I'm tweeting with?- I don't know.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37You were on the Gadget Show,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I'm sure you have loads of things in there.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40LAUGHTER
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Just sitting there...
0:08:44 > 0:08:48- 42,000 times.- That's a lot of rubbish, isn't it?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- It's a lot.- Do you tweet every day?
0:08:51 > 0:08:52I don't tend to tweet at weekends,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54unless I'm working, but I tweet something most days.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57So, you take the weekends off and you still have tweeted
0:08:57 > 0:08:5942,000 times. Suzi, to be honest with you,
0:08:59 > 0:09:04the only account that we could find that came remotely close to 42,000
0:09:04 > 0:09:09when we were having a look around this morning, was this account.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10LAUGHTER
0:09:14 > 0:09:17They have tweeted 38,800 times
0:09:17 > 0:09:20and there's two of them.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Oh, my God, it's amazing.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Oh, my God, but are they, like, your love children?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Because look...
0:09:26 > 0:09:27LAUGHTER
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Suzi, it's been said that the internet is nothing
0:09:37 > 0:09:42but people whinging and pictures of cats in underwear.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Now, would you say that your Twitter feed has helped change
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- that perception?- No.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50No. No, because Twitter is made for stuff like that, look.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54You don't strike me as that sort of crazy cat lady person.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Honestly, I'd rather spend time with cats than people
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- most of the time.- I suppose I'm more dogs, I don't know.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02But have you got a dog?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I've two dogs and one nearly died.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07He was dying, he had a heart murmur, he had flu and he was in bits,
0:10:07 > 0:10:11he wasn't breathing, but he was still trying to wag his tail.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14So now, there's nothing wrong with him, he's fully recovered.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16We don't even know how, cos the vet went,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18"He'll be dead in about three days."
0:10:18 > 0:10:22But I think dogs are so loyal that he didn't want to upset me by dying.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24LAUGHTER
0:10:24 > 0:10:26That's true. That's my logic. He was literally going,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29"I need to get better. I could upset Jason if I die."
0:10:29 > 0:10:32And now, he's running around and he'll literally run by you
0:10:32 > 0:10:34going, "I'm all right now."
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- Cats wouldn't care. They'd just die, wouldn't they?- Yeah.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39- Oh, yeah.- A cat would die to...
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Just to spite you.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Yeah, and then it'd bring itself back alive for a minute
0:10:44 > 0:10:47and then just do that and then die again.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50You don't think that your wife, when you're away on tour one day,
0:10:50 > 0:10:54the dog actually died and she replaced it with a lookalike dog?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- Oh. - LAUGHTER
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Oh, God, yes, well done!
0:10:59 > 0:11:02He's all right, I don't mind.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06And they look the same. She did a good job.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Four legs, tail.- As long as she doesn't do it with the kids.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13- That'd be a bit weird.- Now, Jason, you follow some interesting people
0:11:13 > 0:11:15on the old Twitter machine.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18There's one in particular that seems to catch your eye.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- It's this guy. - Ah, he's great.- Tony Robbins.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24OK. Tony Robbins is, like, a life coach in America.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26With the big chin and the huge teeth.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- He's probably the world's most famous life coach.- Yeah.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32This is the type of stuff that Tony tweets.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Let's see another.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53What is he talking about?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56If he was doing a show here, that's exactly the face of...
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Everybody in his audience in Ireland would have been just going, "Eh?"
0:12:00 > 0:12:04He's hilarious. I just love him because he's so positive.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I'm Irish and we're raised like this.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11And that's why nobody here knew who he was.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17We live off our misery and begrudging...
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Cos that's why there's so many brilliant plays
0:12:19 > 0:12:23and writers and actors and everybody here, because of that.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Imagine if we were all happy,
0:12:24 > 0:12:26we wouldn't have a play out of us at all.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Do you know what I mean? I mean, that's like when you go to
0:12:29 > 0:12:31a sing-song at a house in Ireland it's all a bit,
0:12:31 > 0:12:35# The famine and the death and the death and the famine
0:12:35 > 0:12:38# The dying, the death and the misery
0:12:38 > 0:12:40# The cloud and the shite and the shite and the cloud. #
0:12:40 > 0:12:44- People started clapping then.- I know, yeah.- People were joining in!
0:12:44 > 0:12:47People were joining in!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51OK, while digging through your internet histories,
0:12:51 > 0:12:55I found that you're both pretty keen online shoppers and you don't
0:12:55 > 0:12:58just shop online, you also sell a little bit of stuff online.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Jason, you've released a number of stand-up DVDs, which can be
0:13:01 > 0:13:05bought online, and, Suzi, you've also got a DVD out, is that correct?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- No.- Well, let's have a look.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12This is the Suzi Perry 1,800 Pictures Collection.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14This is on eBay.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17What?!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20It's basically for a stalker on a budget, really, isn't it?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Did you know that existed?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- No.- Oh, my God, this is mental.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27But he has missed a trick, because without looking
0:13:27 > 0:13:31too far, I can tell you that we also found this.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34A signed Suzi Perry picture...
0:13:34 > 0:13:36What?!
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- £49.99.- Wow. Is that your autograph?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- Yeah.- Oh, so he must go where you are and just get you to sign.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Oh, now you're trying to introduce him as a stalker.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Well, he must be.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- Well, all stalkers have carrier bags.- Really?
0:13:49 > 0:13:50- Yes.- They smell.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56They always smell and they have cameras with film in them.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59And they always wear strange clothes
0:13:59 > 0:14:01and they usually have glasses on.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02LAUGHTER
0:14:04 > 0:14:08So, 1,800 pictures, unsigned for £2.50.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- Once we get one signed... - Yes.- ..it's £49.99.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14This is a business op right here.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17So, look, I was just wondering
0:14:17 > 0:14:20if you could just sign that for me.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23And it's proof, on telly, as well. It has the...
0:14:23 > 0:14:25If could just sign that. Don't sign it to me.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- Just sign it. - No, and don't do your face.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- They go mental when you do that. - Look how old that picture is.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- That was 20 years ago, surely. - No!- No!
0:14:33 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I'm not having that!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Well, it's really worth money now.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I've just got another one.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49And I've got another one there, could you just do that?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- That's 150. - So, if we actually bought
0:14:51 > 0:14:57the 1,800 pictures at £2.50... I mean, that's 90 grand.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- Jesus.- Just get stuck in there.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- Right. Can I Give these back to you? - You can give me those back.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06That's a good sport, there we go. Give Suzi a round of applause.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07APPLAUSE
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Now, one of the biggest online phenomena is of course
0:15:13 > 0:15:17the viral video. Named virals because they can be very contagious
0:15:17 > 0:15:20and, for some of them, you may need a handkerchief.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Suzi, this is your favourite clip.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26MAN MIMICS RACING CAR ENGINE
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Wait, wait, look, look.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Look! Pit stop!
0:15:54 > 0:15:56That is class.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58That is what the internet is for, isn't it?
0:15:58 > 0:15:59That is absolutely brilliant.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Blokes just having a ball on the beach, Formula 1.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I thought it was fantastic.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Have you been to the beaches in Ireland in the summer?- No.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10My dad always had his holidays at the same time every year
0:16:10 > 0:16:12and no matter what the weather was,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15we had to get on the beach in our underpants, run around in the rain,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18eating sandy sandwiches, with you crying and your mother
0:16:18 > 0:16:24just going, "Enjoy yourself, it's the holidays, you selfish bastards."
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Your dad wouldn't be there.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27He'd be in the pub with the rest of the dads.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Do you know what I mean?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31The dad only came down to put the windbreaker up.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Oh, by the way, we need shelter on our holidays.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36We'd have to dig in.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Unbelievable.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Now, you can tell a lot about a person by what
0:16:42 > 0:16:44they know, but you can tell even more by what they don't
0:16:44 > 0:16:46and have to ask the internet.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Suzi, we're going to start with you.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Here's some of the internet searches that you made that caught my eye.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55- Oh!- Things that Suzi has asked the internet.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00Chickens - do they have to have a cockerel to lay eggs?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03So, this is because we were talking about keeping chickens, cos we live
0:17:03 > 0:17:06on the side of a mountain and because we've got some space.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09And I said, "I don't want a bloody rooster every morning waking me
0:17:09 > 0:17:11"up at five o'clock.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13"Do you have to have a rooster if you have chickens?"
0:17:13 > 0:17:15And we ended up having this conversation...
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- You're from the city, aren't you?- I know, I a!
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Do limes come from a lemon tree?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Because...
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- This is great.- No.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Because we've got lemon trees.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29I'm suggesting that this isn't a very successful farm.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Little lemons look like limes and someone said to me,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36"No, but first of all, they're limes and then,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39"when they grow up, they become lemons."
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- And you believed that? - No, I didn't believe that.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43That's why I put that in to ask the internet
0:17:43 > 0:17:45and I said that's ridiculous.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47What do donkeys eat?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Well, you should know the answer to this.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51You Irish paddy.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53No, because he had a donkey.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- You did not.- I did.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- When you were a kid?- Yeah. I did.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00- I had a pet donkey. - Oh, you are such a blagger.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- Did you really have a donkey? - A pet donkey.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- I had a pet donkey.- A pet donkey?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08My dad bought us this donkey and he was called Barney
0:18:08 > 0:18:13and my granny and granddad, they kept the donkey over in a field
0:18:13 > 0:18:18outside Dundrum and we found out that Barney had died.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Then, about ten years later, my granddad died
0:18:21 > 0:18:24and we were at the Irish wake, and it gets to about 12 o'clock
0:18:24 > 0:18:27and there's only the men left and they said, "Oh, remember the time
0:18:27 > 0:18:31"he held your man over the quay and he said, 'Say sorry.'
0:18:31 > 0:18:33"Oh, do you remember the time he rode the bike to Mass
0:18:33 > 0:18:35"and forgot it and walked home?"
0:18:35 > 0:18:38"Remember the time he killed the donkey?"
0:18:38 > 0:18:40LAUGHTER
0:18:42 > 0:18:46And apparently, what happened was we actually used to tether
0:18:46 > 0:18:51the donkey in the field and the donkey would graze and he was
0:18:51 > 0:18:55doing this like this and he had the club hammer and Barney was behind
0:18:55 > 0:19:02him, and he did this, and the hammer flew off and hit Barney stone cold.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Sparko. Gone.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I didn't say there was a happy ending.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- Oh, my God. - And we were sitting there,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15with my granddad laid out and we were looking at him
0:19:15 > 0:19:19and were starting crying, "You bastard, you killed our donkey!"
0:19:19 > 0:19:21You can share in MY donkey.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Have you got a donkey?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Well, no, it's not my donkey,
0:19:24 > 0:19:27it's just I woke up one day and....
0:19:28 > 0:19:32..and outside the front door was a donkey and my husband.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36We actually have this.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Here's when the donkey turned up.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- There's the donkey. - There's the donkey.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- No, look.- You see? And what's the donkey called?- Donkey.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45LAUGHTER
0:19:45 > 0:19:47How long ago was this?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49This is a couple of weeks ago.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- So, he is in your garden?- Yeah. - Do you have a shed or anything?- No.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I would let him roam free.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58I would suggest not trying to tether that.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01So, Suzi, you love donkeys and you also love speed,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- so here is a little treat for you.- Oooh!
0:20:04 > 0:20:07This is one of my all-time favourite online clips that
0:20:07 > 0:20:10features both of your loves.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15The scene is set now for, er, our Castletown donkey derby.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19There's a fine massive crowd here now today at Castletown derby.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21They're all out in their colours. They're all pints of beer.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25I hope they're bringing the glasses when they're finished.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Seany...
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Seany is there, he's sponsoring this.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32He's putting up the £40, Seany McGilligan.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Castletown Motors, a very good sponsor.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Oh, my God.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38They're off now.
0:20:47 > 0:20:52And there's no way that Percy would pass, because...
0:20:54 > 0:20:56..Percy had other things on his mind.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- Formula 1 needs him. - Formula 1 does need him.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07"Ah, Jayzus, how are you getting on?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10"Here we are at Monaco. Jayzus, it's Lewis! Jayzus, Lewis
0:21:10 > 0:21:14"coming up the outside! Jayzus, here's...
0:21:14 > 0:21:18"Can you bring the glasses in, lads? Bring the glasses in."
0:21:18 > 0:21:19So, Jason,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22you also asked the internet a lot of questions.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25You're basically a three-year-old, aren't you?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28You're just one question after another, making no sense whatsoever.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Is space real?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Where was tarmac invented?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35RU taller in the morning?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Are you lighter after a shit?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Biggest anything in the world. Smallest anything in the world.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Oh, and there's more, there's more.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Mother of divine hell!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12What is going on in your mind, man?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Man, I can think of those questions every second.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19- Sex after 40.- Yeah, cos I'm 44 now.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I was wondering.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24They're tougher, our wives, after 40 and 60 cos,
0:22:24 > 0:22:28you know, men tend to have a certain smell off them
0:22:28 > 0:22:32when they get older and that's basically their insides rotting.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38So it's tough for women when you're breathing on them, huurrrrr,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42and she's going, "I can smell your liver."
0:22:42 > 0:22:45"Jeez, you're literally dying on top of me."
0:22:45 > 0:22:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:50 > 0:22:53OK, let's take a break from your internet
0:22:53 > 0:22:56history now and see where else you crop up online, in a part
0:22:56 > 0:23:00of the show that we like to call Things The Internet Says About You.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- Oh, God.- Oh, Lord. - Suzi, let's begin with you.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08- Some weird and wonderful things up there.- OK.- We found this.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- Were you?- No.- Oh.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- Where did this come from? - I don't know.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19I've never been a magician's assistant.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- This is all over the internet.- It's not, is it?- It really is, yeah.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Did you put this up?
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I would have liked to have been a magician's assistant
0:23:27 > 0:23:29when I was younger but no, er, no.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- I've never done that. Never.- Now please tell us that this is true.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- I do know about this. - Oh, it's true.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Would you not have known his surname when you married him?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46I do remember this. I think it was Wikipedia.
0:23:46 > 0:23:52It said that I got divorced from Top Gear presenter Steve Berry
0:23:52 > 0:23:56because I didn't like being called Suzi Berry-Perry,
0:23:56 > 0:23:58which is obviously nonsense.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01OK, moving on. Jason, I saw that you've been spending a little
0:24:01 > 0:24:03bit of time on this website.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Oh, there he is.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08This is jasonbyrne.com
0:24:08 > 0:24:11but this is not you, is it?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14No. It's like a freaky magician fella.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16This is actually Las Vegas magician...
0:24:16 > 0:24:17- He's in Las Vegas.- ..Jason Byrne.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19- Look at him.- There he is.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- Oh, my God.- We've got this one.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- Different colour bird. - He likes birds.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- And we've got this one.- Look at it.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Now, Magic Jason Byrne has been in touch with you, hasn't he?
0:24:32 > 0:24:36He said, Stop doing magic. People think that you're me, right?"
0:24:36 > 0:24:39I do stupid magic, kind of like the way Tommy Cooper used to,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42doesn't make any sense at all. And then I have people up going,
0:24:42 > 0:24:45"This is the worst magic I've ever seen in my life."
0:24:45 > 0:24:48So, Magic Jason Byrne contacted you.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- Did you reply to him?- No.- Why not?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Oh, I just... I don't know.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- That's bad form, Suzi, isn't it? - That's very rude.- Oh, OK, well...
0:24:57 > 0:24:59And on this show we like to put things right,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- so please welcome, all the way from Las Vegas...- Ah, no way.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04..via Skype, it is magician Jason Byrne.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06APPLAUSE
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Oh, my God!
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Ah, dude!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Jason, welcome to the show.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Thank you, good to be here.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Is there anything that you would like to say to
0:25:20 > 0:25:26Irish Jason Byrne, who has ignored your messages all of these years?
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Well, that's OK. I understand. Busy, busy.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- Working.- Aw!- He's so sweet.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35He's so nice, I feel shit.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36You ARE shit.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Hey, Jase, sorry I didn't contact you...
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Do you live in Vegas?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I'm in Vegas, so when you come out here,
0:25:43 > 0:25:46you got to look me up here and we gotta connect.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48I'll take you out on the town.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Jason, you know Byrne is a very Irish name, that B-Y-R-N-E?
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Are your parents Irish?
0:25:52 > 0:25:56A quarter Irish, quarter Scottish, half Slovenian.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59You see, it's very, very different when you just add a little
0:25:59 > 0:26:02quarter of everything. Like, George Clooney is a quarter Irish.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06Wayne Rooney, three-quarters Irish.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07LAUGHTER
0:26:08 > 0:26:12You just add a little bit more Irish to the mix, Jason, I mean,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14it can go very badly wrong.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16But I can tell you're a handsome man, you're a quarter Irish.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Do we think that there could be a future for you guys as a double act?
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Oh, man. Jase, if I could do a magic trick with you... Oh, man.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Well, the thing about your magic tricks, Jason,
0:26:28 > 0:26:29is that they're not magic.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33But Magic Jason Byrne can actually perform magic, so would it be
0:26:33 > 0:26:36possible, Jason, for you to do a trick for us this evening?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39I'm ready. I'm prepared to do something here now.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41- Would you like an assistant?- Sure.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43I think we could probably use an assistant.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47So, Suzi, if you want to pop that on. There we go.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51- Finally, a magician's assistant. - Oh, my God.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54I'll also pop on my magician's assistant.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57You look like shit snooker players.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02- And if you just want to pop that on.- Oh, no!
0:27:03 > 0:27:06All right, we're ready, we're ready to go.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09OK. Jason, name any card.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- Six of hearts.- Six of hearts.- Yeah.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16OK, now, you didn't know this, but before the show started
0:27:16 > 0:27:18I made a prediction.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21- Ah, no.- Digging the cards out.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23I'll spread them all out for you.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27- You'll notice there's one card with its back..- Shut up!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Ohhh!
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Come on! What?
0:27:40 > 0:27:43And that, ladies and gentlemen, is magic.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Give it up for Magic Jason Byrne.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Thank you.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Hey, I'll stay in touch, Jase. I'll stay in touch.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Well, that's all we've got time for tonight.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Guys, thank you so much. Here are your laptops back.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01Well played. Thanks for sharing your internet lives with the nation.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03You are now both free to go home
0:28:03 > 0:28:06and explain yourselves to your family and friends and your donkeys.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Let's hear it once again for Suzi Perry and Jason Byrne!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:13 > 0:28:16I'll be back next time, rooting around the online
0:28:16 > 0:28:19bottom drawer of more special guests on Delete Delete Delete.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22I'm Patrick Kielty. Thank you very much. Good night.