0:00:15 > 0:00:18Hello, I'm Patrick Kielty, welcome to Delete Delete Delete,
0:00:18 > 0:00:19where our guests give me the passwords
0:00:19 > 0:00:21to their laptops and invite me
0:00:21 > 0:00:25to have a cyber nosy to see what they've been getting up to online.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27It's basically Poirot meets PC World,
0:00:27 > 0:00:29so let's hope they've nothing to hide.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32First up, an award-winning comedian who recently appeared on
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Drunk History where he was invited to get completely plastered and then
0:00:36 > 0:00:39go on and on about the past, which is a dream job for any Irish man.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Please welcome Andrew Maxwell!
0:00:42 > 0:00:45CHEERING
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Next up, a star of Man Down and Live At The Apollo.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54She is a woman who says her biggest challenge in life
0:00:54 > 0:00:56is to convince people she's not entirely mad,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59and having seen what's on her laptop, good luck with that.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Please welcome Roisin Conaty!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03CHEERING
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- Hello.- Hello.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14And, finally, a celebrated actress of stage and screen
0:01:14 > 0:01:16who's done everything from Mount Pleasant to Shakespeare.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19According to Wikipedia, she's also spent three years on Loose Women
0:01:19 > 0:01:21but, hey, haven't we all?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23It's Sally Lindsay!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25CHEERING
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- Hello.- Hello.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36- So thank you very much, guys. Welcome to the show.- This is lovely.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37- This is very nice.- Very nice.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- Now, Roisin, you're of course... It's a very Irish name.- Yep.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- Accent not so Irish.- Nope.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46I was born in London, my parents are both Irish.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48My mum's from Cork and my Dad was from Cavan, so, yeah.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- That's hence the name. - Mixed marriage.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- Mixed marriage! - That's a mixed marriage.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57So exotic. You move all the way to London
0:01:57 > 0:02:00and then you marry an exotic lady from Cavan.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Now, before we start, can we confirm
0:02:12 > 0:02:16that these are your laptop and electronic devices?
0:02:16 > 0:02:17- Yeah.- Yes.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19And so the big one belongs to?
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Me.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Of course it does. And this is just... Everything's done on this?
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Everything's done on that.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28It's a bit grubby, I wish you wouldn't show it so much.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I was going to say, where has this been kept?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34It's been in my make-up bag a lot of the time.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- Where else do you keep them? Come on.- Yeah!
0:02:36 > 0:02:39My laptop just sits at the bottom of me bag until I'm going away again.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41But it's really clean looking.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Well, it's been given a wipe.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48It hasn't been given the wipe it requires, Andrew, let me tell you!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Now, we'll start, guys, with your social media.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- You're all on Twitter. - M-hm.- Yep.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Now, you've all got thousands of followers.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Roisin, are you on that for work, for pleasure?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01I'm on it to work really, promoting when I'm gigging,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03or what I'm doing sort of thing, you know?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06But I follow lots of people, so, yeah, I enjoy it.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Andrew, you describe yourself on Twitter as a comedian,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- a father and a lover.- Yes.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13- Do you use...?- Yes!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Do you use the Twitter machine in that order?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Yes, I think so, yes.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I'm mostly a comedian on there.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23My eldest child is now a teenager, he's now following me on Twitter.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Oh, wow!- Yeah, yeah.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30He actually rang me the other day and went, "You misspelt something."
0:03:30 > 0:03:33So hard having a teenage son.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37He's 15. They get to a point where they stink.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Just as they're on the turn.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46As their voice breaks.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Yeah, just then and you go to give them a hug and they just stink.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- They stink! It's gamey, it's gamey. - Aw!
0:03:55 > 0:04:00Like there's a fox in the back yard. Aw!
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Sally, you have tweeted almost 12,000 times.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Oh... I know everyone's going, "Do go on, Sally.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- "We're so interested in what you're saying."- That is prolific.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I've been on it for quite a long time.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13It was when we started filming Mount Pleasant about six years ago
0:04:13 > 0:04:16and my husband said, "You have no presence at all
0:04:16 > 0:04:18"unless what people have made up of you online." So I thought,
0:04:18 > 0:04:22"Oh, I'd better do this modern age with these young modern people."
0:04:22 > 0:04:25So I went on Twitter and I got a bit obsessed with it, to be honest.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- And do you follow each other?- Yeah.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- Oh, we definitely will. - Literally.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Now that I've known she knocks out 12,000 tweets, I'm involved.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I don't so much mind the volume - if somebody tweets a lot, that's
0:04:37 > 0:04:39fair enough, some people tweet a lot, some people don't.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42The one that gets on my wick is people like... How do you have
0:04:42 > 0:04:45this many opinions about everything?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Since you've come on you've given us nothing but opinions
0:04:48 > 0:04:50and then you say, "I hate these people!"
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- My God!- Well, you know what I mean.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59People who are angry about every possible issue.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01You just think if every tweet cost a stamp
0:05:01 > 0:05:03you'd have a lot less opinions.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08If you're really angry at me for something I've said on stage
0:05:08 > 0:05:10get all five local newspapers,
0:05:10 > 0:05:14sit down, cut them all out and send me a death threat.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Put the effort in.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20You telling me you don't like me in a tweet
0:05:20 > 0:05:23and then the next one's, "I had a lovely cake, yum, yum."
0:05:24 > 0:05:26How am I supposed to feel?
0:05:26 > 0:05:30I feel like you don't really want to kill me.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Now, you all tweet fairly regularly,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35but I was really interested to see who tweets you.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Now, Sally, you were contacted by someone who had a particular
0:05:38 > 0:05:41interest in something you were wearing.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43It says, "Hi, Sally, I'm wondering if you still have
0:05:43 > 0:05:45"these leather trousers.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46"You look so gorgeous in here."
0:05:46 > 0:05:49So this guy wanted to buy them, but you obviously hung onto them.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- Oh, God, I haven't got them now I don't think.- No?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- No. Have you found them? - No, we haven't found them, no.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Is it like Surprise Surprise?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58So how many episodes did you end up doing in Corrie?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- You were there for?- I was there for five years in the end.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03So I left, yeah, quite a bit ago now.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05But, yeah, it was a brilliant time.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I loved it. It was absolutely amazing. Great time.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Andrew, has anyone ever shown any interest in your online outfits?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- What do you mean? - What about this little ensemble?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Oh, yeah!
0:06:17 > 0:06:19He's got them on! He did have them.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25From Altitude, our comedy festival out in Austria,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28and the town... The town just went,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- AUSTRIAN ACCENT:- "We would like to give you your own lederhosen."
0:06:31 > 0:06:32I went, "Fantastic!"
0:06:32 > 0:06:35The first time I put them on as a joke, like, "Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
0:06:35 > 0:06:37And then, oh!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Wow!
0:06:39 > 0:06:43And there's no pants involved, it's just man and leder.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Do you ever leave the T-shirt off?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Sometimes, yeah. Sure, why not?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- Every wife deserves a treat. - There you go!
0:06:56 > 0:07:01It very much looks like it could be from a website alpineswingers.com.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06Oh, but I'm telling you, Patrick, Patrick, the comfort!
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Oh, it's like being cupped by a chamois hand.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- What's a chamois?- Chamois leather - you do your windows with it.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Chamois leather, it's what you polish things with.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Now, Roisin, whenever you're on Twitter you're very honest,
0:07:28 > 0:07:32which we love, and you like to share stuff like this...
0:07:40 > 0:07:44I mean that deserves a round of applause.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- That's brilliant. - Thank you for sharing.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53But, Roisin, this is my favourite tweet from you.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08It's true.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Now, the thing is, Adele's ten years younger than me
0:08:13 > 0:08:16and she's one of the most beautiful women in the world.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18It doesn't... In real life, that wouldn't work.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Even as a bit of stand-up, if I said, "Adele's let herself go."
0:08:20 > 0:08:22They'd be like, "Well, it doesn't really work."
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Well, let's have a little look. We've got a comparison here and I think...
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- You see, I think that's pretty close.- Oh, hang on!
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- No...- They're both white. - ..not enough.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33It happened three times so that was the third time.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36So I was walking up... There's a red carpet thing I walked past
0:08:36 > 0:08:38and this woman went to her husband, and they were probably
0:08:38 > 0:08:40late 50s, she went, "Get a photo!"
0:08:40 > 0:08:43And her husband went, "Who is she?"
0:08:43 > 0:08:45And then she went, "You missed Adele!"
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I think it's because I'm a little bit bigger than the normal
0:08:49 > 0:08:52people at premieres, and I'm a bit familiar and they've gone,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55"Adele's here! Someone over a size ten's here, it's Adele."
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Adele's here!
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- I get Steve Cram. - Oh, yes, I can see that.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01- Who's Steve Cram?- What?!
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I feel like I'm in the back of a car and my family hate me.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Steve Cram was an Olympic runner...
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- Olympic runner in the '80s. - Right, right.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Back to my headphones. I hate my life.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Well, look, everybody looks like somebody, so, thankfully though,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21to sort it all out we have this app.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23This is called Celebalike
0:09:23 > 0:09:27and it matches your picture to a celebrity lookalike.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- So we'll start with you, Roisin. - Do the thing. Do lovely!
0:09:31 > 0:09:35"Oh, very nice, nice! Just one more, just one more, Roisin, just over here.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37"Lovely. Nice."
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Brilliant. Right, here we go.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43It's quite tense.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- Kelly Clarkson. - Fine, I'm up for that.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- Yeah, we'll have that one. - Kelly Clarkson. Jennifer Lopez.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Yep, absolute ringer.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Credits!
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Adele.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58CHEERING
0:09:59 > 0:10:02It's all true.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- I can see it now. - OK, here we go.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11This is going to be very, very wrong.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I think we all know where this is going.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- Here we go. - This is hilarious.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Bradley Wiggins.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35This is my favourite!
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Gregg Wallace.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45- Why?- Yeah! - You're pouting.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I mean, if you don't get Trump, there's something wrong with that.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Will we go female? Go female. Let's go female.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Let's go female and see who I look like.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- Ellen DeGeneres! - Oh, that's a good shout.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10And that is Celebalike. There we go.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19There are lots of great internet searches out there,
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Yahoo, AOL, Bing and they're all perfect for finding
0:11:23 > 0:11:26the Google website and then asking them a question online.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30So here's some of the internet searches that you guys have made.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31We'll start with you, Sally.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33You've obviously been doing a little bit of work to your house
0:11:33 > 0:11:36because recently these were your searches.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Really boring.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40"Nice Taps."
0:11:40 > 0:11:42"Big tall actor called Dave!"
0:11:44 > 0:11:49"Waterproof wallpaper." Then it starts getting weird.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51"Big tall actor called Dave."
0:11:51 > 0:11:52"Short actress, red hair."
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- "Brown-haired woman on BBC." - Right.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57This is basically what I use Google for
0:11:57 > 0:12:00because I've been knocking around for years now and you meet people
0:12:00 > 0:12:03and you think you've met them before and then you can't remember
0:12:03 > 0:12:07their names, and then you get really embarrassed at dos.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08So I go off and Google and I go,
0:12:08 > 0:12:13"Dark haired bloke, BBC Breakfast," and it comes up.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15It's the answer to me dreams.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18It sort of feels like you're talking to your mum, doesn't it, really?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21You know that, "Who's that big tall actor? Your man, what was..."
0:12:21 > 0:12:22That's exactly what I'm like.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- Who was the big tall actor called Dave?- Yeah.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I can't remember. See, I'll have to Google it again.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Benedict Cumberbatch.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Now, like most of us, you all love a bit of internet shopping.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Oh, yeah.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Let's have a look at what you've been browsing and buying online.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Andrew, I couldn't help but notice that there's
0:12:41 > 0:12:45one particular item that keeps coming up in your shopping history.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- Oh, yeah. - Animal balaclavas.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- Yeah.- They're amazing.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Yeah, it turns out you don't need
0:12:55 > 0:12:58to just have a normal balaclava any more -
0:12:58 > 0:13:00you can go a bit fun.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02"Look at me, I'm a tiger!"
0:13:03 > 0:13:05"I'm a tiger from Tiger Bay."
0:13:06 > 0:13:08This is a real site.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11There are a lot of different styles of the animal balaclava.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13- That's right. - We have got this one.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Have you got the... Oh, yeah.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Good one.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Oh, who could be scared by a panda turning up at three in the morning?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24But you didn't actually buy, you didn't buy any.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27No, no, I couldn't decide which one I liked the most.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Don't worry because what we've done is...
0:13:30 > 0:13:31No!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Yes!
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- Pop that on. - Isn't that nice?!
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- Oh, yeah.- Oh, yeah.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42- There we go.- They're good.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46What do you think?
0:13:52 > 0:13:53- I like that.- I don't like it.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59That one is sort of terrifying.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- It is.- Don't go near any small children.- No.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Let's see what Celebalike thinks.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07There you go.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- Yeah, I'm having that. - Peter Kay!
0:14:23 > 0:14:26So there we go, and you're welcome to that, sir. You can keep that.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Thank you very much.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38OK, time now for the viral videos that you've been checking out.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41We'll start with you, Sally. It's this one.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43# Don't matter what I do
0:14:43 > 0:14:45# Don't matter what I do... #
0:14:45 > 0:14:46I love this song.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48# Don't matter what I do
0:14:48 > 0:14:50# Don't matter what I do... #
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Ah, look at that cardigan!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54# Don't matter what I do
0:14:54 > 0:14:58# Cos I end up hurting you. #
0:15:05 > 0:15:07This is a very special clip for you, isn't it?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09- That's my husband.- Aww!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11..Steve White and he was about 17 there
0:15:11 > 0:15:14when he just first joined the Style Council.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I think that was their first track, I don't know.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18I've got twin boys now that are five
0:15:18 > 0:15:21and so when I want to say, "This is what your daddy looked like
0:15:21 > 0:15:24"when he was really, really young," I just go on YouTube.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26But what's lovely about this is,
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- that he is one of the greatest drummers in the world.- He is, yeah.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30And how did you guys meet?
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Well, the clean version is, his tour manager was best friends with
0:15:34 > 0:15:38the executive producer of Coronation Street and I got a phone call
0:15:38 > 0:15:41and I thought I was getting sacked, but it wasn't, it was because Steve
0:15:41 > 0:15:45had said he fancied the blonde bird behind the bar in Coronation Street.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Oh!
0:15:46 > 0:15:49And he rang his mate and said, "Guess what?! Steve said this
0:15:49 > 0:15:51"last night when he was a bit drunk."
0:15:51 > 0:15:53And the next day I was at one of his gigs and he was mortified
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- because I just turned up. - Aww!- And that was it, yeah.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- That's very cute. - 12 years ago. I know.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Time now for part of the show that we like to call
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Things The Internet Says About You.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Yes, we're stepping back from your internet history for just a few
0:16:06 > 0:16:09moments to have a look at what else we've discovered about you online.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Sally, we're going to begin with you now we know that your husband
0:16:12 > 0:16:14is one of the greatest drummers in the world and he's a pop star,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16but so are you.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Ah!
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- Did you?- Yes, I did.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28When was this?
0:16:28 > 0:16:32So it was 1980 number one and we were Christmas number one
0:16:32 > 0:16:35for four weeks with There's No-One Quite Like Grandma
0:16:35 > 0:16:37by St Winifred's School Choir.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41So let's have a look and see if we can spot Sally.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43# Grandma, we love you
0:16:43 > 0:16:46# Grandma, we do
0:16:47 > 0:16:50# Although you may be far away
0:16:50 > 0:16:53# We think of you... #
0:16:53 > 0:16:54This is terrible!
0:16:54 > 0:16:57# One day when you're older
0:16:57 > 0:17:00# We'll look back and say
0:17:00 > 0:17:03# There's no-one quite like Grandma
0:17:03 > 0:17:07# She has helped us on our way
0:17:07 > 0:17:10# Grandma, we love you
0:17:10 > 0:17:13# Grandma, we do. #
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Aw!
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- Did you spot her there, Roisin? - I think so.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Is she the one with the short hair, that sort of elfie haircut, tilted?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- Yes.- Oh, yeah.- That's me. - Gorgeous.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Very, very cute.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32It was basically just a one-hit wonder. There was no...
0:17:32 > 0:17:35No-one gave a stuff about Grandad, so there wasn't a follow up.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38I think Clive Dunn had already nailed Grandad.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Not nailed Grandad, that's awful.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Good Lord!
0:17:43 > 0:17:45It was a strange time, they say, the '80s.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- So, Andrew, we found out this about you.- All right...
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Are you?!
0:17:55 > 0:17:56This can't be true, can it?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I may have a couple of animal-style balaclavas.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05Well, I don't know whether it's a watchlist or something.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I got, you know, investigated by the FBI.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Does that put you on a watchlist? I mean...
0:18:12 > 0:18:15So basically what's happening now is that this is essentially what
0:18:15 > 0:18:18every Irish man does under question.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22It's just, "Um, might have been, might not have been.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25"I mean, you can't prove it, you can't prove it."
0:18:25 > 0:18:28This is a couple of years back I made a series for BBC Three
0:18:28 > 0:18:31called Conspiracy Road Trip where we take people
0:18:31 > 0:18:33who are really into conspiracy theories and would travel
0:18:33 > 0:18:38around America and we did one about people who were really into UFOs.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41And we went to Area 51.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43We get there and then it's an anticlimax.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I'm there with all the people and they really believe
0:18:46 > 0:18:49and they're buzzing, like, this is like the Vatican for these people.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52There's a guard post with mirrored glass,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55a couple of communications... But there's nobody there.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58So now we're like, I mean, we've driven like five hours
0:18:58 > 0:19:01to get out to this thing and I've told them on the way...
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Because there's no way we're going to actually get to meet the aliens.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Yeah? But we could communicate with the aliens
0:19:09 > 0:19:11through the universal language of dance.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17So we came up with these like geometric dance patters.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Bee-boo-boop. Bee-boop.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25- Right? Nobody shows up. - Oh, no!
0:19:25 > 0:19:28We're just, bee-boo-boo-boo-boop. Nothing.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32And now this is terrible for the TV show.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I don't believe in aliens but they do,
0:19:34 > 0:19:36but either way it's very anti-climactic.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- So I start dancing underneath the barrier.- Oh!
0:19:39 > 0:19:40- Limboing?- Yeah.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Now I'm in the base, the most secured place in America!
0:19:44 > 0:19:49Whoo! Door opens, "Get on the floor!"
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Ten massive American soldiers just come out with machines.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"Get on the floor! "Get down now."
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Right, instantly one of the girls we're with just wets herself.
0:20:00 > 0:20:06The director was French, he surrendered instantly.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Just surrendered.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16We spent two hours on the floor, they put us in bin bags,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19made us lie on the floor in bin bags.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22They confiscated all our equipment,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24took it all away -
0:20:24 > 0:20:26so now we don't have a TV show.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30I put my hand up and go, "Listen, I'm a comedian, we're only joking,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32"it's not serious."
0:20:32 > 0:20:36One of the other ones stands up and goes, "We know you have the aliens!"
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Now Andrew is a bit of a sceptic on stuff
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- but you have more of an open mind, Roisin.- Yes, I do.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- Yes?- Yep.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54And you spend quite a bit of time on this site.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- Yes, I do. - And why did you start this?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I've just read them since I was about 17 or 18
0:21:03 > 0:21:05and I read them quite obsessively.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Is astrology not just made-up advice based on the planets?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- So the planets are real... - Intellectually, I know it's rubbish.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- Yes.- But you ask me what I read on the internet
0:21:15 > 0:21:17and I will always read an Aries horoscope.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I find it quite a comforting thing to go like,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22"Oh, like, what's on the menu?"
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- And ever got anything right? - No!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Of course, horoscopes aren't the only way to tell the future,
0:21:29 > 0:21:31the web is filled with people offering
0:21:31 > 0:21:33loads of ways to predict the future.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38Can you guess what these are?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- Reading wee?- That is correct. - Is it?!- Yes, it is.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43It's only because I've got cystitis.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49This is fortune-telling based on the interpretation of the bubbles.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- Bubbles in wee?- Yes.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53If you do a fast one.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- Like speed bubbles. - Yeah, speed bubbles.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00What do you mean a fast one?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02It comes out fast, you're going to get bubbles.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04It's like anything if you pour it fast.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07I'm just interested in how do you read it - just sit here and go,
0:22:07 > 0:22:11"There you go," while you're pulling your pants up.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13What about this one?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17It's not your pet's paw is it?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20It is. Pawmistry is palmistry, but for your cat.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Apparently it's possible to read your cat's fortune
0:22:23 > 0:22:25via the lines and the shape of their feet.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28What about this one?
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Anybody any idea?
0:22:31 > 0:22:35- Is it bringing asparagus back from the dead?- It is close.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37- What?!- Yes.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Mystic Jemima Packington claims that she can predict the future
0:22:41 > 0:22:44just by reading the spears of asparagus.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- Now, Jemima...- I love it!- ..has been reading asparagus
0:22:47 > 0:22:49since she was eight years old, having inherited the gift
0:22:49 > 0:22:52from her grandmother, who practised reading tea leaves.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Her method involves tossing the vegetables in the air
0:22:55 > 0:22:57and reading how they land.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59And she joins us tonight on Skype.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Please welcome Jemima Packington!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- Oh, she's here.- Hello. Hello.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Hello, Patrick.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14- Hi, Jemima.- Hello.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17What is the special quality of asparagus?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21I think it's because it is a very earthy vegetable.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25It's a very robust vegetable.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Could you do it with other vegetables?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30I mean, could I do it with potatoes, or...?
0:23:30 > 0:23:34No. No, no, it really wouldn't work.
0:23:34 > 0:23:39People have tried it with broccoli or green beans.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42There's a special quality in the asparagus?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Absolutely.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47And what about the future can you tell from asparagus
0:23:47 > 0:23:51apart from your pee is going to stink the next morning?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Well, not everybody's wee-wee does smell.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Some has bubbles in it instead.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02If someone had like fake asparagus,
0:24:02 > 0:24:04like stage asparagus that they'd use for props,
0:24:04 > 0:24:07and you dropped that, would you be able to read those?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- Or is it because it...?- No.- No.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- No.- It has to be real stuff.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Well, the good news is that we actually have some real asparagus
0:24:14 > 0:24:18here this evening, so could you do a reading for us this evening, Jemima?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- I would love to.- OK.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23We have our asparagus here, if we want to just bring on the table.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26So, Roisin, do you want to go first?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- There you go, you can stay seated that's fine.- Stay seated?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Yeah, don't worry. So... Thank you very much.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35So, Roisin, there you go.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39If you'd like to cast it onto the table.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Cast it?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Yes, we don't chuck it, we cast it.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47- OK.- And just gently cast it onto the table.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- Shall I stand up?- Yes.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Oh!
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Oh, my goodness.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Well, that's a very, very interesting picture, Roisin,
0:25:01 > 0:25:03I have to say.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I've so bought into this.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09I would say, however, judging by the little bits
0:25:09 > 0:25:11and pieces that have fallen off,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14you may have a wee problem
0:25:14 > 0:25:16on your next night out -
0:25:16 > 0:25:21reference supping wine wisely but not well.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27So, Andrew, obviously you're slightly more sceptical,
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- if you want to... - Shall we clear the bits off?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Oh, yes, clear the bits, yeah, good idea. Good idea, yeah.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- We wouldn't want her to get the reading wrong.- Come on.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- This is very unusual. - This is brilliant!
0:25:37 > 0:25:40This is like a Ouija board at a farmers' market.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48HE CHANTS
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- Oh, what about that? - Don't know if she'd like that.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Well, my goodness me, I see there, Andrew,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03lots more additions to the family.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09That is actually uncanny because we are actually trying for another one.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Aww!- Are you?- No.- Yeah.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- Really?- Yeah.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19You have gone from a man that doesn't believe in UFOs,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22who happily lets a woman with asparagus
0:26:22 > 0:26:24tell you you're having more kids.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Listen, I'm telling you asparagus exists.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28It does.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33They're a very earthy vegetable! Open your mind!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Jemima, thank you so, so much!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- A big thank you to Jemima Packington.- Bye-bye!
0:26:40 > 0:26:43OK, before the show we asked our lovely audience to share
0:26:43 > 0:26:45some of the weird stuff that they've been looking at online
0:26:45 > 0:26:47and, before we hand it over to the police,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50we're going to share it with you, too. Where is Andy Daragh?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Where is Andy? Welcome, Andy, to the show.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00So, Andy, what have you been looking at that you'd like to share?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02There's a thing on Instagram,
0:27:02 > 0:27:05it's basically a girl who face plants bread.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08A girl who face plants bread?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- Yeah. - We have a clip of this.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20I mean, it looks great.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31When did you get into this, Andy?
0:27:31 > 0:27:34One of my friends sent it to me and I just thought it was a quite funny.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36She does all different types of bread as well,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38it's not just that one.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40That's easy, anybody can do that.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44It's one of those, you know, nutty loafs -
0:27:44 > 0:27:47that's the challenge.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Thank you! Give it up one more time for Andy Daragh.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58And that is all we've got time for, folks.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01- Thank you so much, there's your laptops back.- Oh, thank you.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03I'm pleased to say you've all been released without charge
0:28:03 > 0:28:06and so a big thank you to all my guests -
0:28:06 > 0:28:09to Sally Lindsay, Roisin Conaty and Andrew Maxwell.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:14I'll be back next time with another cyber peek
0:28:14 > 0:28:17at your favourites' favourites on Delete Delete Delete.